Now is the time. Submit your god forsaken demos to me.


Whattup everyone…It’s the moment all the self loathers have been waiting for! I’m opening up the flood gates once again for demo submissions. If you have a song you’d like me to review, now if your time to both shine and possibly get shit on as well. However, before you just submit me something. There are rules. PLEASE READ THESE CLOSELY BEFORE SUBMITTING ANYTHING TO ME. They are crucial to your demo even making it to the review process.
1)The header on the email must say “Demo review”
2)If you’ve already submitted, DO NOT submit again. You had your fun now it’s other people’s turn. This includes producers working with new rappers.
3)Send me ONE SONG. Pick your song that is your favorite or the one that best exemplifies your music and shoot it over here. I’m not going to listen to your whole ep.
4)This time around, I’ll only be accepting songs that can be heard via a link. So, no loose mp3′s or myspace pages. I want soundcloud, bandcamp or you can even upload it to an upload site (like divshare.com, hulkshare ect…) that allows the songs to stream. Basically, the streaming part is crucial. If this is something you cannot do, you probably shouldn’t be sending me music in the first place. I also accept youtube video links but, seriously, how you gonna have that be your only form of streaming music online. Soundcloud is free. just sign up and put a song up there.
5)Demo MUST contain original production. I don’t want mixtapes of you rapping over other peoples tracks. I want actual songs. About once a week, I review something only to find out it’s some rare madlib track the person jacked. If you send me something, I want it to 100% be made by you. Sampling is sampling but taking another person finished rap beat and calling it your own is not okay.
6)budding producers: don’t just send me some random beat you made. I want a finished product. If your shit is called “Untitled beat” I will throw it right in the trash. If you made a beat but it’s just drums and a loop, i don’t want it. i want something you’d consider a song that can stand on it’s own. A rap beat with a subtle change does not a song make.

That’s about it for the rules. But there’s more…You must also accept that I will be reviewing your music honestly. I don’t know you. You aren’t my homeboy. I may write some shit you don’t wanna hear/accept. That’s fine and all but just know it’s possible. Butthurt responses will be clowned on properly. Trust me, I’m as familiar with internet criticism as any person who makes music for a living. It sucks but it’s part of the deal. After all, you’re sending me your music so I can review it. what else do you expect? By submitting, you’re pretty much agreeing to possibly being let down.
It should also be noted that , genre wise, I’m a rap guy. I like rap music. This can work both for and against you people sending me rap as I will be highly critical of it but there’s also a chance I might actually like it. Where as with other genres (particularly instrumental music and electronic type shit) I don’t really listen to that kinda stuff. Feel free to send it but just know my ceiling of enjoyment for that kind of music is typically pretty low. Ironic, I know…but it’s the reality of things.

Got it? good.
So, send away to my email
phatfriendblog@gmail.com.
I’m gonna keep the submission progress open for about a week so you have ample time to get your shit together.
Good luck and godspeed.

The demo review: Now accepting submissions.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I’M NO LONGER TAKING SUBMISSIONS. IF YOU SEND ME ONE AFTER THIS POINT (4:30 ET MAY 24TH, 2012) I WILL NOT EVEN OPEN THE EMAIL. SORRY IF YOU MISSED THE WINDOW BUT I HONESTLY GOT SO MANY SUBMISSIONS THAT IT WOULD TAKE ME A LIFE TIME TO GET THROUGH THEM. THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO SUBMITTED AND YOU’RE MUSIC WILL BE JUDGED IN ORDER OF TIME I RECEIVED THEM.

Earlier this week I had an idea that could benefit both of us. That idea was to review peoples demo’s. The response was enough that I figured we could give the idea a whirl. Now, this is the type of thing that could come back to bite me in the ass cause , even without asking, I always have people sending me links to their shit regardless. The fact I’m now asking for it scares the shit out of me but , hey, I do it for the love of Phat Friend. I need content and you need validation. It’s funny how that works.

So, here’s the deal…If you’re a musician, rapper, producer, ect…Send me your music.I will review it. But before you do that, please read this whole thing as there are rules and guidelines I need you to follow. Now, keep in mind, the review might be one sentence or it might be 3 paragraphs. It really depends. I’m expecting the majority of the reviews to be “Meh” but that’s more about me than you. Now ,before you start flooding my inbox with music, I want to stress some things,

1)Send me one song. in case you glossed over that, let me repeat…SEND ME ONE SONG AND ONE SONG ONLY. You can do it via bandcamp, soundcloud, a spare mp3 or upload site. I don’t care what form it is , as long as I can share the link in the review and it is one, solitary song. I’m not here to sit around and listen to your entire concept album on how water is like blood in the veins of the earth. Send me what you consider to be your best song that most exemplifies what you’re about musically. If you do not abide by this rule, I will not only not review your music, I won’t even listen to it.

2)My reviews will be honest. And, honestly, I don’t like lots of music. Meaning, I’m very likely not going to like that you send me. I know this sounds pessimistic but in the 15 or so years I’ve been doing this, I’ve almost never gotten a demo that was legit “good”, let alone great. So, keep this in mind and know that you’ve been warned. All butthurt people will be ignored. All that said, I will be fair about things. i’m not doing this to rip apart your dreams…I’m doing it give constructive criticism. I don’t know you. I’m not your buddy who you get high with. If anyone’s gonna tell you the truth, it’s me. But know this, my expectations are extremely low.

3)Genre-wise, know that , first a foremost I enjoy rap. So, if you’re sending me dub-step, I’m pretty sure I’ll hate it. If you’re sending me some instrumental hip hop types shit, while i’ll be able to tell you why I think it’s either good or bad, don’t expect a rave review either cause, to be honest, I don’t really listen to that kinda thing. The ceiling of my enjoyment is low. Rock music? Sure. Again, I can’t say I’ll have much to say about it but if you”re dying to know what a guy who isn’t into the genre of music you make thinks of your music, who am I to stop you?

4)Just some basic guidelines: When sending music, send it to my email (phatfriendblog@gmail.com), title your email “Demo review”. That way it won’t get mixed in with the unsolicited demo’s I get all the time. If your demo is put in the comments below this post or doesn’t have that header in the email, I will ignore it. Be sure to tell me your name as an artist and the name of the song. If you wanna throw in a couple of sentences about your music , feel free but it’s not that important. Honestly, if you write me some earnest shit about your “Art” and I end up thinking it sucks, don’t be surprised if I use what you wrote against you in the review. So, you know, be cool.

I’m sure, if this goes well, I will add more rules but, for now, that’s all you need to know.
So, yes…send me your music. I’m asking for it and look forward to hearing it. Who knows, maybe I’ll discover the next huge underground talent the internet has to offer. I’d bet my life that I won’t but, hey, you never know…good luck!

Ballin’! Some rules for pick up basketball

BB
I play lots of basketball. Aside from eating , music and tv, it’s probably what I spend most of my time doing. This in no way is a claim of great skill , more just to let you all know that playing ball (aside from being my only form of exercise) is a big part of my life.
When I was about 11, I first set foot in Cereveli park. I went there with a friend and we both got robbed for our bikes. Good times. Blind to this robbing being an issue, we kept going back (without bikes). Instead of riding around in circles , we opted to play basketball. Well, it’s 22 years later and , while I’ve long lost contact with that friend, I still go there on a regular basis. It’s like a second home to me in many ways. I know everyone who plays there. They know me. It’s a nice family like environment where the occasional broken bottle fight might break out. Whatever, no family is perfect.
I think the thing about this park I love, as an amateur sociologist, is that it is a great study in learning about people. Ricky Powell (who used to play at the very same park) once said “You can really tell a lot about someone from how they play ball”. He could not be more correct. Playing basketball with someone really takes down the walls on some people’s personality. This doesn’t mean that if a dude is a nice guy but on the court he’s a total animal, he’s a bad person. Not at all. But, much like heavy drinking, certain personality traits in people pop out only when they’re playing sports. Mostly things involving pride and competitiveness. Two things, personally, I think are extremely over rated but also very necessary to playing sports. The thing is, neither of those traits are particularly bad but when basketball is concerned, people tend to treat pointless pick up games like they’re ready to die for a win.
In order to quell such behavior, I think there should be some new rules added to the game to make things go smoother and just make the overall pick up basketball experience that much more enjoyable.

Rule #1 : No Tantrums allowed
As, I’ve written before this is a quote I hear more often than not at the courts:
“What?!?! son, I’m a grown ass man! you can’t tell me what to do!”

This usually is said following a disputed call where the person yelling knows they’re wrong but they’re too proud to admit it. It also tends to lead to the quote “whatever!” or in the worst case “how bout I cut you and your man up?”. That’s always nice. This type of person is not only an asshole but also has the emotional depth of a 12-year-old. Throwing tantrums in unorganized sports is pretty much the corniest thing anyone can do. Seriously, get yourself together and hold your head. No one is making money and no one gives a shit. The fact I’ve seen countless fist fights over bad calls is telling. We’re all too old for that shit. Leave the fighting to the children, as they are the future.

Rule #2 Be aware of shit talking. Use it with caution.
If I don’t know you, shut the fuck up…again, refer to the whole unorganized sports thing. “In your face!” is fine (if not completely dated and lame) when you’re playing with a friend or someone you hate but if you’re strangers and that shit starts , you just sound like a douche bag. I realize shit talking is how many players gain mental advantages over opponents, but once it crosses into any sort of aggressive beef-like tone, it needs to end. Unless, of course, you happen to be a grown ass man and can’t nobody tell you shit. Then, by all means, do you.

Rule #3 Stop yelling at your teammates.
Sure, sometimes you play with a retard who doesn’t ever pass and eventually you gotta be like “yo, pass the ball.” That usually has no effect on anything but the thought is there. But if you’re playing with someone who’s honestly trying and getting burned on defense, let it go…shit happens. If you’re playing with someone who is obviously out their element or just a bad player, yelling at them isn’t going to fix that. I’m still waiting to meet the pick up basketball guy who reacts positively to being yelled at. Like it inspires him to be a better player. If anything, yelling at your teammates will take them further out of the game. Again, this is not serious sporting. It’s pick up basketball.

Rule # 4 Know how to set picks
Be careful, Motherfucker! Some people mistake picks for a football tackle. Even worse, a moving pick is a lowlife move at street courts cause if you call it, you look like an asshole but it totally does fuck shit up.

Rule # 5 limit the bad calls
Chill with the stupid “carrying” calls…most people dribble like that. You could call it on anyone under the age of 30. To me, there’s nothing worse than the bail out foul call. You know you barely got touched yet , because you blew an easy lay up, you call a foul. That’s some bitch made shit right there and pretty much the most common call you will see on the court.

Rule # 5b NO “AND ONES” !
For those who don’t know, an “And one” is when someone calls a foul and the ball goes in. In pro sports, this basket counts. In pick up, it’s highly debated. well, Fuck that shit. It should not be debated. If you call a foul in pick up ball, you do not get the basket. That’s some weirdo soft suburban/L.A. bullshit that makes no sense at all. It allows pussies to call a foul every time they get touched. Fouls should only be called when they’re real. Ticky tac foul calls have no place in pick up ball. By not getting the basket on a foul call, it makes the shooter think before they actually call the foul. It also makes the game go quicker. It’s the only fair way to do it and it blows my mind that people let that shit fly.

Rule # 6 Don’t take fouls personally
Getting mad at someone fouling you is a waste of time. It’s part of the game and RARELY does anyone have bad intentions. In most cases it’s someone driving to the hoop hard and drawing contact. Guess what? Are we supposed to say “ol’e!” and let you through? No, we go for the block and sometimes miss. Boo hoo bitch ass, you got fouled. You still get the ball so quit thinking the world is out to get you through fouling in a pick up basketball game. Another personal peeve of mine relating to this is the “always hurt” guy who acts like every time he gets fouled he needs to be taken to a hospital, only to reemerge 5 minutes later totally fine. Fuck that guy. He wastes everyone’s time and deserves to actually get hurt because of it.

Rule # 7 What happens on the court stays on the court.
Don’t be like one of those dudes that beats their wives cause their team lost the super bowl. Just let it go. You catch beef with someone on the court, let it go. Tomorrow is a new day. No holding grudges. That is something girls do in high school locker rooms.

Rule # 8 Don’t coach me, bro
Listen, we’re all amateurs here. I don’t need anyone in a pick up basketball game explaining to me how to play or trying to set up some magical play that simply isn’t gonna work. Mind your own business. If you see a pick coming for me, lemme know. If you wanna switch on defense, lemme know. Communication is a good thing. Just make sure it’s that. Otherwise, I simply do not wanna hear it. I don’t care how good you are. The bottom line is your in the same game as me so you can’t be THAT good.

Rule # 9 Don’t quit
Sounds corny but it’s kind of an unspoken rule. People who walk off the court in the middle of games are big pussies. Unless you’re leaving a situation in order to avoid violence, it’s not ever OK. But it’s not just those people, almost as bad are the people who stay on the court but give up. I know it sucks to be down by like 10 baskets. I’m not asking to bust your ass but at least play a little defense and , if given an open shot, take it. Don’t just meander around the half court , brooding like a sullen vagina. Shit, we’re mostly here for exercise any way. Use the garbage time to your advantage.

Rule # 10 Wear deodorant

There’s a dude I play with at the park who smelled like burnt assholes for the first few years he came to the court. Eventually , someone hipped him to “deodorant” and it fixed everything. I know stinking can work as a defense mechanism but , seriously, chill with that shit.

This last one isn’t really a rule, but more just advice. It’s fairly obvious but it needs to be said.
AVOID CRAZY PEOPLE
This advice obviously extends way past basketball but, man, I’ve seen some of the most socially dysfunctional people playing ball. It’s truly amazing.
There was this one dude who used to play at the park. He was a short asian dude who everyone called Bruce. Except, his name wasn’t Bruce. They called him that cause he was asian and this was in the 90’s when (to insensitive project kids) Asian = Bruce Lee. The thing is, he just accepted it. I remember one day I called him by his real name and he was all shocked. I think he even thanked me for it. Whatever…This dude, by all accounts, was a nice guy. A dork even. One day I got to the courts kinda early and only Bruce was there. We were shooting around and this father and son joined us. The dad was in his 50’s and his son was about 14, and very learning disabled. Like “spot it across a room” level disabled. They ask if we wanna play a friendly 2-2 game to pass the time and we agreed to it. I was going super light on them as neither were any good and , well, the kid was literally retarded. Bruce, however, was playing really hard. He drove to the hoop and the kid fouled him (not hard). Bruce snapped” watch the fucking fouls!”. I was shocked. I looked at the dad as if to say “jesus dude, I’m sorry.”. The game continued. Again, Bruce blew up at the kid. I pulled him to the side and told him to chill and that the kid was obviously not all there. He nodded and we continued. Within 2 minutes, he pushed the kid against the fence and was ready to throw hands at him but I intervened. We stopped the game and the father and son sheepishly walked away, in awe of what Bruce had just done. I was too. When they left I asked Bruce what the fuck was wrong with him and all he could say was “Someone needs to teach that fucking kid how to play defense” as he stormed off. A few weeks later, bruce got snuffed twice by two puerto rican kids and was one wrong word away from getting a bottle smashed over his head. Can’t say I pitied him much that day.
So , yeah, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, especially when dealing with basketball and the pride of crazy people.

Wow, this blog is soooo for the ladies! where my hoes at?

Rules for Proper public conduct (NYC edition)

rules
What’s wrong with people? I’m beginning to realize a sad truth; A huge portion of people (at least in NYC) were never taught common sense or common decency in public places. Being a dickhead while in your home is one thing but making everyone around you have to deal with it is not only annoying, but it’s selfish…

How bout some simple rules of public conduct?

1.) Cell Phones – We all have them. Forgetting to turn your ringer off in the movie theater is pretty absent minded but I can forgive that. However, motherfuckers who insist on using that chirp/walkie talkie bullshit are the worst. I’m a nosey person and even I don’t really give a fuck to hear your conversation. Also, enough with the ringers. I got no problems with heads who have songs on their ringer but turn that shit down…I don’t think anyone needs to hear “Tonight’s gonna be a good night” blasting out of your shitty cell phone speaker. I’ve seen a shocking amount of people let their phones ring just to hear their rings. How many more times do you really need to hear the hook of “Poker face”? pick up your fucking phone.

2.) Public Displays of Affection –
We’ve all made out in public places. It’s pretty unavoidable. But how bout we keep it at that? Groping should be minimal. Mashing titties and ass cheeks should be very minimal. Fingering should be illegal. I mean, hey, I like to be a voyeur too but if I’m in a bar and a couple is seriously going at it – AT THE BAR – cool down. At least go fuck in the bathroom. That’s what the respectable folk do. I’ve seen some downright fucked up shit. I grew up a block away from Christopher st. and many a morning I’d be walking home, after being out all night, and be lucky enough to see two dudes jerking each other off on a stoop, OR, even better, giving head in the front seat of a car. I’ve even seen a guy straight up jerking off in the front seat of his car on a friday night on a busy street. Seriously, having a touch of shame sometimes can be a gift.

3.) Walking –
If you’re walking down the street, keep it moving! Nothing pisses me off more then Lil’ Mr. Daydreamer casually wandering down the sidewalk while 80 people are trying to get somewhere. That, and when a group of people walk together (particularly on the small Greenwich Village side streets) super slow with their arms hooked like The Brady Bunch at the mall. That shit is just asking to be ransacked through on some red rover shit. Save the whimsical strolls for the beach or the park…or better yet, into the mouth of a live volcano…

4.) Fighting –
I’m all for it if it has nothing to with me. Watching two drunk retards scrap is the shit. I know girls freak out, but something feels so separated about it that it’s like you’re watching a movie. A really bad, sloppy movie. But on the same note, I’ve seen dudes slap around their girls in public. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hitting a girl is crazily fucked up to begin with, but to be so unashamed of that that you do it in front of people ,like it’s nothing, boggles my mind. Haven’t you ever heard of verbal abuse? It’s legal.

5.) Drunkenness –
I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been a drunk asshole. It’s par for the course. Whether it means yelling offensive shit to strangers, starting fights, or crying on a stoop and then vomiting…it’s pretty common. Maybe I’m weird but I’m never SOOOOOO drunk that I’m not KIND OF aware of what I’m doing. I’ve done dumb shit for sure but there’s a limit. It’s kinda the same logic that applies to going home with someone busted and then blaming it on being drunk. Beer goggles are kinda bullshit. No one looks better when you’re drunk, you just care a lot less. Anyway, my point is, get wild, do whatever but don’t forget, eventually, there will be consequences. This, however, does not apply to black out drunks, cause you guys are an inhuman breed that I almost kinda envy. Personally, if I’m that drunk, I just vomit.

6.) Public Bathrooms –
Don’t piss on the seat asshole…unless you’re at someone’s house party and you hate them, then it’s ok. In fact, you can put their soap bar up your ass if you really feel justified.

7.) Eating and Tipping –
It’s 20 % unless the service was wack. I know people do 15% but c’mon…don’t be a cheap bitch ass. Also, be nice to waiters/waitresses. They have shitty jobs. Even for the ones that make good money, it’s still a shitty job to have because you gotta deal with assholes all day. Nothing is worse then being out with a group of people and one of the people you’re with is being a dickhead to the server or returning food when it’s not necessary. My older sister is like that and I wanna strangle her every time I eat with her..but I’d wait till we get home because I don’t wanna be one of those guys that beats women in public….

8.) Dudes that Carry Stereo’s Around on the Street – This is Extremely particular to NYC. it’s also rare but , i swear, it still exists. The days of the boombox are loooooong gone. You are not Radio Raheem, you’re a shitface with the worst taste in music ever. You’re worse then the car stereo people…at least they’re in a car. Cars eventually will drive away. Get an ipod…get a fucking walkman…no one wants to hear what new reggeaton joint you’re feeling blasted so loud it sounds like a cattle drive running over a field of crash symbols.

9.) Arguing in the Streets – Hey, guess what? If you’re on your phone screaming like a mad man at someone, you have officially invited me (and everyone else in an earshot) to stare at you. Same goes for two people loudly arguing on the street. All too often, simply noticing this kinda shit will garner a “What are you looking at?!?!?!” response. The answer? You. I’m looking at you, the guy on the street screaming in broad daylight while hundreds of people walk by. The same way I’d look at you if you burst into flames.

10.) Eating on the Train – I’d be lying if I said I haven’t done this. Especially coming home drunk eating an egg and cheese sandwich BUT motherfuckers need to really stop with the Mcdonalds and chinese food on the train. You might as well take a dump in the train. I swear I sat next to a guy eating a steaming pastrami sandwich…I felt like my face had be glazed in mustard when I got off the train.