Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 4

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Going to movies is great. But the best part? The previews, AMIRITE?!?!?! No, i’m not right. That’s total bullshit but still, previews are a great way to waste time and finish your pop corn before the actual film begins. Like most people, I tend to sit there, watching the previews and judging them. “That’s looks good” or “Definitely not gonna see that piece of shit” seem to be the two go to standards. This column is taking that idea and going a little deeper. I have not seen any of these movies. In fact, I doubt I ever will. Why? Cause I don’t need to. It’s all in the preview. So, these are my reviews of movies I’ve never seen based entirely off the 2 minute preview. A real time saver.

Need for Speed

What do you do when life has you in a corner? When it seems like the whole world is against you and you have no way out? The clear answer: Fight back…with cars.
Yes, only driving really fast can make a difference. Who needs guns or even the ability to resolve problems using common sense. Nope. This is no time for that. This is a moment where only buckling your seatbelt, checking your rearview mirrors and tearing asphalt can make things better.
With the death of Paul Walker, I bet all you Fast and Furious heads were clamoring for that next shit. Well, here it is. This is the Phish to the Fast and Furious’ Grateful Dead. The problem with this, when compared to FATF Franchise is that it seems to take itself very seriously. I mean, the dude is pretty much reading a high school poem over the entire preview. Not a good look considering the average person going to this is either gonna be high, drunk or just likes explosions.
Does it look like shit? Oh yeah. Is it an odd choice for Aaron Paul’s first post Breaking bad role? Big time. But who cares? If you’re going to see this movie, you know exactly what you’re gonna get. A tiny , intense man driving expensive and rare cars very fast. Now, depending where you land on the spectrum of people who are easily entertained, this MAY be your shit.

Pompeii

Now, I’m not history buff but, um…this is based on a true story, right? Kinda sorta?
If memory serves me, from 5th grade history class, Pompeii was a city that was buried under lava when a huge Volcano shat all over them. I could be wrong about that but I’m not trying to wiki that shit right now.
While that could make for a cool movie if done realistically, this one looks as if it’s taking the disaster movie template and shaking it up. No, this isn’t just 2 hours of dudes in loin cloths waiting for their inevitable demise. Nope, these bro’s are gonna fight the volcano! Or at least out smart it. It’s kinda like “The Day after tomorrow” where the people literally run away from freezing coldness and survived by simply running up a high enough hill so the water from the tidal wave didn’t reach them.
Your boy Jon Snow from “Game of Thrones” gotta branch out too. I know these period pieces are his hot zone right now but, my dude…do a rom-com or something. You can’t be the doe eyed reluctant hero forever.
I’d like to say this movie is a waste of time cause you know how it ends. But, there’s a part of me that thinks this won’t end how I think. Ideally, the entire cast gets melt down or frozen in ash but I have a sneaking suspicion that a few people make it out. hell, two of them in particular might find that love triumphs over all. Especially an unstoppable force of nature that would kill everything.

Tyler perry’s The Single Moms Club

Weird timing on a sequel to “Dallas buyers club” but okay…
I’ve never seen a tyler perry movie. Is that racist? Nah, it’s common sense.
Now , this film…wow. First off, shout out to Mr. Perry for casting himself as a desirable straight male. That’s some ballsy casting. In that short scene where he’s flirting with the lovely Nia long, you can see the chemistry. Very brotherly.
The casting in these kinds of movies is always interesting to me. They get people we mostly recognize but who also are pretty happy to be getting a job in a movie that people might actually see. I’m glad to see the girl from Reno 911 getting work and Amy Smart never bothered me. I can’t help but think the both got this script and thought long and hard about it. Like “Shit…this is absolute garbage but I do need money…my kids grade school doesn’t pay for itself”. And Terry crews actually is pretty successful. Scratching my head why he’s in it. surely, Lean was available. Or Morris Chestnut.
As a film itself, this is clearly not for the fellas. But, ladies? This is the film equivalent of Brunch with four girls you went to college with but haven’t seen in years. Seems like a good idea but you will leave knowing you’re never going through that pointless bullshit again. Unless, of course, you’re a total cornball. Oh wait, I forgot the target audience. Single moms! Here’s an inside scoop, if the target audience’s title is in the name of the movie, there’s a good chance that movie is pandering. Just saying.

Basically, If “How stella got her groove back” is your shit, you’ll leave this thinking “That was okay”. And, after all, isn’t that how art is supposed to make us feel?

The Silver Surfer

(Note: It has been bought to my attention that this is, in fact, a fake preview for a movie that does not exist. Well, for starters, THANK GOD. But, beyond that, it’s still a “preview” and I’m reviewing previews so calm the fuck down everyone. No, i never read the fine print.)
wait wait wait…before I address the movie, can we talk about the voice over? Holy shit. That can’t be serious. Your man needs to put down that glass of hot milk and blow his nose like no man before him ever has. How on earth did they pick that voice to be one that guides you through this preview. Galactus?!??! HAHAHAHAHA…get the fuck outta here. He sounds like a nerdy Dungeon master (is the redundant?) trainee working his way up through the ranks.
Oh, so this movie.
How many more Superhero’s we got left? We almost done? Luckily “Entourage” probably buried Aquaman so that’s one less. Surely no one really gives a shit about the Silver Surfer, right? Dude looks like Powder. The special effects harken back to the Terminator 2 era which begs the question, is this film half animated? Like on some “Who framed Roger Rabbit?” shit? It kinda looks like it. Pretty sure I’ve seen better visuals being projected on the walls at electronic jam band festivals.
if you really think about a superhero who surfs, it’s kinda funny. I’d imagine Marvel came up with this idea back in the early 60’s, when the Beach Boys were all the rage. It would be like having a super hero now whose super power is texting really well. Actually, that’s a movie I’d watch. Some superhero from another dimension who’s skills with smart phones make him extraordinary. Maybe he could be silver too? Or fuck that…Platinum, son. Look out for “The Platinum texter”, coming soon.

Preview Reviews of movies I’ve never seen vol. 5

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Who has time to to see movies nowadays? I see them here and there but it’s hard to keep up. And paying 14 bucks to see a movie is really crazy. I’m not even a cheapskate…that shit is totally ridiculous though. Thank satan for cable and netflix though.
Anyway, this is a column where I cut out the middleman. Listen, you know when you’re watching a preview and , when it ends , you’re like “Eh, I’m good…”. Why see the movie when the preview basically just showed you everything you’d need to see? So, this is me, reviewing movies based entirely on their previews. Full of assumptions and generalizations, Just the way I like it. That said, I’d be shocked if I was wrong about a single thing.

I, Frankenstein

Hollywood executive #1: Hey, I got an idea.You know how all comic books and monster classics have been reworked for a more gritty look? You know, like Batman or whatever. Well, don’t you think it’s time we give that treatment to Frankenstein?

Hollywood executive #2: I can’t believe no ones thought of this yet. Brilliant. So, we’d just retell the story in modern times?

Exec. #1: Well, kinda…modern times but instead of telling a story that remotely resembles of the original, we should just make him a good guy with super powers who saves the world.

Exec. #2: Ahhh….interesting. So he’s like a super hero but he’s also a frankenstein? A…good monster?

Exec. #1: Exactly! And who will play him? I got the perfect guy. Aar…

Exec. #2 (interrupting): Aaron Eckhart, obviously.

Exec. #1: Jinx!! Clearly. No other actor in his mid forties has that box office pull when it comes to action films quite like good old Eckhart. After all, he was Harvey Dent. And everyone knows, the only reason anyone went and saw that movie is cause of Harvey Dent.

Exec. #2: Clearly.
Wait, one thing though…can the entire thing be shot in a dark underworld? You know, the kind that every movie like this ever made has been shot in?

Exec. #1: uh…yeah dude. We’ll light the entire movie with flashlights and candles. It’s gonna be gothic as fuck.

Exec. #2: Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna start writing it tonight with my 6 year old son. It should be done by tomorrow morning.

Exec. #1: Sounds great. I’m gonna go murder a prostitute with my bare hands for sport and then get a latte. Let’s talk tomorrow.

Hercules: The legend begins

First and foremost, I’m pretty sure Hercules was a massive strong man. And didn’t look like a guy who dances with Lady Gaga. This guy is obviously jacked but shouldn’t he be Dwayne Johnson Level huge? He’s fucking Hercules. This guy looks like he does cross fit. Hercules should be closer to one of those kinda fat looking strong men who flips tires and pulls trucks by his teeth.
Secondly, between the movie 300 and Game of thrones, it seems like everyone is clamoring to make the next medieval banger that involves swords and sorcery. From movies to TV shows, everyone is wearing chainmail and fighting in skirts. The problem , in this particular case, is that it looks like it was made on a macbook and it stars the ensemble of an obscure gay porno.
More than anything, much like Godzilla movies, Hollywood has to just accept that a Hercules Movie is never going to happen. How many versions of this need to be made? It peaked out as “Clash of the titans” and that’s not saying much (have you watched that lately? jesus christ).
Oh and anytime the phrase “The legend begins” is in a movie title, rest assured, the legend has seen it’s last film. That’s like naming your kid some shit like “Champ” and assuming he’s going to be a pro-athlete. It doesn’t work like that. Sorry.

Vampire academy

The theme this week is rehashing things that have been run into the ground via retooling the with a slightly different twist. In this case, we got Vampires. Much like Zombie movies/tv shows, this is territory so well worn there’s literally nowhere to go with it…or is there!?!?!?
Wait, you’re telling me there’s a school for a vampires? Get the fuck outta here. And they’re not inherently bad? No one’s ever taken that angle before except those other 50 movies that did in the last 2 years.
I’m not a 15 year old girl so I’ll never really be able to grasp the obsession with why vampire movies about teenagers work so well. I mean, as horrible as those Twilight movies are, I get it. The same way I get why , once a year, Channing Tatum will make movie where he’s a farm hand who ends up falling in love with a girl who owns horses and lives in a castle. It’s not for me, but I get it’s purpose. Is it simply that teens seeing other teens on a big screen makes them relatable? Who knows.
But these kinda vampire action/comedies , presumably made for tween girls…I don’t get it. But maybe that’s the point. Movies like this are like dog whistles for old people like me.
That said, I plan on watching about 5 minutes of this before disgustedly changing the channel when it shows up on cable.

Lone survivor

Spoiler alert: It’s called Lone Survivor. I’m gonna venture a guess that everyone accept that one guy dies. Handsome guy from “Friday night lights”? probably dead. Marky MArk? Maybe dead. Emile Hirsch? Goddamnit…he better die.
Truth be told, any movie where I get to see Emile Hirsch meet his maker can’t be that bad. But, I swear, if he’s the lone survivor…fuck this movie.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 4

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I love movies. I try and go often. But , sometimes (IE most of the time) , hollywood puts out movies that I don’t need to see. In fact, I can pretty much just watch the previews and get the gist of the entire movie. So, as a time saver, I’m reviewing movies I would never watch in a million years based entirely on their trailers. So simple.

The Mortal Instruments: City of bones

Listen, I’m way to old to care about this. I could not be less in the demographic for this movie. So, there is no use in even bothering with a critique. The reality is that this will probably a huge hit with tweens, resulting in many awkward teen fingering sessions in the back of dark movie theaters. That’s the best possible case I can make for this movie. That and the Porn spoof spin off possibilities are endless. Things like:
The hormonal instruments: City of bonerz
Or
The More-hole instruments: Titties and foam
And that’s just off the cuff at this moment. Gimmie 10 minutes to really think about it and I’ll win an AVN award just off the title.
Anyway, the only thing I can pick out of the trailer that’s odd is that the leading man looks both old as fuck and like a young hitler youth. I like when these tween movies try and cast weird looking dudes as the hunky male lead cause it really puts the fickle taste of young women to the test. Just know that this dude will be wearing hair plugs by the time he’s 24 and , after that, will be type cast as a Nazi for the rest of his life.
But also know that he will be turning down sexual advances from girls with braces for the next 10 years of his life. Fame is a bitch, huh, bro?

Battle of the year

Man, it’s been a while since a good dance movie. Like…a long time. Like, it’s never happened. But, perhaps mixing a dance movie with a Coach Carter type character is the answer. Nah, just kidding. It’s gonna suck twice as much. Also, casting Chris Brown in anything seems like a kiss of death. But, hell, what do i know? I’m sure there are plenty of young ladies out there willing to turn the blind eye to his horrible actions cause, you know, he dances good and shit.
I gotta say though, I’m fascinated by this world that all dance movies create where street dance is everything and people take is super seriously. Where people literally die for the right to do windmills. Also, a world where dancers are tough guys/outsiders. That’s the best. It’s funny cause I’d venture to say “Glee” is the best and most accurate depiction of Dat dance lyfe.
I’d also like to add that any time a movie features a black dude with dyed blonde hair ALA Sisqo, two things are a sure bet:
1)It takes place in the future.
2)it’s REALLY bad.

One Direction: This is Us

I literally have never heard a One Direction song in my life. As it should be. I’m a grown man in my mid 30’s. That said, I’m not particularly bothered by them. They’re boys. in a band. They’re a boy band. Pretty harmless. This movie is pretty much porn for 14 year old girls. That’s fine. I’m sure it’s wholesome. My stance on this is actually coming from a different place. There’s been a thing over the last few years where they make these documentary movies about musicians. Taylor swift, Beiber and Katy Perry have all had them done. I get why they exist and, truth be told, i actually watched the Katy Perry one a few weeks ago(My brief review of that: SERIOUS LACK OF TITS). Something , outside of the obvious, doesn’t sit right with me about the movies. They’re clearly just promotional material made to make the artist look both glamorous and human at the same time but, man, how good would they be if they showed the real people? Like what an insecure cunt Taylor Swift really is or how much pussy these One Direction dudes actually wrangle on a day to to day basis.
Bieber has already proven himself to be a truly boundless little asshole…I wanna see that! In a movie! Hopefully someone is filming Miley Cyrus right now cause her downward spiral would be amazing to watch.

I’m in love with a church girl

Hey you dropped your thug in my bible!
oh, you dropped you bible in my thug!
Put them both together and what do you get? An awesome new movie starring a former vaguely successful pop star who was in love with Rob Kardashian with a washed up fake thug rapper from hip hops worst era ever who used to do videos where he dressed up like he was in Grease.
This is a script Tyler Perry probably glanced over and thought “Nah, too corny…” Which is like Will.I.AM watching a gay porn and thinking “Eh, not gay enough…”.
From what I gather from the preview, Ja Rule’s hesitance to accept the lord has less with him being a street thug (who doesn’t love these hoes and/or his holiness) and more with him being insecure that the lord might accept him for who he is. What a pickle!
I think the best I could hope for with this movie would be a possible duet between Ja rule and Adrienne bailon where they cover “What’s love?” in front of a room full of both Church folk and dead in the heart murderers. Perhaps this duet might even lead to these two total opposite factions of people to understanding each other, if not just a little bit. Then, shortly after the song ends, a plane hits the church leaving no survivors but teaching a crucial lesson that God works in mysterious ways. *shrug* Maybe that can be how the sequel ends.

Preview reviews of movies I’ve never seen Vol. 3

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I see a decent amount of movies. Because of this, I’m subjected to tons of previews of movies that look like complete shit. The other day, I saw “The act of killing” which is pretty much the heaviest movie I’ve ever seen. Straight up, as gut wrenching as it was fantastic. Tell me why they previews before that movie were three indie rom-coms? What the fuck is wrong with people.
But I digress, I’m a man of flash judgements that tend to be about 85% accurate. Because of this, I like to simply skip seeing the shitty movie and judging it entirely based on its trailer. That’s what this is…so, move over Leonard Maltin, I’m coming for your crown.

2 Guns

You know, Hollywood gets a lot of shit for pushing out shit loaf after shit loaf of the same old cookie cutter movie. Each genre has their version. The Rom-com, the Gross out comedy with the heart of gold, the horror movie with some scary child. Then along comes a movie like “2 Guns” to completely change the game. I mean, i can’t recall a time where a movie seemingly went so outside the box. This is a foreign film right ? Clearly, they just over dubbed it really well in the previews cause there is no way an american would have the balls to make such an original , genre blending masterpiece like this. Just kidding, clearly, this movie is what happens when you get two really famous people signed on to an idea before the script is even written. I feel like there are literally piles of scripts like this to the ceiling in every film producers office that are interchangeable. Probably titled shit like “action movie 48”. All they’re lacking is someone like Mark Wahlberg to be like “hmm…I wouldn’t mind owning an island somewhere…I’ll do it!”.
also, over/under on there being multiple slow motion action scenes in this movie? HIGH ODDS. Double or nothing there is a slow motion walk away from an explosion. I’d bet my first born on that one.

Reds 2

The fact this preview doesn’t start with the sentence “Not since ‘Cacoon’ have so many elderly people saved the world…” is a travesty.
Take about a niche market. Action movies for old people. The equivalent genre in porn would be something like “Granny cosplay”.
As the son of someone who is technically elderly and someone who has been around old people a fair amount in my life (I had an old dad who had old friends) this movie getting a sequel boggles my mind. I didn’t see the first one…but who did? Apparently, enough people to make a second one. I feel like that happened on a different planet or something. At the very least, , I’d figure they’d all be turned off by the loud explosions. Old people hate sudden loud sounds. It’s pretty much the bane of their existence. But, more importantly, old people don’t fuck with action movies. Every old person I’ve ever met likes period pieces or boring documentaries about the invention of the cotton gin.

I wonder if old dudes who watch this email each other about it and send still of Helen Mirren looking all sexy and shit. That would make as much sense to me as this movie being made in the first place.
Just to be clear, I’m not opposed to the idea of this movie having an audience. I just don’t understand how it does.

Gravity

Remember that movie where Ryan Reynolds got buried alive? I think it was called “Buried alive”. Anyway, I didn’t see that shit. Not cause it looked bad (it was a dude sweating in a box for two hours, it certainly didn’t look good) but more cause that is my fucking nightmare. There is no pay off that would make me watching claustrophobia unfold worth it. This movie is like that but the opposite. The set up scene looks pretty cool but, after that, what the fuck are you watching? A bitch floating around in space for 2 hours. Sure, I got questions. I’m mildly curious to see how they handle that in a movie. Hell, I’ll probably even check in on it when it’s playing on cable in 6 months. But still, what could possibly happen? I’ll tell you. She floats around having a panic attack for over an hour then, miraculously gets saved by george clooney who then makes out with her once she is safe. THE END. I could be wrong about that but her getting hit by an astroid or running out of air and dying only to see her corpse float off into a black hole, while more realistic, wouldn’t exactly make for a great movie.

I’m in love with a church girl

The streets have been talking and Ja-rule was listening. They (the streets) said “Yo, Rule, when you gonna reprise one of your roles from those videos you used to do with Ashanti, but in the form of a feature length film?”. Did Little X direct this? Ja rule playing a fake thug is kinda like if Ryan Gosling plays a guy who gets a lot of pussy. It just sorta makes sense.
Also , this is one of those “Based on a true story” ass movies. Oh, I’m sure it is! Remember that one thug who met that one church girl and turned his life around? Yeah…that one. REAL TALK.
Also, STARRING STEPHEN BALDWIN
Tyler perry probably saw this script and was like “eh…I’m good. I’mma go make a movie about someone molesting a grandma instead…”

Preview reviews of movies I’ll never see

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I’m a fan of movies. I’ve seen many of them over the years. I’m just like you!
But, I’m also an asshole who is prone to sweeping generalizations and flash opinions on things I know very little about. The thing is, I’ve found my gut reaction to many things (movies, music, humans) to typically be pretty on point. So, I figured it might be fun to review some movies I’ve never seen and never plan to see based entirely on their previews. I feel like this is something that has been done before but I can’t quite put my finger on where. Regardless, I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel. Maybe i’m just “sampling” that original idea. Yeah…that works…

After earth


Besides my completely baseless deep disdain for Jaden Pinkett Smith, the first thing that pops out at me in this trailer is Will Smiths Accent. Not only does it change throughout the few previews I’ve seen but it goes from being a normal US accent to sounding like morgan freeman in south africa. Is that how we will all talk in the far off future? Also, will we all dress like that too? Movies have been trying to get us to believe that all fashion will be lycra tights based forever now and I just don’t see it. We gonna run out of cows on whatever new planet we end up on? Surely we’d take the cows with us. Hamburgers are far too important to society.
Also, if I’m not mistaken, this is the second movie where will smith and his son have played father and son. The first was that one about them being homeless or whatever. I dunno. I didn’t see that piece of shit either. I saw a clip on cable once and they were both crying in a bus station bathroom so I switched the channel. But, regardless, I’m trying to figure out if he makes these movies as a platform for his kid to become famous or if he’s just kinda using these movies as therapy to help him wade through a distant and murky relationship with a child he probably thinks is a dipshit. Tough call. It should also be noted that this is yet another movie where Will Smith plays a dude isolated in a barren wasteland fighting off its violent inhabitants (“I am Legend” being the other). We get it, guy , you’re a bad ass. But you also wear way too much lip balm so slow your roll.
Anyway, this movie looks like like jumanji in space if space was earth. Fuck all that noise.

Fast and Furious 6

This is the #1 movie in the USA right now. I’ve never seen an entire Fast and Furious movie. I’ve seen parts and it did nothing for me. I don’t wanna come off as one of those people who scoffs at mindless action movies…cause I’m not. “Judge dredd” was easily one of my favorite movies from last year. The thing is, I don’t give a shit about car chases. I don’t give a fuck about car tricks and cool driving. Car culture, in general, bores the shit out of me. It’s just not my bag. If I’m watching an action movie, I’m looking for violence and creative killings. That’s it. I can take only so many shots of a car flipping in slow motion before I check out. I’d set the bar higher but these kinda movies are churned out with scripts so bad they might as well have been written by a 3rd grader who’s only experience with cars is slamming his hot wheels together. I get that that is the point and the films aren’t there to be evaluated on the same level as ,say, an actual good movie. That fine. All i ask of a movie like that is to be self aware. Accept that you’re a piece of shit and throw me a wink every now and then. Does fast and the furious do that? I have no clue. If they do, I apologize and take everything I just wrote back. From the previews, it looks like everyone is pretty fucking serious and “cool”. I take issue with Vin Diesel acting all cool and shit when he looks like a tired turtle. On the other hand, The Rock is pretty much the greatest action star ever so I suppose there is hope.

White house down
Olympus has fallen



There was a while ago (let’s call it “The 80’s”) when like 4 different movies came out at once all about kids switching bodies with adults and the hijinks that ensued. That was the first time I noticed that trend in hollywood where , out of nowhere, various different studios will apparently get the same script and say “fuck it!” and all make a movie about the same thing. So, this month, two movies about a direct attack on the white house came out. Both look equally dumb so really, if you’re trying to choose between the two, it’s a choice between Channing Tatum and Gerard Butler. So, basically, younger women will see “white house down” and older women will see “Olympus has fallen”. I’m assuming that’s who are horny for Gerard Butler but i could be mistaken.
For men, I’d imagine you’re either all in or you don’t care. I mean, seriously, you either love this kind of crap or it’s white noise.
The thing about movies like this is that you know how they’re gonna end before they begin. The president lives and the rough and tumble underdog guy saves the day. So, the excitement is the road it takes to get there. It’s not like on some “Zero Dark 30” shit (Which i also haven’t seen yet) where the story of how it went down is probably highly compelling (and somewhat based in reality). This looks like Die hard in the white house. In fact, I’m fairly certain that’s what the cover sheet of the script said. But, I’m afraid there is only one Die hard. Oh wait, there are like 6 of them…but still, they’ve all been made already.
Also, in the case of , “white house down” , if your preview BRAGS of a movie being made by the same person who made “Independence day” , “2012” and “The day after tomorrow” you truly grasping for straws. That’s like having “Multiple time Acquitted date rapist with only minor STD’s!” in your OK cupid profile.

Now you see me

Hey, you know what’s REALLY cool? Magic. Even cooler? Magicians. Even cooler than that? Jesse Eisenberg playing a cool guy. This movie just keeps getting better and better. Next thing you know they’re gonna throw in a mime and some jugglers with a license to kill. I bet David Blaine watches this preview with tears in his eyes.
Making a movie about cool illusionists is like making a movie about Magic the gathering dudes who get tons of pussy. I suppose the suspension of belief is what movies are all about though so that’s something to consider.
Side note, I was in a restaurant the other day and Jesse Eisenberg came in. Yo, he’s HUGE. Like 6’4” and crazy broad. Just kidding. He’s a tiny hunch back who wears wool hats in hot weather and sunglasses indoors.