No requests


As I’ve stated before, I’m not really a DJ. While I do sometimes DJ at bars or small parties, I’m not skilled in blending or scratching. Luckily for me, I live in 2012 where all you need to be a DJ is a pulse, a Serrato box and I-tunes.
To be honest, it’s been a while since I spun anywhere cause , well, it’s simply never that fun. At it’s best, you play music for your drunken friends and , at it’s worst, you realize that the world as we know it has gone completely down the crapper. The problem with DJing nowadays is that you’re not allowed to have your own personality. Unless you’re a famous taste maker, you’re just kinda forced to play what people wanna hear (if you wanna keep people inside the place you are djing at). It would be easy to blame some huge corporation for this but, in reality, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the people. It’s them who want to ehar there shitty songs and it’s them who keep this ball rolling downhill into a world where people will make cases for why LMFAO aren’t THAT bad. As a dj, this is frustrating for any person with a speckle of taste and backbone cause you end up begrudgingly playing shit that you wouldn’t listen to on your own time at gunpoint.
I’ve always fantasized of a party where I could play what I like. Old soul shit, weird hip hop, classic obscure hip hop, random rock songs , old reggae…you know, the shit I listen to on my own time. There was a time when i was like “Hell, I’m a somewhat known musical guy (in some circles). I should be able to do whatever I want and people will be in to it…”
I could not have been more wrong about that. What inevitably would happen every time is that, I’d be spinning at some bar, playing music I like. People would be chilling and drinking. At some point I play a song that starts a few people dancing. That becomes contagious and leads to more people dancing. Now, in theory, this is great cause, as a DJ, getting people to dance is the goal. Better yet if they’re dancing to music you actually enjoy. But the problem is, the theory is flawed. Once people start dancing, that’s when the requests come in. This is when people decide “Okay, enough of this crap, time to impose my will on this human jukebox over here.”
From there, it’s all down hill. And much like the dancing, requests are contagious. Once a person sees another person asking, it opens the door for them to do the same.
I had forgotten about this hell until the other night when I went and visited a friend who was DJing at a bar. He needed a bathroom/smoke break so he asked me to cover for him for 10 minutes. I obliged and within minutes I remembered why I hated doing that shit. I was flooded with terrible people requesting terrible music in a terrible way.
So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the different type of Song requesters:

1)Drunk girls

I seriously can not think of a worse human being than the drunk girl song requester. Maybe if drunken Hitler was requesting songs but , at least, his requests would be weird…And not Britney Spears or fucking Drake.
Drunk girls are relentless, reckless and entitled when it comes to talking to DJ’s. I think they assume because they own a vagina and I own a penis, I’m going to give a fuck about their opinion on some level. Unfortunately for them, I don’t. I’ve never fucked a drunk song requester girl and it’s not gonna start now. So, as you can imagine, they are less than thrilled when they’re bullshit flirting doesn’t work and they walk away without a single shitty song played.

2)The person with a list

Every now and then you get a person who will hand you a napkin with a list of songs they’d like to hear. They’re almost never polite and just sorta give you a look like “You’re welcome”. If anything on the list is in the ballpark of what I’m playing, I’ll consider it but, typically, it is not.

3)The “If you fail, try again” guy/girl

This is the person who will ask you for something and when you tell them you don’t have it, they sit by you trying to think of another song they could request. Cause, you know, them getting a successful request off is REALLY important.
It’s maddening. The biggest problem with people like this is that 9/10 times, they they don’t take the hint that you not having a song means there’s a good chance you might not have songs like it. For instance” Oh, you don’t have any Pitbull? Okay…You got any Reggaeton? Nope? Uh..how bout Daddy Yankee?” This kinda thing can go on forever until they either give up or finally reach a meeting point where you, the DJ , agrees to play something just to get them to go away. Most arguments I’ve gotten into with people have stemmed from this type of dipshit. I’m a very calm person and always polite to people but the last time this happened to me, I screamed on some 21 year old girl and told her to get the fuck out of my face. It worked. Perhaps that is the go-to method of getting through to people…

4)The “I’mma just kick it” guy

This is always a guy. Girls come and flirt but they eventually go away. This dude will make himself super comfortable and just look over you shoulder and ask to scroll through your playlists. It blows my mind that anyone cause be that fucking annoying but they do indeed exist.

5)The four leaf clover

This is the person who , somehow, requests the perfect song. It’s happened maybe 2 times in my life and i was blown away. There’s also an off shoot of this who is the person who will request some awesome obscure shit that I know, but don’t own. I appreciate these people and they’re the ONLY people who get a pass.

Okay, Now that we’ve covered the types, let’s go over the worst types of requests…

1)”Can you play some (insert Genre here)?”
To a Dj, this is the most offensive shit ever. It’s basically saying “Hey, i don’t like what you’re playing so play this completely different style of music”.
The amount of times I’ve been playing a set of old soul shit or 90’s hip hop and had some stupid cunt come up to me and be like “Hey, can you play some house music?” in enough to make me go on a killing spree. I think what gets me is the disconnect that person must have from grasping the idea that a DJ is a person and not a monkey there for their amusement. The two problems with this question are a)The requested genre ALWAYS sucks. b)Requesting an entire Genre is pretty fucking vague.
For instance, you ask me if I can play some Reggae. What does that mean? You wanna hear some Toot and the Maytals? Bob Marley? Buju Banton? Or do you just wanna hear Shaggy? I have no idea. Luckily, I don’t give a shit and go fuck yourself.

2)”Can you play the song you just played again?”

Nah bitch…I can’t.
This is especially infuriating when someone requests a song you just played, you tell them you just played it and they’re like “Oh, but I was outside smoking hen you played it”
Oh really??!??!?!?! Lemme just start the fucking entire night over for you then, princess! I wouldn’t want you to miss out on hearing “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley for the millionth time in your life.

3) “Can you play something I can dance to?”
This is only annoying when I’m playing something very danceable. Granted, I understand that they really mean “can you play a song I’m familiar with cause I lack the ability to dance to something I’m not 100% comfortable hearing”.

4) The new pop song hit requested in an empty bar/venue
I get that you wanna drunkly dance with your friends to that new Rihanna song. It’s invigorating to hear her rationalize dating the guy that beat the shit out of her. I get that. But, if it’s dead inside, no one is dancing and people are just kinda chilling, why try to turn it into a club? It’s a bar. Lemme just play good music and save that club shit for the clubs.

I think I’ve told this before but once I was djing and it was the end of the night. Like 3:30. And there we like 5 people in the bar. This drunk dude comes up to me and requests “Jump around” by House of Pain. I just looked at him and said “Dude, do you REALLY want to hear “Jump Around”? Have you not heard it enough in your life?”
He looked back and me and was like “Huh…i guess your right…”
Right then I realized that people who request songs don’t do it cause they have to, they do it because they can. Some are more level headed about it and some are complete lunatics. But, just know, the next time you’re out at a spot and you’re about to go talk to the DJ about whatever shitty song it is you wanna hear, don’t do it. Let him be. Let him do his job. If you don’t like the music, you can leave. Then, you both win cause you don’t wanna hear his music and he doesn’t want you’re dumb ass breathing Vodka tonic breath all up in his ear talking bout “On my god! How do you not own a single Katy Perry song?!?!”
Also, get some taste you fucking ingrates.

When Empowerment goes wrong

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When I was in my late teens, I had a conversation with a “former lesbian” who had just started hooking up with guys. Keep in mind, she was also a late teen so I’m gonna assume her lesbianism was as legit three card monty played on a cardboard box. Anyway, when explaining her new found interest in men she mentioned that she loved giving head. This, in itself, it totally fine. I know plenty of girls who love to give head (and may i say, they are all great people) but her reasoning was unlike anything i had ever heard.. she hit me with a sort of feminist angle. she said

“I like giving head cause it’s like you have the guys brain in your mouth…you’re in control and they’re putty in your hands (err..mouth)”

Hmm..ok. Even at that young and inexperienced age, I kinda smelled bullshit. Years (and many blow jobs) later, I can emphatically, say, that is bullshit. Sure, she may have FELT like she had a guys brain in her mouth, but the reality of it was, it wasn’t his brain at all. It was , in fact, his boner.. if there is one part of a guys body that doesn’t think, it is the dick. When a girl is giving head she can do a few things. Take control and own the situation or get her face fucked. I’m assuming this girl did the first one cause anyone who’s ever either fucked a face or seen it done in porn knows that’s about as far from feminism as it gets. Regardless of her technique, the bottom line is that she had a dick in her mouth. She was unselfishly pleasing a man with no reciprocal pleasure for herself except the whole “brain in my mouth” thing. I’m not saying intelligent , strong minded women don’t blow guys. Far from it. But i think intelligent strong minded women are aware that they’re not exactly burning a bra when some guy blows a load down their throat. It’s a sexual act , much like going down on a girl or fingering (not so much hand jobs cause those are a joke), that is done to satisfy the other partner. It’s selfless and great. If you love doing it, keep doing it. Just don’t feed me some feminist bullshit about how it’s empowering when it’s simply just a nice thing to do for someone you like. If you actually enjoy the act, consider that a bonus. (for the record, guys can tell when you like doing it. you know how? If you’re good at it, chances are, you kinda like doing it. enthusiasm is everything)

all that brings me to this: katy perry.
We all know her by now. She’s the big titted, kinda cute/kinda down syndrome-y pop star who broke out into the music world with her hit song “i kissed a girl
Not to be confused with Jill Sobule’s one hit wonder by the same name, katy perry’s song is a nod to sexual freedom and , you know, just doing you. blah fuckin blah blah. In the song, she basically explains how she made out with some girl (and liked it). Unlike Jill Sobule’s song, she’s not at all hinting that she’s confused about her sexuality. Sobule was pretty much talking about being a lesbian. Perry is more just saying “i kissed a girl, were you watching?”. She’s definitively straight but , believe it or not, she kissed a girl!!!! get out of town,bitch! it’s some serious girls gone wild shit wrapped in a tight little hipsterish package. The thing is, the whole “non lesbian girls making out” thing is pretty corny. If you’re a dude and you see two drunk girls make out in public and you actually give a shit, i might suggest looking into porn or even trying to get some ass for yourself. It’s way cooler when it is in fact YOU kissing that girl. watching two girls kiss, to me, is pretty whatever. Obviously , it’s not going to ruin my day but who gives a shit? it’s kissing. but then again, i don’t really even give a shit about lesbian porn. it’s boring.

The irony of misguided empowerment is pretty awesome. in this case, it’s a girl taking something that is actually the opposite of empowering (kissing a girl for show) and acting like she’s the rosa parks of pussy. unfortunately, she is no rosa parks. she’s not even Rose Mcgowen. at least that bitch killed mad rapists in “planet terror”. That’s some empowering shit! kissing another girl? Not so much. If you really wanna go there, eat pussy. get messy. that’s a bold statement. trust me, “I ate a twat (and i liked it)” would hit way harder. Unfortunately, that’s not Katy Perry’s thing. I’m guessing she’s more into kissing girls to meet guys then giving bad blow jobs to them while they secretly resent her.

More recently, another kind of false empowerment anthem has come out. This one is by cum dumpster extraordinaire Ke$ha. I don’t know know much about her except this video:

and a recent truly embarrassing performance on Saturday Night Live where she dressed up like Avatar Lady Gaga and sang a song about being a drunk whore.
Unlike Perry, who’s actually somewhat likable whenever i’ve seen her in interviews, Ke$ha comes across like a run down whore in training. Her whole image seems to be “I get drunk and hook up with whatever! I do me 24/7 and it’s fine cause i’m in charge”. Now, perhaps i’m reading waaaaaaay to far into her lyrics and persona but that’s what jumped out at me when i heard this song. Maybe she’s on some Cyndi Lauper shit and she just wants to have fun? Except, I think Lauper’s fun was more having beer with Captain Lou Albano is some random brooklyn neighborhood. I would imagine Ke$ha is more the type to wake up in Simon Rex’s backyard covered in used condoms and broken glass. Apples and oranges, i suppose.

I know this may sound like the rants of an old prudish woman or an over protective mother but this is not the kinda message we want to give our kids. No, scratch that. This is not the kinda message we want to give ANYONE. I’m all for drunk sluts. I’m glad they exist. But , much like Mcdonalds or drugs. I really don’t think it’s the kinda thing that needs to be promoted. It will always exist regardless. Let nature take care of the on going breeding of a healthy slut culture. Trust me, there are dads abandoning their infant daughters as i write this , just planting seeds for the sluts of the future. Putting this shit on a large scale to be seen by all is not only overkill, but it’s dangerous. Releasing this kinda shit to the public under the guise that it’s cool behavior is pretty much telling your well adjusted 13 year old daughter it’s ok to act like this dishrag, dime bag , slut bucket.
I suppose i’ll just add it to the list.
Reason #8,493,502,195,921 why i don’t want a daughter
AKA
Why i’m destined to have a daughter.