Weed outrage FTW!

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I do a column sometimes called “Defending my tweets”, where I post something I tweeted and basically explain myself a little deeper than 140 characters ever could do. I recently tweeted something that probably got the most blow back ever (which is saying a lot). Interestingly enough, the fury didn’t come on twitter. It came from the good people over on facebook. This isn’t shocking cause Facebook is the second only to Youtube comments in bringing out the worst in people. This focal point of all this rage? Rape? nope. Racism? Nope. Politics? nope.
It was weed. specifically, the celebration of 420. A holiday that somehow exists cause who gives a fuck?

420 was last week and as people tend to do on social media , they chose a path. The choices go: Celebrate it, make a joke about it, or ignore. Being the guy I am, I took the middle option.
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Now, I took this option for a few reasons.
1)IT’S A JOKE. A timely joke. It was 420. That was in the air so, you know, seemed like a good time for it.

2)I KNEW it would enrage some people and that’s exactly why I did it. For all the ideas of weed being a drug that mellows you out, for some reason, weed people are some of the most sensitive and thin skinned people on the planet. I mean, how many times have I met some hippie with rage issues? Too many times. It’s fascinating cause, you know, maybe they need to puff some weed to chill out but when you make a joke about weed they lose all chill. Vicious cycle, i suppose. But, full disclosure, this tweet was 100% baiting people and it worked like a charm.

3)I think people who get obsessed over 420 are kinda ridiculous. I mean, I get the excitement for celebrating something you love but, hey, chances are, if you are the type to celebrate 420, you smoke every day anyway. So, basically, you celebrate every day. It’s kinda like if a teenager boy were to celebrate “national masturbation day” by jerking off 7 times instead of 4 times. Hey man! it’s a real holiday!
In general, the whole “weed culture” movement is just kinda corny to me. Right now, if you are the reactionary weed smoking type, things are popping in your head (the medical advantages, the fight for it to be legal, “If they celebrated a “Vodka day” I bet you wouldn’t make fun of that!”, etc…) . I will get to these points but, off the bat know, when i say “weed culture” I’m not talking about people’s right to smoke it or the good it does. I’m all for legalizing weed. Not because I think of the greater good it could do but cause I don’t give a fuck. It’s not that big an issue to me. By all means, make it legal everywhere. But, when i talk about “weed culture” and the people who obsess over it, I’m talking about people who sit around with high times magazines, looking at pictures of furry nugz, talking about weed all day and who’s life is basically revolves around weed and weed based subjects. I don’t think it’s wrong or bad…i simply think it’s corny. Big difference. I feel the same way about people who are obsessed with wine or cigars or porn or even food. These are , in most cases, perfectly fun and enjoyable recreational things that I fully get the appeal of. But to live your life obsessing over them? Do you…but , personally, it’s silly to me. But, Who am i to say what is silly to another person? I’m no one. I’m not here to tell anyone what they should or should not do…but, guess what? i can make a joke about it and you’re just gonna have to deal with it. Why? CAUSE IT’S NEVER THAT SERIOUS.

For many of you that didn’t read that tweet or see the comment section, lemme break down what happened.
For the most part, people seemed to enjoy it. It got tons or shares, retweets and likes. Meaning, people got it. It’s a simple premise: 420 is dumb. That’s it. It’s not deep. it’s not even a good joke. Still, People are capable of getting the joke. Many of these people, I assume, smoke weed on the regular. Meaning not all people who smoke weed are fucking idiots. In fact, i can say with great certainty, that most people who smoke weed are cool and awesome people. But, this is the internet…where cool and awesome is drowned out by a handful of humorless dipshits with a desire to be outraged. So, what did these people have to say?
Well, first and foremost we had the people who were so enraged by my tweet (read it again and imagine actually getting mad at that) that they felt the need to inform me that they would be unfollowing me on social media. Yup. This is great on a few levels. For one, if a person is such a loser that they see a joke about 420 and feel like they need to unfollow me…it’s sorta like a self cleaning oven. I don’t need that person up in my world. Fan or not. That person sucks. Also, to announce to an artist on facebook “I’m unfollowing you!” is one of the lamest “look at me!” things you can do. It’s like getting in a huff at a party then yelling “I’m outta here!” to a bunch of people who didn’t know who you were in the first place. Real g’z move in silence. So, shout out to all the people who read my 420 tweet, said nothing to me and unfollowed me. You did it the right way. Granted, they’re probably not seeing this post but still, kudos to you for, while still being thin skinned and ridiculous, having the self respect to not feel the need to tell me. As if i’m gonna be like “Nooooooo!!!! come back! please! i promise! No more weed jokes!”.
Secondly, the rage. The rage of weed people. They take their weed very seriously. It’s the same as nerd rage or music purist rage. It’s the result of someone being so wrapped up in something they can’t see outside of it. With no perspective , people can gt easily lost in their obsessions. Like how can you love anything THAT much? It’s not your mom. It’s not your best friend. It’s a plant you smoke that gets you high. I had some responses that were simply “FUCK YOU!!”. While other went into more detailed reasonings of why I’m an asshole for writing that. Some of these reasons included:

1)Medical weed and the good it does.

Yes. Medicinal Marijuana is a great thing. A few people mentioned how it helped them get through their cancer treatment. In no way was I shitting on the medical benefits of pot. I’ve seen it work up close. At stated earlier, it was a joke…a short joke…about 420. To read that an extract “He’s belittling the benefits of medical marijuana!”, well, it’s reaching to say the least.
The funniest part of this one was that people tried to bring it back to 420 as if the majority of people celebrating 420 are doing it in the name of science. I’m sure a small handful of people do but..not you, dude. Not the guy sitting on his couch, ripping bong hits, perfectly healthy, arguing about weed on the internet. Nope, you smoke weed cause it gets you high and that feels good. Nothing wrong with that…but don’t try and sell me some deeper meaning that isn’t there.
But if you are one of those people who somehow think getting high at 4:20 every day is a political statement or you’re tipping your hat towards the medicinal wonders of pot, I’ll let you know when penicillin day is so we can throw a big old party together!

2)Legalizing weed.
Somehow me making fun of people who celebrate 420 made people assume I’m not some anti weed crusader. Even though, in my very tweet, I called it “just a plant”. Now, if I think it’s “just a plant” , do you think that means I want it to be illegal? Have you heard my “anti-fern” rant before? Perhaps, my point is WHO GIVES THIS MUCH OF A FUCK ABOUT A PLANT. Of course it should be legal. Why the fuck not? Booze is far more harmful and it’s been legal since forever. Not only that, the money this country could make off legal weed could fix a lot of problems as well.
So, yeah…if that was your angle of rage…you were off as a motherfucker. I don’t care what you do. Smoke weed. Snort coke. Shoot heroin. Inject cat piss into your eyeballs , for all i care. It’s your body. I’m in no place of power to regulate anything or anyone but myself.

3)”I bet if there was a “national booze day” you wouldn’t say anything!”
umm…yeah i would. I make fun of all things. Especially holidays and things that go with them.. This includes Christmas, St Patricks day, your birthday, my birthday, Santa-con (which is the closest thing to 420 I can imagine and THINK ABOUT HOW LAME THAT IS). I understand the nature of making fun of things is judgmental. But, you know what? We’re all judgmental. It’s our nature. And taking the piss out of something as pointless as 420 shouldn’t hurt your feelings. You’re an adult. You should have bigger fish to fry. It’s not like I made a “national breast cancer awareness” joke or shit on the civil rights movement. This is about weed culture. 100%. But you know what? Even if i did make jokes about anything…the fact remains…It’s a joke. Sure, there is some truth in jokes but the bottom line is they’re never that serious. Intention is everything.

So, yeah…Grow up. quit taking everything so seriously. Especially if that “everything” is your enjoyment of smoking weed. Learn that just cause you love something doesn’t mean another person can’t poke fun at it. Also learn that just cause someone pokes fun at something, it doesn’t mean they’re against it. Smoke your weed. Love your weed. I hope it makes your life infinitely better. I truly do. But, the next time you’re on facebook and feel the need to get angered over a joke, perhaps, sit back…light up a joint. Smoke that joint. Relax. And if you still feel some sorta way about it, let it rip. But don’t forget that you’re the guy/girl who flipped out over a weed joke on a niche music artists facebook page. congratulations on being “That guy”! Feels, good man!

drugs

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I was watching this comedian the other day, he was about 35+, and he was talking about how great drugs have been to him. It got me thinking about drugs in general. I’ve never been a big drug guy. Partially cause I don’t have an addictive personality but also because most drugs just don’t make me feel particularly good. As I’ve gotten older, I can honestly say drugs are pretty corny. Not in the “It’ll ruin your life” kinda way (although I have seen that happen) but in the “No 30 year old looks cool snorting coke” kinda way.
 
Here are some little notes on drugs:



Weed-
There was a time when I smoked weed on the regular. I was never the “smoke alone” type but I would buy it occasionally, get stoned, and freestyle. Yes, it was so long ago that I actually rapped.
While some people can smoke weed and do math equations, I become a stuttering retard with a heart condition. It’s simply not for me. It’s like the opposite of xanax. It’s an anxiety giving drug for me but, as i said, everyone is wired differently and one man’s paranoia is another man’s bliss. So, I’m not dissing weed itself when I say I have an issue with people who take it on as a lifestyle.
By this I don’t mean people who smoke it all the time and go on with life normally, I mean people who are obsessed with weed and weed culture. People who travel places to try different weed and say shit like “Vancouver? It’s awesome..you smoke the weed?”. People who subscribe to High Times. People who pimp their myspace pages with various pictures of bongs and weed leaves. People whose one interest is “smoking a joint”. These people are fucking corny. Weed makes 90% of the people who smoke it boring and stupid. Sure, it’s great for watching tv or listening to music…or even jerking off. However, defining your existence by weed is pretty much like wearing a sign on your face that says “Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to me”. Weed people are annoying. They’re hippies. They’re thugs. They’re hippie thugs. They’re people, who conversing with, can be mind numbing. Fuck them.
 
**Age Appropriateness-
No one should ever start doing drugs after the age of…I don’t know…23. If you’re 27 and have never done coke, guess what? don’t even bother. You made it that far without it and you’ve officially passed the age where it’s cool to experiment.
 
Coke-
I’ve never done coke in my life, something about snorting things doesn’t appeal to me. But the real reason is because I’m a sensitive vagina. I had to take Ritalin in high school for a bit and the speed in Ritalin fucked me up enough for me to know I should never go near anything speed related. Coke was an easy one to pass on. Especially considering people who are on it tend to suck horribly while they’re on it.

Conversing with a Cokey person-

…Is the worst. You ever talk to someone who has no interest in talking to you? That’s a cokey person. They just kinda perch in a conversation just waiting for their time to swoop down and not shut the fuck up for 20 minutes. They don’t listen to anything. They don’t follow a conversation. They just wait their turn and talk endlessly. Not only that, but they’re brash and think everything they’re saying is super important. Even when I’m shit faced and talking to a cokey person, I still think to myself “Man, I’m drunk..but this motherfucker is annoying and tedious”.



Boning Cokey Girls-
Seeing that I don’t do coke, I actually haven’t hooked up with many cokey bitches. But, on the occasion that I have, it’s been fucking retarded. First off, anytime you’re trying to get with a coked up girl, you gotta realize, the coke comes first. Once, I literally had a girl stop, mid-sex, to go do a line in the bathroom. Coke screws up priorities if you’re fucking or about to fuck. The drug you’re doing should take a back seat. That’s like stopping sex to do a round of shots…
Note: I do know people who thrive on cokey girls though. It’s really fucked up how low a girl will go when coke is involved. Reason 32944893 why I don’t want a daughter.
 

Ecstasy-
I loved esctasy…the first time i did it. Everytime after that (about 5 times or so) it just got less interesting. I never did it with a special someone and honestly, I never would want to; “Having sex on ecstasy will ruin sex forever!” I imagine ecstasy sex to be reaaaaaally corny; Candles. Incense. Coldplay (or some downbeat techno bullshit). Really slow softcore movie sex. I’m sure it feels great…but fuck that gay shit. To me, ectasy was always a camaraderie drug. A drug you take and completely (and embarrassingly) bro out on, it never made me remotely horny. It’s kinda like a corny truth serum that’ll make you tell a good friend what a great guy he is. I think I stopped ever wanting to do it when I was sober and around a bunch of people on X. they looked grimy. Big vacant eyes…saying dumb shit…huddled in a little group. There was a tangible filthiness to them that just sucked all the appeal out of it for me.
 

 Shrooms-
Possibly the only drug I still wanna do on occasion. Of course, it would have too be a very controlled area with hand picked friends..but still, I’d do it. The thing about shrooms is that you have to be in a good place, mentally that is, to do them. You got issues? Stick to drinking. One time I was shrooming with a bunch of friends and my boy Phil (AKA phat + ill = phil, a name we discovered, not surprisingly, while shrooming) and he started bugging. I guess he had some issues at the time cause he kept needing to call his mom. Anyway, we were roaming around the Battery Park City area and Phil decided to stop in front of one police plaza and vomit violently under a huge street lamp. We were carrying a shitload of drugs and, big shocker, watching someone barf on shrooms, isn’t exactly dope. It was neither phat nor ill. With that said, I once saw a rhumba line of rollerbladers wipeout right in front of my while shrooming and i laughed for about three hours…and that’s always nice.



Heroin-
I bet that shit feels amazing, but so does taking a huge dump – it doesn’t rot away your body and make you a zombie. So, my advice to smack heads would be just eat tons of fibrous foods and hold in your shit till you can’t walk. Then go release the hounds. It’s like five orgasms wrapped in a backrub…and no needles involved.
 



Crack-
Seriously…who does crack more then once (maaaaybe twice)? It’s the poster-child for drugs low life’s do. At what point does someone just submit to the fact they’re a crackhead? It’s fucking crack!



Meth-
You gays and rednecks finally have something in common. How come the redneck Meth heads always look like a tornado hit their mouths but they gay meth heads just look like old ravers? They must work out.

Prescription drugs-
At this moment, it’s safe to say that this is everyones shit. not only cause they feel good but because, while they’re wildly addictive and fuck up you body just like other drugs, they’re legal. while i’ll dabble in sleeping pills the speed and opiate based prescription pills scare me. too many famous motherfuckers are dropping dead from them. in terms of famous people deaths, prescription pills are the new “choked on vomit”. i’ll just stick with advil and feeling like shit every now and then. at least my liver will appreciate it.

i’m admittedly a prude when it comes to drugs. i recall having a talk with my mom years after i graduated high school and i could swear she was telling me she wishes i had done more drugs when i was younger. perhaps it was some “gain some life experience” type point she was trying to make. it’s hard to say. i had just huffed a shitload of paint.