Brian: The man behind the electronic curtain

Sometimes I forget how things work. Not my microwave or my sampler but how , in 2012, we as people get shit done. Every now and then I get a shining reminder. The other day, this popped up in my email:

My name is Brian Valenti. I worked at Sony Records for three years, and I am now working in the Marketing Department at Atlantic. I had the chance to do some research on you and I would like to offer my services to you. I maintain Social Media Networks and Brand identity for the likes of (Tyrese, Bobby Valentino, Tyga, etc. Please feel free to contact me if you are interested, I would love to help Maintain Your Social Media. I can provide anything you would need as far as Facebook Likes, Twitter followers, YouTube views (up to Millions of real views for cheap) i can work with any budget. Let me know if it would be ok to send you my most recent Package Deals. Thank you so much for your time.

Take Care,

Whenever I read shit like this, I feel betrayed. even though I know this is real and that’s how some people get things done, there’s still a little part of me that wants to believe that people actually are able to achieve things without needing help from dickholes like Brian.
Granted, this could easily just be spam. Very focused spam but spam nonetheless. But things like this do explain some things I never really have answers for. Like “How does this random un-famous person on twitter have 10,000 followers when all they tweet is links to mixtapes?” or “Why does this horrific youtube video of no value whatsoever have a million views?”
Or what about that shitty group who makes terrible music yet somehow has this huge following? I have literally asked myself before “Who the fuck actually listens to Bobby Valentino (nice name, bro)?”. I’m convinced there is “popular” music out there that no one is actually a fan of but it gets through all the channels via bullshit like facebook likes and twitter followers. Using these kind of tools as a basis of following trends, then those artists get played on the radio and video shows…all of sudden, this music that is painfully dull and average , and could be interchanged with really any other music on the planet, is a “success”. Next thing you know, Bobby Valentino is selling out shows cause people who listen to the radio will like whatever you play them. It’s a crazy cycle that’s roots begin in internet marketing…the least organic fanbase creator ever known to man.

I mean, jesus, this dude Brian is basically selling facebook likes! Is this where we are? We’ve reached a point where someone “Liking” something on Facebook carries so much weight that it has now become something a person can sell? I’m far from a political man. Shit, I care very little about most things on a deep level. But things like this make me wanna go “Falling down” meets Dead Prez on motherfuckers and run up on these crackers in their city halls.

The whole concept behind “appearance versus reality” is basically what the internet has become. It stretches from Facebook profile pics taken from angles to make an obese girls look skinny to press photos of unknown artists in front expensive cars, flexing like they don’t take the bus and live in their grandma’s attic. There was a time when “keeping up appearances” was just something miserable couples did so no one would ask them about their shitty relationship. Mom was sad and lonely, Dad was secretly gay and hates mom and their kid was a cutter who took butthole pics on But the family photos on the wall depicted a family of great security and love.

With this kind of media manipulation were basically just told “Oh, you didn’t know? This person is famous!” and everything else follows suit. It reminds me of a season of The Real World a few years ago where the group LMFAO were on it. They were performing and hung out with the cast. They weren’t really friends and the cast wasn’t really fans of their music. That was product placement at work. Two years later, those two complete talentless retards are richer than Berry Gordy…oh wait…that’s one of their dads…but you get what I’m saying. The merits of doing work, creating something of value and reaping the benefits of that work and talent are gone. Unless you’re Adele or some other freak of nature talent, all that shit doesn’t matter. It’s all based on who’s pushing you, who’s co-signing you and how much money they’re willing to spend to do that. And all that starts from things like that email.
Now, you might be thinking “Blockhead, if that’s true, why don’t you spend your money on getting this cock gobbler Brian to help you out?”
First off, watch your tone. Secondly, I wouldn’t do that because I know emails like that are not sent to me specifically because I’m me. “Brian” has never heard of me. Brian is just throwing out his bait and seeing who bites. Brian, is also a low life amateur who sends emails to dudes like me…which speaks volumes about what kind of power he has (assuming he’s a real person at a desk and not an Iphone app).

I’d like to meet Brian. I’d like to pick his brain. See where it all went wrong for him. It’s not like he sold his soul to the devil or anything. I mean, I would hope he didn’t cause that would be a depressing trade off. But, how did brian become the man he is today? I’m sure , as a child, when he was playing on the jungle gym, he was playing just like the other kids. He wasn’t making connections and getting peoples card while soulessly promising the he can hook them up with unlimited apple juice during nap time. Nope…At some point, Brian became that guy. The guy who rubs the balls of the guy who rubs the balls of the guy who blows the guy who gets fucked in the ass by the guy who eats the shit of the guy get triple teamed by those guys who all blow that one main guy. I can’t be sure but It’s probably due to his bitter mom, angry gay dad and slutty cutter sister.