Let’s talk Tinder (Female Edition)

Posted on December 17, 2024 by Blockhead

A While back, I wrote of my experiences on tinder as a newly single man. Here is that article for reference. As a man, I know that what I experience on tinder is nothing compared to what girls go through. Shit, just the other day, a girl I know sent me a screencap of her Instagram dm’s and it was literally a bouquet of dick pics sent to her by strangers. It’s crazy. So, I asked my good buddy (and Rogglecast podcast partner) Pollyne AKA po_lite to give me an idea of what it’s like to be a lady on Tinder. Not only did she do that, but she bought photographic examples. God bless her heart. So, here’s Pollyne , Talking tinder…

LET’S TALK TINDER

I can give you one word to sum up Tinder for a woman, EXHAUSTING. Honestly, even the thought of writing about it is exhausting; must be why i conveniently forgot Tony asked me to give him a female perspective on it back in the summer.
I have deleted Tinder sooooooo many fuckin times; and not in the way that you delete the phone number of an unhealthy hook up but in the way that you eventually cut off the drunk guy at the bar, who comes in every week. I download it out of boredom thinking that maybe it will be interesting and within a few weeks i am so disappointed with it that i delete it to make space on my phone for a kim kardashian game or some other worthless app. Why i keep re-downloading is more about my desire for self harm but that’s a whole other post, perhaps something to ask Dr. Tony. So, if i can reign this in enough and focus on some basic reasons why i swipe left i may yet show you what it’s like for a lady on Tinder.
First off, this app is exhausting for women because our desires are naturally more complex than most men. We see Tinder very differently than men do. Look, I’m not an idiot, I know the intent of an app that shows you 5 pictures of someone with a stoopid tagline about how much they are free-wheelin good time havin, fun honky tonk types or whatever, but there are easy pitfalls for women on Tinder. We find ourselves either looking for someone who is our physical ideal or someone who can attracts us with their dynamic personality, because let’s face it, we are also innately more physically attractive than men. This is problematic for me because if i can shop for a fuck, or for love, I’m gonna go for the good stuff.
It might happen that i could meet a few of these tinder prospects out at a bar and be more forgiving for a night or two but if im in the comfort of my own home with my sweatpants on and my fantasies intact, sober and alert, I’m not going to go for fat Brad Pitt or a bald dude in a Capt America shirt two sizes too small for his santacon bod.
But Hey, even me, on my super judgmental throne, at home, will eventually get bored of being picky and say ‘what the hell’ to a shit load of people. Honestly, depending on the mood i’m in, i could right swipe a skinny, lonely, milk-toast ,teacher, pedophile-lookin muthafucka.
So here are some pics of people i’ve denied virtually and a few I’ve humiliated via Instagram. God bless their souls.

1. Unattractive Pic

This is obviously the most common reason to reject someone. Tony touched on this and i dont understand why it happens so often but most people put up unflattering pictures of themselves. The nuance for women is that so many things can be deemed unattractive. Like a guy who posts only pics with girls in them to convince you that women will be seen with him, clearly wasted dudes, to a guy posing on a bed like he’s crouchin on a surfbort.

2. Overtly Athletic or Muscular Guys

The idea that a dude would make me engage in some extreme sport (any sport) on a date makes me get the heebie jeebies, and if a guy looks like he can bench press me, that sends the signal to my brain that he could also easily rape me or roll over onto me in his sleep and suffocate me to death. i’m not goin out like that.

3. Manicured Show Stoppers

Any guy that looks like he might stop traffic or has been on the Sex & the City tour is not going to get a positive reaction from me. I dont like the idea that a dude i’m hooking up with might spend more time putting his ensemble together than me or know more variations of the color orange than me.

4. Serial Killer Types

You would be surprised at how many guys don’t even care to hide the fact that they would murder you if you went out with them.

5.Cut & Paste Messages

I’ve received multiple messages that look like they were copied off of dating one-liner books with the name of the woman he sent it to before me still in there. i have also received multiple messages with insane grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. It may seem harsh to judge someone on these things but when someone is this inattentive to reeling you in imagine how lazy the will be when goin down on you.

6. Guy Who Obviously Is in a Relationship

Of course it’s possible to hide this but there are dudes on Tinder who are so obviously on a work trip in a hotel away from some sad woman who settled for him in high school/college/or the next cubicle over.

7. Guys Lying About Their Age

This happens tooooo much on here and is soooo absurd. I dont understand people who lie about their age but it’s not jsut for women anymore. hahaha. everyone is vain self hating and pathetic these days.

8. Soulful Musicians

When TV has exhausted a stereotype then it’s gonna look pretty silly in real life when you try to pose with your guitar lookin like some Jason Mraz type bitch. May as well just put up a pic of you bartending, it’s way more attractive.

9. Guys Trying to Impress

Ummm Yeah you in that classy suit, you work in a suit shop, surgeon in the middle of operating…hmm isn’t that a lawsuit waiting to happen? Fireman leaving the scene of a fire with clear PTSD…yikes

10. Sleezebuckets

Obviously guys who look like they could be on the SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd who play two wild n crazy guys (look it up ignoramus) or a night at the roxbury or a mullet head redneck or skrillex lovers or pomade addicts are never going to put a woman at ease.
(pic of dude in plaid blazer and redneck mullet dude)

Putting a woman at ease; really that’s the whole trick to getting into a woman’s pants. make her feel attractive listen to what she says, make her feel comfortable, be slightly witty and if you can’t do that be really clean and you will get laid.
It’s not that difficult, and most women are not set on dying alone like me. Good luck fellas; Hang in there ladies!

Answers for questions vol. 258

Posted on September 28, 2024 by Blockhead

How bout some bunnies on a monday?!?!
Hi there everyone. Welcome to another edition of “Answers for questions”! You ask me anything, and I will try my best to give you my answer. I always need more questions to get creative and shoot me some shit. Send questions to phatfriendblog@gmail.com or leave the questions in the comment section below.
This week is a funny batch cause there are a LOT of tinder related questions. I didn’t ask for them but they came. I did my best to be honest.

Have any of your Tinder dates gone awry (just go horribly, been catfished, etc.)?

I haven’t had many dates from tinder yet. But the few I did went fine. To be honest, Tinder has led to way more “texting with girls” than it has actual hanging out. I think everyone on both sides is generally a little more careful about actually putting themselves out there for a real meet up situation.
As for catfishing…I’ve come across a lot of spam account but this one time I was writing with this girl and she was like “Hey, I’m about to close my Tinder profile, find me on facebook so we can keep talking…”
I was like “okay” but , when I thought about it for a second , it made no sense for her to literally cancel her entire tinder profile at that very moment. I got curious as to what was going on so I followed up on Facebook. She was foreign, so her english was kind of iffy. We were talking and I think I said something like “I’m glad you’re not a fake account cause i’ve come across those before” and she started acting really weird. I don’t know if , perhaps, she was lost in translation but she kept being like “You’re being weird…”. I was not at all being weird. In fact, I was being super polite and trying to explain what I meant and how it wasn’t a harmful comment. But, the more I did that, the more she was like “This makes me uncomfortable!” and eventually she just unfriended me and blocked me. It was bizarre. I gotta think something was going on over there but I never figured it out. People are so crazy on the internet you can’t really put anything past anyone.

What’s your approach on Tinder? Do you have just a normal selfie? Do you have pictures of you with cute little animals like puppies or kittens? Do you have you being all athletic? etc. etc.
I don’t do any of that shit. I have normal photos of me being normal. A few of them are on the funny side of things.
I gotta say, the longer I’ve been on it the less seriously I take it. Which says a lot cause I never took it that seriously to begin with. I look at it far less now than I did when I first got on it. It kinda just becomes stale after a while. Nowadays, I use iy to pass time while I’m shitting. I barely swipe right on anyone and don’t go in with any intentions of ever talking to anyone. I mean if I match and someone hollers at me, sure but that doesn’t really happen. So, I’d say my approach is one of a person who doesn’t really give a shit about it anymore.

Yo Block, not to beat a dead horse about the whole Tinder thing, but have any women on there recognized you as Blockhead? If so, what have the conversations been like? Also, are you looking forward to touring as a single man again?
I just want to point out that all three of these questions came from separate people , in this order. I didn’t ask for Tinder related questions. It’s actually amazing so many readers could be so linked up in their train of thought.
I haven’t had many people recognize me as “Blockhead” on tinder. I certainly don’t promote myself on there. But, thing is, I’m only dealing with people I match with and that in itself is a rarity so the pool is already pretty shallow. A few girls I spoke to , when the conversation comes around to what we do for a living, have been like “Oh, no way! I’ve heard of you…” once I tell them who I am but, for the most part, nobody knows or cares.

As for touring as a single man…yeah, I am looking forward to it. Kinda scared to be honest cause I have only been really single once in my life while touring and never in the way I tour now. I’m more curious of how it’s gonna work and how I will react to it. Part of me is excited and ready to be a debauched scum bag but the other part of me is somewhat realistic and knows that I do have a ceiling to how wild I can get and what my comfort zone is. I’m too old for after parties and chasing ass till 6 am after a show. I suppose there will have to be a happy medium. Funny thing is, as you get older with touring, sleep is more important than anything so I can definitely see myself passing up opportunities in exchange for a full nights rest.

Where you there the night referenced by aesop rock on “Tv On 10″? That shit’s crazy. The closest experience i have to that is my wife telling me her dad died that night suddenly. We were thirty-ish. I can’t imagine at 18. ” holey fucking shit”

That was at my house. I am “Tony” in that song. A little background on it…
A bunch of people were hanging out at my place. My spot was pretty much a clubhouse back then. People would come over smoke weed, get fucked up and just chill till late. That particular day, there were 5 people hanging. Just taking bong hits and watching tv. Aes was there, among others. At some point, a news report pops on the screen about a swiss air plane crash in Nova scotia. We didn’t think much about it so we kept switching the channels. As some point, another friend says “hmm…my mom was on a swiss air flight…” All of us, who were stoned and dumb, we like “Nah, it wasn’t her plane it crashed in Nova Scotia” (stoner logic: Planes only crash where they’re flying to). But, cause he was curious we kept watching the news. As details leaked out, it started to seem like his worry was actual possible. He went into my bedroom and called his dad. He was in there for like 45 minutes and all of us started feeling uneasy. It became clear that this was actually happening. It was one of the most fucked up situations I have ever been involved in. He came eventually out the bedroom, visibly shaken and was like “Yo, I gotta go…” hopped on his bike and left. The rest of us were just left there with out mouths open asking “What the fuck just happened?”. It was awful.

7 years ago while I was in high school I rocked the freshest shirts. Always would buy xl because I was raised with the baggy look even though my friends drifted towards the skinny slim fit style.

Fast forward 7 years to the present, I’m 6’0″ 170 lbs and I’ve entered the professional world. In an effort to look more “put together” I started wearing size L. Thing is With my body shape and the combined 0 minutes of daily exercise, my beer belly and slight figure of man boobs shows through the size L. Now the easy answer is jog for 20 minutes and do some push-ups fatty, but I don’t see that happening,

Is it a better look to wear a tighter fitting L and let my luscious lumps peak through? Or wear the baggier XL and look for lesser words like a “slob”?

I mean…damned if you do damned if you don’t. Wearing tight shit that shows off your pear body isn’t gonna do much for you but being the baggy shirt wearing guy in 2015 is gonna have a similar effect. I’d say you have to wear what you’re more comfortable in. Both are problematic but , at the very least, if you’re wearing the baggy shirts, you feel a little less self conscious all the time.
But, seriously, take some pride in yourself and exercise. If it’s bad now , you don’t wanna see what happens when you’re in your 30’s. You’re in your mid 20’s now. That weight will fly off if you apply yourself a little. A beer belly is one thing but tits on a dude are a dangerous thing to have at your age.

You’re a very good writer. Did you become a good writer by reading a lot? Or would you say it all just comes naturally to you?

Can’t tell if this question is being snarky or if it’s actually a compliment.
But, i can tell you, I do not read a lot. Never have. My relationship with reading is a turbulent one. Well, for one, reading killed my father. Just kidding. No, but seriously, reading has never really taken for me. I mean, I can read. I’m capable of it but , in general, I get bored very easily. When I have read books, I don’t get any joy out them. They feel like a task. I’ll be reading a page and my mind with start drifting. five minutes will pass and I will have read a few pages and have no idea what happened cause I was essentially just reading words without absorbing any of their meaning cause my mind was elsewhere. Even when I have gotten through books, I never really feel one way or another. I generally forget them within minutes of putting them down. I don’t know what it is. I used to think it was cause I had A.D.D. but , the reality is, I’m capable of focusing when I want to. I just don’t ever want to when it comes to sitting down and cracking open a book.
So, the way I write is pretty much how I think. That’s probably why these columns can be so meandering and full of errors. I’m not basing my style of writing on the work of others and i have very little to compare and contrast with. So, for better or worse, I write like this.

Would you rather eat a plate full of hair or a plate full of scabs. Both are your own.
😦
If they are my own, I’mma go with scabs. As gross as it is, hair would just be too hard to eat, chew and swallow. Scabs at least would be easier to put down. I could just take them down like dry ass oysters. Also, as a kid, I’m pretty sure I ate a scab or two. They were salty. I could handle that.

Let’s talk Tinder

Posted on July 29, 2024 by Blockhead

So, a few weeks ago, I joined Tinder. I am recently single but I’d be lying if I said my intention was to actually meet people on there. Tinder was always something I had heard about, as a guy in a relationship, that made me curious. I had been out of the game so long that , in the span of my relationship, internet dating had become not only acceptable but the thing to do. Sure, there was E-harmony and Match.com back when I was single but , with Tinder, it seemed like the walls of dating sites had been broken down. Fuck all the match making and dating metrics, let’s judge a book by it’s cover. in my mind, it was Grindr for straight people. A place where low lives meet up, that’s slightly more respectable than craigslist intimate encounters at 5 am. Well, clearly, i was mistaken. Perhaps there was a time when Tinder was the meat market it was meant to be but those days are long gone. That said, seeing that I’m more on it for the social experiment aspect of it than then “having sex with strangers” aspect, it’s been a lot of fun. I’ve learned a lot. I figured it might be fun to tell you all what i’ve learned from Tinder….In list form! Also, just to be clear, this is just what I’ve seen as a guy. I’m sure what females see is truly fucking awful. For that reason, I plan on getting that perspective for a future installment. Stay tuned…

1)Women ,apparently, LOVE whiskey

I will say that , in about 4 out of every 10 profiles I check out, there is a girl bragging about how much she loves whiskey. Now, i know some girls in real life that enjoy a whiskey but it’s definitely not a point of introduction for any of them. This leads me to think that the women writing that they love whiskey are doing so as to put forth an image. An image of a girl who can hang with the BOYZ! On some “Oh, you prefer whiskey to a cosmo?!?! you must be the coolest fucking person on earth!”
Again, I have no issue with ladies enjoying whiskey, I just think it’s a weird trait to single out. It would be like promoting that you love a good steak or know how to fist fight. That’s cool and all but leading with that kinda thing as a defining characteristic is a little odd to me.

2)Transexuals look good these days

I swear to god and satan, the amount of times I’ve clicked on a pic to get a better look , to find out it’s a transexual is crazy. These ladies really put themselves together. Granted, once I realize there’s a second penis involved i don’t look much deeper but props to them for looking that good and also for being honest. A large portion of these trans ladies could easily fool most guys on tinder. Granted, that could result in harm on their person if they do it to the wrong guy but still, the honesty is refreshing.

3)People who write “No hook ups!” on tinder are fucking boring

Listen, this isn’t a real dating site. I mean, it is…but it’s the one where you judge people 100% off of their looks.Tinder is shallow on purpose. To sign up and be legitimately looking for a soul mate isn’t crazy, but it’s short sided. I understand the need to weed out the creeps only looking for sex on sight (as , I’m sure tinder is about 85% that, in terms of dudes) but the overtures towards meeting the love of your life on tinder are kinda ridiculous. I’m sure it can happen. I’m sure plenty of people met the love of their life on tinder. The same way plenty of people have met the love of their life drunk at a bar. I have a friend who’s been married for 12 years who met his wife as a one night stand. When he woke up, he didn’t remember her name. They’ve been together ever since. I’m just saying, setting up limits for yourself seems to defeat the purpose and, once again, this is Tinder. One of the lower forms of dating sites. I see that “No hook ups” I swipe left cause, clearly, you’re doing it wrong. Never forget…on tinder. It’s never THAT serious.

4)I am a type

This has probably been the most sobering realization for me. I swipe all sorts of girls. various races, sizes, hair colors. I don’t discriminate at all. Not to say I’m not selective , cause i am. But the matches I get have really clarified my target audience. That audience? Brown haired white girls. That’s it. occasionally a latina girl with sneak in there but, in general, that’s who swipes back at me. No blonde girls. No black girls. No asian girls. Just brown haired girls. I mean, I love me some brunettes and all but what the fuck? I need to start working out or something. Maybe wearing a suit all the time? Who knows…

5)The longer the profile, the less I care.

I got lots of respect for girls who don’t write a word in their profile. Mystery is good.
On the other side of things, we got girls who think a tinder profile is there chance to work on that novella they’ve been thinking about. Whether it’s faux deep quotes from famous people or a 4 paragraph synopsis of them as a person, it’s never interesting and it never doesn’t seem like some vapid assholes yearbook page. I have no issue with ones that are bullet points, cause that’s direct. But once they get into writing prose? I mentally check out in a way only known by those monks who meditate for weeks on end.

6)Pets are deal breaker

Now, it’s a known fact that I loath cats. That said, I don’t think a cat is a deal breaker. I mean, I’m allergic to them but it can be worked around. However, for some people, the first thing they write is that you must love cats or dogs. They often write this before they even admit to having a child or not. Pets are serious business!

You know what, on second thought, I think having a cat might actually be a deal breaker for me. Not as much as the girl having kids, but close.

7)People don’t know how to pick pictures

So many demented smiles. So many pics of the same two or more girls together so you have no clue who’s profile you’re looking at (here’s a hint it’s always the wackest looking one), so many pics of people making the exact same face , over and over until you question if the person is, in fact, a wax statue. I feel as though , with tinder pics, you can go one of two ways
a)put your best foot forward
b)be a little wacky
Doing “a” means putting a pic that looks like you but is flattering. I feel as though this is the obvious choice and it leads me to believe that a lot of people don’t realize how cracked out they look when they smile. This is where your friends should step in a maybe pick a picture for you.
If you do “b”, you’re very likely eliminating a huge portion of people who might swipe right but, then again, maybe you don’t want those shallow people liking you in the first place.
Also, it’s nice to see the old myspace camera trick of taking a pic from above that makes you look 70 pounds lighter is still in effect. I missed that.

8)no love in the dm’s

I haven’t really gone to hard with conversing with any of my matches. A few here and there. But, when I have, I have noticed that there is no room for bullshit. You say one thing they deem boring and the convo stops. In fact, that’s literally how every exchange I’ve had has gone. We go back a forth like 4 or 5 times and they girls checks out. Granted, I can’t say I’ve been interesting or charming (this whole thing is still a work in progress for me) but, man…they speed in which you can get cut off is incredible. No wonder dudes start the conversations with overt sexual harassment. I guess they figure they’re gonna get shut down anyway so they might as well swing for the fences. Granted, those guys are pieces of shit but, you know, I kinda get it on some level.

9)The beauty of misguided self awareness

In most profiles I read , a girl will refer to her dark sense of humor and how funny she is. Here’s a fun fact, no funny person has every promoted how funny they are. If you’re actually funny, you write funny things. That’s how that works. This isn’t just a female thing either, I’m sure guys do this just as much , if not more
I find this sort of baseless self promotion hilarious. To really believe it, I’mma need a few testimonials from acquaintances at the very least. Perhaps a picture of you in a clown suit? Something other than your word.

10)Tindering takes over your brain

I’m not the first person to say this but, after being on tinder for a few days, it starts to transfer into real life. Walking down the street, swiping in my mind. It’s like the grand theft auto of dating sites.
A funny thing about it all is that, in person, I’m far less picky. When you see a real breathing human in front of you, their nuances come out. The subtle attractiveness peeks through. Looking at pictures, you only get a vague idea. Sure, someone may be photogenic but maybe they’re a hunchback or they have an awful laugh. It’s really a dice roll. For that reason alone, i can only take tinder so seriously. I suppose that’s more a defense mechanism but still…in the world of cyber “dating”, you gotta be somewhat careful on all fronts.

The Top 10 things people write that make me swipe left
1) I belong to the lord
2)No hook ups
3)I have a penis
4)i have kids
5)a poem of some sort
6)when they give a checklist of what kind of guy you need to be
7)anything “sex in the city” related
8)Looking for a sugar daddy
9)Must love cats
10)Looking for my knight in shining armor

Phat Friend

Sweeping generalizations and unicorns

Tag Archives: tinder

Let’s talk Tinder (Female Edition)

Answers for questions vol. 258

Let’s talk Tinder