Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 51

Summer is here and what better way to spend your day than making up scenarios involving the free will of other people?
Yes, this is “Fuck/marry/kill”. The same game awful frat guys play but with a twist. As always, I must remind people this is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. If you think something like this might offend you, it probably will. Even though the majority of options aren’t even real things/people but I know how people can get.
Also, if you got any creative options for me to use in a later editions, leave them in the comment section. As you can see from this weeks edition, it can really be anything. Follow your heart!

F/M/K:A 26 year old Smurf chick, A 26 year old Fraggle Rock chick, A 26 year old Daria

Marry: Smurf
I appreciate the age specification here cause, you know, wouldn’t wanna be creepy about possibly fucking something 3 apples high in size. Oh wait…that’s impossible. That will always be creepy. It’s not like Smurfs hit 18 and and all of a sudden men all over breath a sigh of relief cause they can FINALLY get some of that legal smurf trim. No, Smurfs are literally too small to have sex with. But, then again…So are Fraggles. They’re a little bigger than Smurfs but still smaller than your average toddler so there’s not way I’m even considering sex with either of them. So, this leaves me in a strange position. It comes down to who I’d rather share a loveless/sexless marriage with. In my eyes, a smurf seems like the clear choice. They’re a docile bunch (minus the grumpy one) and generally seem like they’re good people. Sure, it would be a marriage of convenience but the alternate is a little too crazy for me. Like Animal from the Muppet show but a female and smaller. I wouldn’t even want that as a pet.

Fuck: Daria
Daria wins (is have sex with me a victory here? I kinda doubt it) by default. She’s the only one here who’s
1)age matters (high school daria would be off limits, obviously)
2)is a real human (albeit in cartoon form)
3)has a vagina that’s proportionate to an adult male (I’m assuming).
Sure, the reality of sex with Daria might , in fact, be the worse sex on the planet but this isn’t about that. It’s about justice. It’s about me not murdering someone via the act of making love. I gotta hand it to who ever come up with these options…you’re a fucked up person. God, I’m shivering at the thought of the cutting remarks Daria might way during sex. Not sure if my ego could even handle that. I’ve never had someone roll their eyes at me during sex but I have a feeling that’s right in Daria’s wheelhouse.

Kill: Fraggle
As discussed above, it was her or the smurf. She’s a wildling. She’s too small. She’s…a fraggle. At least the doozers are cute and would make good pets. Fraggles are like jungle hippies. Aside from the already stated issues with sex/marriage to a fraggle, I feel like they probably got weird diseases that could wipe out humanity if exposed sexually. We just can never be too sure. So, fraggle gon’ die tonight.

Audio edition: Vinyl, Cassette, CD

Kill: Cassettes
Listen, I know it’s all cool and shit to have cassettes now. They’re seemingly making a comeback for some unknown reason but lemme tell you whipper snappers something. I grew up with cassettes. I own 1000’s of them. They are, without question, the worst type of way to listen to music. From sound quality, to ease of use, to convenience, they lose every time. You never hear someone bragging about “Cassette quality” or hear someone say “i just like the warm sound of cassettes”. Nope. Cause they’re the worst. And, again, I have literally every album I’ve ever loved pre-2000 on cassette. It was how I listened to music my entire youth…but sometimes , times change for the better. Cassettes were a thing and they were fine when they were our best option…but it’s not 1988 anymore. Let it go. They can die now.

Fuck: Vinyl
I’m sure this pick horrifies some of you purists but let me explain. In terms of sound and feel, Vinyl is the best. There’s no question. People out here freaking out about CDQ tracks and bit rates but, to me, the warmth of vinyl is real and truly does bring out a sound in music that’s all it’s own. That said, it’s just not practical. If i wanna go for a walk to the store, I can’t strap on a record player and bump my newest vinyl. If I’m traveling, i can’t bring stacks or records for the plane, to play on my battery powered record player (I mean, i could but I’d be the fucking worst human being ever if i did that). Vinyl is situational. MUCH LIKE SEX. So, to me, it’s the clear choice. Also, it’s got that hole in the middle…shout out to 45’s, you the real MVP.

Marry: Cd’s
I don’t love cd’s. But , of the three choices they’re the right choice. You can travel with them, they sound good, you can fit a bunch into a small carrying case. You don’t need to flip sides or manually move anything to get to a new song. Sure, they’re bulky and finding a discman in 2016 would be both difficult and humbling but it’s still the best option of optimal music listening. I’m not saying cd’s are perfect. They get scratched. They’re not super reliable. But, at their best, they were how music in the future were envisioned before people figured out how to make music invisible and fit inside our phones.

SNL edition: Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon

Marry: Molly Shannon

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, (Mary Katherine Gallagher), Molly Shannon, 1975-present.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, (Mary Katherine Gallagher), Molly Shannon, 1975-present.

She’s always been awesome to me and, by default, she’s the one I’m most attracted to. I dunno if that’s a good enough reason to throw a ring on someones finger but i’ve seen people do it for worse reasons, right?
There’s a manic energy to Molly shannon that definitely kinda scares me but I feel, there’s a chance, that could work in our favor as a couple. I’m pretty level and easy going. She’s high energy and unpredictable. Perhaps our two energies would balance perfectly. Of it would be a total disaster. But , hey, that’s marriage, right?

Kill: Rachel Dratch
I’m a fan of Dratch as well…and it does feel very shallow to put her down but I really don’t know what else to do with her here. She’s funny and weird, but so are the other two options. Sadly, this comes down to the most basic level of the game and that is: attraction. Yup…that’s all it is. Dratch is Dratch. The name says it all. I don’t wanna have to kill her , in this entirely made up and ridiculous scenario, but she’s as close to a muppet as a human can get and , as i stated earlier, i cannot have sex or marry a muppet in good conscience.

Fuck: Ana Gasteyer
This is one of those default choices as well. I think the saving grace here is that Gasteyer is a dynamic performer. She can be so many different characters that, perhaps, one of them would be a girl who wants to have sex with me and vice versa. Is that doable? I dunno. I’m not even sure she’s attracted to men, to be honest but here we are. Fuck/marry/kill is all about compromise and pretending. In the case of Gasteyer and I, that’s all we got.

F/M/K: spending the rest of your life with a woman who has: a) bipolar disorder; b) multiple personality disorder (one identity is a porn star, the other is a luchador); or, c) obsessive compulsive disorder, and one of her tics is performing 10 audible queefs before she can open a door

Marry: Obsessive compulsive disorder girl
Here’s the thing, I could work with OCD. You can help these problems over time and they will get better. So, in marrying this girl, that would be the goal. Cause, outside of her OCD, she could be the perfect girl, right?
Perhaps, to quell her queefing thing, we create a house with no doors. Also, I’m not bothered by Queefs. I’d be more impressed that she could conjure them up on the spot, to be honest. i think, of the three options, this one has the most flexibility and can be possible. Hell, we all have our OCD things. Like, I have to clear all notifications off my phone whenever possible. No clue why…i just need it. Is that worse/better than a door opening queefer? Who’s to say?

Fuck: Multiple Personality girl
Get you a woman who can do both, AMIRITE?!?!?
This is technically one fuck so the secret here would be to catch her on a porn star day. fucking a luchador might be problematic but if i can time it right, it could be perfect. Sure, this could backfire and she could switch over midway through sex, throw me in a leg scissor hold and flip me off the bed but those are the risks when you fuck someone with distinct multiple personalities. you take the good, you take the bad…you take ’em both and there you have…a sex crazed luchador (as well as the facts of life). Roll the dice.

Kill: Bipolar girl
See…this is tough cause there are variations to being bipolar but I’m just gonna assume this is an extreme case. Not so different than the porn star/luchador , in that it would be all about timing, in dealing with this one. But, to be honest, Bipolar people are exhausting and , at least with the multiple personality girl, I could rationalize who I was dealing with. Someone who’s either extremely high or extremely low all the time just doesn’t bode well for me, personally. I’m a leveled guy. I don’t change moods really. So, while sex with a Bipolar person could be amazing, it could also get dark real quick. That’s scissor lock off the bed sounds like a picnic comparatively. In this case, I’d just be playing it safe and opting out of the bipolar girl altogether.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 47

Well, it’s that time again. “Fuck/marry/kill” is back. Get excited…or get mad. depending who you are, I suppose. This is that game. I must choose one of the three options to fuck, marry or kill. So simple. So stupid. So right.
As always, I must put this disclaimer here: THIS IS NOT SERIOUS. There are plenty of things to take stands against in this world that matter and this is not one of them. The only reason I don’t do men in this is cause I want to not fuck them all equally. So, please, save the vitriol for something more worthy.
Anyway, if you have some interesting f/m/k options, put them in the comment section. I always need more.
Okay, let’s bust this out…

F/M/K:avant garde musicians- joanna newsom, bjork, m.i.a.

Marry:Joanna Newsom
Of the three options, she’s the one I know the least about and I think it’s working in her favor. All I know is that she’s tiny, cute and plays a harp. You know who else is tiny, cute and plays harps? Angels, bro. But, beyond all that, she’s probably pretty chill and, for real, it would help my sleep patterns greatly if someone would gently play me to sleep with a harp a couple times a week. Would that even be on the table? Perhaps that’s asking too much of my little wife but, hey, I can dream, right?

I’m not a huge M.I.A. fan. Like, in general, I’ve never loved her music. I’ve always felt like I’m a year or two too old for whatever she’s doing. That said, the girl is definitely pretty and the right amount of crazy that could translate into good/almost scary sex. Like, I imagine she might have sex while holding a machete or something. At the very least, she’s making finger guns during sex and going “bo! bo! bo!” when she climaxes. While that would be odd, it would make for a good story at the very least.

Kill: Bjork
Easily my favorite artist of the three and just an incredibly talented women in general. Unfortunately, this isn’t “Iceland’s got talent”. This is the hard nosed, take no prisoners world of “fuck/marry/kill” and , sometimes, it just isn’t fair.
Now, Bjork was adorable. Super adorable. But she has three things going against her:
1)She’s the type of crazy that doesn’t excite me. She once kicked a paparazzi so hard in the balls, his testicle burst. Like, turned to liquid. She literally busted his nut. That kind of rage is fucking terrifying to me.
2)She’s not exactly “sexy”. By this I mean , she’s very cute but it’s not the kinda cute that makes me want to be romantic with her. It’s the kinda cute I wanna throw a teddy bear at.
3) she’s older than the other two by a decent amount and , as unfair as it is for an old piece of shit like me to be like this, I’m a bit of an agist. Sorry…I can’t help it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Sandwiches, Pizza, Burritos?

Fuck: Pizza
This is a real Sophie’s choice moment right here. I would fuck or marry any of these wonderful foods. They are pretty much the best three basic foods known to man. But, I’m not here for the easy choices.
I would fuck pizza cause pizza is the sexiest. Now, perhaps if I grew up in idaho and was only used to domino’s, I might have killed pizza (that will come in to play with burritos) but being from NYC, pizza is everything and it’s everywhere. It’s never bad. The only thing stopping it from getting a ring on it’s greasy finger is it lacks versatility. But, goddamn, I would wrap a slice around myself and make love to pizza like the world stopped.

Kill: Burritos
Now, had I grown up in L.A., San Diego or San Francisco, this would be a different story. I’ve had those burritos and they are amazing. Unfortunately, the one food NYC never really got the hang of (until VERY recently) has been burritos. When chipotle is a truly decent option, you’re kinda screwed.
Beyond that, Burritos, as I enjoy them, are the most basic. Meat, beans, rice, cheese, guac , pico and sour cream. That’s it. EVERY TIME. It’s always good but, still, that lack of variety kinda kills it. Unlike Pizza and sandwiches, I can’t just eat a burrito whenever. Those things are huge and quite an undertaking. I gotta plan ahead to really eat one. So, for those reason, I’m forced to kill that burrito. Sorry, holmes.

Marry: Sandwiches
I choose to spend the rest of my life with sandwiches cause I will never get bored. They variety is endless. From Tuna melt, to italian sub to panini to some basic little ham and cheese type bullshit to bacon egg and cheese…sandwiches are everything at all times.
I will never get bored of sandwiches and, best of all, you could put ANYTHING in a sandwich. I could literally put a pizza and burrito between two pieces of bread and it would be a sandwich. That alone just takes them to another level. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

f/m/k comedy night: Judy Tenuta, Paula Poundstone, Rosie O’Donnell

Marry: Rosie O’ Donnell
Much like wesley snipes saying “Always bet on black” in Passenger 57, when it comes to Fuck/marry/kill with some less than appealing options, “Always bet on lesbian”. The idea of marrying a lesbian , to me, is ideal. We’d basically be roommates. Rosie seems cool enough. I guess. Actually, she might be annoying as fuck but , whatever…I could just go to my room and keep living my life the way I want to. That’s the beauty of marrying someone who has no interest in you. I’ll take that over walks in the park or forced family outings with in laws any day.

Kill: Paula Poundstone
When i was a kid, she was the butt of many many jokes that involved unfunny people and women in awkward blouses. She was the quintessential 80’s female comedian. Devoid of any qualities I could possibly find attractive. Since then, I’ve come around on her, in a way. While I don’t think she’s even remotely funny,I do think she’s somewhat misunderstood and a good person. That said, I’m not marrying her and I’m not putting me penis inside of her (pretty sure she’s on board with both of those realities) so, the only option left is the sweet release of death.

Fuck: Judy Tenuta
She’s crass and obnoxious. She’s kinda gross in general. But, the trickle down logic of fuck/marry/kill kinda lands her in this place. Say what you will about her but maybe there is something underneath that gruff accordion playing exterior that, perhaps, might be sexually dynamic. Now, I have a feeling she might not be into my gender in that way but, of the three, she’s the only one who I think MIGHT possibly like men so…I guess she’s here by default.

F/M/K: short-shorts / sundresses / miniskirts

Fuck:Short Shorts
This feels like I should have done these choices in the summer…it would make more sense. Oh well.
Short shorts…they are great. They balance between fashionable, revealing and “Look at dat azz!” so perfectly that it’s hard to deny them. They are “good sex” in the form of pants. Even those stupid high waisted ones all you girls love wearing look good. You really can’t go wrong. The only thing holding them back from a wedding ring is that they’re pretty much all about the fun. They lack the class one might seek out in a wife. I dunno. I’m full of shit. I’d marry them too.

I don’t know what it is about sundresses…but they flick a switch in my brain and have been doing so since I was a teen. I think the fact they leave something to your imagination is what puts them over. The other two options are in your face…and that’s great. But seeing a pretty girl walking around in a sundress. It’s what makes playboy better than Hustler. Sure, I like to see it all but letting your mind do the work can be fun too. There’s an innocence to sundresses but it’s also subtly flashing some skin. They just work for me and i think they have longterm value.

Kill: Miniskirts
Listen, seeing a hot girls in some slutty miniskirt is great but, i dunno…they don’t seem real to me. It’s just too much, in my face. Also, they can be the least flattering of the three options by far Let’s be real, do people even still wear miniskirts? That’s some 80’s shit.
Miniskirts are some shit for the club. And clubs are for fucking losers. It’s really that simple.
Like, if i had a daughter and she wore miniskirts a lot? I’d feel like I fucked up somewhere along the way. At least put on some short shorts like classy prostitute! You’re grounded!
It should also be noted that the type of girls who wear miniskirts have never even remotely liked me so I may just be bitter about that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 46

Hello and welcome to another edition of the equally hated and loved “Fuck, Marry, Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. The same game drunk frat guys play. As always, i’d like to preface this , for the more sensitive people out there, that this is all jokes. I’m would never actually kill or marry any of these people/things and this is not meant to be taken seriously in any way. Okay? Good.
If you’ve got some crazy f/m/k options , leave them in the comment section below. Get strange and inventive.

F/M/K: Scientology,Mormonism,Confucianism

Marry: Confucianism
Pretty easy choice for a few reasons.
1)I know very little about it
2)From what I do know, seems harmless enough
I’m not a religious man in any way but the eastern religions seems to be the most chill by far. All I really know about Confucianism is that they must be all about little pearls of wisdom. Wasn’t Ghost dog down with that? Or was that the art of war? Who fucking knows? Regardless, I can abide by that. It just seems the least judgey of all the options. It’s more just a bunch of little suggestions. If that’s one thing i want out of my religion, it’s suggestions over “Rules!”.

Fuck: Scientology
This was tough cause, to me, both Scientology and mormonism are equally insane. They’re both obviously made up (like all religion but with the added eye roll factor of being somewhat new, compared to the other religions). I think I would fuck scientology cause , while it seems to basically a ponzi scheme there are a handful of famous people I admire who are into it. I’m not saying that makes it okay but, hey, I could be scientologist for a day and maybe kick in with Beck and Isaac hayes. That’s worth a fuck, at least.

Kill: Mormon
The downside of this choice is that Mormons are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Like, holy shit..they make canadians look like Donald Trump. So, on that level, I would feel bad. That said, their religion is so full of shit and without any hedonistic merit (which is what I’m basing all this on) that I’d have no choice. It’s like scientology without the fun parts. Equally creepy, the further you dig into it but the puritan judgmental aspects of Mormonism would be too much for me. I like premarital sex. I like drinking. I like cursing. Scientology doesn’t give a shit about all that. So, because of those things, Mormons gotta go.

F/M/K The Hey don’t worry, they’re legal, edition”:Shailene Woodley, Jennifer Lawrence, Chloe Grace-Moretz

Marry: Jennifer Lawrence
I mean, I would legit marry her in real life and I don’t really even believe in marriage. J-law is super hot, seems cool (for an actress) and likes to have fun. She’s also a good amount older than these other two so I wouldn’t even feel weird about being with her. I didn’t watch her grow up from a child actor. She was young in “winter’s bone” but, even in that, I was like “Hmm..that girl is kinda hot”. Which is saying a lot cause she was dressed like an 1990’s british rapper that entire movie (tons of carhardt and boots).
I actually appreciate this person even putting J-Law as an option cause it’s the only one I feel 100% okay with.

Fuck: Shailene Woodley
I think I pick her cause I honestly don’t really know who she is. I know she’s been in a bunch of movies that I’ll never see. She seems kinda cute, I guess, in a tom boyish way. But, more than anything, the lack of background knowledge makes me feel less gross about the concept of having sex with her. From the looks of her, she’s not a super sexually charged young woman. She’s not on some Kylie Jenner shit where that’s all she has going for her. Which, in life, is great. In this game? Less so. But still, I guess she’d get to have sex with a disgusting old man AKA me.

Kill:Chloe Grace-Moretz
This choice is entirely made cause I cannot see her as anything but a child. The fucked up part is that she’s one of those young actresses that , when I first saw her, I had that creepy “Hmm…she’s gonna be hot when she’s older” moments. Thing is, now she’s older but I still see her as a little kid. I guess that’s a good thing for my brain to feel but still…Again, to bring up Kylie Jenner, she also doesn’t seem to ooze sexuality. She more seems like the brooding type. Not my cup of tea. But, mostly, this has to do with me seeing her in a way. She’s gonna be a little kid in my eyes until she’s in her late 20’s. Sadly, in this game, that’s an age she will not reach. DEAD!

F/M/K:Spotify, Youtube, Soundcloud

Kill: Spotify
Straight up, i don’t use it. I know everyone loves it but I’m more the type of person who makes my own playlists, often using music that isn’t available on Spotify. So, really, it serves me no purpose. I’m sure it’s great and , if you wanna hear some new album, it’s ideal. I just have always found my way around that. I’m an old school guy. I still have an I-pod. It’s full of rare songs but little know artists I’ve ripped off of Soundcloud and youtube. Spotify is great but there is a basic bitch-ness to it’s selection that I can’t really mess with. Also, they way they pay artists (me) is pretty pathetic. So there is that too.

Fuck: Soundcloud
A year ago I woulda definitely killed Soundcloud but things have changed. Sure, it’s a wasteland of dudes who want you to listen to their demo. That’s a nightmare. But it’s also easy to ignore. On the bright side, it is a place where pretty much every new artist I fuck with puts up new music. It’s where you hear it first. That’s ideal to me. i’ve heard so much new shit I would never otherwise have known about via soundcloud, it’s nuts. Also, as an artist, it’s easy and fun to use. It reminds me of the good old days of myspace music but better. I’d put my dick all up in that.

Marry: Youtube
This just isn’t fair cause the other two only play music. Youtube is mostly video content. It’s just such a larger scope. Not only is most music on there (The abundance or rarities on there, compared to spotify, is crazy) but you also get endless video clips. Movies, skits, vine compilations , etc…That’s the kinda of thing you settle down with and stay honest too. As long as you don’t read the comment section, it would be the most glorious marriage a person could have.

F/M/K Nasty Porn edition: Chicks with dicks, Bodybuilder chicks, Pregnant chicks

Marry: Pregnant chick
cute pregnant girls 1
Most brutal choices ever? Possibly.
These are all getting picked by default.
I would marry the preggo girl cause, eventually, she’ll have the baby and be a regular girl again. It’s not forever. But, would I be the kids dad then? I mean, pretty sure I didn’t get her pregnant. That’s a whole lot of drama but it’s still better than the other options.

Fuck: Body Builder chick
female bodybuilder (11)
Ughh…I’ve been on tinder for a few weeks and the amount of grossly buff cross fit/weightlifting girls on there is amazing. It’s truly unattractive to me. It’s crazy cause it turns the female form into boxy and, sometimes, fat looking. Like, I don’t doubt these girls are strong as fuck but it leaves many of them looking like spongebob square pants. These you got the actual body builders…who are basically men but one thing is missing…that dick. It’s for that reason I would reluctantly choose them to have sex with. God, i really would not wanna do that but, at the very least, they have a vagina for me to put my penis in. My frightened, jacked up viagra penis. in a way, these ladies are far more masculine than the Chicks with dicks but that dick is a big hump to get past.

Kill: Chicks with Dicks
Like I said above, it’s all about the dick. I don’t want one of those things near me in a sexual manner. If this was Blow Job, Marry, Kill I might change my tune but it’s not. It’s FUCK. In this case, that could mean one of two things. I fuck her in the ass or she fucks me in the ass. Those are just huge “no go” options for your boring friend. The fucked up thing is I’ve seen some really beautiful Transexuals in my lifetime. Like ones who you would never guess were packing heat down there. But the second that dick would pop out? I’m gone. Sorry. All respect due though. Just not my thing.

Fuck/Marry/Kill vol. 38

Gold Silver Bronze

Hi there! This is exactly what it looks like. A simple game of Fuck/marry/kill. As always, i am forced to preface this column with a reminder that it’s not that serious. It’s shits and giggles. I’m not here to belittle the female sex. The only reason I don’t throw men in the pot is cause I don’t want to fuck them all equally. Except Clive owen. He’s the man.
Anyway, These are all reader submitted options. If you’d like to give me some ideas, feel free to leave them in the comment section below.

Fuck/Marry/Kill, the body-mod edition: a girl with (huge) ear gauges/ a girl with a pierced corset / a girl with a (permanent) grill

Marry: Permanent Grill
This is a tough one cause I’m really not into any of these things on any level. But, of the three, I find the grill the least gross so it wins strictly based of that. It would be no different than marrying a girl with adult braces except the added embarrassment of having that “Yeah, my wife had a permanent gold grill…” conversation over and over again. Physically, it doesn’t irk me. It’s just I feel as though a person who makes this life commitment is a cornball and that might wear me down. But, whatever, it’s better than a person who creates an open anus on their ears or whatever the fuck that corset thing is.

Kill: Pierced Corset
I’m a squeamish guy when it comes to certain things. While I probably wouldn’t flinch at seeing a person punched in the face of hit by a car, seeing things happen to skin grosses me the fuck out. Seeing skin pulled like how that picture above shows it, makes my balls feel funny and it’s simply not something I can look at for very long. I recall playing a show once where they had people hanging from the ceiling but their skin via hooks and I almost barfed every time I walked by it. This would be a no go for me on every level. I simply don’t have the stomach for it. Also, what’s wrong with you, girl? Take those fish hooks out your back! Call your father!
I’m simply not about that fetish life. At all. Ol’ meat and potatoes ass dude.

Fuck: Huge Ear Gauges
Let me first clarify, I fucking hate these things. I hate how they look. I hate how I imagine they smell (buttholes). The bigger they are, the worse. I legit have been turned off by them before to the point where I’ve seen an insanely hot girl with them and it was like she might as well have been a man to me. Look at the girl above. Perfectly cute. But, those things kill it. So, if anything, this is more of a statement of how gross that pierced corset thing is to me. But, i suppose, I’d have to fuck the huge ear gauge girl. Not in her ear gauges. Holy shit…that would be insane. i wonder if people do that? You know what? I’d bet my life that there are people out there who fuck the holes in other peoples ears. I mean, if there are dudes making love to each others peeholes (look it up if you wanna truly ruin your day), surely a handful of people have boned the huge hole in another persons ear. Barf.

F/M/K:soy sauce – mayonnaise – hot sauce

Marry: Mayonnaise
Fuck yallllllll! I love Mayo and I don’t care what you think. If the food is savory, it will generally work with mayo (obviously there are exceptions). It’s creamy, tangy and , back when I was a single man living alone, literally the only thing in my fridge.
My love of mayo is probably the whitest thing about me , outside of my skin color. Some people love ketchup. Some love mustard. Fuck that noise though…I ride for mayo. I wanna make songs about Mayo the way Jay-z did about Beyonce. It’s that real.

Fuck:Soy Sauce
Screen shot 2014-09-09 at 10.27.52 AM
The thing about soy sauce is that it’s very specific. It only goes with very certain foods. but, when it works, it’s the perfect sauce. I’m a guy who loves me some salty things so , you throw some asian food in front of me and I’m dumping soy sauce on it like it’s on fire. Hell, when I was kid my mom used to buy bricks of tofu (I lived in one of those healthy households that never had sugary cereals). I would take the entire brick of that flavorless shit, dump soy sauce on it and eat it like it was a steak And, you know what? I’d do it to this day.
But, like I said, soy sauce is not an everyday thing. So, I fuck it. It’d be some good , salty brown sex though.

Kill: Hot sauce
This one will very likely go down as my least popular choice in the history of fuck/marry/kill. I know how seriously people take their hot sauce. I know how much some people hate Mayo too. But, alas, this is my show and I get to make the choices. Straight up, i don’t give a shit about hot sauce. When I do use it, I tend to lean heavily toward the least hot ones possible. I love me some vineger-y shit but I’m not a fan of eating food that hurts. That burning you guys like so much? Nah, B. It doesn’t add flavor for me. It just makes eating food slightly uncomfortable. I do like when my sinus’ get cleared but, in general, if I have a choice to eat anything spicy or anything mild, I go mild every time. I prefer medium spice but I’ll take mild over something that makes me feel like I need to drink a glass of milk. I realize there are endless types of hot sauce and I actually do like it at times…but, in general, thats at the bottom of the list for me as condiments I crave. Sorry to everyone on earth cause I realize how much you disagree with me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Lisa Bonet, Kristen Wiig ,Winona Ryder

Kill: Kristen Wiig
You know, this is the second time I’ve killed Wiig in this game and it really bums me out. She’s awesome. She’s hilarious and likable. It’s just…I don’t find her attractive. Thing is, she’s not unattractive at all. It’s just a personal preference I have. She’s kinda like a muppet. A hot muppet…but a muppet none the less. It also doesn’t help that her competition are two of my all time favorites from my youth. I swear, one of these days, I will marry her hypothetically…now is simply not that time.

Fuck:Lisa Bonet
In her prime, possibly one of the best faces ever. Soooooo fucking pretty. She’s getting along in years a this point but she’s still beautiful. But, more than that, this would be a childhood dream realized. As someone who grew up watching the Cosby Show, she was always the one. Rudy was a kid, Vanessa was…Vanessa. And sandra was old and boring. But Denise? Gaddamn. She even was hip and hung out in the village. In fact, it would be safe to say she was way too cool for me but still…all the more reason. You also have to factor in that she was married to Lenny Kravitz. She must have some magic going on to keep him faithful for however many years that was.

Marry: Winona Ryder
She must be in her late 40’s right now and pretty much looks exactly the same as she did 20 years ago. She’s is a freak of nature in the white woman aging game. Her and Marisa Tomei.
She’s been a favorite of mine for decades now and , honestly, one of the women of my youth that, to this day, is the blueprint of “my type”.
Cute faced Brown haired girls (though she’s a little paler than my favorite type) with curves who are kinda short. That’s my wheelhouse right there. And she’s 100% one of the reasons for that. Shout out to Pheobe Cates though.
So yeah, this is a simple choice for me.

Fuck/Marry/Kill:advice from Dr. Phil / advice from Dr. Drew / advice from Dr. Oz

Marry: Advice from Dr. Drew
This is a no brainer. I know people hate on Dr. Drew and shit on him for exploiting famous drug addicts but I’ve listened to enough Lovelines to know that he’s not a dumb man. He’s reasonable and actually knows what he’s talking about. He’s a guy who I think actually cares. Sure, he may spread himself thin but that doesn’t take away that he’s been doing this kinda shit for real for around 30 years. I’m pretty sure the other two dipshits offered up cannot say the same thing. Also, my girl is obsessed with him so she’d probably be pretty psyched if I married his advice.

Fuck:Advice from Dr. Oz
I really don’t know shit about Dr. Oz except that he’s not Dr. Phil and his smile is mad creepy. I know Oz recently cause caught out there for pushing some faulty diet pills (or something like that) but we’re talking advice here. i don’t even know if he’s a real doctor. Maybe he’s just a good listener who failed upwards. Whatever the case is, the level of advice I’d take from him might range from “Hey, is this milk still good?” to “I dunno, do you think it’s too late to order a pizza?”. The last thing I’d ever do is ask some hyper smiley plastic faced man for advice about anything remotely important.
Side note, asking for advice with matters of the heart is bullshit. Not only cause no one ever takes advice but cause we are all our own people with our own nuances. It’s never black and white. It amazes me that we live in a world where “advice” is such a notable thing cause , really, when’s the last time you really took some life advice? Not often, bro. Not often.

Kill: Advice from Dr. Phil
I feel as though Dr. Phil is a doctor like I’m a doctor. “Ask dr. Tony” is as viable a source of info as anything Dr. Phil has ever put out there. Actually, i might argue my advice is better cause i will never bring god into it and I’m a reasonable person. Dr. Phil is some weird southern snake oil salesman who , I think, gets by cause he looks and sounds trustworthy to stupid people. I dunno…I look at him and see a lonely power bottom waiting for last call at a gay bar but, I suppose, in places where that kinda guy doesn’t
exist, he looks like the smartest guy in your town. Thank god I’m not from that town. I prefer power bottom Phil greatly.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 36

Hello. Time once again for america’s favorite time killer, Fuck/Marry/kill. You guys gave me options, I gave you my picks. As simple a concept as the day is long.
As always, for all you hyper sensitive/easily offended people out there, i will remind you that this is all in fun. It’s not nearly as serious as you’d like it to be so, please, don’t bother being offended by it. It’s dumb. I’m aware of that. We cool? i hope so.
Let’s get into this weeks batch…

F/M/K: Amber Rose, Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks

Marry: Amber Rose
This was actually tough cause, in all three cases, I was leaning toward both fuck and kill. Marriage, however, was not one I would easily apply to any of these women. So, I thought long and hard. Did some soul searching. I came up with Amber Rose as the wife. How did I come to this place? Well, when you’re dealing with a stalemate, you have to look towards the subtleties. I picked her cause , well, she’s probably the least awful person of the three to be around. I’ve seen her in interviews. She’s as dumb as a toaster oven and slightly corny but she seems , at the very least, sweet. She’s not like one of those basketball wives and she’s not a crazy person. She’s just a girl who was blessed with a crazy ass , who shaves her head. I think we could make it work.

Kill: Iggy azalea
Again, this was tough. Iggy has a hot face and crazy ass as well but she’s also like 6’2”. Not really my bag. Beyond that, she’s upper echelon cornball status. Her accent alone makes me want to leave the room and the thought of that aussie/wigger/trap lord hybrid bullshit saying anything to me in any situation is a pretty big turn off all around. The problem with killing her would be how difficult that task would actually be. It would be like the fight between breanna and the Hound on game of thrones. I fear I might not make it out alive.

Fuck: Azealia Banks
Now, I’m pretty confidant most people reading this right now are curious as to why I chose to kill Iggy and have sex with Banks. Well, hear me out. First off, off the three girls, Banks was the one I was most smitten with at first sight. The first time I saw the “212” video, I legit had a crush on her. she was adorable. So, that alone got her to this point. Beyond that, I realize that, since then, she’s kinda lost her mind. She’s been flipping out on twitter and getting into all sorts of beefs with people over extremely dumb shit. That only plays more into this whole choice. It’s a known fact, in the fuck/marry/kill universe, that crazy often = Good sex. So, in the case of banks, I’m willing to find out and show her what my dicks like, homie.

F/M/K:New Year’s Eve/Halloween/St. Patrick’s Day

Kill: St. Patrick’s day
Easiest pick I’ve had in a while. I’m not irish, I don’t day drink and I hate parades. Add those things together and you have a no brainer. I’ve even imagined killing this day outside of this silly game. St. Paddy’s day fucking sucks. Everything about it. I’m sure some people have fun and , if you’re a dude who is into pale , shapeless women, it could be a pretty strong day to get laid but, otherwise? DEAD DEAD DEAD.

Fuck: Halloween
Halloween is fun. You get to dress up and pretend. Girls go nuts and get basically naked. So that’s cool. However, it’s another day with a stupid fucking parade and really, let’s be honest, it’s a one and done kinda situation. No one wants to do this every day. So, it fits perfectly into the “fuck” criteria. Yes, I wanna fuck halloween but there’s no way I’d wanna do that shit daily. One and done. I’d even do the walk of shame home the next day in my costume, looking like a deranged person.

Marry: New year’s eve
Yes, NYE is amateur hour. But , you know what else is amateur hour? Marriage.
I pick NYE for many reasons. For one, no parade. That’s huge.
Secondly, it’s a huge party with tons of friends. I typically chill with all my closest friends that night and it’s always fun. Even the bullshit ones where we just end up at some bar. Thirdly, on some scum bag shit, I’d say it’s the best “get laid” day of the three by far. Of all the holidays, it’s by far the one I’ve had the most success at.
I’d also add that NYE is very versatile. You can party different ways. Some people go to clubs. Some go to house parties. some gather a small group and just go to a secluded place in the woods. It’s really whatever you wanna make it, which is nice and enables it to evolve with you. My mom can pop off on NYE and still have fun just like I can.
So, really, if I had to pick one of these three days to live over and over, it would be this one, by a landslide.

The American Dialect Edition:
Accents from THE WIRE / Accents from FARGO / Accents from THE SOPRANOS

Fuck: Sopranos
I bet you thought I’d marry this one but nope! I actually hate those guido/jersey accents. To many people who’ve never been to NYC, they think that’s how we all talk, which is infuriating. But still, I gotta have some home town pride. I can’t just be killing all my neighbors. So, screw it…I’ll fuck’em. At least it’s a familiar. And there is something weirdly sexy to me about a girl with a terrible jersey accent. i wouldn’t bring her home to my mom but it definitely makes me think she’s a little trashy, in a good way.

Kill: Fargo
marge gunderson
This fucking accent. I can’t even take it seriously. It’s what happens when you leave white people alone for decades. It’s as if you mixed irish people with cheese and time and , Ta-dah! That’s what you get. I also have a weird issue with people who say “Oh my gosh” cause I feel like they’re scared to say “Oh my ,god”, which makes me think they’re god fearing lunatics. Sure, that’s an unfair jump in logic but it always bugs me out. Especially when porn stars say it. It’s like “Really? You just took 7 dicks in your ass at once but saying the lords name is an issue?” But i digress…Terrible accent and one I could never deal with for more than passing pleasantries.

Marry: The wire
I just wanna clarify that there is not a single north american accent that I think is even remotely sexy. They all sound like yokels to me. From southern cali surfer guy to southern belle to that crazy maine accent that guys who go clamming have…they all are equally lame. This B’more accent isn’t pretty but ,Perhaps cause it’s the one I hear the least, It doesn’t bother me. So, really, I’m picking this one strictly due to it being the last one left. You know when that happens, it was a tough round of F/M/K. But I think I’ll be okay, thanks for asking.

F/M/K:Ellen Page,Yoko Ono ,Emilia Clarke (she plays Danaerys in GoT)

Marry: Emilia Clarke
Fast Girls - UK Film Premiere
I mean…come on. I’d marry her in real life right now and I’ve never even seen her in person or spoken a word to her. She’s the hottest and…well, she’s the hottest. There was a time in F/M/K, history where I’d always marry the lesbian cause, in a way, it would be like not marrying at all. That way, I’d actually get the ideal situation. A cool roommate and total freedom. but, in this case, fuck all that. I’m wifing the mother of dragons up with no hesitation.

Kill: Yoka Ono
Again, Come on. Who’s not killing Yoko in this? Fred Phelps would kill Yoko in this and he hates gay people more than he hates asians (I’m assuming). Not only is she old as fuck but she also sucks. She wasn’t even hot when she was young and she pretty much invented being “pretentious hippies”. Unacceptable. DEAD.

Fuck: Ellen Page
"The East" Portraits - 2013 Sundance Film Festival
Listen, she’s got a few things going against her. The obvious one being she’d be revolted to have to have sex with me. I feel you, girl. Secondly, she looks like a child. That would be creepy. But, that said, she does have a very cute face and I bet , if I got it over with quick enough, we could pal around before she went to bathroom and barfed for 3 hours cause she was forced to sleep with a disgusting man. Basically, I picked this one cause there was no way i wasn’t picking Clarke for marriage. When making an F/M/K cake, sometimes you gotta break some eggs. Out of respect, I’d try my best to be as quick and non-evasive as sex can be. Trust me, i don’t wanna be there if she doesn’t wanna be there.I’m a gentleman.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 34

Welcome to another addition of Fuck/Marry/Kill. Depending on who you are, you either love this or hate this. To the haters (I don’t mean that in the “Hi haters!” kinda way), just know it’s all in fun and I’m in no way trying to degrade anyone. It’s a fucking parlor game , for christs sake. The only reason I’m not using men in this is cause…well…I’m a straight guy and that would be impossible. The fucking part , at least. So, yeah, grain of salt people!
Anyway, this weeks batch is full of truly hard choices. If you got any original ideas for who I should f/m/k, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new and innovative ideas. Let’s get into it.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Amy Schumer, Ilana Glazer, Natasha Leggero

Marry: Natasha Leggero
You kinda set me up too perfectly with this one. I mean, I’mma definitely go the shallow rout when it’s put in front of me like this. Natasha Leggero, like the other two women listed, is funny. She’s also hot. Now, even though I’ve seen video clips of her dismissing all rap music and sounding like an out of touch old person, I think she’s since changed her tune. Or at least softened it. Cause, as much as I’m not trying to date a girl who’s obsessed with the four elements of hip hop (you’d be amazed how unattractive that can be), a person who has no respect at all for rap music and I might bump heads a little. The thing about Leggero and I , though? We’d get past it. No one said marriage was easy.

Kill: Amy Schumer
I’m a big fan of hers. She’s funny and has somehow managed to make a good sketch comedy show in an era where you’d think that was no longer possible without it being an over the top bite of the Chappelle show. That said, she’s not exactly a looker. A lil’ piggy in the face. I don’t wanna kill Schumer, but in this game, I’ve been given no choice. On the bright side, I’d like to think if Amy Schumer wrote this edition of F/M/K , she’d pick the same fate and express it in a much funnier way than I just did.

Fuck: Illana Glazer
Whoever sent in these options has been paying attention. By Putting Glazer here, they’re testing me cause I have a weird crush on this girl. In fact, I bet they were testing if my crushes are deeper than just shallow physical attraction. Whelp, apparently not.
Still, It would be my honor to bone her. My attraction to her is based on many things. Yes, she’s very funny. But you don’t fuck funny. She’s also quirky. Can’t say my dicks ever gotten hard for a female clown. No, my attraction to her is based on something I’ve mentioned many times in F/M/K. She’s a jewess who reminds me of girls I used to want to have sex with in high school. That’s all it takes. The other things are a bonus. High school was all about jews and puerto ricans. So, forever, I’ll have a thing for those two types. That’s just how it is.

F/M/K: Facebook / Twitter / Instagram (the last option was originally Pintrest but what the fuck is that?)

Fuck: Instagram
Instagram is fun and easy. Low pressure. I don’t need it but I enjoy it greatly. It seems like the clear pick for me to bone down on. Not to mention, it’s visual. Us men are visually driven creatures. I’ve literally seen pics on instagram that i could probably make love to, if that was possible (shout out to bikini season and girls who need affirmation. You guys look great). I think I wouldn’t marry instagram cause it’s just not that serious. Instagram is a casual fling that goes on for years. I wouldn’t want to change that ever.

I love twitter but the reason I’d kill it is cause it’s pretty much just an aspect of Facebook. Sure, it’s faster, funnier and arranged in a pleasing way. It also tends to attract a more “on the ball” crowd. I can’t even begin to explain how awful the comment section of my facebook page gets. but twitter also promotes the overuse of hashtags and people still haven’t figured out that retweeting anytime some gives you accolades is generally really fucking annoying. So, me killing Twitter would be depressing but i’d do it as painlessly as possible. Perhaps I’ve force feed it pills so it could pass calmly in the night. #deadbutnotforgotten

Marry: Facebook
I’m sure many of you are disagreeing with this but hear me out. Yes, Facebook is seemingly on it’s way out. I know tons of people who abandoned it for the two other sites listed above. But, let’s be honest, facebook is all those things and more. It can be like twitter. It can be like Instagram. All that and more. It’s like the general store. Sure, Twitter may be the cooler store in town where you buy all those exclusive things but do they sell butter? I bet they don’t even have eggs. Facebook got that and a decent enough knock off of whatever designer crap that other place was slinging. Facebook got everything you need so, if I had to chose, I’d take it easily over the others cause of its wide reach. To be honest, the only reason facebook is wacker now is cause too cool for school people decided they wanted to use other social networks.The site itself is still awesome. In fact, had Myspace never gone under and gotten over run by Spam, I’d probably be married to that right now anyway.

F/M/K:The Fresh Prince edition: -Hilary -Ashley (when she was age appropriate) -Will’s girlfriend (Nia Long)

Marry: Ashley
I’d like to start this saying that, when this show aired, I was a few years (maybe 4 or tops) older than ashley and she was pretty much the hottest girl ever to me. So, a legal aged ashley is ,without question, getting wifed up. I haven’t seen her in a minute but the late teen early 20’s version of her is something special. It would be a bonus if she dressed like it was the mid 90’s too cause that would also be hilarious. I bet her Roger rabbit was on point back then.

Fuck:Nia Long
To be honest, I Barely remember her being on the show but whatever. Nia Long is my shit. She’s the black version of Michelle Williams. Tiny, adorable and she aged amazingly. The more I think about it, the more I think I should be marrying her…but, alas, my love for Ashley runs too deep. Still though, sex with Nia Long? That would not be a problem. Who knows? maybe I’d fall in love with her and leave Ashley? God works in mysterious ways and one of those ways might involved a hypothetical love triangle between nia long, ashley and I. You never know, bro!

I mean, shit, she was always hot to me too. That said, I dunno if the actress was that good or the writing was special but her stuck up, spoiled bitchiness came through hard on the show. She wasn’t even sexual to me. I remember seeing the actress that played her in another role and being like “whoa! she’s not an awful piece of shit…”. Still, the scar remains and she’ll always be hillary. I’d imagine there are tons of guys out there who saw her as a challenge and would pick her based on that but I’ve never been a captain fix-a-hoe so i’ll leave that to the men with more patience and desire.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: NYC, SF, L.A.

Marry: NYC
Duh. I mean, it’s not even close. Yes, I’m wildly biased on this but what other answer would you possibly expect me to pick? I wish I could marry this city. If i could, I’d become one of those awful patronizing, passive aggressive husbands who would shame my wife into being the woman I fell in love with when I met her all those years ago. Like I’d say shit like “NAh, that new high end clothing store you opened is cool but I always liked how that area had good bars in it and wasn’t full of vertical striped shirt dipshits…but, hey, what do i know?”. Eventually my abuse might actually pay off. One can dream.

Fuck: San Francisco
This is where I’d go if NYC vanished. I got family there. I got friends there. I love the feel of the city. It’s just an awesome place all around. The only reason it’s not getting a ring is cause my bitch NYC doesn’t play games. Also, the fear of earthquakes and me ever becoming a person who says “hella” is enough to keep me out of there full time. Still, if I’m gonna go balls deep on any city, it would be S.F.

Kill: L.A.
Now, this was actually tougher than you might think. I’ve come around on L.A. in a major way over the last 10 years. It’s fun, the weather is great, there’s always shit going on and the food is awesome. Why kill it then? Well I don’t drive. Not driving out there is impossible. Well, not impossible but it would definitely make life really difficult. Add in that it’s full of actors and actresses and that’s enough for me to know. But, still, I do have love for L.A.. you guys just came up against some tough competition. Had the other choices been, I dunno…Sacramento and buffalo, you know you’d have my heart in a millisecond.

Fuck/Marry/kill vol. 31

tough choices

Welcome back to the game every dumb frat guy ever has played to the dismay of every girl even born. Round these parts, I do it slightly differently. Kinda. I at least explain my choices. That’s gotta count, right?
Just to clarify, please don’t take any of this seriously. Even if I’m being honest with my answers, it’s never to be taken to heart. I hate that I have to say that every time I post these but , the few times I didn’t, I got dissertations on feminism…and that’s really not what I’m getting at here. This is a dumb game. A game ANYONE can play. So, Just leave the issues at the door and let me tell you who I’d fuck/marry/or kill.

F/M/K Awesome brunettes edition:Minka Kelly, Adriana Lima, Olivia Munn

Fuck: Adriana Lima

I mean, she’s basically perfect. Look at her. It actually makes me mad. So mad, in fact, that I don’t think I could marry her (LIES). In reality, she’s too fly. well, all three of these girls are but she’s unreal fly. Like some weird science nerds made her. So, I choose to only make sweet love to her. Cause marrying her would be too much for me. I couldn’t deal with all the pointing and “Why the fuck is that girl with him?!?!?”. So, a one off to remember it is.

Marry: Minka Kelly

I love this girl. While she is also insanely out of my league, there is something at least approachable about her. Maybe it’s cause she may or may not be a backwoods yokel? I dunno. But, you put her in a f/m/k situation with me, best believe she’s getting picked 99/100 times. You know when you look at someone and , from 20 feet away you can tell they stink? She’s the opposite of that feeling. She should make a perfume out of what I’d guess her post workout butthole smells like…lilacs and sea salt. I’d wear it under my nostrils.
Yeah, that was creepy. Just trying to make the point: She’s my shit.

Kill: Olivia Munn

This one hurts cause, she was once my #1. I even wrote a whole blog piece about her a few years back, being a total creep and everything. However, it’s funny what a few years can do to someone. Since then, she’s done well for herself. TV and movies. She’s also lost too much weight and , according to like 3 people I know who met her, she’s a fucking asshole. Earth shattering. So, it’s with great sadness I’d have to drop the hammer on her. Keep in mind though, I’d still love to F or M her in general though. This is purely situational.

F/M/K: Actress, Music Critic, Psychologist


While killing an actress is truly tempting, I’m not stupid. Actresses are generally vapid and self obsessed on levels most normal folks can’t even comprehend. But you know what? They also tend to be pretty hot. I’m not blind. It’s an easy choice. Sure, the sex would most likely either be a poorly put on show or the girl trying to remember “her lines” but…whatever, let a shallow dude be shallow! This would be underwhelming sex with a pretty face. I think we’ve all been there.

Marry: Psychologist

This one gets married by default. I don’t really have a strong opinion on psychologists either way. Some are asshole quacks and some actually help people. The only downside I’ve seen is that they often raise shitty neurotic kids (which,I suppose is a reg flag for marriage?) but hopefully I’d offset that with my whole “home schooled psychologist” vibe. Who knows? At least you know a psychologist wants to help people on some level. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Kill: Music Critic

There are a handful of great music critics but about 95% of the lowest or the low. Trolls given a platform. People with no reference points who write 1000 word essays on why Yung Lean is a genius. Or people who masturbate to Kanye’s new album. Or people who didn’t even like Kanye’s new album but , for some reason, still put it on their year end top ten list (What’s that all about?). There are people who love music and speak on it with clarity, scope and an even hand(the anthony fantano’s of the world) and there is everyone else. Fuck ALL those other people. DEAD.

F/M/K best mafia wife: Sharon stone in casino , Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas , Diane Keaton as Michael Corleones American wife in Godfather

Marry: Lorraine Bracco

A good jewish girl! What could be better? Bracco was always sexy to me but she also kinda looked like a mom forever. She makes sense as a wife. In Goodfellas, she was a decent person who got caught up in some bullshit. I can respect that. It’s not like she was crazy for not co-signing her husbands rampant cheating. She’s wifey material. Thus, she gets wifed.

Fuck: Sharon Stone

Stone was still hot in Casino and gave an amazing performance. That said, the character she played is one of the most terrible human beings ever. A true leech and sociopath. There’s simply no way you’re gonna put a ring on her finger. Sex, however, would be awesome. That scene where she hooks up with Joe Pesci in the trailer is one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen but…truth be told, it was kinda hot. Even with her peacock hairstyle.

Kill:Diane Keaton

I won’t even front, I barely remember her. It’s been a while since I watched the godfather. All I know is that I’ve never wanted to fuck or marry Diane Keaton. Not even close. That’s some Woody Allen shit. She’s not unattractive but she never did it for me. I don’t wanna have to kill her either but, hey, this game has rules and I’m not god.

F/M/K: cereal, toast, bacon

Kill: toast
Toast is cool but who gives a shit? More often than not, it’ll end up collecting dust on the side plate it came on while I eat the actual breakfast I ordered from the diner. Toast is only elevated when you add stuff to it. But , on it’s own? It’s a piece of shitty bread. I’d eat it but I’d rather wait for the real meal.

Fuck: Cereal

Cereal is the ultimate “fuck” cause it’s something I don’t always want but , when I feel like it, it’s the best. Meaning, I wouldn’t wanna marry it cause eating cereal every day is fucking weird. ALso, I’m more of a “savory for breakfast” kinda dude. But a one off extravaganza with cereal? I’m ALL in, bro.
Some fruity pebbles…or maybe take it back to the “golden Grahams” era? Fucking frosted flakes? Let’s do this. But tomorrow, I’mma want some real food like an egg and cheese sandwich so this is a one night affair.

Marry: Bacon
Oh bacon…my dicks on hard just thinking about you. But, you know what bacon? This is deeper than just sex. I want you to be with me forever. I want you inside me (pause). I want you to be with me until you eventually lead to my heart stopping cause it’s so full of your deadly fats. Be my widow, bacon. Let me love you. *puts on marvin gaye record and proceeds to wrap bacon around my penis* This is real, bacon. I feel for you, girl.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 29

It is time once again for the game we all know and love. Fuck/marry/kill. Well, actually, some of you hate it cause you take everything way too seriously and think I’m being sexist. So, just to clarify, this is all jokes. You realize , for half of these, I’m fucking, marrying and killing things that cannot be fucked, married or killed, right? Part of the fun of these is being able to be ridiculous about them. And where the women are concerned, know that I’m aware this is all made up and have desire to actually do anything to any of these women (well, I’d fuck a few of them…) nor do I think they’d do anything but “Kill” me if given the choice. Now that I’ve explained that to you and drained all possible humor out of the idea, let’s get back into it. If you have any interesting/off center ideas of people/things/places you’d like me to fuck marry or kill, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new ideas and these are all reader submitted.
And now, on with the show…

NBA girls Edition:Vanessa Bryant, Kate Upton, Savannah Brinson

Fuck: Kate Upton
Not quite sure what she did to get on this list. Pretty sure she’s not dating or married to a basketball player, but hey, I’m not complaining. Upton is obviously beautiful an seemingly created in the mind of a 14 year old boy furiously masturbating. All that’s missing is a PS4 built into her back and that theory would be spot on. Anyway, some of you may be asking, why not marry her? Well, this is gonna sound terrible but I don’t see her aging gracefully. Not that I’m one to talk but by the time she hits 30, the world will be speaking very differently about Mrs. Upton. So, I’m more of the “Get it while it’s still great” mind set on this one.

Marry: Vanessa Bryant
It’s hard to find a pic of her without a forced smile or a scowl on it. I wonder why? oh yeah…cause her piece of shit husband sodomized some girl in a hotel a few years back and she opted to stay with him. On one hand that’s unheard of loyalty (certainly a very marriage worthy trait). On the other, she might just be in it for the long sting and planning on milking Kobe for all he’s worth (a ploy I’m not mad at cause, hey, he did cheat). Either way, I’ve always thought she was pretty fly and , even if her “Stand by my man” angle is tainted, she might actually not be a terrible person. Then again, she may have stayed married with him just so she can hold it over his head for the rest of his life and he’s basically her slave. Who knows…this is a tough one. I feel like I’m talking myself out of it. hmm…Nah, fuck it…At the very least she’d be appreciative of a non-cheater and it would give me even more reason to hate Kobe than I already do. WORTH IT.

Kill:Savannah Brinson
Truth be told, I didn’t even know who this was. I knew lebron got married (Dumbest choice ever for a pro athlete in his 20’s, btw) but I didn’t know it was to her. Well, She’s very pretty. That’s all i can really say. So, why am I killing her in this scenario? Out of pure ignorance. She could be a witch for all i know…or she could be saint. I have no idea and typing words into google to check is way to time consuming for a game this dumb. So, I’ll just cut my loses and go with the apathetic kill. Sorry bron, bron!

F/M/K – Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Marry: Saturday
Soooo easy for me. As a guy who doesn’t work a normal job, this question actually takes on different meanings. My mondays are mostly likely not like you’re mondays (unless you happen to blissfully unemployed). But saturdays…That’s when everything is great. I go out with my girl for some delicious lunch (or brunch if you wanna be an asshole about it). I chill, then I go play basketball. Then I come home, eat some more and probably go out with my friends. To me, that’s a perfect day. Food, basketball, friends. If I had a theme restaurant , that would be the tagline “Come to Tony’s House of Lamb Flanks: Food ,basketball and friends”

Fuck: Friday
Friday is a fuck of a night for most people. For you, it might mean that time when you cut loose after a hard week. For me, it’s more typically date night. Either way, it doesn’t have the complete majesty of a saturday but it’s still pretty good. A good friday can definitely set your saturday back though so, when fucking friday, go easy on her/him. You fuck too hard and you’ll spend your saturday in bed , holding your sore vagina/butthole all day.

Kill: Sunday
This is my hangover day in general. Fuck this day. The only thing good about sundays to me is the TV they play. WHile I will miss that, I won’t miss feeling like I have a case of short term AIDS for the majority of the day due to the drinks I drank the night before. For you working people, Sunday is a reminder that “hey bro, tomorrow is back to the grindstone”. There is no joy in anticipation of tomorrow when tomorrow is a guaranteed shit show. I’d imagine church goers might argue this day is the best but I’m not one of them and , of course, the shittiest day of the weekend would be “The lords day”. He shoulda picked saturday. just sayin’.

F/M/K: 80′s wrestling ladies edition: Luna Vachon, Miss Elisabeth, Alundra Blayze

Kill: Luna Vachon
Jesus christ. Kill it with fire. Kill it before it kills me. This lady looks like Herc from “The Wire” with a wig on , dressed like a road warrior extra. Actually, now that I think about it, she would be an amazing Halloween costume for a drag queen.
Whatever, she is terrifying. Both from a physical and general looks view point. She could very likely kick my ass…which , contrary to what some of you creeps might think, is not an attractive quality.

Fuck:Alundra Blayze
Alundra Blayze e
There are huge pockets of men out there who are very attracted to a girl like this. Not just the Mr. Cee’s of the world either.She’s a real Robert Crumb type. Strong, tall and with a jawline that makes you go “Wait…are you? you got tits though…but wait…” as you galnce down at her tights to check for a lump. She is a manly lady, no doubt. But, she spells Blaze with a “Y” so you know she’s real, guys. I’ll tell you one thing, looking through these google pics, she LOVES america. And what’s more american than having uncomfortable sex with a girl you’re not 100% is totally a girl? Not much, bro, not much.

Marry: Miss Elisabeth
I had her posters on my wall. When I used to watch wrestling, she was that flower that grew out of the concrete. It’s funny how your brain sees things when you’re an kid. Seeing her now, she was basically like the living embodiment of a mall food court and very likely did pounds of coke off Macho Man’s pimple filled back. But back in the day? I assumed she shit diamonds and spoke like 15 different languages fluently…She was lovely , goddamnit! So, in honor of my youthful optimism, I thee wed. Also, have you looked at the other two choices? Shit is a no brainer.

F/M/K:beard ,mustache ,goatee

Marry: Beard
John Hamm, Jennifer Westfeldt
Beards are the best cause they’re easy to maintain (you just let them grow), they’re manly and they keep you warm. They also are great for hiding your fat fucking face or keeping people in the dark that, when clean shaven, you look like that pussy from “Boy meets world”. Also, due to some weird shit in the water, ladies seem to be open to beards nowadays. I don’t know if it’s some daddy issues , respect for santa or some genetic desire to love cavemen but more and more really hot girls are down with a slovenly looking dude these days. So, score one for bearded guys.

The mustache is definitely a fuck. It’s a novelty. Sure, some dudes grow them and mean it but they’re all either leather boys, cops or mixologists. For most guys, a mustache is something you rock for a little bit and have fun with, then shave off and live you life as a normal person once again. I’ve noticed that really good looking dudes like to grow just a mustache sometimes. As if to test their own good looks. Like “She liked me last week..but will she still wanna have sex with me if I have just a mustache?!?!” (The answer is “yes” , good looking guy. She will do whatever you say. You’re that good looking. Prick).

Kill: Goatee
Maybe in the 90’s this would have been a tough choice but nowadays? It’s a wrap on goatees. Only slovenly roadies/sound guys, chubby latino men and weirdo religious southerners who tuck in their t-shirts have goatees anymore. While it is a slightly more doable look than, say, just a soul patch, it’s just not a viable anymore. The whole beard wave has made people who sculpt their facial hair look like total sissies. Oh word, you’re gonna manicure your goatee? Nice. Be sure to trim the double chin layer so there is a hunk of freshly shaven fat right beneath your chin that looks like a delicious slab of pork waiting to cooked on a grill. I’m hungry.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 28

What’s up?
Time for another installment of Fuck/marry/kill, America’s favorite board game that the whole family can play!
As always, I must preface this with me reminding you that this is all jokes. I’m well aware that I don’t possess the power to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things. So, you know, if you find this kinda thing offended jut remember you’re the one who’s reading an article entitled “Fuck/marry/kill”. It’s not exactly a misleading title.
Anyway, if you have any good F/m/K options you’d like me to take a whirl at in future columns, leave them in the comment section below. I’m open to all ideas but , just know, I’ve done a lot of these so it might be time to get creative.
Okay…on with the show.

F/M/K/: Known scientologist edition
Erika Christensen, Bijou Phillips, Elisabeth Moss

Fuck: Bijou Phillips
This scraggle teethed goon has been on my hit list forever. Perhaps it’s cause she was so awesome in the movies “Bully” and “Havoc” where she basically plays the same character: An awful piece of trashy shit who looks amazing naked.
One thing is clear, Philips has lived a life. She was out clubbing when she was like 13 and probably doing mad amounts of drugs well into her 20’s. She’s weird looking but, goddamnit, I think she’s hot. I have no rhyme or reason (well, I got some reasons) but she does it for me. That said, marrying her would be the worst idea ever as who the hell knows what that would entail. Her unpredictability is both a gift and curse in this situation.

Marry: Elisabeth Moss
Elizabeth Moss
(yes, I picked the best possible picture of her I could find. I’m marrying her, for christs sake!)
This is a hard pick cause I’m not really attracted to her. She kinda looks like a Pekingese dog to me. Like she always looks slightly terrified. But there is something lovable about her and that leads me to believe she’d make the best wife of the three choices above. She dated Fred Armisen which is, well, interesting. I dunno…I think she just kinda wins this one by default.

Kill: Erika Christensen
You know life is an uphill battle when you’re that actress who everyone else thinks is Julia Styles. That plain as plain can be ,pan face swag is not a swag you really want. But, sadly, both Christensen and Styles have it. Although , I will say that Christensen does have an edge to her. Mainly she has a body. Also, She seems crazy. I mean, shit, she’s a scientologist so that’s half true but, beyond that, she seems a little nutty. For some, that might be a turn on cause, often, crazy equals good sex but , i dunno…I feel like a crazy scientologist might just mean she’ll stick moon rocks up my ass and then make me takes some weird word association test. I want no part of that.

F/m/K: Ipod, Discman, Walkman

Marry: Ipod
I’m not stupid. I know that times change and getting stranded in the way things were is pointless. So, if you’re a person who can possibly rationalize not marrying the Ipod, go fuck your self. You’re lying. Not only does it hold endless music but it also is basically a cell phone that doesn’t make phone calls. I can play candy crush on that shit! What!?!?!?
Easy choice. Not even close and that’s coming from a dude with tons of nostalgic connections to all that old school shit. But still…it’s 2013 and gimmie a fucking break.

Fuck: Walkman
I mentioned above my nostalgic connection. Well, i was a walkman wearing motherfucker for most of my life. I was that kid who always had headphones draped around his neck. I made mix tapes for myself to listen to and that, in itself, was a special thing to me. Fitting as many songs on a 90 minute tape as I could to maximize my listening pleasure. It really honed my “making mixes for girls” skills that would later get me laid. Sure, you had to rewind and fast forward manually but that was all part of the interactive feeling you had with music during that time. Flipping tapes over, studying liner notes…all that stuff is cause of cassettes and , i feel, led to a more intimate relationship with the music.

I was hyped on Discman when they dropped. Skipping songs was never easier and you could make mixes in like 20 seconds. However, as someone who was walking everywhere, discman failed. They would skip all the time and , if your cd got scratched, you were screwed. I owned my fair share of them over the years but I never felt connected to them like I did my walkmen. I also got robbed for one of them when I was in high school so that’s still a sour point in my mind.
The way I see it, you either go all the way with technology like an Ipod or keep it simple like a walkman. The discman was an uncomfortable in between.

Fuck/Marry/Kill,the “Scrubs” edition:
Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Christa Miller

Kill: Christa Miller
Maybe it’s cause I’ve actually seen the show Scrubs before and it swayed me but, from what I understand, she has plastic surgery on her face. To me, that’s a no go. No one had ever looked better in their 40’s cause they got botoxed and weird lip work done. She’s pretty in a midwestern Milf kinda way but the work she’s had done is just too big a turn off. Perhaps the technique used to kill her could be something involving her being melted down so her parts stay biodegradable.

Fuck: Sarah Chalke
I’ve always thought she was cute. Even when she became the second Becky on “Roseanne”. She’s very all american looking to me and, honestly, that’s kinda boring. So, while she could be marriage material, she could also be a cadaver in bed and make my life miserable. Only one way to find out! On the downside, if she is actually a good time, I may have made the wrong choice. But, hey, i’m not really a gambling man so I like to play it safe in situations like this. Did I mention that, in real life, she probably wouldn’t fuck me for a million dollars? I felt i should clarify that right about now.

Marry: Judy Reyes
I’ve mentioned the thing all NYC white boys have for latina women before…we grew up slobbering over them in high school and mostly getting rejected so it’s a hard crush that doesn’t ever seem to go away. I don’t even think Judy Reyes is particularly that hot…but she’s got “it”. If I knew her in high school, I’d be that dude sitting at the lunch table with her trying to make her laugh while she’s just like “Oh my god, nigga, you are so corny.shut uppp!” all day…and I’d love it. This pick is simply just engrained in my DNA , it would seem.

F/M/K:Tarantino movies, Spike Lee movies, Michael Bay movies

Marry: Tarantino movies
Some people like to find reasons to hate on Tarantino movies. They try REALLY hard. Like I wish I could apply that much energy to anything. However, in general, they tend to be uber-annoying contrarians so fuck those people. I , for one, think he’s awesome. He went from someone who made really entertaining action/art films to someone who simply found his groove and now makes amazing exploitation films with great dialogue and acting. That’s kinda of the perfect movie. You can put on most of his films and any point and just watch them. They’re just extremely entertaining and well made. Sure, they have flaws but what marriage doesn’t?

Fuck:Spike Lee
This was actually a tough choice. Cause, if Michael Bay movies were a girl, they’d be a blonde with fake tits , flat stomach and vagina that hasn’t had hair on it since the 90’s. She’d also be a coke head though. With Spike lee, it’s a mixed bag. He’s made some good movies. he’s made some bad movies. And , more frequently, he’s made a good movie with a terrible ending. No director eats more shit in the last 15 minutes of his movies than Spike lee. It’s too bad too cause, when he’s good, he’s awesome. Anyway, I’d “Fuck” his movies cause they do have value and ,even though the end of the sex might be lame, at least the foreplay would be awesome. Where as if I were to fuck a Michael Bay movie, my asshole would probably end up getting fisted against my will and there would be explosions.

Kill: Michael Bay
Really, his movie would fuck me way before I could fuck it. So, in order to avoid that, i’mma kill him. He makes balls to walls, dumb, loud movies for people who like explosions. don’t get it twisted…he’s made a few good ones. But, for the most part, he makes fucking awful 2.5 hour long music videos with way too many slow motion shots of people walking away from expolosions. Killing his movies might hurt the film industry but I’m pretty sure the national IQ would raise a little bit as a result.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 27

Good day everyone. Time for another installment of fuck/marry/kill. You know the game. You’ve hung with frat boys who played it. Well, as a person who loves giving deeper thoughts to really stupid topics, this is my spin on it. As always, please don’t take any of this seriously. It’s all just for fun. I’m fully aware I have no right to actually choose who I fuck , marry or kill in any of these scenarios. It’s for fun, guys. Relax.
If you have nay funny ideas for fuck/marry/kill options, lemme hear them Please be creative. Avoid people like madonna, lady gaga, katy Perry ect…they’ve all be done endlessly. Either leave ideas in the comment section or mail them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com

Anyway, let’s get into it…

F/M/K: danielle fishel, kimmy gibler, Harriet from small wonder

Marry:Danielle Fishel
Little know fact for all you youngsters out there, any straight male who grew up in the 80’s and early 90’s has had some sort of crush on Topanga. It’s a truth that it not designated to any race, class or culture. It defies personal tastes. It just is. It’s funny cause I never even watched “Boy meets world” but I’m no different than the rest. I’d flip by it on TV and stop for a second like “hmm…I’d like to have sex with that slightly chubby, big lipped jewess”. So clearly, based on the strength of those formidable years, Fishel would be wifed. Not to mention, she looks better now than she ever has.
(Side note: If you’re planning on being that guy who writes in the comment section “Nah dude, she was always gross to me” please don’t. It’s not that I don’t believe you feel that way, I simply don’t give a fuck about your opinion)

Kill: Kimmy Gibler
Pretty easy choice here as she was seemingly created with murder in mind. She was too old to be precocious and too young to sexualized in any way that wasn’t totally gross. What she was, was a weird little freckled face annoyance. She reminded all of us of that one girl in class who we loathed deeply. The Kimmy Gibler I went to grade school with was named Maggie. She suuuuuuuuucked. I recently came across her facebook page and , surprisingly, she turned out to be a very attractive woman who married some soccer player dude. She has fake tits though so I feel like she probably still sucks on some level.

Fuck:Harriet from small wonder
(The picture above is all I could find. It certainly doesn’t help my case for this pick and it also makes me look like a total creep…just know I’m not)
This one is a personal choice but it’s cause there is a story behind it. For those who don’t recall, Harriet was the annoying next door neighbor girl/ginger on the show “Small Wonder”. She was Kimmy Gibler before Kimmy Gibler existed. However, one of my good friends lost his virginity to her when he was 13. He used to tell us stories about it and, I gotta say, as a teen, they resonated pretty deeply. Especially the parts about her huge tits. So, because of that, she’s always be a little sexier to me, even though she’s pretty unattractive in reality. Oh, and did I mention my friend who had sex with her was also a ginger? Thus disproving the theory that two gingers cannot have sex with one another without spontaneously combusting.

F/M/K:Coachella Girl, Burning man girl, SXSW Girl

Fuck: Coachella Girl
They’re a little hippie dippy for me and they wear those fucking rose garlands everywhere but I’m not blind. Girls at Coachella are hot. This is not debatable. I’ve never been but the pictures I’ve seen speak truths. It’s somewhere between Woodstock and Williamsburg. So, as much as that’s not really my type, I’d be full of shit if I were to say it’s not my penis’ type. Then again, my penis has never been that picky when it came to the fashion choices of whom it was inside. Truth be told, I’d probably bone a hot juggalo if she had a clean bill of health that could be proven emphatically to me on the spot.

Marry: SXSW girl
I think this pick is more due to the variety of girls at SXSW. There’s a little of everything there. So, really, by choosing a SXSW girl, I’m just leaving the door wide open for who I walk down the aisle with. It could be some hipster chick in cowboy boots, it could be some asian break dancer nerd, it could be some tatted up rock girl. You never know what you’re gonna get there. One thing is certain though, she’s probably gonna be fucking hammered on a regular basis.

Kill: Burning man girl
burning man hula girl curious josh
A few reasons for this one:
1)WAY too hippie-d out for me,
2)I don’t trust the hygiene practices of a girl who washing her body with hot sand for a week.
3)While they do have a nice “Free love” vibe, I’m not into the idea of getting caught up in some orgy with a girl covered in henna and a guy with earlobe gauges so big, I could fuck them (does that count as gay?).
4)I’m not into the whole road warrior meets a pixie clothing style they got popping off over there. Some of these girls are obscenely hot but it’s almost too much. It’s like raving in the apocalypse and I just don’t know if there’d be time for that if the shit actually hit the fan.
5) I’m simply not enough of a drug guy to even be in the same room with most of those people for any extended amount of time.

F/M/K:Fiona Apple, Lianne La Havas, Norah Jones

Fuck: Lianna La Havas
I was fully ready to kill her cause, truth be told, I’ve never heard of her…then I googled her and …well, goddamn. She’s beautiful. I figure, if I’m gonna be shallow and uninformed, this is that time. No clue what her music is like…for all I know it could sound like Macy Gray being beaten to death with a Ukelele. Not an issue. sometimes you just got to judge a book by it’s cover and this cover gives me a boner.

Marry: Norah Jones
She’s just so fucking marry-able. She’s super cute, seems cool and even has a good sense of humor. Also, I’m trying to get some of that Shankar money, son!
But for real, there’s really not much to dislike about her. Even her music , while not at all my shit, is respectable at worst. You go gurllll…

Kill: Fiona Apple
This was a tough choice and one I wish I didn’t have to make. I’m a huge fan of hers. I even knew her (from a far) in high school as she went to the night school that was in my high school and would work in the office during the day. I can’t stress enough how insanely hot she was back then (she’s still pretty currently but back then…goddamn). Like, “walk by the office 4 times for no reason to steal a peak” hot. So, know that between my love of her music, my respect for her as a musician and the fact I have some connection to her (Truth be told, I maybe said one word to her ever…she was too hot to talk to) That I do this with a heavy heart.
So, why? Why would I kill her? Well, partially by default. The other options simply are more appealing. But, more than that, I’d do it cause I get the feeling she’s kinda crazy. In fact, I think she’d admit to that herself. And while there is the idea that crazy people have better sex, I could see things getting really dark with her. I don’t do well with volatile people in general and she seems like the type who would scratch a motherfuckers eyeballs out over nothing but then go write an amazing song about it. So, while I’d be doing music in general a disservice with this choice, it’s the only way I could go. Thank god this game isn’t real though…cause I’d be a murderer and that’s a really bad look.

F/M/K Jazz, Classical, Blues
Kill: Classical music
I’m sorry…I’m a fucking heathen I know…but I simply cannot pretend to give a fuck about classical music. I’m aware of it’s importance and the genius behind it but I simply have no connection to it. When I listen it takes me to a special place…a place where i immediately pass out from boredom. So, sorry Bach! You getting chopped, brah.

Truth be told, I don’t listen to much jazz anymore. Mainly cause I don’t like much music without vocals. I love jazz with vocals though so that’s part of the reason I picked to marry it. But, beyond that, I do have fond memories of listening to all sorts of jazz back in the day (I was raised on the stuff) as well digging through records and pulling out samples from it. So, while I’m not as enamored with it as I once was, it’s still okay in my book. It certainly never annoys me. unless we’re talking free jazz…in which case, I’d kill that motherfucker quick. Cool track of you banging on a pot while tuning your upright bass , guy.

Fuck: Blues

The thing about the blues is that is can be powerful but, at the same time, it all kinda sounds the same after a while. For that reason, a one off works for me. One blues song can be life altering, 15 blues songs and you’re ready to actually sing the blues about how bored you are with the blues. It should also be noted that blues is one of the main influences on all popular music nowadays so there’s that too. But that’s kinda like saying “That girl is kind of attractive but her mom had a magical vagina so…I think I’ll hit it”. Well, yeah, I’m basically saying that.