Dead giveaway’s to being a dipshit

I’m sure everyone has their own guidelines, but there are some of mine , along with the occasional exceptions to the rule.

The tucked in shirt:

Unless you really have to do it because of some sort of dress code, tucking your shirt in is pretty much unacceptable. Especially if said shirt is tucked into khakis.
Hey khaki guy.. cut loose…untuck that shit…and while you’re at it, take off those sandals you fucking pussy.

If you’re at some sort of waspy beach house party. While I still think you’re a dip shit, you’re also just playing the role.

Rocking Sketcher Sneakers:

By rocking Sketchers you’re basically saying, “I ALMOST don’t give a shit about what goes on my feet but I care just enough to go to a Sketchers store and spend money on kicks my mom wouldn’t even wear to power jog in.”

Exception: Children. Its not their fault. Their parents, however, should be reported to child services.
Payless shoes>>>>>>>Sketchers

Ogling EVERY girl on the street:

You ever see guys that lose their shit on the street over any half assed owner of a vagina that passes them? I understand staring at girls on the street. We all do it…but stopping dead in your tracks and doing a 180 turn followed by a sound effect like “daaaaaaaamn” every time any girl on the planet walks by is just ridiculous. What do you do when an actual hot girl walks by? Jerk off on the spot?

Exception: People who are actually willing to masturbate on the street.
It may be totally wrong but , hey, at least you’re going all out. If you’re gonna make such a lame statement over some solid 5, you might as well just go for it.

Owning a ferrari/lambourgini type car:

They’re tiny and the back seat can maybe fit a premature newborn…maybe. So they go fast…it’s not like you can ever really drive 195 miles an hour. Save the money and get a dick implant. It’s pretty much the same thing.

Exception: If you’re rich enough to collect cars and this is just one of the many pieces you have that sits in your garage, go for it. These kinda cars shouldn’t really be driven anyway.

Being the “Chatty Guy” While Waiting on a Line:

I was on line at the airport to get into Canada a while back. It was long and slow. Right in front of me was bro-ham who couldn’t shut his stupid mouth, he was talking to everyone like it was the first day of summer camp. Waiting can be brutal but waiting while listening to some Umbro short wearing cocksucker cracking Borat jokes is pretty much hell cubed. Sadly, I’m sure in some circles this guy is charming…but what’s worse then him?

Well, how bout…

Being that Guy’s Wing-man/Cheerleader:

Wherever you find the “outgoing talkative” guy, you will find the “quiet dork” who laughs at all of his jokes and thinks he’s “Craaazy” (in the coolest way possible). This is the guy who jerks off to the talkative guy’s stories of getting pussy and later tries to pass those same stories off as his own when he meets new people.

Exceptions: If someone is literally retarded, they obviously get a pass on this one. Otherwise, there are no exceptions.

White/asian people with dreadlocks

Do I really need to explain this one?

Exceptions: Outside of youthful stupidity, NONE.

Working Out all the Time:

This is more about the body builder types then girls who run on the treadmill. I support that fully. But to the body builders, what’s up with that? How fucking ripped do you need to be? What girl likes that? Outside of some jersey shore types, I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl who wanted to bone Lou Ferrigno or Schwarzenegger. It’s kinda in the same boat as the Lambourgini owners. It’s a cool idea on paper, but when fully executed you’re just flying a huge I-have-a-worthless-penis flag.

Exceptions: guy who will readily admit they have a microscopic penis and this is the only way to make themselves feel better. Honestly is a trait of the non-dipshit.

Guys who wear their hats like this:Photobucket

This dude I was sitting next to on a plane recently was rocking his shit like this. It was killing me on some OCD shit that I couldn’t just straighten it out. This type of hat positioning make no sense. Not only is it uncomfortable, it serves no logical purpose.
Hat to the front: shade.
Hat to the back (while still corny is not as bad as sideways): getting the brim out of your face or perhaps arm wrestling on some “Over the top” shit.
Hat to the side: Shading one of your ears?
Nope. shit is corn.

Exception: If you happen to be making fun of people who rock their hats like that.

Saying the Phrase “Party like a Rockstar”:

Way before that fucking awful song existed, I would cringe at the sound of that phrase. It’s the worst thing you can say. It’s an immediate deal breaker. If I had Jessica Beil, naked in bed, with the tip of my penis in her, and she said that, I’d recoil and be out (I’m completely lying but you gt the point) People who say “Party like a Rockstar” are pretty much the definition of “Douche”. Luckily, much like the song, that phrase has subsided over the past year or two. Unfortunately, motherfuckers have to eat so I don’t doubt there will be an equally terrible catch phrase like it coming in the very near future. May I suggest “who let the dogs out?” it’s got club banger written all over it.

Douche bag things to say

You know when someone makes a comment that is obviously full of shit but they stand by it so hard that you can’t really debate with them unless you’re willing to deal with a two hour long argument? Well, I’m calling bullshit on a few common arguments to this effect;

“I don’t watch professional sports, all it is, is over paid athletes.”

Ok, if you genuinely don’t like sports, fine, that’s totally acceptable. But to say you don’t watch it because of how much money the players make is retarded. You watch movies? Why pay money to see a bunch of overpaid actors? It’s the same logic. Of course, athletes get paid way too much money, shocking revelation! Hey Nostradamus, I hear the sky is blue and shit comes out of assholes, good call. So, assuming you like sports but just not watching over paid athletes, you must strictly watch little league baseball and the WNBA. Good luck with all that.

“I Don’t Even Own A TV.”

There is nothing wrong with not watching TV, duh, it’s admittedly pretty stupid most of the time. This doesn’t stop me from watching it but that’s not the point;
People who don’t own tv’s usually fall into one of four types of people:

a.) They like TV but realize it’s way too big of a distraction, so they can’t have one
b.) They can’t afford it
c.) People who are genuinely uninterested in TV all together
d.) Smug assholes who think not having a TV makes them an intellectual

Type A is very understandable and, when confronted with a TV, will zone out like they just shot heroin. I feel bad for type B. Type C boggles my mind but they’re usually not smug about it, it’s just how they are. Some people actually do like reading more then watching “Bizarre Foods”, not me, but I can respect that. Type D can suck a dick though because they talk about it all the time and act as if not watching tv is the secret to being smart.

These are the people on Myspace or Facebook who, in the ‘television Interest’ section, write really annoying shit like; ‘It’s the Anti-Christ’ or ‘I have better things to do with my time’ just read your books and shut the fuck up. They’re worse than preachy vegetarians. Live your life how you wanna live it don’t try and regulate other people’s shit.

“I’m a grown ass man.”

This is a phrase I hear on a regular basis when I play basketball at the park, it defies age and logic. I’ve hear 15 year olds say it as well as 50 year olds and it’s usually in the context of an argument (most likely whether or not the ball went out on you). The thing about this statement is that, anyone who actually needs to qualify themselves as a “Grown Ass Man” is, in reality, a perpetual child, a person who is willing to lose his shit over something as pointless as a possession in a pick up game of basketball.

Saying you ‘Hate’ the drug you’re addicted to…

Whether it be smoking, coke, TV or whatever, saying you hate smoking, snorting or watching WHILE doing said thing is both corny and weak. Maybe you shoulda thought about that the first 100 times you did that shit before you got addicted. For a brief period in my life, I’d smoke a cigarette when I was drunk cause it would make me drunker, I hated it, so I stopped. It lasted about two weeks and the decision was definitive.

If you’re gonna be addicted to anything, have the decency to admit you love it. Revel in it, wear “I love heroin” shirts. I realize lots of addicts get so deep into it that doing the drug loses the high and it just becomes necessity. They hate that they do it and it runs their life, but quit blaming the innocent little drug. If you really hated it, you wouldn’t have become addicted to it but, instead, you loved it so much you became addicted. It’s like people who hate on a classic album even though they know every word to it because they’ve heard it so much. The only difference is, those people stop listening to said album and no there’s no chemical dependency in “Legend” by your man Bob Marley or “Bizarre Ride To The Pharcyde”.

“I Don’t Masturbate.”

If a dude says this, it’s just complete bullshit. Obviously…but when girls say it, sometimes, they actually mean it. I’m more calling bullshit on not masturbating as a life choice. Do you hate feeling good? “Man, I hate orgasms, they suck.” You feel guilty? Trust me, I’m sure Jesus jerked his shit all the time. Hell, the Virgin Mary must have too…maybe she had some random sperm on her hands (it’s a biblical fact she gave mad handjobs…that’s what virgins do) and impregnated herself by accident. Regardless, depriving yourself of harmless and safe pleasure is just plain weird to me.

“Oh My GOSH!”

It’s no secret that I’m not a religious person so obviously, saying something like “Oh my god” isn’t a big deal to me (or even worthy of an after thought). For some reason, whenever I hear someone say “Oh My Gosh” it just makes my skin crawl. I was thinking of reasons why a person would feel the need to replace ‘God’ with ‘Gosh’. I mean, I get it, when saying ‘God Damn It!’, ‘Damn’ is a curse to some people I suppose. However, saying “Oh My Gosh” isn’t cursing god or saying anything remotely offensive on any level.

When you think about how “Oh My God” is basically saying; “That is incredible! Thanks god!” (or something along those lines). The only reason I could think of, for the word replacement, was perhaps religious people think by saying ‘Oh My God!’ you’re distracting god buy calling his name and, as we all know, that motherfucker is listening 24/7. That doesn’t really make sense either because it’s not like people aren’t praying all the god damn time.

Ironically, I pray to Gosh.

“My Cat’s The Coolest”

Hahahahahaa…Fuck that. I realize EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD says it and I realize everyone who reads this will violently disagree with me. It’s no secret I hate cats so I’m totally biased. However, your cat is not the coolest. Your cat is a predatory animal that only likes you because you feed it. Stop feeding it and let it fend for itself (eating mice and shit….) see how much it loves you then. Well, it’ll probably die of starvation but still, cats are users. They’re the animal world equivalent to the girls that go to high post jiggy clubs with the hopes of maybe blowing Wilmer Valderama. They exist for one thing: themselves. Dogs, however, are the animal equivalent to retarded frat boys. Dumb, friendly, and annoying but on occasion some will flip out and try to kill you.

In both cases, I’ll pass.