Myspace breeds crazy people

(Just a little heads up, this is obviously dated. No one uses Myspace anymore. But i was sifting through all my old blogs and i found this.I think it’s kinda funny so i’m gonna throw it up here anyway. If it makes you feel better, feel free to replace the word “Myspace” with “Facebook”. Whatever is comfortable for you)

This is a pretty broad stroke but there are some fucking crazy people out there. I’m not talking about your delusional people like the myriad of “models” on myspace who think just cause they’re half naked, they’re sexy. While they’re kinda crazy, they just more full of shit then anything else…
Nor am I talking about the homeless guy screaming conspiracy theories to himself while he takes a dump on 5th avenue at noon. He’s as crazy as it gets but he’s not functional enough to really effect anyone beyond..well..being gross. I’m speaking more about the people that go through life, being somewhat normal but, on the inside, live in a completely separate reality from the majority of mankind.

Much like half naked whores, Myspace is full of people like this. Before I got on the internet I never really gave these types much thought cause, in most cases, when I’d meet them, I’d realize right away they were nuts and avoid them for the rest of my life. But, in the case of Myspace, they’re on parade. Nothing has exposed me more to this then my music page on MYspace. The things that people write to me are pretty baffling. Partially, cause it often makes no sense but also cause I can’t figure out how these motherfuckers figured out how to even use the internet in the first place.

Here are some examples of crazy types:

1.) Hippies –

While they fall heavily under the delusional category there’s something about them that is otherworldly…literally spacey. I got a message from a hippie the other day saying;

“Hello my brethren of earth”

Then he left some youtube video of some queer claymation hippie shit that I stopped watching after 8 seconds. His profile pic looked kinda like if Waldo (from Where’s Waldo) got eaten by a rainbow flag then put some leg warmers on his arms and grew a beard. He is truly in his own world.
Acid casualty? Very likely. He’s also bat shit insane yet probably has a job and friends. That’s the most confusing thing about it these are functioning social beings who ,when considering their level of crazy, shockingly DON’T live in a pile of wet leaves. Their existence on the internet defies all logic.

2.) The Bad Poets –

I was talking to a friend the other day about this. Sometimes seemingly normal people, when given a chance to write out their thoughts, as opposed to saying them, take that as a chance to make everything they say “poetic”, or as I like to call it “complete gibberish”. Everything they write seems like it should mean something but when you break it down, it’s just a bunch of words in no particular order. Judging from many Myspace messages I’ve gotten, this is a highly girl based phenomenon. Maybe they think they’re being whimsical or perhaps they fancy themselves to be the next Shakespeare (which is fitting cause I would need cliff notes to even begin to fathom what the fuck these people are talking about) but in reality, they’re just crazy people who can’t write.

3.) The Erratic Writer –

AnY ONE whO WrItES lIKe thiS iS bOtH An ASshoLe AnD InsaNE.

Seriously..what’s up with that shit? I’ve never typed like that before but just writing that sentence was fucking annoying and tedious. Every time I see that, it reminds me of a girl I once knew back in the day…

She was a fucked up drug addict/raver/musician type who used to date an old friend of mine. Beyond just being crazy, she was also completely annoying and for that reason, she vanished from my social scene. Anyway, she found me on Friendster (yeah, remember that place?) about 8 years ago and the crazy kicked back in, to the point where I had to block her. I’ve always been against that kinda shit but, whatever, she was stalking. EVERY message she would write me was in that upper/lower case O.C.D. font. On top of that, the shit she was writing was all in ebonic spellings like “Yo gEEz sHouLD bE chiLliNZ mOnEYzzzzzzzz”.

Yes, she sucked. It was when I noticed that her messages struck an eerie resemblance to those a serial killer might write that I decided to cut her off and block that bitch. Haven’t seen her since but I honestly think if I did, she might kill me…or just be mad annoying. The point is, people who write in that erratic font, are probably just as erratic in real life.

4.) The Avant Retard –

These are the people who just leave some cryptic two word message like ” until when….” or “now and then” They kinda freak me out…They kinda share the same space with the faux poetic writers but they’re so curt and out of nowhere, it’s a different beast altogether. I always imagine these people talk how they write and conversing with them would be like talking to a shy foreigner.

5.) The Obsessive –

I’ve blocked one person ever on Myspace and it was this girl who would attack my music page all day and night. She’d leave messages, comments and blog replies EVERY DAY. It got to the point where she was inventing fake conversations in my comment section. She’d write shit like “lol! totally, I’m the same way…” in reference to NOTHING.

This shit is extra scary cause it really sheds light on how delusional some people can be considering the crazy realities people invent in their heads. I’d say in most cases, these people need some serious therapy and a lifetime worth of hugs from their dad…wherever he may be.

As much as I have love Myspace for it’s promotional usage and Stalking capabilities, it certainly breeds (and creates) a certain type of mania that only exists cause of things like Myspace. It’s that same as internet anonymity that makes someone act like a tough guy on a message board when in reality, they’re soft virgins who are scared of their little brother. The crazy aspect is different cause everyone has some crazy in them. Shit like Myspace allows that to come out in ways it was never meant to be.

But who knows, maybe all this online venting will eventually save us all from a few bell tower attacks or high school massacres…that would be nice.

Social networks


I’ll be the first to admit it; I was late to the game with social networks. It wasn’t that I didn’t know they existed or anything, I was just very skeptical. When Friendster came along it just seemed stupid. I didn’t get why anyone would want to be in a ‘social network’ and so, amidst endless invites, I ignored it. I actually just assumed it was a dating service. finally, One day, I got bored, joined, and immediately I became addicted to it and pretty much was glued to it for a few years.

Then, along came myspace, a slightly more ‘edgy’ network (by ‘edgy’ I mean you could use curse words in bulletins and girls truly whored out in profile pics). When people I knew started jumping off the Friendster boat, I held strong thinking it was just a phase but, as we all know now, the only people still on Friendster are…well…no one. At best, perhaps some Appalachian mountain person who just got their first computer.

(Side note: I was thinking about this the other day, Do you think there is anyone left on the planet who has a flourishing Friendster life? That would be so ill).

So yeah, when I saw that no one gave a shit, I moved over to Myspace…and it was great. It was the exact same thing as Friendster but with more bells and whistles…and I loved it. It even had music pages where I could whore myself out (which to this day I maintain with a surprising amount of activity for something as archaic as Myspace). I even began what would eventually become this blog on my personal Myspace page. Still, whenever I write new shit, I post it there first so the 7 people who still check their Myspace can read it. So, for years, I rode high on the Myspace, then I began to hear murmurings of ‘Facebook’. Everyone I knew was going over there and leaving Myspace in the dust. I couldn’t blame them because Myspace had truly been over run with spam and shitty rappers asking you if you wanna cop their new shitty mixtape.

For some reason, I held on for a loooong time to Myspace, I fought Facebook as long as I could. Eventually, Myspace was a barren wasteland of vacuous updates from lonely strippers and ad campaigns by worthless musicians, no real people. It got boring….so, once again, in spite of all the ridicule from my friends, I shamefully headed over to Facebook with my head down kicking rocks the whole way over.

That is where I currently reside, it’s fine, no complaints (well, obviously, I have complaints but we’ll get to that later). However, when I hear people shit on Myspace like it was never fun and rave about Facebook, it still kind of annoys me. The reality of it is; It’s not the website, it’s the traffic. If people still checked their Myspace and were active on it, it would still be fun, facebook isn’t THAT much different. Sure, it’s got more applications (the scrabble one is the best thing on the planet) but it’s still basically the same thing.

This also has to do with Myspace pretty much copying everything Facebook does but whatever, same shit. Now everyone tells me I need to join Twitter. This is where it ends; I will never join Twitter. Twitter is basically the worst part of Facebook and nothing else; Fucking status updates. The thing about Twitter is, if you have something to promote or like putting interesting and funny clips or links up — it’s awesome for that. If you’re just some fucking person who feels the whole world needs to know when you eat a bagel — you’re a dip shit. I see it on Facebook and that’s only one feature that Twitter actually offers. Unless you’re funny, famous, or that “most interesting man in the world” motherfucker, you do not need a Twitter. Straight up, you’re just not that important.

So, here’s my beef with status updates in a nice clean list form:

1.)Who gives a shit?
EXAMPLE “just finished my dinner and now i’m watching “lost” with my bf!”

You just ate dinner? Good for you. No one asked for a play by play of your boring evening at home. Did you just get gang raped and need assistance? Twitter that. Hopefully help will find its way. The thing about Twitter and Facebook status updates is that they feed into people’s already wildly inflated notions of self importance. In 2009, people are vapid, attention seeking, assholes and giving them an outlet is pretty much the worst thing imaginable.

2.) Overshare.
EXAMPLE “sometimes the pain i feel inside hurts so much, i doubt it will ever stop. why didn’t you call me back?”

I’m a man who can appreciate good gossip thusly, when people air their dirt in a public forum, it’s always great for me. However, with status updates people mostly opt to air their emotional dirty laundry. I have friends whose virtual meltdowns I’ve seen via status updates. Not only is that shit crazy embarrassing, but it also really just makes you like a person less in general. Like, if you’re “that type of person,” it’s a safe bet that you’re a complete disaster of a human and you’re life is falling apart for a reason.

3.) Who are you talking to?
EXAMPLE “I bet you wish you were doing what i’m doing! loll!”

One of the more embarrassing type of status updates are ones where you can tell people are baiting comments and no one bites. It’s a lonely person’s game and no one ever wins. It’s the internet equivalent of making a joke in front of a crowd and no one laughs. It’s the sound of crickets.

However, in most cases, if you actually know the person, it kinda makes sense that no one would respond to their shit.
Which leads me to…

4.) Who the fuck are your friends?
EXAMPLE “Only two weeks till the fun begins!”

There are a handful of people on Facebook that I’m friends with that I’m fairly certain are lonely friendless morons. However, whenever they post some dumb update about whatever they ate for lunch or some random shit like; “and you know that’s the truth! LOL! ROFL!” They get a ton of responses from people who are seemingly their close friends. It really confuses me because I know these people in real life and no one ACTUALLY likes them. By law, they’re tolerated by all those that cross their path, yet in Facebook land, they’re fucking prom queens and kings.

Go figure…I suppose it makes sense because losers tend to be way more tolerable on the internet.

5.) The fake poets.
EXAMPLE “melancholy melon balls lay atop the dusty table, but what do they know?”

Almost worse than giving vapid assholes a forum to write things, is giving artsy vapid assholes a forum to write things. Be it the people who leave one word updates that mean absolutely nothing to anyone or people who think it’s dope to drop some haiku hybrid they just barfed up about being at the beach. Either way, it sucks and makes you like that person just a little less with every typed letter.

I will say this about Facebook and status updates. I’ve learned a lot about people from them, for one, it turns out I don’t know the last name of tons of people I’m friends with. It also teaches me what people should not be on the internet as well as what people are just complete idiots in general. These are all valuable tools so I guess I should thank the wonderful world of social networks but I swear, mark my fucking words;

I will never Twitter. Seriously…never.

Or maybe I will. Fuck me. I just did.