I hooked up with Riff Raff Vol. 4

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You know, I kinda thought we were done here. I assumed the moment had passed and the wonderment of Riff Raff had finally simmered down. Since we last checked, the enigmatic rapper has released his first real album, has probably been touring relentlessly and it’s most likely a wealthy man. All I know for sure is that his Vine is still pretty funny.
Anyway, I got an email from a young lady the other day telling me she had just slept with Riff Raff the prior night. It was my first unsolicited admission, as all the others were arranged through people I actually knew. I was a little suspect and asked her if there is any way she could prove this wasn’t fake. She understood and sent me a screen cap of their twitter DM’s and, well, good enough for me. And , after reading her synopsis of the night, I 100% believe her. If nothing else, Riff Raff has proven to be consistent.
So, here’s what she sent me:
Well I’d always wanted to meet him and when he followed me I figured it was my chance. He’s really odd but attractive in a way and so he ended up texting me and said “hey”. I said “what’s up?”. He asked where I was at and I said my house, and he didn’t reply after that. Well, me and my girl were drinking and I hadn’t texted him again in a couple days. I didn’t wanna come off as like a crazy fan and Annoy him, ya know? So, I texted him a topless picture. kinda forward ,I know. Not my proudest moment but tequila makes ya risky. So, he asked where I was at and if I also had a friend I was bringing and asked for our instagrams and then proceeded to give us his address. He was staying at the veer. It’s really nice and hard to find. Definitely expensive. Finally, we find the place and get in. I call him and hand the phone to the clerk ,who lets us up ,and we get to his room. I was pretty drunk but he was a very chill person. Seemed careful though. For instance, once me and my girl got in , I charged my phone but she asked if she could take a picture and he tripped out a little bit. He has to keep his stuff private , you know? He didn’t like her very much after that so she went to wait in the lobby with her friend and left me alone. It was all very quick and I sucked him up for a little and he used a condom. It didn’t last very long as far as I remember but he asked to cum on my face and I let him ,which I never do. lol. After I hopped in his shower real quick and he had somewhere to go maybe a club? And I left with my friend it wasn’t a very long visit he was very chill with me tho

So there you have it. I think the highlight for me is that he asked to see their instagrams. Smart man. Surely, a man who has had his share of unwanted surprises, when it comes to female guests. Also, the sexual description really cracked me up to. Just so direct. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sexual tryst described like “I sucked him him up for a little and he used a condom”.
Anyway, I asked this girl to answer some more questions and she was kind enough to oblige.
Here those are:

Have you hooked up with other famous people?

No actually this was the first time

How quickly did he get into it once your friends left? was it assumed that it was on?

Yeah definitely after our texts and right away.

What made you let him cum in your face (cause you mentioned you don’t usually do that)? Just for the experience ,going with the flow or something else?

The experience mainly I thought it was pretty hilarious plus my really drunken state made me say yeah easier

What was the drug situation like that night, for both of you?

None for me and honestly as far as I know he could have been sober.

Is this the kinda experience you will tell future boyfriends about?

If they are the chill type I think it would be a cool story but definitely depends on the person.

Did you find him to be respectful or business like in how he went about the whole thing?

Both. he was really chill but we were both there for one thing

Would you do it again?

Yeah if he’s down

Would you ever date a guy like riff raff seriously?

No I don’t think so I’d honestly have to get to know him better but he’s really odd and way older

Do you consider his persona to be real or put on for the public?

Real lol

RIFF

Asap Rocky: Back and forth

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A while back, ASAP Rocky and Danny Brown did a little sit down convo for Noisey.com where they basically just shot the shit and discussed topics such as fucking Kathy Griffin, groupies off twitter and smoking weed. It was amazing.
Here are two of the 5 parts but I suggest you watch them all.

Anyway, Noisey must have know they hit on something cause they basically gave ASAP Rocky an interview show. The result is Rocky talking to the likes of Snoop Lion, Riff Raff and Kathy Griffin. ASAP is a curious interviewer in the sense that he seems to not know much about anything but he’s also personable enough to keep the conversations rolling. It’s an interesting mix to say the least.
Cause I’m on the road and can’t be writing anything of value, today’s entry is simply these vids. Some entertaining shit right here. Enter the wormhole…
Let’s start with a truly bizarre and somewhat uncomfortable talk with Kathy Griffin

Snoop Lion (God I hate having to type that name out)

And how could we forget Riff Raff. These two seem like old friends.

There are some more out there if you really feel like digging deeper. Time well spent!

I hooked up with Riff Raff Part 3

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You know, I honestly didn’t think this would go this far. I thought interviewing people who had hooked up with the elusive Riff Raff was something that would pass. Well, it turns out, the man keeps himself quite busy and there are people out there who wanna talk about it. To be frank, I feel whatever has needed to be said about the man has been said and , the more of the these I do, the creepier they get but I’m also not going to ignore them.
So , to Recap what’s going on here, Riff Raff is an enigma. He’s a southern white rapper who’s taken the world by storm. You either love him, hate him or you’re simply fascinated that he exists. I’m part of that latter group. While I don’t think I could ever listen to an album by him, I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t an interesting fellow. A while back, a friend of mine put me in contact with two girls who had hooked up with him. As a means to get a deeper look into a person that is such a mystery to the media, I anonymously asked these two girls about their special times with Riff Raff. I never met the girls , in fact, I don’t even know their names. I only know they did what they did and were willing to talk about. Well, it’s happened again. This time via a different source (Thanks, mystery bro!). So, cause I don’t know if I plan to do more of these, I’m just gonna post both questionnaires at once. Thanks to the girls who took the time to answer and, as always, these are THEIR perspectives of what happened. I’m sure Riff might give a different perspective all together so take it all with a grain of salt. I’m in no way saying either of these ladies are full of shit (why would they be? This was completely anonymous) but it’s only fair to acknowledge there are two sides to every story.
Okay, with that out of the way, let’s get into these interviews…

How did you meet Riff Raff?
I met riff raff at my birthday party.

Were you attracted to him when you met him?
No way. I was trying to hook up with some one else.

Who was the aggressor , in terms of flirting and things escalating to a sexual level?

He actually initiated the flirting when me and my friend dropped him off his house.

Is Riff Raff Charming?

if charming means playing only his own music while sniffing coke then yes his charming .

Was any part of sleeping with Riff Raff doing it because there’s something funny about being able to say you had sex with Riff Raff?

lol the fact he had his own music video playing in the background and he was watching it as he was going inside me.

Did he break out of character at any point? If so, when and how?

riff raff is riff raff ALL THE TIME

I feel as if most men are most honest and vulnerable post orgasm. Would you say this was true of Riff Raff?

no this is false with riff

Were drugs and alcohol involved in your personal time with Riff Raff? if so, what?

yes drinking and a lot of cocaine

Did you enjoy sleeping with Riff Raff? Any regrets?

no I didn’t really enjoy sleeping with him and my regret was sleeping with him.

Would you do it again?
never

After it was all said and done, what is your take on Riff Raff, as a man? Good guy? Misunderstood genius? Retarded clown?

his pretty misunderstood I would only be able to have him as a friend after this.

That was brief and to the point, huh? This next one is slightly more detailed and there’s a bonus story in there about a threesome with Mac miller. Score!

Where did you meet Riff Raff?
I met Riff Raff via Twitter, he followed me, then I followed him, and we exchanged numbers, I lived in Miami at the time, He lives in North Hollywood, I told him I was moving back soon, he said we should hang.

Were you attracted to him?
In my honest opinion, hes a good looking dude if you can look past the hair and the clothes.
There was somewhat of an attraction.

Who was the aggressor , in terms of flirting and things escalating to a sexual level?

He was definitely the aggressor, he’s more into white girls though, to be completely honest I feel like he initiated the sexual stuff because he felt like that was what he was supposed to do.

Is Riff Raff Charming?

He is definitely charming, lots of compliments, and hes really sweet and chill, at least the few times we hung out that’s how he acted with me.

Was any part of sleeping with Riff Raff doing it because there’s something funny about being able to say you had sex with Riff Raff? 

Honestly, I slept with Riff Raff because he’s Riff Raff, but I love what he is, I feel like that’s really him, and if it isn’t, he’s the biggest troll since LIL B. TYBG.

Have you slept with other “famous” people before? If so, care to expand on that? any funny stories?

I’ve slept with Malcom McCormick, aka Mac Miller, I was there for his 21’st birthday party/MTV filming.
My friends and I set up the whole thing, made the Balloons, set up the drinks, everything, my friend we’ll call her “chloe” was dating him at the time, she was his “side chick” and he told her to invite girls, because we do porn, and he assumed we knew lots of girls, and it’d be a super dope party with pornstars.
Little did he know, that girls in porn don’t get along, so she invited me, and I invited one other girl I got to know from porn.
It was a wild night, we were at the Palms in Vegas, Hugh Hefner suite, 2 stories, infinity pool, the works, personal bartender, everything, drugs, all kinds of drugs, drugs for days.
Girl I invite gets super fucked up off of Marijuana, how, I don’t know, I get annoyed, stop talking to her, because I have a short temper, just hang out with “Chloe” for the rest of the night, he asks if we want to get in the pool, we do, “chloe” and I are in the pool with Malcolm and Jimmy (his bffff) and Jimmy tries to make move on me, I don’t respond because I didn’t want it to be filmed, he dives into pool and tries to sneak up on me and I kick him on accident, oops, get embarrassed, Jimmy leaves pool, I’m third wheel in pool, Malcolm and “chloe’ are making out super awkward, they start fucking, didn’t want to leave pool because it was heated and outside was cold, stood my ground, “chloe” turns to me and asks me to go over there, and gives me this look that says “let’s have fun” we all look at each other, Malcolm grabs me and kissed me, we start fucking, MTV was filming the whole time, didn’t really care at this point, I was drunk, and high as shit, and I like “chloe”, he tells MTV to stop filming, we go upstairs into this room with a spinning bed, have an awesome threesome, end of story.

Did he break out of character at any point? If so, when and how?

Riff never broke out of character, he’s really chill when not surrounded by tons of people.

I feel as if most men are most honest and vulnerable post orgasm. Would you say this was true of Riff Raff?

after orgasm, he was the same, chill, just really stoned cause we smoked Marijuana, and we were all tired, I wanted to leave, so we did, I had a threesome with Riff Raff too, I wasn’t that into the girl that was there so I didn’t really enjoy it.

Did you enjoy sleeping with Riff Raff? Any regrets?
Would you do it again?

I enjoyed him, but not her, it was fun and all, but she’s not my type.
I would definitely do it again.

After it was all said and done, what is your take on Riff Raff, as a man? Good guy? Misunderstood genius? Retarded clown? 

I feel as if he’s pretty much himself, and very misunderstood, nothing he does is to harm anyone, he lives his life the way he wants to, and a lot of people envy that because they wish they could do the same.

Well, there you have it. I can’t imagine anyone needs to know more about what it’s like to hook up with Riff Raff at this point. I think we all get the picture guys! Thanks to those who contributed.

Hey guys, let’s not make Yung Lean a “thing” , okay?

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The internet is an unstoppable whirlwind of info and crap that’s constantly spitting out debris all over our faces. Sometimes it’s in the form of something harmlessly funny like “Grumpy Cat”. Other times it’s some truly awful shit like beheading videos. In both cases, it’s typically waste products. Meaning, they have their time and then they’re flushed away into the bowels of the webz. As a connoisseur of crap, I actually enjoy it on many levels. If I can sit through an episode of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” surely I can find the good in a shitty youtube clip of some awful rapper. But, every now and then, something pops out that seemingly crosses over from simply being ridiculous to being something people actually care about.
This is not a new concept. Especially on this blog. I’d say about 4 times a year some new “thing” pops off and I vent about it. Whether it be a terrible new white rapper or some un-funny youtube sensation. There is always something waiting to be next. Enter Yung Lean.



He’s a 16 year old swedish rapper that people are talking about. Vice covered him. Lil B’s fans have embraced him. He’s somewhat of of a meme at this point. I’m sure he’s in a few of your Ipods right now an , and when his song comes on, you sit there pretending to enjoy it even though it’s an old joke at this point. Where it stands now, the enjoyment of his music is heavily dipped in irony as he
1)Looks like he does
2)Is a Swedish 16 year old rapper , rapping in english about being sad (kinda)
3)has got strangely decent beats.
4)Sad boys, bro. Sad boys. #sadboys

My take of it him is that he’s definitely strange in an original way. He’s a bit dead behind the eyes so it kinda makes me think he’s not joking around. His whole “Emotional boys” thing and shouting out random years that he clearly wasn’t making this music in is certainly intriguing.
I can see why peoples curiosity would be peaked. But, all that said, he’s simply another shitty rapper. Now, this hasn’t stopped anyone from getting famous. Chief Keef is basically mentally handicapped and he was on KAnye’s last album and has a thriving fanbase. But the difference is Yung Lean is bad in the sense that he simply doesn’t sound good. A guy like Chief Keef can get by just being who is. Yung Lean? He has autism swag and that’s just not a good look.

At his current stage of “Internet notoriety” , I feel as if he’s the slow kid in the classroom that everyone quietly mocks by pretending he’s the coolest guy in the room. He gets pats on the back to his enjoyment but he has no idea that he’s a walking punchline to everyone else. I could be wrong about that but I’m simply just hoping that is the case. Maybe he’s already turned? and by “turned” I mean maybe he’s started to be accepted as a legit musician and not a retarded youtube hilarity that will come and go like so many others before it. The thing is, if he isn’t yet…it’s only a matter of time.
I can guarantee that in the next month or so, I’ll be having a conversation with some hipster/reformed underground rap fan who will try to spin to me how Yung Lean is a actually amazing. Not ironically…but like he’s doing something next level that my old dinosaur brain cannot comprehend. I can also Guarantee I will never listen to another word that person says to me again. It happened with Riff Raff, it happened with Kitty Pryde…I’m shocked it never happened with Eli but, then again, he’s black and it seems only really shitty white rappers get this sort of pass. More on that later though.
I’m writing this not to shit on the art of Yung Lean. I like funny things. He is hilarious. Whether or not it’s intentional, I have no clue. He’s either a delusional swedish kid who listened to way too much Lil B and ASAP Rocky or he’s an Andy Kaufman level genius with the video skills of Tim and Eric. Regardless, He has a place in the world. However, I write this to beg of you, bloggers and tastemakers…Don’t make him a “thing”. We get it. He’s a rapping swedish kid repping “sad boys”.It’s strange and funny. Much like Riff Raff and Kitty Pryde, there is definitely “something” about him. He’s nothing if not bizarre. But all this acting like this is at all legit (beyond it’s humor value) is pretty much just cruel. Why not just go around tipping over people in wheelchairs? That’s basically how I see this. There are so many terrible rappers on youtube. many of them from countries outside of the Us. Many of them are hilarious. Even more hilarious than Yung Lean. Have you seen this fucking guy?!?!

Or have you seen this serbian abomination?

I realize part of the reason Yung Lean is getting this shine is cause he does use many relevant rap trends in his music..so it’s cutting edge in it’s terribleness. But still…Stop it. With the way these things work, he’ll be touring to sold out venues in the US within 5 months. Meanwhile, the far funnier and equally terrible ladies of “It’s so cold in the D” probably haven’t left detroit in their entire lives and the “Why must I cry” guy’s life peaked by being made fun of on Tosh 2.0.
I alluded to it earlier but there is an air of weird racism going on with all these pop up, so-bad-they’re-good youtube rap sensations. It’s like the white people are given a pass to be both laughed at and admired while their black counterparts never got the admiration part. Sure, some may argue that Lil B is the king of this shit but, to be honest, he can actually rap decently. i don’t really fuck with his music but I’ve heard songs here and there that clearly put him head and shoulders above any of the mouth breathers mentioned in this write up (I’ll give Riff Raff a little credit there too…he’s far better than any of these other people I’ve mentioned).
All I’m saying is that we need to take these types of things at face value. A funny youtube sensation that will be gone within a week. Giving stuff like this more depth than it deserves to be given is not only a disservice to music in general but it’s just gonna breed more shit like this. Meaning, it can only get worse and more contrived. Listen, us white folks love some good old irony ESPECIALLY when it’s rapping. But slow you role the second you start to blur the lines between that joke and reality.

#sadboys

“I hooked up with Riff Raff” Part 1


Well, I didn’t…but someone did.

So, it’s safe to say that Riff Raff is a polarizing and fascinating character. I’m sure many of my readers have a visceral disdain for him but I’ve always leaned more towards the side of him being a very entertaining person with a unique game plan. I think what it comes down to is trying to get a handle on him as a person. Is he genuine? Is he a character? Is he a slightly exaggerated version of himself? Or is he 100% an act? The thing is, no one really knows. We’ve all seen clips of the guy being different people. Even in interviews where he seems to be acting sincere, you still can’t tell.

So, I had an idea. I have a friend who knows a lot of people. We were talking one day and it casually came up that she had a few friends that had hooked up with Riff raff (sexually). Immediately, my ears perked up. Partially cause hearing those kinda stories in general are alway fun but more so cause I felt like it might be a chance to , perhaps, shed some light on an enigma. So, I had the idea of making a questionnaire for these girls who had hooked up with him. My friend would then give them the questions and return the answers to me. This way, keeping the girls anonymity in tact. Even with this , a few girls declined. But two brave souls whom I’ve never met and have no clue as to their identity, stepped up to the plate. So, to them, I say thank you and , if I ever somehow meet you, drinks are on me.
While the questions are a little personal, I also tried to not go too into depth out of respect for both the girls and Riff Raff. So, sorry fellas, I’m afraid you’ll never know how big Riff Raff’s dick is!
The way I see it, I don’t know the dude. I’d imagine I’d be a little bummed out if my sexual exploits started popping up on the internet. Or maybe he doesn’t care? Who fucking knows. Regardless, this is less about the sex than about the way in which it went down and perhaps seeing Riff raff as a regular, red blooded man who wants to have sex with girls. It should also be noted that I’m just posting what the girls told me. Riff Raff might have a totally different view point on what went down and there are just one persons words. So, also take that into consideration.
So, here is the first interview subject.

How did you meet Riff Raff?

At Santo’s in August at one of his shows. I was introduced by a mutual friend backstage.

Were you attracted to him when you met him?

He definitely has a certain something. Mainly, he’s just fascinating to look at. He has a really striking, crazy face.

Who was the aggressor , in terms of flirting and things escalating to a sexual level?

He was. He was the one who initiated us hanging out and who texted me repeatedly over the weekend after our hookup to “hang out at the hotel”. One of the first things he said to me was, “Wanna make out at the after party?” Didn’t take much.

Is Riff Raff Charming?

Much more charming in performance. In person, he kind of has a mask on and doesn’t really look people in the eyes, or smile that much.

Was any part of sleeping with Riff Raff doing it because there’s something funny about being able to say you had sex with Riff Raff?

Well it certainly wasn’t for the fake MMDA and the scintillating conversation we had about LA vs. NYC. Yes, to be honest with you, that was the main reason I hooked up with him- it felt hilarious.

Have you slept with other “famous” people before?

Not actual famous people, just NYC scenester type famous people. Unfortunately, Riff Raff is the most famous person I’ve ever been with.

Did he break out of character at any point? If so, when and how? If not, he’s actually that guy?

He never once went on like he normally does in his videos. He was pretty quiet. After the show, we went to his hotel suite where his friends were snorting Mollies. He turned to me and nodded to go into his bedroom. We made out on his bed and had very average sex for ten minutes, and I was surprised at how sober and rational he was about everything. It felt like a high school hook up. Neither of us took off our sneakers.

I feel as if most men are most honest and vulnerable post orgasm. Would you say this was true of Riff Raff?

No. He definitely just lay there for a minute with his eyes closed, then looked me up and down suggestively, then got up to wash up.

Were drugs and alcohol involved in your personal time with Riff Raff? if so, what?

beer.

Did you enjoy sleeping with Riff Raff? Any regrets?

We used protection and everything, so no regrets there, thank god. It wasn’t good sex by any means but I think it’s funny it happened.

There was a new batch of girls coming in to the room post- hookup, which was skeevy and gross and I felt suddenly really old. So, because it was 4 AM, I got a room in the hotel that night to catch a few hours of sleep before going to work the next day. That means I spent three hundred bucks to have sex with him- bummer. But on the other hand, I went to work the next day wearing the same thing as the night before (minus underwear which was left in Riff Raff’s room) and the amazing secret that I had had sex with a guy who has BET tattooed to his neck and a cultivated zig zag beard. It just felt like I had a really juicy secret, and I LOVE that feeling. Priceless.

I still get texts from him when he’s in town, which is always a treat. I wish I knew what my name was in his phone, because he definitely doesn’t know what my name is.

Would you do it again?

I don’t think so. It was exhausting following him and his retarded bro’s around just to have sex for ten minutes and feel as though I was a part of a revolving door of 22 year olds. You never know, though!

After it was all said and done, what is your take on Riff Raff, as a man? Good guy? Misunderstood genius? Retarded clown?

He’s obviously narccisstic and I’m not sure who he is underneath his visual persona. He seems bored and affected unless people of note are watching him and he’s making himself to be a retarded clown/ misunderstood genius. He’s probably calculating and smart, albeit quiet and lonely at heart. But he could’ve just been zonked out on Mollies.

P.S. on the off chance that anyone reading this has hooked up with riff raff (or another interesting celebrity) and you’re willing to talk about it, holler at me phatfriendblog@gmail.com. Don’t holler at me if you are liar and feel like wasting my time though. you’re better than that…come on.

Dirt Nasty makes me wish I had Vine

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Man, I don’t have an I-phone. I got an Android. While this phone is perfectly fine and I actually prefer it (it’s got a flip out keyboard cause I hate typing on screens) there are a few downsides. One being that, for the time being, I don’t get to be on Vine. I feel like that shit was made for me. You mean to tell me I can make 7 second videos all day? And they can be ridiculous? I’ve often been known to curse new social networks as they come out , until I eventually join them 4 years after they’re no longer cool but this one? I’d be all over it if I could.
I heard about Vine a while back and didn’t really give it a second thought. In my eyes it would end up being instagram that moves. Meaning endless 7 second cat videos , clips of sunsets and people filming their food while it sits on the plate. It wasn’t until I happened upon these youtube clips that really opened my eyes to how awesome Vine can be. Those clips were a “best/worst of” Dirt nasty AKA Simon Rex. Now, I’m sure many of you out there got no love for him (I’m assuming cause rap nerds tend to hate on funny rap related shit) and, yes, he’s admittedly very low brow and childish but, goddamn did these clips get me rolling. Obviously, these clips will not be for everyone but, for the rest of you, YOU’RE WELCOME.



But it’s not just him…
Let’s not forget about Riff Raff’s Vine. A little more abstract but still entertaining…

This dude Chris Delia is pretty funny too

Obviously , there is so much more but I GUESS I’LL NEVER KNOW CAUSE I HAVe A FUCKING ANDROID!!! WHY!!!!!!!!
Just kidding. Save you “first world problems” retort. I’m sure it’ll be on there in no time. And when it is, prepare for the most pointless and questionably funny videos you’ve ever witnessed.

Yay or nay? This new Earl/Riff Raff song

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Typically, this column is dedicated to new artists but, you know what? It’s not easy finding a new artist I like/one who peaks my interest (let alone don’t loath) every week. So, instead, let’s try something different this week.
Here was have a new song. It’s Produced by Harry Fraud and features the vocal stylings of Earl sweatshirt and Riff Raff. Now, here’s where I’d give my brief synopsis and clue you into my thoughts but I think I’m gonna skip all that. I’m very curious of what your response to this song is. I will say, I’m a big fan of Earl, I like Frauds beats and Riff Raff is a funny clown I don’t dislike. So, with that, here’s the song:

http://www.sharebeast.com/tsigvquf0cqz
Because there are tons of ways to hear/evaluate this song, I’m giving you as many voting options as I can.
Now, tell me what you think?