Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 4

gene_shalit
I love movies. I try and go often. But , sometimes (IE most of the time) , hollywood puts out movies that I don’t need to see. In fact, I can pretty much just watch the previews and get the gist of the entire movie. So, as a time saver, I’m reviewing movies I would never watch in a million years based entirely on their trailers. So simple.

The Mortal Instruments: City of bones

Listen, I’m way to old to care about this. I could not be less in the demographic for this movie. So, there is no use in even bothering with a critique. The reality is that this will probably a huge hit with tweens, resulting in many awkward teen fingering sessions in the back of dark movie theaters. That’s the best possible case I can make for this movie. That and the Porn spoof spin off possibilities are endless. Things like:
The hormonal instruments: City of bonerz
Or
The More-hole instruments: Titties and foam
And that’s just off the cuff at this moment. Gimmie 10 minutes to really think about it and I’ll win an AVN award just off the title.
Anyway, the only thing I can pick out of the trailer that’s odd is that the leading man looks both old as fuck and like a young hitler youth. I like when these tween movies try and cast weird looking dudes as the hunky male lead cause it really puts the fickle taste of young women to the test. Just know that this dude will be wearing hair plugs by the time he’s 24 and , after that, will be type cast as a Nazi for the rest of his life.
But also know that he will be turning down sexual advances from girls with braces for the next 10 years of his life. Fame is a bitch, huh, bro?

Battle of the year

Man, it’s been a while since a good dance movie. Like…a long time. Like, it’s never happened. But, perhaps mixing a dance movie with a Coach Carter type character is the answer. Nah, just kidding. It’s gonna suck twice as much. Also, casting Chris Brown in anything seems like a kiss of death. But, hell, what do i know? I’m sure there are plenty of young ladies out there willing to turn the blind eye to his horrible actions cause, you know, he dances good and shit.
I gotta say though, I’m fascinated by this world that all dance movies create where street dance is everything and people take is super seriously. Where people literally die for the right to do windmills. Also, a world where dancers are tough guys/outsiders. That’s the best. It’s funny cause I’d venture to say “Glee” is the best and most accurate depiction of Dat dance lyfe.
I’d also like to add that any time a movie features a black dude with dyed blonde hair ALA Sisqo, two things are a sure bet:
1)It takes place in the future.
2)it’s REALLY bad.

One Direction: This is Us

I literally have never heard a One Direction song in my life. As it should be. I’m a grown man in my mid 30’s. That said, I’m not particularly bothered by them. They’re boys. in a band. They’re a boy band. Pretty harmless. This movie is pretty much porn for 14 year old girls. That’s fine. I’m sure it’s wholesome. My stance on this is actually coming from a different place. There’s been a thing over the last few years where they make these documentary movies about musicians. Taylor swift, Beiber and Katy Perry have all had them done. I get why they exist and, truth be told, i actually watched the Katy Perry one a few weeks ago(My brief review of that: SERIOUS LACK OF TITS). Something , outside of the obvious, doesn’t sit right with me about the movies. They’re clearly just promotional material made to make the artist look both glamorous and human at the same time but, man, how good would they be if they showed the real people? Like what an insecure cunt Taylor Swift really is or how much pussy these One Direction dudes actually wrangle on a day to to day basis.
Bieber has already proven himself to be a truly boundless little asshole…I wanna see that! In a movie! Hopefully someone is filming Miley Cyrus right now cause her downward spiral would be amazing to watch.

I’m in love with a church girl

Hey you dropped your thug in my bible!
oh, you dropped you bible in my thug!
Put them both together and what do you get? An awesome new movie starring a former vaguely successful pop star who was in love with Rob Kardashian with a washed up fake thug rapper from hip hops worst era ever who used to do videos where he dressed up like he was in Grease.
This is a script Tyler Perry probably glanced over and thought “Nah, too corny…” Which is like Will.I.AM watching a gay porn and thinking “Eh, not gay enough…”.
From what I gather from the preview, Ja Rule’s hesitance to accept the lord has less with him being a street thug (who doesn’t love these hoes and/or his holiness) and more with him being insecure that the lord might accept him for who he is. What a pickle!
I think the best I could hope for with this movie would be a possible duet between Ja rule and Adrienne bailon where they cover “What’s love?” in front of a room full of both Church folk and dead in the heart murderers. Perhaps this duet might even lead to these two total opposite factions of people to understanding each other, if not just a little bit. Then, shortly after the song ends, a plane hits the church leaving no survivors but teaching a crucial lesson that God works in mysterious ways. *shrug* Maybe that can be how the sequel ends.