Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 29

It is time once again for the game we all know and love. Fuck/marry/kill. Well, actually, some of you hate it cause you take everything way too seriously and think I’m being sexist. So, just to clarify, this is all jokes. You realize , for half of these, I’m fucking, marrying and killing things that cannot be fucked, married or killed, right? Part of the fun of these is being able to be ridiculous about them. And where the women are concerned, know that I’m aware this is all made up and have desire to actually do anything to any of these women (well, I’d fuck a few of them…) nor do I think they’d do anything but “Kill” me if given the choice. Now that I’ve explained that to you and drained all possible humor out of the idea, let’s get back into it. If you have any interesting/off center ideas of people/things/places you’d like me to fuck marry or kill, leave them in the comments below. I’m always looking for new ideas and these are all reader submitted.
And now, on with the show…

NBA girls Edition:Vanessa Bryant, Kate Upton, Savannah Brinson

Fuck: Kate Upton
Not quite sure what she did to get on this list. Pretty sure she’s not dating or married to a basketball player, but hey, I’m not complaining. Upton is obviously beautiful an seemingly created in the mind of a 14 year old boy furiously masturbating. All that’s missing is a PS4 built into her back and that theory would be spot on. Anyway, some of you may be asking, why not marry her? Well, this is gonna sound terrible but I don’t see her aging gracefully. Not that I’m one to talk but by the time she hits 30, the world will be speaking very differently about Mrs. Upton. So, I’m more of the “Get it while it’s still great” mind set on this one.

Marry: Vanessa Bryant
It’s hard to find a pic of her without a forced smile or a scowl on it. I wonder why? oh yeah…cause her piece of shit husband sodomized some girl in a hotel a few years back and she opted to stay with him. On one hand that’s unheard of loyalty (certainly a very marriage worthy trait). On the other, she might just be in it for the long sting and planning on milking Kobe for all he’s worth (a ploy I’m not mad at cause, hey, he did cheat). Either way, I’ve always thought she was pretty fly and , even if her “Stand by my man” angle is tainted, she might actually not be a terrible person. Then again, she may have stayed married with him just so she can hold it over his head for the rest of his life and he’s basically her slave. Who knows…this is a tough one. I feel like I’m talking myself out of it. hmm…Nah, fuck it…At the very least she’d be appreciative of a non-cheater and it would give me even more reason to hate Kobe than I already do. WORTH IT.

Kill:Savannah Brinson
Truth be told, I didn’t even know who this was. I knew lebron got married (Dumbest choice ever for a pro athlete in his 20’s, btw) but I didn’t know it was to her. Well, She’s very pretty. That’s all i can really say. So, why am I killing her in this scenario? Out of pure ignorance. She could be a witch for all i know…or she could be saint. I have no idea and typing words into google to check is way to time consuming for a game this dumb. So, I’ll just cut my loses and go with the apathetic kill. Sorry bron, bron!

F/M/K – Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Marry: Saturday
Soooo easy for me. As a guy who doesn’t work a normal job, this question actually takes on different meanings. My mondays are mostly likely not like you’re mondays (unless you happen to blissfully unemployed). But saturdays…That’s when everything is great. I go out with my girl for some delicious lunch (or brunch if you wanna be an asshole about it). I chill, then I go play basketball. Then I come home, eat some more and probably go out with my friends. To me, that’s a perfect day. Food, basketball, friends. If I had a theme restaurant , that would be the tagline “Come to Tony’s House of Lamb Flanks: Food ,basketball and friends”

Fuck: Friday
Friday is a fuck of a night for most people. For you, it might mean that time when you cut loose after a hard week. For me, it’s more typically date night. Either way, it doesn’t have the complete majesty of a saturday but it’s still pretty good. A good friday can definitely set your saturday back though so, when fucking friday, go easy on her/him. You fuck too hard and you’ll spend your saturday in bed , holding your sore vagina/butthole all day.

Kill: Sunday
This is my hangover day in general. Fuck this day. The only thing good about sundays to me is the TV they play. WHile I will miss that, I won’t miss feeling like I have a case of short term AIDS for the majority of the day due to the drinks I drank the night before. For you working people, Sunday is a reminder that “hey bro, tomorrow is back to the grindstone”. There is no joy in anticipation of tomorrow when tomorrow is a guaranteed shit show. I’d imagine church goers might argue this day is the best but I’m not one of them and , of course, the shittiest day of the weekend would be “The lords day”. He shoulda picked saturday. just sayin’.

F/M/K: 80′s wrestling ladies edition: Luna Vachon, Miss Elisabeth, Alundra Blayze

Kill: Luna Vachon
Jesus christ. Kill it with fire. Kill it before it kills me. This lady looks like Herc from “The Wire” with a wig on , dressed like a road warrior extra. Actually, now that I think about it, she would be an amazing Halloween costume for a drag queen.
Whatever, she is terrifying. Both from a physical and general looks view point. She could very likely kick my ass…which , contrary to what some of you creeps might think, is not an attractive quality.

Fuck:Alundra Blayze
Alundra Blayze e
There are huge pockets of men out there who are very attracted to a girl like this. Not just the Mr. Cee’s of the world either.She’s a real Robert Crumb type. Strong, tall and with a jawline that makes you go “Wait…are you? you got tits though…but wait…” as you galnce down at her tights to check for a lump. She is a manly lady, no doubt. But, she spells Blaze with a “Y” so you know she’s real, guys. I’ll tell you one thing, looking through these google pics, she LOVES america. And what’s more american than having uncomfortable sex with a girl you’re not 100% is totally a girl? Not much, bro, not much.

Marry: Miss Elisabeth
I had her posters on my wall. When I used to watch wrestling, she was that flower that grew out of the concrete. It’s funny how your brain sees things when you’re an kid. Seeing her now, she was basically like the living embodiment of a mall food court and very likely did pounds of coke off Macho Man’s pimple filled back. But back in the day? I assumed she shit diamonds and spoke like 15 different languages fluently…She was lovely , goddamnit! So, in honor of my youthful optimism, I thee wed. Also, have you looked at the other two choices? Shit is a no brainer.

F/M/K:beard ,mustache ,goatee

Marry: Beard
John Hamm, Jennifer Westfeldt
Beards are the best cause they’re easy to maintain (you just let them grow), they’re manly and they keep you warm. They also are great for hiding your fat fucking face or keeping people in the dark that, when clean shaven, you look like that pussy from “Boy meets world”. Also, due to some weird shit in the water, ladies seem to be open to beards nowadays. I don’t know if it’s some daddy issues , respect for santa or some genetic desire to love cavemen but more and more really hot girls are down with a slovenly looking dude these days. So, score one for bearded guys.

The mustache is definitely a fuck. It’s a novelty. Sure, some dudes grow them and mean it but they’re all either leather boys, cops or mixologists. For most guys, a mustache is something you rock for a little bit and have fun with, then shave off and live you life as a normal person once again. I’ve noticed that really good looking dudes like to grow just a mustache sometimes. As if to test their own good looks. Like “She liked me last week..but will she still wanna have sex with me if I have just a mustache?!?!” (The answer is “yes” , good looking guy. She will do whatever you say. You’re that good looking. Prick).

Kill: Goatee
Maybe in the 90’s this would have been a tough choice but nowadays? It’s a wrap on goatees. Only slovenly roadies/sound guys, chubby latino men and weirdo religious southerners who tuck in their t-shirts have goatees anymore. While it is a slightly more doable look than, say, just a soul patch, it’s just not a viable anymore. The whole beard wave has made people who sculpt their facial hair look like total sissies. Oh word, you’re gonna manicure your goatee? Nice. Be sure to trim the double chin layer so there is a hunk of freshly shaven fat right beneath your chin that looks like a delicious slab of pork waiting to cooked on a grill. I’m hungry.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 28

What’s up?
Time for another installment of Fuck/marry/kill, America’s favorite board game that the whole family can play!
As always, I must preface this with me reminding you that this is all jokes. I’m well aware that I don’t possess the power to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things. So, you know, if you find this kinda thing offended jut remember you’re the one who’s reading an article entitled “Fuck/marry/kill”. It’s not exactly a misleading title.
Anyway, if you have any good F/m/K options you’d like me to take a whirl at in future columns, leave them in the comment section below. I’m open to all ideas but , just know, I’ve done a lot of these so it might be time to get creative.
Okay…on with the show.

F/M/K/: Known scientologist edition
Erika Christensen, Bijou Phillips, Elisabeth Moss

Fuck: Bijou Phillips
This scraggle teethed goon has been on my hit list forever. Perhaps it’s cause she was so awesome in the movies “Bully” and “Havoc” where she basically plays the same character: An awful piece of trashy shit who looks amazing naked.
One thing is clear, Philips has lived a life. She was out clubbing when she was like 13 and probably doing mad amounts of drugs well into her 20’s. She’s weird looking but, goddamnit, I think she’s hot. I have no rhyme or reason (well, I got some reasons) but she does it for me. That said, marrying her would be the worst idea ever as who the hell knows what that would entail. Her unpredictability is both a gift and curse in this situation.

Marry: Elisabeth Moss
Elizabeth Moss
(yes, I picked the best possible picture of her I could find. I’m marrying her, for christs sake!)
This is a hard pick cause I’m not really attracted to her. She kinda looks like a Pekingese dog to me. Like she always looks slightly terrified. But there is something lovable about her and that leads me to believe she’d make the best wife of the three choices above. She dated Fred Armisen which is, well, interesting. I dunno…I think she just kinda wins this one by default.

Kill: Erika Christensen
You know life is an uphill battle when you’re that actress who everyone else thinks is Julia Styles. That plain as plain can be ,pan face swag is not a swag you really want. But, sadly, both Christensen and Styles have it. Although , I will say that Christensen does have an edge to her. Mainly she has a body. Also, She seems crazy. I mean, shit, she’s a scientologist so that’s half true but, beyond that, she seems a little nutty. For some, that might be a turn on cause, often, crazy equals good sex but , i dunno…I feel like a crazy scientologist might just mean she’ll stick moon rocks up my ass and then make me takes some weird word association test. I want no part of that.

F/m/K: Ipod, Discman, Walkman

Marry: Ipod
I’m not stupid. I know that times change and getting stranded in the way things were is pointless. So, if you’re a person who can possibly rationalize not marrying the Ipod, go fuck your self. You’re lying. Not only does it hold endless music but it also is basically a cell phone that doesn’t make phone calls. I can play candy crush on that shit! What!?!?!?
Easy choice. Not even close and that’s coming from a dude with tons of nostalgic connections to all that old school shit. But still…it’s 2013 and gimmie a fucking break.

Fuck: Walkman
I mentioned above my nostalgic connection. Well, i was a walkman wearing motherfucker for most of my life. I was that kid who always had headphones draped around his neck. I made mix tapes for myself to listen to and that, in itself, was a special thing to me. Fitting as many songs on a 90 minute tape as I could to maximize my listening pleasure. It really honed my “making mixes for girls” skills that would later get me laid. Sure, you had to rewind and fast forward manually but that was all part of the interactive feeling you had with music during that time. Flipping tapes over, studying liner notes…all that stuff is cause of cassettes and , i feel, led to a more intimate relationship with the music.

I was hyped on Discman when they dropped. Skipping songs was never easier and you could make mixes in like 20 seconds. However, as someone who was walking everywhere, discman failed. They would skip all the time and , if your cd got scratched, you were screwed. I owned my fair share of them over the years but I never felt connected to them like I did my walkmen. I also got robbed for one of them when I was in high school so that’s still a sour point in my mind.
The way I see it, you either go all the way with technology like an Ipod or keep it simple like a walkman. The discman was an uncomfortable in between.

Fuck/Marry/Kill,the “Scrubs” edition:
Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Christa Miller

Kill: Christa Miller
Maybe it’s cause I’ve actually seen the show Scrubs before and it swayed me but, from what I understand, she has plastic surgery on her face. To me, that’s a no go. No one had ever looked better in their 40’s cause they got botoxed and weird lip work done. She’s pretty in a midwestern Milf kinda way but the work she’s had done is just too big a turn off. Perhaps the technique used to kill her could be something involving her being melted down so her parts stay biodegradable.

Fuck: Sarah Chalke
I’ve always thought she was cute. Even when she became the second Becky on “Roseanne”. She’s very all american looking to me and, honestly, that’s kinda boring. So, while she could be marriage material, she could also be a cadaver in bed and make my life miserable. Only one way to find out! On the downside, if she is actually a good time, I may have made the wrong choice. But, hey, i’m not really a gambling man so I like to play it safe in situations like this. Did I mention that, in real life, she probably wouldn’t fuck me for a million dollars? I felt i should clarify that right about now.

Marry: Judy Reyes
I’ve mentioned the thing all NYC white boys have for latina women before…we grew up slobbering over them in high school and mostly getting rejected so it’s a hard crush that doesn’t ever seem to go away. I don’t even think Judy Reyes is particularly that hot…but she’s got “it”. If I knew her in high school, I’d be that dude sitting at the lunch table with her trying to make her laugh while she’s just like “Oh my god, nigga, you are so corny.shut uppp!” all day…and I’d love it. This pick is simply just engrained in my DNA , it would seem.

F/M/K:Tarantino movies, Spike Lee movies, Michael Bay movies

Marry: Tarantino movies
Some people like to find reasons to hate on Tarantino movies. They try REALLY hard. Like I wish I could apply that much energy to anything. However, in general, they tend to be uber-annoying contrarians so fuck those people. I , for one, think he’s awesome. He went from someone who made really entertaining action/art films to someone who simply found his groove and now makes amazing exploitation films with great dialogue and acting. That’s kinda of the perfect movie. You can put on most of his films and any point and just watch them. They’re just extremely entertaining and well made. Sure, they have flaws but what marriage doesn’t?

Fuck:Spike Lee
This was actually a tough choice. Cause, if Michael Bay movies were a girl, they’d be a blonde with fake tits , flat stomach and vagina that hasn’t had hair on it since the 90’s. She’d also be a coke head though. With Spike lee, it’s a mixed bag. He’s made some good movies. he’s made some bad movies. And , more frequently, he’s made a good movie with a terrible ending. No director eats more shit in the last 15 minutes of his movies than Spike lee. It’s too bad too cause, when he’s good, he’s awesome. Anyway, I’d “Fuck” his movies cause they do have value and ,even though the end of the sex might be lame, at least the foreplay would be awesome. Where as if I were to fuck a Michael Bay movie, my asshole would probably end up getting fisted against my will and there would be explosions.

Kill: Michael Bay
Really, his movie would fuck me way before I could fuck it. So, in order to avoid that, i’mma kill him. He makes balls to walls, dumb, loud movies for people who like explosions. don’t get it twisted…he’s made a few good ones. But, for the most part, he makes fucking awful 2.5 hour long music videos with way too many slow motion shots of people walking away from expolosions. Killing his movies might hurt the film industry but I’m pretty sure the national IQ would raise a little bit as a result.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol 27

Good day everyone. Time for another installment of fuck/marry/kill. You know the game. You’ve hung with frat boys who played it. Well, as a person who loves giving deeper thoughts to really stupid topics, this is my spin on it. As always, please don’t take any of this seriously. It’s all just for fun. I’m fully aware I have no right to actually choose who I fuck , marry or kill in any of these scenarios. It’s for fun, guys. Relax.
If you have nay funny ideas for fuck/marry/kill options, lemme hear them Please be creative. Avoid people like madonna, lady gaga, katy Perry ect…they’ve all be done endlessly. Either leave ideas in the comment section or mail them to me at phatfriendblog@gmail.com

Anyway, let’s get into it…

F/M/K: danielle fishel, kimmy gibler, Harriet from small wonder

Marry:Danielle Fishel
Little know fact for all you youngsters out there, any straight male who grew up in the 80’s and early 90’s has had some sort of crush on Topanga. It’s a truth that it not designated to any race, class or culture. It defies personal tastes. It just is. It’s funny cause I never even watched “Boy meets world” but I’m no different than the rest. I’d flip by it on TV and stop for a second like “hmm…I’d like to have sex with that slightly chubby, big lipped jewess”. So clearly, based on the strength of those formidable years, Fishel would be wifed. Not to mention, she looks better now than she ever has.
(Side note: If you’re planning on being that guy who writes in the comment section “Nah dude, she was always gross to me” please don’t. It’s not that I don’t believe you feel that way, I simply don’t give a fuck about your opinion)

Kill: Kimmy Gibler
Pretty easy choice here as she was seemingly created with murder in mind. She was too old to be precocious and too young to sexualized in any way that wasn’t totally gross. What she was, was a weird little freckled face annoyance. She reminded all of us of that one girl in class who we loathed deeply. The Kimmy Gibler I went to grade school with was named Maggie. She suuuuuuuuucked. I recently came across her facebook page and , surprisingly, she turned out to be a very attractive woman who married some soccer player dude. She has fake tits though so I feel like she probably still sucks on some level.

Fuck:Harriet from small wonder
(The picture above is all I could find. It certainly doesn’t help my case for this pick and it also makes me look like a total creep…just know I’m not)
This one is a personal choice but it’s cause there is a story behind it. For those who don’t recall, Harriet was the annoying next door neighbor girl/ginger on the show “Small Wonder”. She was Kimmy Gibler before Kimmy Gibler existed. However, one of my good friends lost his virginity to her when he was 13. He used to tell us stories about it and, I gotta say, as a teen, they resonated pretty deeply. Especially the parts about her huge tits. So, because of that, she’s always be a little sexier to me, even though she’s pretty unattractive in reality. Oh, and did I mention my friend who had sex with her was also a ginger? Thus disproving the theory that two gingers cannot have sex with one another without spontaneously combusting.

F/M/K:Coachella Girl, Burning man girl, SXSW Girl

Fuck: Coachella Girl
They’re a little hippie dippy for me and they wear those fucking rose garlands everywhere but I’m not blind. Girls at Coachella are hot. This is not debatable. I’ve never been but the pictures I’ve seen speak truths. It’s somewhere between Woodstock and Williamsburg. So, as much as that’s not really my type, I’d be full of shit if I were to say it’s not my penis’ type. Then again, my penis has never been that picky when it came to the fashion choices of whom it was inside. Truth be told, I’d probably bone a hot juggalo if she had a clean bill of health that could be proven emphatically to me on the spot.

Marry: SXSW girl
I think this pick is more due to the variety of girls at SXSW. There’s a little of everything there. So, really, by choosing a SXSW girl, I’m just leaving the door wide open for who I walk down the aisle with. It could be some hipster chick in cowboy boots, it could be some asian break dancer nerd, it could be some tatted up rock girl. You never know what you’re gonna get there. One thing is certain though, she’s probably gonna be fucking hammered on a regular basis.

Kill: Burning man girl
burning man hula girl curious josh
A few reasons for this one:
1)WAY too hippie-d out for me,
2)I don’t trust the hygiene practices of a girl who washing her body with hot sand for a week.
3)While they do have a nice “Free love” vibe, I’m not into the idea of getting caught up in some orgy with a girl covered in henna and a guy with earlobe gauges so big, I could fuck them (does that count as gay?).
4)I’m not into the whole road warrior meets a pixie clothing style they got popping off over there. Some of these girls are obscenely hot but it’s almost too much. It’s like raving in the apocalypse and I just don’t know if there’d be time for that if the shit actually hit the fan.
5) I’m simply not enough of a drug guy to even be in the same room with most of those people for any extended amount of time.

F/M/K:Fiona Apple, Lianne La Havas, Norah Jones

Fuck: Lianna La Havas
I was fully ready to kill her cause, truth be told, I’ve never heard of her…then I googled her and …well, goddamn. She’s beautiful. I figure, if I’m gonna be shallow and uninformed, this is that time. No clue what her music is like…for all I know it could sound like Macy Gray being beaten to death with a Ukelele. Not an issue. sometimes you just got to judge a book by it’s cover and this cover gives me a boner.

Marry: Norah Jones
She’s just so fucking marry-able. She’s super cute, seems cool and even has a good sense of humor. Also, I’m trying to get some of that Shankar money, son!
But for real, there’s really not much to dislike about her. Even her music , while not at all my shit, is respectable at worst. You go gurllll…

Kill: Fiona Apple
This was a tough choice and one I wish I didn’t have to make. I’m a huge fan of hers. I even knew her (from a far) in high school as she went to the night school that was in my high school and would work in the office during the day. I can’t stress enough how insanely hot she was back then (she’s still pretty currently but back then…goddamn). Like, “walk by the office 4 times for no reason to steal a peak” hot. So, know that between my love of her music, my respect for her as a musician and the fact I have some connection to her (Truth be told, I maybe said one word to her ever…she was too hot to talk to) That I do this with a heavy heart.
So, why? Why would I kill her? Well, partially by default. The other options simply are more appealing. But, more than that, I’d do it cause I get the feeling she’s kinda crazy. In fact, I think she’d admit to that herself. And while there is the idea that crazy people have better sex, I could see things getting really dark with her. I don’t do well with volatile people in general and she seems like the type who would scratch a motherfuckers eyeballs out over nothing but then go write an amazing song about it. So, while I’d be doing music in general a disservice with this choice, it’s the only way I could go. Thank god this game isn’t real though…cause I’d be a murderer and that’s a really bad look.

F/M/K Jazz, Classical, Blues
Kill: Classical music
I’m sorry…I’m a fucking heathen I know…but I simply cannot pretend to give a fuck about classical music. I’m aware of it’s importance and the genius behind it but I simply have no connection to it. When I listen it takes me to a special place…a place where i immediately pass out from boredom. So, sorry Bach! You getting chopped, brah.

Truth be told, I don’t listen to much jazz anymore. Mainly cause I don’t like much music without vocals. I love jazz with vocals though so that’s part of the reason I picked to marry it. But, beyond that, I do have fond memories of listening to all sorts of jazz back in the day (I was raised on the stuff) as well digging through records and pulling out samples from it. So, while I’m not as enamored with it as I once was, it’s still okay in my book. It certainly never annoys me. unless we’re talking free jazz…in which case, I’d kill that motherfucker quick. Cool track of you banging on a pot while tuning your upright bass , guy.

Fuck: Blues

The thing about the blues is that is can be powerful but, at the same time, it all kinda sounds the same after a while. For that reason, a one off works for me. One blues song can be life altering, 15 blues songs and you’re ready to actually sing the blues about how bored you are with the blues. It should also be noted that blues is one of the main influences on all popular music nowadays so there’s that too. But that’s kinda like saying “That girl is kind of attractive but her mom had a magical vagina so…I think I’ll hit it”. Well, yeah, I’m basically saying that.

Fuck/Marry/Kill Vol. 25

So, the last time I did this, for the first time ever since starting this column, I forgot to preface this with a “this is all in fun and not serious”. Obviously, by forgetting it that one week, someone got offended and made an issue about how degrading this column is. While I get where they were coming from (on the surface, this is pretty offensive stuff) there is also context and intent to be considered and the idea of “joking around” in general. Anyway, that got me thinking, So, this week, I’mma try something a little different. I usually do three people based options and then a non-human option. This week, I’m flipping it. One human option and three “other”. So, let’s see how that goes…I’m really just hoping this doesn’t offend pancakes, baseball or rum.
Okay..let’s get into it. First up…PEOPLE.
F/M/K – Kima Greggs, Skyler White,Daenerys Targaryen

Kill: Skyler White
Obviously. She’s a woman I think every dude in a relationship who watches that show has wanted to kill for a while now. The fucked up thing is that she’s the victim in a lot of what’s going on yet still finds a way to strike a nerve as a cold hearted shrew. Again, this defies every thing going on in her situation but , somehow , some way, she’s just so completely unlikable. Even if her husband has lost his mind and become a poor man’s scarface with an inflated nerd ego on fire. She still sucks. DEAD.

Marry:Kima Griggs
I’m not a guy who’s particularly hung up on marriage. So, in a way, marrying a lesbian is ideal for me. We’d both be able to do our thing and enjoy our lives. Then we could watch WNBA together like buddies. Not to mention, Kima has decent taste in ladies. I’ve never been one who really gives a shit about watching girls hook up with each other but it wouldn’t be a bummer to come home to some hot black lesbian action every now and then. If for nothing more than the possible run off that comes from that.

Fuck:Daenerys Targaryen
I’m sure every dude is reading this and is like “WHY DIDN’T YOU MARRY HER?!?!?!?”. Well, good point. She’s the best. She’s super hot, kind hearted and controls fucking dragons. The reason I opt out of that life is that I feel like the longterm with her equals an early death. People are gunning for her at all times and being her side piece can only last so long before someone puts a sword through your face. Also, I feel like her vagina might have Lava in it or something.

F/K/M Pancakes , Bacon and Eggs or Cereal

Fuck: Bacon and Eggs
I feel so deeply about bacon and eggs that I might literally fuck them is they asked me right. Clearly, marriage would work too but I feel like the high cholesterol would kill me off fairly quickly. But, really, what’s better than a nice bacon egg and cheese sammy the morning after a night of careless drinking? Still, it’s not an every day thing. Kinda like sex after the age of 35.

Marry: Cereal
Funny thing is, I don’t really ever eat cereal. I love it and it’s variety is what made me choose it to wed but, really, I can’t recall the last time I ate it. You know why? Cause I hate buying milk and being pressured to finish it before it goes bad. It’s like you got a gun to your head to finish a carton of milk. What if I don’t feel like eating 3 bowls of cereal a day? Without fail, I’m always left with no milk and like 1/3 filled box of cereal I no longer desire OR some bad milk and like 3/4’s of a box of cereal. I figure, through marriage, this would be magically fixed. Like Marrying cereal might somehow create the perfect milk in the house to cereal in the box ratio. Maybe I’m dreaming…but let a man dream.

Kill: Pancakes
Eh, fuck a pancake. I mean, I’ll eat them but I’m not a fucking 4 year old. I don’t want dessert for breakfast. This isn’t “Bill Cosby Himself” and I don’t need chocolate cake before I brush my teeth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlCPQur4hc
At best, I like to take a bite of someone else’s pancakes after I’ve eaten. just to get that sugar rush I desire after eating salty foods. Other than that? Fuck’em. Hang’em high.


Marry: NBA
It’s pretty much the only sport I actively watch and follow closely. Easily my favorite sport (and one of my favorite things in general). Why would I not marry it? I wish the NBA was year round. My girl would murder me cause she hates that I am addicted to fantasy basketball but, hey, she wouldn’t be my girl in this situation! Basketball would. And, I’ll tell you, Basketball would never complain to you about fantasizing about it. Basketball understands me.

Sorry. i don’t give a shit about Football. Never have. I didn’t grow up playing it so it never really resonated with me. FYI, I only fuck with sports I actually play. I play basketball. I’ve played tennis. I played little league for 7 years. Those are sports i can sit and watch on some level. Football? It’s a decent reason to eat wings but that’s about it. Still, it’s infinitely better than Soccer or Hockey. Sorry Canadians and people from every place other than the US. I hate your sports!
Side note: I actually did play soccer when I was a kid and I think I hate it even more because of that. It was like playing right field in softball for 3 hours at a time. And watching it is even more boring. It could use more decapitations.(JUST KIDDING!!!)

Fuck: Baseball
I’ve certainly lost interest in baseball over the last few years. I used to be obsessed with it but, i dunno…it’s a long ass season. It’s a long ass game. My home teams are both kinda whatever. That said, I will always have a small place in my heart for it. For that reason, I’d throw it a bone(r). I still enjoy playing MLB 2013 on my PS3 so that’s kinda like a porn version of the real thing. Quicker…more exciting. Surely I could scrounge up enough to throw it down one last time with a former lover.

F/m/K whiskey, vodka, rum

Fuck: Whiskey
Drunk baby
I like whiskey but it’s a once in a while kinda party for me. The dark liquor hurts the old mans soul the next day so a nice one off would suit me fine. Whiskey can be a fun drunk. It can also be a sloppy drunk. Two words that go nicely with sex. I only hope it wouldn’t cause Whiskey dick cause, man, wouldn’t that be ironic.

It’s my drink of choice. Sure, alone, it taste like rubbing alcohol. But it’s perfect for mixing. It’s light. It’s flexible. It’s one alcohol that you can really improvise with when it comes to mixers. All you got in your fridge is some flat diet coke and an orange? MAKE IT WORK. It’s reliable as well. While the hangover is no picnic, it’s also not a pussy drink. Sure, you can make a sissy cocktail with it but , personally, a little soda water and a lime suits me perfectly. I feel married to vodka already so this isn’t a big jump for me.

Kill: Rum
I had the worst experience of drinking in my life with rum. Granted , it was that spiced rum garbage but that fucking counts! To this day, when I see a captain morgan’s add, my stomach turns a little. Beyond that bad experience, I think rum sort of just exists to be drank on islands near sand. Drinking tropical drinks while standing in an irish sports bar on 37th street doesn’t really make sense to me. I pretty much only touch the stuff when it’s the only option. even then, I’m hesitant. So, sorry rum. You dead.