Off the grid Vs. Deep in the Matrix

Hi guys. Been a minute. But , hey I said I’d write things every now and then…well, it’s both now and then. Pardon me if i shake off the rust a little…

If you’re living in the year 2018, you live on many spectrums. From sexuality, to autism to political leanings, we are all part of these various sliding scales that loosely define who we are as people. One of the most fascinating spectrums to me is how plugged in we are. From the hermit who’s never been on the internet to people who can’t imagine a time in history where people didn’t have constant access to everything. Basically the scale goes from your grandma to your little sister.
Now, if you’re reading this, you’re undeniably on the “Plugged into the matrix” side of the spectrum. This is a blog post (Which is an archaic concept in itself these days).But you’re reading it and there is no actual page turning involved. That said, like the poet laureate Macklemore once lamented , “there’s layers to this shit (tiramisu)”. I tend to simplify things in my head and try to throw these sort of things into categories. I often think you can tell how plugged in you are by how many apps you’re addicted to. Like, the least plugged in version of this would be, say, your mom or your grandmother (depending on your age). This would be a person who kinda knows how to use the internet, has an email but doesn’t do any social media cause, well, why the fuck does a person over 65 need to do that bullshit? Unless they’re promoting a new crocheting kickstarter, there really isn’t a point, They know how to order off amazon but also might fall for a Nigerian prince email scheme. These are people who lived the majority of their lives before the internet and the last thing they need or care about are twitter and instagram. At their worst, they have a Facebook and, good lord, we know how that goes. Facebook pretty much invented “Unsubscribing” for this very reason.

On the other side of this we have the person who is up on EVERYTHING. They have Facebook, twitter, instagram, periscope, snapchat, google plus (or whatever that was called), multiple email accounts all for different things, highly active reddit lives and everything else you can think of. When a new social media platform comes out they sign up immediately cause, hey , you never know what could be the next thing. As someone who is ,without question, deep in this matrix, I will say that, at this point in my life, I got enough “things”, social media wise. Between Facebook, twitter and instagram, I’m good. I already probably have nervous ticks bought on by notifications on my phone , like some sick pavlovian experiment gone wrong. So, you best believe I’m not trying to add on to that. But I wanted to step back from that, if that’s even possible, and look at the two sides. Off the grid vs. being plugged in to the matrix. Look at the pro’s and con’s. Let’s start with you “off the grid” motherfuckers. The cool thing about this is I can write whatever I want about them and they won’t get mad…cause they will never read this. Rest assured, if you’re reading this, I’m not talking about you. And in a day and age where everyone thinks everything is about them, that’s actually quite refreshing.

Off the grid people
This is a wide spectrum too. You got people who have never had access to internet. Actual third world problems (not the kind cornballs complain about when instagram goes down or their fave brunch place is too packed on the weekends). Those people are the furthest end of the spectrum but , because it’s not exactly their choice, it’s kind of a whole other thing unto itself. Then you have people who COULD have access to the internet but just choose to not partake. These are the types of people who end up on juries when some shit like 9/11 goes down. Now, I can’t help but be both envious and dubious of these people. On one hand, I am jealous of their lives in the sense that all these things that cloud most of our days aren’t even a concept to them. They don’t know what a subtweet is. They don’t have any idea what it means to get unfollowed. They are, in that sense, pure of a lot of the bullshit we all think about on a regular basis. That peace of mind must be incredible. For that reason, I do have a strong respect for these types of people. That said, they are also willfully uninformed. Say what you will about fake news and all the bullshit on the internet but it is the #1 source of info for everything. These people are reading their local “FoggyTown river Examiner” and USA today as their only news sources, that’s not a good look for anyone. These people also vote so, you know, that’s a whole other thing.

A step more towards the center of the spectrum would be people who are living in modern society, who are not luddites but just choose to not care about most social media. I’ve found, in my tireless research of this subject done mostly by just kinda paying attention, that these types of people have one social media platform they use and they barely give a shit about it. Be it a mostly dormant Facebook page or an instagram account they check once every month. They have the option to gaze into the matrix but they genuinely don’t seem to care. They certainly don’t put any weight on social media in general and are usually the types of people who still make phone calls. The mind set these people have is amazing. I’m serious. They are simply not wired to care about it and that’s commendable. They probably do shit like fly kites and read books. Who knows. Whatever they’re doing, I’m sure it’s as cute and down homey as a hand whittled rocking chair.

As we head towards the center of the spectrum we find the average internet user. They have Facebook. They have instagram. They check it daily. They don’t post often. To them, it’s something to glance at when they’re bored. They enjoy it but it’s not THAT important to them. While they are not immersed in the web, they also aren’t running from it. They are, as far as i can tell, healthy minded people. There are people who you can actually converse with for a while and they probably won’t look at their phone once. That said, they’re not immune to that behavior and can certainly get wrapped up in long text convos that consume their entire being. They are, in fact, human. They are not controlled by the internet but they use it when needed. They uber. They check out Yelp reviews. But, if you are to ask them “did you see so and so’s post on instagram yesterday?” Good money is on they probably didn’t OR, if they did, they didn’t care. These people don’t get most memes and , when they do, they post them 8 months after they’ve been played out. God bless these people. But satan bless them as well.

Moving past that, we get people who are bout it bout it. They not only check all their social media platforms regularly, they’re active participants. They post, they comment. They are slaves to their notifications. I’m 100% in this group. Social media is undeniably an engrained facet in their lives. However, and maybe I’m speaking for myself here, there still is an air of “who cares?” in a way. I don’t mean that like “Who cares about the internet!?”. i mean like “I’m addicted to this but I also realize it’s fucking stupid”. I’d like to think, this area on the spectrum has two sub sets. A and B. A is the people who do it but don’t get emotionally wrapped up in it. People who might argue with a stranger online (ahem) but also not actually want to fight that person if they see them.

Then there are the B types. The B’s are the people who pretty much live and die by that shit. B group are people who WRITE yelp reviews. People who constantly look at the “activity” page on instagram (wtf is wrong with you if you do that?). People who keep track of other peoples every move (even strangers and celebrities) as if it were their job. I mean, I get this on a micro level. Girlfriends and boyfriends and all that kinda shit cause it’s human nature (albeit possibly the most toxic and damaging thing about dating in the current times). But when you’re doing that with friends and strangers? Holy shit. It’s time to take a deep breath and step back from the phone.

A few steps past this part of the spectrum and you have the people whose life IS the internet. Not only are they so wrapped up in it , it defines everything about them, they aren’t even the same people online as they are in real life. These are people who are so consumed into the matrix, their existence on the internet is not a real person. Rather, a skewed, imaginary version of themselves. A “Sim”, but they aren’t playing video games. These people are often witty and the first up on any trend or meme. They’re also the troll dudes on message boards and reddit who can be pretty fucking awful human beings.These are also people who argue online and love it. They seek out conflict and do it out of sheer boredom. They’re never THAT offended by anything but , best believe, you will think the world is going to an end anytime this kinda person takes issue with anything.
They’re also girls who project themselves as divas or “models” who post selfies and inspirational quotes all day in some backwards attempt to find the balance between sensuality, over confidence and some sort of cult leader wrapped up in the warm blanket of what is actually unmitigated insecurity.
This level on the spectrum contains the people who probably sext and send nudes on snapchat but, when faced in real life with another human being, can barely make eye contact. This is a scary and sad relationship with the internet and , unfortunately, it seems to be becoming more and more common. Especially with the people who have never known anything else BUT having phones , internet and social media. It’s no wonder the sexual activity amongst young people has gone down in recent years…cause those motherfuckers don’t actually know how to engage another human being if it doesn’t involve emojis and carefully curated selfies.

Beyond this level, we got the really scary people. The ones who aren’t just in the web, they are the web. These are those dark web people who , honestly, are probably all geniuses but, holy shit, am i scared of them and whatever they can do. Hacking, Doxing, and whatever else they are capable of. It’s as if they have transcended beyond just being internet users and into a new plane of actually pulling the strings. So while group B of that earlier group are hyperventilating over who liked what pic and who unfollowed who, these dudes are literally breaking into the government and changing how the world works, for better or worse. One thing is for certain though, I bet these dudes have never looked at the activity page on instagram. THEY ARE THE ACTIVITY PAGE!

Like most things, moderation is the key. You never wanna be too far on either side of this kinda spectrum. And I say this knowing I’m certainly too far one way myself. But, hey, at least I’m aware enough to admit it. Now pardon me while I go cross post this blog on my twitter and Facebook and story it on instagram. hell, i might even dust off snapchat. Lol just kidding. No ones doing that anymore.

10 things I learned by arguing politics on the internet

Man, I’ve never been a person who gave politics much thought. Sure, things would come up here and there but, in general, I always viewed it as some “it’s out of my hands” type thing where all I can do is sit back and watch what happens. While I still feel that way, recent events have been hard to ignore and the repercussions, in my opinion, could be dire for the country I live in. Not since 9/11 have I been this glued to the news. Every day , it feels like a new unchartered level of craziness is being achieved so, admittedly, it’s been hard to just sit back and not say anything, even if I am just adding to the cacophony. Now, I could take the easy route and just post things on my personal facebook wall. A place where not a SINGLE person I know disagrees. Literally. I don’t know one Trump supporter. No extended family, no old high school friends….no one. I’m admittedly DEEP in the bubble. So, me posting some shit on there is basically like giving cupcakes to a guy already eating brownies. Nope, instead, I chose to do the even dumber thing and post about it on my public social media. My twitter, instagram and Facebook page. I know…I’m a fucking idiot. Granted, it’s not like I’m constantly writing anti-Trump rhetoric but, you know, it comes up here and there.

Now, arguing with people on the internet is nothing new to me. I started my existence on the internet in the mid 90’s, arguing about rap with people in chat rooms and newsgroups. And, truth be told, that could get heated at times. However, politics is a totally different game. People are passionate about their beliefs. Perhaps cause real things are at stake, as opposed to me trying to claim Ras Kass verse on “Comwiddit” is the work of genius in 1995.

Over the past year or so, my engagement in political discourse online has been eye opening. I’ve learned a lot. I figured, it might be fun to share that with you.

1)No ones mind has ever been changed via an online argument
“political discourse” online is like a friend who asks you for relationship advice with no intention of listening to you. They just wanna talk about their feelings and need to you be brick wall in which they blather to. What you say, no matter how on point and valuable, won’t even penetrate the first layer of their mind cause they already know how they feel. They just need someone to listen to them.
With political arguments online, no one who was staunchly on one side has ever heard someone say something that made them rethink their entire viewpoint. It just doesn’t happen. So,in it’s essence, arguing politics online is useless. But we’re all human beings so we can’t control these urges. i know I can’t.

2)Everyone pulls from dubious news sources
On both sides of the coin, people will reach. For every time someone has come at me with a fox news or a brietbart link to “prove” a point, i’ve seen countless liberal people on my facebook wall post salacious headlines from random left wing blogs that are just as questionable. While “Don’t believe everything you read” has always been a sentiment , nowadays, it seems to be a lifestyle for many. Trump’s anti-media crusade has truly convinced people that you can’t trust ANYONE. Not BBC, Not Rueters, Not the Washington post. Nothing. And, while that is a crazy and dangerous thing to push into the mind of the public, the fact of the matter is that people are gonna go with the news that suits them. Whatever fits their agenda. Left and right wing people.

3)Right wing dudes got bad memes ON DECK
When you start a political discourse, there are a few types of people you come across. A person who wants to try and have a civil discussion (“Try” being the operative word here), people who just wanna come in and barf their opinions all over the place with no regard, and people who are there to troll. Now, to be fair, both sides troll the other. I think it’s what happens when you’ve run out of constructive things to say and also realize that arguing is futile at this point. So, instead…they opt to rabble rouse. One thing I’ve noticed is that right wing trolls got memes on deck. Particularly on twitter. Some guy started with me the other day and, within moments, my interactions were flooded with stupid memes aiming to rattle my weak liberal frame.


A few things can be learned from this…
Morons know how to use photoshop
Conservative memes lack that humorous punch

The same guy who sent those to me, had sent them to a bunch of people which leads me to another point…

4)There are people who sit around all day on the internet SEEKING out political arguments with strangers

This is the craziest shit to me. I’ve never really understood hash tagging. I mean, I get it’s purpose and see why people do it but it’s always been kinda corny to me. I’ve only ever done it ironically. HOWEVER, there are literally people who sit around , looking on their phone, following hash tags and then arguing with people they don’t know. I’ve noticed this most on twitter and instagram. Someone with 45 followers will post something with a hashtag like “#dumptrump” and their timeline will be flooded with people with american flags or pictures of an eagle fucking an arab child to death with a dick made of the constitution as their profile pic, blathering redneck nonsense about whatever the issue of the day is. Now, to me, seeking out strangers to argue with is such a weird, sad and lonely concept. It’s just an extension of trolling, which is really at the heart of most political discourse online but still…it just seems EXTRA pathetic.

5)Right wing people love a good nickname for liberals
Libtard, Cuck, Hillbot, snowflake…
These dudes LOVE to take those nicknames and run with them.
To me, the funniest one is Cuck cause the real meaning is so funny to me. A cuckold is when a submissive dude is forced to watch his wife have sex with another man. (generally they specifically mean a more “manly” man with a bigger dick who can fuck his wife in a way he can’t. Often a large black man).
Now, the idea of some doughy white guy with a micro-penis watching his wife get her back blown out by some young stud is hilarious to me. But I do find it ironic that , somehow, liberals got attached to that word cause, let’s be honest, who’s doughier and whiter with more micro-penises than your average right wing conservative? It just so clearly seems like something they’d be into way before liberals would. I dunno. When i think of dudes with weird sexual festishes involving humiliation, I tend to think of powerful , old white men. You know… the type who might like to get pissed on in Russia or something.

6)Being uninformed is okay
I literally had a dude try and tell me Obama’s birth certificate was fake…in 2017. I’m in no way claiming to be a beacon of information here. hell, I just made a joke about Trump being pissed on right above here and that’s completely unproven. But the way in which people hear something that may or may not be true, buy into it 100% and mangle the message to fit their agenda is spectacular. That is politics on the internet in 2017.

7)Trump people all kinda look alike and live alike
With the exception of a few people (one latino dude on my facebook page. whattup ron! and a random female), every time I’ve clicked to see what a trump supporters facebook page looks like it’s the same person. First off, white dude (duh), mid 20’s-early 30’s, always has a kid or two, and his page is obsessively filled with anti-liberal memes. A slight variation of that is the non-Trump supporter who thinks Hillary is “just as bad” or worse. This is also strictly a white male, slightly younger than the trump supporter, they also have a kid and their page is filled with links to youtube conspiracy videos and weird memes about mind expansion. Also, weed. Unfortunately, these two types of dudes make up about 35% of this country so there’s no shortage of them. Also, when they get older, they get even dumber and more volatile.

8)Liberals are whiney and hypersensitive. it’s true.
I realize I’ve been shitting on conservatives here this whole time but, you know, they’re the opposition to me so what do you expect? That said, i try and be a fair man and I can admit when my side isn’t doing things right either. Liberals have thin skin. I think the reason that is, is cause to be a liberal, there’s a part of you that feels you’re 100% on the right side of right and wrong. There’s an air of cocky justice some liberals wear on their sleeve. This makes them easy to rattle. Liberals ALWAYS take the bait and Conservatives love to feed it to them. Watching that dude Milo yiannopoulos on Bill Maher the other day, it was so crazy to see how mad he made everyone. I mean, i get it…the dude is a total fucking asshole with insane opinions but he’s CLEARLY just existing to get under peoples skin. He figured out that it’s easy to make a liberal blow a gasket if you say some outlandish shit then act dismissively towards them. That’s all it is. He’s basically the poster child for trolling. And the fucked up thing is that , when liberals fall for the bait, they try to use reasoning and rational thought to combat it which feeds into it even more. The only way to combat those kinds of people is to roll your eyes and talk to them like their 5 year old. Dismiss them. To engage is to let them win.

9) Anyone who’s ever written #MAGA! or a variation of that statement is a fucking idiot.
The lowest of the low. Blindly following the catch phrase of a total crazy person created to feed the fears of morons.
The people that post that are always the worst, most uninformed and outspoken people you will come across. I refuse to believe that anyone would type that without a tiny bit of irony. Even the most right wing wingnut.
I often think it’s more used for specifically for trolling but, still, if you truly ride with that catch phrase, you’re a stupid motherfucker. Straight up.

10)What “we” care about and “they” care about is different
Liberals are the party of social issues. Human rights, equality, the environment. Conservatives care more about business, foreign policy,following the constitution, religion, “freedom” and some vague idea of “America” as this fallen country that needs reviving. Because of this, both sides will never meet eye to eye. While one side is arguing gender roles the other is thinking about oil. They just aren’t even in the same universe. Because of this, it becomes incredibly hard to find common ground. I’m sure there are plenty of conservatives who don’t give a shit who marries who or agree that woman should receive equal wages to men…but they’re far more concerned with their right to bear arms and some mythical idea that a mexican in Texas is gonna take their job in Michigan. It’s all perspective. No one lives another persons life so , while some dude in Montana who’s never left his town and has only dealt with one kinda person his entire life might be freaking out cause he saw a muslim guy in the airport, I might be equally dismayed at the sight of that same guy from Montana walking up to me if I was camping in the woods…cause my city ass assumes anyone walking around the woods alone is an axe murderer. We all have our things.

I think the bottom line of all these things can be summed up like this:
Arguing politics on the internet is 100% pointless and it gets neither side closer to what they want. That said, that doesn’t mean it’s not fun. So enjoy yourself you filthy cucks.

Feeding the trolls


I feel as though I do one of these kinda rants on a yearly basis. Feel free to skip it if you’ve heard it before.

There is something about the seasonal change that brings about a certain vibe on the internet. Perhaps it’s just me, but the climate on my social networks has been cloudy with a chance of dickheads lately. Now, this could be entirely self imposed , as my twitter and facebook are common place for me just saying some dumb shit. Typically, they are things we call “jokes” and they’re harmless but , hey, we all have our triggers and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t them expect to get a slight rise out of some people. It also doesn’t help that popping off at the mouth is so easy now. There was a time when, if someone said something publicly that upset another person, the outraged person would have to go home, type up a strongly worded letter on an actual typewriter (or even handwrite it!) and send it to the person via actual mail. I’m guessing, in most cases, this arduous process led to that outrage never leaving the person’s typewriter and vanishing into the ether. Today though? Wooooo! If I write “I think red starbursts taste better than orange starbursts”, everyone on earth has the power to tell me I’m a stupid piece of shit within seconds of reading those very words. We’ve come a long way, guys.

In my everyday life, I’m a very non-confrontational person. I avoid arguments. Especially petty ones. But there is something about some smug prick on his phone or laptop , typing a snarky remark to a stranger that no one asked for that just cannot be ignored. So I rarely do ignore them. If , for no other reason, to say to them “Hey dick, I actually read this shit…stop being an asshole”. Sure, I could be a bigger person and ignore it. I probably should be. But, to me, that just justifies their behavior. I realize this all comes off as overly sensitive. But I feel it’s more about justice and breaking down peoples entitlement. The truth of it all is I’m never sitting here with my feelings hurt. I barely even have “feelings”. Some dude tells me my music sucks, I don’t wallow and question my self worth. I’d more likely write him “was that necessary?” cause, well, it never is. I suppose it has more to do with me wishing people would think before they write. I want to live in a world where people consider the things they say before pressing “send”. It’s bigger than me ever being “offended” or “Butt hurt”. It’s about common decency towards complete strangers. Add in that these people are often fans of mine and it’s even crazier but I guess that’s equally part of the problem. People feel entitled to let the world know every fucking thought they have and, really, no one needs to hear that from anyone. From a loser on twitter with one follower to Kanye west to Obama. Some thoughts should just stay inside forever for the betterment of all parties involved.
The funniest thing about responding to people who troll on the internet is that, about 50% of the time, they are like “Whoa, I didn’t think you’d respond! Thanks!”. And therein lies the problem. That means they’re doing it just to do it. Cause they can. It’s like going up to someone and slapping them then thanking them for punching you in return. I guess my brain doesn’t work like that. I’ve never craved negative attention from strangers or, especially, from an artist I might admire. But the lines of communication are such that it’s too easy. Sometimes I think about what life is like for actual famous people. At some point, they must just stop looking at anything related to them cause the things people say are so loathsome. Like, I think Kim Kardashian is probably a shitty human being. But can you , for one moment, imagine being her while she reads her instagram comments? She must weep constantly. And you may be saying “But you just called her a piece of shit!”. Yes, I kinda did. But i didn’t write it directly to her or tag her in this post to make sure she’d see it. That’s the difference between going out of your way to be spiteful and simply voicing an opinion. It’s funny cause, it’s human nature to focus on the negative. You could hear 100 nice things said about you but that one shitty comment will be the one that sticks in your craw. It’s just how we’re wired.

Now, I’m writing this to somewhat vent but to also point something out to all the trolls out there. This is a two way street. Just as you are allowed to say whatever you want to me, I’m allowed to return the favor. In fact, if you open a negative dialogue directly with me based on something I said that wasn’t personally aimed at you, all bets are off. I can simply defend myself, block you, ban you, or just let you know you’re being an asshole and move on. If those things happen, you should not be surprised cause, after all, I’m a reactionary human being just like you. There’s a common response of the troll where they come back at a retort like “Why do you even care? I’m a nobody!”. Well, that’s exactly why I care. People think just cause they are a faceless twitter handle or a lonely facebook account that they don’t matter. I would argue they do matter. Not cause they’re important (They’re clearly not. None of us really are in the bigger picture). They matter cause we live in a time where EVERY voice is heard. While the troll may think his/her existence is a blip, their voice is echoing just as loud as the person with 1000 followers. By chiming in and coming at someone directly, you are entering the conversation, regardless of your personal status. That said, there is something kinda sad about a person who creates social media accounts just to bust peoples balls. They are worse than people on “catfish”. At least those people are somewhat looking for love.

I’d also like to clarify that this is 100% about strangers talking to strangers. Trolling your friends is another thing entirely. It’s fun and what many friendships are built upon. The reason being, a friend knows you. They know your boundaries. They know you know what they mean. There’s history, inside jokes and perspective. All that doesn’t exist when Johnny nobody fires off an angry response to a tweet his favorite bass player made a month ago about how kale is better than Swiss chard.

I’d like to live on an internet where the ideal of “If you wouldn’t say it to my face, then don’t write it to me on the internet” is the norm. Surely some will read that and be like “Fuck that, I’d say it to your face!” but I don’t even mean that in an aggressive “Come at me, bro!” kinda way. I mean, when you’re speaking to someone face to face and you say something that is unwarranted, pointlessly mean or spiteful and you actually are forced to see them react. You see their brow furl and the air in the room noticeably change to uncomfortable. You can read their emotions. You get that weird feeling of immediate regret cause you spoke harsher than you meant to. Suddenly, you feel empathy. Imagine that? Real human decency. You might even say “My bad, I didn’t mean it like that…” cause you have first hand witnessed how your uselessly negative words effected another person.

OR, Fuck it. Keep just rifling off every shitty thought you have at anyone who will listen. Push buttons on strangers for your own weird enjoyment. Amplify your loneliness in real time for the world to see. Whatever makes you “happy”. But, rest assured, NO ONE who does that kinda thing on a regular basis is truly happy. I don’t know about you but I’ve never been feeling good about myself and decided “I’m gonna pick a fight with a complete stranger over nothing”. Miserable people tend to want to make others feel just as shitty as they do. It’s unfortunate but it’s reality. So, to all you miserable shitheads who opt to pass your time like this, I just wanna say “Sup? everything okay?”. Unfortunately, I think we both know the answer to that.

What will I give up for Lent? Hahahaha….nothing, bro.

Apparently, Lent began yesterday. To Catholics all over the world, this means it’s time to pick a vice and put it on hold for 40 days. At least that’s my understanding of it. If you’re catholic and I’m wrong, feel free to not correct me though cause, really, I don’t give a shit what you do for the next 40 days. That said, I support your desire to cleanse your sins. Go for the gold!
Clearly I’m not catholic so, to me, Lent means casually hearing what people I vaguely know are gonna stop doing for 40 days and 40 nights. To an outsider, it sounds a lot like New year resolutions but with an added bonus of god’s judgement. Some people are realistic and decide “I’m gonna give up fried foods for a month”. Others probably see it as a time to really turn their life around and vow things like “I’m gonna stop murdering vagrants for a month!”. In both cases, it’s an uphill battle. I was out to dinner with my Girl and Pollyne (My Rogglecast partner) and they were talking about trying to do the Lent thing. Even though neither of them are remotely catholic, it’s a good excuse to impose some sort of restrictions on yourself. My girls choice? Diet Coke. This might not sound like much but, trust me, it’s a big deal. She’s an addict. I support this wholeheartedly cause ,well, Diet coke is fucking gross and I’m pretty sure she needs rehab for it. Pollyne opted for the “no drinking” angle but , I dunno…She had had a few drinks and I think it was the sake talking.
Hearing those two throw ideas back and forth got me thinking about what I could do for Lent. What vice could I give up? Thing is, I’m not a person who has many obvious vices on the surface. I don’t smoke, do drugs and I drink on occasion. But, clearly, those things are the most obvious. When I thought about it, I have tons of vices. Little tiny ones but things that undoubtedly rule my life. So, here’s a list of them and my “reasoning” for not quitting them for Lent (Other than it being a catholic tradition that has nothing to do with me or how I live my life).

1)The internet
The internet is my Diet Coke. I’m on it all the time in some form and I need it. Beyond just social networking and fantasy basketball, I write this blog. Not that it is important to anyone but me but, hey, if I skipped a month I might as well just stop all together. While it could be argued I could use a little time to “refuel” I’m simply not that kind of person. I either do something or I don’t. Also, as a musician who needs to promote myself, I can’t really afford to take a month off. Sure, there are some off-the-grid famous people who somehow maintain notoriety simply by being themselves but I’m not one of them. I’m already a niche within a niche. I need all the exposure I can get. I gotta eat, bro.

Now , this is one I probably could pull off. Probably. But, it’s one of the situations where I’m like “And I do this for what?”. Certainly not for you, Lent! You don’t evne know me, bro. I’m not one of those creeps who sit around watching porn all day. Or one of those even creepier creeps who just have it on in the background while they go about their daily business around the house. In fact, the second I’m “done” with it, I can’t “Command/Q” quick enough. While I do “need” porn in the sense that my imagination is shot, I’m also not 14 years old firing off nuts 8 times a day. As you get older, jerking off becomes part maintenance and part luxury. Porn just keeps those moments rolling smoothly. No need to make that more difficult on myself. Sorry, Lent, but you’re always gonna lose this battle.

Although this would make my girl the happiest person on earth, I’m afraid I’d explode if I couldn’t fart so, sorry!

4)Being a slob
This is a constant work in progress but, the thing is, I’m an organized slob. I have my little slobby patches around the house where I keep my contained mess but it’s not like I ever lose things. The things I’m most slovenly about are leaving water bottles with like two sips left on the table , not picking up my sneakers from the floor, leaving beard trimmings on the sink and leaving tiny piles of crumbs everywhere I just ate. In that sense, I’m very much like living with a pet gerbil. So, why not spend 40 days not being a slob? I have no reason not to except that I’m realistic. I know me. And the reason I’m a slob in these ways is cause I literally don’t think about it. I don’t leave those bottles there cause I’m trying to be a mess or feeling too lazy to carry it 10 feet to a trash can, I leave them there cause I literally notice them and don’t think about them. So, while this would be a prime and realistic choice for Lent, I know myself well enough to accept that I’d fail. The best I can do with this one is forgo the “Lent” excuse and just try to give more of a shit. I really do…but I don’t. Work in progress.

5)Not calling people on the phone
This is weird one. I hate talking on the phone. When texting became a thing, I was delighted. Thing is, I got tons of old friends who I don’t get to see all the time who I’d like to stay in touch with. But, it’s like there’s a block in my hands that doesn’t allow me to make those calls. If I could put a month aside and make like, a call a day to a friend I haven’t spoken with in a while, that would be something else. The reason I don’t? Honestly, it’s selfish but I’m not trying to spend an hour on the phone a day. That and, I’d imagine, half of them feel the same way as I do. True old friends are cool with that “See you when I see you” life. Only dipshits keep tabs on their friends into adulthood. That said, it’s always nice to hear from an old friend, just call me, guys. I’m probably just sitting on my couch playing Candy Crush. Which brings me to…

6)Playing NBA2k, candy crush and words with friends
Who are you,my mom? Why would you want to take these little joys away from me, Lent? They’re not hurting anyone! Sure, my girl wants to murder the man who invented Candy Crush and the 20 games with Words with friends I have going at all times is a bit of a distraction but…whatever. We need distractions. Some people read books. Some people watch TMZ, and I play pointless games. Also, I’m on level 500 on Candy Crush (yes, I’m bragging about that) and, you assume once I beat it, you get a prize, right? Gotta see what that is.

7)Watching TV
Now you’re getting crazy. You think I’m gonna miss the final episode of True Detective for a religious event that I don’t even subscribe to. Go fuck yourself, Lent. At best, I can try and not watch BAD tv. That’s doable. But, then again, what is bad and what is good? Is “Gigolo’s” bad or is it so bad it’s actually great? A show like “The Walking Dead” is actually pretty bad but considered good. Can I watch that? A show is really what you make it. So, while I could easily not watch “Keeping up with the kardashians” for a month, I dunno if I wanna put other shows I actually like under the same scrutiny.The concept of not watching “bad” TV for Lent is far too deep into a grey area to ever pull off successfully. So, fuck all that noise. Besides, The Real World #29 is really heating up. You wouldn’t understand, Lent.

I’ve given this a lot of thought (well, the 25 minutes it took me to write this) and
I’ve come up with a perfect solution for Lent. I’ve decided I’m simply gonna give up Josh Hartnett movies for 40 days and 40 nights. I really think I can pull it off. Seems fitting, right?

Thanks Lent!

A message to people being shitty on the internet

Are you an asshole on the internet? It’s possible. I’ve certainly been called that before and they’re not wrong. The way I see it, there are two types of assholes on the internet (this statement is 100% false as there are actually millions of different types of assholes but for the sake of this rant, just pretend it’s all black and white).
1) The people who say obnoxious things into the ether as either jokes or as provocateurs. These things are generally about people and things that person has no personal ties to and , in reality, don’t matter. The aim is to make a joke, for better or worse. I fall firmly in this group. Nothing I say on the internet really matters. Nothing I say on the internet is even that serious. These very words I’m writing right now included.
2) People who say shitty things of no comedic value directly to other people online when no one asked them for their input but they do it anyway cause…well…they’re bored or just contrarian assholes. Things like “You suck” or “I fucking hate you” you are examples. These people, in general, lack any creativity in their asshole-ic ways and serve only as frowny faced trolls to the entire internet around them.

Now, this is something I’ve harped on before so my apologies if I sound like a broken record. But I wanted to focus on one particular barb that I seem to get with some regularity that truly makes my blood boil. Not cause it hurts my feelings but cause , when a person says it, they’re just simply being lame as fuck.
Here’s what happens.
I make music for a living. This has been established. I also spend a decent amount of time online joking around. It’s fun for me. I enjoy it.
I write a tweet or a status update on facebook. This is always a dumb joke or maybe something slightly more observational. Regardless, it’s generally as harmless as a new born faun.
Then I get a response like this:
Screen shot 2014-01-28 at 6.25.51 PM
I read this and think of how I should respond. The correct answer is “Not at all” but I’m simply not that strong willed a man. So, I consider writing “FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!”. However, That’s a bit harsh, considering I know this persons intent wasn’t to elicit that response. In fact, I know that person is just busting my balls and, at the same time, strangely telling me they want to hear more music. (Side note: The dude who wrote this tweet and I exchanged a few tweets and they were totally cordial so , please, don’t be an asshole to him or whatever. I merely used his tweet as an example cause it’s the most recent “Why aren’t you making music constantly!?” related tweet i’ve gotten). Still, as someone who likes making jokes on the internet, being told to shut up and make music, as if both aren’t simultaneously possible is pretty fucking annoying. Especially considering I’ve been pretty prolific over the last few years and even have a new album finished at this very moment. If my joke/tweet wasn’t funny to you, fair enough. I’d rather someone write “Not funny” (which, by the way, would still be unnecessary and shitty to do) than to patronize me like I’m some worker bee that can only sit in a studio cranking out music 24/7 and do nothing else whatsoever. By the way, that’s not how making music works. Turns out, when you make music for a living, there’s tons of downtime. Why do you think every time you see a musician in the studio, they’re playing with their phones? but I digress.

This whole thing bothers me. Not cause it hurts my feelings but cause the person who’s writing it is 100% always and forever just being shitty. Without fail.This is not to say they’re bad people. This isn’t even saying that their intent is to piss me off. In fact, I’d venture to say that people who write that sentence are brain farting right back at me. But, you gotta understand…it’s shitty and shows a really poor instinct to be “That guy”. The guy who feels the need to respond to everything ESPECIALLY when they have nothing of value to add. This particular type of comment is missing the point on so many levels it’s hard to even begin to explain it. It’s like when a person asks a musician “Why can’t you make an album like your first one again?”. To truly explain that would take so much time, it’s never worth it. In the same note, for me to explain, in 140 characters or less, why I’m not making music all the fucking time and wasting my time writing a tweet that took 8 seconds to think up, is simply not worth the breath. In reality, 9/10 times, when I respond to these types of comments , with something snarky, the writer responds in a completely apologetic tone. Surprised I’d even respond in the first place. As if I don’t read my own twitter feed and have real human thoughts. In reality, they didn’t even mean to be shitty, They seemingly got caught up in a moment and couldn’t help themselves.

I’m not writing this as a “Leave Blockhead alone!!!” manifesto. Cause, truth be told, this is a minor annoyance at best. I’m more saying this to maybe make people stop and consider what they’re adding to a discussion when they write petty, short sighted and pointless remarks lacking any humor or value. It’s really that simple. Unless you have something constructive or funny to add, why are you talking?

The faceless nature of the internet has got us too comfortable. It’s like the world is one big youtube comment section. With twitter and facebook, people have access to musicians, actors, politicians, etc like never before. I could literally tell the president of the USA to eat a bag of dicks and dog shit right now if i wanted to (I would never do that though). It’s THAT open. While I do see some good in this kind of open forum, motherfuckers still should know their role. If I’m a celebrity that did something crazy…like Justin Bieber or Chris Brown. I’d fully expect a shit storm in my mentions on the regular. Same way I’d expect tons of support from fans and naked pics from underaged girls in my DM’s. It’s really par for the course. But if I’m me…a niche musician with a small fan base who’s biggest offense is making an album you didn’t like and making bad jokes on the internet, what’s the point of needlessly pushing my buttons? I mean, I see why people do it (trolls are called trolls for a reason)…but really…why? Is it fun? Hell, maybe it is. I’ve just never been the type who purposely says petty shit to people I don’t know with the sole intention to be getting their attention. It’s like the people who feel the need to correct grammar on twitter. It’s fucking twitter! Much like there is no crying in baseball, there are no grammar rules on twitter. It is the Deadwoods of grammar. Lawless. God forbid you have a typo! But if you see a grammar error, a typo or you just wanna be one of those people who vocalizes every stupid thought you have in your head directly at a person who has not addressed you even remotely, at least make it funny. Cause, otherwise, you’re just another voice from the peanut gallery saying something of no constructive value for the sake of hearing your own voice (or reading your own words, in this case).
If you’re offended by something I said, then I get it. I have it coming. Even if you are being an overly sensitive pussy about a joke…I get that. You ride razor scooters and I made a joke about them so you’re taking offense. That’s fine. you’re standing up for your razor scooter lifestyle. Do you! But , otherwise? Stop it. That’s my entire message. Stop it. In fact, I could have saved a lot of time writing this whole thing and just had those two words under the header but I’m a sucker for long winded explanations. Oh well, too late. But seriously, next time you (not anyone in particular) get the urge to write something shitty to someone else (be it a celebrity on twitter, a “friend” on facebook , a niche beat maker or President Obama) online, ask yourself “What good will this do?”. If the only answer you get out of it is “It will annoy the person I’m writing this to” then either don’t write it or accept that you are, in fact, an asshole who is shitty to people on the internet…and not that awesome first kind I described earlier either. you’re the second kind. Shame on you!