This week, Pollyne and Tony Discuss how to remain a person of dignity while being on social networks. They also break down the top ten things we’ve learned about Pollyne since the inception of this podcast.
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Remember the “Stop Snitching” Craze of the early/mid 2000’s? Who can forget that time Cam’ron went on TV and said that, if he knew his neighbor was a serial killer, he’d opt to move , rather than inform the authorities. While I always felt taking it that far was detrimental , I did somewhat agree with the over all theory of people minding their own business.
With that era behind us and snitching being common place on many different levels, it would seem it’s trickled down to a very low level. A pathetic level. Social networks.
Now, there are certainly things that need to be regulated on social networks. I don’t think anyone wants mass amounts of bullying, child porn or ultra violence in their time lines. As with most things, the rules of common decency should be respected. The problem is that when you let regular dipshits police the internet by giving them a “report this for offensive material” button, you’re letting anyone who feels some sorta way about anything control what the rest of the world sees.
So, the other day, I posted this picture on my instagram
With a caption that read: The stripper at my brother’s bachelor party is really mailing it in
Within 20 minutes, someone had reported it and it was taken down , accompanied by this email
Now, right after I posted it, someone had commented “Report this”. I assumed they were kidding cause, well, it’s a picture of a cute baby, being cute, with a joke caption. I recognize that the caption could be perceived as risque but, gimmie a fucking break. But just to be sure, I responded “Hey, this is my nephew. He’s not a stripper. It’s a joke #noNAMBLA”
10 minutes later, the picture was taken down and all I wanted to know was which dumb motherfucker saw that and was like “Oh my heavens! That is offensive to my pussy soft sensibilities!” and reported it. I wanted to know so i could ridicule that fucking loser but also so I can block them.
There’s a few point to be drawn from this:
1)Instead of reporting stuff like this (when instagram is literally full of half naked 14 year olds who probably should be reported), just unfollow. It’s so simple. I love that people feel entitled to make judgment calls on behalf of everyone , even though those calls are based entirely on their myopic life view. In this case, a person was offended by a baby’s bottom and an obvious joke. What an asshole.
2)We’ve reached a point where there is a level of puritanical thinking that a 9 month old child’s butt is offensive to someone. If it’s not that, than that means it got taken down cause of the caption, which is even crazier. There’s no accounting for bad taste and, perhaps, my joke was treading those waters but, at the end of the day, it was clearly a joke. And if someone couldn’t see that, that means that a person read that and actually thought I had hired a 9 month old baby to strip at my brother bachelor party. Forget the moral decay that would have to exist for that to even be a thing that people do. Do you know how hard it would be to even teach a baby that can’t walk to use a pole? Come on, son. That’s like teaching a dog how juggle. Regardless, either reason behind reporting a picture like that shows so many layers of “not getting it” that I feel as if trying to explain it to the person who did it would be pointless.
it should be noted that baby butts are not porn. Not even close. If they were, they probably wouldn’t show them in diaper commercials during day time tv. While there are some truly awful people out there who might turn it into something terrible in their heads, there are also people out there who fuck trees. So, let’s try and not report all those salacious pictures of forrests cause it made some dude in oregon’s dick hard.
I’ve only had one other picture ever taken down from instagram. It was early on in my posting. I was in my dads art studio and he had this crazy old bulletin board covered with awesome past cards. On it were funny sayings, pictures of art and random old doodles. One of those pictures was a photo of a post card of a DRAWING that had a nude woman on it. Specifically, her hairy bush. It wasn’t even the focal point. It was, however, a postcard of a famous painting that no doubt hangs in one of those most respected museums on earth and it’s probably worth more than the apartment I live in. but, nope, it had a naked women in it so it got reported and taken down. Keep in mind, this wasn’t even a real naked women but a drawing of one. It blew my mind at the time but then I thought about it and it made sense. Everything is porn to some people. It reminded me of this awesome David cross bit about when John Ashcroft felt necessary to cover up the nude chest of Lady justice:
It’s ridiculous. All of it. But this is the world we live in. Ironically, I’m sure there is someone telling their friend how he saw a picture on instagram of a 9 month old stripper and he’s very likely finishing his statement the same way: “This is the world we live in”. The difference is, the world that guy lives in needs to be safe guarded to a point that he might as well live inside a fucking marshmellow. So to that person and people like him/her, stop. If you don’t like something , turn it off, change the channel or unfollow it. Whatever the case, leave me and every other marginally sane adult the fuck out of it. There are real creeps out there doing creepy things all over the place. You’re busy turning people in for jaywalking. Pick your battles but, most of all, mind your business. It’s really not that hard.
Like with most social networks, I’m always about 2 years behind. It happened with friendster, it happened with Myspace, It happened with Facebook and it happened with Twitter. After years of wondering “why the fuck do people care about Instagram?” I joined. Well, to be honest, I didn’t intend to really join. I signed up so I could look at a picture that i wanted to see that i couldn’t see anywhere else. Little did I know that, by signing up, it would alert all my facebook friends and twitter followers that I had joined. So, I signed up, took a piss and came back to see i had like 50 followers in 15 seconds. After about an hour I had a few hundred and figured , since I’m not one to half ass my social networking, I know had an instagram (follow me @blockheadnyc).
Here’s the thing, I’ve never been a person who took pics with my phone. Up until last year I had phones that’s photo capabilities were about on par with coal cave drawings. But, beyond that, I never really gave a shit about taking pics. Back in the day, I used to have a camera with me when I went out cause I liked capturing drunk debauchery and hot girls but that was about that. Now , all of a sudden I’m faced with filters and people being all artsy and shit. Word to dwayne wayne, It’s a different world.
So, within a few days, i pretty much figured out the law of the land with instagram. Much like other social networks, it’s easy to see where people stand right away with instagram. Right off the bat, I got accustomed to the “go to” pics of isntagram. And by “go to” I mean “completely played out shit that 95% of the people on instagram post all the fucking time”. Things like:
Oh, sunsets, no two are alike yet all of them ever are exactly alike. It’s funny how that works. I get people wanna show each other the breathtaking beauty of mother natures glory that they’re witnessing in person but , much like pictures of nature that people take on vacations, NO ONE CARES. Seriously, unless there’s a tornado with a DNA ladder like rotation of flailing cows whipping around it, I never need to see a picture of the sky again. I think I speak for most people when I say “WE GET IT”. Basically, sunset pics are the photo equivalent to telling another person about the dream you had last night.
As someone who loves food and watches multiple TV shows about food, I get where you guys are coming from. I’ve certainly sat down with a delicious meal in front of me and thought “Man,I wish other people could see what I’m about to eat”. But the food pics on instagram are beyond out of control. From what i’ve seen, this is primarily a girl thing. For some reason, girls love taking pictures of food the most. I don’t know if it’s some weird guilty thing about over eating or the complete opposite where they want to brag to their dieting friends about all the awesome stuff the pile down their throats. Or perhaps (and most likely) it’s just that girls enjoy taking pics of visually pleasing things. Either way, it’s fucking corny.
On a deeper level, food pics don’t bug me that much cause, like i said, I love food. But if you can’t sit down at a table without needing to immortalize your soon to be fecal matter, then you have a problem. As someone with a highly food based lifestyle, even I have been tempted to snap a shot of my meals here and there. But I found a good way to get around it…taking pics of the food in my mouth.
I think the eating action shots are the way to go with food photography. Who needs to look at some old boring plate when you can just stuff the food inside you mouth and , not only get the short of the food, but also a reaction shot by an actual human face.
Listen, I’m not a monster. Babies are adorable. This is one aspect, coming from the Facebook world, that I fully expected to see endlessly on instagram. Now, Perhaps it’s just who I follow but this actually hasn’t been that bad. I’d say Facebook is way worse. The thing is, instagram is actually perfect for baby pics cause it’s just one pic at a time. You gotta choose your best shot and roll with it. Unlike facebook where it’s photo album upon photo album, as parents are just chronicling ever waking moment of their child’s life for their entire friend population. From their close family members to that person they fucked once 8 years ago, friended while drunk and forgot about. So, in this case, I actually support your baby pics. Unless you got an ugly kid, in which case, UNFOLLOWED.
Aww…look at your cat! he’s not like other cats! He’s special. and maaaaaan, look at your dog! He’s like a person! He eats food just like we do and breaths!
As someone who has not a morsel of interest in your pets (or pets in general), this kinda shit is the bane of my instagram existence. From what I’ve been told and explained a billion times, apparently, humans are very fond of their animals. They love their dogs and their cats…often more than actual people. While I think this all pretty ridiculous, I also (admittedly) might not have a soul.
Even with this complete disinterest I have for pets, even I can differentiate a cute animal pic from a “I’m bored in me bed , watching tv with my cat” animal pic. The latter, much like sunsets, are all the same. Every pic you take of your cat look exactly the same. Perhaps if you put a handkerchief around his neck and put a tiny cowboy hat on him, then it’s photo worthy. Otherwise , you’re just being that typical self indulgent instagrammer that most people secretly resent. You’re also probably a cat person which is almost unforgivable.
Much like downloadable musical equipment has given birth to a generation of talentless musicians who think they can do something simply because they’re allowed to, instagram has done the exact same thing for budding photographers. I understand the urge to artsy up your photos. Some of those filters really can make the most average picture look at least interesting. But you fuckers that go around posting out of focus , grainy pics of….well, i have no idea what they are cause they’re out of focus and grainy…You guys need to fall back. You’re not an artist. You’re just another asshole, just like me and everyone else on earth, with a camera on your phone. Point and shoot, bro.
THE AIRPLANE WINDOW SHOT
Ughh. Who hasn’t looked out an airplane window and thought “This would be an awesome picture” only to think about it for two seconds and realize “actually, no it wouldn’t be”. Much like sunsets, they are all the same and always boring. Trip pictures are bad enough but no one needs to see the “how you got there” part. Unless there’s a monster on the wing, don’t ever take an airplane window pic.
Now, while all those things make a dude want to never open the App again, there are obviously reasons why Instagram is awesome.
This could be anything from a funny pic off the internet to a random funny image caught in real life. In reality, THIS is what makes instagram great to me.
2)drunk party pics
Randomly snapping shots at random moments in random drunken nights have resulted in some fantastic pictures that are no only hilarious but will always remind those involved of that night.
3)girls in swim wear pics
Duh. Creeping is a major part of instagram. If you went to the beach, trust me that every dude that follows you would like to see how that went. Even those dumb, POV shots where you only see your legs and the fruity drink you’re drinking. It’s better than nothing.
I don’t think I need to explain this one. As long as no one reports you, it’s all good.
5)Pics capturing some sort of achievement that needs to be announced/crucial life updates
Things like graduations, wedding, new baby, catching a big fish, killing your first hobo, ect…
Pics of you when you were a young fucking dork. They’re the best.
7)weird shit seen in public places
This could be grouped with the funny stuff but , sometimes it’s just weird and not funny.
This could really be anything. A weird car, a strange painting, an unusual street sign, anything retro that isn’t played out. While people who only take pics of shit like this can be kinda boring to follow, they do find some pretty awesome stuff so i can’t really be mad.
I think that’s about it…I’m sure i forgot some things but, instagram is down at the moment so I can’t double check. That’s a problem.
Oh, a just a quick list of instagram peeves:
writing #nofilter is fucking corny. stop doing that. No ones impressed by your mastery of phone photos.
Private profiles…I get that you want your privacy but if you follow me, I should be able to see your shit.
People who don’t have a single pic of themselves.
Listen, much like the private profile, you’re throwing salt on the game of all people who just wanna creep around a look at stuff. That stuff, often being a person of the opposite sex. Trust me when i say, in general, it’s just harmless curiosity. Let a person see what they’re dealing with…