Frieieieieiieiends!

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Friends, how many of us have them? Well, I would hope most of us cause, otherwise, that’s pretty depressing. Even weirdo shut in, trench coat mafia types have at least one friend. But, if you’re one of those people, first and foremost, my apologies. Secondly, this post ain’t for you. No, this one is for the at least marginally socially adjusted folks out there who are actually able to maintain human relationships with other humans. The topic came up cause recently a friend of mine got stuck hanging out with an old friend. Someone from the past who is so far removed from their current life, it’s as if they’ve never met. Hearing about this time the two former friends spent together got me thinking about the different types of friendships we gain (and lose) as time passes. I figure it might fun to make a friendship glossary , as I see it. Now, keep in mind, I’m me. Not you. So how I view this shit could easily be different than how you do. You might be a person who meets someone, befriends them and , within a week of knowing them, you are ready to take a bullet for them. If that’s you, more power to you, but I’m not that guy. I’ve always been careful about friends. Not just who I chose to spend time with but how much time I want to spend with that person and under what circumstances. It should also be noted that male/male friendship , make/female friendships and female/female friendships are all completely different animals. So, let’s get into this, as I see it…feel free to disagree but also know that I don’t really give a shit what you think on this topic if you do. Cause I don’t know you, friend!


1) The Best friend
For men, this a weird term to use. Anytime I hear another man refer to his close friend as his “best friend”, it rubs me the wrong way. It’s just not in our nature to be ranking motherfuckers like that. As much as we men like arbitrary lists, friendship is a looser reality to us.
The way I see it, I have a handful of “Best friends”. There are dudes who I’ve known forever, love like brothers and spend the majority of my time with. They are also dudes who , when we’re together, we pretty just just sit around saying the meanest shit possible to each other. Sure, we’re joking…but it’s a brutal climate. It’s also hilarious. But, to me, a best friend is someone you can say some scathing shit to and they are able to laugh it off. Lines can certainly be crossed but, in general, the friendship is based on two people having a deep understanding. A deep understanding of another persons intentions and where they’re really coming from. My close friends that berate me know it’s all good…because it is. Where as some outsider friend could say the same shit and I’d want to kill them.
As an outsider looking in, I feel as if girl best friends are either uncomfortably close or completely replaceable. Girls tend to have either a die hard crew of friends that will be around forever or they have a rotating door of girls that come in and out of their lives. The latter type are pretty much the worst and I’d deeply advise against ever befriending them. If your homegirl is always talking about huge fallouts with former best friends, guess what? She’s a magnet fro drama and a shitty person.
But, yeah, as far as ACTUAL best friends. Where guys sit around jovially shitting on one another as the bonding experience, girls get deep. They talk for hours, sleep in the same beds and cry together. Shit is weird as fuck to me but, hey, better them than me. A good female friendship is a great way to alleviate the shitty hyper-emotional parts of being a boyfriend, so I’m all for it.

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2)The social friend
This is a friend who you enjoy when you see them but draw a strict line as to when and where that is. They don’t get phone calls to chat. They don’t get random texts. They get invited to parties and you’re always happy to see them. You don’t keep up with this persons daily dealings. If they break up with their gf/bf, you find out 4 months after it happened. You do wish them a happy birthday on Facebook though so that’s nice of you.


3)The Fuck up
This is that friend who was once great that just fell a little too deep into whatever vice it is they love. They went from life of the party guy who got tons of girls in a non-sleazy way to the shit breathed , coke head who corners you in a bar and speaks gibberish to you until you are able to slither away. The sad thing about this friend is that they will sometimes show glimmers of what made them so awesome earlier in life. They’ll remind you what it was that made you so down with them in the first place. unfortunately, those glimmers pass and the dark side comes roaring back. Personally, I’ve learned to cut ties with these types on some level. Like, we’re all good when i see them but I’m not reaching out to them. This is going to sound horrible but, these are the friends that when you get a call about them dying, you’re not surprised. Yeah, it’s as depressing as it sounds.


4)The old friend you kinda hate but is around cause they haven’t gotten the hint
This is my least favorite kind of friend ever. This is that person you went to grade school with that , purely through timing and coincidence , you became “Friends”. Perhaps your parents arranged play dates or maybe you were neighbors. Hell, maybe you simply college roommates your freshman year. Whatever the case, these are the friends that were never meant to be but somehow became. People who you have nothing in common with on any level yet, unexplainably, they think you’re the best and want to be around you all the time. What i loath most about these friends is that they live in a fantasy world. They don’t see obvious and crucial differences that separate friends from acquaintances.An aware person would feel just as weird about the pointless , surface scratching conversations as you do. But no, they just hang around like a mentally challenged cartoon dog, blindly walking through life like shit is sweet. To be fair, there is also a chance you (me)is just an judgmental asshole and this old friend isn’t. Still…that doesn’t make them less annoying to be around.
One of the hardest part of these friends is that it’s not their fault. Other than being oblivious, they often the kindest people you’ll ever meet. Kinda like that woman I always seem to sit next to on the plane who is as sweet as can be but also calls black people “negroes” and voted for George bush with no regrets. They’re simply not on the level. With these friends, I’ve found the slow freeze out works best. Be nice. Be cordial but also , when they wanna hang, ALWAYS have other plans. Eventually , they’ll fade away and you’ll only have to see them at weddings.


5)The In and out friend
This is a person who you think is awesome but they are a rolling stone. They float in and out of your world with no regard for anything. While this bums you out cause, you know, you wish they’d be around more, it also makes their appearances that much more exciting. The bottom line with these types is that they always got somewhere else to be. Most likely, they’re cooler than you and also wildly self important. Whatever the case, a weekend spent with them is usually just enough and when they bounce once again, you’re never surprised. There are also friends you probably shouldn’t rely on for anything…ever. Take them at face value and don’t ever get too emotionally invested in them. Otherwise, you’ll just spend all your time being mad at them for not being the type of friend you wish they were…which is some bitch made emo shit to be mad about.

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6)The drinking partner/smoking buddy
This is someone you only see when you’re drunk or high. You guys fucking love each other and tell sloshed/stoned stories to one another. This could be someone you’ve known forever. But I bet you don’t have this motherfuckers phone number! Very similar to the “social friend” but with a constant flow of booze or weed. But the reality is , you guys aren’t really friends, you’re just compatible when you’re fucked up. Which is fine…but this dude isn’t driving you to the airport anytime soon.

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7)The frenemy
God I fucking hate that word. This is one where I think there is a divide between the sexes. For men, we don’t really keep around frenemies. We might tolerate them socially but , in general, a frenemy , to man, is a dude you don’t like (but you also don’t hate him) and therefor don’t fuck with on any level outside of giving a pound and moving on.
For girls , however, a frenemy is a real thing. You will call her. You will hang out with her. hell, you’ll crash at her house if needed…but you despise her and everything she stands for. I will never understand why women put up with other girls they hate but I’ve seen it so many times I’ve stopped even asking. I can’t tell if it’s to keep tabs on their enemies or if it’s more of a political thing amongst groups of girlfriends…whatever it is, you ladies need to fix that mess. You can only complain with great vitriol about a “friend” so much before everyone is tired of hearing it. Trust me, No one who is not you cares.


8)Fair weather friends/on and off again friends
These are those types that both seem to make your blood boil while also inexplicably possess something that makes you want to be around them. You fight with them, you don’t talk to them for a month but a week alter you guys are hanging every day. This could also be people who are friendly sometimes , but other times play down their friendship at shitty moments. Like that person who you’ll see out who loves you one day and then ignores you the next based upon who he/she is with. Another name for these types would be “Non-friend pieces of shit”.

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9)Platonic friends of opposite sexes
This is a messy one. It’s been said by the poet laureate “Harry” of the Shakespheare play “When harry met sally…” that men and women cannot really be friends but that’s obviously bullshit. As a dude with many female friends, I can tell you they truly do exist…but with an asterix.
All my female friend fall into these groups:
1)Girls I’ve known so long that they might as well not have genitals
2)Ex’s or current girlfriends of my male friends who became my friend
3)Friends of my ex’s/current gf who, in turn, become my friend.
4)Girls I have already had sex with and we’re good on that.
I’m tempted to add “Busted girls with good personalities” but, to be honest, on a strictly physical level , I’d bone most of my female friends. Just saying, that’s ALWAYS there with men and their female friends. Even the old school ones who might as well not have genitals , I can look at and see that, had I met them last year, I’d probably wanna hit it.
Now, i think I’m not abnormal , in terms of how the typical guy thinks of his female friends. They’re my homegirls. But the sexual aspect of it is always there on some level. Even if it’s way way way off in a black hole somewhere deep down in my ballsack.
Now, with girls, I really don’t know what you think of your male friends. Cause, if you mean what you say, then you’re all delusional and oblivious. I’d would guess that the female perspective on this is actually more similar to the males than we guys may think. Sure, my Girlfriend may come home from a night out drinking talking about a new best friend she met named Bill and she may act like it’s a mutual platonic friendship but, deep down, I think she knows he’s trying to hit it…cause he is. THEY ALWAYS ARE.
“no new friends” guys, get familiar.
I think girls are way more capable of being truly platonic friends with men cause, even if they do realize what our intentions might be, they’re able to brush them off ,dance around them, and pretty much ignore the horny elephant in the room. Keeping us at bay is pretty easy. You do that long enough, the man accepts defeat and the real friendship begins. If a dude is hating on every dude you date? He’s not your friend. He’s a slow burn opportunist waiting for his moment.He may respect you and like you…but he still wants to hit it. If a dude is your emotional slave who does all the things a boyfriend does minus the physical contact, he’s not your friend. He’s a broken rag doll of a human…and slow burn opportunist waiting for his moment, just in a much more soft batch way than that other guy. Real friends don’t tip toe around shit. Real friends are just as willing to pick you up the hospital as they are to let you go home with some terrible looking person when you’re a little drunk so they can make fun of you the next day. It goes both ways. If you want to have real platonic male/female relationships, you gotta accept that a man’s friendship is not like a females. If i gotta change how I talk in front of my female friend, then it’s not equal. Same goes for girls around dudes. A girl who is a friend with a dude, should be able to fart around him like it’s nothing. So, unless you feel that way around someone, it’s not a real friendship. It’s something else. Maybe an “advanced acquaintance” or something…

There are many more types of friends…as they are like snowflakes, RIGHT GUYZ?!?!?! but I this is already too long as is. Feel free to add more friend types in the comments. I’m curious to hear some of the obvious ones I left out.