Battle of the worst. There can only be one.

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This week, I got put on to three videos that made me both wanna cut my ears off, gouge my own eyes out and laugh the entire time I was doing that. Thing is, all three of these vids are extremely different. It’s a very “Apples to oranges” situation going on here. But, I’m curious what you guys think. First lemme run down the nominees and give some brief thoughts on each video.
1)”Get Swoll”- Big Con

This one is just…wow. I mean…holy shit. Even though you haven’t seen the other two vids yet, I can assure you, this one is easily the most entertaining video. Aside from the spectacle of a mountain sized man rapping kinda like how Professor X used to (except with way less politics and a whole shit load of roids) , there is so much going on here, it’s overwhelming. Just amazing. It’s a subtle look into the mind of extreme body builders. Men so hell bent on being huge they probably need a broomstick to wipe their asses. The clips of the old ladies at the gym and gangbangers on the corner being visably impressed by his swoll-ness are pretty much my favorite. That said, this dude is having a coming of age of sorts in this song. he’s realizing that being a huge bully isn’t what life is all about. He’s for the kids. Even the mexican ones who hassle his little Hanson looking homeboy.

2)”I feel I bring”- Aer

Remember LFO? That abecrombie and fitch song? Well, they’ve been re-imagined with a slight reggae edge and a longer surfboard. Actually, these dudes look more like the type to ride longboards. No water necessary, brah! Maybe it’s my east coast bias (and I have no clue where these dudes are from) but this is so southern Cali it makes me want to vomit. Like these guys wear open toed shoes 25 days a month and eat sandy fish tacos 2 times a day. Clearly, I’m not the target audience for this and should ignore it but, at the same time, sometimes you hear a song that just bothers you in it’s existence. This is one of those times. Kool Herc does no approve!
That said, a mash up video featuring Big Con meeting Aer would be the greatest video of all time.

(Edit: They are from Massachusetts. Everyone one of you should be ashamed of yourself for letting this happen.)

3)”Shark Week”- Hand Job Academy

Oh man. I was just thinking, you know what the world needs? A comedic female rap duo of brooklyn transplants that rap about their periods. MY WISHES HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.
Here’s the thing, I know they’re joking. This song is literally a joke song. As someone who’s done a whole album of joke raps, I get it. However, this shit is corny. That’s all there is to it. They made a song about their periods. I see why they’d do that and I get it…it’s just not particularly funny. I’m sure their friends love it and that’s cool but…no. That said, That’s not really my beef with it though. Parody rap is generally not funny. Trust me, I know. We all learn the hard way. My problem is that I’m sick of shitty white girls joke rapping. It’s the musical equivalent of when an old white woman in a movie with a hip hop theme would say some shit like “For shizzle my nizzle!” and everyone in the crowd laughs.
The second I hear someone put on their “rap voice” where they start pronouncing words with that over the top street edge and the rap hands start flying, it’s over for me. Joke or no joke. By doing it , you’re either making fun of rapping or you’re portraying your own weird stereotypes of how rap is supposed to be done. Either way, shit’s wack. I realize I’m over analyzing this and it’s really a harmless little song. I Just wish , for the sake of my ears, people would stop making shit like this. White girls, white guys…white people. White. All of them. just stop. Youtube hits only pay so much.

So, which is the worst? This is open to interpretation. It could mean literally the worst song/video or the song that annoyed you the most or the one with the least entertainment value. Basically, if you had to pick on of these three videos to play for your biggest enemy over and over again, which would it be?