Cake always wins


I was recently talking to a friend of mine about the insane amounts of Cupcake stores that have taken over New York City in the recent years. They are fucking everywhere. Now, I’m no enemy to the cupcake. They are pretty delicious in general. Sure, the world famous Magnolia bakery (the one the dried up husks from “Sex in the city” frequented) is completely overrated, but the majority of these places are , at worst, passably awesome.

So, my friend was telling me that all this will soon be changing as pie is gonna be the new thing. She’s certainly a person who follows these sorts of trends , so I don’t doubt her insider info. What I do doubt, however, is that pie could ever knock cupcakes off it’s mighty throne.

I could write a whole book about why any thing cake related is so much better than pie but Comedian Paul F. Tompkins has got it covered:

There is one thing he overlooked though (probably cause he wasn’t relating his entire act to cupcake shops Vs. pie shops). Chances are, if you’re going into a cupcake shop, the vibe will be similar to a lingerie store. Lots of girls and few random boyfriends standing around looking lost. BAsically, the entire cupcake movement has been supported by women.

“But why women?” you may ask. “Everyone loves cupcakes!”

This is true…but think about it. Part of the reason Cupcakes are so fucking popular right now if cause of how they look. By all accounts, cupcakes are an adorable food. Newsflash: Women love adorable shit.The reason a place like Magnolia Bakery is popular is not the actual food. No, it’s cause it’s cute. The decor, the little aprons all the workers wear and, of course, the extremely delicious LOOKING cupcakes.

Perfectly iced in all different colors. Often colors that you don’t typically see on iced desserts like magenta or mint green. Regardless of how completely average these cupcakes may taste, like Prince would say, They’ve got the look. The look that people line up around the block for. The look, so convincing, that people actually pretend to enjoy those colorful shit clumps as if they actually taste halfway decent and not like mediocre wedding cake with unsalted butter on top.

Women have played a huge part in making this cupcake explosion possible. Personally, I’d like to thank them as I’m not ashamed to admit I’ll eat the fuck out of a cupcake. But, like i said, I feel this whole cupcake obsession it largely due to how the cupcakes look. Two things most women are suckers for are small , neat things and an attention to detail. If a perfectly groomed toy dog that was able to arrange bonsai trees and could procreate existed, there would be no need for men. Luckily for us, that doesn’t exist and cupcakes have those two qualities in spades. Pie’s , on the other hand, come in sloppy ass slices. Sure, you can arranged some whipped cream on top and make it look all decadent , but it will never be as neat and perfect as your average cupcake. Also, Women love chocolate. Pie’s tend to be fruit based so that’s a wrap right there.
I was explaining my whole “this pie thing will never happen” angle to my girl and she bought up a good point. What if they make little tiny pies? Would that then even the playing field? Of course not. First off, Like Tompkins mentions above, Icing>>>>>>>>> pie fillings. Secondly, who the fuck makes tiny pies besides those off shoot bakery brands you see in shitty deli’s around the city. There’s a reason no one buy those things. If tiny pies were the answer, I think someone would have mastered that already. At the very least, Hostess, the gods of all mediocre and tasty baked goods, would have taken a stab at it. They couldn’t even keep those pudding pies on the shelves. No dice pie, you lose again.

So, I’m writing this as an advanced gloat to anyone who things pie shops will ever take over cupcake shops. It will not happen. I don’t doubt some pie shops will pop up. I also don’t doubt that they’ll close within months of being open. Pie just isn’t built for this. Sorry Pie, you will never be the “it” dessert. and you will certainly never ever be a cupcake. You fruit filled bitch.

Things girls love

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We’ve all read that “things white people like” book and/or website. The dude is pretty on point. I can’t front. I was out of town this weekend and the majority of the people I was with were girls (Hi girls!). It got me thinking about those certain things that girls just fucking love. Now, I’m not saying these things are exclusive to a woman’s interests or even bad things, but for whatever reason, they love these things. Let’s see if i can prattle off a few…

Raw Oysters
I don’t really get the appeal of raw oysters. They’re basically a mildly fishy , slimy clump of sea jizz. Beyond that, all the goodness of their flavor comes from what you smother them with. also, you don’t even really chew them. you take them kinda like shots. But whatever, i’m not the judge a jury of what you eat. But why is it that girls love oysters so much? I’m talking across the board here. Every time I’ve gone to a restaurant with some girls over the past few years , their eyes light up when they see the raw oysters on the menu, and that is followed by them excitedly figuring out how many and what kind they will be splitting with whoever else at that table happens to have a vagina. I’ve heard that , like chocolate, oysters are an aphrodisiac. But, much like chocolate being an aphrodisiac, that’s some made up bullshit. No food makes girls horny. You know what makes girls horny? liquor and cocaine.
Part of me (the really sexist part) would like to think that women love them some raw oysters BECAUSE of it’s jizz like qualities. Unfortunately , that’s obviously not true cause I’ve noticed lesbians love oysters just as much as the cum gargling straight girls.

Beaches

I dunno if I’ve mentioned this on here before but I’m not a beach man. I think both sand and unfiltered sun are highly over rated. Not to mention, outside of some bays and tropical locations, ocean water is fucking freezing. But , man, you throw the thought of getting on a beach somewhere to a girl and it’s a wrap. It’s like a vacation wrapped it in sunbathing , smothered in a relaxing book reading with a glaze of nature that no female can resist. The ironic thing about this is that, for the most part, outside of laying in the shallow water like manatee’s , they tend to pretty much just sit or lay on their towels. That’s it. Obviously, this is relaxing and there’s nothing wrong with it but…who gives a shit? Go lay on your roof. Or on your couch in an air conditioned room. Shit, take a nice nap. it’s most likely not a hour and a half drive from your place (i’m speaking as a new yorker here) and ,when you’re done, you don’t have a half pound of sand pouring out of your vagina when you stand up. i’m just saying….

Cupcakes

Girls LOVE sweets. Nothing wrong with that. Cakes and cookies are great. But the fascination with cupcakes, in particular kinda baffles me. Not brownies. Not cookies. Not a nice slice of pie. Cupcakes. I like cupcakes. They taste great. But never before has the “cuteness” of a food really held so much weight. The amount of cupcake specialty stores that have popped up over the years is staggering. ALL THEY SELL IS FUCKING CUPCAKES. And they’re wildly successful. Why, you may ask? Cause women form lines out those places on a daily basis. I mean, i’ll devour a cupcake like WOAH but I also am not really trying to eat more than one every few months. Cupcakes , like most desserts, are a once in while kinda treat. The fact that they’re big business now speaks in volumes. It’s not fat and lonely male masturbators lining up for those things, It’s skinny broads in expensive shoes. Someone needs to just get it over with a create an oyster cupcake and corner the market on all this shit.

Emotional, yet not sad weeping

It’s no secret that girls are far more emotional than men. Partially cause it’s socially unacceptable for a man to act like that but also cause women have these things called “feelings”. These “feelings” ,as they call them, cause all sorts of thoughts to whip around the skulls of ladies all day. Occasionally, they will gather in pairs, or even bunches and release the emotional flood gates. AND THEY WILL LOVE IT. While guys are busy calling each other “fag” and watching porn, girls are huddled in one another’s arms openly weeping about the kind of shit that wouldn’t even cross the average guys mind on his most depressed day. It’s not some “My close friend died!” kinda crying. No, if just a cathartic weep-off where they get it out of their system. At least that’s how i see it. I could be totally off cause, alas, I don’t know what these bitches are talking about. ZING!

Facials
Girls love nothing more than a fat load of sperms sprayed all over their faces. ESPECIALLY in their eyes and hair.
Just kidding. That’d be funny though.

Accessories
The beauty of women’s love of things like earrings and hand bags is that it is truly for them. No man on the face of the earth has ever REALLY given a shit about either of those things. They may appreciate them on some level but unless she’s rocking a swastika nose ring , it’s not gonna be a deal breaker. So, this must mean they pine over these things for two reasons
1)They love how the look.
2)To garner envy from other girls
That’s it. No more, no less. It certainly has nothing to do with practicality , cause some of the hand bags I see girls lugging around are simple gigantic wallets you can sling over your shoulder. I suppose men have similar things. Like our hats or sneakers. The difference is, while these things are often for us, they are also often deal breakers to the girls who see them. If you don’t believe me (which i know you do), I defy you to find a dude in Sketchers you would bone. IMPOSSIBLE.

So, to all you guys out there trying to find an in with the ladies, it’s spelled out for you. Take them to a beach for an oysters and cupcake brunch (another thing girls LOVE). After that, have a deeply emotional talk where true feelings are discussed. Allow her to cry on your shoulder. After that, be sure to cum on her tits, cause after all, you’re a fucking gentleman.