Rogglecast 13- Pokin’ Po

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This week, Pollyne and Tony Discuss how to remain a person of dignity while being on social networks. They also break down the top ten things we’ve learned about Pollyne since the inception of this podcast.
As always, if you’d like us to discuss anything particularly , let me know. Send me questions and ideas to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave them in the comments below.
Also, be sure to subscribe to this podcast on I-tunes. Cause, you know, it’s there.

My favorite tweeters


Since I went to the dark side and joined Twitter, it’s safe to say I’ve embraced it. I knew I would but I had hoped some of that anti-twitter integrity I had prior to joining would stick around. No such luck. I now except my spinelessness and can live with it. Btw, follow me! @blockheadnyc! Moving on…
so, Twitter is definitely fun. I’ve learned a few things in the short time I’ve been involved with it.
For instance:

-Never follow 95% of you favorite rappers. Not only are they extremely boring but the majority of their tweets are just retweets of worthless shit other people said about them. However, there are exceptions and I will get to them.
I’ve also Noticed many of my favorite rappers just post corny spiritual/life advice shit that makes me like them less so I opted to unfollow a lot of them. If you’re not funny on twitter, I don’t care what you have to say. I’m not saying they aways have to be funny but if every tweet is some played out word of wisdom , I’ll pass.

-Following porn stars is hit or miss. On one hand, some of them are actually surprisingly funny. Some also post tons of naked pics. Both are plusses in my book. Some truly go for it and embrace the filth. I like that as well. On the other hand , some do the same thing the rappers do with the retweets. Even worse though are the porn stars who tweet about some stupid self help book they’re reading or how yoga class went. If I wanted to read that shit I’d hang out where wheat grass is sold and shoot the shit with whoever came near me. I won’t even get into the ironic aspect of those types of tweets cause that’s a whole other story.

-When you’re actually friends with people and follow them, it’s kinda hard to unfollow them. I have some friends and music aquaintences who I think are just really bad at twitter. I don’t doubt some of them think the same about me. Because we’re cool, I keep following them but , in reality, they clog up my timeline with all sorts of pointless shit ranging from constant updates of what they’re eating to manic breakdowns that aren’t entertaining in anyway. Sure, I could unfollow them but you’d be shocked how closely some people monitor their followers. Motherfuckers take attendance and shit. So, instead, I just suck it up and try to ignore them.

Anyway, I’m not one those people who messes with that “follow fridays” shit but I figured I’d spotlight a few of my favorite people to follow on twitter:

@fatjew
This is my boy Fat Jew from Team Facelift and he pretty much only tweets jokes. He’s almost always funny and never overbearing with the amount he tweets. He’s also got like 52,000 followers so my 2,000 follower having ass isn’t helping him much by promoting him. But, rest assured, he’s good.

Random examples:

Bought a pair of USED pants on ebay with a thong sewn in and wore them without washing. That’s gangster. Would a blood or crip do that? 1:06 PM Feb 14th via web

“You know a girl is too young for you if you have to make the airplane noise just to get your cock in her mouth” -Jimmy Carr 1:36 PM Feb 11th via web

I wouldn’t be scared to fight a bear that was on fire but when I get a call on my cell from an unknown number i am legitimately terrified 1:33 PM Feb 11th via web

Based on his use of the word “collaborate” in that one song, I’m not sure Vanilla Ice knows what it means. @kory_4d 6:02 PM Feb 7th via web

@gavin_mcginnes
This is one of the founders of vice magazine and the original voice of the “do’s and don’t” section. While there has been a just backlash at Vice over the years, it was never this dudes fault. He’s fucking hilarious. He also will post really entertaining articles so that’s a bonus as well.

Random Examples:

Women in headscarves screaming for freedom is like fucking for virginity. #Egypt
6:16 PM Feb 11th via Twittelator

Can’t believe Led Zeppelin got away with this picture of an old man being mounted by a thousand giant faggots. http://yfrog.com/gznd2klkj

British people are so obsessed with racism, they think it’s racist to point out other races being racist.
12:03 PM Feb 1st via TweetDeck

@intuitionraps
Intuition is a rapper buddy of mine from L.A. , by way of Alaska. While he could easily be one of those annoying self promotional tweeters, he slips in enough good stuff to keep it interesting.

Random Examples:

Just saw a guy with a dreadlock mullet. Business in the front, phish show in the back.
1:54 AM Feb 10th via HTC Peep

i hate it when bums choose MY window to piss under…but i still feel like it’s rude to interrupt.
1:38 AM Feb 9th via web

i keep wanting to delete my myspace page, but it’s like the ex girl you don’t want to delete from your phone cuz she might send nudes still.
1:14 AM Feb 8th via web

@po_lite
“Po” is an old friend of mine and one of the funniest women I’ve ever met. The cool thing about her twitter is that she’s not much different in real life. I appreciate that.

Random Examples:

Bruce transjenner
11:21 PM Feb 9th via Twitter for iPhone

I’m waiting for the bus right now among many mexicans. They all know I left my money at home.
1:19 AM Feb 7th via Twitter for iPhone

Thought my cabbie was takin me to his rape spot last night but instead he just played Maxwell and tried to get me to go to a bar with him
9:22 AM Jan 31st via Twitter for iPhone

@jzonedon\'ttweet
J-Zone is an awesome producer, fan of incredible ignorant rap and a very entertaining writer. He takes those three things and makes his twitter fantastic. He definitely speaks the older rap nerd in me.

Random examples:

Local store decorated in all red with “Wheres Cupid?” in the window. As many baby mamas they got over here? Fuck Cupid, wheres daddy?
4:35 PM Feb 13th via web

And of course the greatest rap album ever made dropped in ’91…Tim Dog Penicillin on Wax. I’ll take that statement to the grave!
8:54 AM Feb 11th via web from Jamaica, New York

#FamousLies “I used to be freaky, but those days are over.” Whatever. In English that means you just need a lil more Hennessy these days

@anthonyjeselnik
He’s a fucked up comedian who rarely tweets, but when he does, it’s always good. I’m a big fan of his work and kinda wish he’d step up his twitter productivity.

Random examples:

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I’m older, I’m more of a cat guy.
3:14 PM Dec 28th, 2010 via web

I’ve spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it.
7:01 PM Dec 10th, 2010 via web

I describe myself to people as a “history buff.” It just sounds better than “Holocaust buff.”
12:20 PM Nov 7th, 2010 via

@ghostfacekillah
I’d imagine anyone reading this who’s on twitter already follows Ghostface. The dude is legendary. It’s not all the time, but when he gets on a topic and manically goes off, it’s something to behold. On valentine’s day, he went all in…

Read from the bottom up…

Thats why a lot of girls like girls cause they know what girls like. Nah mean, you gotta know how to do that shit right b. 2:32 PM Feb 14th via web

But you gotta eat her pussy tho, nahmean. Don’t suck the shit too hard nahmean they don’t like that. 2:32 PM Feb 14th via web

and for those of y’all that don’t eat no pussy, you might gotta eat her pussy. You feel me! You eat her pussy, thats even a extra 100 points 2:30 PM Feb 14th via web

But don’t make love to her without the MUSIC on! You gotta put that SLOW shit on and you fuck her reaaal slow. 2:26 PM Feb 14th via web

That’s the best shit. Making your girl happy man. Then after that, you know what it is! You gon’ go in there and you gon’ make love to her.

@sirjarlsberg

This is my man Jeremy Gibson, AKA Sir Jarlsberg. I’ve posted a bunch of his shit on this blog. He’s a rapping and singing olde timey knight kinda guy. Its hard to explain..but it’s soooooo good.

Random examples:

When birds flock together, I gather their feathers. And glue them together to make a great duster. Tis useful and wonderful like numerals.
2:36 PM Jan 3rd via Twitter for BlackBerry®

It twill be quite challenging to catch a snow quail on this day for there are numerous fluffy hwhite burrowing canals. Hence no quail eggs
11:23 AM Dec 27th, 2010 via Twitter for BlackBerry®

Once a hideous Ogar gave thee a decease sparrow and told thee to place it with in thy rear. I cried “NEVER!”and ran to the hills quickly
6:57 PM Dec 22nd, 2010 via Twitter for BlackBerry

@mason_mooreXXX
Mason moore is a fuuuuucked up pornstar. At elast, that’s what her twitter would have me believe. Unlike the others I’ve listed above, following her is more of a spectacle than entertainment. She’s certainly entertaining but, man, it can get grim sometimes. But you gotta look…

Random Examples:

I’m pretty sure if I was on heroin again I’d weigh a lot less. I’m waaay prettier and skinner when I’m partying. That’s how you’ll know
3:43 AM Feb 12th via ÜberTwitter

Seriously. Some of my tweets are bullshit but I’m totally being real right now. I went to the dentist drunk and with dried cum on my neck
3:31 AM Feb 12th via ÜberTwitter

Even though I hate the superbowl that does not mean I wouldn’t fake it and act like I love it just to bang some football players. Just sayin
12:27 PM Feb 6th via ÜberTwitter

Honorable mentions also go out to
@wool_life
My artist homeboy and fellow knick fan who brings the funny.

@mrskimyadawson
Singer and all around awesome person. She somehow manages to be positive, funny and entertaining all at once.

@kristinarosexxx
She’s a good time and posts tons of pics for all you jerking off perverts out there. She also retweets me so, technically, you could unfollow me and follow her and still get my twitter highlights.

@jesus_m_christ
One of my favorite fake accounts. OR IS IT FAKE?!?!?!

@whitegirlproblems
Whoever this is really nails it. White girls…the worst.

@sportsguys33

this is sports writer Bill simmons. He’s very funny and posts all sorts of good videos and links as well.

@xavadevinex

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a moment of her porn work but she’s as filthy as it gets. So much, that it’s actually comical. That said, I’m terrified of her.

Social networks

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I’ll be the first to admit it; I was late to the game with social networks. It wasn’t that I didn’t know they existed or anything, I was just very skeptical. When Friendster came along it just seemed stupid. I didn’t get why anyone would want to be in a ‘social network’ and so, amidst endless invites, I ignored it. I actually just assumed it was a dating service. finally, One day, I got bored, joined, and immediately I became addicted to it and pretty much was glued to it for a few years.

Then, along came myspace, a slightly more ‘edgy’ network (by ‘edgy’ I mean you could use curse words in bulletins and girls truly whored out in profile pics). When people I knew started jumping off the Friendster boat, I held strong thinking it was just a phase but, as we all know now, the only people still on Friendster are…well…no one. At best, perhaps some Appalachian mountain person who just got their first computer.

(Side note: I was thinking about this the other day, Do you think there is anyone left on the planet who has a flourishing Friendster life? That would be so ill).

So yeah, when I saw that no one gave a shit, I moved over to Myspace…and it was great. It was the exact same thing as Friendster but with more bells and whistles…and I loved it. It even had music pages where I could whore myself out (which to this day I maintain with a surprising amount of activity for something as archaic as Myspace). I even began what would eventually become this blog on my personal Myspace page. Still, whenever I write new shit, I post it there first so the 7 people who still check their Myspace can read it. So, for years, I rode high on the Myspace, then I began to hear murmurings of ‘Facebook’. Everyone I knew was going over there and leaving Myspace in the dust. I couldn’t blame them because Myspace had truly been over run with spam and shitty rappers asking you if you wanna cop their new shitty mixtape.

For some reason, I held on for a loooong time to Myspace, I fought Facebook as long as I could. Eventually, Myspace was a barren wasteland of vacuous updates from lonely strippers and ad campaigns by worthless musicians, no real people. It got boring….so, once again, in spite of all the ridicule from my friends, I shamefully headed over to Facebook with my head down kicking rocks the whole way over.

That is where I currently reside, it’s fine, no complaints (well, obviously, I have complaints but we’ll get to that later). However, when I hear people shit on Myspace like it was never fun and rave about Facebook, it still kind of annoys me. The reality of it is; It’s not the website, it’s the traffic. If people still checked their Myspace and were active on it, it would still be fun, facebook isn’t THAT much different. Sure, it’s got more applications (the scrabble one is the best thing on the planet) but it’s still basically the same thing.

This also has to do with Myspace pretty much copying everything Facebook does but whatever, same shit. Now everyone tells me I need to join Twitter. This is where it ends; I will never join Twitter. Twitter is basically the worst part of Facebook and nothing else; Fucking status updates. The thing about Twitter is, if you have something to promote or like putting interesting and funny clips or links up — it’s awesome for that. If you’re just some fucking person who feels the whole world needs to know when you eat a bagel — you’re a dip shit. I see it on Facebook and that’s only one feature that Twitter actually offers. Unless you’re funny, famous, or that “most interesting man in the world” motherfucker, you do not need a Twitter. Straight up, you’re just not that important.

So, here’s my beef with status updates in a nice clean list form:

1.)Who gives a shit?
EXAMPLE “just finished my dinner and now i’m watching “lost” with my bf!”

You just ate dinner? Good for you. No one asked for a play by play of your boring evening at home. Did you just get gang raped and need assistance? Twitter that. Hopefully help will find its way. The thing about Twitter and Facebook status updates is that they feed into people’s already wildly inflated notions of self importance. In 2009, people are vapid, attention seeking, assholes and giving them an outlet is pretty much the worst thing imaginable.

2.) Overshare.
EXAMPLE “sometimes the pain i feel inside hurts so much, i doubt it will ever stop. why didn’t you call me back?”

I’m a man who can appreciate good gossip thusly, when people air their dirt in a public forum, it’s always great for me. However, with status updates people mostly opt to air their emotional dirty laundry. I have friends whose virtual meltdowns I’ve seen via status updates. Not only is that shit crazy embarrassing, but it also really just makes you like a person less in general. Like, if you’re “that type of person,” it’s a safe bet that you’re a complete disaster of a human and you’re life is falling apart for a reason.

3.) Who are you talking to?
EXAMPLE “I bet you wish you were doing what i’m doing! loll!”

One of the more embarrassing type of status updates are ones where you can tell people are baiting comments and no one bites. It’s a lonely person’s game and no one ever wins. It’s the internet equivalent of making a joke in front of a crowd and no one laughs. It’s the sound of crickets.

However, in most cases, if you actually know the person, it kinda makes sense that no one would respond to their shit.
Which leads me to…

4.) Who the fuck are your friends?
EXAMPLE “Only two weeks till the fun begins!”

There are a handful of people on Facebook that I’m friends with that I’m fairly certain are lonely friendless morons. However, whenever they post some dumb update about whatever they ate for lunch or some random shit like; “and you know that’s the truth! LOL! ROFL!” They get a ton of responses from people who are seemingly their close friends. It really confuses me because I know these people in real life and no one ACTUALLY likes them. By law, they’re tolerated by all those that cross their path, yet in Facebook land, they’re fucking prom queens and kings.

Go figure…I suppose it makes sense because losers tend to be way more tolerable on the internet.

5.) The fake poets.
EXAMPLE “melancholy melon balls lay atop the dusty table, but what do they know?”

Almost worse than giving vapid assholes a forum to write things, is giving artsy vapid assholes a forum to write things. Be it the people who leave one word updates that mean absolutely nothing to anyone or people who think it’s dope to drop some haiku hybrid they just barfed up about being at the beach. Either way, it sucks and makes you like that person just a little less with every typed letter.

I will say this about Facebook and status updates. I’ve learned a lot about people from them, for one, it turns out I don’t know the last name of tons of people I’m friends with. It also teaches me what people should not be on the internet as well as what people are just complete idiots in general. These are all valuable tools so I guess I should thank the wonderful world of social networks but I swear, mark my fucking words;

I will never Twitter. Seriously…never.

Or maybe I will. Fuck me. I just did.