The dangers of watching “The View”

Due to some buffalo wings I ate the night before, I woke unusually early the other day (for me, that’s 10 am…maaaaaad early). I gave up on trying to go back to sleep and decided to watch some TV. I’m flipping through channels and I come across “The View”. I’ve never watched “The View” , partly cause it’s on too early but also cause , well, why would i watch “The View”? I am neither menopausal or the owners of a small cat village in my apartment, so i don’t really fit their demographic. However, on that day, curiosity got the best of me, so I checked it out. I turn it on and the topic is the new study showing that gayness is indeed something you’re born with. The study showed that gay men and straight women have the same kind of brains while gay women and straight men also have the same kind of brains. I’m being vague about the whole “same kind of brains” thing but i wasn’t taking notes, so sue me. The bottom line is, it was scientifically proven. This is something i’ve kinda assumed forever. I mean, anyone who’s seen a gay kid knows that motherfucker isn’t making a choice. He doesn’t even like boys or girls yet but he’s definitely gay Anyone who denies this, I suggest you watch the new VH1 show about TLC’s Chilli finding love. There’s a scene with her and her 10 year old son who is so obviously gay, he might as well be one of the dudes from that “Men on film” skit back in the day on “In Living Color”.
Anyway, the ladies of “The View” are chatting about it. There are five of them. One of them is Whoopi. She’s kind of the voice of reason but more towards the center. While she believes in god, she also isn’t a fanatical about it. Next to her is Joy Behar who is a loud mouth jewish comedian. She’s the super left wing voice on the panel. I got the feeling she was shitting on religion altogether so she’s kinda my bitch out of all of them. Next to her is Sherri Shepard. She’s questionably mentally retarded and i think it’s a nice gesture to put people like her on TV. During the discussion , when asked if she thinks people are born gay , Sherpard responded “It’s something i struggle with every day. I ask god about it all the time”. This had me punching my pillow and screaming ” Oh, come on!” into it. Religious people like this are the stupidest human beings on the planet. You struggle with it? like literally having an internal debate? fucking idiot. And does god ever answer you? Maybe with a lightning bolt? arggghhh! that shit drives me insane. Next to her was that blonde girl from survivor who married jeff hassleback. She too is a very religious woman. When answering the same question as Sherri Shepard, she danced her way around it and admitted she believed it was from birth, but without actually saying “yes, i agree”. One thing she said was “i always love a good scientific study”. Thanks for the heads up, chief. That’s nice. can we get one of those now to prove there is no heaven and hell and that “gods word” is total bullshit? At one point, Shepard referred to the bible saying “no man shall lay with another man” as a reason to why she struggles with it. Then whoopi busted out all the other things that the bible “forbids” including sex (of any kind) and cursing your parents (which was said to be punishable by death). I think not eating shell fish is in there too. Good one god! Let those shrimp live, bro.
When are these simple motherfuckers gonna realize that the bible is not a rule book. If anything, it’s a guidebook…and it was written thousands of years ago by people who didn’t know shit about anything. They didn’t have refrigerators back then! They didn’t have even decent medicine! It’s not their fault. But following their lead is kinda like asking a 2 year old to run the country. THEY DIDN’T KNOW SHIT.
I mean, I’m obviously anti all of that shit. I get as much spiritual guidance from “the flavor of love” as I get from the bible. But if you’re the type of person that needs to read a book to give you guidance and answer life questions you cannot possibly answer, then go nuts. I’m not gonna fault anyone for that. By all means, read the bible. it’s basically the first self help book. But if you’re gonna do that, don’t forget, there are OTHER books that could do that for you. I hear “Chicken soup for the soul” is a real banger. However, if you, for one second believe that bible shit is FACT or any of that bullshit actually happened, kill yourself. Please, do all the rational people in the world a favor and kill yourself. Believing in a higher power is one thing. While i personally don’t believe in anything , I’m not gonna knock people who believe there is SOMETHING else out there. Not a god with a big white beard who judges all man from atop a shiny cloud in the sky but something. Taking the bible literally has pretty much been the downfall of this entire country. It’s a good thing we replaced the born again christian president cause things were getting a little hairy there on the “separation of church and state” front.

All this is why I cannot watch “The View”. Listening to these old bags squabble over shit like this is enough to make me lose sleep in the first place, let alone actually be sleepy and hear that shit with a hazy mind.

Oh, and I almost forgot, Barbara Walters was there too. When asked what she thought she flipped her skirt up and shot ping pong balls out of her pussy. Class act, that one.