Jingles all the way

There was a time when writing jingles for commercials was a real job. People who didn’t quite fit into popular music but had a knack for crafting a particular brand of music could make a great living. Well, actually…it probably still exists but I feel as though the market has shifted. In earlier years, a jingle had to be short and sweet. It had to promote the product, be catchy enough to stay if your head and stay generally simple. Think shit like this:

Sure, some of these are truly awful but they just seemed less painful to me cause they weren’t trying to be something other than a shitty commercial jingle. Even better was when a brand would not even have a full song. Anyone who watches TV in the tri-state areas can hear this:

And know exactly who’s commercial that is. Hell, I used to jokingly tell people I met that I’m a musician (not a lie) but when they asked me what kind I’d tell them I live off of royalties I got from making the PC Richards whistle jingle (A lie). You’d be amazed how often people would actually be impressed by that.
Anyway, the times there are a’changing and shit. Jingles still exist but many of them have been replaced by actual songs. That’s great and all but the people making these things seemingly have signed a deal with the devil…or maybe are just closely affiliated with him and record in his studio.
I don’t know where it started. In fact, it’s probably just basic evolution. That said, in my eyes, the first thing that pops to mind in this vein is the freecreditreport.com commercials from about 5 years ago. Here we had a band, specifically making music for an ad that kinda sounds like real music but is “less than”.

God bless these terrible guys cause I’m sure they hated every moment of making those songs but, at the same time, they also probably will be living off that money for a long time. I always pondered what it must have been like to be a member of that band. Surely they had aspirations to make real music that wasn’t advertising a website but, alas, they were doomed to always be the free credit report guys.
Well, if you ask me, they opened the flood gates. What has followed has been years of “real songs” being passed off as jingles.
Sure the jingle is still alive.. I believe this is local to NYC and it is awful.

While it’s almost worth it to watch the off beat asian dude struggle , this is a tried and true jingle. So, as bad as it may be…it’s still cut from the same cloth as many classic jingles.
But then…you change the channel and land on this nightmare.

I know every word to this and I have no idea how. Every time it’s on , my skin crawls a little bit and I scramble to change the channel. yes, some how, it’s snuck into my psyche. It’s evil. When i actually do sit and watch it I can’t help but think about how the girl in probably saw this as her big break. That makes me sadder than anything. Well…except this…

Dude…what the fuck on earth is going on in this disaster. Is she freestyling? That’s a pretty girl they got right there but they somehow managed to make her as unattractive as possibly simply by seemingly putting a gun to her head and saying “You rap about face foam or you die”. That’s the only justifiable reason I can see behind this. To be honest, it’s almost on some abstract rap genius shit. Like Project blowed type shit…but not quite. It’s seriously blowing my mind.
Sometimes, they avoid the pitfalls of modern music and go old school. Really old school.

I don’t know what “cash annuity” means but I do know that if the entire cast of this commercial burst into flames in front of my eyes, I’d sit back and toast some marshmellows on their crisping corpses.

Or how about this one?

I defy you to not get this stuck in your head. You can’t do it. Here’s the thing about this one. What the fuck are they advertising? Kids don’t need “Kars”. They’re Kids! And who donates a car…to anything? It’s a fucking car! It’s not a can of soup or some uncooked pasta. People who own cars generally need them. And if they were gonna just give them away, why to children? Those kids can’t drive. I’m sure some of you out there actually know the answers to these questions and it’s a good cause but, trust me when I tell you, I have no interest in clarification. I prefer thinking this website is insane and makes no sense cause it’s way funnier to me that way. It helps me cope with hating this jingle so fucking much. I’d also like to add that the kids in that commercial are seriously mailing it in. Come on dudes, I know it’s a reggae tinged country song but lemme see a little life in those eyes!

There are so many more examples of these songs but I can’t be bothered to ruin your day any further. Instead, I will leave you with this.
Here’s an example of a great commercial. No Jingle. No frills.
Just some mattresses and…the birdman.