My top ten most slept on rap albums (89-2000)

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It’s a snow day in NYC. For real, it’s not even that bad out but the city is shut down so , for what it’s worth, I’m snowed in. Anyway, a few days ago someone tweeted me about my top ten albums. I’m not a fan of decisive lists like that but I figured I would meet him halfway and list ten albums from back in the days that I consider to be very slept on. These are in no particular order and it’s all over the place but I hope you guys can find something on here you might have missed that will tickle your fancy. If not, hey, blow me! These are all in the realm of personal classics to me.

1)Bushwackass- How reall israel? (1994)
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There are layers to this album for me. Personal layers.
When I was 15, I used to help this dude write rhymes and give him samples so his producer could make beats. He was older and was pretty much my mentor with this rap shit. One time, he invited me to come to the studio with him and his friends to watch them record. I was super excited cause this would be my first foray into any such thing. So, I went to a part of brooklyn I had never even heard of at the time (BK in the early 90’s was a VERY different beast than it is now) and pretty much just posted up on a couch with a 40 while these dudes made a song. At one point, a crew of other guys showed up. They were a lot more thugged out than the guys I knew and not exactly welcoming to my 15 year old white ass.
Anyway, the made the song and then all the guys who were there wanted to cypher in the booth. They took turns and it got to one of the thugged out dudes and he basically spit a whole verse damning the white man while looking directly at me. Hmm…cool. About a week later, I would learn those guys were the Bushwackass and that guy went by the name Fish b. one. You would think that would make me not want to listen to them but…nope! Not only did I listen to the album, I fucking loved it. Fast paced thugged out rhymes over a selection of beats I still hold up to anything else from that era.
A year or two later, when I went to college and discovered the internet, I was on a hip hop newsgroup. I ended up chatting with this dude who turned out to be one of the producers of some of the songs on this album (Sam ewing). He was super friendly and actually gave me a ton of tips on how to make beats that were eventually very helpful. Who knew?
Did I mention they were black israelites? There’s that too. Shalom!!
My favorite cuts:


2)Grand Daddy IU-Smooth assassin (1991)
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When this album came out, Cold chillin’ records was pretty much as good as it got. In my eyes, they didn’t put out wack shit. So, without knowing anything about who Grand Daddy IU was, I copped this on sight. Looking back, it’s easy to write off IU as a try hard mix between Big Daddy Kane and Rakim. His booming low voice and tendency to rap for the ladies definitely stunk of Kane but his word play and flow were more like Rakim. Regardless, if you’re gonna sound like anyone, those are two guys I would recommend. Especially in 91.
Here’s the thing though, I think this album hold up. It’s got classic beats and loops all over it and Grand Daddy IU can definitely rap. He went with a more jazzy mood than either Kane or Rakim every did. In my eyes, it set them apart enough to be judged on his own merit.
My Favorite cuts:


3)Da Lench Mob- Guerillas in tha mist (1992)
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Inside the cover for Ice Cube’s classic album “Amerikka’s most wanted” , there was a list of names. Those were the people in his crew known as Da Lench mob. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. People big upped their crews all the time and nothing came of it. A few years passed whole new Ice cube album came out before a word of the Lench mob had been spoken. They were featured on the song “Color blind”, off that album. Another year passed and, finally, a video popped up for “Guerillas in tha mist”. It’s was angry. It was heavy. It was simple. The Lench mob consisted of a few rappers. Mostly Jay-dee. He was the main guy. But shorty and T-bone chimed in on occasion as well. Ice cube also made his presence felt on this album , guesting on a bunch of cuts as well as executive producing the entire album (Much like he did on Del’s debut “I wish my brother Georgie was here”).
As an album, it is packed with dope songs. Great beats that balance between classic muggs beats, to P-funk influenced tracks to some even jazzy sounding stuff. The rapping, while not exactly brilliant, works for me cause it was so intense. These guys had a message.
My favorite cuts:


4)Hard Knocks- School or hard knocks (1992)
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Back in the day, The Source was a bible for all hip hop heads. I’d get turned on to local stuff via radio shows and video shows but, in general, being in the source was the best promotion for any rapper. Often, they would review albums well before they were released which, depending on the review, might build some serious anticipation for an album. Nas’ “Illmatic” is an example of that. Another example , for me at least, was this album. Bronx duo “Hard Knocks” came out of nowhere…and , honestly, vanished just as quickly. I first heard them on a compilation the source gave away to magazine subscribers. The song “Nigga for hire” jumped out at me. The beat was great but the rapper is what caught me. He was clearly angry but he rapped in a monotone, mellow voice. I had never heard anyone do that before. I couldn’t even tell if I liked it but I was definitely intrigued by it.
When the album came out, I copped it and was very happy with my purchase. Great beats all over this album. Dynamic and varied. I can’t say the guy was a lyrical genius or even that great a rapper but he rapped in a very distinct style that was unusual and interesting. I recall the source comparing him to Guru and I can definitely see that. But , like, if Guru was angry about everything. I have no clue what ever happened to these guys but it’s too bad. They were onto something.
My favorite cuts:


5)LL cool J- Walking with a panther (1989)
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You’re probably thinking “What the fuck is LL cool J doing on a slept on album list?”. I feel you. This album probably sold a million copies but, to me, it’s still slept on immensely. Hear me out…
When people talk about LL Cool J’s legacy, they talk about his first two albums and “mama said knock you out”, which was considered a “comeback” album on the heels of this album. People HATED this album. In every review, they spoke of LL cool J’s ego spiraling out of control and how he had gone to far. This album was certainly LL at his most hedonistic. But, to me, that’s what makes it so great. He’s talking THE MOST shit on this album. Coupled with him being at the pinnacle of his rapping career, I’d say this an undeniable classic in braggadocia rapping. Problem is…it had some REALLY bad songs on it. I think that’s were the kick back came from. The album has 18 cuts on it.about 12 of those are fucking awesome. There are a few meh joints but…man, there are 4 or 5 truly awful songs. Love songs. Ballads. Just despicable music. I get that backlash…but people went way overboard and missed out on what I consider to be LL’s best work ever. In my eyes, this was not the album where he fell off, it was the album where he went balls to the wall (probably very coked up at the time) and not everything landed. But when it did? It was amazing.
My favorite cuts:


6)Young Bleed- My own (1999)
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Prior to Young Bleed, I had a rocky relationship with southern rap. It was the late 90’s. Master P and Cash money had pretty much offended my obnoxious purist rap soul. I loved older stuff from the south but the new wave just didn’t sit right with me. I don’t think my ears were ready for beats with no samples. Also, a good deal of it was actually really bad. That said, I definitely was quick to dismiss it when I should have listened closer. Well, this album was a turning point for me. I first learned of Young Bleed while watching Rap City. They played a video of his that fascinated me. It was just so fucking cheap. Like , literally shot on camcorder in the era of million dollar music videos. It caught my eye. The more it came on, the more I listened. The more I listened, the more I realized “hmm…this guy is kinda dope”. Then, randomly, this kid I used to trade music with sent me his whole album. I didn’t even ask for it. I put it on and , right away, knew this album was special. Bleed’s rapping style was similar to 50 cent. Mellow and reserved but somehow ferocious at the same time. But so very very southern. Like I could imagine the whole thing being recorded in an outhouse. What made this album for me, though, was the production. Bleed’s earlier albums definitely had great songs on them but I didn’t love the beats. On this, his producers melded that southern bounce with great samples and really tasteful synth stuff. To this day, it’s easily one of my favorite albums ever to come out of the south.
My favorite cuts:


7)Positive K- Skills dat pay da bills
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Positive K was always one of those rappers I never understood why he didn’t see more success. His music was tailor made to succeed in that era. He had dope beats, a great personality and he could rap. Sure, “I gotta man” was a huge hit off this album but it almost seemed to make him into a novelty rap act. Gimmicks giveth and taketh away I suppose.
I first heard Positive K when he was on “I’m not havin’ it” with MC Lyte. Didn’t think much of him but then he was featured on Brand Nubians debut album and my curiosity was peaked. About a year after that, he released the song and video for “Nightshift” , which is pretty much one of the greatest rap songs of it’s era. It’s perfect. The beat, the rhymes and big daddy kane popping pimp shit on the hooks.
When this album dropped, I was all over it. He showed far more versatility than I expected and an ear for really good beats. Like many albums from that era, one of it’s downsides was it’s length. People didn’t know how to self edit back then, I guess. But, all things considered, it’s a great album that pretty much no one ever brings up when talking about great albums from the early 90’s. Well, motherfucker, I am!
My favorite cuts:


8)Field Mob: Ashy To classy (2000)
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Here’s one that I can entirely thank Rap city for. In NYC, we weren’t privy to new southern rap. All we would see or hear was on tv. The video for “Project Dreamz” popped on one day and I was mesmerized. In particular, the second rapper Shawn Jay. I was blown away. Even listening to it now that verse still gets me. He found a way to balance an almost cartoonish voice with a crazy flow and actual great lyrical content.His partner, Smoke, was even more cartoonish but still a great addition when put next to Jay.
The album is a nice mix of bragging, stories and basic shit talking over Southern beats that didn’t sound cheap or flimsy.
My favorite cuts:


9)Da King and I- Contemporary Jeep music (1993)
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This is the one album on the list that might be a little dated if you listen to it now. There was an era of rap where people were obsessed with styling. Using their voices in odd ways to set themselves apart from the pack. Trendz of culture did it, Akinyele did it, Das Efx did it. It was a thing. I , personally, loved it all at the time but I’d be lying if I said those style choices have aged well.
In the case of Da King and I, MC Izzy Ice, danced on that line. Yes, he was very animated but he still retained enough of that late 80’s/early 90’s straight forward rapping style that it saved this album for me, upon revisiting it. In fact, Izzy had a great voice and lot of character on the mic. Beat wise, this was a product of it’s era. Tons of jazz samples, filtered basslines and hard drums. That shit is forever in my book so it’s not like it will play out. Sure, doing those kinda beats in 2015 is lame but, for that era, this was a really well produced album.
My favorite cuts:


10)Willie D- I’m Goin out like a soldier (1992)
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God, do I love this album. So much. Willie D is probably my favorite rapper of all time. Not to be confused with the “best rapper”. He’s just as entertaining as it gets and this album is pure, unfiltered Willie D at his best. He’s talking shit about everything and everyone. He throws shots at NWA, Rodney King, and Paula Abdul cause, you know, why the fuck not?
Granted , this album in not a front to back banger. There are some definite misses. But, overall? It’s the best collection of concentrated Willie D you will ever find. “Trenchcoats n gangsta hats” is seemingly his life’s manifesto and it’s got like 7 verses. I would marry this album.
My favorite cuts:


Top 10 types of people I meet at shows.

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I’m heading out for three quick dates in the northwest tomorrow (vancouver, seattle and portland, what’s up!?!) and that got me thinking about all the types of people I come across when I tour. A veritable shmorgasbord of folks. I’d say 90-95% of them are cool. I have genuinely nice chats with people. They’re pleasant , gracious and sometimes very cool. So, this is in no way taking shots at my fans. I’m lucky to have any of you motherfuckers. That said, I can’t front…there are patterns in behaviour I can’t ignore. No matter where I play, what part of the world, what time in the year, every show brings out certain specific types of people. If you read this blog, you know I’m a fan of sweeping generalizations. Hell, it’s in the header. So, I figured it would be fun to list the top ten types of people I meet at shows. Perhaps you’ve seen these people at other shows (This list surely isn’t just applicable to my fanbase at all) or maybe you’ve been one of these people at some point in your life? Either way…trust me when I tell you that on any given night AT LEAST 6 of these people are at every show I’ve done in the last 5 years. Let’s get into it, in no specific order.
(also it should be noted that none of the pics I used below are people i’ve met or known Just random shit I found via google image searches)

1)Local mover and shaker/promoter
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By far the most common person I come across is this guy. He’s got his feet barely planted in whatever city I’m in’s local music scene. He didn’t promote the show I’m currently playing but he has big ideas for the future. Typically, they involve bringing me back to this city in the near future and playing in some sort of tiny lounge he works at for a small amount of money. Now, there is nothing wrong with these dudes (cause, without promoters , I don’t play anywhere) but it is telling when I tell them to holler at my booking agent, they recoil. That’s a bad sign. Any promoter who tries to book shows “on the side” is never a good look. That’s like a girl trying to bone you and then when you tell them “sounds good but I gotta go get some condoms” and they’re like “oh, really? hmm…lemme get back to you about that then…”.
The funny thing about these dudes is they’re everywhere, no matter how small the scene. It could be some backwoods town in eastern europe or in L.A., it doesn’t matter. They’re always the same guy. That said, I’m sure this guy eventually becomes a “real” promoter at some point and this is just his larva stage. Turns out, larva can be pretty annoying.

2)Random old person
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To be clear, I’d consider myself a random old person at one of my own shows…but I digress.
At every show there is someone I meet who I’m shocked to see out. Not cause they shouldn’t be out but simply cause I can’t fathom going to the kinda show I do when I’m in my 40’s/50’s. It’s actually kinda awesome to see someone like that at one of my shows cause I know they’ll get a ton of the references I play during my set that flies over the heads of the typical 20-something. These people are always super nice and have a relaxed air about them. Sometimes, there is a definite cougar aspect to the ladies as I’ve found that the most brash sexual advances I’ve ever had thrown at me have been from women in their late 40’s/early 50’s. On some “Honey, you need an woman with experience…” type shit accompanied by some flirty eyes that were probably the shit in the 80’s. I won’t lie, it kinda grosses me out but it’s never not flattering. Imagine how a dude like Tom Jones must feel…

3)girl on molly who wants a million hugs
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Molly wasn’t a thing at my shows until the last five years. Now it’s pretty much a staple. It’s not hard to spot the people that are rolling. Aside from a clenched jaw, the clothes are a dead giveaway. You’re wearing a furry animal hat indoors but also wearing what looks like a cave woman bikini? You’re on molly. I know this. Throw in a hula hoop over your shoulder and you might as well walk around with a sign. Now, as someone who did Molly recently, i get it. It makes you feel great. Touching is awesome. So, it’s no surprise when I’m chilling at the merch booth and I am asked to give hugs to girls on Molly. Typically they’re super festive (duh, they’re rolling their brains out), kinda sweaty (they’ve been dancing) and a little manic. The thing about working my own merch booth is that I’m pretty much a sitting duck. If someone decides they wanna hang out by me all night, they can do that if they so desire. So, Molly girls do what molly girls do. The happily float around the room spreading love. This means, they do a lap, get a hug, go dance, do another lap, get another hug and so on and so on. There’s nothing wrong with it but watching the pattern is always entertaining to me.

4)The fearless collaborator
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This one is ballsy and at EVERY show. This is the person who also makes music , meets you (me) and figures , fuck it, we should work together. Why? Cause I make music and he makes music. why the fuck not? It’s not like I have specific interests musically and tend to only work with people I know/respect. Fuck all that, right? Nope…this guy is so confidant in his craft that he pretty much assumes he can walk up to the guy who’s show he’s come to see and a musical duo will be formed even though I’ve never heard what he does and we just met. The balls that takes is impressive. Often, I don’t even think it’s balls as much as that person just having no clue how things work. I suppose you could file it under “networking” but that’s kinda like filing rape under “dating”. I simply can’t get into the headspace of someone who does this. I mean, I get WHY they do it, i just can’t fathom ever being that type of person. Just a heads up to these types: in general, no one who’s even a little bit established is trying to collaborate with a stranger. That just doesn’t happen. Sorry. Nothing personal. But the fact that both you and I make music doesn’t automatically mean we’re compatible. it just means we stand under the same , humungous umbrella, along with ,like, millions or other people.

5)drunk guy
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Oh, the drunk guy. Good old drunk guy. There are many variations of this guy at every show but one common theme remains…he’s a fucking mess. He slurs compliments, repeats himself over and over, gives 1000 pounds. He spills beer on your merch table. He interrupts other people you’re talking to under the guise that he’s helping you. He’s a disaster. We’ve all been there. The thing about drunk guy is that there is nothing you can do with him. He’s fragile and unpredictable. Say the wrong thing and he’s mad. politely ask him to chill, he could lose his shit. With these guys, you must be delicate. You kinda just have to let them run their course like a flu. My way is to just nod and say yes until they run out of shit to say and hopefully wander away from the merch table. This can be a long process cause, like I mentioned above, the amount of shit they repeat is truly amazing. I’ve literally had a dude sloppily tell me I “changed his life” about 50 times, each time giving me a pound afterwards. It was like groundhogs day but over the course of 15 minutes. The irony was I’m pretty sure he had heard maybe 3 of my songs ever.
Sufficed to say, these dudes are kinda the worst.

6)Drunk girl
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Not to be out done, the drunk girl is it’s own beast. While they don’t tend to corner you and repeat compliments forever, they do have a sense of entitlement rarely seen in people who aren’t billionaires. This transcends shows but the amount of girls who have come up to me and assumed I would just give them free shit cause they own vaginas is astounding.
In general, I find drunk girls at shows go two ways. Drunk and in love or drunk and angry. The love girls are basically just sloppy flirters who, in reality, don’t even really wanna make shit pop off. They’re just there with drunk googly eyes talking shit. They’re kinda fun and pretty easy to manage. The angry drunk girls though…it’s like getting brief glimpse into what it’s like to be this girls boyfriend. So many feelings. So much confusion. These girls are not as common but then they rear their head, I try and get away as quick as possible. Luckily for me, when they’re drunk and angry, it’s usually cause of something else so they’re easily distracted.

7)The guy who hangs around the merch table, saying he’s gonna buy shit but never does, still he hangs out all night
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This is pretty much either the worst kind of indecisive person or a male groupie. This dude hangs HARD. He asks tons of questions about the merch, picks it up, looks at the back, says he’s gonna find an ATM and then comes back in five minutes to repeat the same cycle. Now, this doesn’t really bother me that much. I get the feeling that most of these dudes are just guys that wanna kick it a little and are nervous just blatantly doing so. Or, they’re dudes in serious financial binds that have them in deep contemplation as to whether spending $20 on a record is gonna put them out on the street. Either way, these guys are generally harmless. And wishy washy. They’re wishy washy as fuck.

8)Disappointed hippie
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The emergence of hippies at my shows has been a weird one. I realize it’s all an off shoot of the burner crowd. It’s generally fine with me. Hippies are typically nice and accepting. And high. However, every now and then I’ll meet one and we’ll get to talking. A minute or so into it, it will become clear to this guy/girl that I’m not exactly on that same page. I don’t care about crystals , i don’t love going to festivals and I’m not even really a fan of nature. Keep in mind, I’m always nice about it and this convo never gets super awkward but there is something a little heartbreaking about seeing the twinkle in a hippies eye dim as they realize “Oh, this guy is just some city loving asshole…”. It’s a look I’m so very familiar with. So much so that i try and just not let it happen any more. In fact, I’ll treat most rambling hippies like I do drunk guys. Let them run their course. Accept the crystals. Nod approvingly and wait for them to finish. It can be time consuming but that look is crushing and I’d like to avoid it as much as possible.

9)mystery drug guy/girl
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Seeing people at shows I have become hyper aware of what drugs people are on. I can tell a cokey guy from a molly guy from a stoner guy with pin point precision. Every now and then though, I’ll come across someone on some whole other shit. Is it a drunk girl on shrooms? Is it some guy in the midst of a DMT trip trying to speak? I have no idea. The thing about these types is that lack of knowing makes them wild cards. I know how to deal with specific druggy people but these guys? No clue. In general, I find myself on the defense with them just out of safety.
The other day I was at this show and this girl started talking to me. she was slurring her words and doing the “repeat the same sentiment over and over again” thing. At first, I assumed she was just wasted. But she had an edge to her fucked-upness that felt different. Eventually she said “hey, do you want a cut of me?” huh? I thought it was the strangest sexual offer ever but then she repeated herself “Do you want some ketamine?”
Ohhhhhhhhh! Mystery solved.

10)guy who’s never heard me or my music but wants to do business with me
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This fucking guy. Much like the local promoter guy and the fearless collaborator, this dude is just shooting first and asking questions later. This is how it starts:
He comes up to the merch booth with a friend. His friend introduces us and he says “I’ve never heard your stuff before but my friend thinks I’ll like it”. Pleasantries get exchanged and they keep it moving. Then a little later, that guy comes back to the booth to shoot the shit. It’s all good. just casual conversation. At some point in that discussion, the guy decides, even though he literally has no idea what kinda music I even make (it could be bluegrass for all he knows) that he’s ready to bring me into any business plan he’s got going. He runs a website! needs music. He throws warehouse raves! needs a dj. He owns a taco truck! Needs a theme song. It doesn’t matter at all…he just knows that , whatever i do, he wants a piece of it. The beauty of this guy is that, after the show, he’s never around. That might actually mean he hated my shit but, you know what, I’m okay with that. Better that than whatever else he had planned for me.

My top ten songs of the year

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It’s been a great year for rap. Like, the best year in a LONG time. At least 5 classic albums have come out and countless others that ranged from great to really good. In honor of this year, i figured i’d throw my hat into the “year end list” ring and tell you all my top ten favorite songs of the year. Keep in mind, they are not in order. I don’t think I could make a list that official but, hey, this is better than nothing, right? Okay. i hope you agree with me about some of these cause it would be a bummer for you to be that wrong.
Also, I made a point to not have more than one song by any given artist. I could have had a few repeats in here but figured it would be best to spread the love…after all, the worlds supposed to end tomorrow, right?

Cold facts: KA

KA made the perfect winter album. Not since the mid 90’s has an east coast artist come with an album so perfectly suited for grey skies and northface jackets. This was the first song i heard from his awesome album “Grief Pedigree” and it left it’s mark for the entire year. Even during the summer when it didn’t even make sense. Anyone who’s ever been on a new york subway alone at night should be able to relate to this song.

All smiles: Mark Spekt and Kno

Every now and that someone makes a feel good song that’s not even particularly positive but it still gives you that feeling. this is that song for 2012. Between the beat and Spekt going to town on the rhymes, it’s pretty much just one of those songs that hits on all angles. Not that it will give it any credibility but I definitely rocked this heavy when i was running on the elliptical this year. It made that bullshit tolerable , which is a feat in itself.

Rent party revolution Taco neck remix): Open Mike eagle

Not gonna lie, I really wanted to put his song “5ree thinkers” here but there wasn’t a proper youtube link…Luckily for me, this song is also one of my favorites so I don’t even feel that bad replacing my initial choice. Regardless, Open Mike Eagle has one of the more productive years in recent memory (second only to
Homeboy Sandman) and his quality has not lagged. This is a great remix that totally overhauled the song, bringing new life to it. But, seriously, check out the “5ree thinkers” joint. Not only does Mike kill it but Hot Sugar may be the best new producer out there right now.

Bible on the dash: Gunplay

I made a poll about Gunplay a few months ago to get an idea where my readership stands on him. Much like i expected, a decent amount of you weren’t into him and wrote him off as a typical gangster rapper. Unfortunately for those people, they were very wrong. I know it’s opinion and all but this dude is simply too dope a rapper to be denied over some petty shit like his topical range. He possesses every facet that makes an MC dope…I feel bad for those of you who can’t see it. Anyway, this song is awesome. It’s actually one of his more “introspective” joint…if that type of Gunplay song even exists.

Original: Mystikal

This song got more run by me than anything else this year. I’m a huge mystikal fan and he delivers so hard on this. From the second I heard the first line come out of his mouth the first time i heard the song to yesterday when i bumped it in my Ipod it’s sustained it’s awesomeness. I could do without the Lil Wayne verse but , luckily for me, it’s at the end so it’s easy to skip.

Duck hunt : billy woods

In a year of incredible albums, billy Woods “History will absolve me” is probably one of my favorites. This song was like his call to arms. Woods got a lot to say and he says it unlike anyone else. This song reminds me of a new and improved version of what smart rappers were doing in the early 2000’s. Also, the beat is fucking nuts.

Gopher guts: Aesop Rock

It’s hard for me to really judge Aesop song cause I know him so well…but this song…goddamn. The first time I heard it it gave me chills. I don’t know if that’s BECAUSE I know him or simply because it’s just such a powerful song. Whatever it is, he hit on something that is highly uncommon in rap. Even more uncommon is that he did it without being even remotely corny or forced.. People talk about shit being “deep” but this is that for real.

Tek to a mack: Roc Marciano

It was hard to pick one song off this album. It’s an album full of great songs that are all pretty similar. Roc is a cocky asshole and I mean that in the best possible way. The beat reminds me of a Michael Mann movie and Roc’s vivid imagery just fits perfectly. That said, this could have been any number of songs from his new album “Reloaded”. And by that , I mean you should go buy that shit right now.

The miracle: Homeboy sandman

Sometimes, you just wanna hear a dude rip shit. This song is just Homeboy Sandman going for his relentlessly. It’s one long verse over an ever changing back drop that just seems to go on and on. People don’t make songs like this very much anymore and it’s too bad cause it’s like a calisthenics course for rappers. There are not many people rapping right now that could do it like Sandman does on this track.

Mighty morphin foreskin: Captain murphy

Hey! Captain Murphy is Flying Lotus! Okay?!?! I love this shit. It’s as close to Mavillian as anyone is going to get anytime soon (including MF Doom). Who knew Flying Lotus could rap? In fact, part of the reason it’s so good is cause you kinda get the feeling that he’s doing it just for fun. Remember when people made music cause it’s fun? Those were the days.

Honorable mentions:




The top ten shows that make Americans retarded

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I think when Obama won the presidency, us Americans were pretty high on ourselves. as if, for once, we had done the right thing. While i don’t disagree that also doesn’t exactly mean this country isn’t still full of complete fucking idiots. The same way Guiliani was still a douche the day after 9/11, Americans, as a whole, are still the same same dim wits now that we were when Bush got re-elected. Who’s to blame?

Well, you could say the fucked up education system… or maybe years of bad parenting skills handed down over generations embedding the same backwards train of thought into every new child. Yeah, they’re pretty high on the list. However, the secret (AKA not so secret) destroyer of all that is good? TV. Trust me, it pains me to say this…cause I fucking love TV. I watch it all the time. It will eventually be the reason I go blind or get eye cancer, and I’m willing to accept that cause I love it so much. However, I think it’s because I watch so much tv that i have this perspective.

It’s real easy for a non TV watcher to say “TV ruins minds” in the most general sense but that’s not true, SOME TV ruins minds. Now, more then ever, there are tons of shows that people actually learn from, all those history/discovery channel shows are actually good for you. Unfortunately, for every good show, there are about 35 completely awful shows that make you dumber with every viewing. And you know what? I watch those shows too. I think the difference is that I’m not a 16 year old who’s actually buying that shit. I’m a 33 year old who’s making fun of these shows (while secretly hating myself for watching them in the first place). So, as far as I’m concerned, here are the

Top Ten TV Shows that make America Retarded:



1.) My Super Sweet Sixteen –



This show is basically made to incite hate, that’s if you’re an adult and have no interest in having an over the top party where Omarion’s back up dancers perform for you and your shitty friends. If you’re a kid though, this show sets a dangerous precedent ; Not only in terms of what is considered a great party, but also how far kids think they can take things, how much they can get over on their parents. Back in the day, my way of getting something over on my parents would be stealing $10 from my moms wallet or not giving her change back if I went to the store for her. It was baby steps. these sweet sixteen shitbags are taking moon-walking-high jumps with the shit they pull off. Having a daughter must be some real shit cause it seems as if the majority of these dads are just spending the money simply to get their terrible children to shut-the-fuck-up for once. I don’t think hitting kids is usually the answer to anything, but in this case, I don’t think slapping them dead in the bridge of their nose with a boat ore would be the least bit out of line.



2.) Cribs -



First off, I call bullshit.
It’s not your crib. It just isn’t. There is simply no way the bassist of some band I’ve never heard of has a multi-million dollar house in the Hollywood Hills. If they do, they’re renting. But that’s not my gripe…this show teaches kids everything wrong about spending money and having a tiny shred of class. Master P’s bedroom has a GOLD CEILING. I’m not saying people need to save all their money but have some fucking sense.

That’s the thing, these famous assholes get so much money in a short period of time they just spend it cause it’s there. There is no reason anyone needs most of the shit they have. Also, while I’m one of the last people who should be commenting on interior design (I have water multi year old damage in a corner of my apartment that I highlight with the only lamp in the room), these motherfuckers are just tacky. This show just exemplifies how low brow people spend money they just got.

Man, if there was ever a time when that would be a dangerous message to send, it’s now…



3.) MTV’s Made –



It’s amazing we have a black president. I honestly didn’t have enough faith in this country to think I would ever see that day. The only problem is now everyone is spouting off about this “You can do anything you put your mind to!” bullshit. Well, it’s just not that easy…and this show proves it every week…much like Obama becoming president, it takes a truly special person to get certain things done. Beyond his race, you have a brilliant mind, mixed with a likable personality and a suaveness I’ve never seen in a politician. Black, White, Latino or Asian, there are very few people like him IN THE WORLD.

What MTV’s “Made” does is convince people that anything is attainable. However, the difference between Obama’s rise and the people on “MADE” is that Obama worked his ass off and had the tools to get the job done; It’s not like he was a bellboy at a motor lodge and one day decided he wants to be president.. people on “Made” try to reach these completely unrealistic goals on a whim. Like “Hey, I’m an obese pimply social retard, make me into a pussy machine.” Sometimes, the cards are just not in your favor. Be it Sarah Palin trying to be anything but a dumb cracker, or the pudgy effeminate guy who wants to be a body builder over night.



4.) Any Show Glorifying A Person Who Was Made Famous By Another Reality Show –

These kind of shows promote the worst kind of fame, fame created by seeking out notoriety with no discernible talent. The “Find Me a Mate” shows with celebrities are one thing, but when the mongoloids from those shows get their own shows, the shit has truly hit the fan. These kind of shows are like Youtube, in that they send a message to every talentless person out there. A message that says “You’re original! People may actually want to hear your voice!” The reality is no one wants to hear that voice. Better yet, no one NEEDS to hear that voice. They’re better off eating raw cookie dough on their couch and keeping their miserable lives to themselves.



5)The real housewives of anywhere
This is similar to “Cribs” in that it’s some new money shit where classless people show how classy they think they are. Tight orange skinned reptilian faced goons beefing with each other over things normal people wouldn’t even give a second thought to. it’s yet another way to show the younger generation that , if you have money, you’re entitled to be a piece of shit. I seriously can’t imagine a worse thing to teach kids. Like those little assholes aren’t entitled enough already.

6.) The Real World
 –

Not so much the show itself, cause it is a landmark in TV; It revolutionized TV as we know it and for that reason, it’s to blame. Much like the growth of music from Chuck Berry to Linkin Park, what started off great and has given us much joy, eventually turned into a 8 headed beast of stupidity that will consume us all.

“The Real World” was the birth place of “Notoriety Verses Celebrity”, i.e. people who are famous simply for being on TV. Once that got into the mix, we were done for. It lit the flame under the asses of the worst possible kind of people: An inspired go-getter with nothing to lose is a dangerous thing, especially if said person is a complete idiot.
 If anything, The Real World has taught the youth that a waxed chest is the way to go and that’s just an awful message to be sending to the kids.



7.) Sex In The City –

Aside from making New York city look like “Alice in Wonderland”, this show is the worst cause it promotes false empowerment. When it came out, every girl was like “Yeah! This is a show about how REAL women are!”. Well, I’m a New Yorker who knows tons of women and none of them are remotely like this. Sure, some try to be, but , in the end, they just really like expensive shoes. Not to mention, that simply isn’t how women talk, i’s how gay dudes talk.

How do I know this? Cause that show is written by gay dudes. Catty gay dudes. The fact that girls even try to play it off like that’s how they talk when there are no guys around is an insult. For the record, guys don’t talk like they do on Entourage either but the difference is that shit is written by some L.A. douchebags who probably like Sex In The City. But I digress, this show is pure poison for any young girl growing up cause it instills unrealistic ideals and makes them think that’s what adult life is actually like.
It also makes them less funny.

8.) That Game Show Where You Pick A Briefcase Out And Hope There Is Money In It –



Seriously…what the fuck is wrong with people?
Are we so starved for entertainment that we’re willing to watch a game show that LITERALLY involves no thought. Wheel of Fortune is pretty easy but a new born retarded baby could play Deal or No Deal. Watching this show is basically like watching another person play solitaire.



9.) Any Reality Show Involving A Socialite Whore –

Is there anything less interesting that a brain dead spoiled girl?
This continues the “Famous For Nothing” trend that plagues TV nowadays. In the case of these girls, they’re more famous for being hookers and partying than anything else. While that does sound entertaining and I would watch THAT show, the TV shows they make are everything but that. They’re just looks into the trite lives of people with nothing to offer anyone but a warm hole and drink tickets. This wouldn’t be a big deal if people didn’t see this and start emulating these brainless twats. When I see girls between the age of 14 and 21, it scares me…if this is what they’re like now, by the time I have a daughter (cause, as we all know, I’m having a daughter) she’ll be wearing lipstick by the time she’s five and giving handjobs before she turns eleven. Even worse then that, she’ll be a vapid cunt.

well played, Kim Kardassian.



10.) The Hills/Laguna Beach/The City
 –

The Hills is like “Sex In The City” for tweens…but it’s real (not real). It teaches the valuable lessons of holding grudges, judging your friends as if they were enemies and saying the word “cute” like “cue-a”. Great….

Now, you’ll notice i omitted “Jersey shore”. Well, that’s because I have some faith. I have faith that people will not emulate that show with any seriousness. Sure, half of america is gonna be “the situation” for halloween next year and those people are getting paid 10g’s to show up to parties but there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that they are over the top, minstrel retards. That’s why they’re awesome. I think (hope) that they can lead by example. Meaning, people will not want to be like them as much as they want to make fun of them. Call me crazy…I think it’s possible.