Preview reviews Vol. 13

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Movies are great, right? I watch them all the time and get great joy from them. Hell, I’ve watched “Zodiac” like 5 times this month just cause it was on, and I’ve seen it like 45 times already. But, sometimes, movies are a let down. Well, let’s be honest. Most movies are a let down. Such is the way of the world with art , in general. There is just too much out there to waste 2 hours on when all you really need to do is watch the preview to understand exactly what you will be getting. That’s where I come in. I review the previews for you so you don’t even have to watch those either. I know you’re busy. So, instead of watching a two minute youtube clip, spend 4 minutes reading me rant about some shit I have no idea about. Makes sense, right? #logic

Nerve

Hollywood loooooves to makes movies with young people about technology gone wrong. This is probably cause hollywood is full of both nerds who love technology and old people who are terrified of it. So, you know, if you write a script about some made up internet thing that turns out to be an evil empire that can only be toppled by two millennials , CHA-CHING!!!!
Watching this preview, it reminded me of when “Hackers” came out, minus the futuristic outfits (which have almost become a reality thanks to Russell Westbrook). It’s a glimpse into the not so distant future but also a paranoid idea of a world where trolling people becomes big business in the form of an online truth or dare game. Like, if they find themselves in deep shit…can’t they just stop? Surely this is covered in this movie (I’ll never find out) but it’s not like the internet got a gun to head of their mothers. Then again, if you’ve ever tried to cancel your facebook page, you know that removing yourself from a website can be a real nightmare. So, perhaps, there’s some truth to this.
More than anything, the idea that two 22 year olds would have the mind, heart and soul to overcome anything, let alone a huge corporation trying to ruin their lives cause “why not!?!” is the most comical thing to me. Like, these kids are too busy taking pictures of food, snapchatting their assholes to each other and writing shitty yelp reviews to truly ever figure out how to take down the illuminati. Am i selling millennials short? Sure. But it’s only to even the playing field cause hollywood got them being super heroes in the future/not future.

Now you see me 2

I’mma take this idea of reviewing previews one step further into peak generalization and not even watch this preview….and still review it. Yup…I have crossed over into a new plane of dismissiveness but, trust me , it’s for a purpose.
“Now you see me” , the original, was one of those movies I casually watched on cable. It started, I was home so I watched it. It was baffling how bad it was. Like…wow. A real “how did this movie get made?!!?” moment. But, like most shitty things, you watch it, shrug your shoulders and move on. I never checked to see if it was a success or if it was enjoyed by the people of rotten tomatoes. I just kinda assumed it did “ok” was panned by anyone with half a brain and that was that.
So, when i see they made a second one, I was shocked and had all sorts of questions. Why? How? What? Huh?
To remind you, the first one was about some bad ass magicians. I’ll stop right there cause that phrase , in itself, doesn’t make sense. I love Penn and Teller. They are much more than magicians, in my mind. But, “bad ass” isn’t exactly what comes to mind when I think of them. A guy like Cris Angel, who’s whole existence is spent trying to be the bad boy of pulling doves out his sleeve, is a dork with Dave navarro hair. Still not a bad ass. So, this movie having the balls to try and make that a thing would be like me making a movie about a group of bedroom producers who run a successful fight club, even though we all know beat makers are anti social shut ins with anxiety issues.
So, to make a SECOND one of these is just…I don’t know…incredible? Like someone wrote a script, it got picked up, actors were called. Sets were designed, locations were scouted (las vegas), craft services was used. All this happened so this movie could exist when I’m fairly certain the first one was enjoyed by only a handful of 14 year old boys and , perhaps, Cris Angel. But, hey, whatever works I suppose. For all i know, this will make 200 million dollars it’s first week…or, maybe, it will just disappear, like the title promises. Whatever the case, this movie is this summers “eh…I guess I’d see that…” last second option for anyone who went to a theater with no game plan/the thing they went to see is sold out.

Me Before you

Movies about disabled people are tricky. It’s like , due to the subject matter, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on the movie itself. It’s “brave” out the gate. The problem is, let’s be honest, most movies about disabled people are shmaltzy, pandering horseshit designed to make people cry. For every great movie about the topic (“My left foot” come to mind. That one about the parapalegic who has sex was good too), something like this comes alone. It’s like a typical terrible romance movie…but with a little twist! So, this super hot, down on her luck, lost in a life lady lands the job taking care of a disabled guy (cause no training is needed for that kind of thing) and he turns out to be a handsome and charming, yet paralyzed, billionnaire. But then, get this…she’s there to help him but then HE ends up TEACHING HER…about herself! Shut the front door!!! And wait…lemme guess…does he fall in love with her and learn to open his cold heart and see life in a more flowery way? It’s like rediscovering the wheel for the five millionth time!
Also, I feel bad for Emilia Clark cause she’s always gonna be Khaleesi no matter how many movies she makes. It’s the gift and curse of being on a wildly popular tv show. So, anyone who sees this is gonna be like “Oh yeah, the one where Khaleesi falls in love with a guy in a wheelchair?!?!”. That’s gotta burn.

Preview Reviews Vol. 12

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Listen man…Ain’t nobody got time to be seeing every movie that comes out. I’ve already made it my life goal to never see the new star wars so it’s not like I’m heading to the theater for just anything. In times like this, I’d rather just watch the preview and base my entire opinion on that. Unfair? Certainly but, you’d be surprised by how on point my intuition can be. So, today, I will be reviewing these based only on the trailers and all the preconceived notions I have about the people involved with said movie. Why not? If nothing else…It’s a time saver for us all.

Pride and Prejudice and zombies

I have this problem. When i see a movie that takes place in certain eras, I tune out. This isn’t specific to one era but #1 with a bullet is anything that takes place in the 1800’s starring british people. It’s nothing personal but I simply could not care less about anything than that 100 year span in that particular place.
This movie , however, must know that I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m not even a millennial. If I don’t give a fuck about that era, they must not even know it happened. So what do they do to spark interest? ADD ZOMBIES.
Yes, Zombies. When your movie is a shit storm that no one wants to sit through, just add a bunch of slow walking flesh eaters. Cause, as you know, motherfuckers love zombies. Or do they?
I mean…there is no questioning that zombie movies took off a while back, leading to “The walking dead” , which was/is a huge success. That said, I feel as though we’re about done here. It’s been covered. Much like when everyone tried to remake the formula of “Twilight” , the zombie movie has been done to death and it’s a wrap. Someone thought they were clever and was like “I know it’s beating a dead horse but…what if we took zombies and threw them in a Jane Austin era type setting…also, GIRL POWER! I see slow motion flip kicks and corsets!”.
I legit imagine movie meetings being exactly like that.
Sufficed to say, this movie looks like it’s the fucking worst and will bomb horrifically, as it should.

Now you see me 2

I am ashamed to say I have seen “Now you see me”. In my defense, having cable and hangovers makes you watch things you normally wouldn’t. If you’re wondering, it was bad. But not just “normal bad”. It was ‘I wish there was someone else in the room so i could look at the like “what the fuck is this shit?” ‘ kinda bad. I literally had to call someone after I watched it, to talk about how shitty it was. That’s rare.
So, to my surprise, they’re making a sequel. The gang is all back! I think…I’m not even gonna lie. I barely lifted my eyes up to look at the screen while it was playing cause fuck this movie and fuck everyone in it.
Sequels are cash grabs. They are rarely good and ,generally, just the original poorly rehashed. So, even when good movies do them, the results are painful. I don’t wanna be a bummer but the chances of Zoolander 2 being good are very low. But this movie? I mean…if it can somehow be worse than the first one? I feel like time may collapse. Everyone in the theater will implode like the house at the end of Poltergeist. So, do yourself a favor and avoid this one, for your own safety.


Deadpool


I feel like, excluding girls who want to have sex with him, everyone hates Ryan Reynolds. I actually don’t have a problem with him. Still, every time he’s in a movie , people groan as if it’s his fault he got cast in it. To be fair, he’s only been in , like, two watchable movies but one of those is the heavily slept on “Just friends” that you should go see immediately. Thing about Reynolds is that he’s a sarcastic funny guy who happens to be super handsome and built like an action star. So, he always gets cast as these hero types but, in reality, he’s much better suited to be Van wilder until the day he dies.
So, there’s that…then you got this whole “let’s make a movie about every superhero ever written” thing that Marvel is doing. I’m not a comic book guy. I’m not a superhero movie guy, in general. But, man, are they scraping the bottom of the barrel. At least they just put Jessica Jones on Netflix. What the fuck is a “Deadpool”? Well, judging from the preview, it’s a new kinda super hero. He got jokes, yo! Lord knows, every good superhero needs some witty tag lines. Luckily for us all, Deadpool is all tag lines. So, expect a whole lot of “Mind if I drop in?” when he flies through the air into a group of bad guys. Depending where you stand, that could be awesome or terrible to you. You make the call.

Dirty grandpa

I can’t be the only one who saw this and immediately thought “Didn’t Johnny Knoxville make this movie?”. But no, that’s was “Bad Grandpa” and this is totally different. The world has been clamoring for a movie where Zac Efron and Robert Dinero do comedy together. Well, world, your prayers have been answered. Finally , 19 year old girls and their surly dads have a movie they can sit through uncomfortably together.
I always feel that movies like this are made specifically for the people in them. For Efron, he get’s to work with a legend. For Dinero, he get’s to go to a beach for a month to film and make some more money. Also, he gets to take a weak stab at having a new generation remember who he is. Spoiler alert: They don’t care.
But, outside of the actors, who is this movie for? There is no target audience here. Which is mind boggling considering this movie must have gone through all sorts of focus groups. This is the film equivalent of throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. Yeah, it’s probably slap against the wall, leave a small stain and plop back to the ground within seconds BUT, PERHAPS, a few chunks will actually stick. You never know! After all, they made a sequel for “Red” so anything is possible.

Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 12

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Hi there and welcome to a real time saver. Listen, tons of movies come out but who’s got the time to watch them all. Not me and certainly not you. So, to save us all time, i simply watch the trailers and review those. See, you can often read a book by it’s cover. So, let’s look at these movies I have not seen and let my sweeping generalizations do the talking.

Ant-Man

Here’s the thing, I love Paul Rudd. I haven’t seen all his movies but I’ve seen most of them. He’s never been bad in anything. He’s pulled off roles that 99% of other actors wouldn’t made completely corny and somehow made himself likable to both men and women. It’s something you can’t really say about most actors So, I ride hard for Rudd. That said, I’m not a superhero movie guy. I mean, I can enjoy them on some level but I don’t REALLY care. Maybe I’m too old for that shit or maybe I just I stopped giving a fuck about that kinda thing when I shit my spiderman underoos at age 3. Only a shrink can tell you.
What I do know is that Marvel movies be makin’ money. Every time. Partially cause they own the rights to all to good superheroes. And then there is “Ant-man”. Now, I was never a comic book guy so I have no idea about the backstory of “Ant-man”. I’m sure it existed but, on what plane? I think it’s safe to say that Marvel is digging into the deep cuts with this one. This would be like if Miley Cyrus made an album and released a minimal ambient death core track with no singing on it as her first single.
Thing is, I know Rudd will be good in this. He always is. But Ant-man? Ohhhh, he shrinks and gets strong! He fights blood cells! Can he cure AIDS? I don’t even know. Meanwhile, a real Aquaman movie is still sitting on the shelf somewhere. Probably cause it sucks.

Paper Towns

This is a subtle new genre of movies about a dorky guy and the out of his league love interest who finally cross paths. The girl is basically like yoda with lipgloss. She’s seen things, man! She’s lived! She dated a few college guys so , you know, she can learn you a thing or two about life. MAybe her dad was a drunk, I dunno. But whatever has happened to her , thus far in life, has made her tough and deep.
Keep in mind, these are both teenagers and , if I know nothing else, it’s that teenagers don’t know shit about anything. Even ones who have been through some heavy shit. It’s not their fault, they’re young.
Now, I didn’t see “The fault in our stars” either cause I’m a grown male but it seemed to carry a similar theme. Young girl teaches sheltered young boy about life. This is basically that, minus the cancer. Possibly more hi-jinx. I dunno. That’s a guess. Don’t hold me to the Hi-jinx promise. At the very least, a story of personal growth that involves a mystery and a road trip.
I’m not the target audience for this movie but I’m pretty sure teenaged me would wiped my ass with it as well. I suppose teenaged me knew a lot.

Ricki and the Flash

Ooof…Damn Meryl. You’re fucking Meryl Streep. You don’t have to do the “Life long rocker gets a soul” movie. you’re better than that. At first glance I thought they made a Melissa Ethridge biopic. This seems to be something that a few aging actors have tried. A movie where they play a delusional but devoted old rocker. They can’t give up the dream, man! I believe there’s even a TV show starring Denis Leary about to air about the exact same thing.
Much like Paul Rudd, Meryl Streep is always good. Granted, the movies she tends to be in are far out of my wheelhouse but I can’t front on her talent. I didn’t see “Into the woods” but, sure, I bet she kills it. So, i don’t doubt she’s gonna be as good as this movie allows her to be. It’s just, i dunno…This just looks corny to me. Not in a typical “hollywood movies are corny” kinda way. It seems poorly written and contrived. Which would be fine if it starred Mary Steenburgen as Ricki but this is a Meryl Streep movie. Surely she read the script?
This all begs the question, did Meryl Streep owe someone a favor? Perhaps she’s in debt? I dunno…someone needs to check in on her though cause I think she may be in danger. She made a lifetime channel movie. It sounds pretty serious. My prayers are with her.

White People

FINALLY! A movie I can relate to as a white male!
Wow…this movie, man. Umm…I don’t even know what to say. I actually really wanna see it cause there’s no way it’s not going to be both hilarious and wildly awkward. White people are a funny group. We somehow find a balance of guilt and entitlement that translates to many of us having no perception of how good we have it, in the larger scheme of things. I’m sure this movie tackles that. My hope is that it tackles that in a way that will make me deeply belly laugh as undergrads fumble their way though explaining why being white is alright to a room for of minorities who think they’re full of shit. If that’s what this movie is about, it could very well be the best thing ever.
The dude who seems to be interviewing everyone could, in fact, be the greatest troll of all time. He probably understands that making white people explain themselves , on a racial level, is gold. While it looks like team building workshop gone terribly wrong, if I get to see a bunch of midwestern teenagers cry cause they feel guilty for being white, it will be all worth it.
That said, this is a movie made for MTV. So, in reality, it will be a farce and totally let me down. There will be hugging at the end and , when it’s all said and done, it will have cured racism. Thanks MTV! I knew you could do it! Now, put back on some pregnant teens and let’s get serious.
Also, for a good laugh, check out the youtube comments on this one. Some real winners in there.

Preview Reviews Vol. 11

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Movies. They’re cool and all but, sadly, most of them are a complete waste of time. Not everything can be the new MAd Max movies so, when that happens, I’m here to save us all some times and review movies I haven’t seen based entirely on their trailers. Cause, let’s be honest, we all “get” it. In those 2-3 minutes, you see all you need to know. So, allow me to get my Ebert on.

San Andreas

I think my favorite part about disaster movies is how realistic they are. Like that 9.8 on the ricter scale earthquake that tears apart the entire state of california…when that happens, y’all are definitely fucked. Unfortunately for you, you won’t have dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to save you. I’m pretty sure The Rock and Earthquake have wrestled in real life but this is a whole different beast.
This is an earthquake with feelings and anger. It’s not random or aimless. This earthquake, much like the tidal wave in “The day after tomorrow” or that other earthquake in “2012”, is a guided missile of hate aimed directly at who ever happens to be on screen. The Rock, however, is not having it. he’s gonna fight that earthquake. Maybe he’ll drop the peoples elbow on it from atop the Golden gate bridge? you never know! Can you body slam aftershocks? I suppose we’ll find out. All I know is that, when the dust clears and millions of lives are lost in this made up situation, you can bet that The Rock will be standing tall atop a pile of rubble, holding the women he’s currently fucking in his arms like a championship belt. Can you smelllllll who the Rock is fuckingggggg!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!

Aloha

Now, this is a star studded cast of likable motherfuckers. There is no denying that. I don’t doubt there will be some entertaining or endearing moments but hear me out…it’s a Cameron Crowe movie. To some of you, that brings a smile to your face cause Crowe has long been the manufacturer of likable movies about likable underdogs who do likable shit blah blah blah. I’d be lying if I said he’s never done good work but, at the same time, I’d also be lying if I said he wasn’t the epitome of “basic white person melodra-medy”. He’s got an equation and he runs with it. It works. This movie might as well be a glass of white wine being sipped on the deck of a hamptons beach house. This movie is wealthy but it also voted for Obama. This movie knows how to crochet. This movie knows exactly what side to put the tiny fork that’s possibly for salad or cheese (I don’t know) when setting the table at a dinner party. This movie is gluten free. This movie plays tennis on sunday mornings with it’s college buddies cause, you know, it’s a tradition. This movie secretly says the N-word when it’s alone.
Does this make it a bad movie? Probably not. But I wouldn’t really wanna hang out with it either.

We are your friends

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This movie HAD to happen. It was a matter of time. Shout out to Max from “Catfish” for being the guy bold enough to make it.
The success/underdog story is no new thing. It can be interchangeable with any skill. Ping pong, bar tending, golf, child rearing. Anything. It’s really a sure shot way to make a movie people will sit through even though it always ends the same way and the same pitfalls happen every time.
In the case of the struggling EDM dj, this is especially hilarious. For many reasons…for one, they make it seems like being an EDM dj is some deep soul searching skill set. That’s awesome. Also, they make it seem like making EDM is an enlightening experience. They literally show this dude sampling the sounds of a stapler gun like a fucking foley artist. This isn’t Amon tobin…this is some asshole making ibiza molly music for teenagers. Oh, the life of an artiste!
Now, to be clear, I wanna see this movie. I wanna sit in my seat , seething. I want to inflict that pain upon myself cause , well, I just do. The same reason I sat through “Rent” or “Get rich or die trying”. Sometimes, you have to challenge your limits of human endurance. This movie will be like a clockwork orange moment for me. But I’m up for the challenge. When it comes to cable or torrents, that is. No fucking way I’m paying to see this piece of shit.
I should also add that Emily Ratajkowski is in this so I also might masturbate to it if it’s on and I’m alone. I only tell you guys that cause YOU are my friends.

The last Witch Hunter

This film is not to be confused with “The last bitch hunter” porn series, btw.
Man, to be the last of anything must be scary. I look at Vincent Diesel and feel his pain. I mean, in a world that was once filled with witch hunters, it must be a lonely feeling when you’re the last man standing. And think of all those witches that need to be hunted? There must be hundreds…thousands, even! That’s a lot of work for one guy.
As for the preview, do I hear an accent going on here? Was it british? I can’t tell. Diesel is such a versatile actor it’s hard to really put him in a corner with his dialects. It could be south african. Maybe just eastern european. Whatever it is, I’m sure he nails ever fucking word of it. He’s Vinny D! It’s what he does! He nails accents and kills witches. What more could you ask for.
Side note, if you’re excited to see this movie, you are a fucking moron. Is it me or does this look like the preview was made before the film was even finished? This feels like a poorly executed teaser , if anything.
Also, “You will be hunted” is definitely gonna take off as a famous tag line like “I’ll be back” or “My wife!”. It’s just so fucking catchy.

Preview reviews vol. 10

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It’s time once again for the ultimate time saver. So many movies come out every year. It’s hard to keep up. I love films but who has time to go see a movie every week? Instead, I find it easier to just watch the trailers and reviews those. Why? Cause most movies are so full of shit, do you really need to watch the whole thing to get the picture? The 2.5 minutes of preview is more than enough for me. So, let’s all go to the movie…preview section of youtube.

Straight Outta Compton

Music biopics are tough. ESPECIALLY when most of the people in the movie are both still alive and have their hands in the pot. If I wrack my brain, I can think of some decent Biopics. “Ray”…was okay. “Cadillac Records” was watchable. “Walk the line” wasn’t terrible. But, even those movies were slightly off. There’s something about retelling a story that actually happened that hollywood can never fully embrace with honesty. In the case of this new NWA movie, I’m expecting full blown bullshit to the gills. Will I watch it on cable? Hell fucking yeah I will. It’s a rap biopic. How could I not? But, man, it’s gonna be fucking bad.
The thing about movies like this is that they’re generally made for people who know nothing about the subject. It makes sense that it would be like that to attract a larger audience but, for those people who actually know about NWA, this will no doubt be offensive. Outside of the movie just looking corny and formulaic, I’m basing this on the fact that MC ren doesn’t appear in any of the previews I’ve seen. How the fuck you gonna make a movie about NWA and not mention Ren? I’m guessing he’ll be in this entire movie as a dude in background of every scene with random one off lines like “Yeah!” or “These people don’t even know!”. I get if they buried Yella, but Ren? That’s just disrespectful. In fact, I’d rather watch an MC Ren documentary than this piece of shit movie. Where’s Ren? I wanna know!

Premature

I’m not even gonna front. This probably has some funny moments in it and will make a perfect cable movie. Something I can watch half heartedly while texting and playing candy crush.
The thing I take issue here is where it says “Like a mix between groundhogs day and American pie!”
Hold up there, breh. This isn’t a “mix” of anything. It’s the exact same fucking plot as Groundhogs day , but in high school, so it’s kinda like “American Pie” too. THE SAME FUCKING THING. So, wait, you’re telling me this kid wakes up every day in the same day? And then , as the days pass, he learns the importance of his life or whatever? No shit. Lemme guess, he gets some sort of spiritual redemption at the end? Get all the way the fuck outta here with that shit.
Listen, I know hollywood has run out of ideas and has been remaking 80’s and 90’s movies for a while now. But this one? It’s not even trying to be different. It’s as if, it was conjured in a boardroom meeting but people picking movie names out of a hat.
“Okay, let’s see…I got “scream” and “What about bob?”
“Nah, pick again…”
“Okay, I got “Blade runner” and “Who framed Roger rabbit?”. That could be really good!”
“Eh, doesn’t feel right. Pick again.”
“Umm..,let’s see…”American pie” and “Groundhogs day”?”
“YES! I’ll start writing the script tonight!”

Paul Blart: Mall cop 2

One of the times in my life I was most offended was when someone told me I looked like Kevin James. It stung deep. Granted it was a drunk rapper who said it and I get the feeling he thought all white people look alike but still…I’ll never forget it. But I digress.
For some reason, I have watched Paul Blart Mall cop 1. Well, lemme correct that…I watched about 20 minutes of it and turned it off. That may not sound like anything out of the ordinary but I actually have a high threshold for shitty movies. I’ve watched “Rent” in it’s entirety. I’ve seen “Little man” a few times in passing. But “Paul blart mall cop”? Couldn’t do it…and I was on a fucking plane. Do you know how bad a movie has to be to stop watching it on a plane? That means I’d rather sit in silence, watching the back of seat than even try to entertain myself with a movie. It was that bad. Let’s be honest, Kevin James isn’t very funny. He’s likable. I don’t hate him and I bet he’s a nice guy who, in person, might actually be kinda funny. But as an actor and comedian? Nah, B. He’s got one of those careers that baffles me cause I’ve literally never met a person who champions him. I understand the popularity of the blue collar comedy tour comics more than I do the fact there is a second Paul Blart movie. “Oh, look at the inept dork on a segway fumble his way into crime solving”. Clearly, this is for the kids. I just feel bad for all the parents out there that will have to sit through this horse shit. Shit like that will make you resent your kid and question why you even made him/her in the first place. Thanks Paul Blart!

Hot Pursuit

Every now and then a preview comes along and, right off the bat, you get that feeling of “ohhh…this is a bad idea…”. Unlikely buddy movies often elicit that response cause, let’s face it, it’s well worn territory. Even ones with two actors who I like are kinda suspect. In a way, buddy movies are where funny people end up after they’ve had a little success and wanna cash in. It’s the comedians version of a special effects driven blockbuster. They’re also seemingly a testing ground for Tv actors trying to jump onto the big screen.
In the case of “Hot Pursuit”, we got two ladies I have no problem with. Say what you will about Reese Witherspoon but she’s been good in a bunch of movies and is likable enough. Sofia Vergara…seems like the best person of all time. Is she funny? I dunno. I don’t watch Modern Family. All I know is that she’s insanely hot and old. I also know that she’s famous for literally sleeping her way to the top in the south american soap opera world and I actually respect that…cause it clearly paid off.
But this movie, and movies like it, are so formulaic it’s a wonder they still bother even making it. Still, it feels like one comes out every year and yields the same results. Hi-jinx!
I think what’s most curious about this is who is it’s target audience? Bored Women? Milf lovers? Gay dudes? Latino people? Deaf people? It dips it’s toes in all those pools but, really, i feel like the majority of all those groups can find better movies to fulfill their generalized needs.
This movies is definitely one that I will one day watch on a plane…unless it costs money. i wouldn’t pay to see this bullshit in a million years.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 9

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Hi there and good day. In this series, I review movies I have never seen based entirely off their trailers. It’s called reading a book by it’s cover and it’s 85% accurate. Maybe even more. Listen, movies come out all the time…who’s got all that free space in their lives to go a see them? Well, i do actually but fuck all that. Movies are expensive and they mostly suck. So, join me for some sweeping generalizations about movies I will probably either never see or watch reluctantly at 3 am once they show up on cable. Art!

Jupiter ascending

In every young actors career they need that one movie. That movie that comes out years after they have already established themselves as box office gold. It’s a test. Kinda like walking under the bridge and meeting the troll. They’ve made blockbusters. They’ve made critically acclaimed indie films. They’ve done it all…except this one kind of movie. If there was an actor bible it would be page one. “Once your career is going great, Thou must make a convoluted Sci-fi , action movie that costs $100 million , based 80% on the merit of its special effects with a terrible script. The actor must dye his hair a funny color and speak in a marginally recognizable kinda sorta british accent”.
For Channing Tatum, this is that movie. It was only a matter of time. It’s not his fault. It’s how hollywood works. For some, you can come back from it. For others, it’s truly a test of how strong your star power is. Wesley Snipes never recovered. Stephen Dorff went missing after his. Let’s hope Tatum can ride on the strength of “Fox catcher” and not fall a victim like so many young actors before him. God bless and godspeed!

Paddington

Maybe I’m nostalgic but…I need movies to leave some things from my youth alone. In case of Paddington bear, I have no memories of what he was about. All I know is he wore a hat and a raincoat. I know this cause I owned a Paddington bear stuffed animal when I was a small child. His story of how he became a tiny bear with a hat and a raincoat is not one I’m familiar with. You might think that, hey, perhaps you’d like to find out just how this bear learned to wear clothing and why is he so worried about rain all the fucking time? Well, nope. I’m not. Sometimes, for kids stuff, I just wish things could just be. Can’t he simply be a cute bear with clothes on? Do we have to know everything? Mystery is underrated. Especially concerning things for children. Kids are so visual that all it takes is seeing this bear and they are good to go. They’re all in. Now, I know there were Paddington bear books and I get that this movie will make billions of dollars worldwide. But, i dunno…To me he’s always gonna be that stuffed animal and watching him in his animated “who framed roger rabbit?” glory just seems disrespectful. Shit like this makes me respect Bill Watterson (The guy who made calvin and hobbs) cause he kept that shit on paper. Also, Calvin and hobbes was way fucking cooler than Paddington bear. That dude corny, b.

Backstreet Boys: Show’em what you’re made of

Let me start this off by saying I will 100% watch this movie when it’s available on netflix or cable. I’m a sucker for music docs and this has the potential to be amazing. That said, it will not be amazing. It will be annoying as fuck. Why? Because instead of just tearing the mask off of the backstreet boys and digging deep into the dirt behind the how and why, it will be a cornball ass redemption song about 5 dudes in they’re late 30’s dancing for european moms. I’m sitting here wanting stories of groupies and drug abuse (which you know they have tons of). That would be a fucking movie! Hearing the one who always wears bandanas tell us about the time he pissed on 10 girls at once cause he was too coked up to fuck them. That’s the kind of thing that would take this movie to an honest level of reality. But, nah…it’s gonna simply be them whining about how they were famous once and how it wasn’t really them. Then there will be a brief glazing over of the time between then and now when they all went their separate ways. After that, they will reunite in London to record the new album (as true artists) and then go on tour and dance around on stage in fedoras like it was 1997 again. Yeah yeah yeah…I want coke stories , guys. We all want coke stories. It’s really not that hard.

The wedding Ringer

Get hard

So, you’re really telling me there are two movies about to come out within a few weeks of each other about Kevin Hart helping a nerdy white dude? Are you fucking serious? You would think the studios would have a clause that says “The actor in the movie cannot make a similar movie to this for at least 6 months”. It’s kinda like when I’m touring and there’s a clause that says “The artist cannot perform anywhere within 100 miles of this show for a month before this show”.
But nope! Kevin Hart is unstoppable. Not in his talent or humor but his work ethic. Dude does not say no. I’m not even mad at him. I don’t find him particularly funny but I also don’t think everything he does is shit. He’s kinda right in the middle with me. So, based on the co-stars, I’m thinking “The wedding ringer” will be shittier than “Get hard”. I think that’s kinda obvious. No disrespect to Josh Gad but, come on bro…Will ferrell is still Will ferrell. Sure , “Get hard” could be as bad as “Anchorman 2” (which would be a feat cause, , holy shit, was that bad) but I still have faith.
Both plot lines have been done to death and are pretty much cookie cutter comedies. The “cool guy fixes dork” concept is as old as any. That said, I’d be lying if I said I won’t watch these on a place or hungover on my couch. I feel like movies like this exist for that purpose alone.

Previews reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 8

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Who’s got time to see whole movies nowadays? Maybe 10 good movies get made a year so why waste your time seeing some bullshit when you can just watch the previews and judge it based on that? I’m here to do that for you. So, here are my reviews of these movies i haven’t seen , based entirely on their trailers. Trust me, I’m rarely wrong about these things.

Ouija

It is REALLY hard to get movies made nowadays. Unless you got a huge star and foreign backing, you could be shit out of luck. That is, of course, unless you make horror movies. Horror movies are the opposite. All you need is a half baked idea based on a weak premise and , voila! MONEY. Why? Cause they’re easy and people who can’t make their mind up at the cineplex can be like “Fuck it let’s go see that scary movie about that creepy doll…”. Also, they’re super cheap to make, considering how much money they earn.
Now, I’m down with the genre. I grew up renting cult horror classics from the video store (yes, it was a long time ago). Good horror movies still do exist for sure. But, the majority of them are movies like what I imagine this one will be like. Nameless casts of young attractive people , being scared and killed in boring ways over some dumb shit they could have avoided. They rarely show the violence (shout out to the last Evil dead, as that fucking movie DELIVERED) and it’s mostly just people/flying furniture/children/zombie faced women jumping out at you at predictable moments. I’m not sure what this is rated but the PG-13 horror movie is a real thing and it’s pretty much the dumbest shit you could ever do. It’s like diet cake. What’s the fucking point?
In the case of, Oiuja, it’s following in the footsteps of such classics as “Battleship” and “Clue” in taking a board game and bringing it to the silver screen. I actually just read that there is talk of a Monopoly Movie in the works so, you know, hold on to your fucking seats and DO PASS GO! AMIRITE!?!?!?!
This is one of those previews that pretty much covers all the bases for you. You’ve seen this movie. Many, many times. You know how it ends…and even if it surprises you do you really give a shit? It should also be noted that this will undoubtedly be the start of a Oiuja movie franchise. Why? Cause they can and people will see it. And that’s how that works.

The boy next door

So many funny things going on it this one…I feel as though the best way to approach it would be via bullet points
1)Ohh…STEAMY! I don’t know what jamaican island J-lo went to and what native blew her back out but she has her groove back. Between this and that “Booty” video, she’s walking around like a white girl who just got back from cancun and now is thinking of growing a single dreadlock.
2)I hate to be the guy that points trivial things out but…
For one, J-lo plays the mom of a dorky white child. Umm…okay. At least teach that little prick some spanish. He needs some latin flavor, J-lo!
Secondly, the dude who plays the young high school hunk is maybe 33 years old. I know these are givens in movies but, come on…That guy looks more like someone who’s been working at a firehouse for a decade than a teenager.
3)Much like the lazy horror movie, the 80’s/90’s movie rehash for cash is a goldmine that will get green lit without a second thought. Back in the 90’s, there was a movie called “The crush” and another movie called “fear” (which is fucking awesome, btw). Add a little “Fatal attraction” and you have what we see before you. This movie is those three movies…but with J-lo and that really old kid.
I think part of the problem with these formulaic rehashes is that they don’t go the extra mile. You wanna make this movie special? How bout kick that sex scene up a couple notches and , instead of making it all corny and “sensual”, have the dude actually have sex with j-lo. Like for real, for real. Penetration and everything. They could do it “artistically”. That alone would make this movie the most talked about thing of the year. And later, when he goes nuts, how bout some real , fucked up hardcore violence? Have you seen the movie “Irreversible”? Like the first scene in that movie. Then, like that, you have taken this soulless and empty movie and turned it into a cutting edge horror/thriller that people will never forget. But, nah…let’s just play it safe. The edgiest this movie gets is that it’s hinted at that the young guy goes down on J-lo. He did that so you know he’s a bad boy. ohhhhh Kill’em!

Wish I was here

This is that movie that Zach Braff got made via kickstarter. My opinion on a millionaire getting poorer strangers to pay for his movie to be made is another topic so, I leave that alone and just focus on the preview itself.
This movie looks like a really well made parody movie in the realm of “Date movie” or “scary movie” and it should be called “indie movie”. It’s got it all! Off color jokes for the whole family, sick/dying parents, dealing with sadness, personal discovery, music that seems made specifically for these kinda movies (the thought of Zack braff’s I-tunes playlists is bone chilling), running in a desert/field while finally figuring it all out.
This is the type of movie that you see the preview for, while on a date, and the girl turns to you and says “Oh, that looks good!” and you immediately reevaluate if it’s worth sleeping with her. It’s the basic bitch of indie movies.
I don’t know what it is about Zack Braff that makes him so unlikable. His face? His kermit like voice? Or that I’ve heard he’s a total ego maniac prick in real life. Whatever it is, he’s one of those love or hate kinda actors. You know, now that I think about it, I think it’s cause he could so easily be the guy who fucked your girl and you’d be like “What? You fucked Zack braff?!? What? Why? Him?!?!!?” and the girl wouldn’t even know what to say cause she’s just as shocked and ashamed as you are.

Dracula untold

I realize this is a different take on the whole Dracula movie. So, while I am completely over and done with any movie that has anything to do with Dracula , I do see how this could be different. Truth be told though, vampire shit BEEN corny. At least zombie related stuff can be awesome and extremely gory. Vampire movies tend to be either for teenaged girls or all about some british dandy who sleeps all day and happens to need human blood to survive.
Also, why does dracula always have to be handsome and charming? You would think a pale shut in would maybe just once be a fucking dork. You know who’d make a great dracula? 80’s comedian Emo Phillips.
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Look at that guy. Throw a cape and some fake teeth on him and he’s ready to go. He’ll suck your blood and be REALLY weird about it. Cause let’s be honest, Dracula was probably a total anti social loser.
As for this movie itself, you know…it looks like one of these fucking movies. Special effects, inner turmoil and probably a love story that everyone seeing it will think is completely unnecessary. This is another movie that, if they really went for it, I bet they could knock it out the park. The concept of the untold story of Dracula has a lot of room to be good. Maybe his untold story is that he’s a cutter? or perhaps he’s got a deep foot fetish that haunts him? I wanna know about that. I could give a fuck about all this other stuff though. Lemme inside the REAL Dracula, bro.