Your body does not love you.


As I got out of bed today, sore all over from yesterdays basketball game, it got me thinking about all these things that are in my future , physically.
I know I’ve harped on this “I’m getting old” shit many times before but this is slightly different. This isn’t about the 21-year-old girls or drugs I can no longer do or regrets of situations long passed over. This is about the realization that as we all age, we just gotta start dealing with the gradual decline of our bodies. I remember when I was in my early 20’s , I would wonder when I’d eventually just hit a wall and no longer be able to run as fast or jump as high. Unfortunately, due to some extreme ankle injuries, I never found out for sure. But one thing is clear, as I approach turning 34 (which, by the way, seemed like half way to death when I was in my early 20’s), things don’t just stop working. You don’t just wake up one day with a gut and a bum shoulder. Aging creeps up on you. Just when I’m thinking “Man, I feel run down. I’m getting old…” and whole new batch of aging shit jumps out of nowhere. I’m talking things like hemorrhoids, hair loss on the head and hair gain where you don’t want it, weird skin issues, throwing your back out because of a sneeze and a host of other things that you don’t even consider when you’re younger. Granted , all these things can really start at a young age but , more often than not, they get you later down the line, when your defenses are down. Like, at what point does my breath take that turn from what it is now, into old man breath? Every 40 plus dude I know has a certain kinda breath that just smells like his innards have given up on trying and opted to secrete musk.
I find that a persons physical decline is marked by tiny events. Things that happen to most people but certainly stand out when they happen to you.
For me, this list consists of:

The day I could no longer hang on a basketball rim

When I was 22 , I tore three ligaments in my left ankle and lost about 10 inches in my vertical leap. Like an idiot, I didn’t rehab it. I didn’t do shit. But it did eventually heal (kinda). I was never the same after it but I eventually worked my back to being able to get above the rim with little trouble. About two years ago, I dunked (on a rim about 3 inches lower than 10 feet) and that was that. Never again. I had hit the wall and nowadays I can barely touch a regulation rim. Nothing happened. No injury lowered my leap this time around. I simply can no longer jump that high.

My first hemmorrhoid
This happened this year. At first, i thought I had asshole cancer but , through the magic of google , i quickly learned it was simply a hemmorhoid. (just a heads up for those in a similar situation: DO NOT do a picture search of that word. It will ruin your life). Anyway, once I came to terms with these annoying little things possibly being something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life, I went to the drug store and some preparation H. This greasy ass (literally) substance may or may no be a placebo but it worked on some level because that hemmorrhoid went away.

Losing hair

For me, this started at a young age. While none of you have ever seen me without a hat (word to LL Cool J), I can say that I’m not bald. But balding, for sure. Because this started at a young age for me, I never connected it to getting old. I more connected it to “FML” and there is no god. I’ll never forget one of my older girlfriends pointing my receding hairline to me when i was in my early 20’s. I had never noticed but she was right. From there, it became a depressing timeline as the hair just kept on jumping ship.
but getting back to aging appropriately, as i look around me, a few of my friends who have had luscious manes over the years are starting to feel the heat. The heat of the sun burning on that tiny bald spot or receding hairline. For men, there is nothing worse, outside of impotence, than balding and , unfortunately for us, one of the most effective anti-hair loss remedies also happens to MAYBE make you dick worthless. So, you know, that’s a real toss-up.

My first rectal exam
See here

The gullet
This is the double chin like thing that appears as you get older. It’s not a fat persons double chin. it’s just the result of not being in amazing shape and your facial skin loosening. I’m fairly certain there is nothing that can be done about this once it has established itself outside of plastic surgery.When we’re younger, this feature can be attributed to baby fat but once you’re reach your late 20’s, that thing is officially just grown person fat. Mine isn’t even that bad right now but I foresee this being the bane of my vane existence in upcoming years.

Grey hairs…in my beard.

When I was a little younger, if I let my beard grow out, a light reddish hue would appear around the hair of my cheeks. Well, that was shot lived. Nowadays it’s a grey hair jamboree. It’s not even that bad but I’ve noticed the grey hairs always seem to be the longest hair. I’m glad they’re such go getters. I gotta say, when I saw the first one, it really took me for a loop. I didn’t expect it at all.

There are many more marks of aging I could list but those jumped out at me. But what also jumps out at me are the things I may have to deal with in the near future. Things people my age and a little older seems to be dealing with on a regular basis.
Things like:

Kidney stones
I seriously have woken up in a panic from a realistic dream about having kidney stones. That scene from “deadwood” races through my brain every time I hear of someone else I know who has gotten them. It’s like knowing, eventually down the line, you will get shot…in your urethra.

The unfixable injury
I’ve already got one in my shoulder but it doesn’t really effect anything besides the fact I can no longer play softball and how I sleep (no more right arm under the pillow). I’m speaking more of a knee, back or ankle injury that will just put all physical activity to bed…forever(I’m literally knocking on wood right now).

Cancer
This shit obviously had no age preference but the older you get the more weird things you find on your body, the more you think you’re coming down with some horrible shit.

Losing my eyesight
My eyesight is well into it’s decline even though I’m yet to get glasses. It’s only getting worse. Hours a day in front of computer screens isn’t helping anything. Luckily for me, I rarely read anything so I might be able to hold out on glasses for another few years.

Having a baby
I feel like this, above everything else, will be the official death of my youth. I’m not young but , as much as I’m complaining here, I don’t feel like an adult most of the time. Having a kid will stop that dead in the tracks. Granted, it’s something I will hopefully do in my life but it will be the undeniable transition into 100% adulthood. In a way, I’m looking forward to that , just not right now.

So, listen up all you happy-go-lucky young motherfuckers. This is what you have to look forward to. Sure, you gain knowledge and understanding as you get older. While life gets more hectic due to growing responsibilities, a lot of things do simplify. But one thing is clear, your body doesn’t give a fuck about you and has no plans of keeping up past a certain point. As Denis Leary once said “Life sucks, get a helmet”.

The bummy bitch quarter life crisis

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Ok, this is gonna seem kinda harsh but I’m really just trying to help.
I’ve noticed a trend in girls when they hit their mid/late 20’s. I’d like to call it the “The bummy bitch quarter life crisis”. Obviously, this isn’t referring to all girls of that age, but there are a noticeable amount who seem to hit a wall…physically. I see how it happens. You’ve been able to drink 5 nights a week and eat cheeseburgers at 4 am your whole life yet keep that svelte girlish figure. You’ve been smoking cigarettes for ten years and , aside from coughing a little, the effects are ignorable. However, something happens to a females body around 25-27 when all that youthful resilience starts to wane. All of a sudden, you’ve put on 15 pounds and you’re skin is starting to age rapidly. now this, as a thing that happens to all people, I really can’t hate on. It’s easy to lose track and just all of a sudden look down and “woah, i have a gut!”. My issue is the people who refuse to do anything about it. Not even on some “you lazy piece of shit” type thing. It’s more a question of where is your vanity? where’s your pride? It’s like throwing in the towel after getting hit once. No one wants to look like shit. that’s a given. but there’s got to come a time when you’re rummaging through old photo albums and you stumble across a picture from 3 years ago…and barely recognize yourself. I sure know that feeling. i look at pictures of myself from my late teens and early 20’s and it’s pretty depressing. But not cause I’m a huge fat ass now. it’s cause i’ve aged accordingly. and, as we all know, getting old sucks. I realize, it’s kinda unfair cause men and women age differently. We too go through the age where we can no longer eat whatever we want and not get fat. fortunately for us, it’s a little later (early 30’s). But for these mid-20 year olds who have skated through life on their looks, they are in for a grim reality. All those years they scoffed at the fat girl are about to come back ten fold. Cause not only will they be joining the ranks, They’ll have the awful addition of knowing what it was once like to be a skinny girl. They’ve lived their whole lives as the pretty/skinny/fit girl and have garnered the attention being that girl entails. They have no idea what it’s like on the other side. and no episode of tyra will ever prepare them for it. It’s like the opposite of when a formally fat guy loses lots of weight and is all of a sudden a handsome guy. so now, you have a handsome guy with the charming and humble personality of a fat guy. you know what that guy gets? laid. On the other end, you have a formally hot and trim girl who gains a ton of weight. so now, you have an annoying , vapid and entitled fat girl that no one wants anything to do with. You know what that person gets? Lonely. That’s the problem. It’s not like these girls have been overweight their whole lives and it’s been a constant battle. People with actual weight issues really can’t be blamed. It’s genetics and it’s simply harder for them to work it off. No, these girls have basically chosen that route. When the fork in the road came and the first signs of gut started popping up they saw two signs. one read “exercise a little. don’t eat like a pig, stop drinking all the time and quit smoking” the other read “ride this hedonistic fattie lifestyle out and be a lazy sack of shit” , trust me, you can tell which one a girl has chosen.
Now, before any of you girls out there get all up in arms about this shit, recognize, I’m no beacon of good health. Me with my shirt off isn’t exactly the jump off. However , as badly as i do sometimes eat and as lazy as i can be, I do TRY to keep my shit together. I’m attempting to postpone that woeful day where i look in the mirror and say “well, we had a good run..you’re officially this guy now…this fat douche bag of a guy”. So, for you girls out there , it’s not too late. jump on it now before you become the woman with 12 cats and a vagina dustier then ancient parchment. The world is a cold place in general..but trust me, it’s a hell of a lot colder for a sloppy bum ass bitch.

I’ll pass on oldness

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I recently went to an orthopedic doctor to get my fucked up shoulder looked at. As I walked into the office I was surprised by the insane amount of super old people there were in the waiting room. It makes sense that an orthopedic doctor’s office would be brimming with the elderly but I was not expecting it, so I was caught off guard.

While sitting in the tiny waiting room that smelled like ratty old person mildew, I got sort of sad (or, as sad as I am able to get). Not because I pitied the old folks in the room with me, sure, it sucks to be them, but more because the realization hit me , more than ever before, that getting old is going to suck.

I remember when i was in my early 20’s, someone posed the question; “Would you rather live an amazing life and die at 40 or live a normal life and die at 80?” Back then I went with the ‘amazingly dead at 40’ plan which was partially due to the fact that my idea of an amazing life was smoking mad weed, getting drunk all the time, and fucking as many beautiful women as I could wrangle. Over a decade later, I can’t say I’d really want either option. Seeing that I’m closer to 40 then i am to 20, I don’t think my life is close to being complete.

Perhaps Ii should smoke more weed, drink more, and have more sex? Meh…

The thing is, I still don’t feel like a grown up most of the time. I think you assume that certain shit is just going to kick in when you turn a certain age but, as far as I can see, I’m still sitting at the kids table come Thanksgiving. On a similar note, upon seeing the wretched existence that most 80 plus year olds have, I’d certainly like to pass on that as well.

You know how people say that the great thing about getting older is that you get wiser? This is certainly true yet I feel like there’s a cap on that, somewhere between 65 and 80, you’re as wise as you’re gonna get. You’re not learning shit after that point. In fact, I’d wager that all that wisdom is overridden by slowly losing your mind and your body’s complete failure to do what you want it to. I saw an old guy get called in for his appointment and it took him 5 minutes to stand up and another 5 to walk 15 feet to the door, not to mention, he had to lean on the wall for balance. That fucking sucks on every level imaginable. If the choice is that kind of life or death, I’d take death without hesitation.

What’s also shitty about being old is that you have to deal with young people and a changing world around you. My mom is in her early 70’s and the thought of teaching her how to send a text message is mind numbing, I might as well teach a new born baby how to tie a sailors knot. I’m not looking forward to 50 years from now when motherfuckers are flying around in jet packs and sending mind texts from their internal i-phone brain stem attachment. I can just see myself weakly grasping at my 20 year old apple laptop as the last thing I ‘understand’.

So, personally, I’d like to call it quits when my body does. Granted, that could be anywhere between 70 and 90 but I feel like it’s a good benchmark. The second I am permanently unable to walk on my own, wheel my old ass to the nearest bridge and dump me into the waters below like a sack of wet laundry.

Trust me, I won’t feel a thing.

Old to the new

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I was walking down the street today and I passed a group of high schoolers. My immediate reaction, because I’m a prick, was “fuck these kids…” But as I continued walking I began thinking of being young. Some guy once said “youth is wasted on the young” [according to google , it was George Bernard Shaw]. That quote popped into my head after seeing those kids…

I thought about it and I’d say that quote is half right. Everyone always says “Man, if I knew then what I know now…”. I’ve said it, probably once a day for the past 8 years, and like most grown men, I am full of regrets. Most of them have to do with pussy I should have gotten in high school, I’m pretty sure most guys can relate to that. However, there is so much shit you can only do when you’re young that becomes completely unacceptable once you enter adulthood. Shit like getting retarded haircuts, wearing florescent sneakers, doing acid and eating Mcdonalds.

When you’re young, unless you royally fuck up and do some shit like kill someone, you can usually bounce back from whatever. Mistakes are par for the course. The older you get, the less mistakes you can really make. So, with that said, I just wanted to weigh the pro’s and cons of youth vs. being grown up.

SEX-

Young men have it good cause they get to have sex with teenaged girls. While, in theory, I’d love to fuck a 19 year old, I also don’t really want to. An 18 year old guy can fuck a 17 year old girl and feel no shame about it. That’s nice. On the downside, most young girls are too insecure, too inexperienced, or (in this day and age) have seen to much weird porn to be fun to have sex with.

On the guy side, sorry ladies, but you’re fucking an 18 year old boy. You’re lucky if he doesn’t bust a nut from touching his dick when he pees, let alone putting it in your vagina. Not to mention, an 18 year old boy’s finger banging skills probably resemble Winnie the Pooh violently digging his paw in the honey pot. So, unfortunately, the older and more unattractive we get, the better we get at sex. It’s as if the lower your balls hang, the more skills you’ve attained.

Irony is awesome like that.

DRUGS-
I know I’ve covered drugs before so bear with me if this is at all repetitive.

When you’re young, you don’t have perspective. When I was a kid, I looked at stoned people as risk takers. People who smoked weed were edgy. As I got older, and people started doing harder drugs, that was even edgier. The first time I saw someone do coke I was in high school and I remember thinking “Holy shit, people my age do that? That’s so crazy!” It was when I smoked weed that it was all demystified.

Years later I see someone who smokes mad weed as kinda bummy and I look at cokeheads as the least edgy people on the planet. But if you’re young, you might as well get it out of the way then. No one should start doing drugs once they have a career going and if you do ecstasy with any regularity after the age of 25, you truly need to check yourself…into the douche hospital.

The kind of drugs that really do separate the ages are hallucinogens. That’s the youth drug of all time cause it’s the kinda shit that actually can mold a person. For better or worse, when you’re young and have no real worries beyond family and friends, you can do some shrooms and just bug out. Once you become an adult and have some shit on your plate, forget about it. It’s hard enough to jerk off and not think of paying taxes let alone taking some acid and not totally going insane.

I’ve had amazing times on mushrooms. While I don’t recommend them, I’m also not about to tell a 19 year old to not do it. fuck’em..they aren’t my kids! But, on a darker note, I have a family member who took way too much liquid acid once. He tripped for 30 hours, ended up pissing on his chest cause he was laying down naked with with a hard on and then he tried to bone his own mom. So, you know, be careful.

EATING-

I remember being able to eat a #2 meal at Mcdonalds and then immediately play a two hour game of basketball afterwards. If I did that now, I’d shit in my pants on the way to the court. Young people have iron stomachs. From junk food to drinking, they can handle it. When you get older, all of a sudden all these weird stomach afflictions materialize. Food allergies and shit, that was never a problem before, start to take over. Not to mention, health wise, your diet HAS to change.

Ideally, I’d like eat some form of fried food with mayo and/or cheese on it for every meal but if I did that I doubt I’d ever get off the toilet again. Once you reach a certain age, you begin to monitor your meals. That tub of ice cream you used to be able to put away after smoking a blunt is a thing of the past. Unless, of course, you don’t mind being a totally fat piece of shit. If that’s not an issue, then I suppose there is no difference between eating when you’re young and when you’re old.

Except for the seizures and heart attacks.

KNOWLEDGE-

Of course, everyone thinks they know everything at all times. From 15 to 50, there’s rarely a moment when anyone thinks they’re not the smartest person in the world. As you get older, you definitely do get smarter and you learn more and more about human nature and why people act they way they do. When I was 15, I knew everything. Then, when I was 20, I looked back on how little I knew when I was 15 and that never ends…But the funny thing is when you, as a 30 year old, come across a 21 year old who is bright eyed and full of opinions and ideas – that person hasn’t been broken down by the reality of life yet and they still have that taking the bull by the horns mentality – I’d like to say it’s cute but it’s more just naive. It is also pretty standard…as I’ve said before, it’s all about perspective. nothing gives you that like the passing of time.

With that said, you can’t dismiss that some people, no matter what age, will always be idiots or assholes. I’d like to say people grow out of that but if you’re a 22 year old total dickface, it’s pretty much ingrained in you to be like that forever. Unless people did some sort of dickface intervention…that’d be nice. Oh and bear in mind, I will most likely read this in a few years and blush at how stupid I was…

So, really, some parts of youth are wasted on the young. Soft skin, firm boobs, great hair and all other things related to your physical appearance. That’s wasted cause, a lot of the time, they don’t know what they have. But the drugs, iron stomach and awkward sex? They can have that. The good thing about youth is everyone goes through it so, unless you’re a child actor, it skips no one. We all get our chance to fuck up and rebuild or not fuck up and have regrets.

So, next time you’re out and see a 22 year old having fun, shit faced while making out with some hot person, with no worries in the world, remember, those are best days of his/her life and you’ve done that already.

And if you haven’t? don’t worry…that’s what hookers are for.