Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 8

Uberfacts is a twitter handle that spouts all sorts of bullshit all day. Sometimes it’s truths, other times it’s highly questionable opinions disguised at truths. It’s all over the place. In this column, I like to focus in on certain tweets and discuss them at length. Sometimes to agree, other times to disagree and sometimes just to open a larger discussion up. It’s all fun for the whole family (minus your kids or parents). Take a ride with me down Uberfacts alley.

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Damn, Uberfacts out here exposing the dirty truth. Turns out Beethoven was a scum bag just like, oh i dunno, EVERY OTHER MUSICIAN EVER. That and he was lazy…JUST LIKE EVER OTHER MUSICIAN EVER.
I’m not quite sure how Uberfacts found this little tidbit out. I assume they’re just a bunch of dudes sitting around a table , eating cold pizza and spitballing ideas. One guy says something like “What up with Beethoven though?” then another guy, looking up from clearing the chamber in his bong coughs out “I know, right? Like…I bet he was all about the pussy…”. The Table laughs until one guy goes “Nah, like, i heard he hated giving Piano lessons cause, like, he only wanted to teach hot chicks…or really talented people”…and an uberfact is born.
Here’s the thing, he’s probably right. Artist are certainly like this. The saying “those who can’t, teach” exists for a reason cause those who can generally are far too in their own heads to be able to tell another person how to do the thing they do. A thing that, most likely, comes so easy to them they can’t even explain why they do it so well in the first place. It’s kinda like how Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant will never make a good coach. It’s simply not their strong points.
So, you take a guy like Beethoven. I’m assuming he’s a musical genius. I’d be lying if I said I sit around bumping his stuff but, you know, he’s fucking Beethoven. I’d be shocked if he even taught lessons in the first places but I guess artists have been needing a supplemental income since forever. Nice to see that’s been one constant in music. Of course Beethoven doesn’t wanna sit there with some 4 year old trying to do scales while snot drips out of his nose all over the keys. It takes a person with saint-like patience to do that kinda work. No, for Beethoven, he’s gonna need two things. Someone who’s a natural just like him…meaning he doesn’t really have to teach much OR a fine piece of ass that he can possibly seduce. Sure, she may not be able to play a lick but Beethoven can get his flirt on, adjust his powered wig and possible pop off that 9 layer corset by the end of the “class”. In a way, there’s something comforting to know that musicians have been this way since the beginning. Everyone except the Gregorian monks. Pretty sure they did it for the love. Shout out to them.

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I’m not one to research anything I write about cause it often gets ruined by “facts” and, trust me, i know one of you smug motherfuckers CAN’T wait to correct me in the comment section so, obviously, I’m talking out my ass here…but is there any way this service isn’t based in Japan? It just sounds so japanese.
So, uberfacts, you’re telling me there is dating site where strangers send their dirty shirts in and exchange them with other dirty shirts , in order for people to find their match? Word. Totally. Sounds practical. Like, how do they send shirts? There’s no way they do one at a time? And they must have to be sealed in an air tight packaging in order to preserve the funk. All logic aside, I do kinda get this cause there is something to be said about pheromones. That shit is real. Some people just have a draw on other people and we don’t really get to choose it. I’ve had many situations in life where I saw a girl i was incredibly attracted to, we start hanging out and , for some reason, the attraction just kinda fizzles. That magnetic pull wasn’t there. Meanwhile, I’ve had the same thing with “less” attractive girls when it’s like they sweat molly water or something and you can’t get enough. God forbid you meet the person who’s both attractive AND has that subtle fragrant pull on you…that’s how wars start or why people end up killing each other. Shit’s mad real.
So, Perhaps, this dating service, as gross and illogical as it sounds, is on to something. The concept of finding the scent first is interesting. That said, the level of backfiring it must have is probably ungodly but still, in a world where we’ve exhausted all angles of online dating, props to these people for trying something way out the box.

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I don’t have anything to really complain or rant about where this was concerned but I more just wanna spotlight it. How awesome is this? More than that, how is this not a movie yet? Hollywood is always looking for ways to give old ass actors a role that’s relevant and I see no movie more popping than this one. Let’s get them all…Michael Caine, patrick stewart, Sir Ian MCkellen , Robert Redford (is he still alive?), Gene hackman etc…this shit will pop off. It will be like “Grumpy old men” but an action thriller. Just make sure it’s not done by some hack director and I would watch the fuck out of this movie. You’re welcome hollywood.

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When “Pour some sugar on me” came out, i was a child in summer camp. It was HUGE. Everyone loved it. We all sang it, along with the other summer hit of that year “paul revere” by the beastie boys. I was at that age where I didn’t like music for real yet. So, if something played often enough, I was on board. But this joint? It was everything. Looking back, 30 years later…it just dawned on me that I have literally never given one second of thought to what the lyrics mean. This is partially cause I’ve always been a rap guy and , honestly, i’ve always assumed most pop rock music lyrics meant absolutely nothing. I still believe that. In general, they’re either bad high school poetry or just some dude whining about a girl. Not everyone can be Bob Dylan, right?
But, to think, that Def Leppard’s own bandmate has no idea what this song is about…it’s just so awesome. Cause, really, it goes to show how little that kinda stuff matters in a hit song. While dudes are out here writing their hearts and souls out in musical formations , Def Leppard was like “Hey, let’s put words in an order that sounds cool but who give a fuck what it means?”.
i just googled the lyrics to this song and it’s literally like a game of madlibs.
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah
So c’mon, take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

I mean…it’s about fucking…obviously. If I think for a moment, i would assume “pour some sugar on me” would mean “give me your sweet love” in the most caveman kinda way. But perhaps it’s deeper or more exact. perhaps it’s about a particular sexual act. An act where one dumps something on another person. In this case, the woman on the man. yes, this song is probably about a woman pissing and/or shitting on the chest of lead singer of Def Leppard. How about that? Look that shit up, Uberfacts! It makes so much sense though. Sure, to you and me, bodily fluids like piss and shit are far from sweet but, perhaps, the the advanced festishist , it’s sweet like…oh, i dunno, SUGAR?!?!!?
Think I’m crazy…what about this verse right here:
Listen, red light, yellow light, green-a-light go
Crazy little woman in a one man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up (loosen up) loosen up

Whelp, mystery solved. I guess Uberfacts serve a purpose after all…

Oh really, Uberfacts? Vol. 6

Uberfacts is a twitter profile that vomits “truth” all day. Facts, in the loosest definition of the word. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s interesting and most of the time it’s total bullshit based on some study done by some guy. Whatever the case, I still find it interesting and , on occasion, will highlight some of their tweets and discuss them with you. Fun for the whole family!

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Teens, they’re just like us!
You know, having been in a relationship for 7 plus years then being single has been an eye opening experience. The way people meet and communicate has totally changed in that short period of time. Sure, back in the day, i’d go on myspace and leave a comment on someones page. Or I’d write a well crafted private message to get a girls attention. Those were simpler times. As the internet progresses, it seems as if the way we communicate within it simplifies to dangerously stupid levels. I recall, when i was still in my relationship, seeing single people floundering on social media. The amount of discussions that would involve someone “Liking a pic” or “They stopped following me” or “They used to like my pics and stopped…are they seeing someone?” were endless. Keep in mind, these were adults in their 30’s talking. Not the teens that Uberfacts “tested”. Now, i wasn’t blind to this stuff. Even the most married person on earth , who’s involved in social media is familiar with this line of thought. It’s not always based on the opposite sex. If betty from potluck tuesdays stops liking your “brisket of the week” pics, she will be put on notice.

Do you know how many relationships have ended over shit like this? People liking other peoples pics. People not liking this persons pics. “Who are you following?” “Why did that guy write that on your profile?”. It’s fucking insane. For every relationship started or groomed on Instagram and facebook, it kills about 15 others.

I just find it fascinating that these tiny things have become the markers for how another person feels. Cause, really, is there anything easier and less committal than “liking” a pic? It’s literally the least you can do outside of nothing. Still, if i were to go on some girls instagram and like 5 of her pics in a row randomly that is me basically sending a bat signal of “I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU”. It’s similar to wishing someone “happy birthday” on facebook. I’m sure I’m not alone in being mildly selective with who I send those wishes to. I’m not saying I withhold birthday wishes (sometimes I forget or I’m simply not paying attention) but there is a method to it and it’s totally premeditated. What I’m saying is that these pointless and completely simple acts do actually mean something and that’s kinda sad. But, still, like and retweet this post so I know it’s real or I…I…I just don’t know what I’ll do.

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“Shoulda had a snickers, your honor…then that man wouldn’t have had to die”

Did I ever tell you about the time I got yelled at in Jury duty? Probably, but this seems like a good time to re-up that.
So, about 10 years ago I had jury duty for the first time. I had avoided it for so long, I foolishly thought I had beat the system…turns out registering to vote has it’s downsides. Anyway, I go in the first day and sit in a room waiting for my name to be called. It’s never called. So, I go back the next day. Now, if my number wasn’t called that day, I was done with jury duty and my life was better for it. With an hour left in my time, my name finally got called and I was pretty annoyed by that.
I walk into the courtroom with a bunch of other miserable people and we all sit down in rows. A lawyer explains the case to us. It’s an arson case. While the lawyer is talking, I’m barely listening cause I’m trying to figure out a way to get out of being on this jury. Truth be told, i’d make an excellent juror. I have the perfect, even handed mind for it. However, ain’t nobody got time for that shit. I had things to do, like, I dunno…sit on my couch and not be on a jury.
So, I start listening to what the judge and lawyers are saying. Trying to find anything they say that I can turn onto myself to make my a less desirable juror. I could have gone with the classic “i’m a racist!” move but , i dunno…it just felt wrong and, also, I was in a room with a wide varieties of ethnicities and I’m not trying to actually have real people think I’m a racist. Luckily, the judge mentions that the defendant would not be taking the stand for this trial. Then asked if anyone had a problem with that. My hand shot up. The judge looked at me and said “Sir, what is you problem with that?”. I honestly hadn’t thought about that so, being the quick witted genius that I am I responded “Well, I dunno…it just seems kinda shady.” I could feel peoples posture change in the room as I had clearly made myself look like the dumbest motherfucker on earth. The judge paused, looked at me and said “So, you think the united states judicial system is shady?” to which I responded “well, no…but, you know…what is she hiding?”. The defendant herself was looking at me like “Are you fucking serious?”. Then the judge went into a 5 minute lecture of how the justice system works and why people do or do not take the stand, all while making sure I know that I’m a fucking idiot. My asshole was thoroughly ripped but I sat there and took it. It felt terrible but, you know what? it worked. I was home the next day with my ass on my couch and not on a jury.
I like to think, perhaps, if the judge had eaten before that interaction, I might not have been so lucky so shout out to that hungry judge!

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Wait…what? No fucking way, Uberfacts. Listen, I’m buying some of the shit you’re selling but a pill that makes people “Slightly” less racist. So many holes.
First off, what’s the test? Do they walk some white person into a room with a bunch of black dudes and test their pulse? And what’s the sliding scale of racism? “Before the pill, this guy would have murdered his daughter for bringing home a latino man but, now? He will be polite about and simply silently seethe over it in the privacy of his own bathroom”. Upgrade!
“Man, i used to hate asians but then I had a heart attack and my doctor put me on Propranolol. Now , i just kinda think they are only slightly less than me!”
Or what if the user is already not that racist (Newsflash: We’re all a LITTLE racist). Would that person all of sudden start disliking their own race? Can it go to far?
Now, I’m no scientist but it sounds to me like , if anything, this drug MAY cause people to feel slight tinges of empathy. And empathy goes all over the place. Not just based on race. That said, if you have a racist uncle , who happens to have heart issues , looks like you might have a go to drug to give him. Or maybe just withhold it from him cause he sounds like a dickhead and , only then, he may stop posting crazy shit on your facebook wall.