Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 55

The_Doctor_Is_In
Ohhh yeahhh…it’s about that time again. The Doctor is innnnnn.
I’m not a licensed anything but I do give you honest and fair advice from a perspective you can’t find anywhere else: A stranger who doesn’t give a shit about coddling your feelings. Some call it, keeping it 100. in my day, it was just called keeping it real.
Also, I ALWAYS NEED MORE QUESTIONS. if you’re having trouble in your love life, life in general or what ever, don’t be shy. Ask me for help and I will do my best to deliver. It’s anonymous and , hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s not like your dumb friends are gonna give you better advice.
send me all questions or the heart to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. I’m here to help…as well as create content for this very blog. it’s a win-win, brah.

Block, I need your advice and I need your input. Before I get into it…I want to say that I’m a pretty emotionless guy, I don’t let things bother me and I’m very easy going. ( she has said before that I need to show more emotion)

Okay here it goes…

I was dating a girl for 1.5 years I’m 29 she’s 22. I broke it off in March. The first 7-8 months were great. I bought a house 5 months into the relationship and decided to tackle the house myself and redo it myself. She lived with her mom. Anyways, I’m slow at redoing everything( hardwood floors, kitchen, bathroom Etc) so we would get into little fights We would constantly fight about little shit.

I would get so frustrated with our fights I would feel like I was just spinning my wheels in the mud. I could feel my blood pressure going up. (I think about it now I would try to piss her off at times which was stupid) She had a hard time at home. Her brother didn’t do shit and doesn’t have a job and lives off her mom. She would fight with her brother all the time. She would take her frustration out on me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t handle it. So I broke it off, I broke it off because when it got down to it it just became to much for me.

Couple days went by and I was relieved until I realized I made a huge mistake by leaving her when she needed me the most. so i made the effort to get her back. I got her back…things were the same…little fights here and there. We dated for about a month or two longer. Then she broke down and decided that she needed a break. She couldn’t handle all the things going on in her life at the movement. Always fighting with her brother, her horse got cancer, she was going to school full time and working full time. Anyways…I said okay let’s take a break then.

I was okay, we hung out 2 times since then…I saw her horse with her…and I went to her sisters college grad to take photos for her. She told me about two weeks after the break that she wants to be happy and that she wants to date. I didn’t really think of anything and of course I was saying of course I want you to be happy.

I decided to jump on tinder for the rush of meeting someone new I was honestly not hurt at the 2nd time she broke it off I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. So I hooked up with 2 girls. (Bad idea) Then it hit me…I realized I made a huge mistake by letting her go. It started last week…when she said still wants me as a friend and she still loves me…but she is starting to become official with a new guy. But she tells me she still wants me as a friend. So I said lets hang out Friday 5/13/16 and I can check out her new apartment(they bought a new apt last week) with her sister and give her sister the graduation photos.

I show up Friday with flowers and I made a short video of our go pro footage from our trips while we were together. She loved it, I made her a wood sign that said her cats name with a cut out of a cat. Anyways, being with her Friday made me really miss everything. Laying on her bed together watching tv I tried to massage her back but she said I can’t do that and that ship said a long time ago. So I said okay.

I asked her sister what was going on she told me

‘To me…personally, I think she rushed it with this guy, he gives me bad vibes and she filled a broken heart with an easy fix. Who knows if she will be with him for a week or a year but that’s something she will have to figure out for herself. If you love her I wouldn’t let her go, but I also wouldn’t just keep trying. The best thing for both of you is to keep living your life: meaning date other people, hang out with friends, etc. but at the end of the day you two are still friends. It’s a good thing that you guys can remain friends and possibly become something again one day.’

I can’t tell you how much this hurts block…this weekend has been absolute hell…I can’t eat or sleep. It’s 5:30 am as I am writing this. I’ve been trying to stay busy this weekend but I break down. I’m a mess and completely broken. I’ve broke down and texted her and called her but she says that she is over it and that she has moved on but she still loves me. She loves me but she has moved on. She said she’s always there for me and wants to still be friends.

What do I do block? Do I continue to be her friend and fight the constant pain of her being with another guy? While hoping by being her friend and being there for her the future we might get back together?

Or do I just cut ties with her and delete her from my life and try to recover with her out of it. If I do this I feel like I’m giving up and not being there for her.

I haven’t been eating and I can’t sleep. Any advice and info would be much appreciate. I thank you for taking the time out of your day as well to help me.

Well, first off, this letter could have been two paragraphs long. Just saying. Secondly, this is a break up. This shit happens. Because you’re not the one pulling the strings it’s hurting you more at the moment. It sounds to me like you got a case of the old “The grass is greener” , once you were single. You missed her cause you cared about her but , perhaps, you also missed the idea of her more than the reality. That’s so common in these situations. Especially when the other person moves on. And when that other person moves on and you’re still in the same place, it’s even harder.
What you’re going through is a mixture or genuine sadness and ego. It’s the worst but , trust me, it will pass. However, in order for you to do that, you can’t “be friends” with her. Not now. Perhaps down the line but you clearly can’t handle that shit right now. Dude, You’re out here trying to give backrubs. Would you do that to your male buddy? NOPE. The balance is all off kilter between you two, she’s seemingly moved on and you’re still pining for her. it’s not gonna work. I’m not a believer in people deleting each other from their lives like it’s some sort of hissy fit but backing away is 100% needed here. Don’t call her. If she hits you up, be curt. She says she wants to be friends with you but , even if she really does, I can’t help but think she’s saying that to be nice and soften the blow. If she’s with a new guy, her problems are now his. He’s inherited those from you so, in a way, you can bask in that release.
Also, much like how she did to you, perhaps if you backed away and no longer was there for her whenever she needed you, she might start missing you or remembering what you bought to the table. Or not. You never know. The fact is YOU have no control over how or what she feels. I should also add that she’s 22. She’s young as fuck and putting all your eggs in that basket as you near 30 seems doomed regardless.
The thing about getting dumped is that it’s not your choice. All you can do is deal with it the best you can. It’s gonna hurt. But that shit fades. And all you’re feeling is emotional pain. It’s not like you had a kid together or lived together. on the break up scale, what you went through is pretty minor. So, be sad but keep it moving. You’re allowing yourself to be haunted by a ghost and there’s no point in that.

Here’s the situation:
Facts
– 30 year old boy, 34 year old girl. Met on Tinder.
– Girl LTR minded.
– Epic first date.. Hike, drinks, dinner, crafts,sex. Followed by a whole weekend of hanging out.
– Followed by another week of awesome dates.
– Followed by a discussion in which Boy says he’s super into the girl but now he’s confused, bc he wasn’t LTR minded and was just about to embark on a slut phase and now she’s thrown that off.

Question: what’s best for girl to do?
Her instinct is to say.. Go slut it up and call me when you’re done. Boy suggested they carry on hanging out but not be exclusive. Is it better for her to stay around so she’s present in his mind?
Or to save her sanity, bail, and see if he comes back around when he realizes everyone else sucks.
P.S. He’s also terrible in bed and has a tiny penis

Now THIS is how you write a question. So succinct. Thank you for this.

This is 100% a bail situation. If a girl is in a LTR mindset, she can be fooled to put up with a lot of things, with the faint hopes of MAYBE things working out. The fact this dude is openly telling her “I’m not ready for that but can we still fuck?” is exactly what she doesn’t want.
Listen, a good date and week with a person is one thing. I realize some people rarely have good dates but , i dunno…it’s not that hard to get along with someone for a few days. LTR minded people tend to read that as kismet and then they focus on that “connection” like it’s sent from heaven. When, really, this guy was probably just on point for a week, acting like “early dating good guy” and the girl bought it. If he’s really bout that slut life, he’s on tinder, starting to collect a rotation of women. That’s how that works. You get on tinder, go on dates, be charming and fun , then have sex. The problem there is that, unless the girl is on the same page, it can be confusing as fuck. Now,i give the guy credit cause he’s not lying to her. His straight up-ness makes me believe that he’s not a fuck boy about this kinda thing. He’s basically giving her the options: We can part amicably cause we’re not on the same page OR we can keep fucking. In the girls head, “we can keep fucking” is a glimmer of hope but…it’s not. She’s just gonna be a girl on his roster hoping the other shoe drops and he’s just gonna be having his cake and eating it too. And if she’s the type who get’s jealous or possessive of men, she’s just asking to be driven crazy by the entire set up.
So, yeah…bail. If he had a dick she liked and the sex was good, I’d at least understand that it might keep her around a bit but if the sex and dick are trash? what is the point of having a purely sexual relationship? One that she doesn’t even want! Bail. BAIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

My boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and it is beginning to bother me..

I am a 28 year old woman and have a slender figure. I have a little junk in the trunk and not much happening in front… basically, I have room for improvement if I want to gain weight. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have been living together for almost 2. Everything has been going well and I can’t complain. But lately he’s been saying I could use a little more weight and he would be more attracted to me if I gained some. My response to this has been “oh sure I’ll do that” because I honestly do want to put on a few more pounds, but it’ll be a long process and I can’t help but be bothered by him saying me gaining weight will make me more attractive to him. I’ve basically looked the same since we first started dating, so I’m not sure why he suddenly wants my body to look a certain way. I am actually very sensitive about my weight and have a fear of being too thin, but no one (besides my grandma) has ever commented on my weight like that. It is starting to get to me and it is actually kind of hard for me to gain weight which I am trying to do. I haven’t exactly given him pushback because it’s not like he says these things every day, but comments like “ohhhh there’s something happening back there, it’s getting there, I’m starting to get more attracted to you” are getting under my skin. Am I putting too much thought into this or do I have a reason to feel upset?

This is a two sided thing. Yes, you 100% have a reason to be upset. Anytime someone is picking at your physical appearance, it’s rude. The fact he wants you to gain weight is an interesting wrinkle in this cause…usually, it’s the other way around. I wish i had your problem! But, yeah, being told to look differently by the person you’re dating, even though you’ve looked the same the whole time can definitely be a mind fuck. Have you ever tried speaking honestly about it with him? Be like “You know gaining weight isn’t easy for me, right?”. Just opening that convo in a simple manner would at least make him reconsider bringing it up in the future.
The other side to this is that you guys have been together for 4 years and lived together for 2. It’s only natural that you guys start to nitpick about shit cause, well, that’s a long time and it’s easy to get in a relationship rut when you’ve lived with someone for a few years. Longterm relationships aren’t easy or natural. It’s work. He might be totally happy in the relationship but maybe the “desire” is beginning to wane? It’s possible. It happens. Maybe he thinks more weight could turn that around? It’s hard to say. It’s also not fair to you. But, like i said, these things happen in long relationships. And they either get worse or they get a second wind.
So, really, there’s not much you can do outside of address the problem head on. otherwise, it’s just gonna eat at you and annoy you more and more every time he brings it up, building resentment and fucking with your insecurity. Hell, you could sit around eating cheesecake all day, gain 60 pounds and then he’s probably be kicking himself. Or you could be like “I hear you boo but i wish you’re dick was bigger…” or something to that effect. That’s the passive aggressive angle that no one likes but, hey, it does serve it’s purpose. All that said, I’d go with option A. you’re adults and you care about each other. Talk it out.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 50

bad-business-advice
Hello and welcome to “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m here to help you with your lives problems and confusions. I’m not a licensed anything. I didn’t even graduate college but I’m honest, level headed and I don’t know you. Sometimes, you need to hear it from outside your circle for perspective.
If you have any problems that need to be addressed, need advice of any sort, shoot me a question. Send it to phatfriendblog@gmail.com Or you can leave it in the comment section below. This is all anonymous. I may make fun of you a little but the end game is to help the best I, a niche rap producer who has no horse in this race, can. Walk with me…

Block,

I’m in a dilemma. So an old friend’s BF was recently in an accident. She’s been a good friend for many years. They’ve been dating a few months but I only met the guy 3 or 4 times in passing, seems cool enough though, and by all accounts he is. Thing is, he doesn’t have insurance (even though in my country it’s pretty cheap) and she paid for most of the cost (she comes from a moneyed family, they support her financially). Now they are collecting funds to pay for the hospital bills and resulting minor surgery.

Normally I would, but I don’t feel inclined to donate in this case. I mean, shit, insurance is easy enough to come by. You just have to fill out some forms and pay your fee. And the treatment’s already been paid for. I would just be paying back by my friend, right? It’s not like the US where people go into massive debt from an accident. Then I would understand. I even offered up some legal help (used to be a lawyer) which was passed up. Why should I give any money???

Am I being a total dick here?

You’re not obligated to do anything you don’t want to and I doubt they expect you to. If you were to lend some money, it would strictly be out of the kindness of your heart and a nice gesture. Maybe I’m not clear on what is exactly going on here but it seems like a non-issue. You don’t want to donate money? Then don’t. You want to help? throw him some euros (I’m assuming that’s where you are). Pretty simple.

I see people do this in the states all the time. Like a friend has some crazy expensive surgery and posts about donations on facebook. Strangers give money out of sympathy. People even do it for operations on their pets sooooo….it’s not crazy . But like you said, in your country it sounds different. This persons life doesn’t seem like it will be ruined by you not giving some money to him. Do what you feel, brah.

What up Block,

Knowing what I do about you from your blog ( lifetime New Yorker, self-employed), on a surface level, I’m not sure you’re even qualified to answer this but sometimes an outside perspective is good so give it a shot anyway if you will.

I just recently accepted a job far away from family, friends and anything familiar. It’s a dream job, for me at least and is the sole reason I’ve moved. In this economy, its hard to do what you actually love even with a degree so I’m greatful, thankful, etc BUT…

(Matter of fact, based on that greatful statement above you might just tell me to suck it up.)

Anyways here’s my issue in a nutshell. I’m a fucking newb, yo!!! I’m very unexperienced and despite my being new its very clear to me that even when people are trying to be polite they are somewhat frustrated by having to explain shit that is obvious to them but falls into that not quite second hand nature yet category for me. I’ve been here just 3 weeks so yes, I know I have to give myself some time. But also, I know me being new us going to get old really quick. So what’s your advice? And also, do you think there’s an enormous percentage of people that are just dicks to newbs when they could just be like, “oh hey man, I understand. I was in your shoes once” Thanks

I would say it’s all part of the learning curve. It’s rare that people just start a brand new job and are killing it off that bat. 3 weeks isn’t shit. Time will pass, you will learn how things go and it will be second nature to you. If it’s not, you will get fired and there ya go.
As for people being dicks, yeah…they are all around us. Not just to new people but to everyone around them. Miserable fucks. I was thinking about that the other day. How it takes so much effort to be an asshole yet people go out of their way to do it. It boggles my mind. I can imagine being driven to that point by someone in particular but simply just treating every one around like dogshit, all the time? Who does that? WAY too many people and it doesn’t make sense. It’s so much work.

Dr T,

Any advice for redating an ex-girlfriend from like 10 years ago?

Yeah. Skip it.
I tried it once and it was a disaster.
Here’s what happens:
1)You break up with a person for valid reasons.
2)You remain civil and move on with your lives.
3)You both date other people.
4)Time passes and you guys see each other on occasion and things are “cool”.
5)more time passes and the familiarity you once shared still exists so , now, when you see each other you’re actually friends
6)you’re both single again and many years have passed
7)You see each other , as single people, and start to mistake that old comfort and familiarity as a spark.
8)You guys somehow approach the idea of trying to make it work.
9)You start to date and things go okay for a little bit until…
10) You are quickly reminded of why you broke up in the first place. People don’t change THAT much. This is still the same person who you very likely wanted to throw out of a moving bus ten years earlier

Now, there are obviously exceptions to this. Perhaps your relationship ended for reasons outside of both your control like bad timing or one of you moving far away. Perhaps the issue that made you break up (addiction, another person, etc…) has long since subsided. Maybe you two are simply in a better place to actually settle down. It’s possible. But, in my eyes, going back to the same well years later doesn’t help anyone. What you gotta do is remember the bad parts. We tend to focus on only the good when we fondly remember an ex who we still kinda like but, like i said, you broke up for a reason and people rarely change in those ways.

So, my hair has been thinning on top for the last year or so, and as a result I have to buzz it off every 3 or 4 days lest I look like Lebron James (not quite bald, but not NOT bald). Problem is, cutting my hair all the time is a real pain, and I still have enough hair that actually shaving bald would be even more of a pain (not to mention the ingrown hair problem). What should I do? Should I just suck it up and keep buzzing it every few days, go completely skin on top, or become a hat-guy and hope no one tries to take it off to see my ugly crown?

Bro, I understand deeply. I’ve been losing my hair since I was in my early 20’s. My process was super slow though so i was always confused with what to do. Luckily for me, I look good in hats and make rap music so that pretty much became my go to (obviously). Recently, I said “fuck it” , started shaving my head and prayed my head was a decent shape. Not totally bald and shiny (I think that looks wack on white dudes) but very short. Like a 1 setting on a electric razor. Gotta say…i love it. It was really freeing. And I only shave it like once every week and a half.
The thing is , you can rock it how you want. Shave it every few days if you want of shave it less frequently and just wear a hat for half the week. There’s no shame in that. I dunno how you look in these different stages of hair length but the bottom line of all this shit is that you wanna do what you feel most comfortable with. Whatever make you the least insecure. For me, it’s been hats. i realize that’s a cover up but, what can I say? I’m a vain person and I like that shit. So, yeah, just go with what feels right. Shaving your head isn’t THAT much of a hassle.I say suck it up and stay the course.
Side note, there is nothing worse than being a balding guy who wears a hat and being around a grabby ass girl who’s trying to take that hat off. It’s a nightmare. As a rule, girls should never touch a guys hat unless given permission. That’s a fucking violation. Take note, ladies. Watch those fucking hands!

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 42

Copy (2) of bad-advice
Hellooooooo. It’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. I’m not licensed to drive, let alone give you any sort of real life answers but, you know what? Fuck all that. I’m a level headed and honest guy. I will tell you how it is without petting your fragile ego. At least as I see it.
So, if you have any life problems that an aging hip hop producer might be able to help you with, send them my way. Email me questions- phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous. This is a safe place.

Greetings blockhead. Need an opinion. So I broke up with girl A around new years and parted ways. Was planning on marrying this one but didn’t happen since she became a drug addict and things got ugly. Well after this break up she moved back with mom and dad across the country and we remained friends. Now she’s clean, back on her feet and offered to fly me down for my birthday in march. Well after said plans I started seeing girl B and things are going well. Basically I know if I go I’ll end up cheating on girl B, if we’re still together, and that will turn me into a scumbag. Basically I have 0 physical resistance to girl A. What’s a guy to do???

Hmm…I hate to be vague guy over here but that really depends on you. Do you see a future with girl B? Or is she just someone you like enough to hang around with but don’t really want a long term life with? Also, what’s the end game with Girl a? Could you be with her again, now that she’s clean? Is that even possible , considering she no longer lives near you?
Seems to me, from a logical standpoint, you’d be flying out to see this girl just to have sex with her, in spite of your current relationship. There’s no future in that. However, if Girl B is not someone you think of as a long term person , then maybe this is your way of weaseling out of that relationship.
All I can say is, if you do go see girl A, break up with girl B first. It’s the honorable thing to do. If you’re too much of a pussy to do that, then just cheat. Cause it clearly seems like you have your mind made up.

So I’ve fallen in like with this girl. Problem is she’s on Twitter. She doesn’t exist in reality. She’s almost like a fantasy. She’s a beautiful Russian/Jewish woman from Canada and I just can’t get enough of her. She’s smart, insightful, a sense of humor, easy to talk to. I’ve gone so far as to DM her and even exchange emails so I can show her some stuff I write from time to time. Oh, and she’s mentioned a boyfriend. So the realist in me says the DMs/convos are nothing more than a friendly gesture. She’s like 30, older woman, in a relationship, different country and who knows what the Fuck else. We live our separate lives. But there’s another side of me that says Fuck it if all of these things are true and I can’t make the relationship progress any further why not tell her how I feel? What have I to lose but the specter of an internet relationship that couldn’t have gone anywhere anyhow? So my main questions are should I tell her? And how do you feel about this social network era we’re living in? Doesn’t this aspect of it suck?

Bro, back away from the computer and let her be.
You ever been talking to a girl at a bar and within minutes of the harmless conversation she mentions her boyfriend? That’s code for “This is just friendly and nothing else. Don’t get the wrong idea”. If a person makes their significant other known it’s for a reason. It is only another way when they bring it up but start complaining about that person. Then I could see why your ears might perk up. But that doesn’t sound like what’s going on here at all.
My guess would be she’s friendly and doesn’t view you as anything more than an internet acquaintance. She’s older, taken and doing fine in life. I don’t imagine she’s trolling twitter for dick from dudes in other countries. That said, if this is something you can’t hold in, there is 100% no harm in letting her know. The downside of that, however, is that she will most likely reject you and never interact with you again. Cause, as little as you have got to lose by telling her, is as little as she’s got to lose by politely saying “No thanks” then blocking you on all social networks.

Hey tony, my boyfriend and i have been goin strong for about 7 or 8 months, no complaints, very content together. I feel shallow even thinking this but the way he eats drives me insane. He chews with his mouth open loudly and will talk while pigging out. He also has a fungus on both his big toes that i know he could treat with some effort. Is there a way i can tell him or things i can do to nudge him in the right direction? Im not the best at being delicate sometimes i tend to be blunt about things but i dont want to come off asa controlling bitch. Please help

Hmm…shitty habits of your partner. That’s a tough one. I’d say the toe thing is more likely fixable. It effects his health and is clearly disgusting. So, even though he may be a gross person who willingly lives with toe fungus, perhaps all he needs is a push. Maybe link him with a podiatrist and make up some scary toe fungus facts that might scare him into fixing the issue.
As for the eating thing…that’s harder. I think you fully have the right to say something to him but it’s impossible to not make it sound like nagging. That’s something a mom would nag her son about. That’s a tricky dynamic to pull off. No girlfriend wants to be like a mother to her man. Well, some do but that’s an entirely different topic. Sadly, this problem with how he eats is more your problem than his in that I bet he doesn’t even realize he does it and couldn’t stop if he wanted to. You just happen to be grossed out by it (understandably so). So, you could say something to him about for sure…I just wouldn’t expect much results. Also, your boyfriend sounds like a total fucking slob.

Dear Tony,

So I’ll start from the top. I met a girl about 2 years ago through going to shows. We started seeing each other more and more and I eventually asked her out on a date. We hit it off immediately, but both of us had reservations about having a real relationship. I’ll also note that she has a kid from a previous relationship, and she has told me that she cheated in her previous relationship.

As we hung out more and more, we eventually fell into a relationship and it was pretty amazing at first. However, this girl is extremely flirtatious and has trouble turning down attention from the opposite sex, whether I am within view or not. I tried and tried to contain my jealousy, but its a real emotion and I should have taken the way it made me feel more seriously. Her selfishness doesn’t allow room for considering other’s feelings. RED FLAG

Anyways, she acted on some opportunities in more than one situation. To my knowledge, she says she has never slept with anyone while we were together, but my idea of cheating includes seeking any level of intimacy with someone other than your partner. She had a little fling when on a family vacation, which I found out about way after the fact. Then we went to a festival in another country, and I caught her making out with this random guy on the ground. In that situation, I think she actually got roofied, and I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t found her. Still doesn’t excuse her putting herself in that situation. RED FLAG

We took a break after that, but ended up back together again. Then she ALMOST got in a threesome with a dysfunctional couple, but removed herself from the situation and called me and said how bad she felt. That was strike three, and I know I should have ended it there but I made a pact that if it happened again I would end it. RED FLAG

Well, then we decided, lets get a place together! Cause that will magically solve things. I still can’t figure out why she agreed to do it if she wasn’t willing to commit. I tried to get over her past indiscretions, but my trust was gone. I ended up looking at her Facebook messages and told her (it ended up being an old set of messages from before we were dating) but she threatened me by saying “I’ll give you a reason not to trust me!” RED FLAG

She ended up going to a show with friends from work on a Friday and I had a bad feeling. I asked her the next day if she had kissed anyone, and she said no. The next morning I woke up and remembered a dream where she left me for another guy. RED FLAG

We go to dinner with her friends from work (she tried to back out), and I noticed she was talking to another guy a lot. Didn’t think much of it until she was texting nonstop on the way home. We get into bed and she says we are moving too fast and one of us needs to move out (1 year and 10 months into the relationship). I ask if there is another guy and she says yes. I considered entertaining an open relationship, but my lack of trust and her lack of respect will likely prevent that from ever working.

Phew. That was a lot. Anyways, on to my question: I have broken up with her, but we still live together. We still run in the same crowd and go to the same shows. How do I truly end this in a peaceful manner and move on? How do I stop thinking that I still need her in my life? I feel like we could be friends eventually, but dragging this out now may kill that chance.

She’s clearly not a girl you can ever seriously date. Look at all the red flags (side note: you having a dream about her leaving you doesn’t count as a red flag).
I realize this is much easier to see and rationalize from the outside looking in but I feel as though resentment alone should have driven you away from this girl. Is she that great? Is the pussy that bomb? To me, she sounds like a nightmare. Dating a girl who is a flirt is never easy but add on that she’s a born cheater and you might as well just jump off a building instead of instilling any trust or emotion into her.
The best way to peacefully move on is let her be. Let her do what she’s gonna do and don’t take it personal. She’s gonna do the same shit to the next guy. Sadly, there is no real way to stop how you feel and stop your mind from thinking about what could be. The best you can do is always focus on the bad shit and apply it to your life. Like “Hmm…she cheated on me a lot and made me feel like an insecure piece of shit”. Or “There is no way in hell I could ever truly trust this person”.
Dude, she had you considering polyamory and I’m willing to bet she didn’t even put it on the table. That’s was you just grasping at straws to keep her.
Forget being friends. If that happens it happens, For the time being you just gotta be cordial but uninvolved in her life. Trust me, there are plenty of girls who will go to shows with you.

Ask Dr. Tony vol. 38

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Oh hello there. Welcome to another edition of “Ask Dr. Tony”. While my name is Tony, I am not actually a doctor. In fact, i dropped out of college after one year and never looked back. That said, though my qualifications are shady at best, i do think I give good honest advice. Especially to strangers that I have no emotional connection to whatsoever. I got no reason to lie to you or blow smoke up your ass. Might as well be brutally honest. So, if you want some advice (Life, love or other), send me a question. I’d love to try and help you see the light. Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comment section below. it’s all anonymous so don’t worry about exposing yourself. No one knows you, it’s the internet.
Let’s see what was in the mail bag this week…

I recently got back together with an ex and could use your input.

Obviously, you’re not a fan. I didn’t think I was either. However, I realized that I do still have feelings for this guy and he never really stopped trying to get me back for the two years that we were apart (together 4 years before that). Before we broken up he had gotten me a ring (that I didn’t know about) and he would always say that it’s here waiting for me and that he cried every day for months when we broke up. We were best friends and it definitely sucked to be apart, although necessary. I’m proud of him for getting his life together, considering him having a dead-end job, etc and me moving for an awesome job was the cause of our demise. We’ve both matured a lot of made some positive life changes.

So far things are going well but I am having a lot of insecurity over the fact that while, yes, he kept in contact with me, he did have two other girlfriends. Both of which he broke up with to try to talk to me again. Obviously, the dude is hardcore crazy about me and is going above and beyond to prove that now that we are back together. I love him. My insecurity comes from the fact that while I dated around in the past 2 years, I never had a boyfriend. He actually did have these other relationships and I’m having a hard time not feeling jealous over them, even though I know I shouldn’t.

I made the mistake of Facebook creeping on them and being a typical girl, I felt pretty shitty comparing myself to them even though it’s apparent that my boyfriend wants me over anyone else. That’s part of why I decided to give him another chance, no one has ever pursued me on the level that he has. These girls were pretty though and he obviously liked them for at least a couple months. Reading their stupid posts about spending time with him was gut-wrenching. I’m aware of how dumb it was to find them on Facebook but it definitely proved that I still care deeply about this guy.

We’ve definitely talked about how in order to make this work, we both have to let go of the past. I agree, and I can forgive him for the mistakes he made in our previous relationship…but him pursuing me now (and even then) while he had two other short relationships kinda irks me.

Also, when I was dating around I had some pretty crappy experiences with guys who I liked but never liked me back on the same level. I was hurt in those situations and I find myself a little bit insecure from that, too, and basically I’m just completely overwhelmed with shitty thoughts, mostly about myself, even though this guy is being totally amazing to me now.

I honestly never thought I’d get back together with him but we ran into eachother at a store one day and haven’t stopped talking since. We’ve been “official” again for only a week though. I spent a lot of time getting over him (even though I was the one who initiated the break-up), having fun doing the single thing, did a lot of great things for myself career-wise, but I constantly felt more and more lonely, which led me to feel shitty about myself as well.

For the record, I do see a therapist now, for the past like 6 months because I realized how negative I can be towards myself.

My questions for you are:

Is this relationship worth pursuing, in your opinion? Am I crazy for liking my ex again? haha
How do I get past being insecure and jealous of his exs?

And do you think this sorta overwhelming feeling will pass? We’ve only been back together for a week.

Hmm..Could you perhaps write maybe 15 more paragraphs about this? Cause I don’t think this novella quite covered it. Just kidding but, goddamn…this is a long ass question.
Before I even answer your questions specifically, I just wanna point out that it sounds like, even though you broke up on agreed terms you’re butthurt over the fact that he was better at being single than you. He had two girlfriends and you only dealt with dickheads. But , keep in mind, you can’t gauge peoples relationship successes by what’s written on facebook walls. In fact, I’d argue that people who post corn ball lovey dovey shit on their facebook walls about new relationships are incredibly insecure. If the relationship was that good, you wouldn’t have time to post that stuff. You’d be too busy being happy and having tons of sex with that person. Now, as for your questions…
Is this relationship worth pursuing, in your opinion? Am I crazy for liking my ex again? haha
I’m normally anti-get back together with ex’s but , in this case, it seems the reason you guys broke up was not a rift as much as you moved. For that reason, i don’t see why you can’t be back with this dude.

How do I get past being insecure and jealous of his exs?
No offense but it sounds to me like this insecurity you have is deeper than just his ex’s. I’m willing to bet, when you were single, dudes sniffed that out and walked all over you. Thus your tough time as a single lady. There is no one thing you can do to get past being insecure and jealous. In both cases, you know it’s not the right thing to feel but that doesn’t make it just go away. It’s just how you feel. I would hope, one day, that you will just realize that there is no point to being jealous of his life as a single guy after you broke up. He didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds to me like he may be a needy dude who always needs a girlfriend. Regardless, what he did post your break up has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Clearly, the dude is on your jock again. Like I said, i smell wafts of a “needy/i can’t be single” kinda guy but it doesn’t matter. If you let these things that are so out of your control have an effect on you, you’ll never feel okay. Sometimes you just gotta accept what happened and let it go. If it’s too much for you to handle, then it’s not gonna work. But, just a warning, every guy you ever date will have a history that could make you insecure and jealous, if you let it.
And do you think this sorta overwhelming feeling will pass? We’ve only been back together for a week.
I would hope it will pass. That’s really on you. The way I see it, if you’re actually happy to be back with guy, you guys should be on cloud 9 right now. Especially cause it’s like a new relationship all over again. But if you’re sitting around feeling shitty about it and questioning everything and it’s only been a week? Good luck with all that. It’s only gonna get worse.

I’ve been listening to your music since the myspace days and reading your posts in the def jux site, etc and it seems like during your 20’s you were trying to figure everything out (music and life) and in your 30’s you got established, wifed up…

I don’t know you personally so I might be completely wrong, but it seems like I’m in a similar timeline. I’m in my late 20’s now and I’m also an artist, I enjoy my freedom, etc… I’ve been in relationships but I feel like I want to get my career working and other things cleared (taxes? shittt), before starting a serious relationship again and the rest of other things that other of my friends are already into, which sometimes makes me think that I should be also doing those things before it’s too late? I’m literally the only non wifed-up in my group of friends

How was it for you? It just happened to be like this or was it a decision that you perhaps made unconsciously? Because nobody wants to be that dude on his 40’s getting maaad drunk on a tuesday night and getting laid or not (oh, wait…)

I’d say it was a little of both. When I hit 30 I started feeling like “hmm…I should probably look to settle down a little”. I didn’t mean getting married (I’m still not married) but just kinda start being an adult for real. That said, it’s not like I was looking to wife up any girl I could stick my dick in. I definitely happened to meet the right girl and the timing was coincidental. I could have easily never met her and remained single for years after that feeling that same “I should settle down” itch. For better or worse. But, I can’t lie, there was a bug in the back of my mind subtly reminding me that I’m not 21 anymore.
That said, looking at it now, 30 seems young as shit and I honestly don’t think anyone should rush into anything unless it’s what they want.
I feel as though the pressure for men to settle down and have kids is less now than it ever was. In the minds of men, that is. Especially in big cities where there are endless single women. I can feel a difference in that pressure between now and 10 years ago. It’s like the desire to nest for men has been ruined by internet porn or something. This is actually terrible news for women in the same age range cause it fucks up to balance. Now you got tons of single girls in their mid 30’s looking for a good guy but every dude their age is either wifed up or terrified of them cause they don’t wanna be that serious and they can smell the desperation on a typical single 35 year old girl who clearly just wants to get married as soon as possible. It’s actually kind of a problem. Even worse is when guys just assume every girl they meet over the age of 30 is trying o get married and they won’t even let a casual relationship breath because of those fears. It’s really a lose/lose for all the single girls out there. It’s cold world!

I’m 24 and recently moved in with my lovely gf. I was producing and experimenting with samples, soft synths, drum loops, jamming with strangers (I’m new to my current city) etc.. before we moved in. Now that we live together it seems that almost 90% of that time has been spent on mundane errands or just plain mental and physical exhaustion. I mean, I never went to the grocery store twice a week or had to pick up birth control with the lady before, and now it seems that once i leave my menial paying 9-5, I can’t quite fit in my personal time unless it’s scheduled days in advance. My question: how does one balance adulthood with the current hopes and dreams their youth?

Living with someone is all about compromise. You’re going to have to do shit you don’t wanna do…all the time. That said, how much can one really go to the grocery store for it to be enough to feel like it’s taking all your time? That doesn’t even make sense.
Errands are errands. They don’t take that long. As for the mental and physical exhaustion, I’m not clear on where that’s coming from. you said you quit your menial job so, i assume you mean that dealing with your girlfriend is so tiring, you don’t have time for yourself? If so, guess what? You either have a shitty girlfriend or you’re a pussy. Either way, having time to yourself in crucial to any relationship. Moving in with someone should not mean that your life and desires to live a fulfilling life suddenly no longer exist. Perhaps you can talk to her about this. Explain that you need to have time every week to be creative. I can’t imagine any person , who’s not an asshole or crazy, not respecting that. I don’t know how big/small your place is but surely you can go in a room somewhere, shut the door and make music. If even doing that is a issue within your relationship, you’re in for a nightmare. I feel as though the ability to be apart from each other happily is just as important as how you get along when you’re together. Both are necessities to a healthy relationship.
So, basically, it’s on you to find time to do what you want to do. You’re 24. Adulthood’s pretty fucking new to you (honestly, I’d advise against any 24 year old living with their significant other, but that’s a different question). at 24, “dreams of youth” are still in effect. You’re still very young. Talk to me in ten years. If you’re still twiddling knobs and making bedroom music that no ones heard or cares about at age 34, then it might be time to reevaluate how you spend your free time. But now? this is when you do that and figure that shit out.

I got a trivial question for you, Block, however it involves Crocs, so you know, not so trivial after all.

Me and the girlfriend are going on vacation this september. We want hot weather, the sun, the sea and shit like that. The place that looks like the best deal for us is all good, however the beaches there are apparently pretty damn rocky. Since we both want to go to the sea and not just sit near the pool like all these fat tourist slobs that never leave the hotel, this presents a problem. In past years I’ve been on a few rocky beaches and going through all these fuckin rocks every time you want to swim is kind of a pain in the ass, especially with waves crashing on you when you try to find your footing and not look like an idiot or fall on all these rocks and shit. The few reviews I read on this place advises some swimming footwear. In the past I tried flip flops (I only wore them in the hotel room or on the beach, never on the stret), but these are kind of really unreliable in the sea and you can lose these fuckers easily when a wave catches you.

So for the first time in my non-Crocs wearing life, I am considering buying shitty, cheap Crocs-type of things for the sole purpose of commuting from the beach to the sea. Obviously, I am very conflicted. Crocs are embarassing and shitty and make you look like an idiot, but at the same time so does falling on some rocks or walking like you’ve just learned to make your first steps when you submerge/emerge in/from the sea. Everything else about that vacation deal is great, so I don’t plan to go anywhere else, but I find myself in a comfort vs bad looks kind of situation.

If you were in my predicament, what would YOU do? Would you just do what I usually did and stumble your way into the sea like an idiot, or would you say “fuck what anybody thinks, Crocs seem to be the best solution for my problem”? Would you recommend me some other cheapass “beach footwear” that I am unaware of but would work better? HELP ME.

Listen, I’m the biggest asshole on earth when it comes to judging people for their open toed shoe game. This has been established. That said, I’m not hitler. Crocs exist for a reason. They’re comfortable (so, I’ve been told) and can be worn in certain situations, guilt free. No one rocks crocs cause they think they look dope. They wear them cause of how they feel.
You’re going on vacation. Vacation is all about saying “Fuck everyone, I’m chilling”. What better time to buy a pair of terrible looking shoes and wear them in a foreign country like “WHO CARES!?!?!”? ESPECIALLY if you plan to only wear them to and from the beach. That’s literally the best use one could ever have for crocs (on duty nurse’s excluded). So, have no shame. Buy those atrocities. Wear them with pride. No one can judge you for that. Just make sure to never ever wear them out socially when you get home.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 35

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Why, hello there. How’s your life? How’s that guy/girl you’ve been dating/fucking/marrying? Well, I’m Dr. Tony. I have a high school diploma and no background in anything remotely related to doling out advice but, you know what? I try.
If you have any life questions that need guidance and don’t feel like paying for a shrink and/or listening to you dumb ass friends biased advice, I’m your guy. Send them my way. Either Email them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. It’s all anonymous and , who knows, I might actually help you figure out whatever lame ass problems you got going on in your life. After all, i don’t know you so I have no reason to not tell it like it is. Makes sense, right?
So, here are this weeks questions…

Hey, Dr. Tony! I’m wondering:

What are your thoughts on getting back with exes? I’ve been considering getting back with an ex, lately, but, I have quite a bit of trepidation.

This girl broke my heart something vicious, and it took a long time to get over her, so fear of that happening again still kind of lingers in my mind. But, more importantly, there’s a part of me that feels like I’m selling myself short.

Thing is, we have an undeniable chemistry, one that I haven’t felt before or since her. And, even though we dated in our early 20s, that connection is still there.

I dunno, maybe if I wasn’t 30, I wouldn’t even be considering it, but, I can’t decide if getting back with her is a good decision or just a delusion

Been there. Done that. Will never do it again.
Check this out…the problem with getting back together with old flames is that we only seem to remember the good parts. You see that person again and feel like it’s brand new. You fondly look back on the rapport , the sex and the over all vibe that drew you to that person in the first place. You have that comfort level (which is something that will often keep couples together in the first place once everything else has withered away). One of the worst parts of meeting new people is that you have to reintroduce yourself to a brand new person. Tell your stories. fill them in on your background. Introduce them to family and friends. So, that daunting process will often make us lazy and take the easy route…an ex.
The thing is, the mind has a way of totally blacking out the bad parts of your past relationship. We forget why we broke up in the first place. You forget those feelings of resent and general disdain you once had for that person cause you’re not thinking straight. Nostalgia is a motherfucker. Now, this could be a little different if you guys broke up on particular terms. Like if it was due to one of you having to move somewhere far away or another similar “it’s out of our hands but we can’t be together” type situation. But, outside of those examples, we must never forget the bad times. Think of those moments you spent sitting in your bed, seething at that person. Or how that person made you feel when they let you down. Even better, focus in on all those annoying traits that used to drive you crazy. Things that you can’t even explain to another person without sounding like an asshole but you know, deep down, they drove you insane. Those are the moments you gotta bring up when an ex comes back around. That said, you should definitely bone each other cause that’s always a lot of fun. Just don’t bring your emotions into it cause then, it’s a wrap for both of you.

So I’m a 23 y/o dude who started seeing this girl (20) who just broke up with her boyfriend. We’ve been talking for about 3 weeks now and hangout almost every day. I joke while drunk that I am just a rebound which she responds I am not and how she really likes me and appreciates that we have a connection even while sober.

3 weeks of chilling and we only done the deed 3 times. One of the times (our first time sober) she may or may not of cried. (I am pretty sure she did even though she denies it when I bring it up). When were drunk she tells me she really likes me a lot but isn’t looking for a relationship. Which I get, her just getting out of a relationship and all.

Anyways In my head I know its not worth the time devoting this amount of effort on a girl not looking for a relationship, yet at the same time shes not putting out enough to constitute a fuck buddy. But I am not drowning in pussy and the once a week affair greatly out does what I am use to getting.

How do I tread? When were not together and shes with other dudes I am alone at home doing not shit. Whether shes banging these dudes, I don’t know. If she is, she is giving it up to them a lot easier then she does me. (these dudes seem to be long established friends so I am not too concerned).

Idk man should I continue to work for something that may potentially become a relationship? While other guys may not have to work so hard? Or should I go back to spending my weekends with “boys night out”(trying to get laid but continuously failing)/playing xbox?

PS she even followed you on twitter because I said you were a funny fucker and I told her your blog is hilarious so I hope she doesn’t read this and if she does….HI!

That’s rough but you gotta just kinda take it for what it is. First off, she’s not looking to settle down. So that’s off the table. Once you accept that as fact, then you’re already in a better place. When a girl says that to a guy, it’s as real as real can be. Not to be confused with a girl who is in a sex-only relationship with a guy she likes, who parrots a guy saying “I’m not looking for anything serious…” on some “Oh yeah, me neither!” shit , even though deep down, she is. In your case, she said it to you and that means it’s authentic.
So, what you gotta do is either ride it out and take it for what it is: occasional sex.
or , if that’s not something your comfortable with, then just leave it alone.
The upside of the first option is that you can have boys nights out and look for other girls and still have sex once in a while with this girl. The only reason that would be a no go, to me, would be if you’re not emotionally ready to be that kinda guy. Which is fine.
Another aspect of this is that you make it sound like she’s fucking all sorts of other dudes. She sounds like she’s in full “I’m a free woman!” mode but she’s also 20 years old. Sounds to me like the last thing she’s looking for is someone else to lock her down. She’s 20, dude. If it were up to me, I’d make a rule that no one under the age of 25 would be allowed to even be in a committed relationship. But, alas, i’m not a god.
Also, it should be noted that a drunk 20 year old girl telling you that she likes you really doesn’t mean much. She might really feel that way but there are clearly way too many distractions for her to ever follow up on that.

Hey Block,

I have a question for you about friendship and mobile communication. Few days ago I visited a big city where some friends of me live. They do not know each other. I wanted to meet them separately. I tried to make appointments, because I had only one and a half day. I thought it must be simple, because everybody is equipped with mobiles, internet…

Yeah – but it went “We can meet in the afternoon”, nobody wanted to decide at which time & which place we could meet. I got some text messages, not signed with a name (unknown mobile number), so I could not see who wanted to meet me. I had to call back or to text back, asking “okay, we could meet at 3, but who are you ?” A friend texted but used two different mobiles. It was soo annoying. I wondered “Do they really want to meet me ?” Okay, in the end I met some of the friends I wanted to see, I was happy to see them, we had a nice time. The time was a bit short, because their decision process took so long time. But why it had to be sooo difficult to decide on time and place ? I discussed this with a friend, a) why is it so difficult to decide ? b) why so extremely unattentive (texting with new mobile without signing with a name, texting cryptical messages…) and he said, it it out of fashion to make decisions, everybody wants to stay flexible, to decide spontaneously. And the bad style in communication, it is only a bad habit, nobody should take it personnally.

But I take it personnally. I think, okaaay, I thought we were really, really good friends, but lets face it, we are not. Am I just oldfashioned ? Maybe it is a new style, a new culture, and I’m left behind ? It is definitly a style which makes things complicated, its stupid. When I grew up (I’m 36) we only had non-mobile phones, it was soo complicated. But now it seems to me even more complicated. Next time I gonna tell my friends “I got no mobile, if you want to meet me, we must agree beforehand about time and place” even if I got a perfectly healthy and working mobile.

I think, friendship is about decision. It is a main point. I must DECIDE which whom I want to spend time. It would be easy to say “Oh, my friends are just lazy dickheads but I like them the way they are”. No, I know definitely the friends in question are not. One of them is a scientist, he is well organized and not lazy. An other friend, she has founded a monthly magazine on her own, she is very, very well organized. And so on. Maybe they are tired of making decisions ?

What do you think about that ?

To make a long story short: My current pet hate is the inability of my friends to decide on appointments via mobile (and their vague messages which drive me crazy). Are they really my friends ? Are they careless because I’m just not important to them ? Or ARE they my friends but I am totally oldfashioned ?

Just a tip, if you’re gonna write “To make a long story short” it should not follow like 5 paragraphs of explanation. Anyway…
Welcome to 2014. This sounds like a handful of different things.
1)Your friends are flakes
Flakey people are THRIVING in the texting era. It gives them an openness they didn’t have 15 years ago. You can vaguely make plans and cancel on a whim 5 minutes before meeting up.
2)Let’s be honest, these people are just close acquaintances.
I’ve got tons of “friends” all over the country. If I’m in their city for one night, I know there are some that will always be down to hang and others that are more about timing and what they have going on in their life. I know, when someone comes to visit NYC that I’m cool with (but not really a close friend with) I MIGHT make an effort to see them but it’s definitely not a priority. Where as, if a close friend comes to town, plans are made and solidified well before they even arrive. Sounds to me like you’re in that latter group of people. Nothing wrong with that but you may just need to temper your expectations of people. They got their own lives to live in the place they live in. Only a good friend will drop everything to make an effort.
3)I don’t think you’re old fashioned. You just sound a little entitled and easily annoyed. I get both those things cause being in a city that isn’t home and not having anywhere to go is the worst. I think the combo of flakey friends and friendships that aren’t that serious is the culprit here. I’d say, in the future, if you want to make these kinda things work, lock down plans. Like call a week in advance and get these people to commit to something more than just “I’ll call you when I’m in town”. Otherwise, it’s as much your fault as it is theirs.

I’ve been a single mom for about a year now, I’m 28 and I think I’m ready to start dipping my toes in the dating pool. Not looking but not not looking. At what point do you think I should tell a guy that I have a 3 year old? Right off the bat? A couple hang outs in?
I mean, on one hand, especially when it relates to dating, I want the person to get to know ME and not just see me as a Mom. (I know if he’s scared off then he’s probably not the right one…blahblahblah but honestly, I’ve been scared off too, before I had my own creature). On the other hand, that’s what I am, day to day, a Mama Bear. Reading over this, it sounds shitty and looks like there’s an obvious answer, but it’s different when you live in your own head. Please solve all of my life problems. kthanksbyeee!

I don’t think there is a definitive answer for this. It depends on what you want from the guy and how comfortable you feel with letting people know that.
If you’re just trying to get laid or have a regular sex partner, then I don’t think he needs to know about it (unless he specifically asks about it). If it’s more serious, then I think you play it by ear. Just don’t be a crazy person and wait to say it right after he’s finished dumping a load inside/around you. You gotta be careful when dropping bombs.
I feel as though it shouldn’t define you as a single woman but it’s also something you can’t sit on for that long. Like i said, if he asks, you have to tell him. If things are picking up steam or you see long term possibilities with a dude, you should tell him before it gets too deep. Basically, having a kid is like having herpes. Just kidding. It’s way worse to not tell a dude you have herpes than not telling him you have a kid. but I digress…
If it’s a dude who’s gonna come over, he’s gonna find out anyway when he trips over that thomas the train engine play set. He’s also gonna wonder why you can’t just go out on a whim whenever. So, yeah…let it out when it feels right but don’t sit on it too long cause then it will come off like a sneak attack.
Side note about young moms, you guys kinda have it great cause you’ve already gotten the baby making part out of the way and , after that, you can truly enjoy your life. Sure, you killed a bunch of years in your 20’s but, still, the arrow is pointing up for young moms.

Ask Dr. Tony vol. 34

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Sup guys and gals,
It’s been a while but the doctor has returned with some advice your mom wouldn’t give you. Or maybe she would? I dunno that bitch. Anyway, for those who don’t know, this column is where I expel life advice all over the place. People send me questions and I do my best to answer them honestly and constructively. I’m not a shrink. Not even close. I’m barely a functional reader. But, I don’t know you , I’m have no agenda to lie for and , sometimes, it’s a good idea to get advice from outside your bubble. If you have any questions you’d like me to tackle, send them my way: phatfriendblog@gmail.com
or leave them in the comments below. I’m here to help (and occasionally make fun of you). But more so to help.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

This is for dr tony:
Do you think a male and female can be strictly platonic friends without any sexual history and neither one be thirsty? Let me lay it out for you, been talkin to this great guy for a few months now. In the past couple weeks he locked it down as exclusive and i was ready for it and happily accepted. Since the beginning he has told me one of his best friends is this girl he has known since high school. Since we’ve dated, ive hung out w her a couple times and both times it was a bit weird. She wouldnt look me in the eye when we talked, and when we got to the bar she sat at the other end of the bar and looked sour apple. Guy im dating says he doesnt like her boyfriend bc the bf is the one makin it weird not her. Have you witnessed girls get jealous over friend zoned guys? Its like she “doesnt” want him sexually but never at least pretends to share a laugh with us or engage in any convo whatsoever. My guy has talked about how sweet and awesome this girl is and all but when we hang out im digging conversation out of her and then have to fake positivity later when my guy asked “do you think yall could be friends? Howd you like her?” Im not the type of person to care too much what other people think if im feelin someone, but have you seen any of your girl friends get jealous when you brought a girl around you were diggin hard? Im always tryin to be the wingman for my friendzoned guy friends but thats bc theres no attraction from my end. Whatever please tell me im being over analytical.

This shit is mad real.
To answer your question, yes. I do think male/female platonic friendships can exist. While I think there are tons of elements involved that make them possible, they are, in the end, possible. The most common ways I’ve seen them begin are
1)the two people have known each other so long the idea of the other being sexual is revolting to both parties (but more revolting to the girl, typically)
2)They met through a former bf/gf and only knew each other as that persons friend so, when the relationship ended with that bf/gf, it was not even an option. unless you’re dealing with low lives and then, you know, all bets are off.
3)The actually did hook up, got it out of the way and realized they’re better off just being friends (I’d say this is most common and , also, most effective for long term friendship.)
4)Both parties are equally not attracted to each other. Though I’d venture to say this one is actually kinda rare cause I feel as if it’s in our human nature to be drawn to people we’re attracted to. There’s usually one person that is at least mildly attracted to the other it’s just it’s so obviously unrequited that the person drops it as a possibility and accepts the friendship.

Now, as for your situation…I’ve definitely seen that. And yes, friends can absolutely be jealous of their friends new boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s pretty simple though.
With male friends, it’s more of a big brother thing. Being a a step away from apes, we have it in our minds to want to protect (this is assuming this person is indeed a real friend and not some dude trying to fuck on the low that’s your “friend”). So guys will generally be a little stand offish at times to a new boyfriend. Also, there’s an element of “should I even bother making friends with this dude? He might be gone next week and who cares?”. Eventually that posturing should subside though and they’l have some corny bro bonding moment and a “he’s an okay guy” revelation. That’s kinda how we work.
With girls, and I could be off on this, I’d say it’s more territorial. They see a new girlfriend as more of a threat to their relationship with the guy. I mean , let’s be honest here, who hates girls more than other girls? and if a girl comes along out of nowhere threatening to take time with their good friend away from them , she’s gonna act weird. It’s typical petty behavior and, I’d hope, it’s short term. Meaning, the friend would eventually just accept it and come to terms with this new girl being around, eventually leading to you two getting along.
That said, she could be one of those girls who just doesn’t like other girls or she might just hate your face. You truly never know. Bitches be trippin’!

So Tony this question might be a little bit out of sorts for you and involves a pretty good amount of drama, since I basically only read your post when I’m taking a shit ( and I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s the best and only defication reading material I enjoy) it’s that since seeing all these people with giant paragraphs on basically miniscule stuff I thought I would throw my hat into the ring. So I had a gf for about 3 years we broke up almost a year ago but the twist is it ended with me going to jail, which sounds terrible I know but I think we all can agree ladies are crazy, so to put a veryyyyy long story short we had put issuse basically arguing alot, it got to the point where 2 days would not go by without an argument, she was pretty abusive, as in would slap me, scratch me, punch me almost everytime these arguments took place, which were basically about petty nonsense, we started dating when I was 17-18 and she was 16 and the relationship continued till she was 18 and I was 20, her mom was a single mom and when I was 17 I had a pretty good job and was making alot of money but her mom was struggling so I moved in with them due to the fact I have been on my own and was renting a room at the time, so we lived together for like 1 year or so until she graduated hs, during this time when I was supporting her and her mom she cheated on me, I found out about it and moved out, but we still continued talking, I knew that she had previously indulged in drugs such as ecstacy and rumoured to have smoked meth but since we were extremly close i honestly thought she quit and everything was good but once she cheated it became apparent that she was still using, nevertheless me being a pussy whip dumbass I took her back, ended up kicking the guys ass and ” won” her back the cliche 18 yr old bravado nonsense, well this was a massive mistake, after she graduated we wanted to move so I had some connections in riverside and could get a pretty good job there and riverside community was a good place for her to study to become a nurse, so things cleared up and I thought we could forget the past and move on with the nonsense due to the fact that we were both young and dumb. So I threw down about 1235 on this apartment a month including pet rent ( because of course at this point in out relationship we owned a dog together haha) but yeah she ( as in her grandpa) paid about half of the rent and I paid the rest and utilitys, now at this point she is 18 and I’m 20, things are good for about 4 months than I start to notice some shizz going down, her losing alottttt of weight, erract behavior, me basically doing all her homework cause she sleeps all day and misses classes, now call me a dumbass all u want this chick was smooth, she played it off as if it was my fault for these actions, the fights escalted, she became more violent and u felt stuck, I mean fuck I basically put my whole lifes effort into this crazy girl ( which wasn’t much I mean fuck I was 20) so one night she comes home obviously spun out of her mind and wants to break up, and I am actually all for it at that point but than she says I should leave and she is keeping our dog which is actually my dog, and she said she already called my dad to come get me and told her mom that I was on drugs and abusing her which is basically the opposite of what’s happening haha so her mom comes over I actually ended up going into the room and searching for her meth pipe and Find It! But she has her mom so wrapped around her finger she convinces her it’s mine haha so I am soooo livid at this point I just leave the apartment, I go to a buddys tell him wats up and of course they have been telling me to ditch the broad for like a year, so I go back the next morning to pick up my stuff and finally just seperate myself from the madness. Once I get there she won’t let me in to my own place, finally she let’s me in and as I’m packing my shit she says she is sorry and wants to be with me, like really? After the whole fiasco the previous day? So I am just fed up wit it, she is in front of the door and won’t move she is yelling and scraching at me so this is where things get nuts, I tell her to move she obviously is strung out of her mind , so I push past her, not violently whatsover( I have 4 sisters I would never do that shit) but she throws her self on the floor and starts yelling I hit her, well to sum up the story I leave and she calls the cops, but my neighbors know that she acts up and has made shit up before, but nevertheless they come and arrest me. For nothing!!! I had legitement wounds on me from her scraches, she has nothing on her except a pipe in her car and room hahaha so they take me in and I think I’m not gonna do any jail time for this due to the fact they have no physically inclicted injury evidence, and I have alottttt but low and behold due to the fuckedddd justice system and the fact I can’t afford a legit lawyer the give me 6 months in county jail and 3 years probation. Which really fuked me life up, I was almost graduated from college and was gonna be a substitute teacher till u got my degree and had a awesome fulltime job but lost it all due to this crazy drug addicted chick who is on to using the next guy she can find, I got put in october and moved back in wit my dad and things have been ok, I mean it definitly helped out my music and writing so maybe it was all for a reason but my question is and I honestly don’t know if u can answer it due to the fact this is so circumstantial but how do I move on and deal with new shit, cause I’m only 21 and have alot of shit to give to the world and don’t wnna be stiffled by this shit but it’s hard when I have a felony on my record, and to be able to talk to new girls without the stigma that they are pieces of shit hahha? But yeah dealing with those trust issues hardcore so any thoughts?

Wow dude. First off, it’s always funny when I can tell something was typed on a phone and this novella must have taken you hours to write. That is one long dump.
Anyway, that’s a pretty insane situation. On one hand, I applaud your patience with this girl but I also chalk that up to dumb teenaged love. We do completely nonsensical things when we are young based entirely on emotion and hormones. On the other hand, part of me feels as though the fact you were willing to put up with this obviously broken situation for so long makes me think you got some issues of your own that need to be resolved. Now, don’t get me wrong, they’re no where near as fucked up as that girls issues but your loyalty towards her was to a fault. The second those fists start flying and the fighting is happening every few days, in my eyes, it’s a wrap. I’m also a “drama free” kinda guy though so, maybe it’s just me.
Let’s be honest, she fucked up your life. You got a record now and that’s that. But she didn’t ruin your life. It can go on. I don’t know what kind of work you do but considering you said you were making decent money at 18, it’s clearly not a job that was based on being educated. So, hopefully, you can still get work in whatever field that is. As for dealing with other girls and not thinking they’re pieces of shit…just know that you came across one REALLY shitty human being. She sounds truly fucking awful. Like “I wouldn’t swerve my car if she was laying in the road” awful. but that’s just one girl. At least come across like 2 or 3 or these lunatics before you start making sweeping assumptions about 51% of the entire earths population. In fact, I’d say that this experience should have taught you some things.
Such as:
You can’t fix someone who’s broken. That’s not ever your job.
When you see early signs of crazy behavior, it’s only gonna get worse
and, something that is HIGHLY under rated,
if all your friends are telling you that the person you’re with is bad news, they’re usually right. I can’t stress that enough. To anyone out there reading this, if ALL your friends think your girl/man sucks, he/she does and you need to get the fuck out of that relationship. Get your mind right, bro.

Is there a way to stop being a big box of envy?

That’s a tough one. I tend to think being an envious person is simply a trait you either have or don’t, on varying levels. Then again, maybe it’s like trust and , over time, it gets worn down after years of people misusing it.
The thing about envy is that it’s a pretty petty trait. It’s you caring way too much about what another person does that, in general, doesn’t effect you. I’ve always kinda thought envy and jealousy were synonymous but ,now that I think about, they’re actually a little different. Jealousy is when you’re possessive of something/someone. Like Boyfriends and girlfriends get jealous of each other. But envy? That’s just looking at any old asshole you know and wishing you could have what they have. For instance, I’m not jealous of the guy who gets to have sex with Emily Ratajakowski cause it’s not like I could ever do that in reality, but I am envious. It’s a human emotion. It’s also the foundation of being a hater ass hater. So, even though you can’t control it, I’d advise do your best to keep it under wraps cause it’s a truly unattractive quality on anyone.

Here’s the deal, Block: I decided to become an English Education major in college. I just got my Master’s degree in December. The teaching market is really shitty where I live (and in most other places, too). As we all know, the education system itself is completely fucked up. So, here I am, going to junky substituting jobs in the nearest major city while working three other low-paying education jobs, and I still can’t afford to move out, and the future truly looks bleak for a happy future teaching kids how to read and write. I’ve been considering just saying “fuck it” and joining the military where I can become an officer for having a Master’s, or just grabbing some other job where I will get paid well and not have to take my job home with me at the end of the day. What to do, Block?

You realize you’re asking a person who hasn’t had a real job for 10 years about job advice, right? This is kinda like asking me “Hey, what kinda car should I buy?” knowing I’ve never driven in my life.
All I can say about this one is based on only things I’ve seen with friends.
If you have a passion for teaching, then I’d say do it. If that means moving to another state where there are more jobs available, then so be it. If that’s not an option and you simply can’t afford to support yourself via teaching, then it might be time to seek out other avenues. Sure, the military is one. I really know nothing about that life and, in my eyes, that’s always been a last option for anyone…especially someone who is already educated. That said, I don’t doubt it has a lot of perks. But, another option is doing what I’d venture to say most people in the US do and just get some shitty worker bee desk job that pays you well enough and submit to being that guy. The office space life. It sounds like a nightmare but , hey, you gotta eat and put a roof over your head, right? I’m not saying get a job at Arby’s but you have a college education. Hopefully you can apply that to SOMETHING. And those are jobs zombies can do. Go to work, zone out, go home.Although I’d imagine it’s soul sucking, I think it’s easy to not take that home with you.
But, yeah, my first goal would be to find a teaching job anywhere I could cause it’s clearly what you want to be doing. But, that said, I guarantee you’ll come home from teaching way more wound up than some boring ass 9-5 job. Man, jobs suck.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 33

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Awww shit…I’m back! It’s been a month or so and it’s time once again for “Ask Dr. Tony”. This is where you guys ask me for advice concerning topics of the heart. Why me? No clue. I’m just a guy who makes beats. That said, I’m a stranger who is even-handed and honest so it sorta makes sense if you think about it. To be clear, I’m not licensed to drive a car, let alone tell you how to make your love life work but, I swear, I’m decent at this. If you have a question that needs to be answered concerning your life, your love or whatever it is, send it my way: Phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave it in the comments below. The Doctor is ALWAYS in. This week starts out with one of the wackier situations I’ve come across. It will also explain the significance of the header picture.
Let’s go!

Me and my girlfriend/fiance’ are going to have our first child next year. She has a had a boy with another dude before me and named him after RHCP front man Anthony Kiedis and had this dream of naming our unborn son Michael after bassist FLEA to complete the RHCP band or at least get close to it. I am not a big RHCP fan and I think the whole idea is a bit stupid and would rather go the route and give the kid a more normal name that we can both agree on and I can look proudly at my son every day and be happy that he wasnt named after another rock icon.

All that aside, the name Michael also is the name of one of her ex boyfriends that I never particularly cared for or had any real friendship with because i always thought this dude was a joke and when I did hear about her involvement with him I actually got a bit dumbfounded on her choice on men. Im not saying Im the cream of the crop by any means but I really just thought that she is way better than this guy and judging by what I know of him hes really just another guy trying get some panties dropped. I know all this because we all have worked together at the same company for a few years and he just always seemed to be a bit of a douch bag and I know I wasnt the only one who thought this.

I had mentioned this to her and she thinks its a cop out of an answer to get me to change her mind about the naming process because she was dead set on this. Am I out of line to go a more traditional route and give the kid a proper name? Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to name my kid after her ex, whom I still to this day would rather never speak his name in my household for as long as we both live. This isnt our first child for each of us and maybe not the last but I would really hate to make the ultimate mistake and give my kid a wack name that I would regret for the rest of my life.

Two things pop out here
1)I mean this in the least offensive way possible but your girl sounds like a pretty huge cornball. I mean, listen, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a famous fucking band but…come on…Jesus christ. This is like when people get a tattoo of a band on their arm except, instead of ink on skin it’s a full human being. Perhaps , I’d suggest you play her this song and it might give her a little perspective on the RHCP
http://rhcp2014.com/
2) Let’s not pretend that Michael isn’t an EXTREMELY normal name. It’s not like she wants to name him “Flea” or “The guy Michael I used to fuck”. So, your argument for a “normal name” doesn’t really make sense. That said, you are the father and should have as much say in naming your kid as your wife. Well, maybe not as much say…all you did was dump a load in her nine months ago. She did all the heavy lifting. Still, you should certainly have a voice.

There are so many elements of this that make me think you have a shitty fiance that it’s kinda hard to wrap my head around. Sure, Michael is one of the most common names ever but if you’re really set on not naming you own child that, how can she really deny you? You have legit reasons. If she was a reasonable person she would see that , perhaps, meeting you half way on this one would be the logical step. Who gets dead set on naming their kid after a red hot chile pepper to the point where it’s a matter of distress with their other half? It’s played out to say but compromise is one of the most crucial parts of a healthy relationship. If she can’t accept that then she needs to grow up…and stop listening to shitty music as well.

Hey there Dr. Tony. I’ve got a pretty weird situation here and I’m wondering what should be done.

For about 3 years, I had a mad crush on this guy we’re going to call Alex. We’re both artists, and from day one when he showed his self-portraits to the class, I was impressed with him. Impressed turned into smitten, and smitten turned into “determined to date”. We had a lot of common interests and I appreciated his feedback with art and his taste in film/music. Unfortunately, Alex was also an asshole and never did a nice thing for me in my life (except maybe his ability to pinpoint every vulnerability I had helped me to grow a thicker skin and value myself over the opinions of others– but that isn’t exactly “nice”).

But I recently found somebody who has all of Alex’s great qualities. The sharp mind, the artistic talent, a great eye for aesthetics, appealing taste in good film… the list goes on! We could talk for hours if he wasn’t so busy with work. Let’s call him Stan. Stan and I had lunch a while back that was amazing and he said he really wanted to see me again soon.

Now, the problem here is that Stan is Alex’s older brother.

We really hit it off. He’s exactly what I crave in a partner: creatively and intellectually stimulating. I got the feeling he was interested in spending more time with me whenever it’s next possible, we cure each others boredom. There’s amazing potential here, but I’m worried about his asshole brother Alex. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a big fuss over me going for his brother.
The next issue is that Stan is being promoted to work on the west coast. Should I even bother investing myself in this if he’s just going to move across the country (we’re in the midwest) within the next year? Or is this something we’ll have to set aside for a few years down the line? I just worry about missing the opportunity.

First off, as much as you respect Alex’s mind and art, who gives a fuck what he thinks about when it comes to who you date? unless you two have a sexual/dating history together, he holds no ties with you. Hell, even if you drunkly fucked a few times, he has no ownership over you whatsoever. From the sound of it, he wasn’t interested in the first place and he’s kind of a self absorbed prick (typical artist , btw). So, if you wanna date his nicer, equally stimulating brother, hop on that.
Secondly, I’m always gonna be anti-long distance relationship. I think it’s simply too hard for most couples to get through. ESPECIALLY new couples. So, realistically, it’s probably not a great idea to get involved. That said, you could just say fuck it and see what happens. For all you know, it could just be a fun fling. You don’t need to start worrying about the relationship just yet. That’s one of those “cross the bridge when we get there” problems. So, I’d say go with what you feel but don’t lose sight that there’s a strong possibility it won’t work out for logistical reasons.

Hey Dr. T,

I’ve been dating this girl for a little over a year now and everything has gone great in terms of the relationship; I still love her to death, she is way in to me, the sex is good, meeting parents, etc. So everything is great in my relationship and there are times where I catch myself slipping and thinking about a future with her. That being said, I am twenty fucking one years old, and while I don’t necessarily want to go out and throw my dick at everything that moves, I feel at the same time like there are maybe ten (?) more years in my life where I can adventure with relationships and sex and be care free about any sort of long term commitment. So I guess what I’m asking is, is it worth it to break up a great relationship just because I think it is limiting my social potential?

Man, this is a tough one. Thing is, everyone is wired differently. Personally, I would never have been able to settle down at 21. Too many experiences out there to throw it all away over young love. I’m a strong proponent of people not dating seriously till after, like, 25. But that’s me…there are other dudes out there who don’t have those leanings. Guys who genuinely just fall in love with the girl of their dreams at the age of 20 and never look back. I take my hat off to those dudes…I also think they’re insane but, hey, that’s why we’re different.
But let’s be real, 21 is young. You may be an adult when you’re 21 but you’re really not there yet. In many ways, your head is still soft on the top.

So, the question for you is really what type of dude are you? You love this girl. Things are great. That’s swell. But, 9 years down the line, do you think you’ll feel the same way? I’m not baiting here…I’m asking that honestly. If you have an inkling that you are the type of guy who will look back on your youth regretting not getting to live life as a single guy in his 20’s, then I’d advise not settling down. But if you’re a guy who feels more comfortable in a relationship, then go for it. And don’t forget, this works both ways. You may be fiending for new ass a few years from now but, guess what? So will she. It’s human nature. The only thing stopping us from fucking everyone else are the basic rules of decency and centuries of blindly followed tradition.
So, I’d say , if you’re happy, roll with it. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re so young that it’s not even a factor yet. Wait till you’re 5 years deep in your relationship before you start worrying about any of this.

I’ve never had sex and have just gotten together with a girl for the first time. What method of birth control do you prefer? I keep hearing condoms suck, and the side effects for the pills look kind of shitty. Are there any things I should know about sex technique before having it or does it just come naturally?

Oh man…I’m the wrong guy to ask about this. When I was single, the prime ways of birth control were condoms, hoping the girl was on the pill or pulling out and crossing my fingers. Well, I had no kids or diseases so Hooray!
But, lucky for you, you’re probably less of a piece of shit than I was so I’d say roll with condoms for now. For two reasons:
1)They’re easy to use and you can control your own usage of them. No relying on the word of another person.
2)because you’re a virgin, you need all the help you can get. You’re gonna bust your nut so quickly the first few times, it’s gonna seem like sex is impossible. With a condom on, it lessens the sensitivity and that may help prolong your experience. It’s like training wheels for your dick, in that sense. You’re not ready for that raw dawg life…that is for certain. To be clear, yes, condoms do suck. But , considering where you’re at now, you won’t know the difference. You tell a kid who just got his first hand job that hand jobs suck, he’ll look at you like a crazy cause he’s never gotten head before. We learn and get more refined as we go.
As far as technique, penis goes in, penis goes out. There’s no one thing I can tell you that will make you a great lover. All I can say is pay attention to the person you’re having sex with. Read their cues. If you want to make it a pleasurable experience for both of you, that’s important. It’s similar to having a good conversation with someone. Pacing and timing are crucial but paying attention is the key. Also, learn about vaginas. Clits, bro, clits.