The “church” of “meh”

Being one of the last people alive with an active email account has its privileges. Aside from giving a good chuckle to anyone I tell my email address to, I also get to see the daily headlines through the eyes of the people at Yahoo. These range from gossip about justin Beiber, to actual political news with a slightly right wing slant to things like this that popped up in my feed yesterday:
Now, if you’re a longtime reader, you might be aware that I’m not a religious man. In fact, I’m as far from one as can be. I’m not even one that buys into spirituality on most levels. I don’t have some grand theory that explains why we exist or the meaning of life, I more just live knowing that shit happens and we eventually die, but we should be civil to one another while we’re here. The term “atheist” is one I’ve used to describe myself in the past. Simply based on that I don’t believe in any gods. It’s not deeper than that. But I feel as though “Agnostic” might fit me better as I fully concede I have no idea how or why we are here (even though I’m skeptical there is a real “reason”, in general). Still, I’m always gonna lean on scientific facts over those that were written by people thousands of years ago. People, I might add, who didn’t really know shit about anything. It’s not their fault as those were the times they lived in but I’m pretty sure you gave one of them a rubik’s cube and their heads would explode marveling over the sheer engineering prowess of it.
But I digress…Atheist churches…Why?
To me , the most important part of not believing in a god is that it’s been decided. You acknowledge this about yourself and move on. It’s a non-issue. The only time it comes up is when I’m watching TV and some religious lunatic is talking nonsense and I roll my eyes. The idea of organizing a religion based on not being religious kinda defeats the purpose, no? In fact, it’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of. Why on earth would you even bring that into your life? Is it to show up the religious folk? Is it the church of irony? That sounds like some Williamsburg shit where a bunch of hipsters all dress in white on a sunday and drink beers while reading science text books to each other. The whole idea of not being a part of organized religion is half the belief that you don’t believe and , for me at least, half not having to do all that made up traditional bullshit that being an active part of a religion entails.

Listen, I get it on some level. The idea of banding together to push the agenda makes sense. We want to live in a world where nothing we do, as non-believers, is dictated by religious values. I too watch TV and get frustrated when I see politicians acting as if the bible should be considered when deciding public policies. Yes, it’s insane and has no place there. So, creating an atheism force does make sense on some level. After all, they are the minority and should have just as loud a voice as the religious folks. But how about we do that without just making atheism into it’s own religion?

Personally, I feel indifference is my “church”. or “meh”, as I like to call it. Not to life in general (though, every girl I’ve ever dated might argue that point) but to any sort of belief system. I simply don’t give a shit. You wanna believe what you believe? Go for it. I’m not here to stop you. What you think has no bearing on what I think. We can still be friends. I don’t hate people who believe in a higher power. It’s really only an issue when those people start pushing their agenda on me and everyone else around them. Then it’s an issue. So, by this logic, the second atheists start crusading against those who think differently than them, they become no better than the people they’re rallying against. To not believe should also mean to simply not care. I don’t know about you but , when I truly don’t care about something, I don’t spend a lot of time complaining about it or even thinking about it. Cause , like I said, I don’t care. At most, I’ll make a dumb twitter joke about it and call it a day. I don’t like watching college football but what kind of bored asshole would I be if i dedicated my life to spreading the “Stop watching college football!” gospel to people all over the country? Instead, I just pretend it doesn’t exist and keep it moving. It comes on TV, i change the channel. It’s not that difficult.
At the “Church” of “meh”, there is no agenda. The “church” of “meh” is basically just a state of mind. It’s not as defeatist as it sounds. It’s more just an attitude towards organized religion. It’s motto would be something like “You do you, I’mma do me”. I’m not trying to start a church to fight the idea of churches. I’m not trying to congregate with other like minded people to talk about how little we all believe in god. Fuck all that noise. If you need other people to agree with you to feel good about your beliefs you might as well join a religion anyway. There is nothing to be gained by discussing absolutes. Being a non-believer is more like a switch in your brain. I remember when my switch flicked. I was 18 and in college. I had never given religion a deep thought but, at the same time, never questioned it either. I think I was sitting in my dorm room writing a paper and then a thought just passed in my mind “Wait a minute…there’s a god in the sky that controls everything? That doesn’t sound right…” and that was that. More thought was given and ideas snowballed from there but that initial thought was all it took to shut it down for me. THAT was it. The “church” of “meh” was born.
Once that was solidified, I was good. There was no need to expand on it or go to a ironic church-like gahtering to shake hands with people who agreed with me and hear “sermons” on non-belief while we smugly blow each other.
So, yeah, if you’re really bout that atheist life, don’t go in on this bullshit. Just think what you think and carry on living cause anyone who really feels that way should only need that peace of mind and nothing else. Perhaps, you just need a hug?

Things that are wrong with the world pt. 17

It’s no secret that I take major issue with any extreme religious lunacy. In most cases i feel like “Hey, I don’t believe in that shit but do you. Whatever gets you through the day”. However, occasionally , something like this video will pop up on the internet and just make my blood boil. I think the most troublesome thing about it is that it’s kids doing it. Sure, watching a fully formed adult believe and preach such bullshit is depressing but there’s something about watching kids follow along that really bums me out. I mean, when I was these kids age I thought Mad Magazine was the pinnacle of humor and that Christina Applegate was the most beautiful woman on earth. In other words, I didn’t know shit. If there is ever a time in your life that your vulnerable to this kind of thing, it’s age 8-13. Cause really, you know nothing about anything. But , i suppose, without kids like these, the adult counterparts wouldn’t exist. I feel like with most people, when you’re dealing with extremely religious folk (creationists and the like who just ignore science and the world going on around them) , they tend to start young. Unless it’s some born again crap where a person partied a little too hard and feels like swapping his addiction to whiskey for his undying belief in his lord and savior , but that’s neither here nor there.

On the other side of this video is the curiosity behind them picking “My humps” to be a good song to cover and give that good old jesusy spin to. I mean, let’s be honest, that song is about fergie’s ass and tits. These kids obviously know all the words. Enough so , they were able to “Weird al christovic” the lyrics into what you see above. What i’m saying is that someone in that household is not doing their job. These kids should be doing Creed covers or at least taking songs not about some former meth head whore’s ass. I’m just saying.

Truthfully, the most awesome part of this whole thing is the little girls hard dances around the 1:30 mark. It’s so so close to being that reggae dance the bogle but not quite. Perhaps the next song they cover should be a Sean Paul. “gimmie the light” has jesus written all over.

God talk!

I am not a religious person. While I wasn’t raised with it, it was somewhat around. I remember one year, my dad (who was a jew) decided we should try passover. I was about 15 at the time and had no clue what he was talking about and my WASP mom just kinda went along with it to appease him. In the end , it was a harmless excuse for the family to have a big meal together but the significance was lost on me.
At that point, I hadn’t given religion much thought. In fact, I had given it so little thought I didn’t even question it. Was the a god? Sure. Why not? That’s what people tell me. Why would they be lying?
At some point around the age of 17/18 , for the first time in my life, I gave the concept of “God” a thought. I’d say about 3 seconds into that thought pattern I realized I no longer believe in God. Logic took over and has pretty much been running things in my head ever since. As I got older, this basic indifference towards religion slowly turned into disdain. Not really towards people who practice religions with a head on their shoulders (you know, the types who go to church but also understand there was no talking snake and an apple or noah’s arc) , But towards the hyperbolized retard version of religion (ALL religions. I’m even looking at you , orthodox jews). The unfortunate part is that these bastardized versions of religion tend to be the most vocal. At least, the most noticeable.
At this point, I’m so far from religion I feel that even something as vague and mystic as “spirituality” is bullshit (sorry Common!). Much like religion, I see it has it’s purposes but I also feel it just as invented and in your head. As much as I find the majority of spirituality to be painfully corny and some hippie bullshit, a least spirituality is peaceful. I’ll give them that.
So, I was thinking about writing this whole blog about religion and my utter dispassion for it (something I’ve eluded to on here many many times) but it occurred to me that everything I could possibly say about it has been said a millions already but people much funnier and smarter than I am. So, I looked through Youtube and found clips of some of my favorite stand up comedians saying exactly what I think, only better…
If you got some downtime , check these out. Laugh at the lord.

The dangers of watching “The View”

Due to some buffalo wings I ate the night before, I woke unusually early the other day (for me, that’s 10 am…maaaaaad early). I gave up on trying to go back to sleep and decided to watch some TV. I’m flipping through channels and I come across “The View”. I’ve never watched “The View” , partly cause it’s on too early but also cause , well, why would i watch “The View”? I am neither menopausal or the owners of a small cat village in my apartment, so i don’t really fit their demographic. However, on that day, curiosity got the best of me, so I checked it out. I turn it on and the topic is the new study showing that gayness is indeed something you’re born with. The study showed that gay men and straight women have the same kind of brains while gay women and straight men also have the same kind of brains. I’m being vague about the whole “same kind of brains” thing but i wasn’t taking notes, so sue me. The bottom line is, it was scientifically proven. This is something i’ve kinda assumed forever. I mean, anyone who’s seen a gay kid knows that motherfucker isn’t making a choice. He doesn’t even like boys or girls yet but he’s definitely gay Anyone who denies this, I suggest you watch the new VH1 show about TLC’s Chilli finding love. There’s a scene with her and her 10 year old son who is so obviously gay, he might as well be one of the dudes from that “Men on film” skit back in the day on “In Living Color”.
Anyway, the ladies of “The View” are chatting about it. There are five of them. One of them is Whoopi. She’s kind of the voice of reason but more towards the center. While she believes in god, she also isn’t a fanatical about it. Next to her is Joy Behar who is a loud mouth jewish comedian. She’s the super left wing voice on the panel. I got the feeling she was shitting on religion altogether so she’s kinda my bitch out of all of them. Next to her is Sherri Shepard. She’s questionably mentally retarded and i think it’s a nice gesture to put people like her on TV. During the discussion , when asked if she thinks people are born gay , Sherpard responded “It’s something i struggle with every day. I ask god about it all the time”. This had me punching my pillow and screaming ” Oh, come on!” into it. Religious people like this are the stupidest human beings on the planet. You struggle with it? like literally having an internal debate? fucking idiot. And does god ever answer you? Maybe with a lightning bolt? arggghhh! that shit drives me insane. Next to her was that blonde girl from survivor who married jeff hassleback. She too is a very religious woman. When answering the same question as Sherri Shepard, she danced her way around it and admitted she believed it was from birth, but without actually saying “yes, i agree”. One thing she said was “i always love a good scientific study”. Thanks for the heads up, chief. That’s nice. can we get one of those now to prove there is no heaven and hell and that “gods word” is total bullshit? At one point, Shepard referred to the bible saying “no man shall lay with another man” as a reason to why she struggles with it. Then whoopi busted out all the other things that the bible “forbids” including sex (of any kind) and cursing your parents (which was said to be punishable by death). I think not eating shell fish is in there too. Good one god! Let those shrimp live, bro.
When are these simple motherfuckers gonna realize that the bible is not a rule book. If anything, it’s a guidebook…and it was written thousands of years ago by people who didn’t know shit about anything. They didn’t have refrigerators back then! They didn’t have even decent medicine! It’s not their fault. But following their lead is kinda like asking a 2 year old to run the country. THEY DIDN’T KNOW SHIT.
I mean, I’m obviously anti all of that shit. I get as much spiritual guidance from “the flavor of love” as I get from the bible. But if you’re the type of person that needs to read a book to give you guidance and answer life questions you cannot possibly answer, then go nuts. I’m not gonna fault anyone for that. By all means, read the bible. it’s basically the first self help book. But if you’re gonna do that, don’t forget, there are OTHER books that could do that for you. I hear “Chicken soup for the soul” is a real banger. However, if you, for one second believe that bible shit is FACT or any of that bullshit actually happened, kill yourself. Please, do all the rational people in the world a favor and kill yourself. Believing in a higher power is one thing. While i personally don’t believe in anything , I’m not gonna knock people who believe there is SOMETHING else out there. Not a god with a big white beard who judges all man from atop a shiny cloud in the sky but something. Taking the bible literally has pretty much been the downfall of this entire country. It’s a good thing we replaced the born again christian president cause things were getting a little hairy there on the “separation of church and state” front.

All this is why I cannot watch “The View”. Listening to these old bags squabble over shit like this is enough to make me lose sleep in the first place, let alone actually be sleepy and hear that shit with a hazy mind.

Oh, and I almost forgot, Barbara Walters was there too. When asked what she thought she flipped her skirt up and shot ping pong balls out of her pussy. Class act, that one.


So, I’ve been watching that show, ‘Big Love’, on HBO for a while now.. It’s about a polygamist family in Utah dealing with other Mormans doing some mormanly shit. Up until I saw that show, I never really thought of polygamy before. To tell the truth, I kinda assumed it was the type of thing that only happened in other countries where women were ranked slightly above donkeys on the respect totem poll. Apparently, I was wrong cause outlaw Mormons are all about it.

I think for men, polygamy falls into the “in theory, it’s a great idea” category but if you really think about it, what a fucking hellish life that would be. First off, I like sex a lot but I think after a week of that shit, I’d chop my dick off. I’ve been in situations where I’ve been hooking up with a few girls at the same time period (granted the relationships were no where near married status, that’s for sure) and that shit is stressful, ON TOP of just straight up tiring. Then take that to the level of a longterm relationship and you got a whole new realm of “fuck that!”.

Have you spoken to anyone who’s been in a 3 plus year relationship lately? Well, word on the street is the sex ain’t exactly the jump off. Try that with three different people at the same time and that’s just the sex! I’m gonna assume the sex isn’t even that big of a deal to these couples (err…double couples? Tripods?). Having a girlfriend/boyfriend is hard work. There are obviously a lot of great things about it too, but having three wives…man…I can’t even fathom the horror. Think of all the wack shit about relationships and multiply it by three.

You know when you’re signifigant other is just blabbing on about some bullshit you couldn’t care less about? Times it by three…

You know when you’re signifigant other is just in a shitty mood and you have to deal with it because you are the only person around that that person feels comfortable enough with to be a total piece of shit to? Yup..x3…

You know when your phone seems like its on fire cause that person is calling you so much? Yeah…throw in some kids and bills and you have me eating a bottle of painkillers and slitting my wrists while jumping off a cliff.

Relationships are complicated enough without having to designate nights to different wives and figuring out where everyone is gonna sleep. especially when you have 7-10 kids running around. (Those Mormons may wait till marriage to bone but once that ring is on the finger, there is some serious missionary position popping off.)

An interesting thing about it to me is that the women manage to curb the jealousy because the religion tells them it’s ok. I didn’t realize jealousy was something you could control that easily. If that’s the case, there’s a few people I know who would probably better themselves and be much happier people if they just became Mormons. But honestly, much like most things related to religion, I’m not buying that. I refuse to believe these women don’t harbor animosity towards the other women who are also married to their husband, jealousy is as natural a human feeling as being happy or sad. I know they’re supposed to be on some sisterly shit but gimmie a break.

Look at it this way; Have you ever met a couple who decides it would be a good idea to have a threesome? A boyfriend and girlfriend invite a third party in? I’d say 90% of the time that shit ends up completely fucking up the relationship because it brings up all the crazy issues that would otherwise not be there. Polygamy is that but to the tenth power cause sex is just one aspect of relationships. I can’t front though, it must work on some level cause it’s been a part of that religion for a long time. Either that or certain Mormons are completely lunatics.

Eh…it’s more likely the latter.

Also, where is the argument from the females for marrying multiple men? Are there no feminist Mormons? It’s always crazy to me how people who live in a civilized society blindly adhere to certain rules they are taught from their religions, regardless of who flagrantly wrong it is. There’s gotta be a point where you question what you’ve been told.

I wasn’t raised religious but I also wasn’t raised anti-religious. In fact, I didn’t question the existence of god till I was in my late teens. partially cause it never came up. Then, one day, I thought about it for about 5 seconds and thought; “Huh? The bible? God? Creation” And that was it. That flicker of thought was enough evidence for me to make my mind up. If I had been raised with a religion from a young age, I imagine I would have gone along with it for a while. However, eventually I’d have an epiphany that, perhaps, all this is completely made up bullshit. That said, there’s got to be a point in the life of a female polygamist mormons life where the thought, “This is god’s plan?” pops in to their head. You would think the percentage of defectors would be staggering. Then again, every Mormon person I’ve ever met has been so nice it kinda made me want to get them to do things like curse a lot and talk shit about people. I guess you can’t hate on people being nice…but still, it’s almost creepy how friendly those motherfuckers are.

On the bright side, ‘Big Love’ teaches us that polygamy is not for everyone…just for extra fucked up outcast mormons. It’s funny that within one of the most uptight and corny religions, you find polygamy, go figure…I bet their kids are the same ones who have crazy anal sex when they’re 16 so they can technically still be virgins for marriage. Oh wait, all crazy religions do that. Anyway, I think it’s a good show…kinda…I can’t even tell. when it comes down to it, all those HBO shows are the kinda same.