Hi there. It’s time once again for your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/Marry/Kill. you know the game. it’s dumb and played by morons across the globe. I’m no different. As always, i must preface this by saying it is not meant to be taken seriously whatsoever. I don’t actually think i could fuck, marry or kill any of these people/things/concepts. It’s for shits and giggles so, please, if you’re feeling like being outraged by something, do better. In a world full of injustices, this is not a worthy cause. Also, get out the house more, you fucking loser.
If you have any F/m/K options you’d like to submit, fire away. Leave them in the comment section below. Be creative cause this it’s the 50th volume. Not my first rodeo!

F/m/k- Rumer Willis, Mary Steenburgen, Kelly Osbourne

Marry: Mary Steenburgen

Gotta Marry Mary, bro.
She’s the pretty obvious choice to me. She’s aged incredibly well, seems like a cool lady and is not the other two. That’s about all it takes in this contest. There’s also the “old crush” factor as I’ve always thought she was cute from a young age so that kinda thing carries over. It’s really a cut and dry case.

Fuck: Rumer Willis

Sure, she kinda looks like an easter island statue or a white Rajon Rondo but, if Fuck/marry/kill is about anything, its about being blatantly shallow. Rumer willis has a really nice body. Sorry…she does. And, sometimes, that’s all you need when sex is the goal. Do girls do that? I feel like that’s a guy thing. Having sex with someone specifically cause you like their body. Like, i know I’ve heard girls talk about “butterfaces” before but do you guys actually go through with it just to get a hold of that bod? Like, would you have sex with Michael Phelps? Tough questions, i know. But these are the type of hard hitting realities that come up when you play a game as serious as “Fuck/marry/Kill”.

Kill:Kelly Osbourne

There is so much to disdain about her, this was an easy choice.
She seems like a total spoiled asshole. Entitled and mean. On top of that, she’s got one of those faces I just hate. Kinda…I dunno…downy. It’s not even her fault. There have been far more attractive famous people I’ve felt the same way about. There is just something about it that screams to me “naaahhhhhhh, b”. Like the opposite of pheromones.
I feel like many people might marry her in this equation just to sneak into that Ozzy Lineage but , personally, I don’t give a fuck about all that one bit. I’d much rather be a “willis/moore” and i don’t even wanna do that so, sadly, RIP Kelly.

F/m/K:Porn,Food,Basketball

Fuck: Basketball

This is a bastard of a choice but I have to be logical here. I love basketball. I need it in my life. Not even watching it but playing it. It’s one of my greatest joys. That said…I won’t die if i don’t play basketball. Nope, I’ll just get fat. Very very fat. I can’t imagine a world without it but, at the same time, how well am i gonna play if I never eat again? Probably not well. in fact, I’d die…soooooo…I guess I’m laying sweet James Naismith on his back and boning him anal missionary for one night of passion. Goddamn this whole thing!

Marry: Food

Aside from the obvious “I must eat to live” aspect of this…I love food. I look forward to eating constantly. When I finish a meal, even when I’m so full I wanna just explode like your man in “Monty Python’s meaning of life“, I’m still kinda thinking what my next meal will be. I generally know what food I’ll be eating all day, the second I wake up. Sufficed to say, food is on my mind all the time…and isn’t that how you want a marriage? Waking up with a person on your mind, going to sleep thinking about them. Sure, that sounds like obsession but love and obsession really share the same space. One is one of life’s joys and the other is creepy. Whether or not it’s requited is what decides that! So, if food will have me, I would be it’s forever and ever.

Kill: Porn

Man…I don’t wanna kill porn. I love porn. My brain is fried from years of watching it so the idea of using my…IMAGINATION when jerking off is not even really on the table. I feel like, once you get to a certain age, not only does that skill wane but you got too much on your plate. I can’t sit around in a pitch dark room conjuring fantasies without my mind meandering. All of a sudden, i’m thinking about my taxes or what my next meal is gonna be (shout out to food, y’all). So, yes, porn is very important to my process of busting nuts when alone. That said, there are other ways to bust nuts so it will never be as important as food or basketball to me. I suppose, if I had to kill porn, it would force me to be super pro active and look for sex more often which probably isn’t the worst thing on earth. Also, might be good for my mental state in general cause, you know, porn is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’d rather not think about it though.

F/M/K Comedian edition:Sarah Silverman,Aubrey Plaza,Chelsea Handler

Kill: Chelsea handler

I actually like her show on “netflix” where she tackles taboo topics head on and she seems pretty cool but…I dunno…I appreciate her outlook on life in many ways but she’s seems like one of those people who’s sarcastic ALL the time. You know how that shit is…you can’t talk to people like that cause you feel like they’re never being genuine. On a shallow level, I’m also least attracted to her soooo, you know, there’s that too.I’m not typically a “blonde” guy. I mean, I like them but they’re never my first pick. Shallow, i know but it’s the name of the game, guys.
It’s funny cause, in reality I’d probably totally like her and have sex with her (and she’d never fuck me in a million years which is what’s so funny about this game) but this isn’t reality…it’s F/m/k…and this is not a place where reality matters.

Marry: Sarah Silverman

She’s my shit. She’s fucking hilarious. She hot. She’s cool. It’s funny cause the same thing I said about Handler being sarcastic could apply to Silverman but, for some reason, it doesn’t bother me. She also falls into “old crush” territory with me as well as another wheelhouse of mine which is east coast jew types. I grew up being into them and that has remained. They just feel like home.
From what i hear, Silverman has been a much sought after lady for her entire life. i’ve heard stories of dinner parties at her house where it’s was literally like a reality show where 15 bachelors vie for her attention. Makes sense. I’d be right up in that shit.

Fuck: Aubrey Plaza

you know, I think she’s very cute. She’s not my type at all. I don’t really go for the tall skinny hipster thing but there is something about her that grabs me. She just seems…I dunno…mean. Normally, that would repel me but I guess we all have our triggers and she gets me on some weird psychological level i can’t really explain. Perhaps he reminds me of a girl who would NEVER give me the time of day and that makes me want it more? Hard to say. Whatever the case, I even think the sex would probably be pretty bad. Like that “Owww…don’t move my leg there!” or “I don’t want your hand on my butt cheeks…it makes me feel weird” kinda sex that just deflates any excitement in the room. But, still, here we are…meanwhile, i bet sex with Chelsea handler would be super fun. Damn…Have i made a terrible mistake? Luckily, this is all make believe.

F/m/k:Madea, Mrs. Doubt fire and Tootsie

Fuck: Madea

See, I have this thing in “Fuck/marry/kill” where I don’t do male options cause they would all be a tie with how little i would want to have sex with them. The crafty motherfucker who submitted this option really found a loophole and , to that, i tip my hat. Well done, you fucking jerk.
Why would I fuck Madia? Man…i don’t fucking know. I guess, Madia looks the least haggard of the three? I’ve never seen a Madea movie but is she supposed to be an actual woman? Cause the other two are transvestites and it’s known so, at least in that level, I’d be having sex with a “woman”. Even if it is Tyler perry in a dress and terrible make up.

Marry: Tootsie

See, Tootsie is a throwback. When i grew up in the village, I saw transvestites all over the place. It was a common thing from a very young age. In the 80’s they looked like Tootsie. They were clearly men with bad dresses and terribly applied make up. Nowadays, the game has changed and they have stepped up on all fronts. I defy any straight man to walk around Christopher St. in the West village on a summer day and not get caught out there peeping a girl , then realizing “Oh snap, that’s a dude/Transexual”. It’s just a different ball game all together and props to them from tightening all that up.
So, why does all that equate to me marrying Tootsie? I think it’s for old times sake. I feel comfort in Tootsie. It would be like marrying the old NYC. And , you know, Dustin Hoffman is probably a pretty cool guy too.

Kill: Mrs. Doubtfire

I just don’t think i could handle that voice. Sure, there would be plusses to marrying her. She cooks! She Cleans! but this isn’t the 1950’s and i don’t care about all that. It’s extra. I genuinely don’t wanna wake up looking at some decrepit old transvestite who voice sounds like an air horn. I mean, shit, she wears the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY. She looks like Mrs. butterworth. It’s just a no go for this one. RIP to her and Robin Williams, though.

Well, it’s been a while and that means it’s time for “fuck/marry/kill” to rear it’s ugly head. YOu know the game. you’ve played it or been appalled by people playing it. Same difference. As always, i must state that this is all just for fun. Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously and I don’t actually wanna fuck, marry or kill anyone or anything mentioned in this post. So , please, save any potential outrage for something that actually matters. If you have ideas for people/things I should f/m/k, please leave them in the comment section below. Get weird. I’ve been doing this for a while and all the obvious stuff has been done. Trust me.

F/M/K
Super-heroine edition: Wonder Woman, Black Widow, She-Hulk

Marry: Wonder Woman

I’d like to start this off by saying I think super hero based movies and comics are lame.No disrespect to all you people getting your costumes fit for comic-con. That’s just me. Just saying that to preface my lack of knowledge on all things comic book related.Anyway…
Wonder Woman is the only character, of these three, that I really know. I know her cause she was around on TV when I was a kid. I’ve seen many incarnations of her. They’re always a very pretty brunette who flies an invisible plane. And does’t she have magic bracelets or some shit? Who knows? Anyway, from the barely passing interest, I can surmise that she’s a good person who is just out in these streets trying to make a difference. Can’t knock that. So, I’d assume she’s quite a catch. But , really, that invisible plane, son. Imagine never having to wait in an airport again and just whipping through the sky like you were a bird? That alone has me sold.

Fuck:Black Widow

Oh, you mean Scarlett Johansson? Yeah, I want to have sex with her.
Not sure about what the Black Widow does but ,I’d imagine, if her name is any relation to the actual insect, she fucks guys and kills them afterwards? Surely that can’t be her secret power? Like I said, i know nothing about the comic book shit. Judging from the pic, she wears leather and shoots guns. I’ve also seen an avengers movie and she didn’t seem like she was out there boning guys and killing them right after. Still, if I’m gonna go out, having sex with Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t be the worst way to go. Definitely better than shattering my hip when I’m 85 or some random disease.

Kill: She Hulk

I figure I’d kill her before she kills me. Again, I know nothing of she-hulk. I’m actually not certain this is even a thing *quickly googles it* Okay, I guess it’s KIND OF a thing.
Definitely no She-Hulk Movies coming out and they made an Ant Man movie so, clearly, this is a D level super hero. Oh look! It’s the hulk but with a vagina!
On a more practical level, I’m a pretty steady guy, mood wise. I don’t get to high or too low. Because of this, I’ve never been into people who are unlike that. Call me crazy but I think that She-hulk may be a touch volatile for me. Just a hunch.
Also, i’m not really attracted to really buff women. Like body builder types? Nah, b. So there is that too.

F/M/K
Breakfast Bread edition: Bagel, Croissant, Muffin

Kill: Muffin

Listen, muffins are cool and all but I’m not a dude who craves sweet things when I wake up. I’m bout that savory life. And, really, blueberry muffins are the only type I ever really crave. So, sorry, muffins but you are a third tier breakfast option. I’m not mad when I have one but it’s rare I’ll even think to get one. If I’m at a hotel and they have a continental breakfast in the morning, the last thing I reach for is that muffin. So, sorry, I’m crumbling you up in my hand and leaving you for dead on the table.

Fuck:Croissant

I fucking love a good croissant. There are few things better to me than a buttery, warm croissant being stuffed into my greasy fat mouth. However, I couldn’t eat one every day. It’s just too decadent. Ideally, it would be great but the reality is I’d die of a heart attack by 50 if I went with that. Croissants are a special occasion type of thing. And, for this occasion, I’d want to be lowered naked into a swimming pool filled with warm croissants. I would eat and fuck my way out of the pool with no hesitation, stepping out the pool glistening like a new born baby.

Marry: Bagel

I’m a New Yorker. Part Jew. Bagels are our life blood. I remember the first time I traveled down south and I met people who didn’t know what a bagel was. Probably cause they didn’t know any jews. I felt bad for them. Bagels offer so much. They can be toast. The can be bread for a sandwich. And they can be covered in all sorts of crap. Some place opened near me a few years ago that was bagel bites , filled with flavored cream cheeses. Yes please. What about pizza bagels? I could go on forever. The secret to a healthy marriage is keeping things fresh and switching it up every now and then. With bagels, I would never have to worry about that.

F/M/K presidential candidates edition: Carly Fiorina, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin

Fuck: Sarah Palin

I know killing her would be the right thing to do but I’m still a dumb animal and she’s still the most attractive choice. And , deep down, there is a nasty side to her. I don’t mean her politics, which are fucking abhorrent. I mean sexually. This is a lady who was once a newscaster and fucked basketball player Glen Rice. That doesn’t mean much but, to me, it says she’s down to have a good time. Or, at least, I can convince myself she may have been like that at one point. Now she’s just batshit crazy and dumb as a bag of bibles.

Kill: Carly Fiorina

She got those crazy eyes. She’s got those crazy politics. I also know the least about her, of the three options so, it’s not hard to throw her in the kill pile. Female republicans are a baffling bunch. It’s a brand of self loathing i can’t wrap my head around. Yeah…i dunno what else to say about this one. It just is. Sometimes things just fall into place.

Marry: Hillary Clinton

Duh. I’m not even a person who’s super gung ho about Hillary but , clearly, she is wifey material when placed next to these two lunatics. I feel about marrying Hillary the same way I do about her being president. It’ll do. I don’t love everything about her. I kinda think she’s a bit too much “in the game” but, at the same time, so is every other politician not named trump or sanders. So, if she wins, things will be fine. If she’s nominated, she’s getting my vote. If I married her, in this completely unrealistic situation, things would also be fine. We’d skip all the exciting newlywed stuff and slip right into the boring, comfort part of marriage where you barely speak to each other at length but you don’t really have any true disdain for your partner. You know, that long term relationship sweet spot, right before you realize you don’t ever wanna be in the same room with the love of your life. Ah…Marriage.

FMK: Queens/Bronx/Staten

Fuck: The Bronx

I used to go up to the bronx and record occasionally. It was my first time as an adult , being in the borough.It was kinda cool. Sure, it was foreign and somewhat terrifying but it had a distinct vibe to it. The people are cool too. At this point, the Bronx is NYC’s final piece of authenticity. It hasn’t been taken over and ruined by people moving in from other states. People who move there tend to be coming from other countries. Big difference. The reason I’d fuck it and not marry it is cause, well, it’s so fucking far away. it’s just a train ride I’m not willing to make on the daily. So, I’d make the trip once to make sweet love on Fordham road.

Marry: Queens

Queens is fucking Huuuuuuge. It’s got so many parts and different vibes to it that marrying it makes sense. The variety would be awesome. It’s a place that is known for having all the secretly best ethnic food and that’s some shit I could immerse myself in deeply. Truth be told, I’m in queens maybe once every 6 years but still…I know it’s got stuff. And, hell, if I’m married to queens for a while and feel like it’s time to move to a more quiet neighborhood, there are areas in Queens that are straight up suburbs. Picket white fences and all that shit. I like the idea of having options. Not even Manhattan or BK can offer that. But, really, I’m wifing it for the food.

Kill: Staten island

LOL. Yeah…obviously. Outside of Wu-tang and “The situation” , I honestly wouldn’t even know if S.i. ever existed. I went there once as a kid. Let’s just say it didn’t leave much of a mark on me. All i know about it is that it’s full of racist italians and it’s also a place where they set up huge housing complexes for mentally unstable people to live in. That’s a great thing to do but I’ll be damned if I wanna be anywhere near that shit. Easy choice. Sorry S.I. and Sorry Wu tung.

It’s been a while but i think we are all ready for a new edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. All of us except those people who get really mad about it write scathing personal facebook messages to me. To those people i say, you really should just not read this blog. It’s not for you. But for the others? Hi! you know the game. It’s dumb. Frat guys play it. Clearly, this is not meant to be taken seriously so, just a heads up.
If you have any good ideas for me to f/m/k, leave them in the comment section. Get creative. After all, this is volume 48. We’ve covered many bases here.

F/M/K: a molly girl, cokehead, or weed chick?

Kill: Cokehead

This was fairly easy for me. While people on Molly can be kind of…umm…gross to be around (I don’t even mean sexually, I mean just cracked out looking) coke girls are that plus the addition of being annoying. I once had a girl stop, mid sex, to do a bump of coke. No bueno, dude. Not only are they annoying but talking to them and dealing with their microscopic attention spans is just the worst. I realize there are many girls who do coke and actually get horny and then have sex , so i suppose that’s a “good” thing but to me? If i can avoid that scene in general, I will.
The thing about coke heads is that , once the ball is rolling with that shit (for that night, or whatever) it becomes the only focus. And I’d never wanna play second fiddle to that bullshit.

Fuck: Molly girl

While the molly girl can be similar to the coke girl she’s also much sweeter and friendly. Coke is a “me, me, me!” drug. Molly just makes you wanna lay around and rub things and you feel great. I could deal with that. Even though, in reality, I kinda doubt I could even have sex on Molly, this isn’t about me. So, perhaps, I wouldn’t even be on that shit. Who knows?

Marry: Weed chick

For many of you, this was the obvious choice. In fact, the idea of marrying a weed girl probably is a dream come true to some of you. Personally, i don’t smoke weed and I think “weed culture” is pretty corny. I’m all for people smoking it if they want to but like all obsessions similar to it (wine, coffee, etc…) people really go a little far with it. So, to me, the idea of marrying a girl who wants to sit around talking about different weed strains and the healing powers of cannabis oil all day is only slightly more appealing that chilling with cokehead girl.
All that said, if it’s just a girl who gets stoned all the time, that’s fine. I can’t totally deal with that. Sounds pretty mellow, actually and think of all the food we’d eat!

The carb F/M/K: rice, pasta, bread

Marry:Bread

I would actually marry bread. Like, if it were legal. Why not? I know you gluten free people are horrified by that statement but I don’t have your little fucking problem and bread is the best. Honestly, there are so many things you can do with bread but I don’t even need to list them. A freshly baked loaf of bread with butter would have won this off the bat. I don’t even need to get into the world of sandwiches. Hell, french onion soup even can come to the party. Goddamn it bread…I love you so much it hurts.

Fuck: Rice

Kill: Pasta

I’m gonna do these two together cause they are so close.
I almost felt like rice was gonna have to go but then I realized I eat way more rice than I do Pasta. Here’s the thing, I love pasta. I think, in general, it tastes better and it’s the part of better meals than rice. However, I’m at that age where I gotta watch what I eat on some level. Meaning I can’t be stuffing bowls of ravioli in my face with any regularity. If anything, Pasta is for special occasions for me. So, yes, I prefer pasta to rice but my lifestyle does not.
Meanwhile, with rice, that’s pretty much all asian food. That’s latin food. I don’t know why my brain doesn’t think rice is as bad as pasta but i do know that when I finish a hearty plate of pasta I feel like I need to sit in a wheelchair for a few hours and when I eat some rice dish, it’s never that debilitating.
This is one of those rare f/m/k’s where you gotta kill what you love for your own good. Cause, man, if i sat around fucking pasta all day? I’d be a mess.

F/M/K: Brandy / Mya / Amerie

Marry: Amerie

Bro…If I were to remake that movie “Weird science” , starring me as the those two virgin nerds, when it came time to cut up all the magazines and construct the perfect women, I’d skip the buffalo bill style of taking eyes from here, a nose from there and lips from there. I would just find a picture of Amerie’s face and that would be all i needed. It’s my shit. Why she didn’t become as big as Rihanna I’ll never know. I realize it sounds I’m basing my decision to marry her entirely on her face but I also like that she never became a super star diva. She’s probably humble and has a good head on her shoulders because of it. And if she doesn’t? I’ll just stare at her face all day anyway.
I think what I’m saying is, if any of you look like Amerie, Holler.

Fuck: Mya

It’s funny about Mya. I’ve always felt she was overrated. Dudes talked about her like she was the hottest girl ever. I thought she was pretty but, you know, nothing too crazy. Then I realized her appeal is that she’s like the pretty girl you go to school with. She grows on you. After a month of sitting near her in class you realize she’s probably the sexiest person on earth and you can’t even explain it. It’s probably cause she’s nice to you and let’s you borrow her eraser when you don’t have one. You’re a huge dork, btw.
When you’re older, a girl like Mya is more like a good friends girlfriend or a friend of you ex who you get to know and secretly fall in love with. You can never be with her but, goddamn, you still day dream about killing all obstacles, in your dreams, while you sadly masturbate to them.

Kill: Brandy

She’s boring. She was always the goody two shoes kind. Her brother is Ray J, which means that bloodline is tainted anyway.
I think brandy is very pretty. Always have but it’s kind of a Taylor Swift situation with her cause she just can’t be sexy. It’s just not her nature. There is something very church-y about her. Put her in sexy clothing, she looks wrong. She’s probably very sweet but, i dunno…her competition is simply too strong. Hell, I always picked Monica over her back in “The boy is mine” days and things don’t really change.

F/m/k-Sense of sight, Sense of taste, Sense of hearing

Kill: Sense of taste

This is the worst one i’ve ever had to do. Like, each of these things represents something I truly love. Taste…food. I love food. So very very much. It’s one of the great joys in life for me. I’m a frugal man but I will spend major money on a meal if I know it’s good. However, the other side to killing my sense of taste is that, eating makes me fat. delicious food is never that healthy. So, in a way, if I were to not taste anything, I could finally be truly healthy. I’d eat all that organic horseshit that people love that has like 15 calories per pound. It wouldn’t matter. Food would literally just be fuel and I would need the bare minimum. So, i chose to kill this for the health reasons. It still hurts though.

Fuck:Sight

This is hard. I want sight all the time. Not only so i can watch all the things I watch (movies, tv, reading, girls) but basketball. I play basketball 3 times a week and , without sight, that’s a wrap. Again, something I truly love being stripped away from me. But, i guess if i can “fuck” sight then I can see it once in a while. it’s better than nothing. Again, these options are pure fucking evil.

Marry: Hearing

I mean, shit, it’s my livelihood. Sure, making beats blind would be hard but if stevie wonder can do what he did, I can figure out how to do something infinitely easier without seeing a computer screen. Beyond that, I need to hear things all the time anyway. Music. I need music. conversation. I need that too. Being blind would be the worst but at least, with the sense of hearing, I feel like I wouldn’t have to live inside my own head as a deaf person. I’m not trying to base what i do on the vibrations of the earth, bro.

Well, here we are once again. Alone, at last. Time for another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. It is exactly what you think it is. That game frat dudes play. Yup. Just a little more in depth. As always, I feel obligated to say this is just for shits and giggles so please don’t take it seriously. The only reason I don’t do male options is cause I want to not fuck them all equally.
Anyway, if you have some funny ideas for F/M/K options, leave them in the comment section. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this column for years.
Okay…let’s see what we got this week.

FMK- Full House edition: Olsen Twins, Jodie Sweetin, Candace Cameron

Fuck: Candace Cameron

This is really one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to hypothetically make. Really, there’s an argument to be made for fucking, marrying or killing all three of these choices. On one hand, as lame as it would be, a threesome with the olsen twins would be something I could write a best selling book about. Jodie Sweetin was/is a drug addled mess but, that could bode well for the sex. Candace Cameron is the most attractive of the bunch but also on some christian shit so…you know…that could be an issue.
But, when it comes down to it, i think my attraction to Candace Cameron and acceptance that it would be some bible thumping sex out weighs my desire to kiss a girl with meth mouth or see either of the Olsen twins naked. I realize this is a cop out but I’m a simple man and bad sex is more appealing to me than the other choices.

Marry: The Olsen twins

For one thing, there’s two of them. Sure they look like Michael jackson at this point and I’m not on some polygamy shit but that would immediately keep things interesting. Variety and stuff. Secondly, they are the richest people on earth. yes, it’s shallow. I know this…but I don’t wanna marry any of these assholes (I’m sure the feeling is mutual) so marrying two rich girls is the most appealing option. This could easily backfire and leave me in house (actually a mansion,though) with two people I loath , who loath me back cause I’m stinking up one of their million dollar couches all day watching netflix in my underwear. But, you know what, that can happen in any marriage. The only difference is the price of the couch.

Kill: Jodie Sweetin

The thing about Jodie is that you don’t know what you’re getting. She could be a fun druggie or she could be the type who stabs you in your sleep. I really don’t know. That risk is enough to make me opt out of putting a ring on her finger. I don’t enjoy “crazy” as a rule. So, you know, maybe I’d be doing her a favor. He life seems like a huge bummer anyway. It would kinda be a mercy killing.

F/M/K Cargo pants, church slacks, super long jean shorts

Kill: Super long jean shorts (JORTS)

You know, if you asked me this question 20 years ago, Jorts woulda been my wife. But, sadly, those days have passed and Kevin Smith is the only dude still rocking these things. As corny as the other options are, there is no way to pull off jorts in 2015. It’s like a blaring siren screaming “DO NOT FUCK ME OR RESPECT ME”. These things need to be put to rest in real life and in the made up world where I have to choice to fuck/marry/kill things/people.

Marry: Cargo Pants

As bad as cargo pants are, they’re at least comfortable. Also, styles exist that aren’t the absolute worst. Army Navy stores have kinds that don’t make me wince. Also, they’re the uniform of dads who have thrown the towel in. What better pants to marry? They’re like a step down from sweat pants but you can actually wear them to a restaurant and not feel like a hillbilly. Granted, putting them on basically deems you a eunuch but I’m married to them so who cares?

Fuck: Church pants

I can’t lie…this is kinda by default but, at the same time, some baggy ass , steve harvey looking church pants would be hilarious to wear once. Like, imagine rocking them with no shame to a place where hipsters are? It would blow their fucking minds. I wouldn’t be shocked that, one day, church pants are the ironic hipsters go-to outfit. What’s more far from the norm than a bearded white asshole with tatts wearing “who framed roger rabbit?” pants and a band t-shirt at the same time? Mark my words…this will one day be a thing.

F/M/K (Orange is the new black Edition) Kimiko Glenn, Diane Guerrero, Ruby Rose

Marry: Ruby Rose

Here’s the thing. She is beautiful. Like scary hot. Also, she’s a lesbian. So, here we come to a crossroad. Not to go off course here but I’m not a huge fan of marriage in general. Not that I think it people shouldn’t do it I just don’t know how I feel about it personally. So, when playing F/M/K and given the option of marrying a lesbian, I’m kinda into it. Why? Cause it turns into me just living with a roommate and living my life however I see fit. That’s kinda cool to me. Not to mention, I get along great with most lesbians I’ve met and partying with Ruby Rose would be fun. No jealousy. No “Where were you last night?!?”. Simply “G’day mate!” then carry on my day. The bonus of getting to look at her all day doesn’t hurt either.

Fuck: Diane Guerrero

This is just playing into my wheelhouse right here. Hot , short latina girl? Forget about it. The only reason I don’t marry her is cause of the golden “Always marry the lesbian” rule I’ve instituted for “Fuck/marry/Kill”. But, I’m a big fan of this one and would probably be angling for more than one Eff sesh…I’m assuming my wife, Ruby Rose, would be cool with that…cause she’s the best. I LOVE MY WIFE!

Kill: Kimiko Glenn

I got nothing against her. On the show, she’s kinda plain and annoying. Then, one episode, they showed her tits and I was like “oh daamnnnnnn”. Still, she’s not a really exciting choice. She’s certainly a pretty girl and , like i mentioned, the tits are well documented. I mean, in real life, she’s the type of girl who would probably roll her eyes at me for asking her if she’s in line for the bathroom and possibly vomit at the idea of making out with me but this isn’t real life soooooooo…
Swing swing swing, and chop chop chop.

F/M/K:Duane Reade, 7-11, Starbucks

Kill: 7-11

This is new york-centric but fuck a 7-11. We don’t need them here and they’re basically just bringing the burbs to the city. I don’t take stands on much. I simply don’t care that deeply about most things but I boycott 7-11’s in NYC like they were hanging confederate flags in the window. Thing is, they’re unnecessary here. We have 24 hour bodegas and korean markets on every other corner. It’s one of the things that makes this city what it is. If you’re a person who was psyched to see a 7-11 open up in NYC, recognize you should probably move cause you’re making the city into the cornball factory it has become.

Fuck: Starbucks

I don’t drink coffee so Starbucks doesn’t do much for me. That said, I have been known to stuff my face with sweets and I can’t front on da ‘bucks. When I’m in an airport at 8 am and craving an iced lemon pound cake (which is always), I know where to go. When I’m walking home from dinner and desire a cake pop, Starbucks is there in a pinch. I mean, granted, I could go my entire life without ever stepping foot in one and nothing would change but it is nice to know the option exists. So, lemme put my dick in that

Marry: Duane Reade

Of these three places, I’m up in Duane Reade the most. it’s a drug store, it’s a supermarket, it’s where I can buy bulk cadbury eggs around easter. What’s not to like? Also, it’s an NYC institution. So, by marrying it, I’d feel like I was joining with something special. Only downside of Duane Reade is that the people who work there tend to be slightly less polite than people who work at the DMV but, whatever…it would just add spice to your union.

Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s as stupid as it sounds. People sent in options and I oblige. As always, i much preface this by saying this is not meant to be taken even remotely seriously. I don’t want to kill or marry any of these people. It’s just a stupid bar game that I’ve expanded on. That’s all. Don’t be offended cause it’s not worth either of our time.
If you have interesting F/m/k options, leave them in the comment section below. Get creative cause I’ve covered a lot in the first 43 editions of this column.

F/M/K- GoT edition: Daenerys, Cercei, Margaery

Marry: Daenerys

I mean, come on. Dat Pussy fire, AMIRITE?!?!?!
This is an easy choice as she’s the obvious #1 girl on Game of thrones (Though her hot assistant might be my favorite girl on the show). She’s the mother of dragons. Not that that means anything but from a physical and power standpoint , she’s the end all of pulls. It is a little intimidating that her two boyfriends have both been giant murderous hunks but sometimes finesse can persevere. Also, there would be a chance I could make a half dragon baby with her. Not sure if that’s a good or bad things though.

Fuck: Margery

She’s sexy and manipulative. Put those things together and you get a real shit show of a relationship. The type that leave many men curled up in a corner , weeping, wondering what the hell happened. However, if you just keep it physical with her, I’d imagine it’s quite rewarding. Like, I bet she knows some tricks. Weird game of thrones tricks that don’t exist in the real world but involve hot rocks and liniments. Not to mention, unlike Daenerys , her past lovers have been children and sociopaths so I’d be pretty confidant going into this one.

Kill: Cercei

Cercei is pretty but also a terrible piece of shit. Just an awful person. She’s crazy, fucks her brother and cousin, and is responsible for creating the worst/best villain ever, Joffrey. Obviously, she gotta die. I mean, every week, I wait patiently for her to meet her demise and it never comes. Kinda like this Winter they keep fucking talking about. What’s up with that? Winter has been coming for like 4 seasons now. How long is goddamn autumn in the 7 kingdoms?

F/M/K- going back to college, moving to a small rural town, or growing white-guy dreads and wearing sandals everyday?

Kill:Growing white guy dreads and wearing sandals everyday

Kill me. Kill meeeeeeeeeeeeee. This just goes against everything I believe in. If I had white guy dreads and wore sandals, I’d try and strangle myself every time I walked past a mirror. The dreads are one thing. I mean, as lame as they can be, I don’t think that’s the worst. But the open toed shoes on men? That I cannot condone. This is a huge point of contention and I realize a large portion of you disagree but, keep in mind, I live in NYC. It’s just not okay to wear that shit here. You’re by a beach or in the woods, go nuts. But anywhere that revolves around walking on concrete is a no fly zone for that bullshit. Sorry. It’s the rules…that I made up…but I stand by them.

Fuck: Moving to a small Rural town

I’d honestly probably lose my mind in a small town. I’m just too used to the amenities of a big city. Also, I don’t drive so I’d be stranded. On the bright side, i could wear flip flops all day and feel no shame (I still wouldn’t though…ever).
But, seriously, there is a part of me that thinks I could enjoy that slow country living for a little bit. I could never “marry” that lifestyle but I’d dip my dick in and see what it feels like. No harm in that.

Marry: Going back to college

I dropped out of college. I hated school. I was terrible at it. That said, I actually sometimes wish I had stayed. Not for the learning. Definitely not. But for the social aspect of it. Living in dorms, being on campus with tons of other students. Parties. Girls. That stuff. Now, there is no way I could ever go back to college and do well as a student. It’s just not in the cards but , if I could go, get C- type grades and just live the college life? I’d be all over that. Not at my current age but, still…15-20 years ago it would have been so much fun.

F/M/K- cake, pie, brownies.

Marry:Cake

I marry cake cause it’s got a versatility that Brownies don’t have. There are thousands of types of cake. Some of them suck but that’s beauty of cake…you don’t have to eat those shitty types. For instance, wedding cakes are usually pretty wack. But birthday cakes? Pretty awesome. What about ice cream cakes? That’s some next level shit. just thinking about all this cake is getting me worked up. I’mma go put my dick in an entenmann’s box and pick out a ring.

Fuck:Brownies

I love brownies. As a stand alone thing, I’d take them over cake. However, they’re limited. I don’t think I could eat a brownie a day. Well, I’m sure I could but that’s not the point. Variety is the spice of life. Sure, a sea salt fudge brownie makes my jaw ache but that’s just lust. I lust for brownies. I wanna fuck the shit out of brownies. Can’t say I wanna make love to them though. They are the perfect mistress.

Kill: Pie

I’m torn here. On one hand, I’m not a pie guy. I think warm fruit is always gross and if given the choice, I pass on it always. Even non-fruit based pies aren’t my thing. It’s like they can’t decide if they wanna be cake or pudding. I honestly don’t know how anyone would ever take something filled with fruit over a iced, delicious , soft cake. That’s insanity to me. The only saving grace of pies is that they have a savory side to them. Meat pies. Spinach pies. I love that kinda shit. I would probably marry those alone but, alas, the warm fruit version has to come in a ruin it for everyone. Sorry Pie…

Fuck/Marry/Kill-Grace Jones ,Nina Simone ,Janis Joplin

Kill: Janis Joplin

This is tough. I’m definitely not attracted to Janis. She’s always had that new born gerbil face that makes me think she got taken out of the oven a little too soon. Also, she’s one of those people who I can tell smelled like shit. A boozing, drug addled hippie? That’s a slight step up from homeless woman on the “how bad does the person smell” flow chart. I dunno. She had a great voice but she’s just not doing it for me. Also, the kill part would be easy cause she’s been dead for like 40 years.

Fuck: Grace Jones

Grace Jones is terrifying. I can definitely see her ripping a dick off with her bare hands but I think that’s part of the appeal. If Grace jones wants to have sex with you, you kinda have to do it, right? If for no other reason, the experience and story it would create. It’s one of those “just let yourself go” situations. Sure, i might end up a pile of bones in the end but , in a way, that’s really going out in a blaze of glory.

Marry: Nina Simone

This was tough for me cause I had an inner battle between my heart and my brain. On one hand, Nina Simone is not a handsome woman. She’s also a tortured soul. That’s a lot of emotions being put on the plate. However, she’s easily of of my favorite singers ever and I can’t kill her. I’d also imagine she’s capable of a level of passion that is crazy. I don’t know if that’s a good thing but it’s something. Worst case scenario, i’d just listen to her sing all day and probably get murdered in my sleep. That’s fine. I probably deserved it.

Hi there and welcome to your favorite/least favorite column, Fuck/MArry/Kill. Yes, the same game your awful frat bro plays. As always, I must remind the overly sensitive readers that this is all for jokes. I don’t wanna kill any of these people. I don’t think they would or should fuck or marry me either. This just a game. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I don’t want to have sex with them equally. I’d probably marry a man though…best roommate ever!
Anyway, if you have any interesting ideas for who i should F/m/K, lemme know. Leave them in the comments below. It can be people, places, things…anything. Get creative. Stay away from the Katy Perry, Madonna, Snookie types. They’ve been done to death.
Okay, let’s pop this off…

F/M/K: The three girls on “Girls” who are not Lena Dunham AKA Allison Williams, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet

Kill: Jemima Kirke

I’d like to acknowledge that I am a man who watches the show “Girls”. There is nothing wrong with this and I would argue it’s only bad in the sense that every character on the show is a terrible person. Outside of that, it’s actually pretty well done. Okay? Good.
So, as i just mentioned, every character on that show is terrible. In the case of Kirke, they make her the one that you’re supposed to maybe like. Kinda. But, to me, she’s the worst of the worst (excluding Dunham’s character). The thing about “Girls” is that i really do know people like every character on this show. In the case of Kirke, this kind of person and I do not mix. The fake free spirit type who are actually just incredibly selfish and judgmental? Fuck all that. Killing that kinda person would be a joy. Now, you may be thinking I’m talking too much about the character but I firmly believe that character was based on the actress in a major way. So, I’m just taking it all out on her. Sorry!

Fuck: Zosia Mamet

Time to get a little shallow here but…she’s got a banging body. That’s pretty much my reasoning here. Of the three, she’s easily my favorite on all counts even though, technically, she’s actually the most busted and annoying one. Well, to each their own. I would like to have sex with her. If for no other reason than to get some of that good old Mamet DNA. Just kidding. I don’t give a fuck about plays.

Marry: Allison Williams

She’s “The pretty one”. And ,yes, she is pretty. She’s also kinda the worst which makes this a tough choice. She’s one of the theater dorks who can sing and dance and LOOOOOVES to show us all that fact as often as possible.. While that kind of person generally makes my skin crawl, she kinda wins by default. As annoying as those people can be, I’ll take them over the british scenester girl. So, really, much like in life, she wins cause she’s pretty. I’m not proud of it and I would be very unhappy in this marriage but, on the bright side, so would she. I’d be a terrible husband.

F/M/K:DJ Premier Beats,Dr. Dre Beats, Madlib Beats

Fuck: DJ Premier beats

I really could gone a number of ways with this. Primo is responsible for many of my favorite beats. He’s a legend without question.So why am I fucking his beats, instead of marrying them? Well, it’s more out of respect for Dre than anything. Primo’s beats would make a fine wife. And imagine our kids?!!? But, at the end of the day, while he’s had more biters than any producer I can think of, he didn’t change the landscape of music like Dre did. He was simply one of the best at his craft and I’d hit that for sure.

Marry: Dr Dre beats

Dre changed the game. Multiple times. His sound is timeless and applies to all walks of life. That versatility and longevity make his beats the ideal wife. Sure, he probably hasn’t touched a sampler in like 20 years. who cares? He made the fucking Chronic! In rap music, legacy goes a long way. He’s earned his stripes ten fold and , in the same way, he’s earned my sweet hand in marriage.

Kill: Madlib beats

I’ve never been a huge Madlib guy. Now, don’t get me wrong, they guy has made tons of great music but I’m a little older than the generation that worships him. I grew up idolizing Dre and Primo. To me, Madlib was closer to a peer who did much much better than I did, if that makes sense. It’s hard to compare someone like that to someone who you deem a legend or someone who you feel helped shape the entire landscape of rap music for generations to come. To be fair, it’s not his fault. His competition was just too fierce here. I woulda killed me in this situation as well. It’s only right.

F/M/K:Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu ,Santigold

Kill:Lauryn Hill

Man, there was a time when she would get married so quickly. When the Fug-e-la video dropped I was legit in love with her. The looks, the talent…she was amazing. But, time has been rough on Mrs. Hill. She had like 15 kids and wears lipstick like a deranged murderer might. She’s become recluse and diva…at the same time. That’s can’t be a pleasant mix to be around. For as talented as she was and is she’s , apparently, equal parts crazy now. I simply don’t have that thing in me whereI wanna be around crazy people. Sanity is great. Highly underrated, especially when choosing a mate. She’s not even that erotic kinda crazy where you know the sex would be awesome , as long as you got out quick afterwards. No, she even seems like the sex would be fucking weird and possibly dangerous. Lots of “Don’t look at me!” and order barking. Not my speed.

Fuck: Erykah Badu

Two things
1) She secretly has one of the best asses in the business. This is an easy selling point for me.
2) she might be magic.
She’s not only dated but had kids with some of the best rappers of this generation and previous generations. Andre 3000, D.O.C., Jay Electronica and I guess I’ll count Common too. She must have something really special going on there. Rappers don’t just have kids with anyone…hahahahaha…just kidding but, seriously, she has been the muse to some insanely talented people and that alone has be curious of the power she holds within her vagina. I mean, her teeth are yellow as fuck and no one seems to care. It must be glorious. So glorious, in fact, that I’d be lying if I said it didn’t intimidate me a bit. Like, what if , once you sleep with Badu, it ruins other vagina for you? Like how people talk about having sex on ecstasy. It’s possible. It makes a lot of sense!

Marry: Santigold

I honestly don’t know much about Santigold. I know she’s pretty and from brooklyn so there’s that. I don’t really listen to her music but, from what I’ve heard, I always think she’s M.I.A.
Whatever the case, she kinda falls into the marriage category by default. For all I know she’s batshit crazy and I’d be making a terrible life choice but, hey, what’s life if you ain’t living?
This is one of those risk/reward situations. Roll the dice with me, Santigold.

F/M/K: Candy Ravers, Elitist Hipsters ,“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”

Kill: Candy Ravers

Simply put, I’m too old for that shit. I’ve seen some super hot ravers over the last 5 years but it’s impossible for me to not look at them as children…cause they are. The clothes are fucking stupid and it’s a scene that, in general, makes no sense to my old ass mind. I do like candy though…

Marry:“I was too drunk/high to even remember who played, dude !”

I think the only reason I’m marrying this one is cause I don’t think this is a “type” of person. This is simply some shit that happens. We’ve all been to shows and gotten shitfaced. I look at this person as normal. Sure, the person can be a liability. i’ve certainly dealt with my share of sloppy disasters at shows, falling all over the merch table and repeating the same sentence to me over and over again (side note: Try your best to NEVER be that person. That person sucks) but, in the morning, they’re sober and most likely a decent human being. It’s only an issue if that lifestyle is an everyday thing. Fortunately , you can only go to so many shows in week. I’d be playing the odds on this one and hoping for the best.

Fuck: Elitist hipster

Well, for one, it would be fun to hate fuck one of these assholes. I’m sure their critique of my sexual prowess would be like a pitchfork review but, thems the breaks. Secondly, say what you will but hipster girls are hot. They dress well and are always on point…cause they have to be. I can’t say I’ve hooked up with many legit hipster types in my life but I’ve definitely wanted to so this would fulfill that desire.
On a side note, The cool thing about elitist hipsters is that they’re generally insecure suburbanites who moves to whatever city they live in now to be the asshole they always wanted to be. They can say whatever they want to me. I’ll be fine. They still will be back at the townie bar come thanksgiving, hating life, and that’s one of the purest equalizers known to man.

Hi there. Welcome to another beloved/loathed edition of “Fuck/marry/kill”. You know the game. It’s dumb as fuck. But that’s why I do it. If you wanna send me in some options, go for it. Just get creative cause I’ve done a ton of those already. Lady gaga and Katy Perry submissions are not going to cut it.
Leave them in the comments below.
As always, i’d like to preface this with a “This isn’t serious so don’t take it that way” warning. I’m don’t actually wish to fuck, marry or kill any of these people/place/things. I mean, sure, i’d fuck a few of them but it ends there, i swear!
Let’s see what we got this time around…

F/M/K: The “Real Names of Celebrities” Edition-
Demetria Gene Guynes (DEMI MOORE)
Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong (DIDO)
Eileen Regina Edwards (SHANIA TWAIN)

Marry: Shania Twain

I have this thing where my brain doesn’t compute certain genre’s of women sexually. Country singers has been one of those for a while. Excluding Dolly parton, of course. I can look at Carrie Underwood and see that she’s a hot blonde girl but there’s something about that country singer attitude that just doesn’t click with me. Enter Shania Twain and that theory flies out the window. Maybe cause her look harkens back to a time or reading maxim magazines while taking a dump in the 90’s? Whatever it is, it’s working for me. That and I’d just like to ask her , repeatedly, what she was thinking when she made that song “That don’t impress me much” cause, wow…

Kill: Dido

I honestly had forgotten what Dido Looked like until googling her for the pic above. Turns out she was really cute. Man, that totally slipped through the cracks, huh? I suppose it makes sense considering she was at peak popularity during the highly sexualized Britney spears years. As pretty as she was (is?) , there was a prudish vibe to her that clearly didn’t leave a lasting impact on my brain. Looking at her now, she’s certainly marriage material but, i dunno…Those 1990’s memories hold some weight. And she has the word “Cloud” in her original name. That’s just dumb. Sorry. Dead.

Fuck: Demi Moore

I’d just like to point out that her birth name is brutal. Gene Guynes. That sounds like a drag queen name. I don’t know where she pulled “Demi Moore” from but I’m not mad at the switch. Her parents were assholes.
Anyway, Demi Moore has been my shit since the 80’s, so the nostalgia in my penis is guiding me with this one. While I prefer her pre-surgury , the fact she’s maintained hotness after 50 years is amazing. I wouldn’t wanna marry her but fucking her? That’s an achievement we can all get on board with, right? Ashton knows what I’m talking about!

F/M/K: The Canadian Edition-Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver

Fuck: Montreal

Unlike a lot of U.S. citizens, I think Cqnada has a lot to offer. In particular, these three wonderful cities. I like them all a great deal. But, in F/m/k, you gotta make tough choices.
I choose to fuck Montreal for a few reasons. First off, it’s an amazing city that reminds me of Greenwich Village, where I grew up. Except, it’s full of french canadians. That’s a bit of a bummer. So, While I love visiting it and hanging there, i can’t say I’d wanna live there full time. I’m simply terrible at learning languages and I don’t ever feel comfortable in places where I have to sheepishly speak english to everyone. So, by fucking Montreal, i get to enjoy it but I don’t have to stay forever. Also, I’d wanna fuck Montreal cause I literally want to fuck montreal. Pound for pound , some of the hottest women I have ever seen. Maybe I’m a sucker for a pouty french bitch face but, goddamnit, if they don’t deliver, I don’t know who does.

Marry: Toronto

As a New Yorker, I can’t help but compare all other cities to mine. It’s my favorite city so, the more similar the city is to NYC, the more I tend to like it. Toronto is pretty close in many ways. It’s far more sterile, way less active and in Canada but parts of it legit feel like it could be an extension of manhattan. To me, if I had to chose, I’d wanna be up in that full time. It’s a city like that that I can relate to. I also tend to like people from Toronto so there’s that too. Oh, and it’s so close to michigan! What a bonus! (just kidding about that last part)

Kill: Vancouver

Like I said, I like all these cities. Vancouver is awesome. But, of the three, it’s the one that grabs me the least. Probably cause it’s on some northwest shit. It’s a little too spread out, a little too “eh bro, you like kind bud?!?!” for my taste. Not to mention that area where all the junkies are? Fucking gross. Don’t you guys have street sweepers out there? Problem fixed.
I love visiting it and playing in it but, I dunno. This one just loses by default. Let’s be honest, if the shit ever really hits the fan in the US and San Fran is outta my price range, I’d gladly live in any of these places before I lived somewhere else in the US. But that’s just me. Oh, Canada.

F/M/K: All the actresses who played Carrie- sissy spacek, Angela bettis, Chloe grace moretz

Kill: Angela Bettis

Who? She must have been in the sequel. Well, a quick google search shows me all I need to know. She looks vaguely familiar as a character actress. Anyway, not into it at all. She looks like a mormon Sandra Bernhardt. Just not my steeze. Sadly, she dies for wrong reasons here but in F/M/K, there rarely are right reasons for any of the choices you make.

Fuck: Sissy Spacek

I’m assuming we’re judging these from the era the movies were made. I’m hoping we are.
Spacek was a weird brand of cute back then. She had an unborn gerbil look to her but she was certainly pretty. I can’t say she was oozing sexuality but, considering the other choices, I had to play this safe. She’s got a farmers daughter quality that is kinda hot but there is something about her that’s not all there. Can’t really put my finger on it. Luckily, I wouldn’t be marrying her so whatever that thing is, it would not be my problem!

Marry: Chloe Grace Moretz

Okay, you jerks. I know she’s under age. She’s a kid. Thus, i would not fuck her. At the same time, I’m not gonna kill her either. The best I can do is marry her, let her age a few years and then see what happens. It’s really the only option. I would sooner just adopt her but that just sounds like some Woody Allen shit. These picks got me in a funny position. I should really google her age before I continue…hold up (googling)
Oh wait…she literally turned 18 a few weeks ago. That makes this slightly less terrible. it’s still bad cause, let’s be honest, she’s a child to me no matter how old she is, but at least it’s not illegal. Again, i just wanna clarify that she is way too young for me and, in reality, i would never ever even consider it an option. Not to mention, her dad might be my age so imagine how grossed out she’d be by all this. Let’s just move on and forget this ever happened…

F/M/K: Reading Novels-Learning Languages-Watching Soccer

Marry: Reading Novels

I hate reading. It bores the life out of me. Even before the internet and smart phones, i couldn’t sit with a book unless I had absolutely no other option. That said, of these three choices, it is the one that I could see myself learning to enjoy if I had to. I think what sells it to me is that there are so many options. I imagine if the day came where reading novels just clicked with me, a whole world of pleasure would be opened up to me. I mean, shit, there are millions of books to read. Variety is the spice of life. It would be like having an open relationship…but with books. You fucking nerds.

Fuck: Watching Soccer

Much like reading, soccer bores the life out of me. I’ve played it. I’ve watched it. It’s slow and tedious. Yes, there are flares of excitement. Awesome things do happen. But, overall, people can blather on all they want to about the beauty and elegance of the sport but it’s not for me. However, I’m a guy who , if forced, can watch most sports. When the world cup comes around, I will often find myself forced to watch some Soccer. If i actually pay attention to it, I can see why people like it. I still think it’s totally boring but I get it. I can definitely see the skill and strategy in it. So, for a night, i could definitely spend the evening balls deep in a soccer match. I could maybe even do a week of it. Just not a lifetime.

Kill: Learning Languages

I’m just bad at this. I took spanish 2 for 3 years and never passed. My brain doesn’t pick up other language. Strangely enough, i’m great at accents but words, conjugations and all that other shit? Nope. It’s as if my brain just shuts off the second someone starts to teach me anything. It’s too bad cause I would like to be able to sit on the train and understand what people are saying. But i’m not about put all that work into something just for the eavesdropping benefits. whoever picked these three choices is pretty funny and definitely pays attention to shit I’ve said in the past. Well played and go fuck yourself.

It’s a new year and “fuck/Marry/Kill” rolls on. It’s a game you either love or hate. Hopefully, the former.
As always, let me preemptively say this is all for laughs. I don’t really want to kill or marry any of these people. Please try your best to put your self righteous college aged outrage to the side for a moment and just except this for what it is: A dumb joke. We’re all equal. We are all special flowers. Blah blah blah.
On another note, if you have any good ideas for people/things/places I should Fuck/marry/kill, let me have them. Leave them in the comment section below.
Okay, let’s pop it off and remember, it’s all love (kind of).

F/M/K: Sammi Sweetheart, Farrah Abraham, Lauren Conrad

Marry: Lauren Conrad

Aside from always thinking she was cute, she’s the only one of these three I don’t actively loath. Sure, she’s a made up person from reality TV and is very likely equally awful as the other two rodeo clowns in this selection but, at least from a perspective of how they presented themselves on tv, her worst faults are being dumb and mildly petty. Not ideal wifey material but , let’s be honest, I could do a lot worse too.

Fuck: Sammi Sweetheart

Sammi is one the quintessential catholic school girl grown up. She puts sex on a pedestal, for about a week, then gives it up in what I imagine to be the most extreme of ways. Not to be confused with Farrah abraham , who literally gives up the butthole on film, I’m more talking about a passion. She’s all “I’m a good girl, I’m a sweetheart!” but then she goes and has sex with steroid pumped gorillas with no game whatsoever. I don’t know why that makes me pick her for sex and I also realize I’d be the weakest man she had ever let touch her by a long shot but, you know, there’s a challenge in that. Maybe the gentle touch of a weakling is what she’s been waiting for all her life.

Kill:Farrah Abraham

Yes, I’ve seen her porn. It was…umm…graphic. That’s somebodies mother, guys! hahahahaha
This is a case of where the “kill” is actually doing the world a favor. She is possibly one of the least savory human beings to ever throw themselves in front of a camera. Truly awful. She’s also made herself look like deformed joy doll so it’s not like the moral obligation to make her extinct is fighting my dick being like “But she’s hot, bro!”. Nope, this is the rare case of f/m/k where it might actually be justified. Not to be too grim, but there will probably come a time in our life when Farrah Abraham dies prematurely and not even twitter will be able to send condolences with a straight face.

F/M/K: Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy

Fuck: Santa Claus

Duh. He’s a giver. And not a cheap giver. He gives you whatever you asked for. He will supply a life of joy. Also, he’s thick.
Santa is the ultimate made up guy. He’s like the superman of imaginary friends. He can do anything. It’s almost not fair. Unless you’re a jew…then I suppose marrying Santa might be an issue. I’m only half jewish so I think it would work. Stranger things have happened though.

Fuck: The tooth fairy

The thing I like about the tooth fairy is that he/she rewards you for your pain and let’s you know that you’re growing up. I remember when my baby teeth would fall out. Some would go easy. Others would hang by a thread for weeks until I had to yank it out with my bare hands and swallow a mouthful of blood. The Tooth fairy understood this pain and , in exchange, left a few quarters. Sure, that’s a bit on the cheap side but when you’re like 4 years old (is that how old you are when teeth fall out?) that might as well be a million dollars. The only downside of the tooth fairy is that, if you think about him/her, it’s some creep with like a million pounds of kids teeth saved up. Which really does sound like some serial killer shit.

Kill: The easter bunny

The easter bunny is smug. He’s all like “Oh, you want some eggs? Well, I’mma hide them. But first, go to church all morning”. FUCK THAT NOISE. First of all, my dudes santa and the tooth fairy deliver me goods directly to home. Money and gifts. What are you offering me? Some fucking ornate hard boiled eggs? woopty fuckin’-doo. I can go to the corner store and buy like 10 of those for 2 bucks…but I wouldn’t ever do that cause who needs that many hard boiled eggs? The whole “bringing food” thing is suspect to me and can easily go awry. Honestly, if we’re getting food, I’d rather someone bring me a freshly cooked rabbit. That would be delicious.

FMK- in their prime foxy brown, little kim, nicki minaj

Fuck: Nicki Minaj

Hey, you know what? Nicki Minaj is the hottest. Talk all you want about her fake butt and tits, her poor fashion choices and her annoying voice but, goddamnit, I love her face. She’s like a cartoon in her hotness. My only issue with her would be the reality that I probably could do no damage to her sexually on any level. But it would be my honor to try as hard as I could. Seriously, there aren’t many female rappers I wanna have sex with more than her. Trina in her prime, maybe? That’s it. Nicki is the pinnacle. Also, I hate her music.

Kill: Foxy Brown

I’ve never for a moment liked Foxy Brown. Musically or physically. Her face always looked like a sea turtle with a stroke to me and she just seemed unclean at all time to me. She even had a great body in her prime but it just never took with me. Did she have a lazy eye? Even if she didn’t, it felt like she did. Maybe cause she looks like forrest whitaker with a vagina.
Anyway, I also despise her rapping. She was corny and had the voice of a male child. That one song where she breaks down the math of selling drugs was a low point in late 90’s rap to me (and that era has LOTS of low points). Foxy has always been just kinda gross to me. It’s an easy choice.

Marry: Lil’ Kim

In her prime, Lil Kim was adorable. Spunky, cute and a total dirt bag. I don’t know how she transformed into Mr. Mistoffelees from “Cats!” but it’s a bummer to see. Aside from her physical traits, I’ve always felt Kim was one of those extremely loyal ladies as well. She’d have your back. To a fault, even. I bet she put up with some pretty horrendous shit while dating Biggie but she stuck by him…as his ultimate side piece. Well, with me, it would be time for the big leagues. A wedding and all. Also, she’s my favorite rapper of the bunch by far.

F/M/K- Bed Bugs, Cockroaches, Rats!

Fuck: Cockroaches

This was an awful selection to fuck you to whoever came up with it. Seriously…terrible.
But, if i HAD to pick one of these to fuck, I’mma go with roaches. I don’t like them, but I can live with them. I’ve had variations of them in every house I’ve ever lived in and it’s nothing new. Not on some “Joe’s apartment” shit but , you know, a few here and there. They don’t bother me nearly as much as rats. That’s for sure. So, I’mma throw a good fucking on some roaches.

Kill: Rats!

Without hesitation. Just googling the word “rats” to find the pic above sent waves of panic through my system. I cannot live around rats. They’re huge, they eat stuff and they can climb walls. unlike roaches, I don’t feel comfortable stomping a rat to death. It might survive the beating and comeback for revenge. Mice, I’m down with, Woulda married them in a heart beat. But rats? DEAD. ALL OF THEM.

Marry: Bed Bugs

This one is specific to me and I realize, for most people , they’d be the “Kill”. understandably so. They ruin lives. However, there’s a chance I’m not allergic to their bites. I don’t know this for sure but, a while back, some friends and I went to the woods and the hotel we we stayed at had a bed bug problem. Both the people I was with, who stayed in the same hotel as me, got eaten alive. I did not. Granted, i was in a different bed than them but the fact I came out clean either means I’m the luckiest man alive (which is possible) or I’m not effected by bed bug bites. So, there is a strong chance I’m wrong about this and would be entering into a marriage of true despair BUT, if i’m right, i just beat the system. I would be taking these three horrific things and making one a non-factor. It’s really a dice roll but I’m not marrying a fucking rat. EVER.

Hello and welcome to your favorite (or most hated) column, Fuck/Marry/Kill. You know the game. we’ve all played it. It’s dumb as fuck. That’s why we do it.
As always, I feel obligated to preface this with “This is not serious. If you’re offended by this than I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just for fun and i can assure you I don’t really wanna kill or marry any of these things/people. I’d fuck a bunch of them though. The only reason I don’t do men is cause I want to not fuck them all equally so, please, take this all with a grain of salt”.
Anyway, if you got some interesting F/M/K options, leave them in the comments. Get creative cause I’ve been doing this for a while. No madonna, katy perry, lady gaga etc…get weird.

F/M/K-Mary-Louise Parker, Mary J Blige, Mary-Kate Olsen

Marry: Mary Louise Parker

I think “Weeds” kinda sucked but, when they casted it, they nailed it. She’s a subtle sexy older lady. I remember seeing her in movies in the 90’s and not thinking much of her then , all of a sudden, she’s over 40 and hotter than ever. That’s not something you can say about many people. I’ve always felt the “life begins at 40” saying was bullshit. I’m nearing 40 and my life is pretty much over. At least the fun stuff , so fuck all that noise. But I digress…MLP seems like a great wife. And she’s proven that she ages well…way better than I will, that’s for sure.

Fuck: Mary J Blige

I chose her for two reasons.
1)Sex with Mary J Blige would be nuts. She’s been through some shit. Like real inner demons and awful life decisions type shit. I’d like to think that all comes out during sex …in a good way. It would be emotional and maybe a little scary but, hey, she’s just Mary!
2)She’s mary J Blige. How funny and awesome would that be to have on the hit list? Like someone is bragging about how they boned some model once and you could be like “Oh word? I boned Mary J. Blige…recently!” No one could front on that. Not cause she’s some amazing catch (though she is definitely attractive) or anything but because, she’s just Mary.

Kill: Mary-Kate Olsen

I had to google this to see if she was the froggy looking one or the really froggy looking one. Didn’t matter (she’s the really froggy one, fyi). While a case could be made for marrying this one for the money alone, I’m simply not that shallow. I’ve never got their appeal. Maybe it’s cause I remember when they were babies on “Full house” but I don’t think that’s it. I like petite girls as much as the next guy but super skinny, pekingese looking troll dolls? Nah, bro. These two are simply don’t work for me. I’d feel like pedophile having sex with them and I’d feel like their dad if I married them. Oh well…

F/M/K Men’s fashion edition:flannel shirts, those beards, tight pants

Kill: Tight Pants

Holy shit do I miss the fashion of the 90’s. Not cause it looks better but cause it feels better. I’m a man with thick legs. My calves are like ovals. Because of this, tight pants don’t work for me. They’re uncomfortable. Not only do they limit my movement and crunch my nuts, they also always fuck with my phone in my front pocket. I’m the buttdial king. I once tweeted…from my pocket. It was two pictures in my phone and some gibberish. That would have never happened in 1997. I’d sooner lose my phone in my deep pockets. And I don’t even wear jeans that are that tight. You skin tight motherfuckers boggle my mind. I just assume you hate your penis.

Fuck:Flannel Shirts

I have this childish thing where I don’t like wearing shirts with buttons. I don’t know where it came from but it’s remained in my head since I was a kid. I never wear Flannel Shirts. I don’t even own one. I guess I always equate it to Joey Lawrence on “Blossom” or grunge music which I never gave a flying fuck about.
But, I’d be willing to try it once. Why not? Maybe I’d like it. Basically, flannel shirts are like ass play for me. Not what I’m looking to try but, if the choices are limited enough, I guess I’d give it a whirl.

Marry: Beards

I think beard culture is stupid. Like those “beard” contests they have are the dumbest shit on earth outside of over zealous weed enthusiasts and people who care too much about wine (but at last wine and weed fuck you up a little). I also think the fact any chinless goon can grow a beard and all of sudden get tons of girls is ridiculous. That said, I’m the son of a man with an amazing beard and I have a chin. So, personally, I’d sooner be a beard guy than any of these other things. My beard game is mediocre though. I can grow one but it takes forever. But, of the three options, I can see me having one at some point in my life. Until then, I’ll just keep going with the scruff cause it’s easy. And that’s what it’s all about.

F/M/K:Mean Girl Actors – Amanda Seyfried / Lacey Chabert / Rachel McAdams

Marry: Amanda Seyfried

She is one of my favorites. It’s funny cause, when “Mean girls” came out, she was like the forgotten girl. No one really spoke about her. A decade plus later and she’s easily the most successful of the bunch and, in my opinion, the hottest too. I’ve seen her in interviews as well and she’s very likable. Kinda weird. I like that. Sure, she has huge alien eyes and is almost translucent but she makes it work. I dunno…there must be a girl in my past who was like her cause she pushes my buttons. WIFE WIFE WIFE!

Fuck: Lacey Chabert

This was tough. I think Mcadams is way hotter than Chabert. In fact, it’s not even close. McAdams is straight up beautiful. However, we’re talking sex here. Little know fact: Guys are terrible human beings and what turns us on sexually will not always make sense.
Chabert looks like a mean girl. She’s got resting bitch face. She also has an insane body.I dunno…to me…that just is sexy. I hate that my brain sees that and likes it but it does. I can’t help it. It’s just how I’m wired. Maybe it’s the subconscious desire to want to win over the mean girl exterior. Maybe it just seems more exciting. I suppose this is a similar psychology to when good girls date assholes.

Kill: Rachel McAdams

Like I said, she’s beautiful. The prettiest girl of the bunch. She even seems sweet. But, I dunno…there’s something non-sexual about her. I feel like I’ve slept with girls like her and it’s always pretty meh. On the other hand, she’d make a great wife too, right? Probably. But, in this case, she came up against someone in Seyfried who is just a personal favorite of mine. So , regrettably, gotta kill her. It shouldn’t have to be like this though. *pours out a little liquor*

F/M/K: Fishing/Hunting/Kayaking

Kill: Kayaking

Honestly, I’d kill all three of these fucking things. I have zero interest in all of them so I’mma work my way from the bottom.
I will never be this brand of white person.
I’m not X-treme. Not even close. I don’t ever really like nature that much. I’m not about boats of any kind.The smaller they get, the less I’m about them. So you put me in a floating fucking coffin on some rocky rapids? FUCK THAT SHIT. I’d rather be on a cartoon raft made of 8 logs tied together going over a waterfall. I get that you outdoorsy types get a rush from this but not only does it look like hell on earth but it also looks exhausting. I’m good on this one. I’ll just sit it out and lounge by whatever campsite we got set up. They got wifi in the woods?

Fuck:Hunting

Look at this asshole. Ughh…
I don’t like killing things with bones in them. When there’s a mouse in my house, my girl handles it. I can do the insects but she takes care of the mammals.
So, hunting would not be easy for me. I’m simply not violent like that. That said, it would be cool to shoot weapons at stuff. Now, if this hunting is more some hand to hand combat kinda shit, I’d have major issues. I’m not trying to run up on an elk and stab it to death with a rambo knife. But if I got a gun or some arrows? That might actually be kinda fun. I’d do it once for sure. Maybe even get some good venison out of it. Shout out to venison.

Marry: Fishing

This was easy. Why? Cause fishing is bullshit and sitting on a big boat or a dock getting drunk while holding a stick is the lesser of three evils. I’ve fished a few times in my life. It was boring and completely uneventful…and I’m okay with that. It’s like my life at home if you took away all the tv’s and computers. Not saying it’s an ideal situation but I can certainly roll with the punches on that one. Also, i love fish so, on the off chance i caught one, I’d b psyched to eat it…after someone else cleaned it and cooked it, of course.

Whattup everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Fuck/marry/Kill”. It’s exactly what you think it is. however, as always, I must remind you that this is not meant to be taken seriously. If you find it offensive, just know that I am well aware that I have no right to fuck, marry or kill any of these things/places/people. The only reason I don’t do men is cause it would be a three way tie for who I wanna fuck the least, every time.
So, yeah, lighten up. Also, if you got some creative ideas for Fuck/marry/kill ideas, leave them in the comments below. I can’t stress the “creative” part enough. Get wild.

F/M/K:Scarlett Johansson in Ghost World, Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation, Scarlett Johansson in Match Point

Marry: Scarlett in “Lost in Translation”

I gotta say, these options are pretty obviously laid out. Each character represents a different side of sweet sweet Scarlett. In the case of “Lost in translation” she plays a under appreciated young wife. She’s thoughtful and in love but her husband is Giovanni Ribisi, so…you know, nuff said. Her character is pretty much written as the perfect wife. Even though the whole movie is about her finding a common bond with an older man , forming an emotional connection with him and (SPOILER ALERT) kissing him in an almost platonic way. She only does it cause her husband pushed her to it. I can get behind that. She’s okay in my book.

Fuck: Scarlett in “Match Point”

Simply put, she’s just a hot little sexpot in this movie. There’s nothing more to it. To be honest, I had a friend tell me about her in this movie and , whenever it’s on cable I just check to see if she’s on screen. If she isn’t, I change the channel. So, in a sense, I’ve “seen” this movie about 20 times but never from start to finish , yet I have a faint idea of what it’s about. Basically, I’ve perused it much like I would an old porn VHS tape. From what I’ve seen, she looks amazing in this movie. So, this choice is fairly easy. Fuck fuck fuck.

Kill: Scarlett in “Ghost World”

This is early scarlett. I’m not even sure she was over 18 at this point. I remember watching this movie and barely even noticing her. She wasn’t yet there, which is a good thing cause she was a child and I don’t need those guilty thoughts on my conscience.
In the movie, she plays a husky voiced girl who is drifting apart from her quirky and somewhat irrational best friend. Honestly, the thing I remember most about her is her voice. She’s a baritone. Add that to the underage thing and it’s an no brainer.
Side note: I do feel bad “killing” a teenager but that’s the name of the game.

F/M/K:Words-“Basic”, “Hipster”,“Selfie”

Marry: “Basic”

I love that this word means what it means. For so long the world has needed a single word that could cover so much ground. A catch all generalization. Most people are “basic”. Meaning simple and uninteresting. They go along with whatever happens around them cause they’re too dumb or self involved to even bother questioning things. The only downside of this word is that it gets used by everyone so freely it’s become one of those words that will eventually lose it’s meaning. Kinda like hipster. Everyone is basic to someone else. Somewhere out there, a juggling drag queen , physicist who owns a bait and tackle shop in the himalayan mountains is being called “basic” by some salty hater who, in all reality, it’s probably pretty basic.

Kill: “Selfie”

Obviously. We, as a race of humans, are the worst. Selfies represent many facets of why we are the worst. Now, to be clear, I’m not even that bothered by them. In fact, if you’re a hot girl, don’t ever stop taking them. Just know that , as pleasing as they can be to the eye, they do speak of a silent desperation, desire to be liked and loneliness.
Beyond the actual seflies, the term “selfie” has become like the word “literally” in it’s misuse. It now means any picture taken by anyone of any number of people. I think as long as someone is holding the camera and taking the picture of themselves and whoever else is with them, it qualifies as a “selfie”, which makes no sense. That’s like calling an orgy “masturbating”.

Fuck: “Hipster”

I don’t really know how this one lands on “fuck” but it’s pretty much by default. I feel as though Hipster is no longer a useful term cause it means everything and everyone. Basically, If you’re a person between 15-40 and you pay attention to anything involved in the pop culture stratosphere in the slightest capacity, you are a hipster. I’m a hipster. You’re a hipster. Your dad might be a hipster. Clearly, it’s not a select group like it used to be. It’s also turned into a derogatory term for any one who someone feels tries too hard…which is ironic considering that actual hipsters, by nature, are all about trying too hard. They’re all about being the first to know about something and, in general, being ahead of the social curve. You know who the real hipsters are? Crazy right wing separatists. Mark my word, when the the economy collapses and shit starts hitting the fan, they’ll be the ones in their homemade bunkers like “I was about this revolution lifestyle , like, forever…”

FMK: Andie MacDowell, Frances McDormand, Mary Steenburgen

Kill: Frances Mcdormand

Even though she’s , by far, my favorite actress of this bunch , I’m still a flawed and shallow man. I don’t want to kill her. Not even a little bit but in this fucked up game, there always has to be one. As talented as she is, she’s just not someone I would ever want to put my penis inside (I’m sure the feelings mutual so i don’t feel that bad). This is 100% based on physical traits and I’m ashamed…but i’m also not a liar.

Fuck: Andie Macdowell

I can’t say I’ve ever been too attracted to Andie Macdowell. She’s made a career of being the sweet and relatable pretty southern lady that dates dudes in their 40’s. As a man inching towards my 40’s, I suppose it’s time I submit and just accept that Andie macdowell is a good pull for an older man (or, I should say, the Andie Macdowell of the 90’s). She’s certainly not an ugly lady. She’s very pretty in that “I don’t care what her vagina looks” kinda way. There’s a definite lack of sexual oomph from Mrs Macdowell. But, hey, if she’s good enough for Steve martin and Bill Murray (in movies), She’s surely good enough for me.

Marry: Mary Steenburgen

Check this out…She’s low key kinda hot. Very low key. Look at the pic above. I bet you didn’t know that whole thing was working like that, did you? Not only that, as a wife, she seems like she’d be amazing. She’s sweet, warm and just looks like how I imagine a wife looks for an older man. She’s one of those older women who , as a younger man, you never even consider as “attractive” cause they’re so much older than you but, as a full grown adult, i can see it. She’s a sneaky one.

F/M/K Asia, Africa, Europe (the continents, not 80s bands)

Marry: Europe
This is a fucked up one. I should note that I don’t create these options. They are sent in from readers.
So, yeah…I’mma marry Europe. Why? Cause I’m of european descent , I’ve been there a bunch of times and it makes sense to me. I’m sure there are a grip of you out there fondling your lame dicks to the idea of marrying Asia (cause you’re asia-phile creeps) but, to me, I’m all about comfort and simplicity. I may not understand what people are saying in many parts of europe but, for the most part, it still feels like planet earth to me. The signs are in english letters (Except far east), the food is amazing and varied , and the women are just like the food. I dunno if i could ever truly live in another country but , if I did, it would undoubtedly be somewhere in europe.

Fuck: Asia

I really don’t have a deep desire to go anywhere in Asia. Not saying I wouldn’t, but there’s nothing in me that’s dying to get out there. It should also be noted that I’m also not a person who loves traveling. I do it so much in my normal life that the thrill is gone. That said, I’d do it. So “Fucking” asia makes perfect sense. I’d be most excited about the food cause, let’s face it, asian food is pretty much the best. Other then that, I’m far too much a creature of comfort to ever truly feel at home out there. I had enough trouble feeling chill in eastern europe , let alone a continent with like 100 billion people who don’t speak english and are constantly on the go. Admittedly, I’m the selfish asshole here and i bet the continent of asia is fucking amazing but, hey, no ones perfect.

Kill: Africa

This one is just setting me up for a backlash. It’s a lose/lose.
I just wanna clarify that Africa is the mother of civilization and , in many ways, the most important continent in earth’s history. None of us would be here without Africa. But this isn’t about history. It’s about the reality of what place ‘d want to marry, fuck or kill. I have ZERO interest ever going there. I’m simply just not that kind of adventurous dude. Some people want to explore foreign lands and experience other cultures. Me? i just wanna eat good food and take it easy. I mean, perhaps if I was a wild life enthusiast or something but, I’m not. I think that Africa is just place that doesn’t speak to my personal interests. All the good things about it are things that don’t really excite me as a destination. Also, civil unrest and disease are not my bag so, regrettably, I would have to kill africa.