Cake always wins

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about the insane amounts of Cupcake stores that have taken over New York City in the recent years. They are fucking everywhere. Now, I’m no enemy to the cupcake. They are pretty delicious in general. Sure, the world famous Magnolia bakery (the one the dried up husks from “Sex in the city” frequented) is completely overrated, but the majority of these places are , at worst, passably awesome.

So, my friend was telling me that all this will soon be changing as pie is gonna be the new thing. She’s certainly a person who follows these sorts of trends , so I don’t doubt her insider info. What I do doubt, however, is that pie could ever knock cupcakes off it’s mighty throne.

I could write a whole book about why any thing cake related is so much better than pie but Comedian Paul F. Tompkins has got it covered:

There is one thing he overlooked though (probably cause he wasn’t relating his entire act to cupcake shops Vs. pie shops). Chances are, if you’re going into a cupcake shop, the vibe will be similar to a lingerie store. Lots of girls and few random boyfriends standing around looking lost. BAsically, the entire cupcake movement has been supported by women.

“But why women?” you may ask. “Everyone loves cupcakes!”

This is true…but think about it. Part of the reason Cupcakes are so fucking popular right now if cause of how they look. By all accounts, cupcakes are an adorable food. Newsflash: Women love adorable shit.The reason a place like Magnolia Bakery is popular is not the actual food. No, it’s cause it’s cute. The decor, the little aprons all the workers wear and, of course, the extremely delicious LOOKING cupcakes.

Perfectly iced in all different colors. Often colors that you don’t typically see on iced desserts like magenta or mint green. Regardless of how completely average these cupcakes may taste, like Prince would say, They’ve got the look. The look that people line up around the block for. The look, so convincing, that people actually pretend to enjoy those colorful shit clumps as if they actually taste halfway decent and not like mediocre wedding cake with unsalted butter on top.

Women have played a huge part in making this cupcake explosion possible. Personally, I’d like to thank them as I’m not ashamed to admit I’ll eat the fuck out of a cupcake. But, like i said, I feel this whole cupcake obsession it largely due to how the cupcakes look. Two things most women are suckers for are small , neat things and an attention to detail. If a perfectly groomed toy dog that was able to arrange bonsai trees and could procreate existed, there would be no need for men. Luckily for us, that doesn’t exist and cupcakes have those two qualities in spades. Pie’s , on the other hand, come in sloppy ass slices. Sure, you can arranged some whipped cream on top and make it look all decadent , but it will never be as neat and perfect as your average cupcake. Also, Women love chocolate. Pie’s tend to be fruit based so that’s a wrap right there.
I was explaining my whole “this pie thing will never happen” angle to my girl and she bought up a good point. What if they make little tiny pies? Would that then even the playing field? Of course not. First off, Like Tompkins mentions above, Icing>>>>>>>>> pie fillings. Secondly, who the fuck makes tiny pies besides those off shoot bakery brands you see in shitty deli’s around the city. There’s a reason no one buy those things. If tiny pies were the answer, I think someone would have mastered that already. At the very least, Hostess, the gods of all mediocre and tasty baked goods, would have taken a stab at it. They couldn’t even keep those pudding pies on the shelves. No dice pie, you lose again.

So, I’m writing this as an advanced gloat to anyone who things pie shops will ever take over cupcake shops. It will not happen. I don’t doubt some pie shops will pop up. I also don’t doubt that they’ll close within months of being open. Pie just isn’t built for this. Sorry Pie, you will never be the “it” dessert. and you will certainly never ever be a cupcake. You fruit filled bitch.