My neighbor, The faceless pussy.

I got home from a two week tour late last night. I go check my mail and come across something from “the neighborhood watch”. I ignore it immediately cause, what is this, Some suburban town where mail boxes are getting vandalized? Fuck that shit. My girlfriend, however, is a little more curious than I am, so she opens it and reads it. Instead of some lame “we gotta make this neighborhood safe” propaganda pamphlet, it’s actually a pointed (and anonymous) letter directed at all the people who live in my building. In particular, some people who live on the top floor (whom I’ve never met). As my girl is reading the letter, she stops and tells me my name is in the letter. Wha? I snatch it from her hand and , lo and behold, the last paragraph is aimed at me. Instead of explaining it further, here’s a scan of the actual letter. )I covered up the names, addresses and whatever cause, well, the internet is full of creeps and I don’t trust you motherfuckers.)

(click on it if it’s not big enough for your weak ass eyes)

Anyway, suffice to say this was one of those moments where I’m both furious but also pretty amused.
Furious cause of what I’m being accused of and amused at the amazing amount of wrong info this guy/girl had gathered about me. Even more amusing/Infuriating was the way the dickhead wrote it. From the childish baiting to the embarrassing usage of “Old Skool” , this person needs a avage beating only a jail snitch would be able to fathom.
I later go into the hallway of my building and notice the letter has actually been posted in the buildings common area. That was pretty much it. Because this letter was completely anonymous (yet obviously from some dickbag in my building) I took it upon myself to respond with my own letter, which i hung up in the hallway. I tried to be somewhat civilized but, in a case like this, you can only hold back so much.
Before going into that, there are a few things you need to know about me and this building
1)I’ve lived here for about 8 years and I own my apartment.
2)There is a communal backyard in the building that is shared by about 8 different apartments. In all the time I’ve lived here, I’ve spent maybe 2 minutes out there. It’s boring, It means I have to socialize with my neighbors and I have no interest in being around nature, even in it’s smallest doses.
3)I go out of my way , in this building, to keep to myself. I’m polite to all but I’m not trying to make friends. Because of this, i tend to keep fairly quiet (minus a few days here and there when friends are over pre-drinking or watching a sporting event). I even don’t make music at night. In other words, I’m very aware of noise and my neighbors.
Ok, so, with that, here’s my response:

Dear “concerned residents of 14th, 15th and 16th” street AKA “The Neighborhood watch”,

I recently got home from being out of town for two weeks to your anonymous letter concerning noise issues you have been having with some of the people in xxx Wxxth st. I’m not familiar with the xxxx family you so rudely decided to make an example of, but as a person who has lived in this building for almost 10 years, I can’t say I’ve ever noticed any sort of overtly loud parties coming from the top floor. But that’s besides the point, I’m more writing this to defend myself, as I am sure the xxxx’s are capable of that themselves. I’m more writing to make a few corrections to the letter you seemingly pulled directly out of your assumpton filled asshole. An asshole , I might add, that belongs to a total and complete asshole.
Allow me to formally introduce myself to you , even though you seem to know all about me already, judging from you’re childish and misinformed letter.
Hi, my name is Tony Simon. I DO live in Apartment xxx. I have lived here since 2002 (not since 2008). I am , indeed, a musician (although, I’m curious where you got the whole Reggae thing from. It’s called “Google”, it’s not that hard).
Here’s where things get a little confusing. According to you, I’m responsible for numerous loud parties in the back yard that can be heard from blocks away (we both know this is complete bullshit but let’s not get hung up on details). Well, guess what? In the 8 years I’ve lived here, I’ve never once had a party in the backyard. NOT A SINGLE PARTY. Hell, as any of my neighbors can attest to, I pretty much never set foot out there. At best, I’ve had friends over but it’s always stayed indoors and I can assure you XXX (my upstairs neighbor) is only person who would be close enough to hear that.
So, I ask of you, instead of writing anonymous letters like a scorned child and spreading false personal info about myself or the xxxx’s, I’d appreciate if you approached the problem like an adult and maybe discuss this kind of thing in person. I’d also ask that you not make things up , cause it kinda makes you look like a dipshit. An “OLD SKOOL” dipshit. At least, do us the honor of having your facts right. I realize we are all “mindless trailer trash” (I , for one, have lived in Greenwich Village my entire life, so i can see how that might come into play) but I think all parties involved would prefer a direct approach over this slanderous one you got working right now. You’re obviously a master of the internet as you found out info about myself and the xxxx’s, so put that genius to use and perhaps find our phone numbers and give them a call.
I will be reporting your letter the Condo company in hopes that, if anything, I can at least find who wrote this spineless letter in the first place. Maybe we can get together? I can play you some of my awesome reggae tracks. It’ll be a downright party!

Tony Simon AKA The Bob Marley of xxth street.

Not that bad, right? I could have been a much bigger asshole but I feel like sometimes taking the high road (well…sorta high) , works best these kind of situations.
Well, I posted this up and called my building manager’s today. Apparently , this letter has been all the rage this week and they have no idea who sent it. It also turns out , the party this person was complaining about was a fucking baby shower with a Karaoke machine. A FUCKING BABY SHOWER! Call the cops! A baby is being born. there must have been at least a pound of cocaine in there stuffed inside baby bjorns!
Thankfully, no one in the building took this at all seriously and the family the letter is about is actually pursuing legal action once they find out what anonymous cocksucker actually wrote the letter.
Well, I gotta go right now cause my horn section just showed up. We’re recording a remake of “stir it up” in my backyard. It’s gonna be epic. I even purchased riot sirens.