Famous people cheat

In another shocking turn of events, a political figure of great esteem and power has once again been unfaithful to his wife. Well, color me shocked. Not since the last time this happened have I been so outraged. I mean, this Petraeus fellow was the director of the CIA! Surely his dick knows how to keep a low profile.
Now, obviously, I’m kidding. This is neither shocking or exciting news. It’s yet another case of a dude who was as faithful as his options.

Political figures, actors, musicians and other sorts of rich men. How often do we hear of these dudes getting caught out there with their dicks in their hands (or in the hands of others)? It’s always funny to me what a big deal gets made out of this. Not that what they’re doing isn’t totally wrong, but that people are surprised that it happens. It’s as if people equate having a good job/lots of money with a higher moral standard. No, dirty dealings are not just what happen to people on Maury. In fact, I’d say those people on Maury have to work even harder to make it happen cause they’re not rich and powerful men. They’re poor losers who get fired from gas station convenience store jobs. In the case of these political figures, these are men who have worked their entire life to reach a point of high regard. But you know what has no connection to what you do with your dick? Work ethic. Intelligence. hell, even a strong moral compass in a very important job doesn’t mean a guy is above texting dick pics to some lady he met at a happy hour. These things simply don’t exist on the same plain for most men. So whenever this kind of scandal happens (and it happens a lot) I can’t help but just be like “Uh…yeah. no shit…”. This dude (who is most likely a nerd on some level) ,who worked his ass off his entire life to make something out of himself and who, most likely, didn’t fuck a ton of women while doing so, all of a sudden is in a position of power. And this just in: Men in positions of power get laid. Whether they seek it themselves or it comes to them, the options are plentiful. The only thing holding them back is themselves and their self control.

Now, i realize it’s sounding like I’m standing up for these guys. That’s not the case. I’m simply explaining why it happens so often. It’s not justified to cheat on your wife. These guys have all been married for years and probably have kids in college. In all reality, they should have retired their dicks years ago. But the one thing they can’t turn off is that male ego, especially given their elevated status. Sex and ego share a very similar space in the brain of most men. As much as we like fucking in general, there’s also that element of how it gives us a certain kind of worth. A kind of worth that even killing Bin Laden or foiling a terrorist plot cannot give us. It’s the same reason that “What’s the average dick size?” is one of the most googled phrases on earth. Sex is not only a joy for men, but it’s a concern and something we hold to be far more important to ourselves than just a simple physical act.

These political cheating scandals are great cause they know no political party. The political bias is thrown out the window. They happen to to the most left leaning liberal to the craziest right wing religious nut (though admittedly, they’re way more entertaining when it’s some religious dude who has to eat shit about being a philanderer). That alone is proof that this isn’t about anything more than just power and how some men can’t really control themselves when they have it.

The fucked up thing about all of this is that it’s ruined some decent political careers. People who would otherwise have done some great services for our country but got buried cause they simply wanted to fuck someone else. I really wish there was a way to take the sex out of politics. Make it so that these matters would be dealt with like normal cheating matters. Internally within the relationship. People get divorced all the time. Cheating happens all the time. It’s shitty but, alas, life does go on after that and there usually are bigger fish to fry in general. But in this day and age where everything is on record and emails/texts can be splayed out for the world to see, it just doesn’t work like that. I’d advise these people of power to stop it but that will never happen. This kind of cheating is engrained into our culture and minds as deeply as out love of fried foods and ice cream. Perhaps the best idea would be to not make SUCH a big deal out of it on a political level. Let relationships between people who aren’t you and yours not be an issue to you and yours. Treat a CIA directors cheating like you would hearing the dude from Costco fucked his wife’s sister. Silently judge him. That’s the real american way. Cause i’m pretty sure the dude at Costco get’s to keep his job after cheating. He’s just gotta deal with a whole lot of whispering and side eye from everyone around him.

Famous people die

So, Corey Haim died today. certainly one of the less shocking deaths in recent memory.
As usual, when anyone of any sort of fame dies, facebook was littered with “RIP COREY” sentiments to go along with the media’s pretend sadness over his passing. I think, with all the deaths that have happened over the last few years, this one is particularly hard to spin into anything more than ” yeah, saw that one coming…” but , i’ll be damned if people don’t try.

Remember when Bea Arthur died? When I first got word my first reaction was an earnest; “That’s too bad.” I would say that is my typical reaction to hearing about the death of most famous people. It sucks but it’s also what happens, famous people die just like millions of other non-famous people every single day.

So, what I’m asking is this:

“Do you REALLY give a shit?”

I don’t mean:

“Are you saddened by this news?”

I mean:

“Does this kind of thing actually effect you on any level outside of a passing melancholy?”

I’ll never understand people being deeply devastated over the death of someone they’ve never met. That famous person’s death had no relation to you or your life at all. It effects your life about as much as a rain storm in another country. I understand being a huge fan of someone, some fans are called fans for a reason; They can be fanatical. The worship runs deep, and until proven otherwise, many celebrities are flawless in the eyes of the people who adore them.

Biggie is a great example of this, I got lots of love for Biggie. He was dope but he was just a rapper I never met. When he was killed, it bugged me out. I was disappointed that I would never hear another Biggie verse again (little did I know Puffy would rape his corpse for a good decade after his passing and keep those “new” verses coming). But when it was all said and done, my life, as well as millions of other Biggie fans’ lives, went on the same after he died.

Do I wish he hadn’t been killed? Of course. Do I miss him? Not really… cause I didn’t know him. The idea of missing something or someone you don’t know is pretty ludicrous to me. But it goes beyond missing him, people were weeping like they just lost a parent or a child. He’s just some guy, just like you and me. His death was no more tragic then any other person’s.

I’ve always felt that to cry over the death of someone famous is insane. Possibly the most bummed I have ever been over a famous person’s death was when Phil Hartman died. He was the shit but after the, “Damn, that sucks. he was the man…why couldn’t it have been Jimmy Fallon?” Thought passed…that was about it. Beyond seeing him on TV every now and then and thinking to myself, “It’s a shame,” the grieving ended there.

I remember when Kurt Cobain died and everyone lost their shit. Personally, I was never a Nirvana fan so it was more of a pop culture footnote to me then anything. But Nirvana was huge and people REALLY lost their shit. Vigils like a motherfucker. I heard people refer to that day as a day that they’ll never forget. Are you serious? A rock star died. So, the day Kurt Cobain died and 9/11 are are pretty much in the same spectrum then? get the fuck outta here.

Sure, he was idolized and his music very likely changed peoples lives but the fact remains a complete stranger died and people were freaking out like he was their best friend. I understand how people can get overly involved in the music they love and the actors they watch but at some point reality has to set in. THIS PERSON WAS A STRANGER. Whether it be George Burns or Aaliyah…get some perspective cause, like I said earlier, all death is tragic.

That leads me to another point, what do these people do when someone they actually care about AND KNOW passes on? Do their heads explode like in Scanners? Anyone who has lost someone close to them, or even a good acquaintance, knows that that shit is no joke. It hurts and when you lose an actual friend/family member, it’s as final as it gets. That person is gone forever.

To get all weepy over the passing of a person who is no more intimate with you then an imaginary figure somewhat belittles the death of people you are actually close to. Sure, that famous person is just as gone as your dead family member or friend. The difference, however, is that you won’t come out in the morning to eat some breakfast and get sad because Steve ‘The Croc Hunter’ Irwin isn’t sitting in his normal seat. Or you won’t get bummed cause you can’t casually shoot the shit with Dan Fogelberg on the phone like you used to.

The thing is, death is a fact of life. I know, pretty shocking revelation, and there is nothing wrong passing on a good word. I think sending your best wishes to those effected by a death is more then appropriate. Saying “RIP” never hurt anyone, it’s an earnest way to pay your respects and it’s not trying to prove who is the most broken up about it. But the second you take on that death like it happened to just you and only you, you’re a selfish asshole. I’ve see this happen so many times in real life and it’s sickening. It becomes a mourning contest and all the people involved are fucking idiots. So when you take that kind of mentality, and replace the person you love with a celebrity who is a complete stranger, you can imagine how crazy that comes off.

The bottom line is in our lifetime all sorts of celebrities are gonna die. From the most famous and respected person to the most shit-on d-list douche bag. Bill Clinton is gonna die. Ray-J is gonna die. Julia Roberts will one day die. The day will even come when Dustin “Screech” Diamond is gonna die.

It will be in the news and someone out there who never met him is gonna cry. Why? Because he was Screech.