Behold my childhood art Vol. 3

It’s time once again where I let you into the mind of the weird little kid that was once me. These drawings ,and all the volumes prior, we done by me between the ages of 8 and 10. As you will see, I was not exactly a prodigy when it came to drawing but I was a huge fan of Garbage Pail kids.

“Ann Tek” (pronounced “Antique”)

First off, for a lady, Ann is missing some serious curves. But that might have to do with all that partying she does. I mean, come on! she literally has got a lampshade on her head. She must go hard in the paint. It’s funny cause it kinda looks like Darth Vadar out of his outfit but with his helmet still on, looking behind himself.

Simple. Effective. Why waste time on two word puns when you can just drop a one word banger. While he may look like the peanuts character Pigpen, he’s actually just a walking muff , before I probably knew what a muff was.

“Hippie Harry”

Look at this piece of shit. No shoes, no shirt, no problem. He’s smoking a big old joints and is seemingly being circled by flies. Why? Cause hippies stink. Even I knew that back then. They apparently also all wear headbands. I’m curious what I based this portrayal on but , you know, sometimes you just know what you’re talking about without really knowing what you’re talking about. Even as a child.

“Tourist Ted”

Living in NY, you become acutely aware of people called “tourists”. Those out of towners who come to times square and eat at Ruby Tuesdays for a week. Back then, I don’t think my grasp on this concept was as refined as it is now. Judging from this drawing, I thought tourists all wore two watches, they were glasses wearing nerds, they had shorts on (I can only assume that’s what I was trying to get across) and they strived to not be considered tourists. Now, that last one might be kinda true in a deeper sense of the people who move here from other places and attempt to just fit in like they’ve been here forever. Good call, 8 year old me.

“Disinagrat dan” AKA Disintegrate Dan

This might be my favorite of the batch. How fucked up is Dan? All that’s left is a torso and half a head. I’d like to think this was inspired by that scene in “Robocop” once where the toxic waste dumps on that dude and then he liquifies once a car hits him. Or, maybe I was just in science class that day and learned what disintegrate meant. Regardless, I feel like there’s a movie in there somewhere. The man who’s body just keeps disintegrating. Kinda like Benjamin Buttons but way more disgusting. All you movie executives out there, you can have that one for free. You’re welcome.

And, to finish this all off , here’s a weird drawing I did of all characters from Sesame Street , if they were in a disgusting , drug abusing rock band. No clue what spawned this one but ,whatever it was, it was epic enough to inspire a two page fold out. So, pardon the lack of continuity. You’re just going to have to imagine what they would look like if they were taped together.

It’s a pretty awesome insight into my idea of what rock bands did. They all smoked, they all frowned and Grover was suicidal.

Behold my childhood art Part 2

A few weeks back, I unearthed some artistic gems I drew when I was somewhere between the ages of 9 and 10. I found a box of my own version of garbage pail kids and figured “Hey, these are insane, I might as well share them with people…”
Here’s part 1:

So, here are some more of them…It’s no wonder my mom sent me to see shrink when I was 4…

“Walter Fountain”

Get it? Walter sounds like “water”. Again with the vomiting. In fact, a full on fountain of barf! Maybe it’s cause I wasn’t old enough to be into girls and sex jokes but it’s clear that bodily fluid humor was the best thing one earth to me.

“Strek Zeak” AKA Streak Zeak

Zeak looks like he’s running is absolute terror. Perhaps it’s cause he doesn’t have any genitals? Just a rectangle flap of skin where a penis would normally be. However, he does have strange body hair and a belly button you could fit a roll of quarters inside. Oh,and in case you weren’t sure, he’s naked as explained by my arrow pointing from the word “naked”.

“Perfect Pete”

I was a terrible student my entire life so I’m sure, when I drew this one, it hit close to my heart. I mean, where does this cocksucker get off knowing what 10 plus 10 is? Luckily , his classmates must have been more like me cause they were whipping paper airplanes and what appears to be a baseball at him. Also, I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure he’s holding a trapper keeper. Perfect Pete WOULD be one of those types.

“Fred Fright”

First off, I’m super proud of young me for knowing how to spell “fright”. I woulda guessed otherwise. Secondly, how adorable is Fred? There he is, standing by a bunch of lit old timey bombs from the civil war and all he can do is kinda look like a big eyed goon. I’m assuming, that’s his fear face. Also, notice the one bomb with the super long stem. Why not, right? That’s the “just in case these other bombs don’t work” bomb.

“Buck Teeth”

You can tell that I wasn’t happy with the initial length of his teeth so I added a second extension. This dude has teeth extensions. He also seems to have clear teeth as you can see him belt line right through them. Buck is all sorts of fucked up. At least he had a cool mohawk. That is obviously there to divert peoples attention from his 4 foot long clear teeth.

“Ann Kle”

The pun master killing the game once again with the brilliant “Ann Kle” Cause, she broke her ankle…why not? I’m assuming she’s a ballerina…and she’s also bald. I’ve noticed I wasn’t into drawing hair. So, bald headed hoes it is. I think my favorite part about this one is her elephant man like left hand. That shit is a straight up tennis racquet.

“Tall Paul”

How tall is Tall Paul? Oh, only the same height as one of the fucking twin towers. Yeah, he’s pretty fucking tall. He also has really skinny arms and needs glasses. The glasses kinda make sense though cause, when you’re a giant of Paul proportions, seeing anything smaller than you must be an issue. It would be like a human living in an ant farm that was expected to be able to see what the hell was going on with those damn ants all day.

Behold my childhood art Part 1

I recently unearthed a box of old cartoons I drew when I must have been between the ages of 7-11. Back then, all I did was collect Garbage pail kids and read “The Far Side”. Because of this, my cartoons were basically mind numbingly terrible rip offs of both those things but with a twist of crazy. Apparently, I was a pretty weird fucking kid. I figured it would be fun to share some of these with you guys cause, really, I’ve been cracking up looking at them the last few days.
I find this all especially funny cause I come from an artistic family. My dad was an artist, a few of my siblings are artists and there are a few more scattered around the family tree. However, I seemingly did not inherit this skill. I could not (and still can’t) draw a circle. Seriously, I was and currently am fucking TERRIBLE at all things drawing related. So, here are some of my fake Garbage Pail Kids characters. I’ll throw the rest up at a later date. BEHOLD!

Woody Allen
Because I was such a shitty artist, I had a habit of telling the reader what they were looking at in case it wasn’t clear. Thus the arrows pointing and the words “Axes” and “bird”. This is something I still do to this very day when playing “Draw Something”. Some might call it cheating, I call it evening the playing field.
I’m still trying to figure out the “Forget your local tree” Sign to his right. Perhaps this was my 9 year old self being all environmentally conscious and shit. Who knows.

Dehydrate Kate AKA Dihigrate Kate

Yes, I’ve always been a bad speller.
A common theme you may see in a few of these is that I loved barf jokes. If there was room for me to throw vomit anywhere near a cartoon, I was all in. To be honest, I’m kinda shocked my 9 year old self even knew that people might throw up when they were insanely dehydrated. Especially when standing in front of a prick-less cactus. Oh, and if you can’t tell, those are her eyes bursting out of her skull, no doubt from the force in which she is vomiting.

Nauseous Ned AKA Nawshise Ned

Again with the vomiting. I’m not gonna lie, I still have look up the spelling of “Nauseous” to this day, so I don’t even feel bad about how comically off my spelling was. This one is what it is. Simple. effective.

Jumping Jack

This one could have been extra awesome had I incorporated flashing into it and made “Jumping Jack Flash” but I doubt my art skills were up to the task of portraying that. Here we have jack jumping off one of the World trade center towers. Yes, this was a pre-9/11 world we lived in where little boys were free to draw cartoons of suicidal men plunging to their demise. AMERICAAAAAAA!!!!

Flashing Phil AKA Fashing Phil

Ah..perhaps I skipped the “Jumping Jack Flash” idea cause I had already come up with this banger. I must say, I went about it pretty tastefully. Sure, I could of drawn all sorts of cock and balls up in this but I took the high road. Also, Phil seems to be wearing a hooded rain jacket or something. Regardless, you don’t wanna see what the other side of that drawing would have looked like.

Jack Lemon
I dunno but this one feels like it could be some abstract street art. I could see this tagged all around town and people eventually wearing “Jack Lemon” shirts. Any one out there wanna make that happen, go for it.
I’m honestly shocked i even knew who Jack Lemmon was back then but one things for sure, the kid (Me) loved himself a good pun.

Booger Bob AKA Bugger Bob

This dude got the moves like Jagger.
It’s no secret, adolescent boys love a good bodily fluid joke. Boogers, barf, farts, pee, poop…the cornerstone of all young humor. Suffice to say, that never changes.
My misspelling here was interesting. “Bugger Bob” could have been a whole different thing but I was too young and not british enough to realize it.

Cocaine Dwayne AKA Cocain Dwyane

This one is pretty much my favorite. For sooooooo many reasons. But first and foremost, cause I happened to write somewhat of stat sheet on the back, explaining a little extra about our friend Dwyane

It reads like a Clipse verse. His rock band “Drugged dudes” must have been pretty awesome.
This one is especially crazy cause HOW THE FUCK DID I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COCAINE AT THAT AGE?!?!?! I was way too aware at that age I guess…or maybe I had a coke head baby sitter and I just don’t remember it. Whatever the case, it’s clear that your boy Cocain Dwyane likes to party…to the point where, much like “Dehydrate Kate”, his eyes pop out of his head. It’s 25 years later now and i’ve seen all sorts of real life coked out people…and I’m pretty sure Dwyane puts them all to shame. If you can snort coke till your eyes pop out WHILE SMILING, come holler at your boy Dwyane. He got that pure snow.