Decoding man-speak for broads

So, I still use a Yahoo email account. Sure, I’ve got others but it has been my main one since the early 2000’s and I’ve been strangely loyal to it for some reason (or I’m just too lazy to switch over fully cause I don’t save contacts). Anyway, Because of this, I’m privy to the front page. Anytime I turn on the internet on my laptop, it’s my start up page. This opens the door to all sorts of incredibly lame articles ranging from videos of backyard basketball to opinion pieces written by dry wall experts on why Obama-care won’t work. The other day I came across a real good one. It was right out of the pages of Cosmopolitan.
“What she REALLY means…”
The whole article was written for men (even though no man in their right mind would actually read this kind of bullshit) and tells us how to decipher woman speak. Like if she says “No, it’s cool, you can go out with your friends tonight” it really means “Don’t leave me. I’m feeling vulnerable and need you around tonight”. You know, crap like that. Granted, all this type of stuff is completely situational and there is rarely a clear meaning behind any of the crazy shit women say. This got me thinking about decoding the male mind for women. Lord knows you bitches need it. The amount of times I’ve been talking to a female friend and she’s telling me about something a guy said or did that she didn’t understand, is staggering. The funny part is, men are far more simple beings than women. Sure, we say things to soften the blows or things that are attempts to re-direct women, but it’s never an emotion based thing. So, here is my version of that shitty article for girls. Maybe I can be of some assistance to you. Granted, I realize this idea isn’t exactly breaking new ground but this kinda shit is always fun (I can see why yahoo did it , in the first place).

When he says:
“Text me”

What he means
Listen, I’d love to have sex with you but on my terms with no strings attached whatsoever. I’d give you my number and say “call me” but that means you might actually call me and want to talk and attempt to build a relationship. That is something I have no interest in. But, if you’re a woman of similar needs as me, by all means, drop me a text next time you’re drunk on a weekend and hopefully, we’ll be able to meet up for some discrete fucking.

When he says
“It’s not you, it’s me”

What he means:
It is you. You’re the worst. But there is no nice way to put this cause you being worst is deeply engrained in you. It’s like telling someone who’s neurotic to stop being neurotic. It’s just how they are. So, instead of saying “Listen, I think you’re shallow, selfish, un-funny and lame in bed” we say this.
It can also mean
“I’m bored of this whole thing”

When he says
“I love you but…”

What he means:
I do not and have never actually been in love with you. Not even close. You may have strong armed him into saying that horrible phrase (which I think is a weak move on the part of men) but don’t get it twisted. There is no love right there.

When he says
“We should have an open relationship/threesome”

What he means is:
Duh. I wanna fuck other people. I’d like to keep you around but not so much that I’m willing to give up the prospect of other pussy.
Open relationships are an idea that I think every guy loves, on paper. I mean, in our minds it would be an amazing freedom. In reality though, I think we forget that girls can get laid waaaaaaaay easier than we can. They just have to show up. The thought of your girl getting pounded away on by some other dude is disgusting. I think we forget that. But, yeah, if a guy offers up this idea, just accept that your relationship will be completely over in the very near future.
Threesomes are the slicker move cause he’s trying to include you. What a good dude! However, if you were to say “Okay, get one of your friends and you two can do it to me” his tune would change. And, if it didn’t, you’re dating the wrong guy anyway. Any guy willing to double team his serious girlfriend with one of his boys is a piece of shit.

When he does this:
All his partying/socializing does not include you

What it means:
For one, you’re a bummer to have around in social situations. Some girlfriends are fun to take out with you, others suck. Nothing pisses a guy off more then when his girlfriend comes out, mopes all night cause she’s not getting enough attention and then makes him go home early so they can argue. So, on one hand there is that.
On the other, your social prowess has no bearing on his partying. He simply just doesn’t want you there. Why? Well, this could be for a few reasons.
1)He wants to flirt innocently with other girls and not have to worry about being hawked all night
2)He wants to hook up with other girls and having his girlfriend around would be a serious cock-block
3) He legitimately wants to just chill with his friends without having to feel responsible for you. This kinda thing does happen but it shouldn’t be an “all the time” type thing. It’s on some “guys night out” shit.

When he says
“I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now”

What he means:
This one is actually tricky.
Speaking from experience, there was definitely a large period of time where I said this to girls and meant it Sure, these were girls I wouldn’t have wanted a serious relationship with for whatever reason regardless, but the fact remained that I wasn’t in that zone at that time. I’d say that this phrase is earnest about 30% of the time.
The other 70% of the time it simply means “There is no way I’d date you seriously. I like fucking you but that’s about it.”
If the dude that said it to you just got out of a relationship, believe him. IF he’s been single for years and seems like he fucks 3 different girls a week, that’s a different story.
It can also mean: I’m still not over this other girl that you don’t know.

When he says
“So who was your friend that came out the other night?”

What he means:

That girl was hot and I want to have sex with her. I probably won’t act on it but bring her around some more and watch my drunk ass flirt with her. I won’t try to fuck her but best believe I’ll be jerking off to her furiously.
The funny thing to me about this is that girls tend to get jealous over the wrong girls. I’ve seen girls get mad at their boyfriends for talking to a friend of theirs too much who I know the guy has no designs for. In many cases, it’s a girl that’s not around often , so you wouldn’t even think about. It definitely not gonna be your best friend cause, no matter how hot she is, the dude gets to know her. Depending on the girl, this could go either way but I’d say most of the time the extra time spent getting to know a girlfriends really close friends cuts down the attractiveness of them considerably. That’s why some many dudes keep friendships with their ex’s friends. It’s one of those rare occasions where men and women can be friends with no sexual tension.

When he says
“Whatever you think is fine”

What he means:
Shut the fuck up. Please, just shut the fuck up. I don’t care about whatever this topic is nearly enough to waste breath arguing about it. I’d much rather just let you have your way. You don’t like eating chinese food? Fine, we’ll go to that micro-biotic bug cuisine place you love so much. Whatever makes this conversation stop.

Okay, so here’s where I’d like all the girl readers to assist me in assisting you.
If you have any issues with things guys have said to you and want to know what they actually meant, ask away. I will give you the honest answer (the best I can).
Ask them in the comments or email them to me at
Depending on the response, I’ll either just answer them in this comments section or do a separate post about. The doctor is in, ho’s.