Notes from the road: Europe 2013 edition.

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Every time I take a trip to europe, I tend to think to myself “Surely, this trip will leave me with nothing to say”. After all, touring is the least exciting way to see places known to man. Unless I’m writing hotel reviews, it’s pointless. However, because being in foreign places is so…well…foreign to me, I still manage to find some things that need to be addressed. Well, they don’t NEED to be addressed. Not at all actually but , hey, why not?
As you may know, this trip to europe was a debacle due to some passport issues, more about that HERE. That aside, I did salvage the last four shows and I had a good time. So, these hear are my notes from the road.

*While in Paris I literally saw multiple people walking around the street , eating whole baguettes as if they were apples. Up until viewing that , I had always assumed that was just a jokey stereotype about french people. Like they all were berets and smell…but no. I saw it with my own eyes. I asked DJ Cam about it and he said it’s really not a thing but…I dunno…I saw two motherfuckers chowing down a full baguette mid stride down the street within 2 blocks of each other. Can a french person please shed more light on this for me? Did I just happen upon two four leaf clovers or is that actually a real thing french people do?
Regardless, I’m a huge proponent of eating while walking so I’m not mad at this practice. If it were up to me, most of my meals would be consumed during a speed walking session. I might need a trough for that though…

*I signed a mans ass in Brussels.
I was selling cd’s and signing autographs after a really fun show in Brussels when some dude pulled his pants down and asked me to sign his ass. He was hovering over the Records and cd’s at a level that made me consider possibly sterilizing the whole table. Being a gentleman, I extended my arm out as far as possible and signed “BH” on the top of one of his butt cheeks. I’ve signed arms, legs, stomach and tits before…but never a man’s ass. Let’s just not make this a thing, okay?
Although, I was talking to a friend yesterday and he came up with the idea of signing my full name on a persons ass and making that persons asshole the “o” in “Blockhead” . Theoretically hilarious but far to intimate to actually ever do. I’d need like a 5 foot sharpie for that.

*Every time I got to europe I feel like I’m in an alternate universe. It’s like the planet I live in but slightly off. It’s as if some parts of it are in the future and some are in the past. There are some aspects of european culture that make so much sense that it’s crazy we haven’t adapted it over here. Like , when at a restaurant, the waiter comes to collect your money on the spot. Gives you change and all right on the spot. If you’re an impatient asshole like me, that is heaven. Or how they run airports. It’s just more efficient.
On the other hand, some things just feel like a time warp into the 80’s.That kinda stuff is mostly visual though. So many things just look dated. From store fronts to advertisements.
Whatever the case, when I’m in certain cities out there I feel as if I’m on the set of a movie that supposed to take place in a particular city but it’s clearly a sound stage. Does that make sense? Who knows?

*European bottled water tastes like shit.Did you even know water could taste bad? Well, it can.
No clue why. Don’t yall got those good alps? It kind makes sense though cause Avian water tastes like shit too. Conversely, the tap water in Vienna is some next level deliciousness.

*I killed lots of time on this tour watching the Sopranos. i had never seen the series before and went through the entire 6 seasons in about a month. I ended up finishing during my last day in europe. The shittiest part about it is that I have so many jokes and comments to make about the show but, because it’s so far past the point on being something people wanna talk about…I just gotta keep it to myself. I was considering writing a whole post about my reaction and observations to the show (which i enjoyed greatly, btw) but…fuck it. Too late now. Truth be told, I could probably write a 30 page thesis on the miking capabilities of the breathing and chewing habits of James Gandolfini though.

*While waiting on line to board my flight home, I was behind two young girls who were coming home from schooling abroad. They were typical long island Jappy types and they got in a conversation with some arm band tattooed ultimate fighting type of bro. HE was grossly hitting on them (he must have been 15 years old than them) and started his conversation “I’m so happy to be leaving France…Can’t wait to get back to the states and have a real burger…” which then led to a discussion of how shitty the cuisine of france is. OF FRANCE. All three involved agreed and the two girls even remarked that, while the pizza in Florence, Italy was good, they missed Domino’s. The guy even added “You heard of Del Taco? Now that’s some good stuff…”.
Listening to this conversation, I was bummed out at humanity but also reminded how shitty some americans are. It’s easy to forget that, when you visit another country, you’re th guest. They don’t have to adhere to your lifestyle. It’s the other way around. Same thing goes for when europeans come here.
Listen, I’m clearly not a beacon of open mindedness myself but, in this case, it just struck me that taking trips to europe is wasted on people like these. Hell, it’s wasted on most people. I’m reminded of that Soprano’s episode (it’s fresh in my brain, yall) where they all go to Italy aka the homeland and everyone pretty much hates it because it so far out of their comfort zone even though they’d never admit it. It’s like a vacation that a lot of people do just to say they did it. As someone who never travels for pleasure, I have a different take on it. I hate going anywhere. Mostly cause traveling is the bane of my existence. At the same time, I can’t really speak on most of the places I’ve been to because I’m typically in that city for a half a day. But it seems that, even with my limited scope of what I see when I do these tours in europe, I got more out of it than some people who spend thousands of dollars just to fly over the ocean and complain about the fast food they miss. Now, this is certainly some “outside looking in” shit but it would be cool if people who have this mind set just saved themselves the trouble. If you’re an american and you get weird going to other american cities, trust me, europe is not for you. If you generally don’t have an explorative mind and interest in other cultures, don’t waste your time.
I feel as if , much like having kids and getting married, americans are tuned to think traveling to other countries is a given. While the option to is, realistically, the desire is something far less people truly have. For every 19 year old girl who goes to the south of france and discovers herself over the course of a summer there are like 40 obese midwestern house wives taking trips to places like Russia and wondering why no one can speak english well. They’re walking around , taking pictures of shit they could care less about. They might as well just look at postcards and save all that money.
It seems too obvious but I’m willing to be over half the people who travel for pleasure to other countries are happier to go home than they were to arrive in the first place. I know I am. But I also don’t go to these places under the guise of getting life experience and culture. If I did, I’d imagine I’d approach it all differently. But, it’s a sad state of affairs when I’m feeling like the cultured one on a place full of shit bag americans , impatiently waiting to get back to DVR’d episodes of Duck Dynasty.