Ask Dr. Tony vol. 14

There comes a time in all of our lives when we need answers. If those answers are pertaining to matters of the heart, you could ask a friend and close family member or even a professional…but what do they really know? No, in these situations, the best person to ask for straight forward advice is obviously a niche hip hop producer with a blog. Why? Cause I don’t know you. I’m not gonna sugar coat it and tell you everything is going to be okay. So, if you have any questions of the heart, send them my way
( phatfriendblog@gmail.com )
, and I will be happy to answer them for you. It’s all anonymous and no one gets hurt.
So, with that, let’s go fix some lives…

Dr. Tony, was reading your blog & decided what the hell, I need some advise. I was really interested in this one girl from my school. She loves hip hop (listens to DITC, EPMD, Wu, etc., hates pop music), DJs, artistic, athletic & down to earth. We’re both around the same age as well. Out of all the girls I dealt with, she was the coolest. It was like looking at a female version of me, shit, we even cussed the same. Met her at a friend’s house jam while she was playing Sean Price, so it was a given. Friends who were there, saw the interaction & said that there was a definite chemistry between us (verbal & physical interactions & all).

After that, we gradually talked like every other day, chilled from time to time, shared music, etc. I know she was feeling me, but wasn’t sure to what extent. Personality-wise, she’s very defensive (i.e. would call guys that would try to hit on her “bitches”) but she would open up to me about her family, background, etc (we’re both from different ethnicities). It got to a point where I wanted to tell her what was up but never found the chance to say it, but I had a feeling she knew. For the record, I didn’t do any “nice guy” shit, I always kept it flirtatious & interesting from time to time, also came to a point where I palmed her ass at a formal & she playfully cussed me off (tangent – gotdamn that ass was fine).

Fast forward to one fateful event, she gave me a blue balled night after telling me to come with her to an EPMD concert (wasn’t the biggest fan too). I thought it’d be a night of alone time with her but…she brought her boys with her & to make matters worst, EPMD’s flight was cancelled. I ended up drinking with some of my boys in a bar while she drove away with her entourage. I was upset & indirectly showed it when she tried talking to me thru text to apologize for the night. She eventually made things up by asking me to go to the BCC concert with her later on…she only brought her sister (also a cool girl). But I know I had to get things over with. We went out for coffee some time after that & I finally let her know I liked her. Long story short, she never gave a direct answer to moving things forward with me or moving me to the friend zone. She said something like “I’m not the type of person to tell someone to make them feel falsely good or falsely bad”.

We still talk, but on a neutral basis & pretty much, I moved on. Hope you read my story but I just wanted to give you the details for this situation. Was I f-zoned like Vast Aire? Should I have moved faster? What would you have done?

Oh, you were friend zoned alright. Friend zoned like a motherfucker. I can relate to this so much it makes my stomach hurt. You basically described my entire senior year of high school (minus the “going to hip hop shows with girls”, which is a total nightmare. Also, do you live in 1993? Where are all these old hip hop shows happening?). Now, your question is if you should have acted sooner? Obviously. You did the honorable thing in getting to know her better but there’s a good chance that your window of attractiveness to her closed fairly early. Like, you had a moment where it could of happened, it didn’t and she was like “Oh well, fuck it…NOW WE’RE JUST FRIENDS.”
Also, judging from you description of her, she sounds like a pretty hard nut to crack. OR she’s insecure and goes out of her way to come off a non-girlish as possible. I’ve known tons of girls like this and they always have tons of male friends, most of whom wanna hit it. So, instead of just picking one she likes from that group of male friends, she keeps them all at arms length and ends up hooking up with random types of guys who are nothing like her immediate friend circle. I don’t blame that way of thinking though cause , as we all know, you shouldn’t shit where you eat.
I think this is one of those situation that you just chalk up to bad timing on your part. It’s not your fault. You did the good guy thing, she just wasn’t a good guy type of girl. I mean, it would seem she looks at any respectful and sensitive male act as bitchassedness. Who knows, she may have a change of heart down the line after she makes a few mistakes. But, one thing I’d advise against is acting like a salty bitch about it. Don’t pressure her. Don’t get frustrated and say some dumb shit. Just let it be. She doesn’t sound like the type of girl that is trying to hear that sensitive, passive aggressive type of shit from a man, so ease back and just see what happens. In the meantime, fuck bitches and get money.

Yo Block im in a tough situation im in love with this girl she calls me her ‘bff’ anyways im in love with her and cannot stop thinking about her but i know she doesnt feel the same way cause she tells me who shes fucking, dating, etc. Shes the only girl i like cause all the ones i know are straight grimey and i dont want to waste time on meeting a new girl. I’ve known this girl for about 4 years and i think she’s the one for me but i am friend zoned!!!! What do i do? Sometimes i just wanna stop talking to her completely cause its very frustrating being friend zoned. I try and move on and talk to other girls but i just cant cause they are grime but i would appreciate your insight on this horrible and unfortunate event.

This is an extension of the first question concerning being “Friend zoned”. I’m afraid there is no definitive way out of the friend zone. Dudes get friend zoned for multiple reasons: Being too nice. Not being attractive to the girl. To seeming sexual to them. Being “brotherly”.
Whatever the reason, it’s beyond your power to change it. THE ONLY thing I’ve seen work is when the dude in the friend zone simply stops giving a fuck. When the dude just loses interest in the girl, stops calling and moves on, he somehow becomes more attractive to the girl. Keep in mind, this is not the norm and, in many cases, the girl will not give a shit either way. But, if there was ever a chance for a spark, that indifference somehow seems to ignite it. Like i said in the above question, the worst thing a dude can do, when friend zoned, is to get pissy about it. Acting childish isn’t helping anyone and it just makes you look pathetic. So don’t do that. You could either just ride it out and hope she has a change of heart at some point in her life (which she probably won’t), you can totally cut her off like a scorned little bitch-ass (which I honestly don’t see that big a problem with in the long run) or you could just move her down on your priority list.
The last one is most devious in the sense that, assuming you guys are actually friends, you’re toying with that whole relationship. But if you’re a “by any mean necessary” kinda dude, then being aloof might be the answer. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t give a fuck and you move on regardless. WINNERS!

My girlfriend’s breath started stinking recently. We’ve been going out for a while so it’s not like i’m going to break up with her because of it. How do I go about telling her to change up the game without making it seem obvious that her breath is stank?

Listen, there are nice and mean ways to say things. If your girl’s mouth smells like a homeless persons underwear, you gotta just approach the subject carefully. Phrasing is key. Don’t attack her like she’s purposely doing something wrong. Just calmly approach the subject like an adult. I gotta think she’s aware on some level. If you wanna be coy about it, simply just offer her gum constantly. Does she smoke cigarettes? Is she bulimic? Does she only eat garlic based foods? Perhaps she has acid reflux? Whatever the source of this funk, try and figure it out and nip it in the bud. Not being able to kiss your significant other cause they’re breath might melt your teeth is a deal breaker…so if you wanna fix the situation, just approach it tenderly.

Yo, if you see a friend’s gf in a porno you should definitely just keep your mouth shut right?

Damn…I mean…I dunno if i could keep something like that to myself. Assuming you know for sure your friend is in the dark, this is one of those tread lightly situations. It also would be good if you can find out when the porn was made. It would certainly lessen the blow if it were before him.
If you feel like you should tell him but don’t want to be the fall guy you could always anonymously mail him the dvd or make a fake email address and email him the clip. Sure, it’ll be brutal for him but I feel like that’s something you might wanna know if you’re gonna get serious with a girl.
For all you know he’s aware of it and jerks off to it all the time.

The other option would be to just stay the fuck out of it and quietly judge her every time you see her. That’s always a fun way to go about anything.

my ex and i went thru a dramatic breakup in late Jan and he ended up leaving me for another girl. he asked me to stay his best friend and i told him to fuck off.
zero contact since then, but a lil over a week ago he randomly msg’d me saying that he missed me and that i should text him. i told him that i didn’t think that was such a good idea.
i dunno anything about his life right now so idk why he would have done that. i kinda feel like texting him but that would prolly just bring all of my feelings back and idk if he is still with that other girl.
why would he have randomly msg’d me like that? should i just stay away?

Stay away. Stay faaaaaaaar away. I don’t know what his angle is but it can’t be anything good. Here’s the facts:
He left you for another girl.
He tried to keep you in his back pocket with that “let’s stay friends” bullshit.

Now he’s back on some “I miss you shit” and this can mean a few things.
1)Him and the girl he left you for is not panning out like he thought it would so he went back to what he knows.
2) Things with the other girl are okay but he wants to keep you roped in just in case , so he reached out to you just to make sure his barbs are still attached. This kinda thing can go on forever cause dudes are very territorial when it comes to ex girlfriend. In our minds, we like to think, if it came down to it, we could always get back our ex’s and , if not that, at least we wanna know they still pine for us on some level. It’s some ego-maniacal shit but lots of dudes think like that.
3) Things are great with the new girl and he’s just one of those cheating types and knows you’re an easy mark cause of the strong feelings you had for him.
4)Things are totally over with the new girl and he’s lonely.

There are no other reasons. He’s not reaching out cause he’s a good guy or cause he cares about how you’re doing. The fact that he misses you (which could be both true or bullshit) is just his way back in. DO NOT do it. He left you once, you think he won’t do it again? A wise man once said ” A man is only as loyal as his options”. Now, that quote is not totally true (as there are some good guys on the planet) but in the case of the guys who dumps you for another girl , tells you to stay friends and then pops back up mysteriously, that shit is the truth.

Stay away. He’ll just pick up and leave again when something new comes around and you’ll be fucked over twice.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 13


What’s up everyone.
Here’s another installment of the best advice you could ever ask for. I’ll be honest…I’ll try to not to flower shit up too much cause life simply isn’t black and white. I also have no background or education in this sort of thing so, you know, take it all with a grain of salt. I mean, if you’re really basing serious life choices on my opinion, you got problems beyond anything I can fix.
ANYHOO, Send me more questions like this to my email: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or in the comments below. Despite what I wrote above, i think i do give decent perspective and, really, I’m here to help…

Dr. Tony,

I have a problem you might not’ve encountered in a number of years. I’m 19, in my first year of college. Like any fresh-out-of-highschooler, i was disappointed when college turned out not to be the nonstop fuckfest that we all thought it would be. Fast forward one semester and I’m still a virgin, though i’ve gotten a BJ/HJ here or there. ANYWHO, I ask out this asian girl that I’ve gone on a few dates with, and we start to date. So we’re going out for about a month, and she’s gone down on me a few times, and all is well, yet every time we get “intimate”, I notice that she WON’T take her shirt of (she says she’s ‘self conscious’), and she WON’T let me do anything to her. Finally I decide to skip the hurdles and go straight for the finish line. Needless to say, I get completely rejected (we’re talking Tyson Chandler rejection). She tells me that, and I quote, she “wants to lose her virginity to the man she’s going to marry”. Keep in mind that she isn’t zealously religious at all. At this point it’s taking every ounce of my spirit to a.) stifle laughter at such a naive statement and b.) resist the urge to get up, walk out, and never return. I assure her that it’s o.k., because it’s not like i’m going to tell her off for not bending to my penis’ will, but this is where the problem lies. Wanting to keep your v-card was understandable in the early years of high school, but WE’RE 19 FUCKING YEARS OLD. I really like this girl, but she’s obviously not the girl I’m going to marry, so I mean what’s the point if not to get through this year together and occasionally fool around? I don’t want to break up with her over something so petty, but is this a legitimate dealbreaker, if her values and mine clash at such a personal level? Or could this be her way of making me work harder for it? This all happened last night, so it’s a bit of an emergency here doc. Any advice/perspective would be awesome.

Sounds to me like she wants a commitment and holding out on vaginal entrance is how she plans to get it. Virgins, both male and female, often have skewed view of the importance of sex. They put it on a pedestal cause they don’t “Get it”. Sure, some stick to their guns after they’ve had it but, in most cases, they realize that sex is fun and why stop yourself from having fun? This same girl may be fucking 4 guys a month within 3 years. You never know.

Also, 19 is pretty young. So it’s understandable that she might still have these values and take this kinda shit very seriously. Sure, most people lose their V-card by then but some girls are gonna wanna hold on to it. In your case, this all depends on how long you wanna wait and how big of a scum bag you wanna be about it.
here are your options as i see them:
1)Tell her you appreciate her honesty and respect her choice but that this isn’t gonna work for you , as you a 19 year old male virgin who doesn’t want to remain a virgin until he’s in love.
2)Lie to her and say everything she wants to hear , date her and shit until she lets you hit it. Then , once you hit it, you can either keep hitting it and getting in deeper into this terrible lie or back off, leaving her feeling like complete shit and regretting every decision she’s ever made. (this is all assuming she actually likes you, which I don’t know if I’m even sold on. This could be one of those situations where she’s just gassing you up, but if the right dude came along, she’d fuck him immediately. You never know)
3)Settle in for the long haul and wife her. You’ll eventually get the sex. I don’t recommend this one at all though, cause you’re 19.

Basically, I’d say you need to break up with her nicely cause you’re head is obviously looking for sex and her head is elsewhere. There will be more pussy in your life. I promise. If you can get one blow job, you can get ten. Be patient. Girls don’t like pushy/desperate virgins. Play it cool and the vagina will find it way to you.

He’s the story. I met this girl at a party few months ago. Didn’t pay any attention to her, even found her stupid (and still do). I was talking to with people and she’s been around for a while, listening to the conversation but not talking much. The thing is that 4 or 5 times she had intense sights to me that I still don’t explain. Didn’t pay much attention to that at the moment, but I noticed.
One thing I have to tell is that the only acquaintane we have in common is pretty much of a douchebag I don’t like.
Few weeks later we met again and that time we talked for hours. She seemed interessed and amused by what I said, and we had lots of interests in common. In fact she didn’t talked that much, but a good listener. I didn’t find her smart or anything but I was drunk and she seemed to like listening to my bullshit.
I had to leave the party and sais bye, at that moment she seemed sad to see me leaving. She looked like a kid seeing his lovy puppy go away, sincerely. That’s when I had that feeling I still don’t explain. Few hours I was thinking of her… a lot !
Sometimes I think I’m a fool and that I misinterpret “signs”… sometimes I think there’s something.
I randomly ran into her in the street few weeks ago. She saw me but acted like she didn’t (brief eye contact and fast head turn, you know what i mean).
I eventually texted her to get some news with no response.
Now here I am, going nowhere, couldn’t be more happy than getting her out of my mind. And I’m pretty sure that if I’d got her, I’d have dumped her.
If only eternal sunshine of the spotless man was not fiction, I’d not write you…

So, what to do ?

You do nothing. Your interest in her is based 100% on conquest and ego due to the fact she kinda blew you off. There was a definite window there and you didn’t take it, so it’s gone now. That doesn’t mean the window is forever shut (perhaps she’s got a man now or something) but who really cares? A girl you kinda sorta wanted to fuck and discard didn’t call you back…get over it.

In a healthy relationship, what percentage of importance would you give to emotional vs. physical attraction? (100% emotional being in the deep friendzone and 100% physical being fuckbuddies)

I think that depends on the couple. I’ve seen couples who are 85% sexually driven who’s relationships are horror movies but they stay together for like 4 years cause the sex keeps them there. At the same time, I’ve seen people who basically become best friends and the sex vanishes but they end up getting married.

I look at this way…sex is important. But actually getting along with the person you’re committed to is even more important. This is a person you have to be able to communicate with, hang out with, joke around with, make life decisions with…The fucking is just one aspect. I’d say anywhere between 70%-60% of it should be friendship. Cause,eventually, the sex is gonna wane and then what do you have? That’s why you see old ass couple shuffling down the street hand in hand. It’s not cause they’re still fucking…it’s cause they’re each others best friends.
It’s also the reason I advise people to stay single for as long as possible. Get all your fucking out of the way so, when it’s tim to settle down, your dick/vagina isn’t clouding your judgement as far as what kinda partner you choose.

Dr. Tony,

This might be a little different from your regular “should I hit it or not?” questions…

I work an office job. I met this girl (Girl 1) at work, and have known her for about 4 years now. I used to consider her a “friend”, even though I kept it strictly work-only. When we met, she let on right away that she was interested, and used to drop hints for me to ask her out. She started to creep me out though, because she seemed really needy, and I could tell that she was stalking me on Myspace, from some conversations we had. So I would always come up with an excuse not to hang out. I never found her even remotely bonerable either. She is about 12 years older than me, one of those holier-than-thou vegetarian, hybrid car types, and overweight. (I know that makes me sound like an asshole, but I usually go for short, thick girls).

2 years after we met… She started dating some guy from work. I was happy that she was off my nuts, and everything was good. One day, on my lunch break, I was pulling through a drive-thru, and I see dude walking into the restaurant with a different girl (Girl 2) from work. They see me, I see them, and I don’t give a shit. I went back to work, and Girl 1 confronts me about it, asking “did you see my boyfriend in the parking lot with Girl 2 at that restaurant?” It turns out, she was spying on them the whole time, hiding in the bushes. She was too ashamed to admit that she was spying, so she wanted to use me as an excuse, in order to call out her boyfriend. I told her “I don’t think so…My visions bad…I can’t see too well”. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in some bullshit with 3 coworkers.

2 years later… She is still dating the same guy. She just got one of her coworkers fired, because he “wasn’t a team player”, and she has been bragging about it. I took that guys old job, because it was a good raise, but now I have to work on a small team with her. Ever since I refused to rat out her boyfriend, she has been a complete bitch. She ignores me if I say “hi”. She refuses to acknowledge most work-related things I say, except to correct me, or call out my mistakes in public, especially in front of Management. She is holding a grudge against me, and I think she will jump at an opportunity to get me fired next.

Blockhead, how do you put bitches in their place? Can I make some sort of peace offering to this animal, or is there a better angle to play?

Man…that sucks. She sounds like a disaster of a person. I’m always very fearful of people who let pettiness dictate their lives.
I think you’ve played everything right thus far. Not snitching about that dude was a good play cause, hey, it’s none of your business.
I think the best thing you can do is play it cool. Kill her with kindness. I’m not saying flirt with her but I’m also saying to soften up your vibe around her. I realize she’s being the irrational cunt here but I’m afriad that’s just how irrational cunts are. Eventually, if your nice enough she’ll have no choice but to at least be somewhat pleasant back.
So, while you’re doing this, you might also wanna collect evidence of her behavior. If she does something unprofessional, write it down. That bragging about getting the dude fired would be a prime example…that’s some fucked up shit and the fact she’s dumb enough to publicly vocalize that she did it leads me to believe she’s a fucking idiot who probably spills all sorts of beans…probably cause she’s insecure, but with power. A dangerous combo if there ever was one.
So, yeah, just watch your own back and create a little file to defend yourself with if that time ever comes. Hell, throwing in her making “advances” at you can’t hurt either. If she’s a shitty as you make her sound, I’m sure other people in the office would have your back.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 12


Good day everyone. Back again with that ill advised, yet strangely on point guidance that you crave. As always, I’m not a doctor…nor do I play one on TV. I’m just a guy who gives decent advice and isn’t scared about being a little harsh cause, well, I don’t know you people.
Anyway, send me more questions! Love life a mess? Holler. Is your man a piece of shit? Holler. Is your girl maybe a lesbian? Holler
send questions to: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
Let’s start this one off with one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever gotten…

Yo Doc,

So I live with my girl and her friend (female) they both have yeast infections, at the same time. Do you think they’re boning the same dude, does that sound far fetched (i’m not boning the friend-honest to god)

Wow.
I’m not an actual doctor but I’m pretty sure yeast infections aren’t only caused by sex. So, no. I don’t think they’re boning the same dude. I do think they’re putting the wrong kind of bread in their pussies though. My guess would be they’re using some cheap wonderbread type brand when, really, they should just pony up for a nice french baguette. Have some pride, ladies.

I was with this amazing girl about 6 or 7 months back, we were
together for about a year. She was really into me and I, like most
men, just bottled up those things called emotions and feelings. The
last time we saw each other is when she showed up to me house at
around 3.30 – 4 am the night before I was heading out into the field
for 5 weeks. We had an argument which resulted with me kicking her out
of my house and than trying to call her the next day as i was heading
to the study area before the cell signal died. Between that time and
now I have been in a real deep rut, depression and all which existed
prior to meeting her came back. well anyways, over the last couple of
months we have been talking again and I would like to get her back but
don’t rightly know how too seeing as I am on one side of the world and
she lives on the other. She says she still cares deeply for me, and i
know that for a fact because she is an honest person which is why she
was good for me, that and she was helping me over come my depression.
So, Doctor Tony, what do i do? do i go after her and make a jackass
out of myself or just continue with how things are now?

Seeing that you’re on the other side of the world, it’s a tough call. I don’t know how long you’re gonna be there and if you’re planning on coming home but, if you are, I’d say the best thing for you to do is just stay on good terms with her, let her know your intentions for when you return and just hope she’s still available once you get back. Trying to lock her down from across the world isn’t really fair and , in many cases, would lead to all sorts of insecurities. You said she’s a good girl, so I’m assuming she’s not the type who’s fucking a football team right now but still…that kinda distance can be as much of a mind fuck as the actual relationship.
All that said, if you stay in touch with her, keep it cool and go home, by all means go hard for her.
One thing I would warn you of is that, often, when we are separated from a girl for a long time and lonely/sad we sometimes make a fantasy version of her in our heads. It’s as if we forget all the things she used to do that were terrible and only remember the great parts. It’s an idealized version of the person we knew under different circumstances. I don’t know if this is the case at all with you but, you know, just be aware of that. Cause, if it is, you could be coming back with wifing her up on your mind and then a week in be like “Oh man, I forgot what a fucking moron this girl was…”.

how long do you wait and what do you do with all of the shit an ex with lotsa history with you gave you? some of the shit is nice, like an external hard drive and speakers.

and, if an ex says he wants to remain your best friend, how do you approach that? do you tell him to go fuck himself or does the “exes turn to best friends” strategy work sometimes? i honestly don’t even wanna see his face right now.

That’s really on you. I’d imagine , if you did the dumping, that kind of sentimental stuff really isn’t holding you down. But, if you got dumped, it’s a constant reminder of how you got thrown away. SO, if you got dumped, I’d just throw all that shit in a box and bury it somewhere in your house where you don’t have to see it all the time. There might come a time when you might actually look back fondly on some aspects of the relationship or even a time when you can laugh about how dumb that guy was…and those things might be fun to have around. And don’t be a dickhead and throw out speakers or a hard drive.
As for the “Stay friends” shit…I’m afraid that something guys just say to soften the blow. It doesn’t mean he DOESN’T wanna be friends, it just means he wants things to be cordial if you ever run into each other or if you guy hang is a similar crowd.
OR it could mean he’s a piece of shit who’s trying to somehow open the doors to maybe have random sex with you down the line. It could really go either way.
The ex’s to friends thing is possible…but it’s rare. Ideally, I think we wanna be on cool terms with all of our ex’s but that’s it. We break up with people for a reason. If they remain in your life in a major way, I can see a lot of complications coming from that. But, hey, it’s possible…just unlikely.

I’ve been wondering this, but I am always way to uncaring to look the shit up, so since I’m here….. Whats heavy petting mean?

Heavy petting is what your parents did at the drive in , in the back seat of their dads ford model T.
Heavy petting is just intense making out. Like a long make out sessions. It can involve titty touching and maybe some over the pants genital rubbing. I’d say the line between heavy petting and something more is crossed when either a dick is released into the air or when a fingers is touching the bare skin of a vagina.
So, you know, using the base system, it’s somewhere between a double and a triple.
But, seriously, who on earth calls it that anymore? It’s like “necking”. Gross.

During this last fall semester in college I had to take a science class so I could graduate that year. In that class there was a girl I thought was extremely cute, but never really talked to her. She would always smile at me in class and say hi, so I knew she was into me. I waited until the last day of class to get her name and number. She was excited I talked to her and a couple of days later she texted me at like 12am asking me to come hang out at her dorm. So I picked her up at her friend’s apartment where she had been drinking. We went back to her dorm and had great sex. We even went twice in morning, trying not to wake up her roommate in the next room. The next day we had breakfast and then she went back home for Winter break. I texted her a few times over the break, but no real conversations. A couple of days after she gets back I texted her but got no response. A week later I texted her again, but got no response again. Is she threw with me? Was I just a hit and run? Its weird being on the other side of this dilemma as a guy…

This could be a few things:
a) She was on and off with a dude when you hooked up. Since winter break she got back with him and would rather have no contact with anyone cause she’s definitively with this guy.
b)That night and morning of passion wasn’t all that and she’s not into it. You never know. you coulda said or done something creepy that rubbed her the wrong way and, upon later reflection, she wanted nothing to do with you.
c)You knocked her up and she’d rather raise the baby without a father than with the guy who blew a load in her on a one off during college.
d)You were just something fun for her to do once. I mean, shit, men do that shit all the time. I’m sure women have those same moments as well. Kind of a “Get it out of your system” fuck. Sounds like she got what she wanted, had fun and moved on.
e)You gave her some shit and she’s furious.

All this said, it is weird that she’s not contacting you AT ALL. That’s just basic rules of engagement. Because of that, my money is on A or D being the real reason.
But, whatever dude…cest le vie. You’re in college. I’m sure there’s no shortage of sexual partners there.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol 11 (W/ Special female point of view)


Let’s try something different. This is an experiment. Normally, this is where I single handed dole out advice to my readers concerning their failing love lives/over acting hormones. Now, that’s all good and shit but I understand, sometimes you need to give a different perspective. For this, I bought in my buddy Regan to give a feminine take on this weeks questions. Now, Regan isn’t your typical girl. in fact, she think more like a man than a lot of dudes I know but still, she has a vagina so it counts.
I purposely have no read her answers before writing mine. If they’re super similar, that’s why. However, I have a strange feeling heer answers are gonna be more harsh than mine…But that’s part of the fun I suppose.
As always, send me more questions of the intimate nature to phatfriendblog@gmail.com. I’m here to help. Now…let the experiment begin!

Question 1:
SO the story goes something like, i work at a record store and in my city there is 3 of this chain of record store, if the staff are competent(i am) then they work at multiple stores. so i would occasionally work with this girl at her “home” store and i always thought she was cool but didnt think to do anything about it cause im not that confident. anyways, some things moved around and she is now the manager and i am the assistant manager at the same store. after about 2-3 weeks of working together everyday i had it bad. we would flirt at work constantly and hang out occasionally outside of work. one night after hanging out she texted me and asked if i liked her, i really wanted to play it cool but i figured since she had her suspicions i would get it out. so i spilt my guts without being to over bearing, she said she was really flattered but things couldnt work out because of the current situation. meaning we work together and she just broke up with her dead beat boyfriend. now in no way did i want to be a rebound so thats fine. i just dont know where to go from here i really like her alot, more than i have liked a girl in a long long time. and on top of everything she said she use to have a huge crush on me before we started working together full time a year or so ago. the problem im having is i see her everyday so i never get the chance to get it out of my system, i just like her more and more everyday. and people we work with tell me its obvious she likes me or feels something for me too. so please help dr.tony cause im fucking lost on this.

Dr. Tony:
I gotta say, it would seem like she does in fact like you. Perhaps she likes you too much and doesn’t want you to be a rebound guy? I dunno…but what kind of asshole would flat out ask someone if they like them, if they themselves had no interest in that person? Basically, she’s either an ego maniac in need of an emotional refillor she’s feeling you.
My advice would be to play it cool but, when you get a chance, get drunk with her and see what happens. Getting drunk always loosens the inhibitions and, if she’s actually into it, she won’t be able to say no. If she does say no, you’re saving yourself time and effort on a girl who’s most likely a dipshit.
Also, I’d warn you against being so nice about it. I mean, don’t be a dick but there’s a chance she’s using you as an emotional tampon cause she knows she’s got that power over you. That’s the type of thing a girl can hold over your head forever if you let her and you’ll be stuck in the friendzone until you’re at her wedding. Just be careful about that.

Dr. Regan:
Ugh. This is how a nice guy becomes a womanizer.
Here’s the thing: nine times out of ten, when a girl gets done in by some douchebag, the first thing she is going to do is gravitate to any passing attraction that happens to be in her orbit. Its ointment. if she wasn’t 100% sure of your feelings…likely because your shyness made you appear aloof, out of her own need to feel pretty/desired/better she gave you just enough to get you to validate her, and bugged out when she realized your feelings were more than she was prepared to return.
I also think that, if you are a guy that operates more from emotions than the biological imperative to answer to your boner, you are going to be keenly aware of how chuckleheaded most girls are, and when you find one that is somewhat less so, she gets placed on a pedestal on which she hasn’t proved herself worthy to stand.
That said, the verbal diarreah love declaration only works in movies. In reality, it freaks most people out. Perhaps this was just the universe trying to teach you that lesson. I am not so hardened as to not think its sweet. Its good to have an open heart, but stupid, self-hatey bitches will leave you with a bleeding one. When the weird dopamine rush of romantic torment wears away, and you actually see that for what it was. (and, likely, how annoying she actually is on a day to day basis) you are going to wonder what in the living hell you were thinking. Furthermore, when you actually meet someone and it clicks, and you realize its supposed to be easy, you will never put yourself through this bullshit again. Not to sound like the biggest misogynist to ever own a vagina BUT She is a chick, at the end of the day, the world is full of them…maybe even one or two that are actually worth your affection.

me and this girl never met and i already know she likes me from a different source, how should i go about having sex with her no strings attached?

Dr. Tony: I’m gonna overlook the “Never met” part cause I don’t even know how that works. Like, if you’ve never spoken how does she “like” you? I think that means she’s attracted to you, in which case all this is moot cause that sexual attraction off the bat and fucking is first and foremost in that situation.
So, for fun, let’s pretend that you actually know her a little as I’m sure plenty of dudes can relate to this situation.
This is a highly delicate situation and it will definitely not end well…but there are things you can do to make this happen. Part of it depends on what kind of girl she is. If she’s the type who stands by her morals believes in a dating code, then it’s not happening. However, if she’s the type who thinks that she can change a guys mind by having sex with him over time, then you’ll get a few months out of it before both her and the situation blow p in your face.
BAsically, what you need to do is just be honest with her. Weird, right? Yeah…if you hook up with her and anything serious comes up, just say you’re not looking for anything serious. Depending on if she’s a girl a or girl b type, she’ll either leave or continue. If she continues, just keep being honest. She may like you but she also got ears and brain. Deep down, she assumes her pussy is special so , eventually, you’ll cave in and become her man. Assuming you won’t, she’ll eventually freak out and stop dealing with you. I hope you like crying! and yelling! and being told you’re an asshole! cause it’s coming.
So, if you’re willing to put up with that for a few months of casual sex with a girl who wants anything but casual sex, go for it.

Dr. Regan:
you don’t.
You’ve never met…but someone said she likes you? If she saw you in passng and couldn’t approach you, or worse, trolled your facebook through a friend and thought you were cute, I have to doubt that its just in a wanting your balls on her chin kind of way. Girls, in this day and age, who are straight down to fuck, come out and say it. Sex is easy enough for most girls to come by that if that’s all they are in for, they are not going to hide behind anyone else, or hesitate even a little to get it.
Now, you can be a total asshole, run some clever game, get her down on your dick and dis her, but as, you’ve never met her, you don’t know what kind of drama/bunny boiling/series of scrotal staph infections that might be inviting. She is a chick, see my answer to #1.

7-8 months ago i told u about this girl living far from me and if i should be patient and try and whatever… and u said i shouldn’t if i’m not not cause yeah, distance sucks.
i didn’t know what to do and i was just kinda taking it easy and waiting to see things clearly but knowing that it wasn’t a good idea and kinda over. whatever, she was writing me and saying that she wanted to see me and spend time with me.. etc. and suddenly stopped writing and i guessed she just met another guy. i’m sure of this even if i never asked her. the thing is that that’s totally ok, as we were not really together, it could have happened to me too. the thing is that she never explained and just started ignoring me. the fuck is this. that was like 3 or 4 months ago and it’s fine and i’ve been dating random girls too but i don’t know why i am so angry now and i feel like writing an e-mail and telling her that she is a bitch. i know it’s a bad idea but she deserves to hear that she is been fucking rude. i know too that everything wasn’t that serious as in the distance easy to misinterpret feelings, but being polite and clear to the person should be the most important, dude i started dating her in 2008 and now, although i’ve been with many other girls in the meantime, i feel like an idiot.

i know i’m being fucking random and childish but sometimes it’s just like this
sorry for my english too hey

Dr. Tony:
Honestly, dude, you gotta just take the loss on here. I’m sure if the tables were turned you’d do the same thing. I don’t think she stopped contacting you cause she thinks your a piece of shit. It’s more likely cause she’s either extremely wrapped up in the dude she’s seeing (lots of girls get blinders on when they fall in love) or she thinks talking to you about it will be awkward. Writing an angry letter about something like this is understandable but it’s always regrettable.
Maybe you’re pissed off cause she was the one who stepped away first? That would make sense. Whatever the case, it’s another fantastic example of why long distance relationships don’t work. My advice would be to walk it off and more on.

Dr. Regan:
you are angry because, for whatever reason there was more of a connection, sexual or otherwise, with her, than there has been with any of the girls who came after. Maybe you are also a little spun and insecure because now you have no way of confirming whether or not it was ever truly mutual. It hurts and it sucks when someone important peaces out with no explanation, but that is definitley more a factor of her not knowing how to deal with difficult situations than it is a measure of your importance in her life.
You put a lot of time and energy into her, and your pride has made you swallow your real feelings about it, and as such, it has festered and become insidious.
An email catalogue of her dumb-cuntyness may seem like  the thing that will sate that anger but trust me, all you’ll be doing is giving her a reason to spend a week having a “pay attention to me!” pity party. She will whip out her phone and read that shit to her friends every chance she gets, tell everyone her ex is psycho, parlay her guilt into feigned fear and offense while,deep down, loving that she had you that hung up.
She may respond, perhaps even apologetically, but it will never be what you are hoping for. You’ve been ruminating, she hasn’t. She didn’t give you an explanation because she probably didn’t have one. Sometimes people just don’t know what the fuck they want or what they are doing. Sometimes they just do whatever was easiest…in this case dating someone convienient to her and avoiding your reaction to it.
I would say write the email, get all your feelings out where they are tangible, and dont send it. Rant and rave as much as you would if she were reading it, but make it a draft and put it away. Come back to it in some months, and if you still feel that you need to address it, see the irrationality of that anger and find a way to say your peace that is articulate, calm, and effective without the need for her ever to respond.
If you do that, she very probably will.
-You know, or, like just date girls that hit all the benchmarks of her physical insecurities and plaster your facebook with their pictures, that way, when she inevitably stalks, she leaves sans a significant chunk of her self esteem…

…only to siphon it back out of some poor sucker who works at a record store….

A little more about Regan:
She hosts the Brooklyn Mutt Show which happens at the Brooklyn Lyceum March 23rd/24th
http://www.brooklynlyceum.com/ZPT/MORE?listingid=100273

Also, she is on facebook…and she’s not shy.
http://www.facebook.com/thehumantornadah\

Also, for a bonus round of me giving awesome advice to ladies, peep this article I did for Cultistzine.com
http://www.cultistzine.com/2012/02/02/ask-some-guy-blockhead/

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 10


Sup yall. The Doc is in. It’s a new year and people are still having problems figuring out what the fuck to do with their genitals. Well, I’m here to help.
Please send me more relationship type questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below. Mt door is always open. Ladies, where you at? This weeks questions are all from men. Let’s get some girl questions going. Those are usually more fun anyway.
Okay, let’s go…

Dr. Tony,
I have new girlfriend (official for four months), everything is great and we have been moving forward at a healthy pace physically and emotionally. Problem, she has been the doormat for the same dude over and over. He took her v-card in high school, they went to the same college, etc. They weren’t always in a relationship thru out the time they had this going b/c he has strolled into and out of her life at his own convenience since she was 17 (now 27) and has hurt her several times and she always went back like a wounded puppy. They are still “friends” and I know it has been a year since they hooked up the last time. They don’t see each other because he is in grad school in another city but they shoot text every now and then and talk on the phone every other month or so. She told me she is 100% done with him like that and to not worry, but I kind of want more reassurance. Since it is so new, should I press the issue or let it ride? Am I walking into a buzz saw? Your thoughts? Thanks man, I could use a little objective advice because I like her so much and I don’t want to rock the boat if I’m just over thinking it.

Man, this is a tough one. If I’m just going off what you wrote, I think you may be in trouble. It sounds like that guy is your girls first love. Most people have that one guy/girl who will always get in their head. He/she is always in the back of their mind. I wrote a blog about the “The light switch” a while back. It’s about how girls don’t ever really get over a dude the love until they finally decide to flick that switch. but when they do? It’s a wrap. It sounds to me that, if those two are still talking, she hasn’t flipped the switch yet. Meaning, that guy is still floating somewhere in the back of her head. Sure, she has genuine feelings for you but he’s still around. It’s the type of thing that can lead to her cheating with him and not even giving it a second thought cause she can rationalize it as it being with that guy and that guy only.

Now, as far as how you should approach this, I don’t think you really can. The more jealous and insecure you seem, the more likely she’ll be pushed towards thinking about the other guy, who very likely is aloof and cares a lot less about her than she does him. I think you gotta just ride it out. 4 months isn’t shit in terms of time together so you gotta get more time under your belt with her before you can really say shit about anything of that nature. If i were you, I’d just be hoping that other dude stays in school forever/moves to another part of the country after school. Cause if he moves back home, shit will get interesting.

I just watched this

and wanted to know your thoughts on it. I have a (fairly recent) ex who wants to be friends. Do you believe this video is true? Is it ever possible for men and women to be friends? Exes or not.

Good timing considering I just wrote that whole blog about the friendzone earlier this week. Since i covered most of it in that blog, I’ll just give a basic answer.
Yes, I believe men and women can be friends but not in the same way men are friends with other friends. As long as that sexual tension (be it real or created by the man) is there, it will never be the same. I will say that two ex’s can be friends if both of them are truly over it. It’s super rare but it exists somewhere.

I have tons of female friends. But aside from a few, I’ve met them as girls I couldn’t have sex with (friends girlfriends, my girlfriends friends, my ex girlfriends friends ect…). So, they were slapped right into being friends. But the bottom line of male/female friendship is that 90% of the guys out there, would technically have sex with the girl they’re friends with. Cause, you know, why not? Where as I’d say that % drops dramatically when considering how many girls would have sex with the guys they’re friends with.
For instance, my closest girl friend is this girl I’ve known since i was 16. She’s probably the only girl I treat like I do my male friends. Meaning , playfully abusive and totally inappropriate (in a non-sexual manner). However, if I didn’t know her so well, I’d totally want to fuck her. Simply cause she is an attractive girl. On the flip side, I think the thought of fucking me makes her want to vomit forever. That’s something that she had decided on way before I even considered becoming good friends with her. But still, she thinks I’m a good guy so we’re friends anyway. Girls are different than men.
In my eyes, men act amongst and treat their male friends different cause , well, we’re all men. There’s rarely an emotional issue to worry about and everything is pretty simple. With our girl friends, we can’t be the disgusting pigs we really are so we have to tone it down a little. I’m sure some girls are going “I’ve seen men be disgusting pigs! All my friends are men!” but , I’m sorry homegirl, you still really don’t know the depths. Not even close.
With girls, once the sexual aspect of the relationship is out of the equation, I feel like it’s business as usual with friendships with men. Granted, they’re not gonna sit around discussing “Who wore it best?” with us or talking about shoes but the dialogue is not going to be THAT different. Now, I’m sure some girls are going “Oh no! when I talk to my girls we are disgusting!” That’s cute and all, but I really can’t stress enough how not disgusting you really are. Talk all out want about your period, or gross dicks you’ve seen or whatever…it’s not even in the same universe as the grossness men discuss casually over dinner.
My point in all this is , as sexes we are so different, that our ideas of what our friendships are with each other are also different. We’re always going to view each other differently no matter what. So while a true male/female platonic friendship is totally possible, I’d say the probability of that relationship being on the exact same wavelength for both people, is not possible.

Is it weird to be making out with tons of chicks, but never dropping the hammer? I don’t know, I’ve always been paranoid about fucking some sea donkey for fun and having her get pregnant… linking me to her the rest of our miserable lives. I’ve made out with more girls than I can count though. Is that so bad?

By the way, that is 21 year old me talking. I’ve had sex plenty since then(with girlfriends I had relationships with). I sure as shit felt like a weirdo at the time though for not going all the way though.

What’s weird is that you’re so scared of knocking a girl up. Wear a condom, bro.
Sounds to me you were just a 21 year old who was comfortable kicking game and kissing girls but insecure about anything beyond that. That’s fine. Sex is pressure packed before you get the hang of it. The only down side is that I’d imagine you have some regrets about not boning some of those girls you made out with.

I need advice

some hot girl that I dont even know her name but she works at a building I work wants me to go to a party that her uncle is throwing. I work with her uncle and I always tell him she looks good. She didnt invite me personally, but her uncle (my coworker) said she wanted me to come. Now im not really down with chillin in a family party with a girl I dont even know, or I dont know anyone thats gonna be at the party too. Plus I work that same day. But i really would want to get at this girl. What should i do?

Depends what kinda dude you are. I’m not the type of person who can just roll up to a party solo and be comfortable. I need to know at least someone well enough to kick it with them. I got a nephew who’s the opposite. he thrives on going places alone. He’s just go to a random art opening and end up meeting all sorts of people. So, if you’re like me, you’re not going to go to that party , regardless of what you think about that girl. But, if you’re like my nephew, you say fuck it, put on a happy face and see what happens.
From an outsider perspective, I’d say my nephew is on to something and his way is the better way to go. But , it’s also easier said than done.
Regardless, the girl works in your building. There’s got to be another way to start a Reppore (no clue how to spell that) with her.

for the doc…
so ive been seeing this girl for a few weeks. we get along good. she’s smart and funny, fun to hang out with. the sex is pretty good, not mind blowing yet – i think it could get there potentially – but its a solid experience in the sack. i think she’s quite sexy. she’s curvy – and i dig that. i cant really fuck with stick drawing women, you know? BUT, here’s the thing. she’s kind of right at the threshold. like, she’s pretty damn sexy right now, but another few lbs and i could see the transition from curvy to sloppy happening.
now, obviously i should feel like a douche for entertaining this line of thought in the first place right? fair enough. but what do you do in this situation?
do you keep the dating going long enough before getting serious so you can get a read on her maintenance? do you just go all in, but have an exit strategy ready? do you broach the subject (like heeeeey, lets join a gym together? even though i have zero interest in joining a gym. what a terrible idea.). i mean i guess throughout history there have been many dudes who have gotten on board with an amazing lady who went and got fat on them. is it just a gamble that we all take?

It’s waaaaaaay too early to even consider this. You’ve just started fucking her. Hold your horses. I’ve always said my favorite body types are the girls who are naturally kinda chubby but work out. Depending on her fitness schedule, you might be hitting jackpot.
You say this girl is on the cusp and I know exactly what you mean.
There’s really no way to gauge what will happen to her but if the looks are that important to you, she might not be a girl you’re gonna settle down with anyway.
But, a few ways to forecast her future would be to ask these questions (to yourself)
1)how old is she?
If she’s still fairly young, all that could turn around. If she’s like 30 though, it’s usually downhill from there.
2)Does she ever exercise?
If she has at least some sort of discipline that’s a good sign that she actually cares how she looks and is conscious of her figure.
3)Does she eat like a pig and smoke weed all day?
If she does, good luck with that. you got a lifelong fat girl on your hands.
4)Does she seem aware of her own weight?
I’d say most girls are highly aware of themselves in that way. But every now and then, you meet a girl who’s oblivious to her situation. in fact, not only that, she’s straight up content in being dumpy. Like she wear shirts that are too small and her gut hangs out without an shame. That’s fine cause to each their own, but if she’s that type and you’re concerned about her getting fatter, jump ship immediately.

The funny thing about this is that , in many cases. girls put their best foot forward when thy start hooking up with a new dude they like. They want to look good and feel sexy. It’s when they get comfortable that they start slipping (men do this two and are completely shameless about it). So, if this is an issue for you, be careful and don’t over commit to a relationship you might be ending over some physical shit down the line.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 9


After a lengthy hiatus, the doctor is back. Here to lead you down a path of righteousness laid out to you by the high power. Not really. I’m just here to give you my opinion on questions you sent me concerning matters of the heart. As I’ve said before, I’m not a licensed anything…but I do tend to be honest and think somewhat logically. So, there’s always that. Anyway, send me more questions like these to Phatfriendblog@gmail.com. My door is always open.

Hi there,
Ok,so ive met this girl about 3 weeks ago in a small club,i was a kinda drunk dunno if she was also,we kissed and stuff and she left me her phone number.It past 2 weeks and i didnt called her back cause i thought i saw her 1 day with some other guy who was a friend of mine and i didnt wanted to get involved in that.So after 2 weeks at 11pm i get this msg on my phone saying hello and asked me if i wanna go at her place cause she’s alone and she needs company.I texted her asking if she’s not my friends girlfriend and she told me she didnt knew him or he’s name.So i just considered i was drunk that night and maybe i confused her with someone else which probably i did.Ok so i go to her place,obviosly this was an invitation for sex.I was a bit nervous cause i rly liked this girl and im not much good in the sack specialy when im sober.So i arrived at her place but dunno what happend,we started talking personal things but nothing happend sexualy.I havent seen her since 3 weeks ago when i was drunk and now she looked even better.And honestly i didnt wanted to screw up with this one.I’ve been with decent amout of girls but this one is diferent.Ok so that knight we talked,watched a movie,etc.She told me she was looking for smth serious and needs love,about her school bla bla bla.I went home in the morning,on my way home thinking that i was such an idiot and she’ll definetly won’t contact me anymore.But after 1 day at 3-4 AM in the morning i get texted and was smth like “your eyes are telling me smth,sry for texting u this early”.I didnt knew how to react to that so i just texted her “i dont know what to say but i was thinking of u and what u told me the other knight”,and later some metaphor about eyes.Dunno if it was the right thing to do,she didnt texted back but i know i got her attention somehow.Ok the thing is i dunno if i should share my feelings or not.I did that before and it doesnt work all the time,its to early for that shit and not all girls want “that lover” tipe.But maybe if i stay like this and dont tell her shit she will think that im not interested in her that much.Or is the posibility that she does know my friend and this is some kind of frame but that sounds a bit crazy and maybe im just paranoid.I think this situation is very easy to handle and i usualy dont act like this,dunno whats happening.Sry for the wall of text,and for my bad english,just wanted to give u the info about what’s going on

I’m so happy to read english is not your first language. I was getting sad while reading that whole thing like “oh man, this dude didn’t graduate grade school”. Phew…
now, for you question…To be honest, I’m not really clear what the question is. All i can really do is observe the situation. First off, you met her at a club once. It’s cool to like a girl off the bat like that but let’s not get crazy. The night of emotional bonding certainly changes that but you seemed to be going into even meeting up with her like you were already in it for the long haul. To that, I’d say slow down. There’s no rush.
Secondly, and this may be due to the translation of what you wrote being off, but there’s something unhealthy to me about how you two have been communicating. Like random 3 am texts that evolve into to poetry flirting? I mean, that’s all good…but , to me, it just makes me think she’s a little out of it.
Those things considered, it does seem like she likes you. I’d stop over analyzing it so much and just let it play out naturally. You wanna talk to her? call her. Don’t turn this into unnecessary game playing. Also I highly doubt this is a set up by your friend who you think is dating her. That would be both way too elaborate and downright insane.

i dated this guy (guy A) last year who was really great and i liked a lot for a couple of months. we had the same interests and always had fun together. i shortly ended it with him because he was terrible at communicating and had a wandering eye (and dick). it was an amicable break-up though and because we got along so well otherwise, we stayed friends.

a few months later, i met his best friend (guy B) from his home town when he came to visit. we INSTANTLY bonded and became great friends. it started out friendly, but we ended up hooking up (fuck buddy style, not romantically) the next time he came to visit. at this point, i see and keep in touch with guy B way more than guy A. aside from the occasional text, i really only have contact with guy A when guy B comes to visit him here. guy B and i had this unspoken understanding that we’d never be a couple though because it just would not work. guy A is oblivious to all of this.

this year, i started dating my boyfriend who i’m still currently in a relationship with. i hadn’t stopped to talking to guy A or guy B at all, but it was always strictly platonic… until the last time guy B came to visit last month. during his four day visit, we spent two days together. during the one day guy B and i spend alone together, he tells me that he’s in love with me even though he knows about my boyfriend and that we probably could never make it work anyway we tried. he went back home and we’ve only spoken maybe once since he left. our friendship is clearly not the same.

after guy B left, guy A (who’s currently living with his girlfriend of over a year) started to text me on a regular basis. super platonic, we just end up talking about what we’ve been up to and we start to become good friends again. i sent him a link to my boyfriend’s music at some point which he was really impressed with and made him want to meet him. they eventually meet and get along really well, bonding over just about everything. guy A texts me after we leave and tells me how much he loves my boyfriend, which is awesome. i love hanging out with them both and am super excited about them getting along so well. however, within the last week or so, guy A has been sending me increasingly flirty texts that eventually lead up to the “i think i’m in love with you” text. WHY?!?! guy A now seems relentless in wanting to be with me despite our significant others, but i just want to be his friend. oh, i’d also like to add that neither guy A nor guy B has any idea about each other’s feelings for me. it’s just all around fucking awkward.

SO… now i have three dudes who are in love with me (geez, this makes me sound like a total cunt), but only one who i am in love with and the other two, i want to keep good friendships with.

1. what the fuck do i do? can i salvage any kind of friendship with these guys despite their feelings for me?
2. do i tell guy A and guy B that they are in love with the same girl or do i let them figure it out for themselves? is there a possibility they just won’t ever know?
3. do i tell my boyfriend that two of my favorite people, who i always speak highly of, are in love with me? or would that just fuck things up worse?

Someone’s either got a magic pussy or you live in a really small town! Either way, congrats.
let’s answer these in order:
1)No. You cannot be friends with these dudes. I know your heart is telling you you can, but you cannot. These guys have agendas and they involve breaking you up with your man. Even if it’s not meant in a malicious way, that’s where it’s headed. I’m afraid you just gotta let them go. OR, if you slightly more dubious, keep them on the back burner if you feel like your current relationship isn’t “the one”. Regardless, at the moment you gotta not play into these guys romantic advances.

2)Eh, that’s not your problem. For all you know, they’re just orchestrating a super intense threesome starring you as “The middle”. But, on the real, they’re homeeboys. That’s between them. Besides, you’re not dating either of them so who gives a shit?

3)That will 100% make things worse. I’m sure he already assumes something is up (in the general sense of “I bet she’s at least made out with these guys) cause most dudes are presumptuous of his girls male friends. It’s rare they haven’t hooked up on some level. Telling him will only stir the pot and play into his insecurities. It’s like bragging. If he asks why those guys don’t hang anymore (which he won’t) , just tell him they were acting stupid. If he really wants to know more and asks for me detials (which he won’t) then you can get into it depending on how he questions you. But i say, leave it alone.

whats with girls asking to be cum on. I have been with a few girls that have asked me to pull out and finish on them (stomach, chest, what have you) and I dont get it. I find no pleasure in pulling out and rubbing one out on a girl, I can do that at home with lotion. I dont see what, if any, pleasure the girls find in it. I like to shower after sex too but, do girls actually enjoy that?

Well, I’m no girl but I have theories. First off, not all girls like being cum on. In fact, most just settle for it. But, I know what you’re talking about so lemme think about it.
Trust this has nothing to do with how much girls “love jizz” cause that’s simply just some made up shit that guys wish for. It’s more about pleasing the man and doing something for us. Contrary to what you think about it, I think most dudes are fans of blowing loads on a girls body. We’re a visual bunch. Busting off on to a girl is a great finale to sex. It’s like saying “ta-dah!” , with your penis.
I don’t think most girls particularly love it, but it’s some hot horny shit they can get into once the ball is rolling. I’m pretty sure no girl is masturbating to the thought of some guy hunched over her , nutting in her face. If she is, she should either call her dad or go visit his tombstone and get to the bottom of that.
As for showing after sex, that’s on a person to person basis. With me, it depends on how sweaty I am. If I’m sweaty, then I want to shower…at least rinse off. Some people just lay there baking in their own filth. You never know. But don’t feel weird if you feel like you need to clean off a little after fucking. One thing I’ve found girls do actually love is showering with you after sex. It’s all the emotional coddling of cuddling but with water.

Quick question. Is there a set number of years between two peoples age before its weird for them to hook up? For instance I am 32, I work at a bar, and this 23 year old keeps coming in that wants to go out. Is that too much of an age gap? I am not trying to make her my girl or anything, just don’t want to be some dirty old man.

I think I may have covered this before so I’ll be brief. If we’re just talking sex here, once she’s 21 , all bets are off. If you’re 38 and can fuck a 21 year old, go for it. I mean, proceed with caution, but do what you gotta do. However, if you actually date her, you’re a total creep. That’s the very short version of that answer.

What kind of advice can you give a female about rebound relations? Is it better to just suffer through the annoying pain of getting dumped until you don’t feel so emotionally drained, or should a gal jump back on her horse and just ride bareback into the rebound sunset with wild abandon?

Rebounds are rebounds for a reason. I’m a supporter of them. They enable the girl to move on and also zone out for a bit from being a depressed mess after getting dissed. After getting dumped, girls tend to be pretty high strung and emotional. This can lead to all sorts of bad choices, ranging from being a pathetic mess towards the guy that dumped them, with hopes of getting him back (which never works) to fucking the worst people possible (which tends to only make things worse). A nice rebound kinda centers all that. Sure, you don’t wanna marry this rebound dude and , very likely, you’re thinking about other stuff wen you two are fucking but it’s a step in the right direction. Cause women are so often driven by emotion the rebound guy is great cause it’s a time when they can just turn all that craziness off for a second. The rebound guy is usually a decent person who , under different circumstances, might be datable to that girl. But , due to timing, he’s just there to fill that hole.

Although, I’d like to throw a warning out there that if you’re a serial dater, there is no such thing as a rebound guy. That’s just your next boyfriend. I fucking hate serial daters cause they tend to be needy and self involved…so don’t be like that. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your freedom and being alone.

On a side note, for the fellas, the only downside is if the dude who’s the rebound guy doesn’t realize that’s what he is and he’s some sucker for love type who thinks he’s met his soul mate. That dude has no chance. But, if it’s a normal guy, being a rebound guy is awesome cause you get to have sex with a girl who’s never gonna flip that emotional mess switch on you. Also, you are the recipient of having sex with someone who’s very likely been bored within their relationship for awhile and you’re “new”. So that’s always fun.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 8


Hello everyone. I’m back with some terrible advice. Something I’ve forgotten to do in these recent posts is stress that I’m not a licensed anything. There is no medical background to any of this advice so , if you take it and your life ends up in squalor, don’t come looking to sue my ass. You’re the moron taking advice from a hip hop producers blog. That said, i think I’m usually on point and fair so, take that for what it is as well.
Also, I’m running low on questions! Send me new ones. If you got problems of a romantic nature, need a mans perspective on some girly issue you got going on, or need me to tell you to shit or get off the pot, let’s do this…
email questions to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com
And, on with the program…

I am currently having this crazy internal struggle as to whether I should let this girl know I have feelings for her. Here are the problems I have with this;

A) She’s my best friend and I really don’t want to ruin that if theirs no chance of us being in a relationship.

B) She has made it known that she does not want to be involved in a relationship of any sort at the time. ( I have an inside source that has confirmed this )

C) She’s 19 and I’m 24, yeah I know.

The other thing is that she may very well know how I feel already ( told a friend of hers in a drunken rant ) and is just trying to ignore it so we can keep on the same page as we are right now. I may also be completely over analyzing everything.

Basically, What would you do (sans marc summers)? Logic tells me that I should wait until shes a bit older and has a more mature head on her shoulders. But I also know logic plays no roll in these things.

It’s pretty clear that all signs point to leaving it alone. From what I gather, there has been nothing she’s done that would make you think what you two have is anything more than a friendship. I think your instincts are right in thinking she’s aware of it (they usually are) and ignoring it.
It sucks but sometimes you just gotta take the loss in these kind of situations. Not every girl is gonna like every guy that likes her. In fact, they usually prefer the guy that doesn’t like them. Especially young girls.
So, feel free to give it some time. Maybe she’ll come around but , the reality is , she might not and probably won’t. Unless you get rich and famous…then you can piss in her eyes and she’ll thank you.
The more pressing question here is why is your “best friend” a 19 year old girl? That sounds fucking terrible.

there’s this girl in my class who is soooooo hot but she is 20 (i’m 25)… and yeah.. she is actually retarded. still, i just wanna fuck her but i don’t think we could even be friends… and i have to see her everyday till one of us is done with the college.

i don’t really give a fuck about it, as i know i don’t like her and she is 5 years younger than me, have nothing to share with her, etc… but i’m scared that one of these days i will be drunk and it will just happen… should i keep avoiding it or just go for it???

thx Mr Dr Love!!!

This depends on a few things.
1)Does she “like” you. meaning, if you fucked her would she want more out of it.
2)How well do you handle slightly awkward situations?

If she has a legit crush on you, you fuck her and then don’t date her, it’ll be a bad scene for a little bit. but, eventually , all parties will move on. Its not like she’s gonna sit there stewing over that drunken mistake she made in her freshman year for the entirety of college. She’ll get older, wiser, fuck tons of other dudes and forget you ever dogged her out in the first place. Sure, you won’t be friends but, like you said, that’s not really an option anyway.
My advice would be to not be afraid to do it but , once the deed is done, be respectful of her feelings, This doesn’t mean date her out of guilt but be straight up with her. For all you know, you could have just landed the worlds greatest booty call. For all you know, she thinks you’re a disgusting pig. You’ll never really know until you do it.
Basically, go for it but don’t be a dick about it afterwards. Honesty in these kind of situations in the great equalizer cause , if you’ve never lied to them, everything is out in the open and harder to misunderstand.

At the moment I’m single and having a tough time meeting girls. It’s kind of hard to admit this, but I met my ex-girlfriend on a dating website. So I was wondering if should take the same route and join one of those stupid sites again to try to find girls. I have the hardest time just meeting girls when I go out and I only have guy friends so the chance of meeting a girl thru my friends or going out is close to non-existant. So my question is what do you recommend I should do to meet girls? I don’t want to meet a girl at a club or a bar because that only means that that girl wants to be out and about and clubbing all the time and that’s not my type of girl. Or should I just stick to randomly trying to meet somebody online? Sorry that this question/commentary makes close to no sense but I just want to know what you would do to try to meet new girls.

There was a time when meeting people on the internet was considered the “dungeons and dragons” of pussy getting. However, I’d say that stigma is long gone at this point. Everyone meets people online nowadays. Whether it be chatting up some girl you met once on facebook , hooking up with strangers from craig’s list or dating people off of match.com. So, I’d say have no shame in jumping right back into that. You sound like someone who has very particular interests (IE: you’re not a party guy/very social) so a dating website seems perfect for you. Don’t have any shame in that.
I’m probably older than you but I have a bunch of friends who are on those things and they do well for themselves…and I know a few girls on them as well who are legitimately attractive/cool so it’s not like you’re sifting through pages of psychotic narwhal’s.

I could make this story long as hell but ill keep to to a paragraph. So I met this girl about 4 years ago through one of my guy friends. We hung out a time or two and got drunk one night and hooked up in her dorm room. It was an awkward morning because I honestly had no interest in this girl other than being a friend and was well wayyy to drunk and was thinking with my dick. So she called me the next day and asked if I could come over and talk. When I got there she ranted for like 20 min about how much she liked me and wanted to know how I felt. I felt teriible telling her that I saw her as nothing more than a friend but I didnt want to lead her on anymore than I already had. Well she got pissed and started crying and got way depressed and quit talking to me for a while. Then she text me one day a few months and we started hanging out again as friends and then all the sudden she tells me she still really likes me and asks if I like her. I said I saw her only as a friend still, she responded with, I dont think I can be your friend anymore cause I like you to much and you dont like me back. So i was like ahh ok. I ended up quitting my job a little bit later and bought a VW bus and drove it around the country for a few months and then moved to south dakota and chicago and then phoenix. While i was doing all this moving we kept in touch and she actually came out to see me in south dakota. And pretty much told me the same thing she always has when she was heading back home.. I cant do this anymore i like you to much and its killing me that you dont feel the same. Blah blah blah..So we had been talking for quite a few months recently and bout a month ago she text me and gave this shpeeel about a bunch of girl shit and said she couldnt talk to me anymore…the usual..Well i moved to Portland since that last text convo and just yesterday she text me again asking if we could catch up and what not and then called me. I ignored everything.. She is a cool girl to hang out with and is a good friend and we have quite a few mutual friends and she actually talks to my mom too. Now my question is..should I just not respond to anything and hope she gets over me. Or respond and see what happends?

Damn bro. She’s obsessed. I mean, is there any chance she’s gonna see you and not start telling you she loves you? Probably not. I’ve never been a big proponent of straight up ignoring people you’re friends with but you do have to set the record straight with her once and for all. Because she obviously can’t handle being in the same room with you without becoming a mess, I’d suggest an email. Instead of her constantly giving you the emotional ultimatum , you give her one. Be like “listen, we’re good friends but i feel like as long as you have feelings for me, this cannot work a a friendship”. Obviously, flower that sentence up a little and make it nicer but that’s the gist.After all, what do you really have to lose? If she were to never contact you again, I’m pretty sure life would go on just fine.
To be honest, you guys met through a one night stand and your whole relationship has apparently been based on her chasing you. That doesn’t sound like much of a friendship. It sounds like a a pathetic girl and a dude who’s trying to do the right thing but also doesn’t mind having his ego stroked. Be honest. She’s not a “good friend”. She’s a girl you fucked who like you way more that you like her. Cutting her off will be in both of your best interests. Just try and do it with some sympathy.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol 6


Hello everyone. I was just shining my nobel peace prize for “Best pussy advice”. I’m pretty proud. As always, I must tell you that I’m not a certified anything and this advice is completely just a dude talking. But, i think I’m usually not far off so, take it as you will.
If you have more questions of these nature, email me them at phatfriendblog@gmail.com. My door is always open.

This hasn’t happened recently, but I kinda thought it was gonna go down. Sometimes you’ll meet a bitch and shit will get wack kind of quick, and when you introduce her to your friends she acts all over it and above it or whatever…then when the situation between you is deaded between the two of you, she starts trying to kick it with your social group. What do you do? Ignore her and let it ride? Hate? Find new friends? Cry?

This can be tricky. Cause she could be coming at you from a few different angles.
1)She wants to fuck your friends more than you.
Straight up, you may have been the guy that got her in but you were nothing more than the key to the door of the party. When it’s all said and done, she might fuck like three of your boys and end up dating one of them seriously. So, depending on if you like her or not, you might just have to keep it moving. Treat her like a non-entity. In other words, deal with it.
2)She genuinely wants to be friends with your friends
Girls do this weird thing where they actually want to be buddies with guys they just meet. This is fine but they ignore the fact that, if they are even remotely attractive, the guys are just trying to fuck them. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that your group of friends are all really cool guys. This girl may be used to a lower caliber of dude. Like all the guys she hung out with before your crew were corn balls who listened to Dave Matthews and did Borat impressions still. Then she meets a group of funny, fun guys and all of a sudden, she’s enamored. Either way, she’ll probably end up fucking three of your boys and dating one so, again,

i’ve been on 3 dates with this girl and things are progressing towards me getting my penis wet. but last time, she told me that she used to be really depressed and cut herself. now, i’m caught between my upper instinct to bolt and my lower instinct to stick it out (she is pretty dope). i have no previous experience in this area and could use your expert advice in the matter. she apparently doesn’t do it any longer, but is this kind of baggage ever not a huge deal? peace.

Girls with emotional problems are something I , personally, have always avoided. THe second I see that sign of “oh, this bitch is kinda crazy” , it would be a wrap. But that’s me. Some dudes love that crazy shit. I’m sure the sex is great.
The thing is, there is a chance that all of that is in the past. If she was a cutter like 10 years ago but stopped, maybe she’s past it. Or maybe she still does it and just isn’t telling you cause, you know, that shit is the mark of being a pretty unstable mess. Once a mess, always a mess. I’d venture to guess some shit happened to her earlier in life that led to her being a cutter. If that’s the case (which I’d imagine you won’t find out any time soon), then her depression will likely come back and she will definitely be a handful to deal with. If you’re just in this to fuck, be a better man and bow out. If you actually like her, prepare yourself for what may be a highly involved, emotional relationship.
Whatever you do, don’t fuck her just to fuck her and then diss her cold. I’m guessing she’s a touch fragile and that kinda shit can really fuck up a girl’s head. But who knows, maybe she’s one of those slutty goth types who wants to drink blood while you bang her with a blindfold on.

Hello there. Block, here’s my problem: i cant cum during intercourse. Backstory: i was a virgin until the age of 25. Naturally, i jerked it A LOT and i never had a problem reaching climax (in fact, i was nervous that I’d only last 30 seconds when i had my first time). Sometime last summer i finally got it goin with an amazing girl. The first time we had sex, we were really drunk and i didnt cum, thinking if had to be the alcohol. But over the course of 7 months (the entirety of our relationship) i kept having the same problem. This wasnt the cause of the end of the relationship, but i know it didnt help. Fast forward to now, ive been with 5 other girls since our break-up and i STILL have the same problem. What do i do?

I gotta think this is all in your head. I only say that cause you are able to jerk off and bust. Honestly, what you’re going through sounds a lot like what tons of girls go through who can achieve orgasm during sex. While some girls get in their own heads too much some just aren’t capable. Well, you are a man so it’s certainly not that you’re incapable.
Some dudes take a looooong time to bust. It’s just how they’re wired. I feel like maybe your issue is that you’re only comfortable in your own hand. After all, it’s all you knew for the first 25 years of your life. Have you tried pulling out and finishing off with your hand? That can be lots of fun. Especially if you’re fucking one of those girls who likes getting jizzed on.
I feel like this problem will fix itself once you start fucking another girl on the regular who you like and trust. That way you can vocalize your worries about this problem and not feel vulnerable and self conscious about it.
On the bright side of things, if you think about it, this problem also makes you an unstoppable sex machine. While most dudes are starting and stopping to keep from busting, you can just go on and on. That might get tiring for a girl after a while but, all things considered, you can basically be a living and breathing fucking machine that never breaks. So you have that. Remember, if you’re wearing a condom, you can always fake the orgasm. I think it’s lame to do but that’s always an option.

Alright, Love Doctor, lets test your abilities to hand out good advice.
So I am in college, but I am a little older than most still in college
(26). I went to a school out west for a year, and had absolutely NO
trouble pulling girls. However, now I am back on the East Coast in
school, and it is the complete opposite. When I was in the West, it was
easy, because there were so many more girls than guys, and basically if
you were just a decent guy then girls would realize you weren’t ONLY
trying to get in their pants and boom you could get in their pants (or
date them, whatever). Not sure if it is because I am in the Bible Belt
which somehow makes girls who aren’t even very religious harder to get
with, or if it is just girls were easier out west but regardless the
issue is getting old. To tell you a little bit about myself, I can be
pretty socially abnormal. It takes me longer than your average person
to feel close to/trust anyone whether it be a friend or a girl I am
interested in, but when I get comfortable with a person I can be as
open, loving, friendly blah blah blah, as anyone else but it takes me a
little longer to get there; which can pose some issues when trying to be
smooth and what not. Also, I am not one to lie/mislead/misrepresent
myself to ladies about my feelings or myself in order to get with them
in any capacity; sometimes I wonder if it may be easier that way.

So I recently started the Fall semester and this girl who I had never
seen before was in two of my classes. She has been going to this
school, but just got into the same major as me. I am not sure what it
is about her, but I was instantly drawn to this girl. The best way I
can describe it is we seem to have a similar style, appreciation in
music, and there is just something I can’t put my finger on, and it
isn’t just that she is sexy as hell. Without sounding too kraft, its
like I know who she is, more so than you would your average person you
just laid eyes on. We have spoken a few times, and there was no problem
there. Some people I know are friends with her, and one of them told me
she wasn’t worth the effort, based on what one of his friends said to
him. I don’t care about that though, I want to make this girl, my
girl, straight up. Not like I know a ton about her, but I can’t shake
this feeling like me and her would mesh really well. Recently like
within the passed few days, she added me on Facebook; I wasn’t going to
add her because I wanted to try and get to know her away from Facebook
first. She seems like she might be somewhat interested in me, based on
some body language stuff I have picked up on and the fact that I wasn’t
expecting her to add me on Facebook, but then again she could have just
added me to be a friend or something; I don’t know. I am awful at
reading girls, and honestly have the social skills of a vampire, and not
the True Blood kind. With this in mind, can you somehow give me an
idiots guide to the best way to get her. Like I need an extensive
answer, because the girl getting social skills that most guys take for
granted, I don’t have. Last year I thought this other girl was
interested in me, and for good reason, she kept texting me and asking me
questions that seemed like questions a girl would ask if she was
interested and trying to get to know you. But nope apparently it was
just her trying to be friends. Not that I care about that happening, it
turned out she was one of those girls who plays grown up, but carries on
with her friends like they are on the “Real World” or some other reality
TV show. I bring that up, because it was awkward, and I don’t want to
come off like that to this girl. I need help love doctor, help me get
this girl. Remember, answer the question like you are telling an alien
who doesn’t understand how to make these things happen. Don’t get me
wrong, I’ve been with a decent amount of ladies, but have no clue what
it is I did or didn’t do that got their attention in a good way. If
you need more info to help me, I’ll be glad to give it. Thanks.

Nice novel, bro.
Okay, so this girl you like is now your facebook friend. You talk to her in class sometimes and she’s flirty. Because you’re a bit of a social retard, I would use the opportunity of being facebook friends with her and try and get the initial flirtation stuff out of the way via the written word. Everyone is more charming when they write stuff down cause they can edit themselves. Now, don’t write some weird long winded “I like you!” message. Just be funny and mildly flirtatious. DO NOT be that creep that “Likes” all her pics and don’t leave “You look so beautiful”comments under her beach pictures. Just leave witty comments here and there. Be playful. If nothing else, it’ll make you seem like you’re not a creep , that you’re kinda funny and that you’re noticing her. This kind of interaction can snowball in a way. Not meaning , you comment on everything she does , but she will gain more familiarity with you as a person just through these stupid little comments you are leaving. Maybe you’ll leave a video on her page that you think she’ll like. All the while, maintaining you’re actual real life relationship with nice conversation and slight flirting. I can’t stress the slight flirting enough cause things like this can easily devolve into the friendship zone. You must keep an air about yourself that you’re a slightly sexual being. Being that sucker for love “aw shucks” type of nice guy is fine but it won’t get you laid with girls in their early 20’s.
Eventually, you can get to a point where you invite her to a thing your going to. Very casually. It’s a group setting. It’s not a date. But you’ll both be there. Hopefully, you’ll both be drunk and you can make out with her. That’s how these thing work when you’re not a forward kinda guy.
Oh , you could also use her facebook on some stalker shit and track where she goes to party and just show up there (with friends, don’t be that lone wolf creep). Basically, the quicker you put yourself in a social situation with her, the better chance you have. Booze doesn’t hurt either. For all you know she’s got a crush on you too and is just waiting for a chance to make it happen.

Ask Dr. Tony Volume 5


Good day to all of you. The Doctor is in. Still here, giving unwarranted advice about situations I know next to nothing about. This week includes a question so fucking long , I was almost not gonna use it. However, it covers territory that I feel is quite relatable to pretty much every girl ever who’s dated a lazy guy who doesn’t give a shit.
Please send my more personal problems/questions at Phatfriendblog@gmail.com
It’s always anonymous and my advice is usually as spot on as it can be , considering I don’t know you or the people you’re talking about.
anyway, on with the session…

What’s your stance on workplace dating? i’m digging this girl I work
with – BUT she’s just freelancing – so the plan is to wait it out
until her (indefinite) freelance is up, so i get the date minus the
workplace dramas. I’m getting increasingly impatient though. Should i
just go for it or wait it out?

I think Workplace dating depends. Some people can handle it. Some can’t. It also depends on the intentions of both the people. In order for it to work, you must both be on the same page. If she just wants to fuck once in a while and you’re in love, it’s not gonna work. Not only just that , it’s gonna be a mess.
I was talking to a friend about this the other day. Jobs are one place where it seems like the playing fields even. Whenever I see a terrible looking dude with an attractive girl, I assume he’s either rich or worked at a job with her for years. It’s that thing where, when you see people every day, you lose perspective on how they actually look and begin to base your view of them on their actual personality. This leads to people hooking up who would probably not even look at each other in an actual casual social setting. I’ve certainly pined for 5’s that I’ve worked with , only to realize years later that the girl was in fact, mediocre in every way. It’s just how working closely with people works. You find ways to be attracted to what’s in your close proximity.

But i digress, your situation is slightly different cause the girl is a temp. I’d say by all means , go for it. Worst case, she rejects you, things are awkward for a few weeks and she vanishes. However, I only give this advice assuming you’re not a vindictive asshole. If she does reject you or you guy hang out and it doesn’t work, you gotta back the fuck off and not be a creep about it. OR, if you do get with her, fuck her and decide you’re not into it, you gotta handle that delicately. Basically, it’s all on you and how you act to make this thing work on any level. So, yeah, don’t be a dipshit.


Dear Blockhead,

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) for almost three years. I tried to be happy with him but I always felt like something was missing. But being a typical girl, I convinced myself that I was content and ran the thought out of my mind. Obviously I was never able to escape it. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful and kind person, we share many of the same interests, humor, and are content doing nothing together. But it seemed like that was the extent of our relationship. I have always been an ambitious person. I love to travel, go on adventures, try new things, and I am constantly going back to school. That is where we differ the most. He smokes a lot of weed, doesn’t have a driver’s license, no passport, an unsteady job and plays a lot of videogames. I would say he is a meat and potatoes type of guy, not easily open to trying new things at all. Communication is another aspect that we were never able to agree upon. I am a very open, emotionally driven individual and I can’t just bottle of my feelings. If there is something I am concerned about, I put it on the table so we can talk about it and hopefully work it out. He is the total opposite. He gets frustrated easily, brushes important problems under the carpet, and accuses me of ‘being negative’, ‘bitching’, or ‘nagging’ when there is something I feel the need to discuss. Is that not what a relationship is all about? Two people in a partnership who are able to communicate with just a glance? If only. Anyhow, talking to him was like pulling teeth or talking to a wall so after awhile I began to bottle up my feelings as well. Prior to that I tried sitting him down, writing it to him, being blunt, any possible way I could think of so he could just hear me. It seemed like it was no use.

Because of his lack of driver’s license, I had to drive us around constantly. I was always the designated driver, of course. Because of his unsteady work, I started having to pay more and more. I am usually a generous person and wouldn’t bat an eye at paying for things, but he rarely said thank you and I began to feel like I was being taken for granted. I was a mother, a taxi and then a bank machine on top of that. There came a point in time where he had to move out of his place, and into his Mother’s little one bedroom apartment in order to save some money for a damage deposit and whatnot. This was supposed to be a temporary living situation, two weeks to a month tops. He has been there for five months now. Living on her couch, because the company he works for (his Father’s company) was in the shits. Not once in this time span has he tried to look for a place, a new job, to better his life. He has expressed his discontentment with his life on several occasions, yet never did a thing to change it. Why didn’t he move in with me, you ask? For one thing, he is messy as messy can be. So! As soon as he moved into his Mom’s place, we started seeing each other less and less. I started working night shifts a few days a week, he didn’t feel like taking public transit out to see me, and I didn’t feel like hanging out in his Mom’s space all the time. This is when deeper problems arose. We fought constantly because I felt like we weren’t seen each other enough. I would send him a message or call him and he wouldn’t get back to me until the next day or a day and a half later. I felt chastised because I spoke up, and knew this was not normal. I found out he had been going to a pub regularly, made some new friends there. I found out because he pocket dialed me a couple times and heard him talking to some people in the background. I felt like something just wasn’t right, and one day while he was sleeping on the couch his phone went off and I picked it up and saw he had a message from a girl I never heard of. So…. I checked it. And she had invited him out to the pub to watch a playoff hockey game with her. When he woke up I confronted him about it and told him it was inappropriate that he was exchanging numbers with girls in bars. Of course he turned it around on me and just got angry because I looked at his message. The next weekend we were supposed to hang out but he said he was tired and was just going to have dinner and play some videogames. The day after, he ended up coming over and left his phone out again. So I checked it… again. Something in my gut was telling me something was wrong. He was acting strange (and I had an ex who cheated on me badly before). Sure enough, another girl had messaged him “Are you as hung over as I am today babe?”. Obviously I was enraged. Not only had I expressed how I felt about getting girl’s numbers, but he told me he was staying in the night before. So i gave him a chance to admit it. I asked what he ended up doing the night before. He stuck to his original story and said “not a whole lot, just had dinner and chilled.” Bullshit. I blew up and of course he had some bullshit story for me that was a complete fabrication. “Oh well, I was getting weed from my hookup and he doesn’t have a phone so I had to message this girl. And I had dinner at the pub, and she’s a regular there, so we had a pitcher and some shots.” RIGHT. So I broke up with him on the spot. But then panicked later on and we ended up getting back together.

From then on, we began to have trust issues. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until that point but that was it for me. Our relationship went consistently downhill after that and I became terribly unhappy. Our sex life dwindled down to nothing, as well. I expressed my unhappiness on several occasions, I tried to work on things but I started to realize it was a one sided effort. We drifted apart, seeing each other less. It was a battle to get him to even call or text back in the same day. So a few weeks prior to our break up, I am sorry to say that I gave up. I stopped trying. And it was only then that I noticed him perk up and start to call more often. But it was too late. I tried to accept him for who he is. I couldn’t so I tried to give him the loving push I thought he needed but I learned that you cannot change a person. And as much as I still loved and cared for him, I let him go. Apparently it was a major shock to him, in fact the term he used was ‘blindsided’. I don’t see how could not have seen it coming. So two weeks elapsed and at first he kept his distance. But I think it began to settle in that we were actually broken up about a week in. This is when he began to text and call. He begged for me back, professed his love for me along with many different apologies, finally acknowledged his wrongdoings and vowed to change. Now the question is, is that even possible? If he does change, would it make a difference for me? Could I be with him after everything we have been through? Or are we just far too different to be in a working relationship? The thought of it is so depressing. This is a person who I am still so fond of. I miss his companionship and reflect on the good times we had together and it makes me upset. He thinks I am throwing something good away, and that we can be happy. I just don’t have the heart to cut off contact completely, so I don’t know what to do. I love him to pieces but I think.. I hope there might be someone more compatible for me out there. And I worry if I would be settling if I took him back. I know people don’t change overnight. So am I actually willing to wait for him to deal with his self-proclaimed internal issues? So, Blockhead.. I apologize for this monster of a letter. I think once I started going my mind just started spitting out all these pent up thoughts. I am sure there is much more I could have included, and perhaps some of his is irrelevant. I just want to be happy. I want him to find happiness. And I don’t want this painful breakup to drag out any more. Although I have a feeling, it will..

Thank you for your time, I hope you will actually read this.

Wow that was obscenely long. I appreciate the question, but let’s keep these to under 10,000 words.
So much to cover here, lemme break it down into bullet points
1)He’s a piece of shit.
First things first. This is a fact. He’s not a bad person, but he’s extremely typical of how dudes get. I think that the way he was in the beginning of the relationship (mr. awesome) blindsided you into thinking the way he was acting later was a phase. but, sadly, this is how he actually is. At least as a boyfriend. I’m sure he’s a good guy or whatever but once a boyfriend stops giving a shit about being a boyfriend, it’s never good for the girl.

2)He’s probably depressed
I’m not shrink but all things point to him being pretty fucking depressed. I don’t blame him. He lives on his moms couch, smokes weed all day, barely works and has (had) a girlfriend he obviously is in no condition to maintain, try to talk to him about shit he doesn’t even wanna think about.
I’d say his trips to the bar are the only thing keeping him sane. It’s probably the only place he goes where he feels like he has any worth at all.

3)You are a doormat
It’s not your fault. You’ve be betrayed before. It’s par for the course. You’re a caring person who’s giving this dude enough chances. you’re holding on to a memory of a person you once knew every time you envision him in your life. But , if he gets back in, he will restart the cycle and walk all over you. Like I mentioned before, he’s in no position to have a girl friend right now. His life is way too fucked up. It’s sounds like he’s a cast member of “Winter’s bone”. AT BEST, he should be fucking bummy skanks at the local watering hole. That’s the pinnacle for this guy, until he gets back on his feet (if he ever does). Basically, his downward spiral is not you problem.

4)Phone checking never ends well
Phone checking is ill cause , if you’re checking it , you straight up don’t trust the dude. And chances are, if you don’t trust him, there’s a reason for that. Sure, you got cheated on before so you’re sensors are sensitive but the real reason you checked is cause you were suspicious of this guy.
On the other hand, you’re invading his private territory. As guilty as he is, you’re out of line as well. THis may be drastic but if you’re in a relationship when hacking into facebooks/emails or reading old texts is a thing, then you should just break up. Already, the trust is fucked up. Sure, there are some people who do that shit right away (and those people deserve to die alone with 9 cats in a one bedroom apartment) but for normal people in healthy relationships, you just don’t do that. i understand how trust issues and overall insecurity play into this but recognize, if he was the right guy, you’d be past all that by now.

5)DO NOT get back with him
You know this. Even after the book you wrote me I can tell it was just you wanting someone else to tell you what you already know. Not only is he not changing, he’s probably gonna get worse. It’s not like he’s gonna wake up one day and just decide to be this awesome boyfriend, get an apartment ,a new job and life will be perfect. That takes time and most likely won’t really ever happen anyway.
So, cut it off. He’s only coming back to you cause he’s a fucking loser with nothing else going on in his life. You’re literally just there to be a sponge for his sorrows, neediness and sperm. Don’t be that sponge.

hey, i’d love your advice/opinion about a situation i’m going through right now.
i dated this guy for a whole year (09 -10) and we did a distance thing the whole time between two different cities, but he ended up moving to go to Uni a couple of states away in Fall ’10 (after giving me a nice ol’ diamond) and he had a meltdown and said he couldn’t do distance at the moment. i give the guy space and we this summer rolls around and we were inseparable, but we established that we were just going to enjoy the summer w/o worrying about anything.
the bro talks about a future with me all the time: wedding shit, living together shit, having kids and pets shit; but the problem is, he won’t ask me out again/won’t commit because he says he wants to focus on his studies and doesn’t want to get involved with anyone. he says the time isn’t right right now.

i know that you’re usually supposed to take bro talk at face value, but what the fuck do you think is going on, Uncle Tony? 😦

Hmm…either he’s an evil dude or he actually means what he says.
Let’s look at the two sides,
He’s Evil:
If he’s evil then he’s just doing this to keep you around for his own amusement. He fills your head with talks of weddings and and babies as a mean to keep you locked in. But , when he goes back to school, he’s fucking everything that moves and not even thinking about you. he’s a sociopath with no remorse who may very likely one day try to talk you into a threesome.

OR

He’s just being realistic

Long distance relationship are a mess. He might have every intention of being with you down the line (a few years) but trying to maintain a relationship that way is not only annoying, but tiresome. It’s wears thin on what might have otherwise been a perfect match. So, perhaps, he’s thinking that it’s better to just see what happens. He could have every intention of being with you eventually.
The real question is, are you willing to wait? This will mean you will be holding him in your back pocket for the time being. Every dude you meet, he will be looming over you , stopping you from moving forward like you might if you were totally free of him. It’s basically vaginal handcuffs. So, if you feel that deeply about him, believe he’s earnest and are willing to wait, then do it. If you have doubts , then don’t waste your time.
I’m a middle of the road kinda guy so I’d say just see what happens. It could work out great. You never know. But if the weight of the situation is too much, you can always hit the eject button. Even then, it could still happen down the line.

Ask Dr. Tony Vol. 4


As you may know, I’m a licensed psychologist of the heart (No, I’m not) and my help has been sought out all over the world (No, it hasn’t).
Okay, to be honest, I’m a college drop out with no education beyond knowing the multiplication tables and kinda knowing when I’ve written a run-on sentence. That said, I have been known to give good advice and that’s what this is about. Who needs an education when you have common sense and well balanced sense of right and wrong.
As usual, if you have more inquiries like the ones below, send them to my email: phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in comments below. All submissions are kept private and treated like gold. I promise.
Anyway, here goes this weeks questions:

i have this friend monica. she is practically my best friend. a couple of weeks ago we went out
and she was buying a bunch of shots. her friend susan was there. somehow we all ended up
back at my apartment and i ended up sleeping with susan in my roommates room (he was out of town and monica fell
asleep on my bed). before the next morning had even rolled around i had this intense feeling of regret. i
don’t like this chick and i don’t want her to think anything is between us.

a couple of weeks later we are all out again but this time they brought their friend jessica.
she of course is super hot and what not. i end up getting her number before the end of the night (god knows how)
and we make plans to hang out. monica freaks out on me. she thinks i’m being a pig going after the friend of the girl i just slept with. what i really am asking is, is it wrong for me to go after jessica? since when does one drunken hook up equally the equivalent of a long term relationship? pretty much monica has a huge conflict of interest because what she is really worried about is her friends fighting or some shit like that. but i haven’t even hung out with jessica yet. do i call her and risk having monica mad at me and susan being all butt hurt or do i just let it go.

last note, despite what monica thinks, i’m not going after jessica out of spite. she is mad hot and she gave me her number. who in their right mind wouldn’t follow up on that?

Well, there’s a lot to cover here so lemme hit you with some bullet points:

1)If monica was actually you’re “best friend” , she wouldn’t give a shit. I’m guessing she’s a best friend in the sense of grading on the “girl friend” curve. If you were to hold her to the same standards you do your male friends, would she pass? If she’s pulling shit like this ,probably not. I understand her desire to not have beef amongst her girl friends but the first hook up was harmless. It was a fluke. It’s not like you’re talking to that girl all the time, while scheming on the new one (I’m assuming. If you are, she’s got a point).This isn’t Monica’s issue to worry about. In the end, it all falls on your shoulders and how you handle it. IF you dog her friends out, she’s got a reason to not be happy with it, but if you act like an adult and handle your business, she needs to chill out.

2)I’ve got girls who I consider real friends and, when I was single, they wouldn’t give a shit if i fucked their friends. This is because a)they are legit friends and b) They wanted nothing to do with me personally. Meaning, there is no jealousy or resentment coming from them regarding who I put my penis inside of. This leads me to thinking with Monica has some deep down feelings for you (assuming you two haven’t already fucked, which would add a completely different layer to this whole thing) or she’s one of those annoying mother hen types who feels the need to lord over all her friends. Either way, again, not your problem.

3) Basically, do what you wanna do. You’re case is a fairly easy one to rationalize to a person (monica) who’s willing to hear you out. That case being:
“Hey monica, you’re friend is hot. i would like to date her. what happened between susan and I was nothing.”
If she doesn’t accept what you have to say she’s definitely holding onto issues with you deeper than just how you might effect her friendships. I dunno if it’s her feelings towards you, jealousy towards her friends or some other shit I don’t know about, but it’s something.
Basically, if she’s willing to end your friendship over something like this, fuck her. No one needs friends like that.

You’re a musician. You’re around musicians. Maybe you can help me understand what the fuck’s wrong with them. In particular, JAZZ musicians. Are they just not dateable? I’ve been swooning over this same dude for a while now and he keeps giving me mixed signals. He’ll be a wall one day, then flirty the next. We’ve slept together. Once. I thought women were the ones that were hard to understand. Should I just give up?

Musicians are indeed a tricky bunch. Whenever girls ask me if they should date a musician, I say “at your own risk”. This is cause most of them (us) are ego driven yet insecure and , in general, pretty fucked up individuals. That said, you’re not dating this dude at all and this problem has as much to do with him playing music as it does with him not fighting in world war II.
You’re giving me very little to go one here but judging from what we do know, I don’t think he’s into you. When I guy likes a girl , regardless of him being a musician or not, it’s not very hot or cold. If we’re down, we’re always down and it shows. ESPECIALLY in the beginning. If he’s only pursuing you sometimes, there’s a good chance he’s just in the mood during those moments. Since you’ve already had sex with him, I’d say it’s a fair guess that he doesn’t want to date you but isn’t opposed to fucking you a couple more times. Depending on how that suits you,act accordingly.

So I had a whole thing written about my situation and why this question is relevant but no one wants to read that shit. Top ten attributes to look for in a long term woman? Intended to be less of a question about physical appearance, but that of course is part of the love equation so that can’t be ruled out.

Honestly, I’m just gonna knock out the looks part cause it’ll take up like 7 of the attributes. Let’s just the physical aspects of women are a category of their own and definitely more of a varying topic amongst men. We all like something a little different . Personality traits however, are something I’d think most men can agree on. Here are ten I deem very important when looking for the long term girl

1)A level head
You’d be shocked how rare this is amongst women, in relation to dealing with men. Things like common sense go out the window when some girls get involved with guys. Being able to tame that altered beast that is your brain is a huge thing for guys. We just want to be able to reason with you and not have arguments based on emotion, as opposed to logic.

2)Don’t be corny
This one is subtle cause most people in general are kinda corny on some level. But , when you’re dating a girl, it’s one of those things that will eventually become the straw that breaks the camels back. I was once dating this girl years back. She was awesome. She was pretty, she was kind, she was trust worthy…but she was corny. She would consistently say things that would give me douche chills. It got to a point where I just knew there was a ceiling on that relationship cause I knew I could only handle so much of her corniness. When you’ve been with someone for an extended period of time, it’s those types of little personality faults that send you over the edge. So, people should always look to those warning signs early and cut them loose before it’s too late.

3)She’s gotta be Trustworthy
Dating a untrustworthy girl is the worst. Nothing fucks with a person’s insecurity issues like never feeling 100% confident that you’re girl won’t end up sucking some random dudes dick at the bar on any given drunken night out.

4)She’s gotta be sexy
Looks aren’t forever. We all decline over time and, more so, we get complacent with one another. But when a person is sexy, that lasts forever (or at least a lot longer than a hot face and body). Picking someone that you find sexy is of the upmost importance cause that’s gonna be what keeps you in it sexually.

5)She’s gotta get along with your friends
This is huge. Whenever I know a dude who’s girlfriend doesn’t get along with his friends, it’s destined for failure. If your friends don’t like your girlfriend, it’s not cause they’re jealous, it’s cause she sucks.
A good sign of a good girlfriend is if she legitimately gets along with your other female friends. They’re the harshest critics usually so winning them over is a feat in itself.

6)Don’t be petty
I’m not your homegirl. I don’t care about petty grievances.
Men want a girl who knows when to pick their battles. As dudes, we’re kinda programed to not really give a shit most of the time, concerning the small stuff. The things that bother girls,simply don’t bother us. So, an ideal girl is one who understands this and only makes an issue when there is an issue. Preferably, that’s never but none of us live on planet perfect so that’s not ever gonna happen.

7)Don’t be needy
Nothing will get a girl cut quicker than her being a needy asshole. Patrice O’neal once called it emotional rape and he’s right on the money. If you’re feeling under appreciated, it can be addressed , but calling a guy 50 times a day and keeping him on the phone while he’s out with his friends so you can whimper to him for 2 hours is unacceptable.

8)Do something/be active
Ideally, you’d like your significant other to try and exercise and not physically throw in the towel once they get comfortable. But, beyond that, you want your better half to have interests. She’s gotta wanna do stuff. Stuff that is separate from you. Her own shit. It sucks dating a girl who’s whole life is based on what you do. Being responsible for another’s fun is fucking annoying and draining. So, the perfect girlfriend has hobbies. Aspirations. Interests. You know, things that make people who they are. Honestly, it’s ironic I’m even saying that cause I really like doing about three things in the world. But trust, I REALLY love those things.

9) she’s able to chill
When it all comes down to it, you have to be friends with your girl. If you weren’t , she’d just be some girl your fucking. So, she’s gotta be able to chill the same way you chill. If I like watching TV, my girl has to like watching Tv. If you smoke mad weed, she should also enjoy weed. Down time makes up a huge percentage of the time you and girl spend together. If you two don’t share similar interests, that’s gonna lead to tons of stupid arguments that really are just a slow path to breaking up.

10)Shut up sometimes/respect our want to be silent
Sometimes, men just wanna zone out. Whether is to a TV show, sporting event or video games…that’s our time to be in our own heads. If a girl were to ask a dude to leave her alone for an hour while she watched the real housewives of of Transylvania , best believe we’d leave them be.
You know that thing when a bunch of people are watching a TV show and there is that one friend ignores this and is just blabbering on about some inane bullshit? Yeah. Well, girls sometimes do that when they feel under appreciated or bored. it’s okay at times but there are certainly situations where they just needs to read the signs and save that shit for later. A girl that can read those signs is definitely wifey material..at least 1/10th wifey material.

If a girl has At LEAST 6 or 7 of these qualities (I’m leaning more towards 7), she’s a winner. 10 outta 10 is pretty unlikely and way tot high a standard to set for a person that you didn’t make with your computer , cut outs of fashion magazines and Anthony Michael Hall. Yes, Weird Science y’all. Get familiar.