You know, I bet he/she is alright….

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It’s no secret that this blog can be a hub of negativity. I typically spend my time making fun of people , ranting about pointless shit that annoys me or telling people their demos are mediocre. That’s just kinda my thing. But, come on…let’s be honest, negativity is way funnier than positivity. This is all about entertainment value. I could write daly affirmations all day but no one besides confused strippers and moms on facebook are trying to read that bullshit. So, today, I’mma try something different.
As a judgmental man, I’m no stranger to casting opinions upon people I don’t know. Especially rich and famous people. While morons might call this practice “hating” , in real life, I don’t care enough to hate any of these people. It’s just fun to take shots at various thrones for the hell of it. Over the years , I’ve poked fun at all sorts of people so today I’m gonna do the opposite. Here are some famous people who, while I’m not a fan of their “art” on any level, I bet are actually cool people to chill with. Also, be aware the irony is not lost on me that I’m saying they’d ever want to hang out with my bum ass. I’m just saying, I bet these guys are okay in real life, as people. Also, as a way to retain the negative, generalization filled edge I like this blog to have , each person will have an “On the other hand…” which will spotlight a similar celebrity who, in my eyes, still sucks.

Drake
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First off, he’s canadian. I’ve never met an asshole canadian. At worst, they can be lame in an inoffensive way. But they’re so fucking nice it’s hard to imagine two canadians ever even arguing. Secondly, in interviews, he seems like a fairly humble guy who actually has a decent sense of humor. So, while i’m not really trying to listen to his albums and I think he’s a bit if a try hard, I have no doubt that, one on one, Drake is a cool guy. I imagine him to be someone who laughs a lot and never likes an awkward moment. He’s basically a dork who got thrust into the lifestyle of someone who can do anything he wants. He coulda gone the Bieber direction but he was better than that.
That’s nothing if not commendable.

On the other hand…
I bet Lil’ Wayne is a fucking moron and an asshole. It might be one of those “he’s too high all the time” things but I question the value of any man who takes up skateboarding in his late 20’s and carries around a guitar he doesn’t play.

John Mayer
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His music is the thing of nightmares for people who have really boring nightmares. But, all signs point to him being a funny dude. I’m the type of person who will put up with other shortcomings if the person has a good sense of humor. A while back he got in trouble for comparing his dick to hitler (cause he only likes white girls). I always though the outrage of that simple joke was way overblown. The fact he said it in an interview actually make me like him more. He also seems like a great guy to hit the town with and bag up girls. Sure, he’s John Mayer and he’s gonna get first dibs but I get the feeling he’d gladly throw scraps at you cause he’s just that kinda guy. John Mayer will not bogart the pussy and , to me, that’s an admirable quality in a rich and famous person.

On the other hand…

Gavin Degraw seems like a prick. I barley know who this dude is but a year or two back he got “jumped” walking around lower manhattan alone at like 3 in the morning. Thing is, who the fuck gets jumped in lower manhattan anymore? As the story unfolded, it turned out he was shit faced drunk and talking junk to the wrong people. I got no time in my life for bad drunks.

Lady Gaga
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She’s fucking ridiculous. I loathe her music but she’s also insanely talented so, you know, different strokes…but, beyond the music, she’s just a girl from the upper east side of manhattan who wanted to be cool downtown. I knew many people like that when I was younger and they were always the black sheep of their community. While I’d imagine her burgeoning “Actor” side might annoy me, she’s proven herself to have a good sense of humor and , more than anything, she doesn’t take herself that seriously. I’m sure many of you will argue that point but hear me out. She looks insane like 90% of the time. She leaves the house looking like a game of Jenga in mid-collapse on the regular. I know some of you would say that’s her trying too hard but it’s not like she’s Kanye. That’s someone breaking his back to be cool. Gaga strikes me more as just a weirdo. And I can get behind that…at least as a friend. Also, dat ass.

On the other hand…

There is no worse person nowadays than Madonna. Okay, maybe some brutal dicatators and people who do things to children, but Madonna is #3 with a bullet. She needs to just stop. Stop with EVERYTHING. Stop making music. Stop saying things to the press. Stop pushing her fad life choices on everyone. Stop working out. It’s ill to think that she was once the coolest person on earth (in the eyes of many) and now her existence is to humiliate her poor kids. I beg you, Madonna…stop. For the love of whatever god you’re worshipping at this very moment.

Jimmy Fallon
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One of my all-tme favorite punching bags has been Jimmy Fallon. Why? Cause he’s not funny. A guy who’s career is comedy but he’s bad at that one specific thing. Sure, He’s done funny things , had decent ideas and even has a few good impressions but , when it’s all said and done, he’s no funnier than the average wall street broker who quotes Ron Burgandy all the time. That said, he’s without question a nice guy. There is no way on earth he’s an asshole. He’s level headed and considerate. He aims to please. You’re moving? Fallon got your back. He’ll even rent the truck for you. You just broke up with someone? Call jimmy. He’s have you over and cook you a nice dinner. He’ll even let you crash at his place for way longer than normally acceptable. I liken him to old friends who’ve known since your teens that, while you don’t relate to them on a deep level, they stick around in your life cause you know they have good hearts. He’s a good guy. A good, completely unfunny guy.

On the other hand…

Jay Leno is both unfunny and a jerk. Tall dudes with big heads are generally kinda assholes. I don’t know what the science is behind that but I’ve found it to be true. Add on having more money than most small countries and it gets even worse.

Kid Rock
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Dudes musical career has been like a middle finger to my own personal taste for as long as I can recall. He helped bring in the Rap/rock era that basically created a whole shitty new brand of human being. But, if I’m out and drinking, there is no question Kid Rock would be my go to guy. He’s laid back, funny, and not a snob. In fact, he’d probably clown me for drinking a vodka and soda…and I’m okay with that. I like to think of him as a type of midwestern dude I always love. People from detroit, cleveland, columbus etc…they’re fucking awesome. They’re from somewhat bummy ass cities but that’s what gave them their flavor. There’s no pretense with them. What you see is what you get and , most of the time, what you get is a stand up dude you can effortlessly shoot the shit with for hours. Kid Rock may be a millionaire who dated Pam anderson but I don’t doubt for a second he’s still one of those dudes.

On the other hand…

Eminem is probably a dick. I bet he was cool at one point but , at this point, it would seem like he’s become the rap howard hughes. A weird genius shut in who only comes out to make the worst anthemic rap ever created. I’ve seen him in enough interviews to be able to tell he probably does that thing where he’s so constantly sarcastic you have no idea what he’s ever really saying. That shit is tiring to be around. I’d almost just prefer a person be a straight up dick than the “always sarcastic” guy.

Travis barker
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Clearly, not a fan of his music , old or new. He’s has a definite So-cal guy vibe that does not mesh well with me but, i dunno…I bet he’s okay. He might not even be from so-cal for all I know. This one is going more off a feeling than any thing I’ve seen or heard. He just seems like a guy that people get along with and, to me, that’s telling. Being a nice guy is underrated in the entertainment business. The term “fail upwards” is often misused on these people. People who have gotten to where they are simply by being liked by their peers. Sure, talent is there too but I can’t say enough for people who raised their status by just being cool to other people. Not stepping over people or fucking people over. I’m basing this on nothing but I feel like he’s one of those type of dudes. Also, he survived a plane crash and if that isn’t a character builder, I don’t know what it.

On the other hand…

Tommy Lee is a cornball. I don’t doubt partying with him in the 80’s was the best but, let’s be real, he’s extremely dim. His life has been better than mine will ever be X 1000. but I feel as if it was wasted on a dude who’s spectrum of thought and emotion range from “Awesome!” to “not stoked”. He’s basically a living Keanu Reeves character.

Khloe Kardashian
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Fuck you guys, I’ve watched their show. Yeah yeah yeah…I was actually considering throwing a few members of this show on the list (Kris humphries and Scott Disick) but I opted to keep it to just Khloe. Why? Cause she seems like the only person in that entire family that isn’t a complete piece of shit. While the reasoning for that is pretty obvious (she’s the least attractive and fattest one) I don’t care about all that. She seems like the only person in that family who genuinely cares about other human beings. She seems level headed and the least fame obsessed by far. While her brother Rob is ballooning up to Jiminy Glick levels of obesity, she’s got his back. Meanwhile, her cunt sisters and her shitty mom are leaving cakes around the house, taunting him cause, well, fuck him for being a fat ass! Truly terrible people. All of them. Khloe is a shining light of decency in an otherwise pitch black world.

On the other hand…

The rest of her family is more evil than most movie villains. Specifically Kim and their mom, Kris. If they did public beheadings on PPV, I’m willing to be a Kris Jenner sacrifice would be the most watched thing on tv ever. Like a Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather fight times a billion.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Positivity guys! It’s the wave of the future! I feel great!

Dolph comes alive

Next time you hear people fawning over some corny Lady GaGa live performance where she wears a spider web over her mouth and gets dance fucked by a bunch of dudes dressed like priests and/or spacemen , take a deep breath and consider that my man Dolph Lundgren did this. Respect the real artists, bitch!

Enough is enough

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This post may date me pretty hard but I’ve pretty much given up hope on coming across “young and refreshing” at this point.

Megan Fox Hate –

EVERYONE (who doesn’t have a penis) hates Megan Fox.
There are countless stories of her cuntitude and interviews all over the internet where she seemingly makes a fool of herself, flagrantly exposing her inner retard. Now, I’m in no way rebuffing these facts; she’s a fucking idiot, there’s no question; From her stupid Marilyn Monroe obsession (that rivals that of Mariah Carey’s butterfly obsession) to her awful tattoos.

As for her being a total bitch, sure, why not? I don’t know her but I don’t doubt it. My issue is this: She’s an actress. I don’t know if people either, haven’t met actresses before (this includes struggling waitresses), or if people seem to hold famous people to a higher standard of expectations. However actresses, by and large, are the dumbest, most self involved, human beings on the face of the earth and to single out Megan Fox is just not fair. Detractors will argue;

“But she’s saying all that dumb shit in interviews and putting herself out there!”

Do you think, for a moment, that perhaps she’s answering all of these questions because they’re being asked? She’s doing fucking publicity for Christ’s sake! It’s her job. She’s got people knocking down her door trying to get her to answer stupid baited questions and pose in her underwear for whatever dumb men’s leisure magazine they write for.

Sure, she could handle herself much better, she could be more grateful of the things she’s been given, like I said, she’s very likely a bitch. However, if someone like Chloe Sevigny or Anna Paquin said the same shit no one would say anything, they’d just roll their eyes and keep it moving. The extreme hate for Fox is 100% because she’s so fucking hot. Women are furious that a girl so vapid and idiotic is still one of the most desirable woman on the planet to your average man.

In a strange way, the dumber and more annoying she gets, the more men are drawn to her. Her slutty eyes and over all “I’m the shit” vibe just repulses most women understandably so, still, don’t hate the player, hate the game. Whatever she’s doing physically is working and rest assured, her career will not be here in 5 years because some new slore will emerge from the fog with a slightly hotter body and a slightly sluttier look in her eyes.

Until then, let it go. Let Megan Fox do her….
Hopefully that will include a career in hardcore porn and then we can all rejoice and be happy, for different reasons.

This Vampire Craze –

I’m not gonna lie, I watch True Blood.

It’s a completely terrible show that is somehow both watch-able and entertaining but make no mistake, it’s very bad. Of the new rash of vampire based entertainment, True Blood is the only one that doesn’t take itself seriously and that, in it’s self, is why it’s not 100% laughable.

When I first heard about Twilight I paid it no mind because, well, it was a children’s book written by some Mormon broad, not exactly in my wheelhouse. Then, all of a sudden, it was fucking everywhere. The movie was coming out and people were bugging out like The Beatles did a duet with a newly resurrected Jesus. Normally, I wouldn’t even blink at something like this but I’m not talking about just children and ‘tweens freaking out, no, adults were also losing their shit.

Herein lies my beef with this vampire renaissance; If you’re an adult and truly deeply involved in those stupid Mormon virginity propaganda books, you might need to check yourself. The
thing is, I know TONS of girls who I like and respect who are into this bullshit. I think that’s what bothers me; I expect more, it’s fucking vampires for Christ’s sake! You might as well make a book called The Unicorn Chronicles about a far away land where all the unicorns live, and the inner workings of their dysfunctional teenaged unicorn relationships, as seen through the eyes of a beautiful unicorn. Go hard or go home, right?

Now, I wouldn’t take issue with Twilight if these girls I knew would just admit it’s some corny shit they like even though they know it’s the worst…but no..they fucking stand up for it; “It’s about unrequited love!” or “It’s sooooo good!” Fuck that. It’s a children’s book about teenaged vampires (hence appealing to teenagers everywhere) about Mormon values and more directly, abstinence. That’s it.

The same way True Blood is a mirror of gay rights in America. No more, no less. You’re an adult, get a grip. I’m not saying you have to watch the news but let the teenagers have this one. It’s enough that shit like that is making the next generation a bunch of pussies and idiots but the last thing we need is it effecting people old enough to know better.

Lady Gaga –

I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards and one of the highlights was the constant changing of Lady Gaga’s outfits. Now, I’ve seen numerous pics of her online dressed like a complete idiot, it’s kind of her thing but I had never seen her videos or performances. Well, thanks to the good people at MTV, I have now. I gotta say, she definitely goes there. She’s bugged out and takes ‘risks’ but that’s my problem. This same girl whose live show could easily be an avant guarde performance in a small playhouse also happens to make the most cookie cutter bullshit dance music on the planet.

How can someone so supposedly ‘cutting edge’ be so completely banal musically? If the book matched the cover, Lady Gaga would be doing free jazz dance recitals on the lower east side in the early 80’s. She’d be like Laurie Anderson (look her up youngun’s) not fucking Cece Peniston (look her up also, but she sucks). All I’m saying is, pick a side. You can’t be this high brow artiste and a low brow pop act at the same time.

However, I do appreciate that she always covers up her Cyrano-De-Bergerac-ass grill whenever she gets a chance. That’s pretty cool of her.

Dance Shows On TV –

These shows to me must be what watching sports is like for most girls, I simply don’t get them. I’ll hand it to the America’s Best Dance Crew People because they’re actually pretty impressive. But the ones that get me are the amateur dance shows, the worst of which is Dancing With The Stars. The popularity of this show is both staggering and depressing; Second rate forgotten celebrities of the past come back to clumsily dance their way into America’s heart.

I get the ‘watching a car crash’ element to this, kinda like the first few weeks of American Idol before they get rid of all the crazy people. However, to somehow get emotionally invested in that crap is unacceptable. It’s watching people dance as mediocre as humanly possible, that’s it…oh wait, they’re a little famous so that means when they do something mediocre, it’s more important. I swear, they could make a TV show of c-list celebrities wiping theirs asses (“Jenny Jones prefers the unorthodox
front to back method!”) and it would get a 5 year renewal within the first two weeks of broadcasting.

Dog Owners Trying To Convince Me How Great Dogs Are –

To step away from the pop culture, let’s talk dogs and their owners.

In the past, I’ve been very vocal about hating cats and that remains the same. While I don’t really hate dogs, I also am completely indifferent towards them. They can be in a room with me and I will neither pet it nor curse them. This apparently is an issue for dog owners cause every single one of them wants you to love their stupid fucking dog. Whether they’re beaming about how great he is or regaling you with quirky dog tales detailing his awesome personality, it’s all the same. What they don’t understand is that I’m not one of those people. I’m not an animal person. I do not feel closeness with anything from another species. They can’t speak, they can’t clearly communicate, all they can do is eat, run around, bark, shit and sleep.

A popular argument for this is; “Then you must hate babies!” Not true…babies are human. They’re adorable and as they get older, they acquire all the wonderful skills we as humans take for granted. With babies, there are things to look forward to and also they show us the beauty of an untainted human in it’s purest form. Dogs, however, have a ceiling. There will never be a time when a dog and I have a conversation, let alone one of any value. No, he may be able to communicate that he loves me (or loves that I feed him), but beyond that, he’s a wrap. I guess I understand the companionship angle of dogs but, at the same time, needing a dog to be your ace is kinda just throwing in the towel on humans. You’re basically saying ‘I love camaraderie but I’m not so crazy about talking and exchanging ideas. I need someone who will shut the fuck up and be loyal to me regardless of what a douche bag I am.’

Sure, some dogs are cute, puppies are pretty undeniable. But just understand that there are people on the planet who simply don’t give a shit about your fucking dog.