I realize this is slightly delayed but, what can I do? I dedicate my weekends to deep prayer , my clown school classes and bikrim masturbation , so there’s really no time to write.
So, I got off a plane on friday to find out The Macho man had died. While this news was not totally shocking, it is always odd when a staple of your childhood passes away.
When i was a kid, I was a huge Wrestling fan. Not even in the “I loved Hulk Hogan” sense. No, I was that fucking asshole buying wrestling magazines and following the obscure federation like the AWA and where ever the Von Erich brothers wrestled. I’d stay up and watch the NWA on TBS cause I felt it was “rawer” than the WWF. Yes, I was once a purist snob about fucking pro wrestling. Still, I did love the WWF. Like most kids, I was a huge Ultimate warrior and Jake the snake fan but in my top five was certainly Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Partially for his electrifying ring antics but also cause he confused the shit out of me. Was he retarded? Did he have Bobcat Goldthwait disease? He was a man in a rainbow cowboy hat , adorned in tassels ,who spoke as if he was pushing out a shit the size of his own thick, vein covered neck. But I was fascinated. Looking back, it really takes an inventive person to come up with such a character. I mean, there will never be anything like him in sports. He was truly one of a kind.
For my 10th birthday , I strong armed my mom into taking me a few friends to see a WWF card at Madison Square Garden. The Main event was Macho Man Vs. Andre the giant. At that point, Macho man was a fan favorite and world champ, while Andre the Giant was a heel. My friends and watched the under card fights with baited breath, just waiting to see our boy Macho Man in action. Finally the time came and the crowd erupted, as Macho Man walked out to his theme music with her arms spread in the air, looking like a wombat that ran into a gay flag. I honestly don’t remember much about the match. I mean, it was a non-televised MSG match , and belts never changed hands unless it was seen on TV or Pay-per-view. I knew this at the time so the outcome was secondary to the show. I think Macho Man won by DQ but I do recall , at some point, Andre the Giant chocking him out with the ropes (after the match had been decided) and forcing him to say “Andre the Giant is the new world champion” over and over again. For some reason, it had a rapey vibe to it and was somewhat uncomfortable to watch. I mean, if he could get him to say that shit, why not just sodomize him right there? Shit was that real in the ring, yo.
I’d also like to add that the Macho Man had the hottest girl in wrestling (before ACTUAL hot girls started getting involved) in Miss Elizabeth. She wore gowns and was “elegant”. Kinda like a child from a beauty pageants but older and more on cocaine. But the Macho Man held her down like a good man does. I could be wrong , but I think she died at some point and they replaced her with some other elegant whore. If that is the case, it’s nice to know that macho man is probably sitting in space heaven , Listening to a twisted sister/eminem mash up album, snapping a slim jim and cupping Miss Elizabeth’s long dead ass cheek.
And with that, I leave the legacy of the man that was Macho…oohhhhh YEAHHHHHH!