Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 3


It’s once again time for me to hand out advice to people dumb enough to ask me for it. As usual, I must warn that I’m not a licensed anything and I can barely read BUT I have been known to give some good honest advice concerning matters of the heart. If you have more questions like the ones below, send them to phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Like my homegirl Lucy from Peanuts, The doctor is always in.
Anyway, on to the questions:

hey i can’t believe i’m writing this shit but there i go… two years ago i was dating this girl (who lived 30 seconds from me) and everything was awesome, but i used to get a lot of pussy and didn’t feel like starting a relationship. i kinda acted like an asshole and she was pretty much disappointed and finally she moved to another country (not because of me). however i tried not to lose her, cause i knew she was cool. so, we kept writing lots and we talked often via skype too. i was dating random girls parallel, but i realized that she is the one i want to be with and stopped doing it. since one month ago she lives closer to me (300km!!) and i am seriously wondering if we should take a serious decision or forget about it. i mean, otherwise we are wasting our time. the problem is that i have to stay in this fucking city cause i’m doing this arts degree here and that means having this distance for 3 years, what kind of shit is. i’m confused cause girls are easy in this city and i’m just rejecting them, that means something i guess. so the main question is: does it have sense to start a relationship from zero with someone who lives far from you. i mean, not having much time to spend together… but also not trying it it’s fucking sad.

I got two points to make here:
1) Whenever there is a case of a guy who once dated a girl, treated her like shit and then later realized he might be in love with her once she was out of the picture , I’m skeptical. For some reason, men have this thing where we reject people who love us and then pine over them once they stop loving us. The problem with this is that ,most of the time , your memory of that person is warped. You only remember the good parts. There is very likely a reason you didn’t give a shit about her when you were seeing her in the first place. all the little annoying things she used to do that drove you crazy seem to vanish into thin air and all that’s left is an saintly image of a girl who could birth your children. I’m sure the time apart has given you a softer and different perspective on it but I wouldn’t be surprised if the reality was quite different. I think what you’re going through right now is just a reaction to the idea of this girl possibly moving on without you, regardless of how right or wrong she might actually be for you.
2)Long distance relationships are the worst. Don’t do them unless you’ve already created a strong foundation and have been together for a long time. Starting a relationship with distance is the dumbest thing you could ever do. Sure, the first three weekends you spend together will be awesome, sex filled love fests but a few months down the line, watch as trust and jealousy begin to surface and that distance begins to tear you apart.
So, basically, be careful. I’d say , at most, start something casual. feel it out. But you’re setting yourself up for disaster if you commit to her under these circumstances.

The Situation: I’ve know this girl for about 5 years. We dated briefly 3 years ago but the relationship ended quickly due to my lack of experience, at the time, and my inability to “take it slow” as she wanted. This girl…I very much consider “The One” and we always managed to keep contact with each other one way or another (texting, myspace, facebook). Anyway, since that break-up I’ve been in a few relationships and gotten more experience under my belt and I’m a lot more confident. Three weeks ago, out of the blue, I get a text from this girl and find out she’s recently single. I also happened to be recently single. Since then, we’ve talked and hung out a lot. She stayed over recently and we stayed up all night talking and making out. Straight up, I want to marry this girl. However, I recently had a conversation with an older (35), and recently married friend of mine who told me I need more experience before I get too serious about this girl. My girl lives in Phoenix (I’m in Tucson) so we get to hang on the weekends. My friend’s opinion is that I use this time before me and the girl get super serious, is to “slay some bitches” and experience more. But I don’t really have an interest in that right now. Is it important for me to gather more experience? I’m 26 BTW.

Damn, it’s “She’s the one!” day up in here.
as for your question, it’s tough to say. I’m of the “26 is too young to marry someone” school of thought. Hoenstly, I don’t think anyone should get married till they’re AT LEAST in their late 20’s/early 30’s. What’s the rush?

As far as gathering experience, it depends what kind of person you are. I know, that no matter how much experience I had, there will always be that part of me that wants more. It’s basic human nature. The question is are you willing to forgo all that fun shit for one girl. That’s pretty much the trade off. If you are, cool. Just slow the fuck down. She told you were eager before. I don’t even know you and can tell you’re jumping out of your socks right now. Slow your roll. This isn’t a race. Date her, see how it goes and take it from there.
Just realize that, if you do date her and eventually marry her, she’s the last girl you will ever be with. Are you willing to accept that? Don’t answer that now. Wait a few years and think about it. If it’s still not an issue, marry her. If you’ve changed your mind, you’re still young enough to start over.

Does a guy ever “stop” liking a girl (if there was a connection)? Also, do you think its the same for women? I

I love this question. Guys and girls are very different when it comes to feelings and holding on to them. To answer your question, yes, guys do eventually stop “liking” girls. All the time. What we don’t stop,however, is the want to fuck those girls. unless the girl gets a lot uglier or does something unforgivable that the guy can’t forget, he will always want to have sex with her. But “liking” her? Those things come and go all the time. Sure, some guys do hold certain girls closer to their hearts. One that they may have had bad timing with or ones they felt they did wrong by due to the immaturity of youth. But, in general, most guys get over crushes fairly quickly and move on to the next one. That said, because the sexual want is always going to be there, there is always a tiny door way open. All sales are not final.
For girl, however, it’s different. I feel like it’s harder for a girl to get over a guy, but once she does, she’s completely over him forever. To the point where her want of sex from that man repulses her and his entire existence makes her shutter in disgust. For more on this, refer to THIS

So, in closing, I’m not saying write off a dude from the past who you had a connection with, but you’d be an idiot to put major stock in it. Proceed with absolute caution until you’re given a reason to really trust the situation.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 2


As you may know, I love getting my Dr. Phil on. Not actually watching that crap but the “giving unwarranted advice to strangers” part. This past week I got a bunch of relationship questions for my “Answers for questions” section of this blog. I got so many, I figured it might be wise to separate them (if only for this week) into a section of their own. Yes, an advice column. Dear Abby, motherfuckers. SO, let’s see what help I can be. I should warn you all that I have no background in anything and this is all opinion based on nothing. I will say, I’ve been told I give good honest advice by many different people but I feel like thats about at reliable a referral as asking a homeless guy where the best sushi is.
Whatever, take the advice for what it is…FACTS!

(oh and if you got more of these or basic questions send them to my email Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below)

Scenario, I’ve chopped it up to a couple of my friends (male/female) but I’d like to have an unbiased opinion…

You have a friend, female friend, very close on a non sexual way.. You know she likes you and would like to date the fuck out of you, but you rather keep the friendship because youre just not that attracted to her, she lives with it. She has a younger sister that you do like, your friend knows you like her and shes not that cool with it, so you dont wanna fuck around that area because you know your friend will tear to smithereens. BUT one day you go out with the sister, you get drunk, you make out with her, you’re great with that happening but for some reason or another, it doesnt work out.. You keep it moving, you’re still cool with both of them.
Months later, you go out with your friend, you get drunk, you make out with her. You knew it was the worst of decitions because she is still kind of emmotionally interested and you´re not up for it. So after the making out day, you talk it out, notice the girl is totally attached but you still aren’t.. So you explain that and its kinda cool but she still has hopes.
Out of the blue, the sister starts getting in touch again, you chill with her often but as friends, and you start gettin attracted again…… What the fuck do you do?

Well, In a perfect world , you’d just fuck the sister with no cares in for your friends feelings. I mean you wouldn’t be the first guy to pull that shit. But, alas, we do not live in a perfect world. If you really do have strong “friendship feelings” (A claim i’m a tiny bit suspect of) for this girl than it’s best to ignore the advances of her little sister. Not only will it create rifts between you and your friend, but also the two sisters. For all we know, this could be some competitive power trip going on between the two of them. Avoid that shit. The last thing you wanna get involved with is some crazy inter-sister beef that’s probably been brewing since they were in diapers.
The real question here is Why did you ever make out with your friend? I get that you were drunk but I’m not buying that as an excuse for this. If you really had NO interest in her like that, you wouldn’t do it. Regardless of how drunk you are. Was it a pity make out? That part just seems strange to me. I’ve got plenty of homegirls who I would never make out with on my drunkest night simply cause my brain has been wired to not ever want to make out with them. I’m just saying. What’s that all about? And if you truly were that drunk and lost hold of what you were doing, a brief warning: Avoid gay bars. Some of those dudes are crafty and they will seduce a dude that has no control over himself. I look forward to that follow up letter.

i’m finding myself in a usuall dilemma i guess and i want to hear an advice from an obviosly proficient person. i am a german so excuse me for my lack of english.

Since a couple of weeks i’m dating a pretty and quite intelligent girl. We are not really on the same “thinking basis”, yet there is no problem to communicate. we don’t find ourselves in unpleasent situations and i really like to make out with her. yet i always got a feeling that she is not really a girl i want to be in a relationship with, i’m not really in love i guess. we live in the same town.

on the other side i met a girl in amsterdam a while ago. we just met one night at a birthday party, talked and had fun, nothing really special. Since then we chat a lot and i really much like her, in a way you can like a girl through chatting. i hope i’m not a nerd so, but it really makes fun. I think that we kinda connect pretty well (she is from greece and pretty attractive by the way). In two weeks she wants to visit me in germany for two days.

If i would be that cool guy i always pretend i am i probably wouldn’t mind the situation. I really like the girl from greece (just because of chatting with her !!) and i really really want to make out with her, but i don’t really see a chance that we could somehow be together since she’s living in amsterdam.

dou you got an adive for me?

BORK! Love this broken english ass letter. Seriously.
Okay, on to the question.
I don’t see the big problem here. It seems like you’re in a “hook up” relationship with the first girl and the other might have some substance. The “Hook up” relationship can be whatever you want it to be. You could end it tomorrow or drag it out for a few months for fun. If you two are really not on the same page, she’ll eventually figure it out.Just don’t make any broad voal commitments and you’re good. Never lose an opportunity over something that’s not that solid to begin with.

This reminds me of when I was in college. I was a sucker. Straight up. I was 18 and if I hooked up with a girl I liked, it got pitiful real quick. So, on the last day of school, I hooked up with this girl I had been feeling all year. In my moronic head, this meant we were together on some level even though I was dropping out of school and she lived in a different state over 7 hours away. She came to visit me once in the city that summer and that was enough to hold me over (in terms of thinking I was in some sort of relationship). That summer, I was working in a record store and one of my co-workers was this beautiful , awesome girl who was feeling me. Pretty much my ideal girl. We’d flirt but I always held back cause of this out of town girl.She threw me all sorts of hints and signs and I just ignored them. To this day I kick myself over that idiotic decision. Don’t be like me. Get’em all while you can. If you like that girl from out of town, go for it. The casual hook up girls will come and go. And if both these things fall through, who gives a shit? I’m assuming you’re pretty young . Trust me, there’s plenty more out there for you. And you can do much more than just “Make out”.

i have this friend angie. i’ve known her for about 2 years now. she has been with her boyfriend for 4 of those years.
in the last few months we’ve started to hang out more and more. she is extremely flirty. she has said everything from
“why aren’t you more aggressive with me? you know like whip out your cock and slap me in the face with it.” to
“i bet you’re the type of guy who asks if the girl is ok while you’re fucking” (she thinks about me having sex! come on!)

anyways, when i’ve tried to call her out on being really hands on and flirty she always says she is loyal to her boyfriend
and would never cheat on him. this last saturday, we shared a crepe with whipped cream. we were eating off the same plate.
i know this must sound extremely faggy and lame coming from a guy but am i tripping or do i need to just tell her to break up with
her boyfriend? my only concern is if i ask her to do it, she might stop hanging out with me.

on top of all of this shit, i often find her complaining about her boyfriend. like he didn’t do anything for her for valentine’s day and she
was pretty bummed on that, etc…

anyways, let me know what you think. maybe i should stop torturing myself is what i’m always thinking but she is fucking hot
and really fun to hang out with.

Sounds to me like
a)She’s a flirty piece of shit.
b)She’s setting the table to break up with her man and needs a new guy on stand by until she does.

My advice to you is: Wait it out. But also, don’t expect a relationship out of this. The best thing that can happen is that she’ll break up with her man and you’ll fuck her a bunch. IF that sounds like a good deal, then hold tight until the inevitable break up happens. Just don’t focus all your attention on her. Keep her around the same way she’s keeping you around. A back pocket option int he future.
Certain girls are crazy flirts but do so cause they know it’s a sure fire way of keeping a guy around. She knows you wanna hit it and she’s banking on all this teasing as a way to keep you in the fold. What it really comes down to is how patient you are. If this is getting overwhelming and you can’t handle being around her, then speak up. Put it out there. If she rejects you, stop hanging with her. It’s better for both of you and, down the line, when they do inevitably break up, I wouldn’t be surprised if she reached out to you on some level.

One thing I will say is that there are few things hotter that sex after years of sexual tension and muted desire. If you do finally get it, be careful cause you might accidentally fuck her to death with all that pent up aggression. Wear a condom, bro.

Know this guy since I was 15 (we’re 28 now) and always had a thing for each other. It never worked out back then, we were too young, shy then kind of drifted apart. Thanks to the miracle of social networking we reconnected a year and a half ago.

We fell for it hard and I moved into his house right away. Things were pretty ok, I loved him like mad, but he had some issues. He is really insecure and he’s pretty much a hoarder. Things I had no idea about when we were kids. When I moved in I cleaned his house top to bottom, made four trips to the dump for him (because he doesn’t drive). But he never participated in keeping the house up and I eventually just started to give up.

Around the same time he lost his job and I ended up losing my license. I had to take a bus to work which took up 6 hours of my day because his house was way out in the boonies. I fell into a depression and told him I needed to move to be closer to work. He owned his home so moving with me was not an option. I thought if we took a step back he could work on his shit and I could mine. Being so insecure he got really mad and we just ended up breaking up.

I’ve been out of his house for two months but we’ve still kept in contact. He’s brought me flowers, cupcakes and books and shit to my work to declare his love for me and wants me back. I’ve been in a good place as of late and was starting to really want to be with him again. So just the other day I asked if he wanted to come over and bone (more romantically of course). He said he wasn’t able to do that because it would fuck him up and blah, blah. I told him that it wasn’t just the sex and that I wanted to start working on the relationship.

Then said he doesn’t want that anymore, when literally three days before he said that I was the one he wanted and and he would be here for me. Confused, I asked what changed so suddenly. And asked if he met someone else. He said he had been on a date but it didn’t go anywhere. So I accepted what he had to say and decided to put him behind me.

That same night he came over unannounced and declared his love for me once again and convinced me that this was what I really wanted and we decided to work it out. We stayed up all night and talked and had great sex. He woke up and left work, then an hour later he text me saying that he couldn’t do it. No real explanation, just couldn’t do it.

Did he feel too rejected by me? Do you think there is someone else? I don’t get it and he’s not giving me answers. Why would a man act like this?

Hmm…First off, I feel like you’ve hit the Jackpot as far as deadbeat boyfriends. I dunno if it’s your thing to want to “fix” and “take care” of people but that shit is never a healthy reason to be with someone. Even if you do love the dude, recognize that getting back into this may be a life long project that will never be finished.
I obviously don’t know this dude but judging from what you said, he’s got some mental health issues. He’s a hoarder and he’s severely depressed. I feel like his constant back and forth between wanting you and being done with you is probably just manic swings bought on by his condition. I understand that you guys have a history together and your feelings are real but I also feel like it’s best you just move on. You’re too young to become a nurse for a mental patient. He needs help that you can’t provide. Perhaps you could try and push him in that direction. His non-commitment to how he feels is unsettling and I doubt it’ll change anytime soon.
If not mental disorder, this may be the case:
Judging from his whole “I’m not ready” stance when you invited him over for sex, that just may be the truth. He knows he can’t handle seeing you without everything being back to how it was. But , he eventually broke down and saw you and did what he knew he’d do (which was make a connection and have sex). The next day, he reminded himself that it’s not in his best interests to hang with you at this point in his life, thus the second blow off.

I dunno. Shitty situation but I can’t stress enough how little fun dealing with a depressed person is in the context of a relationship. If I were you, I’m get to stepping and focus in on some new dude with problems that you can try and fix.

Judgey pants

JD
It’s no secret that I’m a judgmental prick. Most of the time it’s without real reason or much thought but, as I’ve gotten older, sometimes intuition isn’t always right. Sometimes you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I know…frustrating, right?

Actually giving people a chance can be pretty time consuming and in today’s fast paced society, it’s even harder to care. But, then you remember, the same way you’re judging some, they are very likely judging you. So, with that in mind, here are a few exceptions to the ‘I can sum you up in 5 minutes after just meeting you’ rule that most of us (should) live by:

Meeting A Person When They Are Drunk:

Sure, being drunk is often just a clearer look into some people’s souls. A lot of people get drunk and become another person and that other person, coincidentally, is the person they probably wish they could be but know it wouldn’t be publicly accepted. However, when you meet someone for the first time and they are completely shit faced, this should in no way reflect on what this person may be like when they are sober. I have plenty of friends who are total shitbags when they get drunk but, when sober, are actually completely great people. So, if you meet a drunk asshole who is friends with one of your friends, give him/her the benifit of the doubt until proven wrong in a sober atmosphere. If that person happens to be an awful drunk and nothing more, just take note and never hang out with them when they’re drunk.
It’s only fair.

First Time Sex:

I have a decent amount of lady friends and they’re never shy about voicing their sexual exploits to me. I am my girlfriend’s friends go to guy for male advice. Why? No clue, but they tell me everything. One thing that comes up a lot is the first sexual encounter with a guy. In most cases, hooking up for the first time doesn’t go that smoothly, people need a little time to adapt to one another. Sometimes, when girls are talking about a lame first hookup they will diss the guy hard and not even consider him for another round.

Well, this simply isn’t fair.

Some guys don’t do well under pressure and the first time you sleep with someone always has a stressful (albeit, exciting) aura to it. Because of this stress a guy will sometimes blow his load quick, not stay hard, or just be an all around fumbling dork. In these cases, it takes a little time but most guys will catch their stride. All I’m saying is, if you are even remotely into the guy, give him another crack at it. Trust me when I tell you, guys will be willing to give you a second chance even if you give head like a wild bobcat and your pussy stinks. We’re understanding like that.

an exception to this may be if it’s the first hook up, and the guy is fingering you like a 14 year old and kissing like stroke victim, that may just be his steeze. it those cases, by all means, dead it cause you just hooked up with a douche bag.

Meeting A Girl At A Club/Party/Bar:

This is kind of the opposite of being judgmental. When girls go out, they get pretty, they get all fancy and dipped out in hopes of attracting men, and Garner jealousy from other girls. Bar/club lighting is low for a reason – everyone looks better in it. So, chances are, you’re out, kinda drunk, and everyone is looking decent enough. However, twelve hours later you wake up next to some octo-mom looking girl with a prosthetic arm and scabies.

My advice would be always get the girl into a place with decent light before you make a final decision and the same goes for girls meeting guys. I’m positive that many girls have woken up next to some matted haired skinny jean wearing acne machine at some point or another. All I’m saying is be wary, girls are masters at covering up their perceived faults so never underestimate them. Oh, if you happen to be a guy/girl that doesn’t give a shit about who you fuck then disregard all of this and do you.

It should be fairly easy.

On the flip side of this is meeting a person during off hours; like walking back from the gym or doing their laundry. Sometimes a very pretty girl with be dressed like a bag lady wearing a hat low when she’s running local errands. There have been a few times that I’ve met friend’s girlfriends under these circumstances and was underwhealmed at first glance. But when I saw them out at night, I was floored with how hot they were. The errand running girl is a sleeper.

I’ve always felt a good way to judge beauty was if they are pretty in the morning. If you wake up next to a girl and she’s still fly with fucked up hair and boogers in her eyes, you might wanna keep that one. Because even some kinda cute girls look like new born gerbils when they wake up.
Hell, I know I look like shit up until about 3:30 pm.

Now, just as these things above are markers of when you shouldn’t write someone off, there are certain things that are dead giveaways to people sucking. The thing is, these red flags are different for everyone; One person’s red flag may be another person’s serious selling point, you never know. For example, here are a few things I’ve noticed that, if they exist within someone, I simply cannot be down with that person:

1.) Loving the play/movie ‘Rent’ and being older then 16 years old, especially if you’re a male.
I’ve covered this before, unacceptable.

2) Being way too hung up on ‘the four elements of hip hop’ to the point that you’re kind of a Nazi about it, a corny Nazi. I love hip hop. I’ve been deeply involved with it since I was a kid but the last thing I wanna do is talk to some 20 year old kid in an Adidas jump suit about the difference between a ‘Rapper’ and a ‘MC’.

3) If you hate South Park.
If you don’t watch it, fine, If you see it every now and then but don’t really care, fine, but if you straight up just hate it and find it not at all funny, we cannot be friends. Not because I disagree with you but because, in order to truly hate South Park, you gotta have a personality so far from mine we’d have trouble holding a two minute conversation.

4) If you hate new york and/or new yorkers.
It’s ok if you do, i understand why people might. But it just means we’re not compatible, sorry Boston!

5)If you are crazy.
It surprises me how many people I know that are straight up crazy but living in society in a functional capacity. See these people socially all the time and there is only so close you can get to these people. Being stuck in a conversation with a crazy person is not fun and it’s also extremely hard to remove yourself from. I’ve also noticed that crazy people often have shit breath but I suppose that goes with the territory.

And those are just a few examples. We all have them, don’t front.