A bunch of bullshit

Time to call Bullshit on a few things…

Opinions –

This may seem ironic, seeing that everything I write in an opinion on something but… opinions are bullshit. Mine. Yours. God’s. Everyone’s.

As a pretty opinionated person who is also surrounded by other opinionated people, I hear arguments over opinions all the time; Movies, music, religion, food, sports, blah blah blah…it all doesn’t matter. Now, this in no way means you or me or anyone is gonna stop having them but people have to learn to sometimes just agree to disagree.

You like cats? I hate them. Nothing you could ever say or do will change that…and nothing I could say or do would ever change your mind either. Just let it go…opinions make people so fucking protective of themselves and dismissive of others. As I write this I’m rolling my eyes at myself cause I’m the worst about it, but whatever, I’m full of shit.
Sue me.

Women’s Taste in Other Women –

I don’t wanna hear it.

First off, if I hear another girl tell me someone like Jessica alba is not hot, I’m gonna go nuts. Whenever I hear this, I respond with; “What the fuck are you talking about?” which is usually followed by a “She’s so stupid…” response or some other attack of her character. No one said shit about sitting down and talking to her, we’re talking straight up looks here. She is hot. Chances are if you’ve told me alba isn’t hot, she’s 100% hotter then you. Sorry, case closed.

I’ve also heard people diss her tan. She’s fucking half mexican! But it’s not just alba, girls just like shitting on famous hot girls (or even other hot girls in the room). What kills me is that then they turn around and tell me half assed girls like Gwenyth Paltrow and Kate Blanchett are hot…tall, skinny, plain and blonde does not equal attractive.

I’ve noticed when women judge other women’s looks, beyond the obvious cattiness, it becomes about fashion. What women find attractive in other women (on the surface) is usually different then what a normal guy thinks. You’re average guy doesn’t notice shit like shoes, hand bags, earrings or even slight hair color changes. All those accessories mean nothing to us, they play into our opinions on female beauty very minimally. I’ve seen insanely hot girls in acid wash jeans and wrestling boots. Sure, I wouldn’t wanna date them but best believe they were still hot regardless of their shitty outfit. I honestly couldn’t describe three accessories my girlfriend wears on a regular basis but trust I could describe her boobs perfectly.

HBO TV Series Are Kinda All The Same –

First off, I love most HBO shows.
“The Wire” is easily the best drama I’ve ever seen. I watch almost all the rest of their shows and I tend to enjoy them. So, this is kinda knitpickish but I always think of this every time a new drama starts on HBO.

On east 6th street in Manhattan, there are like 50 indian restaurants in a one block radius. I used to go eat there sometimes. They all had basically the same shit for basically the same price. It occurred to me that it was possible that perhaps, instead of separate kitchens in each restaurant, there was one mega-kitchen that just churned out everything. While this is highly unlikely and totally unproven, it’s how I feel about drama’s on HBO; different plate, same meal. With few exceptions, all the shows are pretty much the same shit.

They develop plot and characters the same way and they suck in the viewer in the same way. There’s always the lovable bad guy, there’s always the gay character that defies stereotypes, there’s always the sinister evil person with no redeeming personality traits, there’s always the love story (that could be said for every tv show ever though), and there’s always the main character who is flawed yet overwhelmingly likable.

It’s a formula that HBO came up with that guarantees people to get addicted to whatever show it is. Kinda like certain chords in music that will always make hits cause the human ear is just partial to certain patterns. Whatever it is, props to HBO cause they’ve figured some shit out that no other tv channel has since FOX dabbled with it in the late 80’s (unfortunately for FOX, it only worked on 12 year old boys).

The Validity Of Carob As A Chocolate Substitute –

Liking carob is one thing, I’d say it undeniably sucks but if you like it, more power to you. But the second motherfuckers start trying to pull off the “it’s just as good as chocolate! eat my carob brownies!” Bullshit, it’s a wrap.

Fuck carob and all you carob pushers.

“Based On A True Story” –

Whenever a movie comes out with “based on a true story” next to the title, I think people assume it lends validity to said film. It’s something I never gave much thought to, and thus, never really questioned.

A while back, I went and saw this movie called “The Strangers”. It’s a horror movie “based on a true story” about this couple staying at a house in the woods who gets hunted down by coy maniacs in the most torturous way possible. Basically, lots of cat and mouse games. One of the killers wore a creepy burlap bag over his head with facial features crudely drawn on. Needless to say, everyone gets murdered.

The movie was forgettable but, due to how graphic it got and how weird the killers were, I was curious about what it was based on so I wikipedia’d that shit and found out the “true story” it was based on. It was based on something that actually happened to the writer (or director, I forget), Apparently, he and his girlfriend were at a country house and someone kept ringing the door bell at 2 am. That’s it. That’s what this fucking movie was based on. Some asshole ringing a bell. It was also said to be based on the Manson murders so that explains where all the death parts came from.

My point is, these film people take some serious liberty with the word “based”. I’m gonna make a movie about a flying dragon who shits rainbows and befriends a young crippled boy in space. They go on all sorts of adventures and it’s totally based on a true story. What actually happened is when I was 5 I ate a whole bag of green grapes and my shit was bright green.

So, it’s totally based on reality.

Subtitling American People Talking On American TV –

I was watching that show Gangland and they were interviewing some gang members from Florida. They kept putting subtitles while these guys were speaking perfectly understandable english. I know old people have trouble understanding slang and everything but gimmie a fucking break. I have a harder time understanding people with a lisp then these seemingly unintelligible gang members.

It’s ok if it’s some deep south yokel who talks like he’s never stepped out of a forest or some new orleans creole type who talks in the that super thick “i garrroooonnnteee” accent but otherwise, it’s just unnecessary and kinda racist. In a way, it demeans these people like they’re soooooo uneducated that they need a translator for anyone who’s not from the hood.

In reality, they speak fine. Sure, the grammar is a little iffy but it’s not like they’re speaking french. My mom is a 70 plus year old white woman, and she sure as hell can’t decipher rap lyrics. she only hears the curses but even she can follow some gangbanger talking about doing dirt without needing the play by play.

Lotions Made With Real Fruit –

My mom was watching tons of “queer eye for the straight guy” and got it in her head that I needed “product” in my life. This meant I got a bunch of fruity soaps and facial scrubs for christmas last year (young people beware: this is the kinda shit you get for christmas when you’re over 30). This one thing she gave me is some raspberry body wash, it literally has little raspberry seeds in it and smells like a fruit salad…but it’s soap.

What the fuck is that about?

That kinda shit is asking for some dumb motherfucker to just eat it cause it smells so appetizing. All I’m saying is keep soap soapy. Are we such a food obsessed culture that we need our non-food cleaning products to remind us of food? It’s like people who like to bring food into the bedroom (sexually).

Get your mind right!