A brief history of random moments in my rap life

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i was just thinking about some of the funny/stupid/weird things that i’ve experienced over the years concerning my involvement with rap. while i’d be lying if i said these were particularly impressive, they are at least sort of interesting…so, here goes:

1)the time i was thrown down with blackwatch;

for those who don’t know, blackwatch is the crew that professor X of x-clan is a charter member. anyway, through some weirdness, professor x ended up at my crib a bout 8 years back. we had a friend in common. so, we’re chilling and I’m kinda like “woah, this is professor x, that’s nuts” but we’re just kicking it. drinking before we went out somewhere. the thing about chilling with older school rappers is that they love to talk. nothing bad about that but the focus is always on them. with that said, professor x was a nice guy. so X-clan obviously comes up and i tell him that they were my shit yet i always felt weird for liking them being a white guy and them being possibly the most pro black group of all time. he laughed and understood and asked me what my favorite x-clan song was. i said “verbs of power” which is an album track off the first x-clan album.

he freaked out like “get the fuck outta here!! that’s my favorite too! you know what, you’re down with blackwatch now…” i was like “huh?”
he’s like “you are officially down with the blackwatch movement”
so i was…however i never did get my membership card. oh well…

2)the time q-tip herbed me…;

this was around ’91 when tribe called quest was dope but not totally loved by every white girl yet. so, I’m chilling by west 4th street with my friend and q-tip walks by. I’m not the type to really step to famous people on the street but my friend was. so he does and q-tip was real friendly with him and gave him a nice pound. i went over to get a pound too but he just kinda gave me the bullshit wet noodle handshake like i was a a dipshit. oh yeah, i was a dipshit…but still, fuck that guy…

3)the time i got threatened by a dude in the vocal booth…;

so, i was 16 years old and i knew this guy who rhymed. he was in his early 20’s and more on the thugged out side of things. at the time i was writing rhymes but not really kicking them to anyone. what i did do was bring samples to this guy and he’d make beats out of them. so one day he invites me to come to the studio with him and his boys and watch them record. i was amped beyond belief but i was also a 16 year old white kid who had no fucking clue about anything. so the day comes and i’ve come down with the flu. but i was like “fuck it, this is too important…” i even bought a forty so i could get comfortable. well, needless to say i was too sick to even sip that shit but whatever. we go there and it’s me with a bunch of thugged out adults. guns chilling..you know..not exactly the shit I’m used too. and this guy from this group called “da bushwackass” (who are actually mad dope and made one album i recommend to everyone who like some hard early 90’s nyc shit).
i knew who he was cause i was a hip hop nerd “at the time”. he was noticeably less warm with me then the other guys. in fact, i’d say it was safe to say he wasn’t feeling me. anyway, they record the song. i’d basically been sitting on the couch the whole time in silence watching these guys fuck up their verses for like 3 hours. they settle on some bullshit takes and decide to just kick freestyles in the booth. my friend was trying to get me to do it but i would sooner jam that forty up my ass at that point. so the guy from the bushwackass gets in the booth and starts rhyming. he’s good. but I’m listening and I’m like “wait…is he talking about me?” he kinda is…he’s referring to young white kids and finally says something like “enough of the flim flam i don’t give a damn about the white man!”…yeah, i was real comfortable after that….then he pistol whipped me…just kidding. but i thought he was gonna fuck me up.

4)again with the x-clan;

more recently i was backstage at one of aesop’s shows at the bowery ballroom. anyone who’s been there (backstage) knows there’s a staircase that passes the stage on the way to the back room upstairs. so, I’m bent. very drunk. I’m coming down the stairs and i meet chuck d. that shit was ill. he was a super nice guy and real friendly so i was like “oh, cool…” about one flight below him is this huuuuuge guy. he’s just standing there. taking up the whole stairway. i know he’s not a security guy but he looks like a bouncer. anyway, i think nothing of it and make my way towards him with hopes of passing him. i get to him and say “excuse me” he doesn’t move. instead he just kinda stares at me like i just told him to go fuck himself. so again , very nicely, i say “excuse me.” no response, he continues with the staring. so I’m like “i need to get by, is that ok?” he says “no.” i say “why?” he says “you didn’t say it right” umm…at this point i either think he’s joking around and fucking with me or he just wants to beat me to death. “are you serious?” i ask…and then from behind him brother J (the rapper of X-clan) leans over his shoulder and says “say please.” in my head I’m like “oh snap, thats brother j!” but i just say “ok, please?” he grudgingly moves and like total fan boy i give brother j a pound and tell him I’m a huge fan. he’s actually a nice guy. his friend , however, was a fat dickhole. but at least he didn’t pummel me. that was nice of him.

5)the time i boned missy;

so i was at this rave in tulsa oklahoma and who’s there but missy! looking goooooooooood. so, i figure, shit this is my chance to bone missy. i walk up to her and tell her i think her plastic hair looks great. she’s eating a chicken parm sub but from what i can understand , she’s very receptive to my compliment. in my head I’m thinking “this is moving too slow…” so i grab the sub out of her hand and just start kissing her in the booth she’s sitting in. my face is getting smeared with was tomato sauce as i rub my hand over her baggy leather pants. it’s no surprise that it’s getting hot in there. i ask her if she wants to go into the bathroom with me and “talk”, she belches out a “yes” and grabs her hello kitty purse. so, we make our way into the bathroom unable to keep our hands off each other…i mean, shit, can you blame me? it’s missy! the woman who asked the question “who’s got the keys to my jeep?” well, i got the keys to her jeep sized ass…so we go into a stall. admittedly, not the cleanest thing i’ve ever seen. not much flushing popping off in that stall but we would not be denied each others lust. i attempt to peel off her skin tight baggy leather pouch but it’s gets stuck on one of her back fat rolls…well…you know what, I’m a gentleman…i don’t kiss and tell. i will say this. she drank jizz.

ok, one of these is a lie..but i won’t say which one…you’ll never guess….