One off’s

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Coherent blogs about actual things are over rated, how ’bout just some random dumb shit? Think of it as a bunch of mini-blogs rolled into one.

Stuff like this:

NAMES ARE OUT OF CONTROL

At the risk of sounding like the oldest man alive, what’s going on with names?
When one has a child, you want to give it a name that will hopefully come to represent that person’s being when they get older. You could go with simple shit like John, Mike, Jenny, Amy, etc…They seem to do the job but not everyone wants to go down the typical path with names.

In my family we have a pretty varied mish-mash of names..from normal shit like Tony, Mark, and Rachel to the more obscure ones like Juno and Teru, and that’s just my siblings, my nieces and nephews are even more all over the place. The common theme is that, while some of the names are strange, they’re also kinda cool. Bugged out names are only shitty when you’re growing up, once you get past a certain age being named some shit like “Trillby” actually has advantages.

So my beef with names isn’t those names..nope..it’s the insistence of wanting to take normal names and make them funky through spelling or adding extra parts for no fucking reason. An example would be Chone Figgans. he’s a baseball player. his first name is pronounced “Shawn”. That’s just insane. Or how about this douche on that old MTV show Maui Fever named Cheyne..his fucking name is pronounced “Shane” or a name like “Amberly” (I’ve seen this one…). Is Amber not a wack enough name that you have add a “ly” to the end? I suppose it does drive home the “my daughter will definitely be stripping” thing but still. Obviously, it’s not the fault of the kids because no one names themselves it’s the asshole parents who are trying to be different but aren’t smart enough to come up with a name that isn’t completely retarded.

I don’t even wanna begin with celebrities who think it’s ok to name their kids whatever fucking word they think of first. That shit is the worst.

SHMENGUINS

Apparently penguins are dying at an alarmingly fast rate. This is sad I guess but on the bright side maybe people will stop making those stupid fucking penguin movies.

GAMBLING VERSES STRIPPERS

Gambling is better then strippers because, with gambling, you sometimes win. However, this is over ruled if you’re in Puerto Rico and pay the extra 20 backs for a blow job, while you may still be a loser, there’s a win in there somewhere.

Winning when you gamble is an awesome feeling. it’s a feeling of truly getting over on something way bigger and more powerful then you. Losing takes the wind out of your sails (and food our of your kids mouths) but at least it brings about real emotions. Strippers either leave you with a hard on and no money or, if you’re me, leave you kinda hating women (as well as no money).

THERA FLU

Thera-flu tastes like kool aid and bile. Chugging it is like barfing in your mouth while eating a starbust and then swallowing it. I know medicine has never tasted good but you’d think they could just make it a fucking pill that does the same thing. That way, you won’t feel like you need to vomit the next time you have a bad head cold.

I THINK I HAVE LOW LEVEL O.C.D.

The past few years I’ve been noticing that I’m kinda developing a light obsessive compulsive disorder. Not like turning a door knob five times every time I leave the room, or counting how many grains of rice are in my california roll. More like..uh…freaking out over getting fucking “event invites” on facebook and needing to wash my hands the second I get off the subway. The “event invite” thing is kinda strange cause I never read them and yet the idea of having something say “event invite!” on my page drives me insane. I have to get rid of it even though, when it all comes down to it, it doesn’t make any difference at all. I need my page to be “clean” I guess…the subway shit kinda makes more sense though. I’m the type, who, when I play sports and sweat, needs to shower immediately when I get home. I have friends who can play ball for 3 hours then kick it in their sweaty gear while they eat. Granted, I sweat more then the average fat man having a heart attack, but whatever, that shit compels me to clean.

Anyway, I get off the subway after touching the steel poles once for like 4 seconds and still keep my hands away from my face like they were smeared in shit. The payoff is, when I get home and clean them, mad dirt comes off, so I feel justified. But still, this is a new thing with me and I can only see it leading to other kinda OCDish behavior. I’m just hoping it doesn’t lead to some weird Howard Hughes-esque lifestyle where I drink my own pee and repeat phrases uncontrollably.

That would suck…

STUPID CAREER CHOICES

My job is a joke. Being an “Artist” is pretty much the worst job you can aspire to have. Don’t get me wrong, once you have it, it’s awesome cause it’s something you love and you don’t have to sit behind a desk 40 hours a week but the chances for success in the arts are pretty grim. There’s a reason 99% of abstract artists are from wealthy backgrounds. It’s cause people who do that kind of shit can afford to. Spending 9 hours a week on some crappy sculpture made of macaroni and cow dung falls nicely into the budget.

While they can afford to wait it out for some minor success, most other people just do it anyway with high hopes but end up eating shit at some crappy job for the next 20 years. To me, the pinnacle of poor career choices is wanna be professional dancers, olympic hopefuls, and magicians. They are all pretty much the same unless they blow up and become one of the rare super famous people in those fields. Otherwise, they all pretty much end up working in a strip club or restaurants.

LUNATICS WHO SING ON THE STREET

Hey guy on the street listening to your I-pod and singing at the top of your lungs. Guess what? No one in the history of the universe has ever gotten signed that way (excluding Tyrese in that old Coca Cola commercial). Whether you’re rapping Tupac lyrics or breaking it down like your man Ne-yo, it’s a no go. It’s also rude and an invasion of everyone’s space, so shut the fuck up and save that shit for the shower like everyone else.

THE SMOKING BAN MAKES FARTING HARD

The only bad thing about the smoking ban in bars is that you can’t really blast off a disgusting fart in a bar anymore. Before you could just go to a heavily populated area and let one loose and it would vanish into the clouds. Now, if you do it, the smell follows you around like a tail.

ENOUGH WITH THE COLOGNE

Some people stink. Some don’t. Most people need deodorant. NO ONE, however, NEEDS cologne. Perfume? I guess…I mean, I could take it or leave it. It definitely tends to leave a mark as far as what particular girls wore and the memories tied into that but cologne is the worst, I just don’t get it. I know girls that like a nice cologne and obviously it’s being worn for them but I just don’t get it.

You know how lysol covers up a smell but in turn makes a newer weirder, almost worse smell? I feel the same way about cologne. Why not just wear fabreeze? I was playing ball at this gym the other day and in the middle of a game I almost choked because a few kids on the side decided it was a dope idea to cover their bodies in AXE body spray. Hype! It seriously was closing my throat passage.

Here’s a question: What girl smells that overpowering stench and is like; “That’s that good shit!”… I almost feel like cologne went out in the mid 90’s but I’m way off…motherfuckers rock that shit like crazy.

I’d rather smell like second hand smoke and asparagus pee.