Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 5

siskel-and-ebert
Who has time to to see movies nowadays? I see them here and there but it’s hard to keep up. And paying 14 bucks to see a movie is really crazy. I’m not even a cheapskate…that shit is totally ridiculous though. Thank satan for cable and netflix though.
Anyway, this is a column where I cut out the middleman. Listen, you know when you’re watching a preview and , when it ends , you’re like “Eh, I’m good…”. Why see the movie when the preview basically just showed you everything you’d need to see? So, this is me, reviewing movies based entirely on their previews. Full of assumptions and generalizations, Just the way I like it. That said, I’d be shocked if I was wrong about a single thing.

I, Frankenstein

Hollywood executive #1: Hey, I got an idea.You know how all comic books and monster classics have been reworked for a more gritty look? You know, like Batman or whatever. Well, don’t you think it’s time we give that treatment to Frankenstein?

Hollywood executive #2: I can’t believe no ones thought of this yet. Brilliant. So, we’d just retell the story in modern times?

Exec. #1: Well, kinda…modern times but instead of telling a story that remotely resembles of the original, we should just make him a good guy with super powers who saves the world.

Exec. #2: Ahhh….interesting. So he’s like a super hero but he’s also a frankenstein? A…good monster?

Exec. #1: Exactly! And who will play him? I got the perfect guy. Aar…

Exec. #2 (interrupting): Aaron Eckhart, obviously.

Exec. #1: Jinx!! Clearly. No other actor in his mid forties has that box office pull when it comes to action films quite like good old Eckhart. After all, he was Harvey Dent. And everyone knows, the only reason anyone went and saw that movie is cause of Harvey Dent.

Exec. #2: Clearly.
Wait, one thing though…can the entire thing be shot in a dark underworld? You know, the kind that every movie like this ever made has been shot in?

Exec. #1: uh…yeah dude. We’ll light the entire movie with flashlights and candles. It’s gonna be gothic as fuck.

Exec. #2: Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna start writing it tonight with my 6 year old son. It should be done by tomorrow morning.

Exec. #1: Sounds great. I’m gonna go murder a prostitute with my bare hands for sport and then get a latte. Let’s talk tomorrow.

Hercules: The legend begins

First and foremost, I’m pretty sure Hercules was a massive strong man. And didn’t look like a guy who dances with Lady Gaga. This guy is obviously jacked but shouldn’t he be Dwayne Johnson Level huge? He’s fucking Hercules. This guy looks like he does cross fit. Hercules should be closer to one of those kinda fat looking strong men who flips tires and pulls trucks by his teeth.
Secondly, between the movie 300 and Game of thrones, it seems like everyone is clamoring to make the next medieval banger that involves swords and sorcery. From movies to TV shows, everyone is wearing chainmail and fighting in skirts. The problem , in this particular case, is that it looks like it was made on a macbook and it stars the ensemble of an obscure gay porno.
More than anything, much like Godzilla movies, Hollywood has to just accept that a Hercules Movie is never going to happen. How many versions of this need to be made? It peaked out as “Clash of the titans” and that’s not saying much (have you watched that lately? jesus christ).
Oh and anytime the phrase “The legend begins” is in a movie title, rest assured, the legend has seen it’s last film. That’s like naming your kid some shit like “Champ” and assuming he’s going to be a pro-athlete. It doesn’t work like that. Sorry.

Vampire academy

The theme this week is rehashing things that have been run into the ground via retooling the with a slightly different twist. In this case, we got Vampires. Much like Zombie movies/tv shows, this is territory so well worn there’s literally nowhere to go with it…or is there!?!?!?
Wait, you’re telling me there’s a school for a vampires? Get the fuck outta here. And they’re not inherently bad? No one’s ever taken that angle before except those other 50 movies that did in the last 2 years.
I’m not a 15 year old girl so I’ll never really be able to grasp the obsession with why vampire movies about teenagers work so well. I mean, as horrible as those Twilight movies are, I get it. The same way I get why , once a year, Channing Tatum will make movie where he’s a farm hand who ends up falling in love with a girl who owns horses and lives in a castle. It’s not for me, but I get it’s purpose. Is it simply that teens seeing other teens on a big screen makes them relatable? Who knows.
But these kinda vampire action/comedies , presumably made for tween girls…I don’t get it. But maybe that’s the point. Movies like this are like dog whistles for old people like me.
That said, I plan on watching about 5 minutes of this before disgustedly changing the channel when it shows up on cable.

Lone survivor

Spoiler alert: It’s called Lone Survivor. I’m gonna venture a guess that everyone accept that one guy dies. Handsome guy from “Friday night lights”? probably dead. Marky MArk? Maybe dead. Emile Hirsch? Goddamnit…he better die.
Truth be told, any movie where I get to see Emile Hirsch meet his maker can’t be that bad. But, I swear, if he’s the lone survivor…fuck this movie.