You know, I bet he/she is alright….

It’s no secret that this blog can be a hub of negativity. I typically spend my time making fun of people , ranting about pointless shit that annoys me or telling people their demos are mediocre. That’s just kinda my thing. But, come on…let’s be honest, negativity is way funnier than positivity. This is all about entertainment value. I could write daly affirmations all day but no one besides confused strippers and moms on facebook are trying to read that bullshit. So, today, I’mma try something different.
As a judgmental man, I’m no stranger to casting opinions upon people I don’t know. Especially rich and famous people. While morons might call this practice “hating” , in real life, I don’t care enough to hate any of these people. It’s just fun to take shots at various thrones for the hell of it. Over the years , I’ve poked fun at all sorts of people so today I’m gonna do the opposite. Here are some famous people who, while I’m not a fan of their “art” on any level, I bet are actually cool people to chill with. Also, be aware the irony is not lost on me that I’m saying they’d ever want to hang out with my bum ass. I’m just saying, I bet these guys are okay in real life, as people. Also, as a way to retain the negative, generalization filled edge I like this blog to have , each person will have an “On the other hand…” which will spotlight a similar celebrity who, in my eyes, still sucks.

First off, he’s canadian. I’ve never met an asshole canadian. At worst, they can be lame in an inoffensive way. But they’re so fucking nice it’s hard to imagine two canadians ever even arguing. Secondly, in interviews, he seems like a fairly humble guy who actually has a decent sense of humor. So, while i’m not really trying to listen to his albums and I think he’s a bit if a try hard, I have no doubt that, one on one, Drake is a cool guy. I imagine him to be someone who laughs a lot and never likes an awkward moment. He’s basically a dork who got thrust into the lifestyle of someone who can do anything he wants. He coulda gone the Bieber direction but he was better than that.
That’s nothing if not commendable.

On the other hand…
I bet Lil’ Wayne is a fucking moron and an asshole. It might be one of those “he’s too high all the time” things but I question the value of any man who takes up skateboarding in his late 20’s and carries around a guitar he doesn’t play.

John Mayer
His music is the thing of nightmares for people who have really boring nightmares. But, all signs point to him being a funny dude. I’m the type of person who will put up with other shortcomings if the person has a good sense of humor. A while back he got in trouble for comparing his dick to hitler (cause he only likes white girls). I always though the outrage of that simple joke was way overblown. The fact he said it in an interview actually make me like him more. He also seems like a great guy to hit the town with and bag up girls. Sure, he’s John Mayer and he’s gonna get first dibs but I get the feeling he’d gladly throw scraps at you cause he’s just that kinda guy. John Mayer will not bogart the pussy and , to me, that’s an admirable quality in a rich and famous person.

On the other hand…

Gavin Degraw seems like a prick. I barley know who this dude is but a year or two back he got “jumped” walking around lower manhattan alone at like 3 in the morning. Thing is, who the fuck gets jumped in lower manhattan anymore? As the story unfolded, it turned out he was shit faced drunk and talking junk to the wrong people. I got no time in my life for bad drunks.

Lady Gaga
She’s fucking ridiculous. I loathe her music but she’s also insanely talented so, you know, different strokes…but, beyond the music, she’s just a girl from the upper east side of manhattan who wanted to be cool downtown. I knew many people like that when I was younger and they were always the black sheep of their community. While I’d imagine her burgeoning “Actor” side might annoy me, she’s proven herself to have a good sense of humor and , more than anything, she doesn’t take herself that seriously. I’m sure many of you will argue that point but hear me out. She looks insane like 90% of the time. She leaves the house looking like a game of Jenga in mid-collapse on the regular. I know some of you would say that’s her trying too hard but it’s not like she’s Kanye. That’s someone breaking his back to be cool. Gaga strikes me more as just a weirdo. And I can get behind that…at least as a friend. Also, dat ass.

On the other hand…

There is no worse person nowadays than Madonna. Okay, maybe some brutal dicatators and people who do things to children, but Madonna is #3 with a bullet. She needs to just stop. Stop with EVERYTHING. Stop making music. Stop saying things to the press. Stop pushing her fad life choices on everyone. Stop working out. It’s ill to think that she was once the coolest person on earth (in the eyes of many) and now her existence is to humiliate her poor kids. I beg you, Madonna…stop. For the love of whatever god you’re worshipping at this very moment.

Jimmy Fallon
One of my all-tme favorite punching bags has been Jimmy Fallon. Why? Cause he’s not funny. A guy who’s career is comedy but he’s bad at that one specific thing. Sure, He’s done funny things , had decent ideas and even has a few good impressions but , when it’s all said and done, he’s no funnier than the average wall street broker who quotes Ron Burgandy all the time. That said, he’s without question a nice guy. There is no way on earth he’s an asshole. He’s level headed and considerate. He aims to please. You’re moving? Fallon got your back. He’ll even rent the truck for you. You just broke up with someone? Call jimmy. He’s have you over and cook you a nice dinner. He’ll even let you crash at his place for way longer than normally acceptable. I liken him to old friends who’ve known since your teens that, while you don’t relate to them on a deep level, they stick around in your life cause you know they have good hearts. He’s a good guy. A good, completely unfunny guy.

On the other hand…

Jay Leno is both unfunny and a jerk. Tall dudes with big heads are generally kinda assholes. I don’t know what the science is behind that but I’ve found it to be true. Add on having more money than most small countries and it gets even worse.

Kid Rock
Dudes musical career has been like a middle finger to my own personal taste for as long as I can recall. He helped bring in the Rap/rock era that basically created a whole shitty new brand of human being. But, if I’m out and drinking, there is no question Kid Rock would be my go to guy. He’s laid back, funny, and not a snob. In fact, he’d probably clown me for drinking a vodka and soda…and I’m okay with that. I like to think of him as a type of midwestern dude I always love. People from detroit, cleveland, columbus etc…they’re fucking awesome. They’re from somewhat bummy ass cities but that’s what gave them their flavor. There’s no pretense with them. What you see is what you get and , most of the time, what you get is a stand up dude you can effortlessly shoot the shit with for hours. Kid Rock may be a millionaire who dated Pam anderson but I don’t doubt for a second he’s still one of those dudes.

On the other hand…

Eminem is probably a dick. I bet he was cool at one point but , at this point, it would seem like he’s become the rap howard hughes. A weird genius shut in who only comes out to make the worst anthemic rap ever created. I’ve seen him in enough interviews to be able to tell he probably does that thing where he’s so constantly sarcastic you have no idea what he’s ever really saying. That shit is tiring to be around. I’d almost just prefer a person be a straight up dick than the “always sarcastic” guy.

Travis barker
Clearly, not a fan of his music , old or new. He’s has a definite So-cal guy vibe that does not mesh well with me but, i dunno…I bet he’s okay. He might not even be from so-cal for all I know. This one is going more off a feeling than any thing I’ve seen or heard. He just seems like a guy that people get along with and, to me, that’s telling. Being a nice guy is underrated in the entertainment business. The term “fail upwards” is often misused on these people. People who have gotten to where they are simply by being liked by their peers. Sure, talent is there too but I can’t say enough for people who raised their status by just being cool to other people. Not stepping over people or fucking people over. I’m basing this on nothing but I feel like he’s one of those type of dudes. Also, he survived a plane crash and if that isn’t a character builder, I don’t know what it.

On the other hand…

Tommy Lee is a cornball. I don’t doubt partying with him in the 80’s was the best but, let’s be real, he’s extremely dim. His life has been better than mine will ever be X 1000. but I feel as if it was wasted on a dude who’s spectrum of thought and emotion range from “Awesome!” to “not stoked”. He’s basically a living Keanu Reeves character.

Khloe Kardashian
Fuck you guys, I’ve watched their show. Yeah yeah yeah…I was actually considering throwing a few members of this show on the list (Kris humphries and Scott Disick) but I opted to keep it to just Khloe. Why? Cause she seems like the only person in that entire family that isn’t a complete piece of shit. While the reasoning for that is pretty obvious (she’s the least attractive and fattest one) I don’t care about all that. She seems like the only person in that family who genuinely cares about other human beings. She seems level headed and the least fame obsessed by far. While her brother Rob is ballooning up to Jiminy Glick levels of obesity, she’s got his back. Meanwhile, her cunt sisters and her shitty mom are leaving cakes around the house, taunting him cause, well, fuck him for being a fat ass! Truly terrible people. All of them. Khloe is a shining light of decency in an otherwise pitch black world.

On the other hand…

The rest of her family is more evil than most movie villains. Specifically Kim and their mom, Kris. If they did public beheadings on PPV, I’m willing to be a Kris Jenner sacrifice would be the most watched thing on tv ever. Like a Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather fight times a billion.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Positivity guys! It’s the wave of the future! I feel great!

You got dumped cause you suck.

This is not a gossip blog…but , sometimes, it may seem like it. Like…nowish.
I recently read this post on the gossip blog D-listed
It’s basically about how America’s purest vagina, Taylor Swift , did a song with America’s filthiest penis , John Mayer, and they MAY have hooked up. That alleged hook up led to a new song by Swift (titled “Dear John”) where she basically calls out some older guy for dogging her out.
Ok. I’ve never heard this song or any of her songs for that matter. All I know about her is what I read on websites like D-listed. So, what I know is that she’s the sweetest sweetie this side of the Mason-Dixon line yet she’s always having issues with men who do her wrong. These two things do not exactly work together in my mind. Sure, men are fucked up and will often bulldoze through women regardless of how nice the girl is. That is a pretty strong male trait. Especially famous men who have endless vaginas around them at all times. But, there’s this thing that the media does with “sweethearts” that doesn’t sit right with me. Perhaps, not every woman in the spotlight who gets fucked over by some asshole is Sandra Bullock. PERHAPS, Some of them are probably just extremely annoying , self absorbed assholes who got dissed cause they were insufferable. Now, I don’t know any of these people persoanlly. In fact, I don’t have a leg to stand on with this opinion , in terms of the actual people I’m talking about. But, I have met actresses and musicians and, for the most part, they’re all fucking self obsessed assholes. People I wouldn’t wanna date let alone have sex with for a third time. Not to mention, the people I’ve met like this aren’t even famous! Imagine that mind set but with the added sense of superiority and importance? How truly horrific that person could be is unfathomable to me.
Whenever a famous woman (let’s say ladies like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson or Halle Berry) gets repeatedly dumped over the course of a few years, one has to wonder what the issue REALLY is. Sure, the media paints them as victims (while they very well may be) but I don’t know if I’m fully buying that.
Any girl I’ve ever cut ties with was for a reason. Even if it was a “It’s not you, it’s me” situation, rest assured, it was still mostly them. So, with this in mind, when people are the dump-ed over and over again, it’s a little telling.

There are two lines of thought that come into this.
#1These girls just date terrible men.
#2These girls are intolerable and get dumped because of it.

#1, to me, is only half true. I know plenty of girls with terrible radar when it comes to men. They only like the worst possible dudes and you can’t tell them anything. These girls are generally doormats to whatever asshole they choose. The thing about this, when used as an excuse for the above mentioned types of gals, is that scum bags don’t generally dump girls. Any scum bag worth his weight in scum will never break up with a girl. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Scum bags tend to stick around as long as you will let them. The only way they go away is when the girl finally either realizes the truth or is pulled away by her friends and family in some sort of relationship intervention. So, yes, it’s very possible Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Halle Berry all have bad taste in men. Maybe their dads didn’t love them…who knows? But that still doesn’t explain why they all keep getting kicked to the curb so frequently. This leads me to #2.
They suck.
No more. No less.
I think the idea of any dude dumping Halle Berry blows most peoples minds. She’s widely considered one of the hottest women alive and rich. What could possibly make anyone want to give that up? Maybe she never shuts up about herself and her minimal problems? Maybe she’s incredibly dull? Maybe she has chronic shit breath and speaks only in “Austin Powers” quotes? For all we know, she’s hyper jealous and nags constantly. All these things can be enough to drive men away. Does it make these ladies terrible people? Not really. but it also doesn’t make them innocent. Just cause you get dumped doesn’t aways mean you were wronged. Even murder can be done in self defense.
I’ve been on both sides of a dumping. In all cases, it was someone’s fault. As much as people wanna explain their reasoning to each other, when it comes down to it, one person wanted out and got the fuck outta dodge. It doesn’t matter if this is two 14 year olds who shared their first kiss or the two most famous people in the world. Now, if you’ve been dumped once or twice over a lifetime, shit happens. Not all relationships work out and most of them do eventually end. However, if you’re constantly on the receiving end of “we need to talk…” kinda convo’s where you feel blind sided , guess what? You suck.

This is you, America

So, Tiger woods gave his public apology speech and , for some reason, people continue to give a shit. I know very little about tiger woods. I know he plays golf and i know he apparently has a taste for gatorade and various vaginas. When this whole “scandal” unfolded, i paid attention to it like i might someone sitting next to me on the train with their ipod blaring. The fact that people who have no personal connection to Tiger ,beyond watching him play golf and advertisements , being noticeably upset by this dumbfounded me. But, then again, it’s really didn’t. Americans have a rich history of being over reacting pussies about things like this. Not just infidelity. Look at the recent John ‘Mayer comments in Playboy that sent people into an outrage. All the dude basically said was he’s not into black chicks sexually. Sure, he could have phrased it better but, who gives a shit? He’s John Mayer. He’s a fucking musician. He’s not a political figure or a person of any importance on a large scale. Not to mention, he was obviously joking. It’s as if you say the words “david duke” or “KKK” , in any context, you’re supporting them. The dude is a jokester. He makes music and he fucks girls. Anyone hating on that is an asshole. His music sucks but if he can make that lifestyle work for him, more power to him.
I actually kinda like the fact that he doesn’t take the typical “mailed in answer” approach for his interviews. It’s almost as if he’s a real person with actual thoughts that everyone on the planet are not going to agree with. Imagine that!

The thing is, America likes to equate fame and fortune with being a role model. It’s as if because we, as Americans, made you famous, you owe it to us to be a model citizen and be as flawless a person as we have built you up to be. The reality is, it’s none of our fucking business. Famous rich people should be held accountable for their actions just the same as everyone else is. When this whole Tiger thing happened, he did the worst thing possible by removing himself from the public eye. this was a bad move because
1)even if he does that, it’s not like people are gonna stop talking and following him around where ever he goes.
2)cause it made him look like a shameful pussy.
Sure, he should be very ashamed of what he did. He should have apologized to his family profusely and tried to work it out with his wife in private, for better or worse. But the second he decided to take an extended leave from playing golf, he went out like a sucker. What he should have done was just played through it. Deal with the boos and hisses and just do what got you here in the first place. The shit would eventually die down and we wouldn’t have to show his stupid public apology to his fans on every TV station. But that’s not even his fault. America forced his hand. There’s the whole “right thing to do” movement that the media has created is based on some bullshit middle america value system that doesn’t apply to anyone who would ever need it. I’m talking about things like: Forced public apologies. Having to show, on a large scale , that you’re deeply remorseful about your actions. Public retractions.
All these things don’t mean shit anymore because they’re done without any thought or depth behind them. You think Tiger really feels badly that he disappointed his fans? Why should he? He should be able to fuck up his life as much as he wants and still tell people to mind their own business. To him, his fans aren’t a cornucopia of people, each one different from the next. To him, his fans are a massive lump of people who all blend into one huge needy machine (that pays him shit loads of money and occasionally will have sex with him in secluded motels).
You think John Mayer actually feels bad for the things he said in that playboy interview? No fucking way. He apologized so people would just shut the fuck up about it. Basically that’s it…public apologies are the equivalent to talking to a precocious 3 year old and just saying yes over and and over again so they’ll eventually stop asking questions.
Good job america. you’re a precocious three old.