Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see

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I’m a fan of movies. I’ve seen many of them over the years. I’m just like you!
But, I’m also an asshole who is prone to sweeping generalizations and flash opinions on things I know very little about. The thing is, I’ve found my gut reaction to many things (movies, music, humans) to typically be pretty on point. So, I figured it might be fun to review some movies I’ve never seen and never plan to see based entirely on their previews. I feel like this is something that has been done before but I can’t quite put my finger on where. Regardless, I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel. Maybe i’m just “sampling” that original idea. Yeah…that works…

After earth


Besides my completely baseless deep disdain for Jaden Pinkett Smith, the first thing that pops out at me in this trailer is Will Smiths Accent. Not only does it change throughout the few previews I’ve seen but it goes from being a normal US accent to sounding like morgan freeman in south africa. Is that how we will all talk in the far off future? Also, will we all dress like that too? Movies have been trying to get us to believe that all fashion will be lycra tights based forever now and I just don’t see it. We gonna run out of cows on whatever new planet we end up on? Surely we’d take the cows with us. Hamburgers are far too important to society.
Also, if I’m not mistaken, this is the second movie where will smith and his son have played father and son. The first was that one about them being homeless or whatever. I dunno. I didn’t see that piece of shit either. I saw a clip on cable once and they were both crying in a bus station bathroom so I switched the channel. But, regardless, I’m trying to figure out if he makes these movies as a platform for his kid to become famous or if he’s just kinda using these movies as therapy to help him wade through a distant and murky relationship with a child he probably thinks is a dipshit. Tough call. It should also be noted that this is yet another movie where Will Smith plays a dude isolated in a barren wasteland fighting off its violent inhabitants (“I am Legend” being the other). We get it, guy , you’re a bad ass. But you also wear way too much lip balm so slow your roll.
Anyway, this movie looks like like jumanji in space if space was earth. Fuck all that noise.

Fast and Furious 6

This is the #1 movie in the USA right now. I’ve never seen an entire Fast and Furious movie. I’ve seen parts and it did nothing for me. I don’t wanna come off as one of those people who scoffs at mindless action movies…cause I’m not. “Judge dredd” was easily one of my favorite movies from last year. The thing is, I don’t give a shit about car chases. I don’t give a fuck about car tricks and cool driving. Car culture, in general, bores the shit out of me. It’s just not my bag. If I’m watching an action movie, I’m looking for violence and creative killings. That’s it. I can take only so many shots of a car flipping in slow motion before I check out. I’d set the bar higher but these kinda movies are churned out with scripts so bad they might as well have been written by a 3rd grader who’s only experience with cars is slamming his hot wheels together. I get that that is the point and the films aren’t there to be evaluated on the same level as ,say, an actual good movie. That fine. All i ask of a movie like that is to be self aware. Accept that you’re a piece of shit and throw me a wink every now and then. Does fast and the furious do that? I have no clue. If they do, I apologize and take everything I just wrote back. From the previews, it looks like everyone is pretty fucking serious and “cool”. I take issue with Vin Diesel acting all cool and shit when he looks like a tired turtle. On the other hand, The Rock is pretty much the greatest action star ever so I suppose there is hope.

White house down
Olympus has fallen



There was a while ago (let’s call it “The 80’s”) when like 4 different movies came out at once all about kids switching bodies with adults and the hijinks that ensued. That was the first time I noticed that trend in hollywood where , out of nowhere, various different studios will apparently get the same script and say “fuck it!” and all make a movie about the same thing. So, this month, two movies about a direct attack on the white house came out. Both look equally dumb so really, if you’re trying to choose between the two, it’s a choice between Channing Tatum and Gerard Butler. So, basically, younger women will see “white house down” and older women will see “Olympus has fallen”. I’m assuming that’s who are horny for Gerard Butler but i could be mistaken.
For men, I’d imagine you’re either all in or you don’t care. I mean, seriously, you either love this kind of crap or it’s white noise.
The thing about movies like this is that you know how they’re gonna end before they begin. The president lives and the rough and tumble underdog guy saves the day. So, the excitement is the road it takes to get there. It’s not like on some “Zero Dark 30” shit (Which i also haven’t seen yet) where the story of how it went down is probably highly compelling (and somewhat based in reality). This looks like Die hard in the white house. In fact, I’m fairly certain that’s what the cover sheet of the script said. But, I’m afraid there is only one Die hard. Oh wait, there are like 6 of them…but still, they’ve all been made already.
Also, in the case of , “white house down” , if your preview BRAGS of a movie being made by the same person who made “Independence day” , “2012” and “The day after tomorrow” you truly grasping for straws. That’s like having “Multiple time Acquitted date rapist with only minor STD’s!” in your OK cupid profile.

Now you see me

Hey, you know what’s REALLY cool? Magic. Even cooler? Magicians. Even cooler than that? Jesse Eisenberg playing a cool guy. This movie just keeps getting better and better. Next thing you know they’re gonna throw in a mime and some jugglers with a license to kill. I bet David Blaine watches this preview with tears in his eyes.
Making a movie about cool illusionists is like making a movie about Magic the gathering dudes who get tons of pussy. I suppose the suspension of belief is what movies are all about though so that’s something to consider.
Side note, I was in a restaurant the other day and Jesse Eisenberg came in. Yo, he’s HUGE. Like 6’4” and crazy broad. Just kidding. He’s a tiny hunch back who wears wool hats in hot weather and sunglasses indoors.