A message to people being shitty on the internet

Are you an asshole on the internet? It’s possible. I’ve certainly been called that before and they’re not wrong. The way I see it, there are two types of assholes on the internet (this statement is 100% false as there are actually millions of different types of assholes but for the sake of this rant, just pretend it’s all black and white).
1) The people who say obnoxious things into the ether as either jokes or as provocateurs. These things are generally about people and things that person has no personal ties to and , in reality, don’t matter. The aim is to make a joke, for better or worse. I fall firmly in this group. Nothing I say on the internet really matters. Nothing I say on the internet is even that serious. These very words I’m writing right now included.
2) People who say shitty things of no comedic value directly to other people online when no one asked them for their input but they do it anyway cause…well…they’re bored or just contrarian assholes. Things like “You suck” or “I fucking hate you” you are examples. These people, in general, lack any creativity in their asshole-ic ways and serve only as frowny faced trolls to the entire internet around them.

Now, this is something I’ve harped on before so my apologies if I sound like a broken record. But I wanted to focus on one particular barb that I seem to get with some regularity that truly makes my blood boil. Not cause it hurts my feelings but cause , when a person says it, they’re just simply being lame as fuck.
Here’s what happens.
I make music for a living. This has been established. I also spend a decent amount of time online joking around. It’s fun for me. I enjoy it.
I write a tweet or a status update on facebook. This is always a dumb joke or maybe something slightly more observational. Regardless, it’s generally as harmless as a new born faun.
Then I get a response like this:
Screen shot 2014-01-28 at 6.25.51 PM
I read this and think of how I should respond. The correct answer is “Not at all” but I’m simply not that strong willed a man. So, I consider writing “FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!”. However, That’s a bit harsh, considering I know this persons intent wasn’t to elicit that response. In fact, I know that person is just busting my balls and, at the same time, strangely telling me they want to hear more music. (Side note: The dude who wrote this tweet and I exchanged a few tweets and they were totally cordial so , please, don’t be an asshole to him or whatever. I merely used his tweet as an example cause it’s the most recent “Why aren’t you making music constantly!?” related tweet i’ve gotten). Still, as someone who likes making jokes on the internet, being told to shut up and make music, as if both aren’t simultaneously possible is pretty fucking annoying. Especially considering I’ve been pretty prolific over the last few years and even have a new album finished at this very moment. If my joke/tweet wasn’t funny to you, fair enough. I’d rather someone write “Not funny” (which, by the way, would still be unnecessary and shitty to do) than to patronize me like I’m some worker bee that can only sit in a studio cranking out music 24/7 and do nothing else whatsoever. By the way, that’s not how making music works. Turns out, when you make music for a living, there’s tons of downtime. Why do you think every time you see a musician in the studio, they’re playing with their phones? but I digress.

This whole thing bothers me. Not cause it hurts my feelings but cause the person who’s writing it is 100% always and forever just being shitty. Without fail.This is not to say they’re bad people. This isn’t even saying that their intent is to piss me off. In fact, I’d venture to say that people who write that sentence are brain farting right back at me. But, you gotta understand…it’s shitty and shows a really poor instinct to be “That guy”. The guy who feels the need to respond to everything ESPECIALLY when they have nothing of value to add. This particular type of comment is missing the point on so many levels it’s hard to even begin to explain it. It’s like when a person asks a musician “Why can’t you make an album like your first one again?”. To truly explain that would take so much time, it’s never worth it. In the same note, for me to explain, in 140 characters or less, why I’m not making music all the fucking time and wasting my time writing a tweet that took 8 seconds to think up, is simply not worth the breath. In reality, 9/10 times, when I respond to these types of comments , with something snarky, the writer responds in a completely apologetic tone. Surprised I’d even respond in the first place. As if I don’t read my own twitter feed and have real human thoughts. In reality, they didn’t even mean to be shitty, They seemingly got caught up in a moment and couldn’t help themselves.

I’m not writing this as a “Leave Blockhead alone!!!” manifesto. Cause, truth be told, this is a minor annoyance at best. I’m more saying this to maybe make people stop and consider what they’re adding to a discussion when they write petty, short sighted and pointless remarks lacking any humor or value. It’s really that simple. Unless you have something constructive or funny to add, why are you talking?

The faceless nature of the internet has got us too comfortable. It’s like the world is one big youtube comment section. With twitter and facebook, people have access to musicians, actors, politicians, etc like never before. I could literally tell the president of the USA to eat a bag of dicks and dog shit right now if i wanted to (I would never do that though). It’s THAT open. While I do see some good in this kind of open forum, motherfuckers still should know their role. If I’m a celebrity that did something crazy…like Justin Bieber or Chris Brown. I’d fully expect a shit storm in my mentions on the regular. Same way I’d expect tons of support from fans and naked pics from underaged girls in my DM’s. It’s really par for the course. But if I’m me…a niche musician with a small fan base who’s biggest offense is making an album you didn’t like and making bad jokes on the internet, what’s the point of needlessly pushing my buttons? I mean, I see why people do it (trolls are called trolls for a reason)…but really…why? Is it fun? Hell, maybe it is. I’ve just never been the type who purposely says petty shit to people I don’t know with the sole intention to be getting their attention. It’s like the people who feel the need to correct grammar on twitter. It’s fucking twitter! Much like there is no crying in baseball, there are no grammar rules on twitter. It is the Deadwoods of grammar. Lawless. God forbid you have a typo! But if you see a grammar error, a typo or you just wanna be one of those people who vocalizes every stupid thought you have in your head directly at a person who has not addressed you even remotely, at least make it funny. Cause, otherwise, you’re just another voice from the peanut gallery saying something of no constructive value for the sake of hearing your own voice (or reading your own words, in this case).
If you’re offended by something I said, then I get it. I have it coming. Even if you are being an overly sensitive pussy about a joke…I get that. You ride razor scooters and I made a joke about them so you’re taking offense. That’s fine. you’re standing up for your razor scooter lifestyle. Do you! But , otherwise? Stop it. That’s my entire message. Stop it. In fact, I could have saved a lot of time writing this whole thing and just had those two words under the header but I’m a sucker for long winded explanations. Oh well, too late. But seriously, next time you (not anyone in particular) get the urge to write something shitty to someone else (be it a celebrity on twitter, a “friend” on facebook , a niche beat maker or President Obama) online, ask yourself “What good will this do?”. If the only answer you get out of it is “It will annoy the person I’m writing this to” then either don’t write it or accept that you are, in fact, an asshole who is shitty to people on the internet…and not that awesome first kind I described earlier either. you’re the second kind. Shame on you!

Being an asshole is no excuse for being an asshole

I’m tired of people making excuses for other people. You ever meet a friend of a friend and that person acts like a total prick? Then, when you say something to to your friend they respond with; “Oh, that’s just how he is…” Huh? He’s an asshole and that being a known fact makes it okay?

The thing is, we all have our faults. Some people are always late, some people steal food off your plate, some people have big mouths, and some people are passive aggressive all the time. But definitive personality flaws like being an “asshole” or “cunt” are not made ok just because it’s understood by everyone around you. I have friends who are kind of assholes and I’m sure some of my friends think I’m an asshole. That’s fine but when it comes down to it, both these people and I are actually, for the most part, pretty friendly people who abide by the basic rules of interaction with other people. Some people, however, are moody shit bags and the fucked up thing about these people is that they feel entitled to act that way. I dunno what happens to a person when they can just disregard every person around and knowingly act like a prick towards everyone.

The really fucked up shit is the people around him saying “Oh, he’s a good guy..you know how he gets..” No, I don’t know “how he gets” cause, from my experience he’s never not a total dick head. Just once I want a friend of an asshole to be like, “Yeah, he’s a total cock, don’t waste your time…” that kind of honesty would be like a soft summer breeze on the porch while drinking an Arnold Palmer and getting a blow job.

I often find, when someone is being an asshole towards me, that part of me wants to be super nice to them, kill them with kindness, it’s kinda like testing the water. I feel, if I am being super nice to this person and they STILL act like that, all bets are off and they are forever marked in my book as a piece of shit that I want nothing to do with.

It reminds me of being in a bad relationship with a girl. In the past, I’ve been a shitty boyfriend, I didn’t really want to be around the girl that often. I wouldn’t say I was an asshole, but I did asshole things. The thing is that because I was like that, anytime I would truly be sweet, it would be a huge deal and the girl would lose her mind (in a good way). It was bizarre but this is how I feel around assholes; there’s always that brief moment in which they are actually pleasant and you see a glimmer of their good side and you understand how they have friends. I’m left there thinking “maybe he’s not a total asshole.” Then, two seconds later, as if they caught themselves being human for one moment, the asshole comes roaring back with vengeance.

I think the world has gotten so P.C. that even questioning someone’s glaring faults is now out of bounds, everyone’s got excuses. Typically people will lend their current way of being to some shit that has happened in the past. There is definitely validity that this has a lasting effect on people’s psyches but it still doesn’t give you a ‘free to be a total dickhead’ pass. Shitty things have happened to everyone ranging from the mild to the horrible. However, for every person out there who has gone through hell and decided that everyone else in the world can go fuck themselves, there’s another person who’s been through worse and is perfectly pleasant to be around.

My point is, if you truly are aware that you’re an asshole, stop it, it’s not that hard. Quit talking down to people, quit making sideways remarks to anyone you meet, quit patronizing people, quit grimacing for no reason, and figure out why you’re such a miserable bitch. I’m willing to bet it’s not cause you met me.

My guess? you got touched.
Predictable…I know.

The other hole

I have absolutely no interest in assholes. I’m not talking about you and you’re jerk off friends, I’m speaking of the place where your shit comes from. Whether it be my asshole or a girl’s asshole, there has never been a part of me that has ever really wanted to go there…

For years I’ve been anti-anus under the “it’s where shit comes from” rule. However, lately I’ve found myself listening to tons of old Loveline episodes while I play internet scrabble (yeah, shit is mad real) which has only furthered my crusade. Now I have medical facts to back up what was just me being grossed out by the idea of getting shit on me.

Here’s the thing, there’s four different anal categories to me:

1.) Men and Girl’s Assholes
2.) Men and Other Men’s Assholes
3.) Women and Men’s Assholes
4.) Women and Other Girl’s Assholes

Let’s Discuss:

Men and Girls Assholes:

Some guys I know loooooove anal sex, some guys don’t even do it much but just love the idea of it, and some, like myself, could care less. I tried it once when I was drunk and I didn’t see what the point was. Why fuck the shit filled hole when there’s a perfectly good non shit filled hole right next to it?

“But it feels so good!”

..I’m sure it does…so does fucking a pumpkin. A friend of mine once described it as making an ‘ok’ sign out of your fingers and fucking that because it’s super tight on entry and then super roomy once you’re in. I don’t see the big deal. I’ve always felt like there’s this weird domination thing that coexists with anal sex. As if men enjoy doing something to a girl that they most likely don’t like that much. Girls don’t have prostate glands and that’s the whole selling point on men getting it in the ass. Some girls love anal sex but I’d be willing to bet most girls either hate it or tolerate it. When guys are deeply into anal, it makes me think they kinda like hurting girls. Call me a feminist (ha!) but that’s just how I see it.

So, anyway, as I said I’ve been listening to way to much Loveline and I heard something very interesting, apparently, women’s anus’ start to pretty much fall apart around age 60. If a woman has a decent amount of anal sex, it speeds this deterioration ten fold. So, basically, if you’re getting fucked in the ass all the time you can pretty much expect to have a completely prolapsed anus at some point in your early golden years. Ever since I heard that, I’ve been telling every girl who will listen like I’m a bible salesmen spreading the word of the lord. I honestly don’t even know why cause, it’s not like I’m fucking them or I give a shit about how wrecked their anus’ are when they turn 40…I think I just like the reactions: Horror and/or laughing.

Men and Other Men’s Assholes:

Go for it…I suppose we have prostates for a reason. The last thing I’m gonna ever do is try and tell a gay dude about men’s assholes, they know that shit inside out and backwards. Luckily for gay guys, they have a place to put the penis and the penis to use. Poor lesbians just have to eat each other out, bump clams and use fake dicks all the time.

Girls and Mens Assholes:

I have this completely unproven and retarded theory about guys who like getting their ass played with (and, shockingly, it’s not that they are all gay). It’s that, IF they were gay, they’d be bottoms. Yes, if these guys were into men, They’d be on the receiving end as opposed to giving side. Why? cause they like how it feels when things go in their asses. Pretty simple really but I feel like it makes sense. I kinda eliminates all “top” and “bottom” theories cause, usually , when you think of that, you think of a big top boning a little bottom. Ironically, most dudes I know who like a little ass play done on them are on the bigger side of things.

But I digress, male ass play…hmm…I don’t doubt it feels good. A billion gays can’t be wrong but here’s my problem with it: Men have disgusting assholes. We take gross shits and fart all the time and there’s no amount of wiping on earth that can fix that. Sure, an enema can make it ok but who’s getting an enema at 5 am after taking some drunk slut home?

Also, as i wrote about in an earlier blog entry, I’ve had the prostate exam..and it sucked. If a girl ever licked my ass, it would pretty much be a wrap on any kissing that would ever go down again. Her mouth could gargle borax and hydrogen peroxide all fucking day but I’d have nothing to do with it. She might as well wear one of those contamination suits from E.T. over her fucking head. I’ve had a girl or two try to stick fingers in there and sell me it as “something I’d like” but the reality is, I don’t even wanna know. Kinda like how I’m sure Antarctica is really pretty but I’ll be damned if I ever wanna go there.

What gets me is that girls actually want to do that to a dude. Do they not have assholes? Ladies, take your asshole, add hair and a heap of grossness to it and that equals a normal man’s asshole and if, by some miracle, he has a clean asshole, do you really wanna fuck a dude who grooms his anus? That’s just weird (if you’re straight).

Girls and Other Girls Assholes:

Really, who fucking cares? Go nuts just take it easy on the dildoes or you’ll be pooping out of a gross fleshy descended sphincter tube by the time your 45.

In closing, this is all me. Don’t be mad if you totally disagree. That’s why I’m me and you’re you. If you’re a girl and love getting your shit packed, go for it but also be aware of the possible problems in may bring in the future. If you’re a dude and you like ass play, go for it. If you’ve found a girl willing to put up with your filthy anus, more power to you. Just remember, if you were in jail, you’d be the one getting banged out…

but that’s fine cause you’d love every fucking second of it.