My woes about Drakes woes.

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This is a pointless little story but I figure I’d share it cause it’s friday and who cares?
Man, being old and out of touch sucks. Especially when you actually do make a tiny effort to stay somewhat in the loop. Even when you do that, there’s always going to be something that flies over your head. Where slang is concerned, I generally don’t follow it but I can figure out what it means. Words like “Fleek” or “Thot” come around and all you need to do is hear them in a certain context and you get it. You’d be a fool to use them in real life but, still, you can at least understand them. Other terms,however, are not as simple.

Case in point, this Drake song “Know yourself“. Admittedly, I’ve been running some tracks off the new Drake mixtape. Judge me with all the rap snobbery you got but, you know what? I’m old, very likely know more about rap than you and I can like what I want to like so blow me. Still, while I do tip my hat to drake a little I also think he’s fairly ridiculous. But that’s neither here nor there. This is about a line in a drake song.

So, in this song, there’s a break in the middle  (Go to 1:31 in the above video to hear it) and he goes into exclaiming “I was runnin’ through the 6 with my woes!”. it’s the pinnacle of the song. Every rap listening teen knows that part. There have been gifs, vines and everything. Now, I know “The 6” is toronto. That I know! But, when I heard this line I was kinda fascinated. Like “What a fucking weird thing to say!”. I imagined Drake, walking around Toronto , with his hood up just thinking about his life issues AKA his woes. I thought he might be on some Aceyalone shit. I mean, let’s be real, Drake is nothing if not an emo dude. It would make sense for him to pace around Toronto with a lot on his mind. He’s definitely a cryer. I dunno…the whole thing just seemed like a strange, bold and interesting choice of words for him to use. Add on that it’s followed by him saying “You know how that shit go” and it seemed like the sentiment was real. Yes, drake. i do know how that shit go. I’ve had a lot on my mind and walked around the city , trying to make sense of it all. What a relatable sentiment, Aubrey. I was even in Toronto a few weeks back and that song was in my head like crazy. I was walking around Toronto singing it to myself. It was somewhat embarrassing, now that I look back at it but , hey, music does what it does.

Flash forward to me at the YMCA this past monday. I play ball there a few times a week and it’s filled with a wide variety of people. One major type is teenagers. (Unrelated but, holy shit, teenagers are the fucking worst). So, I’m shooting around with some people before a game and one of the kids starts rapping that verse from “Know yourself” in it’s entirety. Other chime in. a few grown men even get in on the action as well. I say “Man, it’s crazy how drake made an anthem about being sad”. The kid that started the sing along looks at me and says “Huh?” and I say “yeah, like he’s got you all singing about how he runs around his city crying and shit…” this was met with patronizing laughter and the kid explaining to me that his “woes” are his boys. Most likely a shortening of the southern term Whodies. Well, fuck me. I felt 200 years old. What a let down. i won’t lie, it’s made me like the song less. I much prefer the idea of drake and his actual woes over the visual of drake and his corny friends going clubbing. Goddamn it. Oh well, this whole topic got me running through my social network timelines with my actual woes. But you know how that shit go.

Current events: Let’s talk about these Youtube clips

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It’s been a fun week for ridiculous videos. I figured it might be enjoyable to watch some and take an in depth look at them. Sure, why not?
Let’s start with a clip that was all over my facebook wall: The case of the girl who “didn’t” have sex with all of the Wu-tang clan

Now, watching this clip, I have mixed feelings. For one, I don’t think this girl fucked every member of Wu-tang clan. That would be impossible. You’re telling me Cappadonna and Masta Killa really got in there? No way. I think the ex-boyfriend is being totally presumptive and assuming the worst. I’d even go as far to say as I bet there isn’t a girl on earth who has slept with EVERY Wu-tang member. 3 or 4 of them? Sure. 5 or 6 even. But all of them? Getting them together in a room would be hard enough. Add on they’re all there to have sex with the same woman and you’re looking at odds similar to lightening striking the same person three times.
That said, the girl in this video has a look in her face that I’ve seen before. The look of someone who is totally full of shit but still smugly happy with herself. She found her way onto the Wu-tang Tour bus and hung out until 7 AM. I’ve toured enough to know that, unless you’re old school buddies with artists, pg rated shit does not go down on tour buses or in hotels after 2 am. My guess? She smoked a ton of weed. She drank a ton of booze. She saw at least one penis and sperm was involved. Whether she had vaginal sex or just used other orifices , I can’t tell you. But if you put her on a lie detector test, I’m pretty sure she would know the answer to “What does inspectah decks dick taste like?”. I only say this cause groupies gonna groupie. She can play dumb and say “Oh, I was just hanging out as friends!” but these are rappers we’re talking about. Not spiritual folk musicians who just wanna talk about the cosmos. They’re not trying to build lasting friendships with random midwest groupies. They are there for business. Again, I’ve seen this all first hand over and over again. It’s simply how the game goes. If they legit want nothing sexual from these women they meet after shows, honestly, they’d bounce. They’d go to bed cause sleep is rare on tour and you get it when you can. If they’re loyal husbands, they go to bed even earlier. Wu-tang clan IS something to fuck with, if you’re a drunken blonde girl in ann arbor michigan at 4 am on a tour bus. Not judging her cause, hey, they’re legends. But , even though he took it too far, her ex man definitely has a case.
After all, it was “one of the greatest nights of her life”. I’ve had some great conversations in my time…but I’m pretty sure none of them hold up as the “greatest night” of anything. That time I jerked of Raekwon while the GZA watched and played chess, though? I’ll never forget it.

The second vid to talk about is the new Sir Jarlsberg video.
It’s an ode to NYC public access. I realize this is a reference that will be lost on many of you but, holy shit does he nail it. I grew up watching this kinda stuff and it’s pitch perfect.

It should be noted that this contains clips of some real public access stuff from the 80’s and 90’s. Just to give you a reference point. Also, I make an appearance , so there’s that too.

The third video is of Madonna kissing Drake at Coachella

Now, I’m not trying to write a think piece on this dumb kiss. Inappropriate public kisses BEEN madonnas thing forever. I more wanna talk about drakes reaction AKA did he just drake castor oil out of a homeless mans boot?
Now, he’s gone on record saying something like her lip balm was funky tasting. RIGGGHHHHTTTT. We all know that shit flavored lip balm that famous people use. Seeing that that is clearly not true, I wanna go through 10 possible theories of what happened
1)A moth ball fell out of her mouth into his.
2)He could taste the remnants of Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman.
3)The fact she wouldn’t let him touch her hair was a huge turn off to him as,it it known, drake loves nothing more than brushing girls hair.
4)She spat in his mouth.
If I can expand on this one a little…when I was 15 or 16, my first real girlfriend and I were making out. For some reason, she thought it would be funny to spit in my mouth. My reaction was not far off from Drake’s in this clip except I was furious. I dunno, seeing it unfold just bought back those feelings. It’s possible.
5)Drake’s current girl was there so he had to play it off like it was gross.
6)It was, in fact, gross cause madonna is old and disgusting now. His reaction was a natural “ewwwwww…”
7)Her dentures fell into his mouth
8)Drake is grossed out but not having a serious emotional connection withe very girl he ksises. Simply put, he felt vulnerable and that reaction was soul saying “Not cool, bro…she’s somebodies mother!”
9)She burped into his mouth
10)She had kabala breath.
It’s gotta be one or more of those. Hopefully a full investigation will take place so we can get to the bottom of this urgent matter.

Last ,but not least, this video of a russian kid doing a cover of a Linkin park/Jay-z song.

First off, has there been a worse idea ever in music that bringing
jay-Z and Linkin Park together? Probably but this was reallllly fucking bad. But, let’s push that to the side for now and discuss people who record cover song videos for youtube. Specifically, for rap songs.
What is wrong with you? Where did life go wrong for you? Why? How? Who did this to you and where did the bad man touch you?
I get it on some level. It’s like Karaoke , but alone with a go pro. It’s just further proof that we are living in a coddled and delusional time like no other. Everyone thinks they’re special and no one is telling them otherwise. Well, let me be the first to say it then. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO ONE CARES. PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU, NOT WITH YOU. Feel free to apply those statements to an and all things most people do on earth that involves someone else having to sit and watch them. I’ll include myself and my own career in there as well. I’m okay with that.

Biters Welcome

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“There’s sign at the door ‘no biting allowed’ ”
“you got to have style and learn to be original”

These are two quotes from my youth that were pretty much the rule book for rap music for as long as I can remember. It was the late 80’s when both these quotes were said and it set the stage for the next 10 years. What followed was a mixture of people going out of their way to sound like no one else and the people who tried to make careers sounding like other people. For the people who went the original direction, it led to all sorts of funny styles that didn’t age very well. As great as they were at the time, Das Efx’s diggity iggity nursery rhymes and Akinyele’s “lower my voice at the end of each sentence” styles are no fine wine. But, hey, they tried and I will always appreciate them for that. Not to mention, at the time, that shit was awesome. The other side of things fared ever worse back then. For every Das Efx, there was a Mad Flava (that’s a group, btw) who kinda just went with the flow of what other rappers were doing. Onyx came out and , shortly after they had success, Da Hoodratz came out and failed miserably. Hell, even RUn DMC shaved their heads and started yelling. So, biting and people recycling other peoples originality has always been a thing. It’s not new now and it will go on forever. But, with that in mind, there is a different take on it now than there was 20 plus years ago. Where Originality and authenticity were once of paramount importance, those two things really mean nothing anymore. In fact, if you even stress these two things , a 22 year old will look at you like “why is this still an issue, grandpa?”. This is clearly a generational thing. I suppose I’m from generation X. It’s gross to even think like that but I don’t know what generation I fit into otherwise. Gen X were pissy, hated everything and sulked a lot. We were/are a negative group. Sure, we had the things we loved and all that but, in general, it’s a group of people who kinda question everything , to a fault.That’s why the music of our generation was angry. Gangsta rap, grunge, metal. We were the “get out of my room , mom!” of generations. Now you have millennials. This is a generation raised entirely on the internet. They’ve never not had the world at their finger tips. While I remember rotary phones and cassette tape walkmen this generation has been watching gaping asshole porn since they were 12 and can’t imagine life before texting.
Through things like music and basketball, I find myself around many millennials more than I’d imagine most people my age are. One thing that’s I’ve noticed is that they’re a an astoundingly positive bunch. It’s almost invigorating to be around them at times. The mentality is very much “Yes we can!”. They’re legit looking forward to what life has in store for them. I suppose you could say that about most youthful people in the last 40 years , as they haven’t been beaten down by the realities of life. But, looking back at my friends and I when we were that age, we were still fairly negative in many ways. With this new group of people, I feel as though they’re just more open minded then we ever were. I’d imagine it’s all a part of how people raise kids now. When I was a 20 year old, I was a snobby rap purist who would judge anyone who listened to a puffy record. People back then were so dedicated to their “thing” that you could walk by anyone on the street and know exactly what they were into. Oh, see that guy wearing those comically baggy jeans and that funny t-shirt? He’s a raver. Oh, look at that girl with her hair up in barrettes, wearing doc martins, and dyed hair? she’s a riot grrll. Etc…People went out of their way to carve out their own identity (even though, in reality, they were followers just as much as anyone else). I wanted everyone who walked by me to know what I was into it. Now it’s like everything has been smashed together and niche’s have become fainter than ever. Hip hop heads and emo kids don’t look very different. Someone who looks like Ed Sheeren might have encyclopedic knowledge of the Dipset. You ask someone what kinda music they like that you’ll often hear “I like everything” And they’ll mean it. They fuck with Beyonce, One direction, Fiona apple , Cheef Keef, Aesop Rock and Death grips. I feel as though that open mindedness is one of the best and worst things about the new generation. It’s the best cause it limits the snobbery I so willingly embraced in my youth. But it’s the worst cause , if we like everything, there is no quality control. Which leads me back to the idea of originality or authenticity.
There is a large portion of people nowadays who put no stock in either of those two things. Their argument is good music is good music. I agree with that to an extent. Did the clipse really sell all that coke? Of course not. If they had, they wouldn’t need to rap nor would they be rapping about it. But, they’re good enough rappers to take a tired subject like selling coke and make it interesting. Then you got someone like Rick Ross who’s whole image is a drug boss but he was a corrections officer and is clearly 100% full of shit. He’s not a particularly interesting rapper but he’s got a good ear for beats and knows how to make a song. That’s his strength. If he came out in 91 talking that shit and got exposed, he would have never been heard of again. But, in the late 2000’s? Not a problem. His lack of realness is shrugged off the same way a wrestling fan will when you tell him it’s fake. He knows it…he doesn’t care. he’s in it for the entertainment. I can’t even be mad at that cause , in the end, music is entertainment. If it entertains you or makes you feel a certain way, it’s done it’s job.
I don’t know why i did this but I recently downloaded Drake’s new mixtape. I think I was just like “I need to understand this”. If not for my own enjoyment, for sociological reasons. I realize drake is a divisive character. All the basic bitches (men and women) love him. That’s a given. As open minded as millennials are, his name still manages to incite rage in some people to comical effect. People who are into the more fringe aspects of music, in particular, can’t stand him. If I were to post something positive about him on my Facebook page, I would expect a huge backlash from those types. At the same time, there’s an air of “If you don’t like drake, you don’t get it” from the more hipster side of things. Personally, I don’t think drake is a bad rapper. In fact, he’s solid. Great voice. He knows how to use it. He’s a pro. I don’t wanna bump his shit but that’s really neither here nor there as I’m almost 40. It’s clearly not for me. I used to think he was the worst. His love songs were ear AIDS and any male listening to them alone needs to take serious stock in themselves. But, when the smoke clears, he can actually rap. So, I download this new album and it’s kinda what I expect. Some terrible love songs mixed in with songs where he’s talking shit. I’m always gonna be drawn to those shit talking songs so I focus on that when listening to this album. What I came away with is that Drake is a good rapper who is completely unoriginal . On one track , he raps exactly like Jay-z on “heart of the city”. On another he raps like a more relaxed version of Young thug (Which is actually more listenable than Young Thug). The thing is he pulls it off cause people allow him to. He also pulls it off cause he seems to fall so perfectly in the middle. He’s just good enough and just boring enough and just catchy enough to hit chords with so many different people. He’s a rapper whose entire career has been people saying “He raps like _____” but, at this point, he’s a bigger star than any of the people he was once compared to. Sure, Jay-z is a billionaire and only slightly less famous that Obama but, musically, his relevance is waning. Same with Lil Wayne. Well,He’s more Wayning, AMIRITE?!?!. But Drake is still at the top of his game and his fan base is as dedicated as ever. He’s like the male Beyonce in that respect. If you’re a fan, he can do no wrong.
As unoriginal and inauthentic as Drake may be (his thuggish posturing on songs is truly hilarious and the fact other rappers who are actually from the hood and had tough lives let him do it is mind blowing to me), the public has spoken. It’s way bigger than drake. It’s an open arms to everything. I know I sound like I’m being negative but I’m really not. Sure, I wish this new generation could be more discerning about what they put in their ears, eyes and mouths but , in reality, it’s not my job to dictate anything. My generation is already old and irrelevant. The best we can do is try to understand. That or just roll are eyes and lament how these kids today really needed more spankings and less hugs. That too.

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You know, I bet he/she is alright….

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It’s no secret that this blog can be a hub of negativity. I typically spend my time making fun of people , ranting about pointless shit that annoys me or telling people their demos are mediocre. That’s just kinda my thing. But, come on…let’s be honest, negativity is way funnier than positivity. This is all about entertainment value. I could write daly affirmations all day but no one besides confused strippers and moms on facebook are trying to read that bullshit. So, today, I’mma try something different.
As a judgmental man, I’m no stranger to casting opinions upon people I don’t know. Especially rich and famous people. While morons might call this practice “hating” , in real life, I don’t care enough to hate any of these people. It’s just fun to take shots at various thrones for the hell of it. Over the years , I’ve poked fun at all sorts of people so today I’m gonna do the opposite. Here are some famous people who, while I’m not a fan of their “art” on any level, I bet are actually cool people to chill with. Also, be aware the irony is not lost on me that I’m saying they’d ever want to hang out with my bum ass. I’m just saying, I bet these guys are okay in real life, as people. Also, as a way to retain the negative, generalization filled edge I like this blog to have , each person will have an “On the other hand…” which will spotlight a similar celebrity who, in my eyes, still sucks.

Drake
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First off, he’s canadian. I’ve never met an asshole canadian. At worst, they can be lame in an inoffensive way. But they’re so fucking nice it’s hard to imagine two canadians ever even arguing. Secondly, in interviews, he seems like a fairly humble guy who actually has a decent sense of humor. So, while i’m not really trying to listen to his albums and I think he’s a bit if a try hard, I have no doubt that, one on one, Drake is a cool guy. I imagine him to be someone who laughs a lot and never likes an awkward moment. He’s basically a dork who got thrust into the lifestyle of someone who can do anything he wants. He coulda gone the Bieber direction but he was better than that.
That’s nothing if not commendable.

On the other hand…
I bet Lil’ Wayne is a fucking moron and an asshole. It might be one of those “he’s too high all the time” things but I question the value of any man who takes up skateboarding in his late 20’s and carries around a guitar he doesn’t play.

John Mayer
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His music is the thing of nightmares for people who have really boring nightmares. But, all signs point to him being a funny dude. I’m the type of person who will put up with other shortcomings if the person has a good sense of humor. A while back he got in trouble for comparing his dick to hitler (cause he only likes white girls). I always though the outrage of that simple joke was way overblown. The fact he said it in an interview actually make me like him more. He also seems like a great guy to hit the town with and bag up girls. Sure, he’s John Mayer and he’s gonna get first dibs but I get the feeling he’d gladly throw scraps at you cause he’s just that kinda guy. John Mayer will not bogart the pussy and , to me, that’s an admirable quality in a rich and famous person.

On the other hand…

Gavin Degraw seems like a prick. I barley know who this dude is but a year or two back he got “jumped” walking around lower manhattan alone at like 3 in the morning. Thing is, who the fuck gets jumped in lower manhattan anymore? As the story unfolded, it turned out he was shit faced drunk and talking junk to the wrong people. I got no time in my life for bad drunks.

Lady Gaga
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She’s fucking ridiculous. I loathe her music but she’s also insanely talented so, you know, different strokes…but, beyond the music, she’s just a girl from the upper east side of manhattan who wanted to be cool downtown. I knew many people like that when I was younger and they were always the black sheep of their community. While I’d imagine her burgeoning “Actor” side might annoy me, she’s proven herself to have a good sense of humor and , more than anything, she doesn’t take herself that seriously. I’m sure many of you will argue that point but hear me out. She looks insane like 90% of the time. She leaves the house looking like a game of Jenga in mid-collapse on the regular. I know some of you would say that’s her trying too hard but it’s not like she’s Kanye. That’s someone breaking his back to be cool. Gaga strikes me more as just a weirdo. And I can get behind that…at least as a friend. Also, dat ass.

On the other hand…

There is no worse person nowadays than Madonna. Okay, maybe some brutal dicatators and people who do things to children, but Madonna is #3 with a bullet. She needs to just stop. Stop with EVERYTHING. Stop making music. Stop saying things to the press. Stop pushing her fad life choices on everyone. Stop working out. It’s ill to think that she was once the coolest person on earth (in the eyes of many) and now her existence is to humiliate her poor kids. I beg you, Madonna…stop. For the love of whatever god you’re worshipping at this very moment.

Jimmy Fallon
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One of my all-tme favorite punching bags has been Jimmy Fallon. Why? Cause he’s not funny. A guy who’s career is comedy but he’s bad at that one specific thing. Sure, He’s done funny things , had decent ideas and even has a few good impressions but , when it’s all said and done, he’s no funnier than the average wall street broker who quotes Ron Burgandy all the time. That said, he’s without question a nice guy. There is no way on earth he’s an asshole. He’s level headed and considerate. He aims to please. You’re moving? Fallon got your back. He’ll even rent the truck for you. You just broke up with someone? Call jimmy. He’s have you over and cook you a nice dinner. He’ll even let you crash at his place for way longer than normally acceptable. I liken him to old friends who’ve known since your teens that, while you don’t relate to them on a deep level, they stick around in your life cause you know they have good hearts. He’s a good guy. A good, completely unfunny guy.

On the other hand…

Jay Leno is both unfunny and a jerk. Tall dudes with big heads are generally kinda assholes. I don’t know what the science is behind that but I’ve found it to be true. Add on having more money than most small countries and it gets even worse.

Kid Rock
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Dudes musical career has been like a middle finger to my own personal taste for as long as I can recall. He helped bring in the Rap/rock era that basically created a whole shitty new brand of human being. But, if I’m out and drinking, there is no question Kid Rock would be my go to guy. He’s laid back, funny, and not a snob. In fact, he’d probably clown me for drinking a vodka and soda…and I’m okay with that. I like to think of him as a type of midwestern dude I always love. People from detroit, cleveland, columbus etc…they’re fucking awesome. They’re from somewhat bummy ass cities but that’s what gave them their flavor. There’s no pretense with them. What you see is what you get and , most of the time, what you get is a stand up dude you can effortlessly shoot the shit with for hours. Kid Rock may be a millionaire who dated Pam anderson but I don’t doubt for a second he’s still one of those dudes.

On the other hand…

Eminem is probably a dick. I bet he was cool at one point but , at this point, it would seem like he’s become the rap howard hughes. A weird genius shut in who only comes out to make the worst anthemic rap ever created. I’ve seen him in enough interviews to be able to tell he probably does that thing where he’s so constantly sarcastic you have no idea what he’s ever really saying. That shit is tiring to be around. I’d almost just prefer a person be a straight up dick than the “always sarcastic” guy.

Travis barker
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Clearly, not a fan of his music , old or new. He’s has a definite So-cal guy vibe that does not mesh well with me but, i dunno…I bet he’s okay. He might not even be from so-cal for all I know. This one is going more off a feeling than any thing I’ve seen or heard. He just seems like a guy that people get along with and, to me, that’s telling. Being a nice guy is underrated in the entertainment business. The term “fail upwards” is often misused on these people. People who have gotten to where they are simply by being liked by their peers. Sure, talent is there too but I can’t say enough for people who raised their status by just being cool to other people. Not stepping over people or fucking people over. I’m basing this on nothing but I feel like he’s one of those type of dudes. Also, he survived a plane crash and if that isn’t a character builder, I don’t know what it.

On the other hand…

Tommy Lee is a cornball. I don’t doubt partying with him in the 80’s was the best but, let’s be real, he’s extremely dim. His life has been better than mine will ever be X 1000. but I feel as if it was wasted on a dude who’s spectrum of thought and emotion range from “Awesome!” to “not stoked”. He’s basically a living Keanu Reeves character.

Khloe Kardashian
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Fuck you guys, I’ve watched their show. Yeah yeah yeah…I was actually considering throwing a few members of this show on the list (Kris humphries and Scott Disick) but I opted to keep it to just Khloe. Why? Cause she seems like the only person in that entire family that isn’t a complete piece of shit. While the reasoning for that is pretty obvious (she’s the least attractive and fattest one) I don’t care about all that. She seems like the only person in that family who genuinely cares about other human beings. She seems level headed and the least fame obsessed by far. While her brother Rob is ballooning up to Jiminy Glick levels of obesity, she’s got his back. Meanwhile, her cunt sisters and her shitty mom are leaving cakes around the house, taunting him cause, well, fuck him for being a fat ass! Truly terrible people. All of them. Khloe is a shining light of decency in an otherwise pitch black world.

On the other hand…

The rest of her family is more evil than most movie villains. Specifically Kim and their mom, Kris. If they did public beheadings on PPV, I’m willing to be a Kris Jenner sacrifice would be the most watched thing on tv ever. Like a Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather fight times a billion.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Positivity guys! It’s the wave of the future! I feel great!

No requests


As I’ve stated before, I’m not really a DJ. While I do sometimes DJ at bars or small parties, I’m not skilled in blending or scratching. Luckily for me, I live in 2012 where all you need to be a DJ is a pulse, a Serrato box and I-tunes.
To be honest, it’s been a while since I spun anywhere cause , well, it’s simply never that fun. At it’s best, you play music for your drunken friends and , at it’s worst, you realize that the world as we know it has gone completely down the crapper. The problem with DJing nowadays is that you’re not allowed to have your own personality. Unless you’re a famous taste maker, you’re just kinda forced to play what people wanna hear (if you wanna keep people inside the place you are djing at). It would be easy to blame some huge corporation for this but, in reality, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the people. It’s them who want to ehar there shitty songs and it’s them who keep this ball rolling downhill into a world where people will make cases for why LMFAO aren’t THAT bad. As a dj, this is frustrating for any person with a speckle of taste and backbone cause you end up begrudgingly playing shit that you wouldn’t listen to on your own time at gunpoint.
I’ve always fantasized of a party where I could play what I like. Old soul shit, weird hip hop, classic obscure hip hop, random rock songs , old reggae…you know, the shit I listen to on my own time. There was a time when i was like “Hell, I’m a somewhat known musical guy (in some circles). I should be able to do whatever I want and people will be in to it…”
I could not have been more wrong about that. What inevitably would happen every time is that, I’d be spinning at some bar, playing music I like. People would be chilling and drinking. At some point I play a song that starts a few people dancing. That becomes contagious and leads to more people dancing. Now, in theory, this is great cause, as a DJ, getting people to dance is the goal. Better yet if they’re dancing to music you actually enjoy. But the problem is, the theory is flawed. Once people start dancing, that’s when the requests come in. This is when people decide “Okay, enough of this crap, time to impose my will on this human jukebox over here.”
From there, it’s all down hill. And much like the dancing, requests are contagious. Once a person sees another person asking, it opens the door for them to do the same.
I had forgotten about this hell until the other night when I went and visited a friend who was DJing at a bar. He needed a bathroom/smoke break so he asked me to cover for him for 10 minutes. I obliged and within minutes I remembered why I hated doing that shit. I was flooded with terrible people requesting terrible music in a terrible way.
So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the different type of Song requesters:

1)Drunk girls

I seriously can not think of a worse human being than the drunk girl song requester. Maybe if drunken Hitler was requesting songs but , at least, his requests would be weird…And not Britney Spears or fucking Drake.
Drunk girls are relentless, reckless and entitled when it comes to talking to DJ’s. I think they assume because they own a vagina and I own a penis, I’m going to give a fuck about their opinion on some level. Unfortunately for them, I don’t. I’ve never fucked a drunk song requester girl and it’s not gonna start now. So, as you can imagine, they are less than thrilled when they’re bullshit flirting doesn’t work and they walk away without a single shitty song played.

2)The person with a list

Every now and then you get a person who will hand you a napkin with a list of songs they’d like to hear. They’re almost never polite and just sorta give you a look like “You’re welcome”. If anything on the list is in the ballpark of what I’m playing, I’ll consider it but, typically, it is not.

3)The “If you fail, try again” guy/girl

This is the person who will ask you for something and when you tell them you don’t have it, they sit by you trying to think of another song they could request. Cause, you know, them getting a successful request off is REALLY important.
It’s maddening. The biggest problem with people like this is that 9/10 times, they they don’t take the hint that you not having a song means there’s a good chance you might not have songs like it. For instance” Oh, you don’t have any Pitbull? Okay…You got any Reggaeton? Nope? Uh..how bout Daddy Yankee?” This kinda thing can go on forever until they either give up or finally reach a meeting point where you, the DJ , agrees to play something just to get them to go away. Most arguments I’ve gotten into with people have stemmed from this type of dipshit. I’m a very calm person and always polite to people but the last time this happened to me, I screamed on some 21 year old girl and told her to get the fuck out of my face. It worked. Perhaps that is the go-to method of getting through to people…

4)The “I’mma just kick it” guy

This is always a guy. Girls come and flirt but they eventually go away. This dude will make himself super comfortable and just look over you shoulder and ask to scroll through your playlists. It blows my mind that anyone cause be that fucking annoying but they do indeed exist.

5)The four leaf clover

This is the person who , somehow, requests the perfect song. It’s happened maybe 2 times in my life and i was blown away. There’s also an off shoot of this who is the person who will request some awesome obscure shit that I know, but don’t own. I appreciate these people and they’re the ONLY people who get a pass.

Okay, Now that we’ve covered the types, let’s go over the worst types of requests…

1)”Can you play some (insert Genre here)?”
To a Dj, this is the most offensive shit ever. It’s basically saying “Hey, i don’t like what you’re playing so play this completely different style of music”.
The amount of times I’ve been playing a set of old soul shit or 90’s hip hop and had some stupid cunt come up to me and be like “Hey, can you play some house music?” in enough to make me go on a killing spree. I think what gets me is the disconnect that person must have from grasping the idea that a DJ is a person and not a monkey there for their amusement. The two problems with this question are a)The requested genre ALWAYS sucks. b)Requesting an entire Genre is pretty fucking vague.
For instance, you ask me if I can play some Reggae. What does that mean? You wanna hear some Toot and the Maytals? Bob Marley? Buju Banton? Or do you just wanna hear Shaggy? I have no idea. Luckily, I don’t give a shit and go fuck yourself.

2)”Can you play the song you just played again?”

Nah bitch…I can’t.
This is especially infuriating when someone requests a song you just played, you tell them you just played it and they’re like “Oh, but I was outside smoking hen you played it”
Oh really??!??!?!?! Lemme just start the fucking entire night over for you then, princess! I wouldn’t want you to miss out on hearing “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley for the millionth time in your life.

3) “Can you play something I can dance to?”
This is only annoying when I’m playing something very danceable. Granted, I understand that they really mean “can you play a song I’m familiar with cause I lack the ability to dance to something I’m not 100% comfortable hearing”.

4) The new pop song hit requested in an empty bar/venue
I get that you wanna drunkly dance with your friends to that new Rihanna song. It’s invigorating to hear her rationalize dating the guy that beat the shit out of her. I get that. But, if it’s dead inside, no one is dancing and people are just kinda chilling, why try to turn it into a club? It’s a bar. Lemme just play good music and save that club shit for the clubs.

I think I’ve told this before but once I was djing and it was the end of the night. Like 3:30. And there we like 5 people in the bar. This drunk dude comes up to me and requests “Jump around” by House of Pain. I just looked at him and said “Dude, do you REALLY want to hear “Jump Around”? Have you not heard it enough in your life?”
He looked back and me and was like “Huh…i guess your right…”
Right then I realized that people who request songs don’t do it cause they have to, they do it because they can. Some are more level headed about it and some are complete lunatics. But, just know, the next time you’re out at a spot and you’re about to go talk to the DJ about whatever shitty song it is you wanna hear, don’t do it. Let him be. Let him do his job. If you don’t like the music, you can leave. Then, you both win cause you don’t wanna hear his music and he doesn’t want you’re dumb ass breathing Vodka tonic breath all up in his ear talking bout “On my god! How do you not own a single Katy Perry song?!?!”
Also, get some taste you fucking ingrates.